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Trapped in the Strange World of Fanfiction with Adam Lambert

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After Adam and Tommy’s first foray into fanfiction (about themselves of course), Adam found himself unable to stop. Yes, much of it made him very uncomfortable and was very inaccurate, but it was addicting. Call him narcissistic, but it was fun to read stories where he was the main character.

Especially all of the crazy, insane, adorable and creative fantasy stories. I mean where else could he read about himself being the prince of a legion of fairies? With Tommy as his slave?

Unfortunately, this small addiction may have backfired a little one day…



Adam was just walking down the street, minding his own business, doing some shopping, when things…got a little weird. Well, for one, it suddenly became night time at 3:30 in the afternoon. For another, Tommy was poised next to a light pole in a neon colored miniskirt, tube top, thigh-highs and way too much eye makeup (Adam didn’t think that was possible), all while licking his bright red lips, looking at Adam.

“Ok…Sooo… that’s not normal,” Adam muttered to himself before walking up to the strippified Tommy.


“Yeah, pretty. How’d you guess? Has my fame preceded me? And who would you be cutie pie?” Tommy smacked on his chewing gum before throwing smug smirk Adam’s way.

“Wait…What? Tommy, it’s me!”

“I can’t be fucking expected to remember everyone’s name, now can I? Tell you what,” Tommy wound his legs around the light pole as he spoke, “How’s about you tell me what you want, and I’ll tell you how much it’ll be,”

“What I want…I just fucking want you to tell me what the hell’s goin on!” Adam put his hands up in a confused gesture. Tommy looked at him like he was stupid.

“What the hell do you think’s goin’ on?”

“I don’t- I-Uh-“Adam turned away from Tommy with the intention of sorting out his thoughts and instead saw…Tommy. Again.

“AAh! But I- You?” Adam flipped around again to see that the hooker Tommy was in fact, gone. This Tommy was clearly different. He was dressed in an entirely silver, mirror-finished jumpsuit. Silver jumpsuit? Really? Are we astronauts or David Bowie?

“Adam! Come on! You know Club Voodoo gets crowded,” Club VOODOO? What alternate universe had he transported into..?

Adam didn’t ask any questions though; he just followed as Tommy led him to the pounding club. And pounding was an understatement.

God damn, this club could not be real. It was dark but every surface was covered in glowing lights and the air was thick with cloying smoke. Adam lost track of Tommy in the mayhem and was unwilling to try and join in to the drama and dancing. Strange, yes, but this place was hurting his head a little. Well that, and the sheer confusion of what the living hell was going on.

It should’ve been a fucking amazing club, but everything was too…exaggerated. It felt like he was in a psychotic daydream of a club, not a real one.

He found refuge in a darker, quieter corner where there were several little platforms, each with a different stripper on it. It was oddly enough, the most peaceful part of the whole place. Most everyone else was lost in the Ke$ha Take It Off style orgy going on in the main dance floor.

Only one of the strippers was male, so Adam, as he thought about how to fix this situation, let his gaze wander to him, absentmindedly.

However, Adam felt his mouth fall open in absolute horror as his eyes moved up and he recognized the face on the stripper. Holy mother of God…

… “Neil?”

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Adam ran from the strip club and tried to bleach the image of his BROTHER as a STRIPPER from his brain.

“Oh God. Oh God…WHY!!??” He collapsed onto his knees and shouted towards the rainy sky. Lightning even cracked. This alternate universe was. Screwing. His. Shit. Up. A sequined thong? Where would he even get a sequined thong?? Did he steal it from Adam?? Adam tried to continue his brain bleaching process. He got up from his knees and tried running like the devil from the strip club…Yeah that helped a little.

However, as he ran, the sidewalk and buildings began to morph into something else. He stopped running and pulled in a few breaths as he noticed that he was now in a brick stony hallway with lots of gold accents. Fuck it all. He was in a castle now wasn’t he? Yep, a castle. It was quiet here at least, besides the few servants that he saw traversing back and forth carrying platters and flowers and such. None of them paid him any attention, despite his leather jacket, eyeliner and skinny jeans. Not exactly the typical attire of this location, he presumed.

It really wasn’t all that bad as he kept on walking down the various little mazes of hallways. He could almost ignore the pure unadulterated whattheholyfuckness that was his life for a moment.

However, that was disturbed as he entered what looked like the great hall. He heard a guitar strum and looked up to the top of a small balcony to see Kris. He was in a period perfect outfit and smiling down at Adam while he played the guitar and sang.

“I don’t know you…But I want you…All the more for that!” Adam recognized the song as Falling Slowly and felt his mouth fall open. Kris continued to sing the song lovingly all while staring at Adam. Oh God. Adam was being serenaded! He felt his brain shut down again.

Adam finally ran down the corridor and decided the best option was to huddle in the corner. He didn’t think real thoughts. Nope, real thoughts were fucking with his head in this world. Rocking back and forth with his hands in his face was easier.

However, this was interrupted as Brad appeared in the hallway as well, in some spiffy little pageboy outfit and a feathery hat.

“Adam! What is wrong with you! You’re nails are all bitey!”

“Yes Brad…My nails are all bitey. Why? Why you may ask? Because I don’t know where the hell I am!!” Adam’s voice cracked and squeaked as he got up out of the fetal position.

“I’m in a god damned castle right now and I do not know why! One second I was running down a street, now I’m in a castle! And Kris is right around that corner dressed in some adorable little medieval outfit on a balcony with a guitar. Serenading me! He’s fucking serenading me! What is this!? I am so confused right now, it is impossible to comprehend. And you wanna know what makes this even better?? Do you??” Adam didn’t wait for a reply and opened the door closest to him as an answer. He took one peek inside before slamming it closed.

“OF COURSE Tommy’s inside. Of course he’s lounging seductively on the bed, dressed as a saloon girl. I would’ve been SHOCKED if it had been any different!!” He huffed out a sigh before turning back to Brad who was giving him a tilted head and raised eyebrow.

“Wait…” Adam paused, “Saloon girl?” He opened the door again and looked inside before slowly closing it with an apathetic expression. “Yep, saloon girl…It’s the old west in that room…Of course it’s the fucking old west in that room…” He let out a hysterical giggle. However, this time when he turned around Brad was gone.

“Gah! Tommy!!” Adam screeched as Tommy was, once again, right next to him…this time in a bikini. Adam looked back and forth between Tommy and the door. “But you were just…”

“Hey Adam. Wanna go down to the hot tub?” Tommy didn’t even blink.

“Castles have hot tubs?”

“Adam…We’re at the hotel! Now come on!” Tommy explained brightly with a smile before gesturing for Adam to follow. Adam looked up to see that indeed, yes it was a carefully decorated, high class hotel hallway that he was now in. He just made a little whimpering noise and tried not to let out a tear as he followed Tommy’s little bikini covered ass to the hot tub. When they finally reached the door marked “Sauna”, Adam opened the door first only to see, not a sauna room as one would typically expect, but a huge field of flowers, and a couple sparkling trees in the distance. When he turned around, the door he came out of wasn’t even there anymore. God…Damnit.

Well…okay a pretty little flowery field wasn’t so bad. Everything was all sparkly here which was nice. And there were no people. Also a good thing. Until he heard a snort and turned back around to see…

A unicorn

Well what the ever loving fuck!?

