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Fighting Unsubtly over the Chipper Kid: A Selfish Saga

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TT: John.

EB: oh hey rose! i haven't heard from you in a while, what's up?

TT: This may seem out of the blue, but...
TT: Would you be free this Friday to attend an exclusive screening at the cineplex? By dint of knowing the theatre's owner, I happened to procure a pair of free tickets.

EB: oh man...
EB: rose i'd love to but. uh.
EB: i'm already going to a concert with dave this friday!
EB: so, like. next time! ok?
EB: i promise!

>Rose: Feel jealous.

Jealous, you would hasten to correct, is not the most accurate word to use in order to convey your emotions, assuming you are talking about the original intended meaning and not the adapted meaning that most people with an abridged vocabulary assume.

"Jealousy" is the fear that something you already have will be taken away from you.

Envy is the proper word in this case.

Rather than bottling your rage and letting it simmer, you decide to directly question the perpetrator to confirm whether your suspicions are correct.

 

TT: Let there be no secrets between siblings, Dave. There is something that I must ask you and I want you to answer me honestly.
TT: What are your feelings towards John?

TG: woah woah
TG: cant a guy and his bro go to some wholesome gig without being accused of the homogay
TG: cmon rose i thought you were good about this

TT: I am never one to make blind accusations. Know that my suspicions are not unfounded.
TT: I am simply basing my speculation on previous observations of the interactions between the two of you.

TG: evidence lalonde
TG: you cant win this case on baseless conjecture
TG: so unless you present something definitive i am holding you in contempt of court

TT: I see Terezi is rubbing off on you.

TG: yeah well what can i say
TG: girls been so far up in my grill with her objections and shit
TG: almost makes me want to play that shitty video game she is obsessed with

TT: Well, then, if we are doing this in this format.
TT: Exhibit A: the Shades.
TT: How curious that the most important article of clothing in your possession, which has inexpressible significance to your psyche, came straight from the man himself.

TG: low blow rose
TG: those are ironic ok
TG: nothing bromoromantic going on there

TT: I see that you are not convinced. Very well then.
TT: Exhibit B: the Mix CD.
TT: John forwarded it to me.
TT: All of the songs are love songs.

TG: so what
TG: most mainstream music these days is about sex whats so special about that
TG: pick a song any song itll be about unrequited love or breakups or blowjobs

TT: Ah, yes, but most of this was of your own original composition.

TG: cant help it if im influenced by the times
TG: a man of the hour so to speak

TT: Upon analysis of the lyrics, I happened to notice that the majority of the pronouns used were... male.
TG: touche
TG: well rose you got me im gay

TT: So it is true, then?

TG: wasnt much of a secret anyway
TG: still doesnt mean im into egbert

TT: I am simply clarifying for future reference. Your sexual preferences will have no bearing on my opinion of you one way or another.

TG: haha thats a laugh
TG: stop with the bullshit lalonde we all know youve got the hots for egbert

TT: Perhaps. I will not leap straight to denial as you do.
TT: But I digress. We were not finished with this courtroom charade, were we?

TG: if you insist

TT: Exhibit C: The fact that you have spent the past six Fridays with him on what could be considered stereotypical "dates" were he not so oblivious to your true intentions.
TT: Movies. Sports games. More movies.
TT: You took him to fucking Olive Garden.

TG: i
TG: ok
TG: this is the time where i would begin my ridiculously elaborate freakout
TG: hair exploding lobsters levitating that kind of thing
TG: ending with me confessing my guilt to all of the murders and also all the crimes for the past five cases or something
TG: but this isnt a shitty lawyer game so ill just say
TG: yep lalonde you got me
TG: im the killer
TG: its me

TT: I hope that you aren't actually guilty of his murder. That would be truly devastating.

TG: so i guess the situation here is
TG: i like him
TG: im pretty sure you like him too

TT: Please don't suggest a threesome.

TG: oh dear gog no
TG: why
TG: why would you put those words in my brain
TG: no no no no no
TG: if i didnt have a strict commitment to avoiding punctuation thered be exclamation points everywhere
TG: shout poles all up in this bitch

TT: Your objection is duly noted. I apologize if I caused any undue brain trauma.

TG: a little late for that lalonde

TT: Understood.
TT: Well, then, I propose a solution.
TT: Each of us tries our hardest to win the heart of our derpy yet mystifyingly attractive compatriot.
TT: In the end, whichever one of us he chooses, gets him.

TG: sounds fair enough

TT: To that end, I shall leave Fridays to you as long as I have sole rights to his weekends.

TG: i dont think thats possible rose

TT: How come?

TG: saturdays are movie marathons with karkat
TG: and sundays he plays dnd with vriska

TT: ...

TG: oh no
TG: you dont think

TT: ...I believe I shall have to contact our extraterrestrial compatriots.
TT: I fear that this game may be more than just the two of us.
TT: Wish me luck.

TG: luck
TG: hah
TG: good luck then
TG: youll need it

TT: Not against you, I won't.

TG: trash talking now lalonde has it come to that

TT: Perhaps. We'll see how long this sibling rivalry lasts.