Mark is sick of mutants attacking Facebook HQ. Seriously, he couldn’t care less about the mutant situation. He doesn’t get the huge fuss over it. So some people have powers. He’s good at computers. He’s kind of smarter than everyone so it all evens out. He’s not threatened by it or anything. He just wants to code in peace.
Until of course one day, someone with a dorky looking helmet storms into the building with a demon-looking person, a diamond lady, a blue lady and a…prostitute?
Mark wouldn’t really pay attention except the guy floated his headphones and unplugged them. Dorky helmet guy demands the Facebook account details of “an old friend he’d lost contact with”.
Bullshit. He knows the “old friend” excuse. Usually it’s an ex. Or maybe an ex business partner you screwed over. Either way they don’t want to be friends with you on the internet anymore. Their loss. Mark doesn’t get why people can’t just get drunk and make someone stupid. It’s not his problem. Mark turns back to his computer.
“Hey! This is Magneto and I’m talking to you.”
Mark sighs inwardly, saving his work before swivels around slowly in his chair, making sure that his hands are not making any sudden movements.
“I can’t,” Mark snaps. “It’s a privacy thing.”
Dustin snorts in the background and says something under his breath like “since when did you care.” Angel comes up behind him and has his throat in a chokehold.
“If you don’t I’ll have Angel here kill your friend. Get me his account. Or else.”
“Markkkk,” Dustin says in a whine. “I don’t want to die even though it would be in the arms of a hot chick.”
“Um, nice?” Dustin says. Her breath is kind of rank but her teeth kind of remind him of Shark Week with Chris.
“You don’t need to threaten him,” Emma says easily. “He’ll do it for us.”
“How do you know, I will?” Mark says too haughtily for someone who is at a tactical disadvantage.
She leans in and grabs Mark by the wrist. “I know about Wardo,” she whispers into his ear.
“What about him?” Mark says with a frown, instantly on the alert.
“Between you and me, you know what it’s like to lose a friend don’t you? So we just want a little bit of help. That’s all.”
It’s not a magic word but something pulls in his chest and- “Fine. You know getting the account details won’t do you any good right? It’s not like he’s going to friend you, Magnetica,” Mark says.
“Whatever,” Mark says.
“Make him friend me.”
“I can’t do that.”
“Why not?” Magneto says, levitating Mark’s laptop in the air and crushing a few cans of Red Bull just because he can. A full can bursts all over an intern’s desk. “Oops.”
Mark sighs. Why does everyone want to smash his laptop? “If you break that, then I can’t help you.”
The laptop is levitated gently back on the desk.
“So what’s this guy’s name again?”
“Professor Charles Xavier but he uses Professor X on dating sites and he uses Charlie X on gay dating sites and he likes to call himself Charles Sexavier when it’s just us and-”
“I think I’m good,” Mark mutters and starts getting to it.
It’s ridiculously easy. Mark wonders if he should stall to make sure that his employees are going to be safe. He does care.
“He’s almost done,” Emma announces.
Mark sends angry thoughts at Emma and she raises an eyebrow.
“There. It’s this one “Charles Xavier” and what do you know he’s smart enough not to put his personal information everywhere and then blame me when people want to talk to him. You’ll have to friend him to see if you can get an email address and/or a number. And yes before you ask, I can make him friend you but it would defeat the purpose of the whole idea since it’s not being his friend you want but him wanting to be your friend. Because what you really want is to say to him that okay you were an asshole but you’re sorry now because you know you fucked up and you wish you could have done things better. You know you don’t regret what you’ve done or the choices you’ve made but you still want to make things right.” Mark takes a deep breath. “Trust me, I know.”
“He’s telling the truth,” Emma says unnecessarily.
Mark rolls his eyes. “No shit.”
“How can I make him want to be my friend again?” Magneto asks.
“If I knew how to do that…” Mark trails off with a shrug. “Is that it?”
“He was my only friend,” Magneto says, shedding a manly tear. “He was there for me.”
“I know how that feels,” Mark says mournfully. “I built Facebook for my best friend.” Well really it was for Wardo so he could impress his dad but semantics.
“I built him Cerebro.”
“I am the second youngest billionaire in the world and I’m completely miserable because I miss Wardo.”
“I’m the baddest mutant and all I want is Charles’s attention.”
“He gave me 19 thousand dollars to start up this company and we had groupies.”
“He gave me life. He saved me,” Magneto says, a perfect tear rolling down his perfect face.
Usually this is the point where, someone asks “well why don’t you just fly to him and say sorry?” but Mark doesn’t say that because he knows things are complicated okay? And it’s kind of awkward because he maybe feels a bit like his hayfever is acting up.
Magneto’s watery eyes stare into Mark’s intense blue gaze and time stops.
“Magneto! We have to go! The X-men are coming any minute now,” she said urgently.
Magneto stays put, instead he takes off his helmet. “Hello, old friend,” he says with a smile.
The day after tomorrow…
Mark is browsing his friends list when he sees.
♥ Erik Lehnsherr is in a relationship with Charles Xavier.
Three days later…
“You will be his friend. Mark is a good guy,” Magneto says while levitating in Eduardo’s kitchen with his arms crossed. He’s slamming the fridge and cabinet doors for dramatic effect. “I know he hurt you but you will be happier if you forgive him.” He leaves a disk on the table. “This is security footage from Facebook HQ. If you are half the guy that deserves him, you’ll know what to do.”
Eduardo pinches the bridge of his nose and runs his hands through his hair. He would be worried about bed-hair in front of strangers but the man floating in his kitchen is probably a more pressing concern. “Are you trying to blackmail me?” He forgets he’s not supposed to care. “Uh I mean what does it have to do with me?”
Magneto cocks his head and gives Eduardo a piercing look which reminds him too much of Mark. “No. But if you prefer-”
An even voice pipes in from nowhere, “Eri- Magneto. Where have you gone? I’m- oh. I told you, you mustn’t interfere. Leave the poor man be.”
“I haven’t harmed him, my friend,” Magneto says indignantly. “I wasn’t going to!”
“Thanks,” Eduardo says.
”Thank me by watching this so I can thank Mark.”
“Come back to bed,” the voice says, sounding sultry.
“What-” Eduardo says, feeling a bit freaked out.
And with a pop, Magneto is gone in a puff of black smoke.
Eduardo blinks. He really needs some coffee.
And if he’s thinking of accepting the friend request, it’s better to be safe than sorry right? He’s not sure that a mutant villain is a great character reference but he has to say he’s intrigued. He pops the disk in.
One hour later…
Eduardo Saverin is now friends with Mark Zuckerberg.
Erik Lehnsherr, Charles Xavier, Dustin Moskovitz, Chris Hughes and 529, 883 others likes this.