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Loving Aizawa

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Title: "Loving Aizawa"

Author: Sashocirrione

Spoilers: MAJOR Spoilers for everything up to everything up to chapter 58 of the manga and episode 25 of the anime.

Warnings: NO UNDERAGE READERS. Rated M for sexual thoughts, character deaths and domestic abuse.

Summary: L struggles in secret with an attraction he has to Aizawa.

Pairing: LxAizawa

Additional Notes: This fic should be entirely canon-compatible; it is an "it could have happened behind the scenes" kind of fic. Where the manga and anime are different, it tends to align more with the manga but there's some of each. Because I am trying to deviate as little as possible from what actually happened in canon, the small amounts of dialogue in this fic are extremely close to the anime's and manga's dialogue from two key scenes.

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note, and I do not make any money from these writings.

L couldn't help being impressed during his first in-person meeting with the task force. It was a reluctant kind of admiration that took hold and slowly grew in his mind during the days afterward, until it had become a fully-formed desire, no longer subtle or unconscious.

It was Aizawa who had inflamed L's mind. Aizawa was the rebellious one. Aizawa was the only cop of those who came to the in-person meeting who openly questioned L, challenging his authority and making L prove himself to everyone.

Perhaps the others were thinking similar things, but Aizawa came right out with accusations; unafraid, uncowed. L liked it.

People who followed orders without question were useful, L knew, but people who could think for themselves and did not simply accept everything they were told, those people were worthy of respect. There was a tremendous difference between the two types of people.

Aizawa was such a person. None of the others stood out as anything other than typical cops. Soichiro was too busy being a leader to the rest of the group and worrying about his son to do anything else, Ukita and Mogi obeyed everything meekly and promptly, and Matsuda was the emotional, idiotic, idealistic one. Everyone else was predictable, but Aizawa was something more.

Aizawa tugged at L's mind, drawing his thoughts again and again. It was a little unsettling. L found himself calculating exactly how much attention he spent on each task force member, and carefully making sure that his mental focus on Aizawa would not become evident.

That first meeting was only the start of months spent in close company, often working with the men from early in the morning until late at night. L came to know everyone on the task force quite well, to become very comfortable with them, to have them grow almost into a little surrogate family. It was odd, an experience he'd never had before. Being in the same room with those he gave orders to... it was a source of constant little surprises and often felt unbalancing.

He took more comfort in his sweets than before, always needing to have something in front of him to fiddle with, though he grew thinner, perhaps from the unrelenting stress of his longest unsolved case and all the thinking power he was pouring into it. L also crouched in on himself more closely, never sprawling loosely or splaying out one leg as he sometimes did when entirely on his own. He was hyper-aware of the physical presence of others who were not Watari, who were not trusted. Their nearness sparked his paranoia and kept his brain fueled with speculations.

There was plenty of time for bonding during the months when there were no new leads. They interacted daily as they continued to fruitlessly investigate Naomi Misora's disappearance and compile statistics about Kira's murders, while L waited for the school year to begin in April, so that he could attend college alongside Light Yagami.

Over those months, what had been alarming to begin with became quite familiar and expected. Sometimes L found himself with strange pangs in his chest when the task force went home for the night and he was left in darkened rooms, staring at glowing screens that doubtless contained clues he had yet to fully understand. After a little study of his mind, L decided that these were pangs of loneliness. When only Watari was present, it was not enough. Something had shifted profoundly in L's equilibrium.

But it was always Aizawa who held the central place in L's mind. As those months went by, L admired Aizawa's intelligence for continuing to challenge him at so many turns, for refusing to simply accept his decisions, for requiring him to explain and justify every step of his logic. And yet, it wasn't mindless insubordination. Aizawa was never rebellious unless he believed he had a valid reason. Once the chain of logic had been outlined for him, he always accepted it, but until it was, he refused to move forward.

It was during those months that the dreams about Aizawa started. In his mind, L tried to blame the dreams on the close quarters they were sharing, on the stress of the job, and on the immense exhaustion and frustration that had come from his longest unsolved case. But even he had to admit to himself that he didn't have such dreams about any other task force member.

