Chapter 1: A Meeting of Friends
"Dave! Bro, buddy, pal, friend, comrade, soul sista!" John exclaimed climbing a rocky outcrop with grace only an elephant in roller skates could muster. "Is it really you? The Starsky to my Hutch? The Silent Bob to my Jay? The Piccolo to my Goku? The little tea cup guy in Beauty and the Beast to my sentient tea kettle?!" The bespectacled boy paused and thought that last one over. He quickly fumbled for a recovery line just as he fumbled for a foothold in order to climb up to Dave's position in the Land of Wind and Shade. "I uh...ironically of course. Disney movies are for babies."
Although John wasn't aware of Dave's shiver at the mention of Disney movies, he could tell right off the bat that something was wrong. His friend wasn't his usual self. Strider had let soul sista by without so much as a snarky sigh. Normally an oversight like this would have been a great personal victory for John, but knowing that his best friend had become some nigh omnipotent time traveler, a burdened mind meant something more than just a bad day. Did he see something bad that was about to happen? Did he just witness the end? Did he find out Santa was a bald faced lie via his time wizardry?! Needless to say, John's head began to spin and he nearly forgot the big news he was planning on divulging.
"Hey chum!" John said eventually pulling himself up. "Gosh, you were really up here, huh? You coulda slid down you know! I think my thumb is bleeding." He laughed and went to put a hand on Dave's shoulder, but as he did, Dave fell over like a cardboard cutout...because he was a cardboard cutout. As Egbert reeled in shock, a pale hand grabbed him on his own shoulder and the Heir of Breath screeched like a school girl with a snake in her boot. Typical Strider voodoo ninja bullshit at its finest.
"That's freaky time shit for you. And then you said oh wow."
"Oh wow---" John cut himself off and laughed. "Gosh, it's almost like you're psychic now! I think all my breath powers have given me is like...super minty breath. Go on, smell."
Dave walked right into the old garlic breath trap and gagged. "Nah, that wasn't hokey psychic bullshit, that was straight up knowing how Egberts are. Your default answer to about everything is either oh wow or golly. Shit, it's like an Opie Taylor soundboard." He knew all about Opie Taylor soundboards. He made them popular and then instantly blogged about the downfall of such a hardcore interest. Ironically of course.
The Heir thought this over and realized his friend was right. Still, the news he had to share overshadowed his strong moral upbringing and lack of exclamatory phrases. "Ok man, you're in one piece, that's cool. You're smarmy, that's cool. You're cool, that's cool...but get this! Do you know what I've been doing alone in a lab recently?"
The Knight of Time adjusted his shades and raised an eyebrow with a smoothness unparallelled by man or talking dog. "I dunno man, I thought you were just exclusively pumpin' iron with your right arm lately, no need to ruin the illusion."
John took a moment to analyze the innuendo and readied a laugh, but the stern image of his father's giant nose in his mind caused a great shame to overcome him. He simply hung his head and kicked at the dirt with his shoe. "No, I was just gonna say that I'm everyone's dad, even my own! See I used ectobiology to create us all in tubes! Kinda funny how I never really met any of your guys in real life before, it turns out, we were even born together! Like a giant slimy mess of paradox sibs! Me and Jade are practically brother and sister, and you and Rose are too! Isn't that WILD?!"
Acting as the greatest of foils, Dave simply looked back at John without any sort of energy. "Hmph, so, then that explains why I got beat..." He snapped his fingers and a Croc who he had hidden behind a rock began to throw cherry blossoms into the air like a bullshit Japanese anime. "Only one of the Strider clan could ever hope to defeat me..."
"If anime has taught me anything, the cherry blossoms-or sakuras- are symbolic of your longing. What's the matter, bro?" John said stepping closer to his ailing compadre. "I mean this is a bit over the top even for you. This is like 10th degree irony, did I freak you out or something? I know it’s kinda crazy, but it’s true!”
Dave turned to John and shook his head. “That’s actually p cool, ngl, but it’s just making me put two and two together.” He looked off into the distance and his consort threw more cherry blossoms while nakking sluttily. “John, listen man, I gotta get something off my chest before I rush off and get all sultry and personal with my destiny, alright? This might be a while on account of all the emotions and you probably crying at one point.”
