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Don't Want to Know What I'll Be Without You

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"So you just want to be friends."

That's what Fumi-chan will say. It won't really be a question at all. Her voice will be low, flat, and she'll look down, her hair falling into her face.

Akira's seen that look before. It makes her heart ache to remember Fumi-chan's quiet despair when she told Akira she liked her that way. She'd do anything to keep Fumi-chan from looking like that again.

And it's not like she hates kissing or, or touching or (it makes her blush just to think about it) well, or anything. It's not like she thinks it's gross, not like when she thinks about doing the same things with a boy. It's nice, even, some of it. Having someone else's tongue in her mouth is weird, but she likes kissing without tongues. And Fumi-chan's hands and fingers and lips feel good, even in places Akira never imagined having someone's lips before.

But that's just it. She didn't imagine it. She doesn't, still. Fumi-chan tells her, whispers in her ear with her fingers buried deep inside, all the things she's fantasised about, all the things she wants to do to her.

Akira tried it once, fantasising. She closed her eyes and pulled the blankets up under her chin and made herself comfy. She thought about what they'd done that afternoon, up in Fumi-chan's room while her mom was out shopping, but at some point her mind wandered and she started thinking instead about that first time at the movies, holding Fumi-chan's hand in the dark and hoping no one noticed.

Thinking about sex makes her blush, but it's thinking about holding Fumi-chan's hand that makes her heart ache with longing. Her arms feel empty without Fumi-chan to hold, but not the way Fumi-chan wants to hold her.

Someday maybe Akira will tell her. Someday when it's been long enough that Fumi-chan will believe her when she says it doesn't mean she just wants to be friends.

She doesn't want to just be friends. She can't. The very thought brings tears to her eyes, leaves her feeling shattered.

But she is a good actor, everyone says so, and someday the time will be right.