Feel the life drain out of you when you go to work? Sick of retail? Co-workers getting on your nerves? Mother nagging you to get out and do something with your life?
Have you considered becoming the Next Companion?
Young at heart preferred. Ability to think on your feet a must. Willingness to be fully immersed in foreign time periods, cultures, and substances. Must be able to run on adrenaline for extended periods of time.
No work experience or degree necessary other than an open mind - all on the job training provided!
(Disclaimer: Not responsible for missed birthdays, weddings, anniversaries, or ten year reunions. May get covered in slime, mud, ash, alien leftovers, and tomorrow's chicken surprise. Not responsible for legal and/or illegal arrests, imprisonments, and detainments. If necessary, a break out will be staged. Bail and paperwork will be provided at some point. Resurrection provided in case of accidental death though certain limits apply; see terms of service. Not valid in the county of New New Mexico between 3418 and 3495, standard calendar. All exclusions apply. See psychic paper for details.)
So, why should you become a Companion?
1. Meet a diverse group of individuals
Ever dreamed about what five famous people you'd like to share a pint with?
Make that dream come true - today, tomorrow, or even yesterday!
From museum curators to queens, from Leonardo da Vinci to Winston Churchill, be prepared to meet everyone and anyone. Every new location you come across brings ample opportunities to meet individuals you never would have expected to exist.
Sign up today, and on your second trip you can choose which famous personality you'll meet!
Never fear the risks of traveling alone again! Your fellow companions will open your eyes to a whole new host of cultural possibilities. Your burning questions about the differences between applying psychedelic vs. sonic lipstick are a thing of the past. Previous travelling companions have included individuals from a variety of countries, planets, and eras. That strapping young fellow in uniform who rescues you from a barrage balloon may end up in the room next door, accompanying you out on your next adventure.
Guests are more than welcome for extended periods.
2. All expenses paid: room and board provided!
No job? No money? No problem!
All you need are the clothes on your back, ability to suspend disbelief on a regular basis, and fearlessness in charging head first into history. Period and environmentally appropriate clothing provided at no cost when available. Full range of dietary options available at all times of day, night, morning, afternoon, accidental time loops, etc.
Appropriate paper work and spending money provided on a discretionary basis, so long as no questions are asked. It doesn't matter that you can't afford that vintage Victorian velvet dress on your own. If you can run up twelve sets of stairs while being chased by a legion of the undead, it's yours!
Imagine being able to unwind at the end of an infinitely long quest in your dream room, feeling totally refreshed and years younger after an incredible night's sleep on your dream bed. Your dreams can be more real than you think! All your wishes can be met before you even say a word in this work environment.
Pool and library access occasionally provided.
3. Dynamic workplace environment
Do you know where you're going to be next Tuesday at four o'clock? Is your laundry sorted by date? Is the biggest question in your life whether you should turn left or right at the intersection to avoid commute traffic?
Hate routine? Want access to the latest technology? Want to play with historically inaccurate medical supplies?
Think your boss is a monster, secretly eating your co-workers and then wearing their skins at night?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, then it's time for a change!
As a Companion, you'll never see the same place twice! [Accidental time loops not withstanding.] From frozen mountains to flying metropolises to utopia itself, there's nowhere that's out of reach. Never need to make another schedule again: all of time and space is within your grasp.
Duties may include being the voice of reason, nodding profusely when you don't understand what's going on, starting revolutions, ending wars spanning generations, picking up the milk, going undercover in a school cafeteria, investigating suspicious dietary claims, answering Elvis trivia questions, and employing unorthodox poison control methods. Must know or learn when to drop everything to simply listen.
4. Personal growth guaranteed (may or may not be literal)
Do your New Year's Resolutions always involve using that new gym membership? Can't be bothered to keep up with the news?
As a companion, you'll never need to worry about boredom again!
But as a companion, you'll gain more than physical strength and flexibility. Through your adventures, misadventures, and accidental shopping stops, you will discover more than you could have ever expected about your origins and core self.