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The unicorn snorted and it occurred to Adam that this was in fact, not a hideous dream. And that apparently, unicorns were not as docile and cute as often portrayed. This one, for example had a devious gleam to its eye.
Ok…so, that may have been a sparkle but Adam didn’t trust anything in this universe. That horn could be deadly! Wild animals (no matter how pretty) were soo not his thing. As he was slowly backing away from the creature, he felt a small tap on his shoulder and nearly jumped into a tree. He flipped around to see a small sparkling patch moving away from him in the darkness. Darkness?
Aaand it’s nighttime again. Awesome. The trees were much closer now as well; he was practically in the forest. He turned around again to see that the unicorn was nowhere in sight. However, the little sparkling, glowing…thing moved closer and settled in a spot by his line of sight. Adam squinted to see that the thing was in fact a small person with wings. And that the small person was Tommy in a Tinkerbelle outfit. Of course it was.
“Hello!” little fairy Tommy spoke directly into Adam’s ear as he hovered, “You’re not from around here are you?”
“Um, no, not particularly,” Adam shrunk back from the little person, but at the same time was intrigued. Tommy made a pretty adorable fairy. Stupid androgynous little elf face.
“I can tell,” he replied with a smirk.
“So…Aren’t fairies supposed to, you know, not show themselves to humans?” Adam asked.
“Ok, first off, I’m a pixie, not a fucking fairy!” Ah…Theeere was the Tommy Adam knew and loved, “Second off, no, not really, but I like you,” Fairy, so sorry, pixie Tommy winked.
“Um, alright,” Wait…Pixies. Pixies seemed familiar. Adam felt like he had seen something about a pixie Tommy before. A piece of fan art maybe? God…this should be obvious. Well, he wasn’t remembering anytime soon and pixie Tommy was giving him an odd glazed-eyes look.
“You’re beautiful…” He murmured sincerely.
“Thank you?” Adam suddenly looked around him to see some kind of glittery dust floating all around them that seemed to come from the glowing flowers on the forest floor. Oh great, sex pollen was really gonna help his already fucked up mind. Wait. How the hell did he know this shit was sex pollen?? Something was definitely connected here. Whatever, back to the matter at hand: A little horny pixie Tommy who was gazing into his eyes with lust.
How the fuck would that even work? Their anatomies were completely-…No. Adam was not even letting himself consider it. But he didn’t get the chance as he accidentally breathed in a huge whiff of the pollen and sneezed.
When he opened his eyes again, he was standing next to a full-sized Tommy, still with the wings and Tinkerbelle outfit.
“Howthe HELL did you become normal-sized so fast??”
“Normal-sized? I’ve always been this size. Now where were we?” Tommy was still looking very horny and was now no longer fun-sized…
He didn’t wait for Adam to react and grabbed the back of his neck, proceeding to eat his face, wings a-flapping. Adam reacted instinctually at first and leaned into the kiss, tilting his head down. However, it quickly broke through his thick skull that this was not the real Tommy and that this weird. He pulled himself away as Tommy grabbed a breath. His hazy eyes met Adam’s and he smiled an adorable, mischievous little smirk.
“You’re freckles are adorable by the way,”
Oh shit…Adam knew where he was now…
He was inside of fanfiction!!! Oh god, he was soo fucked.

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Adam was still reeling from the realization that he was in fact, trapped inside of a fictional universe starring himself…and lots of people on the internet, when the pixie Tommy tried to attack him with more kisses.
Adam managed to pull away this time and run back to the deeper parts of the forest. He finally stopped when he could see no trace of Tinker-Tommy’s glow. He lay himself down under a big, glittery willow tree to catch his breath, collect his thoughts and most definitely not squeak like a little girl when an owl hooted .
It occurred to him, as he gazed up at the brighter than normal stars, that it had been a while without a sudden change in scenery. Maybe it was slowing down, he hoped. These switches were worse than a bad trip for screwing with his head. However, he knew he was in for more mind-fucking when he heard the flutes and drums.
He went against his better instincts and followed the echoing music to a little clearing in the woods. He peeked around a tree to see a small group of what appeared to be…elves? Well, they were short and had pointed ears so he assumed they were elves. And elves showed up a ton in fanfiction, what with the gay Christmas elf comment and all. So yes, they were elves.
And naturally, these were not just random anonymous elves. Oh, no. Elf versions of Brad, Kris, Taylor, Terrence, Allison, and, of-fucking-course, Tommy, were skipping around a campfire and an elf Isaac was sitting off to the side, cross-legged, beating on a little drum. Of the skipping elves, Kris and Tommy were playing pan flutes. They were all barefoot and clad in brown leafy looking outfits.
Trying to ignore the sheer adorableness of the little scene proved impossible as Adam stared in rapture at the little dancing and giggling elves. Unfortunately, Adam slipped forward from the tree he was leaning on and snapped a twig with his foot. They all stopped dancing and turned to stare at the big human that had interrupted.
“Uh…” Adam found himself at a loss for words as all their big pretty eyes gazed up at him. Kris finally came forward and patted his leg, quickly followed by the others. They all began investigating Adam, including a handsy Brad who grabbed his ass and an overzealous Tommy who groped his ankle.
The added weight of an elf Tommy dragging on his foot pulled Adam forward and he fell face-first into the fire, closing his eyes in preparation for the pain.
It never came though; instead Adam opened his eyes, to see to see that he was laying on flowing dunes of sand in every direction. There was no sign of civilization. Fuck.
He pulled himself up out of the sand and dusted off his jeans as he tried to figure out what the fucking hell he was supposed to do now. He could see a teeny tiny little cloud off in the distance so he figured what the hell? Why not follow it? There was nothing else out here to guide him.
However, he discovered that his little cloud was a shitty guide. As he walked on and on into the desert, there was still no sign of anything interesting. He pulled off his boots and jacket as the ridiculous desert heat climbed and after a second look at his sweaty shirt, pulled that off too, muttering under his breath about “stupid Tommy” and “fucking sun burnt freckle skin,”
It was over an hour that he wandered, seemingly aimlessly, across the barren wasteland before he finally cracked.
“Of all, those god damn stories I read and the millions I didn’t, I am stuck the longest here!?” This was the second mindless rant he has gone on since this whole adventure started...not a good sign. Well, he was probably still sane until the rocks started ranting back at him.
“There were pretty stories where I was rich and lived in luxury with rotating closets and buckets of ice cream! But nooooo, I end up trapped for mother-fucking eternity in the middle of an endless FUCKING DESERT!!! I mean, at least before…”
Adam’s monologue stopped short and his jaw dropped as just over the next hill, he came across a huge, opulent and golden palace. There were palm trees and fountains flowing with delicious, beautiful water and all the men he saw were half-naked and stunning.
One of the men spotted Adam and came running over to kneel at his feet, kissing his toes.
“My pharaoh…You have returned,”
Ok, so maybe he could deal with this universe for just a little while longer.