The dreams were almost exactly the same every time. It would start with a very absorbing conversation, one in which L felt as if he were truly getting to know Aizawa's heart and soul. There would be moments during the conversation when their hands touched accidentally and Aizawa lingered a bit as L shivered. Eventually, Aizawa would admit that he planned to leave his wife and that he was terribly lonely.

L would comfort him, telling him reassuring things that provoked smiles, clumsily patting his shoulders, and soon those caresses would evolve into awkward, needy kisses. Each time, the progression of events was the same.

After that, the next stage of the dream would arrive quickly, the two of them ending up in bed, pressing their hot bodies together as L was completely taken over by his urgent sense of arousal, by the instinct to press bare skin against bare skin with nothing in the way, methodically stripping the man underneath him. Every time, Aizawa was gloriously unresisting, needing more, wanting more, responding enthusiastically to each touch of L's hands or lips, begging him. And, always, always, Aizawa let himself be penetrated, and L reveled in the warmth inside Aizawa, thrusting in again and again in a growing frenzy, until at last L climaxed himself awake.

He never knew what to think about it when he woke up in mid-orgasm, arching his back, clutching the sheets, emptying into his underwear and then recovering from the jolt of pleasure, only to lie there in the silence and feel that sticky evidence of his passions slowly cooling and chilling him. Aizawa was married. Aizawa was almost certainly heterosexual. Aizawa didn't seem to show any hint of interest.

There were so many reasons to not say anything about it, to not pursue Aizawa, to keep the relationship professional.

Any confession would be pointless, nothing more than an embarrassment and an obstacle on the case, and it would also ruin the fantasy once and for all. If L never said anything, then the fantasy could remain perfect, unsoiled, for his repeated private enjoyment.

He thought he could hide his attraction forever, making sure it affected nothing, but it didn't turn out exactly that way.

When Ukita died outside of Sakura TV, it was an unexpected twist, an unsettling part of a very unsettling night. L hadn't predicted anything like that could happen. He'd been so certain Kira needed a name that it was a shock to see Ukita dead and to wonder what had gone so very wrong.

L had almost tuned out the conversations of Aizawa and Matsuda behind him, his gaze fixed on Ukita's prone form, his mind racing to try to make some sense of it. Had Light possessed the power to kill with only a face all along? Had the identities of the task force members been leaked?

But then Aizawa's angry exclamation of, "Ukita! Damn it! Kira did this!" and the sound of his footsteps pounding across the room had brought L's attention fully to him, to thinking of what Aizawa would do next, of how Aizawa could easily walk right into the same trap and die.

"Mr. Aizawa!"

It sounded too alarmed, too judgmental to L's ears.

He dropped his voice, trying to make it gentler, and added, "Where are you going?"

"Where do you think? I've got to go there!"

Aizawa was as rebellious as always, and this time L's heart sank within him to hear it. This wasn't the right time for Aizawa to be like this. It wasn't good at all.

Aizawa could die.

It was the most horrible feeling.

"Aizawa, please, think about this rationally."

"What? You want me to just sit here and watch TV?"

Certainly irrational. Caught up in his emotions. He has to be convinced.

"Aizawa, if this truly is the work of Kira, you'll just meet the same fate if you go there."

"You told us that Kira couldn't kill without a name, so how could this happen?"

Every word was a blazing accusation that sank deep into L, sank deep and hurt. It was true. He'd been wrong or he'd overlooked some clue, and Ukita had died. He hadn't protected them. A simple order for Ukita to not show his face at Sakura TV could have saved him, if L had only known to give that order.

It was the first justifiable scolding that L had ever received in his life, and it was Aizawa who was giving it. Why did it have to be him? L wanted to curl up and die from shame.

Ukita died. I can't let anyone else die too. I was wrong about what would keep them safe.

L didn't know what to say. He gnawed his lip and stared at the screen still showing Ukita, trying to think.

Matsuda interrupted with, "The aliases and fake police IDs are useless! What are we going to do, L? You don't think Kira has all our names already, do you?"

Matsuda's face was earnest and worried. Aizawa's was very angry.

