The night goes on just as smooth as it began, and we dug into our food with our usual gusto. You can take the Slayer out of the local diner, but you can't stop them from eating like pigs. And even though I didn't see any of the usual stuff I wanted to dive into, like burgers, fries and all the good shit that stops the heart, the food was really good. I was wrong about the snobby waiter part though. The dude was actually kinda annoying. Kept checking in on us and asking if we were enjoying the food.
I don't think him or B appreciated when I told him that I would appreciate it more if I got to eat it without seeing his face every five minutes. I got a kick under the table for that one. What can I say? I wanted to enjoy the dinner with the beautiful woman I was having it with and not have some guy that was looking to get a big tip out of the deal keep interrupting.
After that though, the night went on and me and B got to enjoy the meal in peace. She threw in a few flirty jabs at me, but it's wasn't anything I couldn't hold my own against. I managed to make her blush some more, and she managed to make me hornier. Not that it takes much where she's concerned, just looking at her kicks the motor into high gear. It was our usual banter and we had a good time, but then again we always do when we're together.
Afterwards, she suggested that we walk off dinner. It was a cool, breezy night and as soon as we started walking B eased closer to me and I felt her shiver. With what she was wearing, as sexy as it looks, it's not really made to ward off the chill, and I'm sure she felt every bit of the breeze that was blowing. I offered to give her my jacket, but she declined and eased her arm inside of my jacket to wrap around my waist, and I put my arm around her. Yep. Normal cozy shit that friends do.
Even though we were having a nice little stroll around, both our senses were on high alert. We weren't really expecting any trouble in this part of town, but you never can be too careful when living on a Hellmouth. After we walked for a few blocks without running into any nasties, we made our way back to the restaurant to retrieve the jeep. All in all, the non-date went pretty good.
Now I'm pulling into the main gate to the castle getting ready to drop her off and all conversation stops. Right now I'm thinking about getting as far away as possible from her. The night has been good and I've only thought about wanting to have sex with her every other time I looked at her. The times in between I thought about her kissing her senseless. Progress, right?
"So do you want to maybe come up with me? I don't know, maybe watch a movie or something?" She asks and I turn to look at her. I really, really don't with the way I'm feeling. Plus I can't get that kiss out of my head, I've been so wound tight that I'm afraid I may do something stupid if I go in with her.
"Yeah sure B," I find myself saying without hesitation and instantly think 'how fucking dumb of me'. I can never walk away from her even when I know I should. She smiles at my answer and pulls the door open to get out and starts to walk away. I could always just leave and hightail it back to the loft. I know that will probably piss her off though.
The more time I spend with her the more this need inside of me grows for her. Usually when we leave each other at the end of the night, we just talk for a bit before finally saying goodnight. But tonight, I feel so compelled just to be with her. It's almost like something in her is just calling to me and I can't help myself because I don't want the night to end.
I sigh heavily and grip the steering wheel as I watch her retreating form. I watch her stop, bend slightly and pull a leg up behind her to take off one of her shoes, then she does the same with the other. She then turns back towards the car and waves a hand for me to come on.
"Yeah yeah, I'm coming," I mumble as I turn off the engine and get out of the car. "Actually no, I haven't for a while now, and won't be as long as I keep myself locked inside of my damn head with you in it." I have to laugh at myself at that. "Why the hell do you keep doing this to yourself? Because you're a fucking idiot and this woman is driving you insane that's why." Yeah I'm talking to myself like a moron.
"What?" B asks with a frown as I get closer to her.
"I said lead the way Princess." I beckon with my hand for her to lead the way and smile at her. She smiles back before grabbing my hand and pulling me the rest of the way to the door. Damn I hope she didn't hear that shit. Slayer hearing can be a good thing but right now it's probably got her thinking I'm losing my god damn mind.
I feel like I'm walking in a cloud as I follow her inside and down the corridor to the stairs. The castle is quiet, dark, and surprisingly free of any of the other Slayers bustling around. This all feels so surreal. It feels kinda like we're sneaking in to go up to her room to make out or something. And now that damn kiss pops into my mind again and I fight down the moan that's threatening to tear its way from my throat.
Finally making it to the senior wing of the castle, we make our way to her door and she hands me her shoes. She fumbles around in her purse for her keys. After a few seconds she's still looking, so I hip check her.
"Hurry up B before your parents wake up and catch us," I tease, and it makes her chuckle but she keeps up the hunt.
"I um…I think I forgot my keys?" She finally looks at me sheepishly.
"Are you asking me or telling me?"
"I'm telling you….I don't have them. That's what happens when you rush me to get dressed. Do you have yours?"
"What?" I laugh at that. "I didn't rush you, and you were the one who said pick you up at seven. I even got here late because I knew you wouldn't be ready by then."