“Hey if you’ve got something on your mind, I’m here for you, Dave.” John said nodding warmly. “But there’s still tons of adventuring and fighting to do! Are you sure this won’t set us back at all? Jade isn’t even in the Medium yet!”
“Jade gets in, you get stabbed in the chest, you get a gay hoodie, you get stabbed in the chest again, and your grandma makes you lasagna for dinner. Spoiler.” Dave said as if he was reading off a grocery list. “To add to the mystery, those are mostly out of order. Now, since all that shit is predetermined, do you wanna help me sort this shit out or do you want me to spoil the part about you getting some fruity rainbow hammer too?”
John frowned and took a seat on a rock. “I was just kidding…you didn’t have to go and spoil anything. I bet the hoddie isn’t even that gay…” He muttered to himself for a spell and shook his head in confusion. “Just let me ask one thing before you begin, ok? What do you mean by getting defeated and chasing after your destiny and all that? Oh and serious, crocodiles? Those are some sweet consorts!”
“See man, now is the time. I’ve put two and two together thanks to this game, so I can settle an old score. And to answer that last part, hell yeah, these nakkers are fresh. Just don’t fall asleep around them. Hungry little fucks.” Dave took a seat next to John and began.
“It was like…eleven years ago or something….”
Chapter 2: Triumph of the Turkey Legged Newborn
See John, believe it or not, I was once some pants shitting little rugrat with a badass ‘tude and baby cowboy boots. They were kind of the fuckin coolest pieces of footwear a little kid shit could ever ask for. They also came with a badge I had on me at all times…mostly because I was so certain that I was a hoss that I hot glued it too my chest and it wouldn’t come off…but still. The damn thing meant I was the cock of the walk and if you came into my roost thinking you were gonna get respect, you had another thing coming.
It was about noon I think cause that’s when Bro would pop in Diehard into the VHS thing when he went to sew up his long nosed smuppets. I was doin my usual thing where I duct tabbed one of our shitty swords to my back and started laughin at this puppet of John Travolta Bro made me for my birthday and I was gonna untape the sword from my back and shoot his ass with it (cause dumbass little kids play pretend and aren’t smart enough to know that swords aren’t Bruce Willis pistols), but then since I was like a fuckin toddler, I fell over on account of my giant fucking baby head and because the sword was like a fourth of my body mass and twice as tall.
I remember tryin to eat this Cheeto that was caught up in the carpet but Bro slapped it outta my hand and ate it because little shit factories didn’t need to be eating that kind of stuff. Plus he called dibs and since I couldn’t really say it yet, bro code was working against me. I didn’t throw fits, but this time I was pissed so I waddled up over to him and ironically hugged his leg because it’s the affectionate shit that hurts the most and he threw a bunch of flaming hot Cheetos at me to get me to back off. Joke was on him cause bam, I got to drool on his fuckin leg AND eat his spicy chips.
Just as I thought everything was going great, there was a knock on our apartment door and I hid under the table. I wasn’t afraid like some kinda autistic fuck up, nah, not at all. I was a poised ninja ready to pounce on the bastard stupid enough to walk into my turf without a bounty of Cheetos or Thomas the Tank Engine tracks. I was tryin to make a choo-choo track that went around the whole apartment see, and I needed whatever I could get to complete it.
As I looked out I saw Bro talking to this lady with lips like giant horizontal asscheeks and pulling out some kinda journal. He never let me see it (one because reading books is for nerds), but I think I remember him writin on it sometimes when he’d just watch me. It was probably some kinda ironic mindfuck, but I ignored it.
The lady walks in and she smells like flowers and hooch and had on some kinda backpack. I was wrong though. It wasn’t a backpack at all. It was one of those baby carrying bags only there was some droolin ape demon monster on her back instead of a baby. I’m all trying to brotest this shit, but she just smiles at me and take the damn thing out of the bag and lets it loose all over my floor and I’m not about to have any of that shit. I waddle my little ass over there in my boots with my badge on to take a look and the thing looked back at me.
Turkey Leg was her name, and droolin on shit was her game. She had a gaudy headband that she probably stole from some other baby she ate and she had on some dirty t-shirt stained with food that said I Love My Mommy and a diaper. The second I go over to her, she crawls up near me and takes my hand and bites it. This just so happened to be such a shock that water shot out of my little shades and I let out a sound that was kinda like a cry, but big kids don’t cry, so obviously I wasn’t fucking crying. She then starts bawling and her mom stops talking to Bro and consoles her and then leaves.