L said, "That's a definite possibility. However, if that were the case you'd think it would be easier for him to kill off the entire task force before making a move. Initially, I deduced that Kira needed both a name and a face to kill, but from what we've just seen, I'd say it's not entirely impossible that Kira can kill with only a face. All I know for sure is that Kira is watching in a place where he can see everyone who enters the building. Perhaps-"

Aizawa flung his arms wide and shouted, "If Kira is in the area, isn't that why we should get down there?"

"For all we know, he could have just placed surveillance cameras. If we rush down there unprepared, all of us will be killed-"

Aizawa lurched forward and grabbed L's shoulder hard, pulling him halfway out of his seat.

He shouted, "L, wasn't it you who said we'd have to risk our lives to catch Kira?"

L didn't want Aizawa to touch him like that, grabbing his shoulder in anger and yelling at him for a failure in logic that had led to a team member's death. It was intolerable.

Trying to keep his voice even, L said, "I know what I said but, risking my life to catch Kira and doing something I know will cost me my life are two entirely different things."

Aizawa is almost completely blinded by his emotions. I must get through to him.

Aizawa yelled, "Oh, Yeah?"

And then broke off.

L could feel why Aizawa had stopped talking. It was the shaking, running through his body. He gripped his legs fiercely, trying to stop it but it wouldn't stop. It was simply too much. To see a companion die and then to be touched by Aizawa, touched in anger and accused, while having to listen to Aizawa's illogical ranting about throwing his own life away, it was more than L could handle.

The shaking was in his voice too, when L said, "Please control yourself. We've lost Ukita. I understand you want to go there but..."

And then L said it. He admitted his love. His weak and foolish love.

"But, if something were to happen to you as well, Aizawa..."

He was still shaking. He couldn't stop shaking until Aizawa had visibly calmed, until it was clear that Aizawa was not about to rush down to the TV station and die.

There was no reaction to his admission of love. Other than calming down, Aizawa had done nothing, said nothing out of the ordinary. It had been brushed off.

Later, while pondering it after the immediate emergencies had settled down, L's heart had swelled a bit when thinking that he hadn't been directly rejected.

But then logic kicked in. He chided himself.

Admitting that you care about a co-worker is not such an odd thing, and not necessarily romantic in nature. Admitting that you care whether someone dies when they are in danger of dying is not unusual either. Aizawa does not like me at all, and there is almost no chance that he thinks I made a declaration of romantic attraction to him.

It was increasingly obvious that L's assessment was correct as more time passed. L was sure that Aizawa would have had at least a moment of embarrassment, perhaps even an angry rant, if he'd guessed L's true intent.

In the meantime, things became more dangerous, but it was the only direction to go. Options had become limited and riskier. The Kira video was the perfect excuse to bring Light in to meet certain members of the task force, to ask him for help evaluating the clues and then to use everything he did or said to dig up more clues.

Of course, Mogi and Watari were kept hidden, and Light was told that there were additional task force members being kept out of his view, in case he should find a way to kill all those he'd met. L's heart had wanted him to choose Aizawa as the hidden one, but his logic had resisted. Mogi was the one who was best at trailing without getting seen, and that talent was desperately needed during these times when Kira and the second Kira were trying to meet up.

There was no reason to let personal feelings interfere. Especially when everyone, including Aizawa, would end up dead if Kira won.

Still, it was worrying. Letting Light on the task force, even in such a limited, controlled, highly watched way, it was potentially disastrous.

It was a radical move, strange and unorthodox, L knew, but it was one of the few strategies he had left. If even surveillance was useless to catch Kira in the act, as the five-day round-the-clock videotaping of Light had proven, then there were hardly any remaining tools to use. There was profiling, which L was doing in his personal interactions with Light, but that alone would never prove anything. There was waiting for Light to slip up in some way, but that relied enormously on chance. And then there was this move, inviting Light into the investigation and hoping that it would prove an irresistible temptation for Kira to try something.

And then, L would pounce. The moment that Light tried to destroy evidence or plant false clues or steer the investigation in a certain direction, L would be ready to teach Light exactly how much of a mistake Light had made by joining the task force.