"Fine…okay, I forgot my keys. Now do you or don't you have them?"
"Do I have your keys? No, why would I?" I grin at her and she rolls her eyes and sighs all dramatic-like. I laugh and stick my hand in my pocket to pull out my keys. Yeah I got a key to Buffy's room. She gave it to me weeks after I gave her a key to my loft, telling me it was only right that I had it. Guessing it was a good idea now. I hand them over to her and I swear her hand shakes a little when she takes them. It makes me worry a little. They shake slightly again as she puts the key in the door to unlock it. Okay, now I'm really worried. Is she nervous?
Finally getting the door open and stepping inside, she flips on the lamp and drops my keys on the table next to hers. There's that sheepish look again and I can't help but shake my head with a grin. "I guess it's good you did come up with me. I'm thinking I'd look silly trying to scale the castle wall and climb into my window with this dress on."
"Not sillier than some of the outfits I've seen you slay in before. Not sure if you were trying to kill vamps or auditioning for the runway." I can't help but rib her a little and throw a wink her way as she narrows her eyes at me before turning towards her bedroom.
She throws over her shoulder for me to find something for us to watch, but the only thing I can watch right now is the way her ass moves as she walks away. When she's finally out of sight, I sigh heavily and make my own way further into her place. I've been avoiding spending so much time with her here, or even at my place, alone. I mean just look at what happened the last time when we were in my bedroom together, I molested her while she was sleeping. So anything involving me and her alone, or horizontal in a bed is definitely not a good thing.
"Get a grip. We're just gonna hang and watch a movie or something. You can handle that." Talking to myself again. Wicked bad. This woman is driving me insane.
I laugh humorlessly at myself and go to the den area and pull my jacket off and throw it over the back of the couch. I sit down heavily, throw my arms across the back and lean my head back against it and close my eyes. I can't help but think about all the time we've been spending together and what it means. Yeah I know friends hang and do shit together all the time. I mean me and Ken hang out a lot, but not like this.
Even hanging with Xander ain't like this. All with the touchy feely shit that B and I do. I guess the fact that I've never really had this type of 'friendly' relationship with anyone has me reading more into it than necessary. B's a girly girl and so fucking high maintenance. Things are bound to be different with her, right?
I don't know how long I was left to my thoughts, but I feel the warmth of her as the couch sinks down beside me. I don't move or say anything, I just wait for her.
"So, nothing you wanted to watch?"
She's sitting so close to me and her smell is intoxicating. I turn my head slowly and open my eyes to look at her. She went and took off that 'come fuck me' dress and she has on a t-shirt that fits her body perfectly with a pair of cotton shorts. Her hair is pulled up in a loose ponytail and God does she know how fucking sexy she can be without even trying? I want her so damn bad. Yeah, me coming in with her was definitely a bad idea.
"Nah B, unless you've managed to add something with blood and guts to your rom-com collection, I don't think you have anything I want to see right now." My voice is low and husky, I can hear the way it sounds in my own head and I sound like I want to fuck her senseless. If she was more familiar with how I am when I get this way she'd know it too.
"Oh come on Faith, you don't feel like crying tears of joy because the guy finally got the girl in the end?" She teases, knowing good and well that I can't stand those clichéd movies she loves so much. Things never happen in real life how they turn out in the movies. The geek gets the girl. The outsider from the wrong side of the tracks gets the girl. The fucked up murdering Slayer that screwed up and turned evil gets the girl. Yeah, don't think we'll be seeing that last one on the big screen anytime soon.
"Only you get that way with those sorry excuses for movies B. You know I'm not that sensitive. None of that shit happens in real life." And it really doesn't, I should know that better than anyone.
She props an arm over the back of the couch and leans her head against her hand. "Of course it does! Happy endings happen all the time."
"Whatever you say girlfriend. Never in my lifetime have I seen any shit like that happen before…especially not to me." I wince internally, because damn did I just say that? She gets this little smile on her face and it makes me look away hoping I haven't opened what I just said up for interpretation.
"Yep, it's whatever I say…and I say your story isn't done being told." I snort at this and wonder how this conversation veered onto this path, and hope that it doesn't continue. "I can see it though, no matter how tough you try to act, I know you're nothing but a big pile of mushiness under all that badass Slayerness, and you're just waiting for your very own rom-com happy ending."
She's smiling now like she thinks she's busted me. She really hasn't though. I'm not waiting for a happy ending, I know that's not in the cards for me. Not once have I thought I'm lucky enough to get the girl. I'm just hoping to get through to the end without having my heart ripped out. Hey, now that's one for the movies. 'Faith the Vampire Slayer: A tragic love story'. Definitely don't want to watch that one again. I had enough of it the first time I starred in it and I'm not looking to make a sequel. This is why we can never be anything other than what we are. Just friends.