The little shit then stood up to reveal her deadly weapons that were growing out of her diaper. She had these chunky fucking turkey legs. I mean fuck. It was like a Frankenstein baby made of half disgusting demon fetus and half uncooked giant leg of lamb turkey leg Thanksgiving dinner with baby feet on the end of them.
Naturally I go over there and show her my badge cause I was kind of the boss of this place, and she starts chewing on it like she just can’t stop fucking consuming flesh. Then I push her back and she stumbles and lands in the middle of my Thomas tracks and starts pickin up my fucking trains and putting them in her mouth and munchin on them. This bitch had gone too far I thought, those cheeky engines were for my mouth and my mouth only. I go over there and she starts pulling on my hair so I start pulling on her hair and her mom is just observing this, then she realizes I’m about to open up a can of whoop ass and start eating her headband or something, so she pops in this movie she brought with her.
I sat my ass down once the glowing god box started up and sure enough something cool was on. It was this movie about these talking lions and them just fucking hanging out. It was sweet. I knew any second they’d go off and kill that fucking monkey that stole the lion guy’s baby and held him over that cliff...but the joy wouldn’t last long.
See this was one of them singing Disney movies and even at a young age I could bust a fucking move so as I get up to do my baby flail to the sick jams blaring from out TV, and the little turkey leg baby is doing some retarded baby flail and is getting all uppity about it. She toddles over to me once the warthog guy and the little rat fucker are singing that Hawaiian song or whatever and she points to the TV and says “NO” and starts dancing. So then I dance and she’s like “NO NO NO NO NO NO” and I’m like “MINE.” And point to the TV because fuck, the TV is mine dammit. And then, as we’re about to square off, she takes her chunky little hopper and fucking drops my ass with a SINGLE FUCKING TURKEY LEG KICK and I go down and she then toddles on top of me and she’s droolin and it’s running down my face from above and she just does this dum little baby “AHEHEHEHE” giggle and starts dancing over me. Her mom gets up after Bro just shakes his head and shakes her head at her, then the little demon waddled over, bent down, and left some slobbery face suck thing on my cheek and said “SOWRY” but then giggled and kept dancing to the music as I laid there knowin my fuckin honor had just been cut down by a fucking ham hock.
She fuckin killed my honor, John. She knocked me down. She showed me up in front of all my toys. She watched her shitty movie on my TV….she drooled on me….she mocked me….. but now….but now I can reclaim my honor. See, since time isn’t a deal for me, I’ve just been taking my time and exploring.
I came across a certain someone’s house see. In that house I found a locked up box. A memory chest. Nah, more like a conquest chest. First thing I see after some “first haircut” locks and old bottles? The Lion King VHS….and underneath that? My Thomas the Tank Engine that went missing the very day I lost my honor.
So see John, me and Rose got a score to settle. And it ends now.
Chapter 3: Pants Shitting Cowboy Boots versus Turkey Legged Newborn: Final Strife
After Dave lays everything on the table, he heads off to destroy the fiend that forever shaped his life and took his honor. The final battle is resolved. And then...A SHOCKING TWEEST!
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
John stifled back laughter for some time. He had always been really bad about his giggle fits, but the thought of his super cool best buddy in tiny cowboy boots moved his Laugh-o-Meter from his usual continuous chuckle to full on snorting laughter. Strider remained as collected as ever and didn't move a muscle. This did little to deter John from laughing until the Land's End husky boxer-briefs his father had handpicked for him became more like a soggy dish towel than underwear.
"Hey wait a second, so does this mean you're going to try and get back at her?" The friendleader said wiping a tear from his eye in an attempt to regain his composure. "I mean c'mon, I see how you're upset, but is this really the time for you to be settling a score? What if you guys get hurt or the bad guys come and capture you!"
Dave shook his head and held out his hand. "Man I hate it when you do this. Just pass me your PDA alright. I'll hit up turkey legs and apologize for even thinkin this stuff, alright? I'd use my iShades but I'm downloading like seven gigs of alien bucket porn."
"Hey, hey, hey! That's not very culturally sensitive! They're going to think we're all smut toting...smutersons or something!" John said waving his hands. "How would you feel if a stranger sent you porn? Pretty bad I'd bet!"