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Adam let himself be led into the beautiful palace by the man, who was, annoyingly, fussing over every little thing.
“Oh Pharaoh…You must be tended too! Your poor skin! The sun has most definitely taken its toll. Has the pilgrimage into the desert given you the knowledge you desired?” His wide brown eyes looked up to Adam’s face.
“Huh? Oh…um, yeah. It was uh, great?” Hm…he would need to work on this whole “all powerful pharaoh” thing.
“The gods delivered you a message?” The poor, nervous Egyptian man looked so hopeful.
“Uh, yes! Yes they did…but uh, you know…I can’t tell anyone else about it. Gods’s rules,” Adam hoped that the questions would end there. However, the man then spotted Adam’s tattoos and gasped, falling to the floor.
“Horus himself has marked you in his favor!” He went back to his knees and bowed before Adam. “You truly shall be the greatest pharaoh Egypt has ever known!” Oh god…
“Yep, I’m special. Now about that skin treatment?” He gazed longingly at the other man’s darker toned skin, much better suited for the desert sun than his fair skin.
“Ah yes…” He got up from the floor, “We must take you to the baths, my pharaoh,”
“Thank god…” He needed to enjoy the perks of his position.
“What was that Pharaoh?”
“Thank the gods!” He corrected.
“Donkor?” A new voice echoed from around the hallway, “Perhaps you shall allow me to escort our great Pharaoh Adom? I believe you need to oversee the newest slave shipment?”
“Of course, Ubaid,” Donkor then nodded quickly and scurried away. Adam turned to assess his newest escort. Oddly enough, it was no one he knew, just a tall shirtless and well-muscled Egyptian man. He gave Adam a fond smile before beckoning for him to follow. Oh right! The baths. Hopefully he could get some honest to god pampering out of this ordeal.
Ubaid turned to stop Adam just before he went into the baths.
“Adom…as your oldest friend, it is my deepest wish that you shall continue to receive all the help from the gods that your name implies,” Wait, his name implied what?
“And I hope that this pilgrimage marks the beginning of a true era of rule and remembrance for all you stand for,” He dropped to one knee and placed a fist against his heart. Oh fuck…Adam’s heat stricken brain was not at a high enough working level and Ubaid was just so sincere! Well, whatever, all those years of theater weren’t for nothing!
“Thank you my dearest friend. Your true and honest praise means much to me,” He may have gone a little overdramatic in the delivery, but Ubaid seemed to not notice. Adam placed a hand on his shoulder and apparently this worked as a signal for him to get up. He gave Adam one final head nod before leaving him to the baths. Oh my fucking Ra! Finally…he needed a spa day. He deserved a fucking spa day with all this shit!
The baths were dark, lit only by the flickering light of a few candles and coupled with the soothing sound of flowing water. He could see something glowing softly in the corner as well. As Adam surveyed his surroundings, he startled at the sound of someone moving in the darkness.
“Who’s there?”
“It’s me, Pharaoh. It’s Tum,” Tum? Adam had a sneaking suspicion in his gut as he turned towards the voice. And…yup. Tum was Tommy. He stood next to a square shaped hole in the ground that Adam assumed was the tub. He had his hands behind his back and his head ducked in a submissive posture. When he looked up through his hair, Adam could see the heavy Egyptian eye make-up and hell yeah, it looked gorgeous. His being clothed in nothing but a white cloth pinned to the side did not help the situation. Adam tried to ignore the sexiness of Egypt!Tommy and focus on his bath. He walked over to the tub to see that the soft glowing was coming from heated stones at the bottom of the bath. Tommy, whoops Tum turned to address Adam.
“If you would give me your clothes Pharaoh?” The question was asked innocently enough, but Adam could feel the tension in the thickly scented air. He chose not to dwell on it and quickly disposed of his jeans and briefs, adding them to the pile in his arms. Tum let his gaze lightly linger on Adam’s body before taking the pile and putting it in a basket to the side
Oddly enough Tum didn’t react to Adam’s modern clothing. He did, however, lay out a fine white and gold cloth for him to change into as well as a small golden snake headdress and a pot of kohl. Adam didn’t wait for Tum’s order and got straight into the warm water of the bath. He barely contained a moan as the water soothed his skin. He did not contain a moan as Tum began to rub soap into his hair and down his shoulders. He just spend hours walking in the god damned mother fucking desert, he could indulge himself if he pleased!
Once Tum was done in the bath, he pulled Adam out and led him to a stone slab on the floor.
“It’s time for the next part of your bath my Pharaoh…” Tum’s mouth slipped into a small smirk as Adam laid himself down onto the slab. He closed his eyes as Tum began to rub soothing oils into his skin.
“I believe this is the first time I have done this to you where your skin has actually needed the treatment, Adom,” Adam could hear the smile in his voice. Good god, would people just shut up about his skin already? It’s not his fault he’s a ginger in the desert!
Adam let go that thought and simply let himself relax and enjoy the sensation of being naked and rubbed down with oil by a pretty man. A pretty man who was now bending over and laying a kiss onto his chest. Adam sucked in a breath as Tum’s mouth slowly made its way up his neck and latched onto his lips, moaning an "Adom...". Adam ignored the stupid nagging voice which told him to stop this madness and pulled the man on to the slab with him.
Besides, it wasn’t like this was really Tommy. It was just a pretty Egyptian man named
Tum with the exact same features as Tommy. And really, with all he had to go through…Why not indulge just a little more?

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Adam spent a luxurious ten…or twenty…or thirty…minutes rolling around on the slab with Tum/Tommy before he realized that stone slabs were really not the best place to roll around on. Bruises and such…And not the sexy kind.
“Tum?” He asked around the kiss. Or tried to ask around the kiss as the other man moaned and rolled so that Adam was on top of him.
Despite that very appealing distraction, Adam tried again
“Tum please? Maybe we could go somewhere a little more…soft?” Yeah, ouch. This god damn rock was a cock block if anything was.
“Of course Adom. Your bed would suffice I imagine?” Tum raised his eyebrows suggestively before biting his lip. A couple hours ago, Adam would’ve freaked out at that. But you know what? He has been walking in the desert for hours, has gone through some serious damage to his psyche and seen his brother in a thong! And you know what? If he was going to be trapped in the strange world of fanfiction (see what I did there) he was going to FUCKING enjoy it.
So yes, he agreed to go with Tum to his apparently amazing Pharaoh bed in the adjoining room. Yes, it was amazing. A giant golden headboard dominated the back wall and soft white canopy drifted around the actual bed. Adam swore he could hear a choir singing hallelujah. He stood and gaped for as much as a bed that beautiful deserved.
“Adom?” Tum interrupted and that was all it took for Adam to think ‘fuck the bed’ and remember that he was still naked and oily and that there was a beautiful, surprisingly not naked, Tommy-like man waiting for him. Yes, miraculously Tum had managed to keep his loincloth thingy on this whole time and that was seriously not okay.
Adam pulled him in close and kissed him until he was pressing the smaller man into the bed. The canopy swooped around them as Adam lay down on top of Tum and finally ripped off that fucking cloth. Tum seemed to have no problem with that, kissing with more vigor. Adam recognized that at the rate things were going he was soon going to need…Aha! He spotted a little pot of oil on the side table. Ancient Egyptian lube…Convenient.
As Adam began to do what any rationally thinking gay man would do in this situation (fuck the pretty boy senseless), he found himself moaning “Tommy…” before he could stop himself.
“What did you say?” Tum looked up to meet his eyes as both men ceased their movement.
“Um, I meant Tum?” Adam said nervously, but Tum’s face stretched into a wide grin.
“I was hoping you’d remember. Even after your pilgrimage, I am still forever your Tummy,”
Tummy? Adam seriously hoped that was a nickname.
“Just as you’re forever my Adommy,” Really? Really?
“Really?” He shouted up to the sky, “Adommy? Seriously? What is this?”
“Adom…Who are you talking to?” Tum asked, slightly concerned. Adam just sighed.
“Nobody, Tum. Nobody,”
“Pharaoh!” Both men turned to the voice that was coming from the other side of the door.
“Um yes?” Adam replied hesitantly, vividly aware of the…delicate situation he was in.
“It is Ubaid. You must come to see the work on the newest monument Pharaoh!”
“Uh…I’m a little busy!!”
“I doesn’t matter what you and your “little Tummy” are in the middle of! And don’t say ‘I’m the Pharaoh, I shall do as I wish’ like usual! This is of upmost importance!”
Shit. That was what he was about to say. Well it might’ve been a little more like ‘I’m the fucking Pharaoh bitch! I do what I want!’…Whatever. He let out a heavy sigh reluctantly pulling away from Tum.
“We are finishing this later!” He whispered seriously to Tum who nodded with a smirk.
“My pleasure, Pharaoh,” Both men got out of bed and Adam sat and relaxed as Tum dressed him and applied his kohl and jewelry. Adam huffed out the door to an amused-looking Ubaid who seemed to know exactly what had been going on.
“I apologize Pharaoh, but it is necessary that you approve of the current state of your monument before we can proceed,” Ubaid gestured for Adam to follow as he left the pretty, pretty palace and began walking out into the desert wasteland. Adam just let out another angry huff
“If I must,” He had just been starting to get used to this whole Pharaoh thing…Wait. If he was Pharaoh…Ha! That meant he was a Jewish Pharaoh! Take that history! His musings were interrupted as Ubaid stopped in front of the monument. Adam looked up to see the Sphinx looming up in front of him. Except not quite, this Sphinx…Holy shit. The Sphinx had his face!!
“Does it meet your approval Pharaoh?” Ubaid asked as Adam’s jaw dropped. Meet his approval? Fuck that! The Sphinx had his face!! Adam tried to compose himself as he realized Ubaid was still waiting for an answer.
“Uh, yes. Yes it most certainly does,” Ubaid looked like he was about to reply when he heard a commotion going on with the builders working on his Sphinx face. He saw as a huge splintering crack began to form in the nose. Of course.
Adam closed his eyes shut as the huge chunk of nose stone fell towards him. But as seemed to be the pattern in this twisted universe, the impact never came. Instead he opened his eyes to see that he was now standing in front of a large building complex in suburbia. He looked up to see the sign of where he was and groaned.
Ew…High school.