I pull a face at her and frown, but mainly at my own thoughts. "Do you have your very own dictionary for this shit you make up? Cos' if you don't, you really should. Shit is priceless."
"Hey! What I said was very dictionary friendly. I'm on to you, so stop trying to change the subject," she pokes me in the stomach playfully.
"What subject? We weren't talking about anything…at least not anything important." My frown is still in place and right now I really just want to talk about something else. Or maybe not even talk, just get the hell out of here and away from her and whatever it is I'm feeling.
"Hey there was a subject, and it was all subjecty until you went and changed it."
"There you go again….Buffyism 101. You should put that on your training roster B, that way we know just what the hell you're always on about." I swear she's so confusing sometimes, but most of the time it's just so damn cute.
"Okay now you're just making fun of me." She tells me and then pokes me in the stomach again.
"You betcha, it's one of my favorite things to do because you're so easy." She just rolls her eyes and pokes me in the stomach again. "Quit that shit already. Are you on something?" I ask while swatting at her hands. She just smiles at me. So fucking beautiful she is. "Seriously, what's up with you tonight? You're acting weirder than usual, so what's the what Blondie, you been taking stupid pills again? You're acting even more like a spaz than usual."
"You've gone all dark and broody on me. I'm just trying to get you to smile, or laugh, and stop acting all tough and gung ho all the time."
Yeah. I am acting all dark and broody right now because that's how I feel, but I refuse to laugh at her antics even though she's being adorable right now.
"Did you just call me a hoe?"
She laughs and moves impossibly closer, with her knees pressed up against my thigh. I look up at her and she looks like something that I've never believed in, she looks like an angel….not the vampy, souled type, but one with a heavenly body because she definitely has one. I will myself not to look down at it too because if I did I know I wouldn't be able to stop staring at it.
"No silly, I'd never call you that. I just love to see you smile, that's all. I love it even more when I can be the one to make you do it. You have those cute dimples that never fail to take my breath away when you flash them just for me." She smiles sweetly at me.
This makes me sit up and regard her for a moment. I'm getting a little confused here because my smile, or my laugh is just that. It is what it is no matter who put it there. "Take your breath away?" I question with a raised brow, wondering what she's on about and she just nods.
"Damn B, that's deep. You sure it's not just this air quality here instead?" I'm hoping joking around will throw her off to how that really makes me feel. Because damn. I take her breath away? Funny that because I seem to stop breathing whenever she walks into a room.
She rolls her eyes but she's still smiling. "Nope, it's all you when you're being cute and funny with the adorable dimples, and you know it."
"What makes you think I put that much thought into this shit? I smile when I find something to smile about and laugh when something's funny. If I do it around you a lot that's because you're such a dork all the time." Okay, so that's bullshit. I know I use the dimples like a weapon because they have people falling all over themselves sometimes when I break them out.
I'm very in tune with every aspect of my body, and I know chicks dig them, and so do the guys. They have the ability to let me get away with a lot of dumb shit, with B especially. To know there's one somewhere in there that leaves her breathless kinda make me feel good. She chuckles a little and I just wait as she gets ready to explain. I have a feeling I'm about to be put in a babble fest, but this is something I wanna hear.
"Well it's like you have a million different smiles Faith. I'm still trying to learn them all but I'm definitely familiar with all of my favorites." She stops, but laughs at the brow I raise again, urging her to continue. If this is something I'm doing that gives my feelings for her away I really need to put that shit in check. If she actually knew how I felt, I'm sure she wouldn't think it was all that breath taking. She'd pack up and leave town, or pack my shit up and push me out of town.
"There's the one you get when you're flirting. You put on the smirk that shows just one of your dimples. It's like you're teasing and you know when to turn it on just slightly in tune with the flirtiness. Then there's when you're being bad and you think you're amusing, or trying to get your way. You get this sly grin on your face and the dimples are barely there, just peeking through but ready to break free at any moment to get your way. And then there's my favorite….," she trails off and doesn't say anything.
"Well shit, don't stop there B, spill it, what's the fav?" I raise my head and I turn to fully look at her, interested in the fact that she's taken so much time to categorize my smiles and dimples.
"It's the one where you're so happy that you can't help yourself and they take on a mind of their own. They're so deep and adorable that no matter what you do you can't make them disappear."
Damn. She's really put a lot of thought into this. Even more than I have when I'm actually doing it. But I guess she's right. And fuck. I have a tell just like she does with the way her eyes change color. I wonder if there's anything else I do that gives me away. Is there an 'I want you so bad it hurts' one? Or 'I kinda love the fuck out of you' one? If there is I'm sure she sees it every time I look at her. Fuck my life.
With a groan, I drop my head back down on the back of the sofa and bring a hand up to run over my face at the thought of me being my own worst enemy. Something simple as the way I smile and break out the dimples has my feelings for her literally written all over my face. This can't be good. I knew I shouldn't have come up here with her.