"Nah. I'm kinda indifferent on porn. If you've seen a puppet do it, it's like five shades more ok if it's people doing the same thing. Plus it's for stable time loop shit. You wouldn't understand. This seven hour slideshow of pails is like...neccessary to the fragile fabric of time and without it we'll all go to the phantom zone or something and die forever." The Knight stuck his hand out again and motioned for the PDA. His friend until the end reluctantly forked it over and took a deep breath. Being leader was hard. It was hard and no one really understood.
John tried to lean in so that he could perhaps lend a hand in mediation, but Dave simply held him back with one arm. "Hey, come on man, hurry up and give me that back, I could be missing some important messages! And be sure to sign out of my Pesterchum account!"
EB: hey hey hey
TT: Is there something I can help you with, John?
EB: are you at your house
TT: No, I just informed you that I was making a minor exploration campaign for the time being.
EB: you should go back to your house
TT: And why is that, John?
EB: because ive got a fever and the only prescription is making out with you dressed as a cat
TT: Pardon me?!
EB: i mean like
EB: i think im goin insane i need a therapy session
EB: im insane
EB: got no brain etc
TT: That would explain the sudden degredation in your syntax and your peculiar behavior...
TT: Alright then, I will meet you there. Do not waste any time.
EB: get it
TT: Oh my, the damage is severe...
After a sporadic fit of wrestling, John smacked the PDA from Dave's hands and watched as it tumbled down the rocky cliff beneath them. "Ah well, I've got my glasses still. At least you two were able to kinda get that out of the way, huh?" He said smiling his usual smile. It immediately lost form and melted into an oblong circle. "Wh-where are you going?"
"Got shit to do man. Lots of shit. Just play with your lizards or something. It's adult time."
AND THEN HE LEFT.
Rose arranged the pillows on her couch for maximum comfort. If her patient was relaxed, then the process of digging through his gray matter would be easy and progress could be made sooner. It was truly sad when a friend started going crazy, but the Seer was also thankful things like this tended to happen, especially in stressful situations involving the end of the world. She set up her large armchair and opened a Squiddles flipbook and turned to a fresh page. She wrote down John's information and took a deep breath. She hadn't done a face-to-face session since her cat had died and she was already feeling rusty.
"Relax Rose, you've impaled abominations with fancy knitting needles, you can surely delivery a decent therapy session." She took another breath and waited in silence. She thought back on John's messages and then shook her head. She removed the cat headband she had put on with disgust. "Clearly he only said the cat comment because he was insane!" With a heavy sigh she looked towards her coffee table and gazed vacantly at it. Photo album, coffee mugs, magazines. Nothing special. She yawned and found herself slowly falling asleep. A small gust of wind disturbed her seconds later and she looked around. Must have been a draft. She was fine, there were no murmurs of imps in the distance, and everything was in order. Couch, chair, table, mugs, magazines...no, something was indeed missing.
"July ninth." Dave began. "Rosie and I at the beach. My little lobster of love." He slowly walked to the coffee table and threw the album down. He planted his finger on a picture Rose had taken with her mother on one of their summer trips the year before. They were wearing identical bathing suits and posing near a large turtle on a beach. Rose was beat red and the displeasure was apparent on her face.
With a gasp Rose stumbled out of her chair and went after the album. Dave pulled it away with ease and she was sent skidding across the table. Without a word, he pulled out a raw turkey leg from his inventory and held it next to the picture of Rose. He nodded slowly and held it up next to Rose's face and frowned.
"Shoulda hit the treadmill or something turkey leg, cause this is proof."
"Proof of what?" Rose said scrambling to her feet. "What does a malformed Thanksgiving food item prove? Furthermore, where is John?"
"John's not comin." Dave said in a low voice. "Nah, he's not here for kitten mitten make outs or therapy or anything. I'm here though. Here for revenge."
Tension was high in the air. Rose's heart had begun to race violently and she slowly pulled her wands up in defense. "Revenge?" She said firmly. "I don't know what you're talking about."
"I've come for Thomas the motherfucking Tank Engine." Dave said showing more emotion in those eight words than he had ever shown in his lifetime. He watched Rose who had suddenly put on a smug grin.
