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Trouble in Paradise

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God sighs. 'Seriously?' She looks very unimpressed.

Andy knows how she feels. He's never wanted to see that much of Eric Pickles, for one thing. Let alone what God's talking about...

Cameron blinks up at God shamelessly, his legs splayed. Osborne seems to be trying to hide his bright-red face on Cameron's inner thigh, but you know what they say about God. She can see Everything.

'I leave you alone for ten minutes,' God says, her hands on her ample hips. She's quite beautiful. But then, she would be, wouldn't she?

Leave it to Andy to get a crush on God. Just his luck.

'The sexual tension's been unbearable for years,' Chris says in a very bored tone, from where he's been swinging his legs off the side of the cloud. 'Put them in an absurd situation like this, starkers, with adrenaline going haywire, and it doesn't take a Supreme Being to know what would happen.'

'That's enough from you,' God says, before directing her gaze back at the miscreants. 'There's no sex in Heaven, you two.'

'We're not actually in Heaven, are we?' Tony says brightly. 'We're on a cloud!' He's taken all of this, from Rapture to nudity, the best of any of them. But then he would, Andy thinks darkly, remembering Alastair's books.

God is ignoring Tony, her fingers pinching the bridge of her nose in a pose that Andy knows all too well from the many times Yvette's made it over the years. He misses Yvette and Ed already.

'I thought we were going to be spirits,' Pickles says miserably. 'If we have to be in our bodies, can we have some clothes?'

Tony looks scandalised. 'Clothes don't belong in Heaven!'

Andy makes the mistake of glancing over at Osborne and Cameron again. Osborne seems to be trying to surreptitiously press kisses to the inside of Cameron's thigh now, while Cameron's thrown his head back into the cloud and nearly disappeared from sight. Tories. No shame at all in the presence of the Creator.

God is shaking her head slowly, her long black curls bouncing in the Celestial Wind. 'I don't think you lot are ready for the Rapture yet. Perhaps I should come back in another million years.'

Andy finally finds his voice. 'You're going to leave us on this cloud for another million years?' He's not sure he can bear it. Is this Purgatory, then? Is he to expiate his sins by sharing a cloud with a horde of randy Tories? Punishment indeed.

God seems to make a decision, dusting her hands off decisively. 'Right, then. I'm off to the next galaxy. Catch you all later.'

For a horrifying moment, Andy thinks she does mean to leave them there, but then God snaps her fingers, and he finds himself falling.

All around him, MPs are falling as well, in various states of serenity. Cameron and Osborne have somehow managed to wrap themselves around each other, and are making out quite calmly. Pickles looks absolutely terrified - surely he should be the least worried about impact? Tony's crying, big wrenching sobs, whether from meeting God or having Heaven wrenched from him, Andy's not quite sure.

This has been the most surreal day of Andy's life. He looks away from everyone else, gazes straight ahead. Far off in the distance, he can see the wink of God's golden chariot, vanishing into the bright blue horizon.

A thought occurs to him suddenly, and despite the overwhelming numbness which has settled over him, he has to laugh, loud and sharp and long.

Watch out, all of you. We're coming back.

He can hardly wait to see Ed's face.