But it's not like it matters though, it's not like she still wouldn't know this shit from the way she's reading me right now. My frown deepens as I feel her take my hand in hers, pulling it away from my face. I don't look at her though. I can't. She may see something there that I don't want her to see.
"There's also this one," she says quietly while still holding my hand. "Something's on your mind….and it's not the cute, thinky one where you're just all confused about something. It's the one where you're thinking of something not of the good, maybe even something that makes you a little sad."
I open my eyes and finally turn my head to look at her. Her head is still leaning against her hand that's resting on the back of the couch and she's staring at me. I want to look away but I can't because fuck she's beautiful. I see a small smile forming on her face and she's started rubbing the back of my hand with her thumb.
Her eyes are dark, so I know there's something stirring inside of her too, but her gaze is soft. In her eyes I can see that she's giving me whatever time I need to work out what's going on in my head right now. I don't know if that's a good thing or not because we could be here a long time if that's really what she's doing. Forever even.
"I'm not sad B." I find my voice to say and that's when I finally look away from her. "I just….," I trail off with a sigh not really knowing what more to say. 'I just don't want to fall back in love with you and hurt you or myself like that again.' Yeah. I can't say that. Luckily, I'm saved from saying anything.
"Well then, if you're not sad, that means I still have a chance at getting what I want from you right now."
My eyes shoot back to her, my frown deepens and I purse my lips. Cute, thinky one maybe? Yeah. Because I'm totally confused and I'm wondering just what the hell that means.
"W…What," I stutter slightly wondering when the hell Red invaded my body. I clear my throat. "What do you want?"
She lets go of my hand and places it on my face. She slowly begins to rub her thumb across my cheek where my dimple appears. What the fuck is she doing? What is it that she wants? Damn B, spit it out already! And then she does….
"C'mon Faith, leave me breathless."
Oh wow. I blink at her a few times and watch as she raises a brow and a slow smile forms on her lips. Is she serious? That's what she wants? And just like that, I break out the dimpled grin that she wanted because really, I just couldn't help myself after she said that. It was so fucking corny and cute, not to mention sexy as hell the way she said it….and yes, all of the above makes me happy. When she's being a total goof ball, and just being herself….not The Slayer, but just a normal chick saying stupid shit like that. I couldn't stop myself from smiling like an idiot at her if I wanted to.
"There they are!" She says all loud and so full of herself that she got me to laugh at her. I shake my head at her and make an attempt to reign them in but I can't. I reach for one of the pillows on the couch and hug it to my chest, like it's some kind of shield from her cuteness. I close my eyes and lean my head back against the couch.
"You're stupid," I tell her, but I'm the one still smiling like an idiot because I just can't help myself.
"And you're adorable," she counters and then I feel her lean in and place a kiss against my cheek. I don't react to it even though I want to, and maybe ask why she just did that. That's no big deal right? A compliment followed by a simple kiss on the cheek, not like friends don't do that kind of shit right? Plus I don't want her to know just how much she's affecting me.
"I have a confession to make." She whispers and leans her forehead against my temple.
My smile waivers and I frown, but I don't move. "Yeah?"
"I didn't really forget my keys tonight."
My frown deepens and this time I open my eyes and turn slowly, this makes her move her head back a little. She's not far enough away though because now we're face to face and our eyes are locked. She's so damn close and all I need to do is move an inch and I could kiss her. I'm not though, for so many reasons, but mainly because I want to know just what she's talking about.
"I saw them on the table B, you dropped mine next to them."
"Yes but I….I kinda left them there on purpose." A sheepish grin crosses her face.
"You locked yourself out on purpose?" Now I'm confused. I sit up a little to move away and turn my body towards her to face her. "Why?"
She shrugs slightly and looks down before looking back up at me again. "It was the only way I could make sure that you wouldn't go running off this time. Usually you make up some excuse about it being late or needing to go check on something slaying related at the end of the night. I needed to make sure that wouldn't."
Okay. Now I'm really confused. What's so special about tonight? I shake my head not understanding why she would do that. "B, I don't understand. Why would you do that? I mean you could've just asked. You didn't have to trick me to get me up here. What gives?"
She sighs and only stares at me. I stare back at her trying to figure out just why she felt the need to come up with some elaborate scheme to get me in here. I'm so fucking confused right now and she isn't saying anything, she's still only just looking at me like she's trying to figure out something on her own. I'm about to ask her to explain herself when she finally starts talking.
"I kinda got the feeling that you're avoiding me, or at least being alone. I wanted to make sure that tonight you couldn't be all avoidy."
I shake my head again, still confused as hell. "What are you talking about B? We've been alone plenty. Hell we've been going out practically every day. I haven't been avoiding you."