But Light was almost too smart, and he seemed determined to hold out, to avoid doing anything to cause trouble. He always seemed to be just barely a step ahead of L, as if L might catch up at any moment, but somehow L could never close that last bit of distance between them. Sometimes L had doubts, occasionally even strong doubts, about whether Light was truly Kira.

It became obvious that Light was converting the task force into yet another group of his admirers, with his smug smile and charming manners and all the respectability that came from his social position, his father, and his good grades.

Light was a subversive influence, undermining L's authority. It hadn't been until Light showed up in person that L started getting serious questioning and disagreements from task force members other than Aizawa. It was subtle. It was annoying. And it was impossible to say that Light was purposely provoking it, but L could feel the loss of support.

Everyone, except Watari, was beginning to gravitate towards the bright young man with the promising future and the perfect words to say at all times. L was no longer the center of the task force. He could feel the growing insubordination, the increasing alienation, but there was nothing he could really do about it. The task force still obeyed orders; it was only their respect that L had lost. It was hardly an option to send Light away or to fire the task force, as either of those actions would be a defeat. Either action would mean that L would need to discard plans that he'd put quite a bit of time and energy into.

Keeping Light in the task force was still the best way of observing him and evaluating his behavior for clues.

And then it all went strange after Light turned himself in and asked to be locked up, and things stopped making much sense. It all made sense, up to a point, but then events simply became unpredictable and nonsensical. It might be possible that Light and Misa had both been controlled by Kira, which was the easiest way to attempt to impose some order on the new developments, but if that deduction were true then it didn't make sense that Kira hadn't killed both Light and Misa as soon as they were caught.

Logic, usually L's ally, became antagonistic to him and merely led him in circles. And so, it was with a sense of defeat that he ran one last test on Light and Misa to confirm that they did not presently have their powers, and then brought them to live with him in the skyscraper headquarters he'd built to get rid of the trouble of endlessly moving from one hotel suite to the next.

Aizawa had become gruff, angry and distant. He sometimes got excited with his old enthusiasm for the chase, but mostly he seemed worried and burned out. He was having family issues. His wife was upset about his long working hours, when he had a small daughter and a baby at home. He often appeared at work with minor wounds or bruises, where his wife had hit him, and he tried to pass it off jokingly, as something that he deserved.

None of L's attempts to make Aizawa see the issue seriously worked. Aizawa always brushed it off with a laugh, entrenched in his delusions that males couldn't be the victims of domestic abuse.

In the end, it only caused L to be resentful, and to have even more vivid dreams and fantasies about Aizawa finally seeing the light and running away from his wife. The basic script of the sex dreams changed. Now, at least half of them were about a wounded Aizawa, crying on L's shoulders. L would carefully give Aizawa medical attention, bathing and disinfecting the wounds while Aizawa cringed and whimpered under the sure touch of his fingers.

Sometimes L drove Aizawa to the hospital and they consummated their relationship, gently, in a hospital bed after the nurses and doctors had left the room. The progressing, evolving fantasies were maddening next to the stark reality of their relationship not being the slightest bit romantic. They were co-workers, nothing more.

And it hurt. It hurt to see Aizawa's face every day and to not be able to gently cradle it and kiss it. It hurt to deal with his opposition and aggression, with his obstinacy. It hurt to think that Aizawa was risking his life too and might die if anything went wrong.

The day when Soichiro announced that Kira was threatening politicians and the police, and said that everyone who worked for the NPA would be fired if they continued to cooperate with L, was the day that L saw a chance to get rid of all of them.

Aizawa would be safer, and the others, except for Light, weren't really needed any more. The task force had mostly been a ploy to get Light involved, and now that he was involved and the task force showed signs that they'd eventually be trouble, it would be better to get rid of them all. It would be easy to replace them with those who would follow pretty much any orders: people like Aiber and Wedy.

And Aizawa would be safe, or at least somewhat safer. Maybe if he spent a great deal more time with his wife he'd finally realize that he was sick of her.