"So you've come for your pride, have you, Strider?" She said knowingly. "I knew it was a matter of time. Every single day of my life I remembered that day as vividly as ever. I knew not who you were at the time, nor did I care. Then, some years later, I met you once again. You were ignorant for so long. Ignorant that I, was not only your very genetic doppelganger, but also the keeper of your pride!"
Dave knocked over a reclining chair and drew his blade. "Nay for I knew all along it was ye who stole my beloved friend, confidant, and guide from me, Rose! Ever since your first foray with posting pics on your Livejournal, I recognized your fat lips and too far apart eyes as the fat lips and too far apart eyes of the one who blindsided me!"
Rose took a moment to look in a mirror and frowned. Her eyes were too far apart.
"I don't care if this game makes a new universe or not, we're throwing down. Winner gets the train and the pride. The loser..."
"Do not worry yourself with explaining what the loser receives, Strider! I do not intend to lose!" Rose quickly fired several blasts from her wands which Dave dodged easily. With blinding speed he appeared behind Rose who simply stuck her fist out. She was using her Seer abilities alright. Taking this brief moment in time to capitalize on her brother's stagger, she charged a mighty shot...and found herself on the receiving end of her own attack. The Knight's timetables quickly vanished and he smirked. They were evenly matched, and at this rate, the two would do more damage to the planet than to each other.
"I have a proposition." Rose said floating to the opposite end of the room. "We settle as we did on that fateful day."
"Figured as much." Dave replied. He kicked off his shoes and walked upstairs. Rose went into her mother's room and both came out in proper combat attire.
Rose had her hair in a single ponytail on the top of her head secured by a Squiddles Jr. Twist-tie along with a pair of striped overalls that stopped just above the knee. Dave was in a cowboy hat with a shrunken youth sized Ninja Turtles T-shirt with Oshkosh overalls that stopped at the same spot above the knee with plastic cowboy boots on.
"I'm going to kick your ass, Rose. Freaky giant turkey legs or not." Dave said popping a sick motherfucking binkie into his mouth like a cigar.
"These mutant appendages did you in once, they will do you in once again." Rose said swinging boo-boo keys around her finger like a revolver. The two ran at each other and began to violently slap and kick at each other. They found themselves on the coffee table and just as Rose went to yank the string back on Dave's silly hat, he threw her by her overall strap into the table, breaking it. She managed to pull her self up and in doing so, she removed one of his cowboy boots and began to bash him with it.
Dave was now on the ground absorbing blow after blow. Damned to lose twice to the same person, he took Rose's boo-boo keys and snapped them. Rose stood horrified as those were her companion from birth to age six. Tears streamed down her face, but they quickly evaporated as fury filled her veins.
"You have dug your own grave. And when I'm done, I'll feed that stupid train of yours to an imp, and then blow them both to smithereens!" She clenched her fist and slowly brought her leg back. Dave smiled to himself. Just what he was waiting for. He pulled his head back and began to laugh.
"Yes, yes, yuck it up. Laugh in the face of defeat."
"Nah. See you forgot something Rose. You may have newborn disgusting ungodly turkey legs, but I've got some wicked giant newborn ungodly watermelon head!"
Then. Turkey met melon.
Head met leg.
Light met Time.
The resulting explosion rocked the Incipisphere.
And then there was silence. Both combatants lay unmoving on opposite ends of what was left of Rose's home. Dave's shades we in two pieces somewhere near the kitchen and were going insane with messages.
EB: dave i kind of really need you!
EB: no seriously! there's some giant fucking dog with a knife!
EB: i need some help! i think he's chasing me!
EB: dave i'm hiding i need you to get me out of here!
EB: aw shit he's stabbing me!
EB: bro this kind of burns!
EB: ok man i kind of got killed by that dog.
EB: i'm on prospit though!
EB: seriously answer your fucking glasses this is kind of bad!
EB: dave dave dave dave dave.
EB: oh fucking liv tyler split open like a thanksgiving turkey he's here too.
EB: dave i'm not jokig54whyt
This would lead the remaining three players to cause the Scratch for the fifth time.
This would then lead to the moment in time just before the sixth Scratch.
Seventh time is the charm right.
oh shit it was a prequel!!!!!
Yep. Not only is this a Scratch predating the current comic, it's also like the fifth time they've had to restart the game. Whoooooops