This wasn’t going to be easy. Nope, not at all. It’d probably be awfully tricky and scary – but hopefully not spooky.
Oh hamburgers! He just wasn’t meant for this sort of anxiety-inducing revelation! He’d rather this just be another fun football game with the fellas. But instead he was stuck planning how to tell them all about
This had never gone well. The last time he’d tried Lady Gaga had come to town and the entire affair had almost ended with half the AV club burned at the stake. Before that he’d tried it on a camping trip and their latest jaunt to the comic book store. But not a single journey had been fruitful.
Take his last attempt for example. They’d been cooped up in Kyle’s bedroom doing nothing when he’d broached the subject.
He’d been very nervous at the time, too. “Uh, say guys,” Butters said, rubbing his hands together.
“Look, can this wait?” Stan asked.
“Yeah, Butters,” Kyle said. “I’m sure whatever you have to say is cool, but we’ve got a bigger problem to deal with now.”
“But, geesh, fellas – I’m trying to tell you something really important!”
Kyle and Stan stared at Butters, as if unable to comprehend the notion of him having an important thought or notion. “Look, we can do this later. Right now there are aliens trying to eat through Cartman’s pee hole…”
“IT REALLY BURNS YOU GUYS,” Eric shouted from the sanctity of the nearby bathroom.
And – predictably but to Butters’ disappointment – things had promptly devolved from there. He’d been abducted by aliens and turned into Tommy Wiseau before they’d all learned the true meaning of making genuinely crappy movies for fun instead of profit. He wound up in the happy sanctity of his basement punishment chamber with no supper - just like any regular old Saturday night.
Each incident just served to make Butters more determined to reveal his true nature. It had all boiled to a head, and by golly, by gosh, this time he’d come out with it this afternoon, for once and all!
Butter’s logic wasn’t perfect, but it was firm. The right time to tell them, he decided, would be during the gang’s next touch football game. Just after a huddle, of course – preferably after Cartman had finished his usual inspirational speech about ‘winning one for Mel Gibson’. The game was down to the wire and Butters – who had been picked last for Kyle’s team – would be kicking for points on the return. He waited for Kyle to snap the ball to him before starting.
“Fellas,” Butters said, holding the ball close to his chest, “I’ve got something important to say.”
“NOT NOW BUTTERS!” gritted out Kyle, as he tried to neutralize Token’s forward rush.
“But…oh gee fellas…AHH!” He started running when Craig, Tweek and Pip all charged toward him. He’d made it all the way to the goal when anger suddenly boiled up in him and stilled his feet. “No!” Butters said, turning around, pressing his heels into the dirt.
“BUTTERS RUN THROUGH THE GOALPOST YOU GAYWAD!” shouted Cartman, his face stuck in Kenny’s armpit.
“Now fellas, let me speak my piece! There’s been an awful lot going on in my brain and I wanna get it all out while I have the chance! I’ve been trying to figure out for a really long time if I’m just bicurious or REALLY bi, and I’m happy to say I’m coming on out of the closet. I’m here, I’m queer, and by golly, you should get used to it!” He then spiked the ball under the goal, winning a point for his team.
Tweek and Token groaned and backed away from the post. A long pause followed. Then Cartman’s voice rent the air. “Yeah, cool, whatever.”
Butters blinked. “Golly, I thought you guys were gonna make a huge fuss about it!”
Stan spoke up, “Whatever, Butters, that’s super sweet. Can you go kick for a point now?”
Butters blinked in quiet surprise at the abruptness of the question. “Sure, guys,” he said, scratching his ear as he headed to the pitch. While the other boys set it up, he continued, “y’know what? I learned something today…it doesn’t matter if you’re gay or if you’re bi-curious or REALLY bi: all that really matters is the friends you have by your side, through better or worse and always.”
“JUST KICK THE BALL, GAYLORD!” Cartman shrieked.
Butters did just that.
…The ball didn’t tumble through the goalposts, but he kicked it all the same.