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Adam stared up at arched school sign above him in dismay. He let out a long sigh. Because high school was so much fun the first time…Maybe he’d be a teacher? Please say he was a teacher…
“Mr. Lambert!” Oh thank god, he was a teacher! “You’d better get your butt to class soon, son! Bell’s about to ring,” Shit. Just shit. He turned around to see an authoritative, bearded man clutching a stack of papers. The man gave him one more stern look before heading inside the doors as Adam followed quietly. Adam paused while opening the doors as he had a brief moment of panic. He was probably still in his Egyptian clothes!!
Thankfully, that thought died as he glanced down at himself to see a simple T-shirt and loose jeans. He sent a silent “thank you” up to whoever was controlling this world. As much as the people here probably wouldn’t have noticed, Adam most certainly would’ve felt uncomfortable walking around school in a loincloth.
However…the more he looked at himself, he felt like something was off. His body didn’t feel normal. Oh no. He glanced at his reflection in the glass doors and his jaw dropped.
“Oh...fuck no!” He bolted inside and ran to the first bathroom he could find. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, NO!!!
Fuck…yes. Yes, it was true. He gazed in horror at his reflection in the mirror. His teenage reflection. The one he really, really had not wanted to see again. He let out a little sob. Red hair. Red hair and stark freckles and worst of all, chubby. It was bad enough to be back in high school, but to actually be the way he was in high school…No. Nuh, uh. He had come a long, looong way from that self-conscious pile of awkward pubescence and there was NO WAY he was going back to that!! He was a fucking rock star! And you know what? FUCK whoever was controlling this world. Fuck them hard and unwillingly in the ass.
He was still shaking his head at the unfairness of life as he left the bathroom and he felt someone grab his shoulder from behind. He spun around to see a teenage Kris, still as adorable as ever of course. Why wasn’t Kris vomiting? He was looking straight at Adam and wasn’t vomiting. Adam felt like vomiting.
“Hey Adam! You left your backpack at my house last night. I’ve got it back in class, you coming? Bell’s about to ring,”
“Uh-huh, I’m coming,” he mumbled in a small voice.
“You all right man?” Kris put his hand back on Adam’s shoulder and his face fell. No, he wasn’t all right. He wanted to lock himself in a bathroom stall and cry. But no…That would something dorky Adam would do…If he wanted to be rock star Adam he would have to start acting like it! The power of positive thinking!
“Yes, I am perfectly fine!” Kris looked somewhat concerned at the sudden intense optimism in Adam’s voice but didn’t say anything. Adam proceeded to follow Kris to his class, which turned out to be history. Thank god, if it had been math, that little bout of hope would’ve died right there. Kris directed Adam to his seat and backpack at the back of the class and sat next to him. He still looked worried, not unreasonably, about Adam.
“Are you sure you’re ok? You look a little…lost,” A little?
Adam tried to come up with an explanation that was somewhat normal without saying ‘Oh no. I’m not lost at all. Just stuck inside a fictional internet universe and all. Same old, same old you know,’ He felt like Kris might be a little confused by that.
“I’m ok. Just uh, tired,” Kris nodded in agreement but looked away when the door slammed shut and the teacher arrived.
She went straight to the chalk board at the front to begin class.
“All right everybody. Today we will be discussing…Ancient Egypt!” Oh ha-ha. Very amusing. Way to pour salt in the wounds.
Well either way, Adam felt he probably wasn’t going to be staying here long enough to actually need notes so he just laid his head on the desk and zoned out. He slooowly felt himself drift into daydreams about shirtless men and oil and rolling around in amazing beds and about how he was SO doing a pharaoh themed photo shoot when he got back to real life…
“BRRING!!” Adam jolted awake with a gasp at the sound of the bell.
Thankfully his next class turned out to be art. He figured he’d just sat in the back once again and doodle little designs covered in glitter until the period was over. However teenage Brad apparently had other ideas.
“Adam! Get over here!” Teenage Brad was in a little beret and apron from where Adam could see behind the easel. He was still cute too. What the fuck!? Was he the only one who got screwed? Ugh, whatever.
“You need to pose for me!” He demanded, “I’m going to paint you as a peacock!”
“A peacock?” Adam asked, confused as hell.
“Yes! Remember! We already discussed this. I’m going to paint you as a peacock and you’re going to paint me as a hummingbird,” He gestured wildly with the paintbrush as he spoke.
“I don’t really feel like much of a peacock at the moment,” Adam muttered, pulling at his bland T-shirt.
“But you will be sweetheart! I’ve seen you on stage. Now pose!” It didn’t sound like Adam would be able to change his mind any time so he stood awkwardly in front of the easel trying his hardest to figure out how the hell to pose like a damn peacock while Brad kept changing his mind on what he wanted.. He ended up going with something à la Johnny Weir.
Once he made it through that, he figured he could drag his way through the rest of the day. A he walked, he felt himself unconsciously scanning the hallways for a familiar blonde head that had strangely not popped up for a while. That is until a large arm came out of nowhere and shoved him into the wall of lockers next to him.
“Get out of my way loser!” A jock looking boy shouted with a laugh before getting a high five from one of his posse. ‘Oh my god, one of these days, I will be a famous rock star loved worldwide and you will be a miserable Wal-Mart clerk with a pregnant girlfriend I swear to god!!!’
Adam felt the words stew inside his brain but held his tongue as the, unfortunately attractive, football meathead ran down the hall.
“Just ignore them Adam,” He lectured himself, “This will have to end eventually,” he thought for a moment as the same boy started grossly making out with some girl against the lockers. “I fucking hope,”