No, that's completely unrealistic thinking, based on my fantasies. Even if he left her, he would not turn to me. I know this.

L turned away from the knot of men standing there and discussing the issue. Once his back was to them, he felt comfortable enough to speak.

"If you want my opinion, you'd be better off as police officers. I was alone when I started this case, and though I'm grateful to all of you for staying with me as long as you have, I know that I can do this by myself. I started alone and I will finish alone. I'll be sure to visit you at the police station and give you Kira's head as a reward for all that you've sacrificed. I promise you this."

Light said, "Ryuzaki, remember our promise. Until we catch Kira, I'll work beside you."

"That's right. I won't be alone. Light will be with me."

Exactly where I want him if things begin to go badly. Alone and cut off from the defenses that his father and the others would create.

Soichiro did not like the idea of giving up. He began to argue and to try to convince the others to work without pay or to get side jobs to support themselves. Mogi and Matsuda sided with him, but Aizawa was cracking, clearly struggling, and insulted by something completely thoughtless that Matsuda had said.

I only need to crush him a little more, and he'll leave.

L mostly stayed out of the conversation, keeping his back to the men and playing with the cherries in front of him. He even tied some cherry stems together with his tongue, gazing at them wistfully and thinking of what Aizawa was missing. Aizawa would never feel the skill of that talented tongue working on him, kissing him, descending his torso in a series of licks and then bringing him to orgasm.

L's heart felt squeezed, restricted.

Aizawa said, "Please, can't I help in my spare time? I'll work for the police and come here when I can to help you. I'll pass you any information the police get."

"No," L said, "you may pass us information, but once you leave you cannot be allowed any access to our information. It is too dangerous to leave an opportunity for leaks. Do not return here if you remain a police officer."

Aizawa was nearly crying. Soichiro was trying to reassure him by pointing out that a family with young children was very different from a family where the children were nearly grown, but it wasn't working. Aizawa was angry. He began ranting about Ukita's death again, and about how he'd fail Ukita if he quit.

This is it. He can't very well stay here without any income. It looks like I'm not getting rid of the others, but Aizawa will go, and that is worth something. It is good.

Watari interrupted then, talking about the trust fund that had been set up for if any of the task force members lost their jobs.

This could reverse Aizawa's decision, but he's very angry and irrational. There is still an eighty percent chance he'll leave if I push him.

L waited for the right moment.

It came after Matsuda's excited chatter died down, when Aizawa said, "Ryuzaki, I assume you were testing me?"

Soichiro and Matsuda both defended L at once, trying to explain that he wouldn't do that.

L kept his voice completely even and said, "No. I was testing you, Aizawa. I wanted to see which one you would choose."

L didn't turn around, but he could hear Aizawa's breathing becoming louder behind him. He could imagine Aizawa's hands clenched into fists, could imagine the angry look that must be on Aizawa's face.

Aizawa said, "If I wasn't sure before, I am now. I wasn't like you guys. I was leaning towards going back to the police."

Matsuda said, "Aizawa!"

"No," Aizawa said, "this just made me realize something. I've always hated Ryuzaki. I hate the way he is and the way he does things."

Aizawa's steps were moving away, the sound sharp and angry.

L couldn't let it end like that.

Without turning around, L said, "That is too bad. I've always liked you, Aizawa."

Aizawa made a growling sound and said, "I also hate the way that you say things like that with a straight face. You always have to have the last word, don't you? You insult me, and then you say something like that? I'm out of here."

L said, "Thank you for everything," and wondered if those would be his last words to Aizawa.

They were, for a few months. Aizawa showed up again when the car chase with Higuchi ended, and when he tried to follow the others back to headquarters, L didn't stop him. L didn't have the heart to say anything. Instead, Aizawa was back on the team, acting as if he'd never left, and L had to actually work a little to keep his thoughts fully focused on the rapidly unfolding mysteries before him. The notebook, the shinigami, the strange things going on with Light and Misa, it all added up to something, but what?