Okay. So that's a lie. I really have been avoiding being alone with her. Even now I feel the urge to just get up and run the hell out of here because being so close to her is really getting to me. That feeling I feel only with her is so fucking intense right now. And it's not just a physical attraction. My heart feels like it's trying to break out of my chest because it feels so full.
What I feel is so much more than just wanting her, I need her. The more time we spend together, the more the feeling grows and it's consuming everything inside of me. This is why I've been avoiding being alone with her. It feels so much stronger than it did the first time around and look how that turned out.
"Yes, I know we've been together a lot, and with a whole lot of other people that aren't us. We're always together in public places, or with the gang and some of the other Slayers sometimes but then you always run off when there's a chance that it'll only be just us. It's like you don't want to be alone with me." Another sigh from her. "So I went out of my way to make sure tonight that you would be." I open my mouth to ask why again, but she doesn't give me a chance. "I….I wanted to be away from all the people, away from all the noise and distractions so you can hear all of the things I want to say to make you mine."
Wait. Say what now? I think my brain just checked out or something because there's no way in hell she just said what I think she did. Or maybe I'm just dreaming again. Yeah, that has to be it because right now I'm having one of those slow motion moments. You know the one where the girl of your dreams leans in real slow and puts her hand against your face while looking at you like you're the most important thing in the world to her and she loves the fuck out of ya. And then she licks her lips, then she kisses you.
Yeah. This has to be a dream because there's no way B's lips are on mine right now is real. But if it's a dream, it's a damn good one. Her lips are so soft against mine, and even with the simplest of contact with just her lips brushing against mine has every part of me is buzzing. It's as if my lips have a direct connection to every single part inside of me and it's radiating all over.
Her lips start moving over mine, but with more of a purpose now and I can't help myself when I press back against her. A small moan escapes from me when I finally remember to breathe and she answers with a moan of her own against my lips. And just like that, it feels like a dam just burst open and let loose an uncontrollable rush of desire. All thoughts of slow are thrown out the window when she parts her lips and I feel her tongue gently prodding against my mouth and I don't hesitate to let her in. The kiss is urgent now and hot as fuck as she moves to straddle me.
I grab onto her waist and pull her more fully against me and then wrap my arms around her back. Her hands are against my cheeks and she's fully in control now as she kisses me so deeply. The taste of her is driving me insane and I can't help but think that this is so much better than the first time I kissed her. Maybe it's because she's conscious and actually aware of what she's doing. And she's definitely doing it right.
She keeps doing this thing with her tongue that has me drowning in my desire for her. And when I say I'm drowning for her, I mean that shit literally because I can feel it between my legs because fuck I want her so bad. She slides her tongue inside of my mouth, then she rolls it around mine and then she slowly pulls back, making me chase after her. I moan each time she does it because it's driving me insane and I can't help but follow it back into her mouth, searching for more.
One of my hands is clutching at the back of her neck, holding her where she is, but it doesn't feel like she's going anywhere anytime soon. She never does in my dreams and it leaves me to do what I want with my hands and I want to touch her….everywhere. I release the hold on her neck and slide my hands down over her back and then down further to cup her ass. When I do, she pulls back slightly and I lick my lips and groan at the loss. She smiles against my lips and lays her forehead against mine.
"Guess it's time for me to wake up now. This is usually the part where I do with nothing but kissing happens." I sigh deeply, breathe out slowly and move my arms up to wrap around her waist and just hold her close.
"Mmmm, yeah. I don't normally get past the kissy part in mine either. I guess it's a good thing this isn't a dream." Then she's kissing me again. I moan when her tongue slips inside of my mouth, it's almost enough to make me miss the part where she says that this is not a dream. I pull back, and this time she's the one that groans. I open my eyes and regard her for a moment, waiting for her to disappear and for me to wake up alone in bed….and frustrated as hell. Only she doesn't. She's still looking down at me with lust and so much more in her eyes.
"Buffy?" I frown in confusion.
"Faith? Is something wrong?"
Great. Now she's confused. Because uh, yeah something is wrong. It's just too bad that it felt so damn right. I blink again and then look around before really taking stock of the situation. And what a fucking idiot I am because this is definitely not a dream. This is the type of insane shit this woman has me thinking. Because yeah, what a fucking moron Faith! I look back at her and then I bolt up like a bullet shot out of a gun. Really, it was so fast that I had to hold on to her to keep her from falling off the couch.
"Whoa," I release her when I know she's stable and move as quickly as I can from underneath her. She's now sitting on the couch on her knees and I'm as far from her as I'm allowed. She's panting slightly and her kiss swollen lips are begging me to take them again.
I know I can't though because I need to figure out just what the fuck is going on here. My heart is going a mile a minute and I'm panting just as much as she is. It would be funny, us both sitting here panting like dogs in heat but it's not because shit just got real. Like really real. Non-dreaming real.