Chapter Text

Adam managed to shuffle through the first half of the day and make it to lunch, despite having to dodge jocks, jerk teachers and various other hazards along the way. By the time he spotted Kris, he didn’t even have the energy to say hi and just deposited his sorry carcass in the first seat he found across from him.
“Adam, are you sure you’re ok?” He looked to see, not only Kris’s worried gaze but that of Megan, Anoop, Matt, Allison and Lil. Oh yay, American Idol reunion.
“Still tired,” He muttered from where his head was resting on the table, closing his eyes.
“You’re still coming to glee club aren’t you?” Allison asked in a concerned voice. Glee club? Please, Please say Glee wasn’t involved in this universe. This was insane enough as it was. Although…A singing Kurt or Rachel jumping out of nowhere might make everything a little more entertaining. He felt his mouth quirk up into a smile at the thought.
“It wouldn’t be as fun without you!” Allison spoke up again, reminding Adam that she was still waiting for an answer. Well, what the hell? Why not go to glee club? It’s not like he had other plans.
“Yeah, I’m going,” He lifted his head up to meet Allison’s elated smile. The rest of the table went back to their own conversations.
“Great! I’ve got a totally awesome idea for a duet we can sing today!” She exclaimed.
“Let me guess, Slow Ride?” Adam asked. Her face fell a little.
“How’d you know?” Adam made a wry smile
“Lucky guess,”
“Aren’t you gonna eat anything?” Kris asked. Adam looked down at his stomach and poked at it. His smile turned into a grimace.
“No, I’m not hungry,”
“You should eat something. It’ll make you feel better,” He insisted before going back to his own food. MUST he be such a nag? He was worse than Donkor…God, he missed Egypt already. And Tum. Speaking of which, where the hell was Tommy? He had gone from popping up every two seconds to non-existent. He kind of wanted to see how he looked in high school. Probably adorable like everyone else in this hell hole. He’d probably have some little school girl outfit on or some shit. Now, THAT would be entertaining.
“What on earth are you smiling like a crazy person about?” Adam looked over to see Brad plopping himself down in the seat next to his. Adam just shook his head in response.
“Oh keeping secrets now are we? First you fail as a muse and now you’re keeping secrets?”
“Since when does Adam fail as a muse?” Lil asked.
“Since today in art when he couldn’t channel the proper peacock that I know is lurking inside of him,” Brad snipped.
“I was channeling perfectly fine! It was your direction that needed help!” Adam snapped, “And I got what you wanted eventually right?”
“Eventually,” Brad allowed. He looked like he wanted to say something else but Allison leaned over to ask him about his idea for glee club. Adam took advantage of his distraction to look around the cafeteria. Unfortunately, there was no sign of Tommy or the cast of Glee. Damn. The only people he recognized were at his table.
“Adam! Why aren’t you eating?” Brad asked when he looked back over at Adam.
“Not hungry,” Brad narrowed his eyes and dug around in his bag, pulling out a yogurt. He handed it to Adam with a “don’t fuck with me” expression. Adam decided to forgo further argument and just took the goddamned food.
“Eat. Peacocks need food,”
“So do hummingbirds,”
“That’s why I have my delicious homemade tacos!” Brad announced before digging in to said tacos. Tacos…Tommy. Stupid little blondie.
Adam had to make it through lunch and the rest of the day before he found out where the stupid little blonde was. He was sitting in the auditorium where they held glee club and twiddling his thumbs as everyone else did pretty much the same thing. They all seemed to be waiting on something. It couldn’t be the teacher since a lovely lady by the name of Miss Abdul (cue eye roll) was looking up at the clock with the rest of them. They all looked up when the back door slammed closed.
“Finally, he’s here,” Adam heard Kris mutter as he saw who was walking down the stairs to where they were all seated.
It was Tommy
And yes, he was in a school girl uniform.
Of course.

Chapter Text

Adam felt his mouth gape open and close a couple times like a fish as he stared at Tommy’s little plaid skirt, button-up shirt , loose tie, ripped fishnets and heels. He could not deny it. It was hot. Very hot. Like surface of the sun meets young Leonardo DiCaprio hot. No one else was reacting to it oddly enough. Was this a normal thing?? It was fanfiction. Of course it was a normal thing for Tommy to show up in a schoolgirl uniform. What else would Tommy be wearing? T-shirt and jeans? Preposterous! Adam just tried to shake it off and turned to Kris.
“He’s not in glee club is he?” He asked.
“Who Tommy? No way! He’s just here to play guitar for us and scrape some time off his detention,” Kris glared over at him. Tommy returned the look to Kris but turned to give Adam a sly little wink. Kris’s frown deepened on his face. Why do Kris and Tommy never seem to get along in these stories unless they were in a threesome with him? Whatever, Adam decided to ignore whatever confusing animosity lay there and winked back. Tommy replied with a little smirk and shifted in his seat so that his skirt was even higher up on his thighs. Adam cleared his throat and looked back to where Kris was giving him a disapproving look. Adam just shrugged as everyone looked back at Miss Abdul (Cue eye roll).
“Hello everyone. I just wanted to say like I do at all our meetings that all of you are beautiful human beings and are all so talented no matter what anyone tells you! Even if that certain someone was a British choir teacher who said you weren’t good enough to get in to senior choir. You’re all winners to me!” Cue second eye roll. Paula’s encouragement was nice on Idol but this was a little much, “Ok, I understand Allison and Adam were going to perform today?” Allison leaped up eagerly and Adam sighed before getting up to follow. When Allison told the band her song choice, Adam thought he saw Tommy smile. As he got into the music, Adam found that singing Slow Ride with Allison again was actually kind of enjoyable once he stopped thinking about where he was. He also enjoyed the extensive blond hair flipping that he could see out of the corner of his eye. When he was done, he found himself actually smiling especially when Allison tackled him with a hug. Some things never really changed. Kris was up next to sing. He pulled out his own guitar from god knows where and turned to Tommy
“You’re services will not be required with me,” He snipped. Tommy just shrugged and took a seat nearby Adam. Kris spent a few seconds tuning his guitar before he began playing and singing. Adam’s eyes widened and his whole body tensed up when he realized he was singing Falling Slowly. He kept seeing flashbacks of medieval clothing and balconies. Thankfully, this time he wasn’t focused on Adam. He had his eyes closed and was doing those pretty little orgasm faces he always did when he was singing. Despite that lovely distraction, Adam could still hear Tommy’s snort and as he looked over, he saw him roll his eyes at Kris’s performance. Adam giggled a little and Tommy winked at him a second time, nodding with his head towards one of the side doors of the auditorium. Adam glanced around to see if anyone was paying attention to them. After assuring himself that no one was, he snuck after Tommy into the door, which turned out to be the prop closet. Tommy spun around to face him.
“So freckle-face, were you as bored with Mr. Kumbaya as I was?” He asked.
“Hey! Kris is super talented!” Adam defended him, deciding to ignore the “freckle-face” comment.
“And super cute too right?” Tommy asked with a raised eyebrow.
“That’s beside the point!” Adam spluttered.
“It doesn’t matter how talented he is, that lovey-dovey shit gets old fast. ‘Oh, look at me! I’m so fucking adorable and romantic!’”
“I think it’s sweet and pretty!”
“You would…” Tommy shook his head indulgently and smiled. Wait, this wasn’t even real. Why was he arguing with someone who wasn’t real…? Adam just decided to smile back. Tommy’s eyes got heated fast and he pushed Adam up into a row of feather boas to plant a huge kiss on his mouth. Oh, well…that was unexpected. Adam decided to ignore the voices in his head saying that he was fat and ugly and just kissed back, trying make up for the untimely exit in Egypt and indulge some more. He ran his hands up and down Tommy’s fishnet covered legs and up that teasing little skirt to squeeze his ass.
“Ooh, more forward than usual aren’t we today?” Tommy murmured into Adam’s lips. Adam decided to shut him up with his tongue. They made-out like…well, teenagers for a few minutes before Tommy pulled away and got down onto his knees. Adam’s breath sped up as he ignored the voice going ‘It’s not real. This is insane,” and laid his head back against the boas, giving schoolgirl Tommy full access to do whatever he wanted. He looked down to see Tommy pull his zipper down with his teeth and push down his jeans to mouth over his underwear clad hard-on. Adam had just gotten to the point when he was completely blissed out thinking “fuck the world,” when he was jolted by a sharp knocking against the prop closet door.
“What’s going on in there!?” Adam jumped back and tripped over the jeans around his ankles and fell behind a costume rack onto the street of a dark alley. When he looked up, he was staring at a blank brick wall. God DAMN it!! 98 percent of fanfiction involved sex and he STILL couldn’t get any!! It was true…God did hate the gays. Adam got up from the ground just in time to duck back down and avoid the knife that was flying past his face. Jesus fucking Christ, what NOW?