And, of course, just as suspected, the task force proved to be a liability, with Aizawa and Soichiro belligerently leading the resistance to L's ideas. They forced him to unchain Light and to stop the surveillance on Misa, just when things were getting very dangerous, on the strength of nothing more than an untested rule. L told himself it wasn't that bad, because Light and Misa needed freedom from surveillance in order to make any moves, and it was only in that situation they would become catchable.

But it wasn't good.

When the fight should have been between him and Light, it was instead between him and the task force, a fight to have the task force take his ideas seriously enough to continue with the real investigation, the one that should be centered on Light.

And so, though L had several ideas about how to secretly investigate behind the backs of the task force, he made the biggest mistake of his life, and prioritized proving to the others that Light should be a suspect over actually catching him.

After the shinigami killed Watari, and L deduced this had happened, a part of the back of L's mind knew that he'd fallen, in the literal sense of the word, for Aizawa. He'd let his feelings get in the way. He'd wanted to regain Aizawa's respect. Love had clouded his mind. It was a cursed thing, love.

His own heart attack hit him like a sledgehammer being slammed into the middle of his chest.

Light caught him as he fell. L wanted Aizawa to be the one holding him, but instead it was his enemy, Kira, showing a little secret smile angled away from all of the others in the room. L couldn't speak. The physical pain was too intense.

So I wasn't wrong, but I-

L's mind was hazy, sluggish, his thoughts descending into a stew of wordless sensations. He could feel his brain shutting down fast, the most terrifying feeling he'd ever had in his life.

Yet his last sentiment was still there in the wordless mess his mind had become. If he could have formulated it into words, it would have been:

But I hope Aizawa survives this.

A/N (Author's Note):

This fic was written mainly as two things:

1) A character study of Aizawa

2) A writing experiment about the idea that, if you look for subtle things to support it, you can find some canon support for pretty much any pairing

However, after I'd written a bunch of it, I did poke around on the Death Note kink meme on livejournal to see if there were any requests that I could fulfill with this fic, and there are at least a couple of them. Because the one request seemed to be asking for a seme Aizawa (though I couldn't be sure) and my fic had already been written as uke Aizawa, I decided the closest fit was "A BELIEVABLE uke!Aizawa. Because I don't think it can be done." and so I'm posting it under that request on the new meme at dn_kink2, since the meme moved to dn_kink2 (it used to be at dn_kink).

Aizawa is unusual because he is the only character that L declares he likes without having any obvious motive for trickery. L does call Light his friend, but canon never makes it clear if this is true or not (the "How to Read" canon supplement suggests it is a lie). Furthermore, even within canon, Light suspects L's declaration is false, and it is shown clearly that L has strong motivations to lie about being Light's friend. L's declarations to Misa are similarly suspect because of ulterior motives and because of what the "How to Read" supplement says about it (besides, that was more about innocent!Misa declaring L to be her friend, and not very much about him declaring anything back).

Aizawa is unique. In canon, L declares that he cares about Aizawa, not just once, but twice. This is rather odd behavior for L, and both times that L did it, he did it awkwardly and without any obvious ulterior motive. This suggests that L does truly like Aizawa.

The canon scene where L shakes while Aizawa is touching him and yelling, and then L declares that he would be upset if anything happened to Aizawa, is in episode 11 of the anime (about 7 minutes in) and in the manga it is in chapter 23.

The canon scene where Aizawa tries to justify his wife's beating of him is early in episode 18 of the anime and early in chapter 38 in the manga.

The canon scene where L tests Aizawa, and then L declares he likes Aizawa, is in episode 18 of the anime (about 11 minutes in). In the manga, the event is spread over the end of chapter 39 and the beginning of chapter 40.

I suppose if someone wanted to write epic-length LxAizawa fiction, they could probably base something very profound around those two events where L apparently cares for Aizawa. I have no desire to write anything long, but the soft spot in my heart for rare pairings and crack pairings made me keep thinking about LxAizawa until I wrote this little one-shot.

Personally, I don't feel like Aizawa is the sort of character who could keep my writing attention for anything longer than this. He's a blah kind of character, and this is one of the many reasons why the second half of Death Note was far weaker than the first half: Aizawa took far too large of a role, when he's uninteresting and was obviously designed as a side character.