I run a shaky hand over my face and then through my hair. "Shit B, what the hell are we doing?" I manage to say around the deep breaths I'm taking.
"It's called kissing Faith," she finally says and she looks so turned on right now I'm mentally kicking myself for stopping. This ain't right though. I need to know what the hell she's thinking and more importantly, why the hell she just did that.
"Yeah B, that part I got." I scoff at her answer. "But I didn't know that 'watch a movie or something', was code for 'let's make out'."
"Well then you should definitely get to work on my rom-com collection. Molly Ringwald's 80's era is a great start, but not the late 80's stuff, those weren't very good."
What? Why are we talking about movies again? "I'm serious B! What the hell is this?" I motion between us. "And more importantly, why are we doing it?"
She shrugs a little like it's really not a big deal. "Because it feels good."
Just like that huh? 'Because it feels good.' Hell yeah it did, but that ain't good enough.
"Don't matter how it feels Buffy, we shouldn't be doing it."
"We really should, because it definitely felt right to me." Her voice is low and husky and drips with lust. Her eyes move to my lips before she brings them back up to look at me. "And I'd like to keep feeling it, so tell me why we shouldn't."
My mouth opens and then I shut it immediately. I know how I want to answer that, but that'd be opening a whole can of worms I'm not ready to get into with her. I guess she sees my silence as me not having an explanation because she leans back in to kiss me again. My eyes widen and I panic slightly at what she's about to do. I squeeze her arms tighter and stop her from closing the distance.
I frown, frustrated with the situation now and not understanding where all of this is coming from all of a sudden. She's completely floored me and I don't know how to take this. I mean I had a feeling when this night began that there was just something different about it, but never in a million years would I have expected something like this to happen. My heart isn't prepared for this. I'm not prepared for this. Just what the hellis this anyway? What the hell does she want from me?
She pulls one of her arms out of my grip and I realize that I've been staring at some imaginary spot behind her when I drag my eyes back to her face. Her eyes are dark now, and her gaze is filled with worry, but there's something else there that I can't quite place. She places her hand against my cheek and her hand is warm and soft against my face. The feeling that I get with her feels stronger than it ever has before and it makes me close my eyes to bask in the feel of her.
She must've thought that was an invitation or something because next thing I know, her lips are on mine again. I want to kiss her back, I really do, but I can't. Not until I know what's up. I pull back from her and bring my hand up to remove hers from against my face. I open my eyes to look at her and find her staring back. She looks almost hurt by this and it breaks my heart. But I know I can't let that stop me from getting the answers I need to know. And besides the why, one thing I really want to know is….
"What the hell is going on B? Since when are you into kissing girls? Last time I checked, you were all with the guy loving, where the hell did this come from? We're just friends for fucks sake, and aren't you straight or something?" Even though I asked, I'm not sure I want to know the answer. If she says she's done this before, kissed another woman, I think I may lose my mind even more. Hypocritical, I know. But it is what it is. I don't think I could handle her making out, or doing other shit with another woman.
"I'm not into kissing other girls Faith, I'm into kissing you." I release the breath I was holding waiting for her answer and my heart speeds up a little. And yeah, I'm happy as fuck to hear her say that. She seemed to have noticed this as well because she puts on that cute as hell half smile of hers and quirks a brow at me like she knows what I'm thinking.
"And yeah about me being straight?" She rambles off. "Well….surprise!" She says it in a fake chipper tone that would be cute if this sitch wasn't so fucked up right now. "I guess not so much anymore. It seems I'm straight with a few bends and twists along the way where you're concerned." I blink hard at that and try to get my thoughts together. It's kinda hard to do right now seeing as my brain just exploded.
She sighs at that and takes a few more deep breaths before she sags back onto the couch. She's quiet for a long moment and the only sound in the room is that of us still trying to catch our breaths. With a few more deep breaths I can see she's a bit calmer than she was minutes ago. I'm glad one of us is because right now I don't think I can catch my breath and my heart feels like it's trying to break free out of my chest. I really need some answers here.
"And yeah Faith, we are friends." She sighs and rubs at her brow. "But do you go around kissing all of the people you consider yourself to be friends with?"
"You kissed me!" I yell becoming indignant with her for asking that. "And none of the people I'm friends with go around sticking their tongue down my damn throat!"
"I certainly hope not or Kennedy and I will have some problems." She smiles when she says this. "But if I remember correctly, you kissed me first." She adds, and the grin she's sporting turns into a sly grin. Fuck me, she was awake for that!
"Fuck, you were awake?" I ask but already knowing the answer. It's obvious that she was or she wouldn't have said that shit. Fuck my life.
