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When in Doubt, Wear Red

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There was only one thing worse than Dave Strider's smug motherfucker act, and it was his smug motherfucker act after he'd won a bet.

It was worse than Sollux's smug, worse than even Vriska's smug -- at least spiderbitch had the fucking grace to have visible emotions. But no, even the hint of a smirk or a glance over his glasses was too good for Dave Fucking Strider, asshole at large. He just stood there, hands in pockets, those big dark glasses boring into Karkat's soul as he waited for the troll to crack.

As he always did. "What," Karkat snapped, his fingers reflexively curling into fists. "What do you want. Get it over with. Tell me what disgusting human thing you want me to do so we can get our obligatory Laugh at Karkat time over with and I can go die in peace."

"You can't die anymore," Dave said coolly, his posture not shifting even the most infinitesimal portion of a measuring unit.

"We're going to test that theory if you continue to tug on the thin fucking shreds that are left of whatever patience I still have, nookstain," Karkat snarled. "Spit it out! WHAT. DO. YOU. WANT."

Was that a snort he heard? Did the way Dave push his glasses up on his nose denote amusement? Was he going to fucking respond before Karkat spontaneously exploded and blew a hole into this pathetic excuse for an afterlife they were all suffering through?

From a far corner, Rose sighed and looked up from her omnipresent knitting. "Dave, please tell him before the heat death of this universe."


Rose's icy lavender eyes slid to Karkat, who gave the mouthy broad the full force of his infuriated glare. She sighed again. "Then tell him before he causes the heat death of this universe."

Dave gave her a coolkid shrug that Karkat wanted to punch him in the face for. "Alright. Wouldn't want Karkitty's head to explode all over our nice shiny new universe."


"Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold up there," Dave said, one hand shooting up to stop Karkat's forward progress. Karkat stopped, not willing to give the insufferable prick the satisfaction of actually touching Karkat's garments with his pasty white flesh. "You get up in my grill, you owe me extra."

Karkat ground his teeth. "I'm not interested in your fucking retarded meat-burning apparatus. Why did you even have those things? Didn't your species ever invent temperature regulated cooking boxes, or were you too busy licking each other's seed flaps to raise to that basic level of technology?"

An honest-to-gog snort from the corner. "Maybe you shouldn't stop. He's on a roll."

Karkat shot Little Miss Meddlesome a look as Dave did that little tilt of his head that suggested he was giving his paradox sister one hell of a side-eye.

"Alright, so," the coolkid said, pointing his stone face back at Karkat, "tomorrow, from the time you come out of your room until I feel like saying goodnight, you pretend you're a girl."

Karkat had braced himself for some sort of searing stupidity, but this left him in baffled incomprehension. The poisonous look he caught Rose leveling on her brother only confused him more. "Which one?"

Dave's little smirk vanished. "What?"

"Which one, fuckass? I'd like to know who I'm supposed to grovel to the day after tomorrow once I've cosplayed as them for your twisted human amusement." A thought flitted through Karkat's head that instantly made him bare his teeth. "And if you expect us to make out, fuck you, pervert."

If Karkat wasn't mistaken (and it'd be hard to be given the maggoty translucence of the human's skin), a blush was creeping across Dave's cheeks. "You're missing the point, dunkass. I don't want you to be a particular girl, I want you to be a girl. Skirts. Ruffles. Lipstick. Be the pretty little lolita we all know you've got deep inside, Karkitty."

"What the fuck is a lolita?" Karkat snarled, his mouth running off before his mind parsed the far more disturbing implication in Dave's words. However. he didn't have a chance to shout about it before Rose spoke up again.

"What my dear brother is referring to is the backward and dated human concept that certain articles of clothing belong only to certain genders--"

"You're fucking kidding me, that's a thing?"

"--and that it is inherently humiliating for a man to dress in clothing that has been assigned for women."

Karkat looked from Rose, who still glared at her brother, to Dave, who looked, insofar as it was possible for the coolkid to have expressions, like he desperately wanted to abscond. "Why the fuck is that a thing? Oh my god." Karkat threw up his hands. "I can't believe we made your universe. It was the stupidest of all possible universes. It had all of the stupid! But it couldn't have had all of it or I wouldn't be standing here after having been asked to participate in something stupid from it. I am going to explode from stupidity right on this very spot."

"Says the man from a planet where pictures of horse dick are fine art."

"Strider, don't even start with me, I've seen your Internet."

"Touché," said Rose, her voice razor-edged. "Which means that you can also look up the intricacies of human female fashion. I'd let Dave explain it to you, but," she said as she stood, her knitting vanishing into her sylladex with an audible snap, "he and I need to have a what I believe your species calls a 'feelings jam'."

"Fuck," Dave muttered. He flashstepped from the room, Rose lunging after him.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA]

GA: Do You Need To Hide A Body
GA: Then Do You Need Me To Help You Make One
GA: Heh
GA: Sorry
GA: If Its Auspisticing Im Sorry But I Dont Do That Anymore