While you realize how differently your life could have been, you will be put to the test in pushing your boundaries and changing the course of history time and time again. Through your tenure as a companion, you will become more than you could have imagined you could become.
Consequences of personal growth may include omniscience, immortality, ability to create universes, ability to destroy universes, marriage, lottery winnings, enhanced self-esteem, spouses, children, and enhanced memory.
5. Excellent phone plan
All companions are provided with one (1) key and up to eleven (11) cell-phones with free universal roaming, automatic time zone and era adjustment, and call forwarding. Must provide own phone; familiarity with outer space Facebook app preferred. Be willing to have new software installed through unorthodox methods. May lead to some alterations to existing phone books.
Key will be provided at discretion based on companion's needs and past performance.
6. BONUS! LIMITED TIME OPPORTUNITY!
Test-drive a stylish, one of a kind beauty today! Comes with ketchup and mustard dispensers and self-stirring tea kettle in a surprisingly roomy, avant-garde interior. Receive instant feedback on your driving skills! Complimentary flying lessons commensurate on experience.
Don't forget to take off the parking brake.
Don't let go of controls once engine begins vibrating. Contents of control room may shift during travel.
Pterodactyl not included at this time.
What are you waiting for? Apply now to become the Next Companion!
Testimonials from previous companions:
"Gained a degree that led to a career of a lifetime - becoming a doctor fulfilled my lifelong dream of changing the world. I may have spent most of my childhood playing hide and go seek, but I later discovered that I have a knack for flying sentient objects, using my wily wily ways to get others to remove their clothes, and rock an eyepatch like no one else. Picked up a lost language, Cleopatra's wig and psychadelic and/or poisonous cosmetics. My honeymoon will be out of this world - nay, even universe!"
"Discovered that I should never volunteer as a drug trial subject or as a maid. Also am well equipped to provide medical care for multiple species across galaxies, to raise the hopes of downtrodden masses in the most paradoxical of places, and to issue ultimatums. Hope to continue my work even after my tenure as a Companion has officially ended."
"Gained access to top secret info from home and infiltrated the most hostile technology with panache. Discovered that I have flexible taste in relationships depending on the circumstances and the consequences of others getting my name wrong. Remember to always keep a jar of pickles on hand."
"Discovered that being plastic doesn't mean you've had plastic surgery! Got a backbone, more than a lifetime of memories you couldn't believe, and a whole slew of one-liners that no one ever sees coming. I'm not to be toyed with - my wife will assure you that I can switch from be the biggest softie you've ever seen (don't get me near babies) to leading the last stand no matter how terrible the odds."
"Found that keeping exterminators and the government in line beats working in retail and eating chips with your mother any day. Will never see Britney Spears' 'Toxic,' Father's Day, the Summer Olympics, or plastic mannequins in the same way ever again. Trips to the beach were unforgettable."
"After working as a temp for years, I obtained full time employment educating resident aliens about local customs and smacking common sense into skinny stick idiots. Saving the universe, one hopeless idiot at a time - you have to start somewhere. This is for your employment agency, yeah?"
"Traveling as a companion, I was able to learn about new cultures, develop closer familiar bonds, and meet the love of my life. Having my teachers along gave new meaning to an interactive classroom."
"Knowledge of European history greatly improved, particularly of Roman Britain. Learned how to fence, use classical weapons, and become a legend. That, and I found a free wedding entertainer who also arranges out of this world honeymoons."
"Being a companion gave me the excellent opportunity to personally facilitate inter-species relations on multiple fronts, rendering the need for personal transportation obsolete. Because of my intimate experiences with key players, I gained leadership of a cutting edge security and research facility complete with pterodactyl, suit-and-tie wearing barista, and invisible lift. Have lost interest in reality TV shows, though my one stint as a guest star brought phenomenal ratings."
"You never stop being a Companion. I was given the opportunity to investigate cases out of this world while being a full time mother. Also, gained the latest in lipstick, computer machinery, and a dog who's smarter than your honors student."