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TRANSCRIPT OF A CALL FROM SERGEANT ANNA HITCHCOCK TO ROB BENNETT

Machine: Please be aware that all calls are recorded for security purposes. [dial tone]

Hitchcock: Because you’re all nosy fuckers, you mean.

Machine: Just doing our duty, ma’am! Being nosy’s part of the job, innit?

Hitchcock: Get off the line, Rocky.

Bennett: Hi, Rocky!

Machine: Hey, Mr Bennett!

Hitchcock: Don’t fucking encourage him, Rob.

Bennett: Sorry.

Hitchcock: Remind me why I thought that enlisting at the PDCC to train recruits was a good idea?

Bennett: Because your family-

Hitchcock: That was a rhetorical fucking question, Rob. [sighs] I swear to Christ, the next time I get leave, I am going to London and never coming back. If the kaiju do come out of the fucking Atlantic, then so help them I’ll-

Machine: The remainder of this sentence has been redacted for security purposes.

Bennett: [stifled laughter] That bad?

Hitchcock: Worse. Today, I-

Machine: The remainder of this sentence has been redacted for security purposes.

Bennett: Aw, babe, that sounds awful. How, uh, how’s Viva doing?

Hitchcock: [sighs] Ranger Bennett is performing to the expected standard. Don’t tell her I said this, but there’s no way she won’t make the first cut.

Unidentified Subjects: [cheering]

Hitchcock: [silence]

Bennett: [silence]

Hitchcock: Ranger Bennett, if it’s not too much trouble, could you make your way to my office to explain exactly how you and Ms Vavasour managed to tap into my private line? Oh, and before you do that, kindly shove the phone up your-

Machine: The remainder of this sentence has been redacted for security purposes.

EXCERPT FROM SERGEANT ANNA HITCHCOCK’S DIARY MISSION LOG

TO DO LIST
-clean up Mel's shit, how is she even allowed to pilot a several-thousand-ton killing machine
-sign a million bloody forms
-look over the pie charts Saz sent over so she’ll shut up about them
-video conference with Rob and Jellybean
-watch Amber FINALLY break up with Brandon – bring popcorn
-tell Pentecost to fuck off when he comes asking about his requisitions, I'll get to them when his entire fucking team stops being incompetent
-review Holli’s request to bring back the head-butting workshop – actually not a bad idea
-yell at the newest doodledongers the PDCC likes to call recruits
-find Saz a co-pilot

Someday, I’m going to get tired of being right all the time.

Remember Saz Kaur, the shiny new recruit who passed all our tests with flying colours and set six new records, who then couldn’t be paired with anybody in the entire programme because she’s too much of a sarcastic little shit to play nicely with others?

I found her a co-pilot.

Well, two co-pilots: Viva Bennett and Amber Dean. Dean’s hardly the brightest bulb in the box but she’s a decent enough pilot and her compatibility with Bennett is off the fucking charts, so it had to be done. Apparently being best friends from foetushood will do that to you.

But anyway, back to how much of a genius I am.

EXCERPT OF OFFICER HOLLI VAVASOUR’S CHAT LOG

holli: serge
holli: serge
holli: serge
holli: serge
holli: serge
holli: serge
holli: serge
holli: serge
holli: serge
bitchcock: WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK HOLLI
holli: did u get my application
bitchcock:
bitchcock:
bitchcock: This is the FIFTH TIME. I am done being polite about this.
holli: all due respect serge
holli: u werent rly polite b4
bitchcock: You SCRUBBED OUT, Holli. You were god-fucking-awful at all the parts of being a Ranger that don’t involve punching things. Luckily for you we found you a job doing just that, so why don’t you go back to hitting bits of jaeger until they work again and let me get on with averting the fucking apocalypse?
holli:
holli: i’ll take that as a no

holli: hey glitter bomb u seen ur official dolls yet
holli: their fuckin hideous
holli: its amazing
viva: why the fuck does the bennett doll have a weave
saz: WHY IS GLITTER BOMB PINK
amber: it looks preeeeeetttttttyyyyyyy
amber: tho the ones i made were MUCH prettier
amber: remember when i made a brandon doll?
holli: yeah I remember
holli: we set it on fire at the byebye brandon party
amber: ;____________;
amber: i miss him
viva: we know babe
saz: You only remind us, what, every other day? Which is hardly necessary given that we can SEE just how much you miss him when we’re in your head.
holli: lolin @ ur life
saz: So sweet how you can laugh through your jealousy.
holli: yeah lol im well jel
holli: I wish I was out there punching aliens and sharing my brainspace with you three losers
viva: uh huh
saz: Yeaaaaah.
holli: atdgyeygshfgutfgfjfhufhjfhfhyhdjhd
holli: fuck u all
viva: right
viva: all of you, my room, ten minutes
viva: it’s cuddlin’ time
holli: can I bring beer?
amber: can i bring brandon :D?
holli: NO
saz: NO
viva: NO

holli: yo
holli: vivas room in 10
holli: byob mothafucka I aint givin you none of mine
rocky: yessssssssssss
holli: and dont fuckin tell her abt this
holli: I WILL hurt u
rocky: :) :) :) :)