"Yes, I was awake. I had been for a while, but didn't want to wake you just yet. You looked so beautiful and content that I just wanted to be with you like that for a while."
"B," I groan and put my face in my hands and throw myself back against the couch. "You should've said something." I mumble.
"Why? So you could throw up your walls like you're doing now?" She scolds and then I feel her move closer to me and grab my wrist to pull my hands down. "I saw how freaked out you were and I didn't want you pulling away, so I pretended I didn't I know what happened. Right now though, there's no pretending. I kissed you because I've wanted to for so long….and you kissed me back," she smiles and takes my hands in hers and rests them in my lap. "I don't think you would have if you didn't want to."
I only stare at her blankly, refusing to admit the truth and tell her she's right. I did want to kiss her, hell I still want to, but that's beside the point. The point is that I've fought against doing something stupid like kissing her for so long. I've fought with how I feel about her even longer and now I've gotten myself in a place where I'm finally content and at ease with knowing that me and her will never be anything more.
Now she's gone and fucked that all up by doing something stupid like kissing me. In one night she's managed to undo years of self-preservation that I've done to keep my heart from being torn to shreds by her. I shake my head feeling angry with her for doing this, but even more at myself for allowing it.
"Faith, I need to ask you something but you have to promise you won't get mad okay?"
I scoff. "No way B, not promising shit, because normally when someone starts a conversation off like that they already know it's something the other person is probably gonna get pissed off about. So just ask already." I grind out because really, I'm already pissed at her and no rationalization on her part is going to change that.
"Fine," she huffs and pulls her hands out of mine and I can't help but be disappointed that she did. It's stupid. I know. Not to mention so damn contradictory. But no matter how hard I'm fighting against….whatever this is she's trying to pull, not to mention my own feelings for her, I love being close to her. I love having her touch me. Ah fuck it, I love this damn girl.
She's staring at me now and she pulls her bottom little between her teeth a little. Okay. Now I have this feeling that whatever she's about me ask me I'm definitely not gonna love. But fuck. I'm looking at her lips now and watching her do that makes me wanna say to hell with it all and just kiss her again.
"So um, when….when was the last time you uh, you've been with anyone?"
My eyes shoot up to her face when she asks that. And I know the confusion is written all over my face. I mean I think I know what she's asking. But seriously. Is she really asking me that? I don't wanna look like more of an idiot she really isn't asking what I think she is. Damnit.
"What?" Smooth, I know. But I need to be sure because sometimes this woman can be so damn confusing and she's often in a world of her own, and I don't know what the hell she's talking about most of the time.
"You heard me." She frowns slightly.
"Yeah I heard you B. But just what the hell are ya asking?" She rolls her eyes, and now I can see a blush creeping up over her face.
"When's the last time, you've….you know, slept with anyone?"
Yeah. What I thought. And is she for real? That's really what she wanted to ask me. I look at her like she's lost her damn mind and briefly wonder what kind of show my dimples are putting on for her now.
"You're really asking me that?"
"Really really," she nods.
I shake my head. She seriously just asked me that. If I wasn't so pissed off at the answer to that I'd find it kinda funny that she actually has the balls to ask that. But the fact that I haven't gotten laid in almost two month and it's all her damn fault….well, let's just say it pisses me off to no end.
"What the fuck does it matter?" I finally shoot back.
She slowly moves her hand to lay over mine. "It matters because I wanna know, that's why." Her tone is soft and I know she's making an attempt to calm me, but I'm anything but calm right now.
"That's none of your goddamn business B." I push her hand off me and stand up shakily. Steading myself, I look down at her. "You don't have the right to ask that." She doesn't seem to care about my answer though.
"I'm going to guess and say it's been a while, probably since that night I showed up at your place and you were with….her." She's looking up at me with her arms folded across her chest and she looks pissed again, as if she has the right to be the one that's mad right now. How messed up is that?
"Did you not just hear me say that it's none of your business?"
"Oh I heard you, and your refusal to answer tells me I'm right."
"You don't know shit B," I counter, getting more pissed by the second. Who the hell does she think she is questioning me about my sex life, or the lack of?
"Maybe….maybe not," she states cryptically. "But I do know that you've been kinda grumpy lately. I couldn't quite put my finger on why and I thought maybe it was something I'd done to piss you off until Kennedy made a joke last week about you really needed to get laid after you snapped at one of the girls on patrol for apparently no reason."
"Are you fucking kidding me? Why are you and Kennedy discussing my sex life?" Okay, this is so fucked up on a whole different level that you can't even call it fucked up anymore. "And it wasn't for no reason! The kid took a bad shot B, almost shot me with an arrow!" I'm pacing now because I'm so mad, which is a feat giving the space provided.
"No Faith, Kennedy said it was a good shot, you just stepped in the way when you were supposed to be observing."