Chapter Text

Adam crouched down to avoid more flying projectiles and flinched as he heard a gunshot go off, followed by several more. He miraculously managed to ninja roll away from the madness as someone shouted out “I’m coming for you Lambert!!” and was promptly pulled to his feet by Monte, who led him to a shiny black car parked around the corner. When his mind finally managed to turn off autopilot long enough to actually think, he took notice of the fact he had his 2011 body back along with his black hair. Halle-FUCKING-loo. He was also dressed in a non-descript suit jacket and black pants. Monte was dressed similarly.
“Ok, would you mind telling me what the HELL is happening?” Adam demanded.
“What do you think is happening boss? Did you knock your head?” Monte asked. He sounded sarcastic, but Adam decided to use it as an explanation.
“Uh, yes. Yes, I did hit my head…What’s going on?” Monte shook his head and sighed.
“In case you forgot…You happen to be the biggest mob boss in California,” Adam’s eyes widened. Oh shit…
“And that new gunman you hired, Fever, apparently he’s sought after material,” Monte looked back out the window to see if anyone was following them.
“Fever?” Adam asked, crinkling his brow. Oh, let me guess, Fever was probably-
“Little blondie remember? With the platform shoes? The one you only hired because you want to get up in his ass?” Monte folded his arms.
“Hey! That is not the only reason I hired him!” At least he hoped not. But hey, maybe Mafia Adam was having as much luck in bed as Regular Adam currently was. In that case, he had every right in the world to hire a hot piece of ass. Adam giggled a little. Hot. Fever. He-he. Monte didn’t look amused.
“Adam, be serious for once. This is a big deal. If you piss off Seacrest too many times, he’ll come looking for you,” Adam had to stifle more laughter as he realized Monte was actually talking with an Italian accent. Adam thought he heard The Godfather theme music playing somewhere in the background as well… “I know Fever’s good but is he worth getting yourself killed? Seacrest’s real upset about losing him” Adam thought frantically for a second as to what a mafia boss would say.
“I can handle Seacrest,” Seemed to be the best response. Monte shrugged.
“If you say so boss,” They sat in silence the rest of the car ride until they ended up at a big dark warehouse in the center of the city. Monte led Adam inside and up a rickety metal staircase. You know, if Adam really was the most powerful mob boss in California, you’d think he could afford a better staircase. Maybe it was for the ambience.
“Come on boss; let’s get you somewhere where you can rest that big head of yours,” Adam hid his laugh at the Italian accents once again. He didn’t want Monte thinking he had literally gone insane. Although the sight of Isaac lounging in the corner, snarfing down a box of connolis almost sent him into a complete giggle fit. When they had finally navigated the maze of the warehouse and got somewhere that Monte deemed was safe, he deposited Adam on a chair and left to go get drinks. As Adam sat there waiting, he heard more gunshots ring out and jumped about a mile in the air. He just noticed the target sitting at the other end of the huge empty room and he watched as every shot that went out went straight to the center of the target. When he looked next to him, he saw Tommy standing, cocky with one hand on his hip, one holding his gun and a smirk directed straight at Adam.

Chapter Text

Adam stood, jaw barely staying closed as he stared at Tommy holding his smoking gun.

“Hey boss. You get what you needed from Seacrest’s goons?” He asked. Adam managed to gather his brain enough to answer.

“Yes! I did,” of course Adam had no freaking clue what exactly he’d needed to get but that was a conversation that he didn’t need right now. In fact, this whole situation wasn’t something that he didn’t need right now, but apparently he did not have a say in the matter.

“Well that’s good. Wouldn’t want you to nearly get yourself killed for nuthin’,” He sauntered over to stand closer to Adam. And closer. And closer. Until he was all up in Adam’s space, trailing the gun down his body, “Mm…How about we celebrate a little shall we?”

Adam wouldn’t mind celebrating a little. Celebrating sounded very nice right about now. However, Tommy was putting that gun a little too close to a very sensitive area.

“Tommy, I-I’m your boss. I don’t think this is a very good idea…” Adam tried to protest. Tommy just scoffed.

“Oh please, we both know why you hired me and it’s not because I’m good with guns…Well,” He paused and smirked, “Maybe that still gets you hot huh?” He leaned closer and trailed his lips on the spot right beneath Adam’s ear, “The way I can work a trigger? Yeah, you like that” He murmured as he ran his hand over the front of Adam’s pants.

“Uh...T-Tommy?” Adam asked, stutter as Tommy’s mouth worked on his neck.

“Yeah baby?”

“Can you please take the gun away from my junk now?” Seriously, the thing was way too close and Adam had NO idea if the thing was loaded or not.

“Heh, come on baby…You know you like the danger,” Tommy put his finger on the trigger and okay, that was pushing it too far. Adam had no idea what would happen if his dick was blown off in this universe but he sure as hell didn’t want to find out. Adam quickly grabbed Tommy around the wrist.

“Not when it has to do with my junk I don’t,” Tommy smirked.

“Aw, baby. You’d know I’d never hurt this,” He took the non-gun hand and patted Adam’s crotch. He moved closer to whisper in Adam’s ear.
“It’s still my favorite gun babyboy,” Oh god. How incredibly porntastically cheesy could this get?

Tommy finally moved to Adam’s lips and began devouring them. But before Adam could register this, he felt like he was falling backwards. Tumbling into another wormhole of doom he wagered. Fantastic.

When he opened his eyes, he was now standing in the doorway of some perfectly cleaned and polished house. It looked like something out of a black and white sit-com. But, you know, not black and white. He was also dressed in a crisp suit and had a briefcase.

“Honey? Is that you?” Adam heard a voice call from around the corner. His jaw dropped when he saw who the source of it was.

It was Tommy, hair slicked to the side in one perfect curl, bright red lips and a matching bright red dress with white polka-dots. He also had red pumps and white gloves. He was the perfect 50’s housewife.

“Oh honey, you’re home! How was your day?” Tommy asked as he stood primly in front of Adam, fluttering his eyelashes. Adam paused to think about the kind of day he’d been having so far.

“It could have been better,” He answered.

“Aw, my poor man!” Tommy exclaimed before going behind Adam to rub his shoulders, “Well, I promise to make you feel better. I’ve got meatloaf on the table, fresh-baked pie in the oven and later I’ll spend all night treating my honey-bear right,” Tommy giggled.