A SERIES OF EMAILS FOLLOWING GLITTER BOMB’S FIRST MISSION

from: anna.hitcock@pdcc.net
to: press@pdcc.net
cc: viva.bennett@pdcc.net, saz.kaur@pdcc.net, amber.dean@pdcc.net
subject: re: congratulations!

Firstly I would like to echo the sentiment of the press department and congratulate you ladies on what an excellent first mission you had and how proud we all are of you etc etc whatever.

Did you all really sit down in a room at one of your fancy fucking meetings and think, ‘Do you know what would be a fantastic idea: Ranger Bennett, Ranger Dean and Ranger Kaur doing interviews on live television?’ Did that seriously happen? I thought your job was to avert international crises, not cause them. My mistake.

Aggressively kind regards,
Sergeant Anna Hitchock

from: press@pdcc.net
to: anna.hitchcock@pdcc.net
cc: viva.bennett@pdcc.net, saz.kaur@pdcc.net, amber.dean@pdcc.net
subject: re: re: congratulations!

Hi Anna!

This whole thing was actually my idea, so please do direct your consternation towards me and not the rest of the department. In my defence, the programme could definitely do with the good publicity, and I felt it was only prudent to take advantage of Glitter Bomb’s rising popularity, particularly Viva’s. Her JaegerModel™ dolls are sold out everywhere, as a certain member of the department, who will remain nameless, discovered when they tried to purchase one yesterday.

But of course, if you don’t think it’s a good idea, we’ll cancel their upcoming appearances. We defer to you in all things, Anna.

Kindest regards,
Tyler Blaine

from: anna.hitchcock@pdcc.net
to: press@pdcc.net
cc: viva.bennett@pdcc.net, saz.kaur@pdcc.net, amber.dean@pdcc.net
subject: re: re: re: congratulations!

Oh hi there Tyler,

I suppose I can see where you’re coming from, and it might not be too much of a disaster if we make Viva do all the talking. She’s the least likely to put her foot in her mouth, bless her. Though, for the love of Christ, nobody let Amber or Saz anywhere near a microphone.

Anna

TRANSCRIPT OF A CALL FROM OFFICER RACHANJEET “ROCKY” KAPOOR TO RANGER VIVA BENNETT

Machine: Please be aware that all calls are recorded for security purposes. [dial tone]

Bennett: Rocky? I can’t really talk right now, I have to-

Rocky: Yeah, yeah, I know, sorry. I just wanted to say that I saw the interview you guys did the other day and, I mean, you looked good- [coughs] but yeah, totally wasn’t cool the way they, like, objectified you and shit.

Bennett: [sighs] Thanks, Rocky.

Rocky: And it wasn’t cool when I said the thing about watching you all do each other because that was, um, disrespecting your relationship and lesbian relationships in general. Even though you’re not lesbians. Not that it would be bad if you was lesbians. But you get me, yeah? I’m sorry.

Bennett: ...has Holli been yelling at you about feminism again?

Rocky: Nah, nah, I just really respect you as an individual and-

Bennett: [laughs]

Rocky: She’s really scary when she’s angry, okay? And I am sorry.

Bennett: Well then, apology accepted. But I really do have to go, Bitchcock’s already gonna want our heads on a platter because of the whole cussing the interviewer instead of answering his sexist questions thing.

Rocky: [hushed] Look, you didn’t hear this from me, but I’m pretty sure Anna’s got your back on this one.

Bennett: [silence]

Bennett: You do know this whole conversation is being recorded for some poor sod to later transcribe, yeah?

Rocky: [laughs] Yeah, ’cos that poor sod’s usually me. Don’t worry, no one ever reads these things. Well, except Sergeant Jeffries, but he stopped pretty soon after he realised it’s mostly Anna and your dad having phone-

Bennett: If you ever want to be at least friends with me again, don’t finish that sentence.

Rocky: ...at least friends?

Bennett: Ugh, you know what I mean. Goodbye, Rocky.

Rocky: [laughs] See y’around, Badges.