"This is bullshit…and you still haven't told me why who I'm fucking, or to hear you and Kennedy tell it, who I'm not fucking, is any of your business."
She stands up and walks the short distance to stand in front of me. I want to step away from her because she still smells so damn good and all I can think about now is that kiss she laid on me and wanting to do it again, but I refuse to back down. Still mad remember?
"Most nights we go our separate ways early enough for you to go out and pick up whoever you want, but you haven't and I think we both know why."
I throw my hands up and laugh. But honestly, I don't find shit funny about this conversation we're having. Matter of fact, how the hell did we end up having this fucked up conversation in the first place? And oh boy do I want to hear her theory on this. Only not really because yes, I already know why. But seriously? She knows too? Shit.
"Of course you do B. You seem to have all the answers all of the sudden. But why don't you enlighten me on why I'm not out fucking around. Please tell me what the hell my problem is." Yeah, play it cool.
She takes a deep breath, slowly walks towards me and puts a hand against my cheek. It feels like fire is blazing inside of me and I want to move away from her, but I can't. The heat feels to good and the way her eyes are staring into mine pins me to where I am.
"You don't have a problem Faith." It's almost a whisper. "You've devoted yourself to me…and you're falling in love."
Holy fucking hell. Did she really just say that? My eyes widen and I bring my arms up quickly to grab her wrist and move her hands away from me. My hands are squeezing her wrist so tight that I can feel my hands shaking. If she wasn't a slayer I'd think I was hurting her right now. The fact that she doesn't even flinch and only stands here still staring at me lets me know she's okay. But I'm far from worried about how she's feeling right now because holy fucking hell. Did she really just say that?
"This is what you come up with because I'm not out fucking someone's brains out when I leave you?" I yell and finally release my hold on her. "Are you out of your mind?"
"Maybe, but not about this. Think about it Faith….for almost a month we've spent nearly every day together. It's just been you and me, no one else. No one night stands, no boyfriends to pass the time with. Just us Faith….being together and nothing else. Things have been good. Better than good in fact…and tonight, you had a good time right?"
I narrow my eyes at her wondering just what the hell she's on about now. Yeah we've been hanging out more than usual and I questioned it, but I just went with it because I like being with her. I refuse to answer this question though because I feel it's some kind of trap. In fact I know it's some kind of trap, she wouldn't have asked it if it wasn't.
"You don't have to answer me because I know you did. You like being with me and I like that you like it because I love being with you. In fact I'd like to keep doing it."
"Doing what?" I find myself asking because now I'm really really fucking confused now.
"Dating." She simply says with no hint of teasing.
My expression must be really fucking comical right now because she's smiling and looks like she's on the verge of laughing. But seriously I don't find the funny in what she just said because really…. .fuck. In fact I can't even find words to say to that and my mouth is just opening and closing as my brain tries to unscramble itself.
"It's not official or anything," Gee B, ya think? "But if you really look at it for what it is, that's what we've been doing Faith. And if it looks like a date and acts like a date, well then I say we're dating." She has that pure, beautiful 'Buffy' smile on her face right now and it's probably the only thing keeping me from losing my goddamn mind right now and going right the fuck off on her.
"So that's what you've been doing this whole time? You trick me into spending all this time with you and for what? To disprove my no dating rule?" I shake my head angrily at her. "You're so full of yourself and so used to people not telling you no, and having your way that you have to pull some crazy shit like this?"
"Hey that's not true," she looks all indignant at what I just said, "I tried to borrow this really cute top from Dawn last week and she said no!"
Is she serious? Of course she is and if I wasn't so pissed off at her right now I'd actually find that funny. But I don't because I'm on a head trip right now.
"What do you think this is B? Is this like some kind of game for you? What kind of mind fuck are you trying to pull here?"
"Trust me when I say it's not your mind I'm trying to do that with."
Whoa. Jesus Christ, did she have to go and say that? Not only is she talking crazy about dating me, did she have to go and imply that she wants to fuck me too? Because that's given me all kindsa wicked images of me being inside of her and fuck I'm throbbing for her even though I'm so mad I can't see straight. But seeing and feeling are two different things, and I'm on feelings overload right now.
"Buffy I can't….," I pause before I can finish what I'm gonna say and shake my head before putting my hands over my face.
'I can't believe you're saying all of this now.'
'I can't do this.'
'I can't not love you.'
This is too much. Insane is what it is. And I'm so deflated and drained right now because all of this is just too damn much to process. Fuck. I feel like I want to bawl my eyes out and that's definitely not a good look on me. I need to reign in the emotions before I become one of those sappy characters on those movies she likes to watch. I sigh and move my hand only to see her walking towards me again, but this time I put my hands out to stop her and take a step back because I really don't want to deal with this right now. I can'tdeal with this right now. I shake my head again.
Fuck this. I'm outta here.