“Um, okay,” This was officially the weirdest story he had stumbled into so far. Did people actually write this stuff?? He was pulled out of his reverie by the sound of the doorbell.

“Oh! I’ll get that!” Tommy quickly went to answer the door, heels clacking on the floor. He opened it to reveal Brad and Kris. Brad, in a little pink dress with a blue plaid apron and Kris in a silky-white Marilyn Monroe style dress.

Oh good. I thought it might be something weird. Adam thought sarcastically.

“Brad? Kris?”

“Oh, call me Cheeks honey,” Brad waved his hand flippantly, “But Tommy…” Brad then put both his hands on his cocked hips, “You didn’t forget did you?”

“Oh darn, I did! I’m so sorry I totally forgot about Thursday book club!” Book club? Tommy, Brad and Kris were in a book club!? “But I’m afraid I’m going to have to cancel tonight girls. Me and the hubby were planning on having a…special evening,” Tommy and the other two giggled. Wait a second, the HUBBY!?

“Oh, don’t let us spoil that then!” Kris exclaimed with a wink, “We’ll pick up book club next week!”

“Don’t you forget next time!” Brad called as he and Kris left.

Okay, Adam was sufficiently freaked out now. More freaked out than he was of Tommy with the gun. At least Tommy with a gun was kind of in character. This…this was just WEIRD. Like Stepford Wives weird. And Adam kinda wanted to get out of here before he was brainwashed and/or raped.

“So shnookums…How do want to spend our ‘special evening’?” Tommy asked softly as he walked his fingers up Adam’s chest.

“Um, honey?” Adam asked, trying not to sound like he was freaking out. And failing miserably.

“Yes sweetheart?”

“I’m afraid shnookums has to…uh, go out for…something?” Smooth Lambert. Real smooth.

“Oh, but why? You just got home honey…” Tommy wrapped his arms around Adam’s neck and seemed quite unwilling to let go.

“I promise I’ll be back real soon sweetheart,” FUCK no, he wasn’t coming back. There was no other fanfiction that could be more twisted than this*.

Adam worked to disentangle himself from Tommy’s grasp and quickly back towards the door. The instant he was out he bolted, only to be hit by a huge light beam coming from the sky, accompanied by strange beeping and whirring noises.

“Oh, this is not good,” Adam said right before the light beam pulsed and flashed even brighter.

*Unless it's written by me...

Chapter Text

Adam squeezed his eyes tight against the bright light flashed down from the sky and braced himself for whatever the fuck was gonna happen. When he opened them again he was standing on what he could only assume was a spaceship. Everything was shiny and silver and coated with an incredibly confusing array of buttons and control panels. Adam blinked once to readjust his eyes to the lack of searing light and turned around, jaw falling open in awe.

It was SPACE. A huge window in the front of the ship looked out to the steadily shrinking blue and green orb that was Earth and stars speckled a night sky clearer than anything he’d ever seen. Whether this was really happening or not, it was still fucking amazing and that was surreal as hell.

“Ho-ly shit…” Adam murmured as he took in the view.

“Hello human,” Adam quickly whipped around at the voice coming from behind him. And of course…it was a mother fucking alien. A mother fucking purple sparkly alien with a small posse of other mother fucking purple sparkly aliens.

“Um, hi?” Adam said, unsure of how to properly address an alien race.

“You are the one they call ‘Lambert’?” The head one asked, “He who is here ‘for our entertainment’?”

“Uh, I suppose,” Adam replied, already regretting it. The aliens quickly gathered in an excited huddle before the head one spoke to him again.

“Excellent! You have been deemed by our superiors to be the perfect specimen for examining human sexuality!” he exclaimed.

‘Oh god…I just know this is gonna end in me getting probed.’ He thought. ‘It always ends in getting probed’

“Fan-fucking-tastic,” He muttered, “So is there a lab table somewhere where you’re gonna spread me out or something?” He asked, preparing for the worst and hoping to get this story over with as quickly as possible.

“Oh no,” Head alien said, shaking his head, “We have created an environment in accordance with the highest human standards of comfort and most suited to sexual intercourse,”

Adam didn’t even want to imagine what that could mean.

“So, what exactly am I going to be doing in this, uh, environment?” Adam asked, hoping they weren’t going to say something like ‘jack off for the camera whilst we project images of porn onto every available surface’.

“Sexual intercourse. As I specified,” The alien replied.

“But…I don’t know exactly how much you guys know about human sexuality but for intercourse to happen, you need um, two participants,” Adam tried to explain, hoping to get out of this ‘experiment’.

“Oh yes! We are aware of the necessity for at least two participants in true sexual intercourse among humans,” The alien answered brightly, “We have a second subject picked out for you that we feel will inspire you to give us adequate results,” The little posse of aliens all nodded in agreement at that.

Adam had a sneaking suspicion he knew who that second ‘subject’ would be.

The aliens then proceeded to gather around him and lead him down one of the ship’s hallways.

“So…if you don’t mind my asking, who exactly are you?” Adam asked.

“I am Gamma!” The head alien responded, “And this is Phi, Leo, Alkali, Shaniqua, Rubix and Seven,”

“Seven?” Adam asked. Seriously they named an alien seven? And come on, Shaniqua?

“Yes!” Gamma replied, “Seven was the one who designed your copulation environment!”

Seven waved happily with a proud grin on her face.

“It was an honor. Every one of us back on the home planet are eagerly awaiting this experiment! We all think you are the absolute perfect subject. Love the freckles,” Seven winked.

Adam had to repeat to himself “It’s not real. It’s not real. It’s not real. It’s just fiction,” as that the thought sunk into his head of whole population of aliens eagerly awaiting to view what would basically be a sex tape.

“What is your home planet anyway?” Adam asked to distract himself.

“We hail from Planet Fierce!” Gamma stated. Adam rolled his eyes. Planet Fierce. Of course. He was going to fucking kill Neil for that one.

“Sir, while I see no problem in informing the subject of our nature, we have reached the human copulation environment and it is pertinent to carry on with the experiment,” Leo spoke up, gesturing towards a closed metal door which offered no hints of what lay inside.

“Quite right,” Gamma said before stepping forward to swing the door open revealing…A honeymoon suite lovenest straight out of a porno.

The walls were red and fuzzy as was the shag carpeting and everything was set with deep red mood lighting. Right in the center against a heart-shaped headboard was a huge, plush red bed and Adam would bet his ass that it was a waterbed.

And lying stretched out naked in the center of that waterbed was of course…Tommy, complete with fuck me eyes.

“Ready to experiment big boy?”

Chapter Text

It wasn’t like Adam was even really SHOCKED at this point. He was more to the point he just wanted to get it on and get it over with. Maybe that was the trick to this thing? Get laid and then you can escape from fanfiction land..? Hell, he was willing to try. Especially if it meant getting on a friendlier basis with sexy naked Tommy.

His thought process was interrupted when the aliens felt it appropriate to add a little music. Really intense stereotypical porno music* to be exact. Adam really wanted to know what exactly kind of research these aliens had done to perfect this “environment”.

“So…Are you gonna just stand there or are you gonna come fuck me?” Tommy asked, somehow positioning his body to look like even more of an invitation. And Adam really didn’t have it in him to say no. If he ignored the aliens that he knew were watching, this really wasn’t too shabby of a situation to be in. It was a little cheesy but hey, Adam had always wanted to star in his own porno. Complete with mood lighting and music.

“Oh baby, I am gonna fuck you,” Yes, THIS was a performance he could get behind. No guilt or shame would dare intrude right now.

“Then how about you get naked and get to it babe,” Tommy winked. Adam didn’t waste any more time and grinned as he began to strip down, making it as much of a striptease as he could, stalking over to the bed and crawling over Tommy, pressing their naked bodies together.

He planted a dirty, messy kiss onto Tommy’s mouth, twining their tongues together in the slowest slide he could manage. He could feel the way Tommy’s body moved under him, the feel of his hard-on against Adam’s. Tommy latched his hands around Adam’s neck, one clutching at his hair as Adam moved his mouth down to Tommy’s neck.

Adam let his own hands work their way down Tommy’s back and rested on the curve of his ass, kneading the flesh between his fingers.

“God, you have no idea… how good it feels to do this,” Adam murmured, with a gasp as Tommy started working his mouth over Adam’s nipple.

“Mmhmm, I’ll bet it does,”

“No, really. You have NO idea,” Adam insisted. Fuck aliens. Fuck alternate universes. Right now, all he wanted was to have one teeny tiny break to just…fuck.

Adam surged upwards so as to flip him and Tommy over. He held himself up on his elbows just staring at Tommy’s face. Tommy took that as a cue to lick his lips as his eyes darkened. Ok, yes Adam acknowledged that this was weird, but still, come one. That was one helluva hot image. He was just missing…one thing.


“Yeah baby?”

“Um, where are condoms and lube?” Adam asked.

“I think there’s a side table over there,” Tommy gestured with his head to the left of the bed. Adam leapt up and began inspecting the contents only to feel another weird little wormhole surge begin

“Oh FUCK no!” He shouted in protest, “No! No! No! I LIKE this universe!” He insisted wrapped his hand around the heart headboard in a vain attempt to stay.

The next thing he knew he felt himself plopped down in a different bedroom or…dorm room this time? Yes, it appeared to be a college dorm room.

“FUCK YOU!” Adam shouted up to the sky, “Seriously…FUCK. YOU,” he huffed out a sigh before admitting that there point in moping about.

Once he settled down, Adam came to the quick conclusion that he was still naked…only a very different body awaited his eyes now.

“Oh. My. God,” he was a fucking CHICK.

Seriously, a CHICK. What people messed up in their minds would force him to become a WOMAN. Adam Lambert was not a woman. Despite very insulting claims, Adam Lambert did not want to be a woman. He was very happy with his manhood, thank you very much.

And yet here he was…female. He had tits, absurdly big tits. His hips were curvy and his hair was long and going all the way down his back and worst of all…he had no dick. His dick, his balls. They were all gone.

And in their place, he had some confusing situation that he had no intention of inspecting at any moment in the near future.

“Adam! Are you there?” A voice called from behind the door. Adam quickly surged up and ducked under the blankets of one of the beds, hiding his female nakedness.

“Um, yeah!”

“Oh good!” the voice replied before the door swung open to reveal a figure that was clearly Tommy. But at the same time, very clearly not male.

“Oh god,” Adam groaned, “Not LESBIANS,”



Chapter Text

‘Not that there’s anything wrong with lesbians!’ Adam quickly thought, ‘I like lesbians! Just not BEING one!’

“Hey babe,” Tommy, or Tammy or Tommi or whatever, said, while he-she- began unpacking a backpack. Adam had to admit, Tommy made a very cute girl. She had a slim frame, small chest and pretty much the same hair as boy Tommy. She had even poutier red lips and wore snug skinny jeans and a black band T-shirt. If it weren’t for the more feminine features and ever so slight curves to the body, Adam almost wouldn’t be able to tell the difference. Not like Adam’s Amazonian new frame. No way anyone was fucking confusing that.

Tommy eventually peeked up after she’d finished unpacking. She looked over to where Adam was buried under the covers with a worried expression.

“Adam, are you okay?” Tommy asked, his-HER- voice feminized as well, and moved a hand to rest on Adam’s shoulder. Adam hurriedly tucked the covers up even more.

“Um, I don’t feel very well,” He said before he suddenly realized something, “Wait, you called me Adam?” Tommy laughed.

“Of course! I always call you Adam. You’re way too butch for me to call you Amanda don’t you think? You’ve been meaning to shave your head for months now,” Tommy added.

Huh, that…actually sounded like something a lesbian girl Adam would do…

“Why haven’t I?” he asked and Tommy’s smile grew dark and she bit her lip.

“Cause I love pulling on it so much when you’re giving it to me,” she whispered into Adam’s ear. Adam’s eyes grew wide but Tommy pulled away with a laugh

“You said you feel bad?” she asked.

“Yeah…headache,” Adam nodded and tried to look sickly

“Want me to make you feel better baby?” Tommy said in a husky voice. Normally that proposal would have Adam leaping for joy, but now it only gave him panic. He was not mentally prepared for lesbian sex right now.

‘Think Adam! Think!’

“Uh, I’m on my period!” He quickly said. That ought to get him out of any sex right? Unless girl Tommy was into that kind of thing…Adam shuddered.
However girl Tommy didn’t look turned on; she actually looked a little pissed.

“Adam…if you’re not in the mood you could’ve just told me! I know you had your period last week. You made me get you chocolate at one in the morning remember?” she put her hands on her hips and glared accusingly at Adam.

“Oh,” Damn! These writers were determined for Adam to have lesbian sex, “Um, sorry?” Adam tried to look contrite. Tommy sighed.

“It’s okay if you’re not feeling up to it babe, really. But you can you at least take care of me. I’m so horny and I’ve been thinking out you all day,” she whined, snuggling up to Adam on the bed, “You can’t expect me to see you naked in bed and not want you,” she looked up to meet Adam’s eyes with desperation, pouting those lips out even further. There was no way in hell Adam could say no to that face.

“Okay baby. I’ll take care of you,” he relented and Tommy practically squealed in delight.

Ok, he could do this. He’s had sex with a woman before. He knows the basics of how it works. Tongues, fingers, it’s not that different really. Except for that one little thing that was missing…

Tommy quickly grabbed him by his hair and pulled him in for a kiss. And yes, this definitely hadn’t changed. Adam could kiss Tommy all day.

However, Tommy clearly had other intentions. She was just as cuddly as regular Tommy and had wandering hands. Those hands ended up all over Adam’s boobs, gently pulling at his nipples and wow, okay, that felt much better than Adam imagined it would. He couldn’t restrain a whine as Tommy stopped playing with him to strip down herself.

Once, she was naked she began twining her legs together with Adam’s, rubbing off on his thigh.

“Starting to feel better baby? A little more in the mood?” she challenged

“Yeah…I’m getting there,” and he really was oddly enough. He had never denied that he appreciated female beauty; it just didn’t get him excited in THAT way. But girl Tommy was pushing all his right buttons and the arousal he felt in this body was different and sparking all along his nerves. He couldn’t stop the moaning sounds that escaped as Tommy went back to his boobs, this time with her tongue.

“I-I thought I was supposed to be taking care of you?” Adam asked, somewhat unwillingly.

“Mm, watching you fall apart does take care of me baby…” Tommy moaned, “And I’ll make sure we get to that, don’t you worry baby,”

Adam finally just let go and let his head fall back against the pillow as Tommy continued licking his chest. Adam wasn’t sure how to feel now that it seemed the only sex he was going to have in fanfiction world was damn lesbian sex. On one hand, he seriously missed his dick and all the joy it normally brought him. On the other, this really didn’t feel half bad.

It turns out he didn’t need to worry about because the second Tommy got up, presumably to get a dildo or a strap-on or something, Adam was sucked into the bed.

Of fucking course.