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And Then There Was More Impressively-Choraeographed Sex (the 'but *somebody* wasn't invited' remix)

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The Doctor claimed it was a fault in the internal time field that dragged them all to the TARDIS on what was, for a surprising sixty-seven percent of them, an otherwise ordinary Thursday. Even if Romana hadn't pushed her way past the Doctor to the bridge and proceeded to conclusively prove that no such fault existed, however, none of his present or former companions would have bought his story for a second.

"I need your help to fight some Daleks?" said the Doctor, hopefully, to the audience of his many friends assembled in the lounge.

Tegan rolled her eyes. "Pull the other one, Doctor."

"I had thought a nice adventure..."

"I remember thinking once that we might be on an adventure ye could call 'nice,'" said Jamie, a trifle mournfully, "but it was an optical illusion."

"Ah. Right. Would you believe I've found this lovely alien vista..."

There was an audible groan from all corners of the room. The Doctor was a nice enough sort of person to spend time with, generally speaking, they all agreed on that. Life on the TARDIS was certainly never boring. But the most generous of observers could have done without one or two of his more peculiar peculiarities.

"I've seen your alien vista, Martian boy," said Donna. "I wasn't impressed."

"Neither was I," sighed the Brigadier.

"Purest accident," said the Doctor, dismissively. "Mere mischance. Living together in a very small space...well, small-ish...on the outside...these things will occasionally..."

"You can't claim it was an accident in my case, Doctor," said Harry. "You aren't going to try to convince me you need another 'full physical analysis,' are you?"

"You fell for that one too, huh?" asked Grace, with a commiseratory glance.

"Well, occasionally, a Time Lord does need..." the Doctor tried.

"We all know all about your needs, Doctor," interrupted Jack, shaking his head. "I thought I'd really have to try with you. Boy, was I on the wrong track."

"If anything, it requires a good deal of trying to persuade him to keep such things to himself," said Victoria, primly.

"I'm not sure it can be done at all," added Polly.

"Just so we're all clear on this," said Turlough, "let's have a show of hands. Anyone in this room not seen the Doctor's cock?"

There was a conspicuous lack of movement among the assembled companions. The Doctor began to raise his own hand, and hastily lowered it again.

"I do not possess hands," K-9 pointed out. "But the matter is irrelevant, as I have collected the visual data in question."

"And having had that unique experience," said Adam, disdainfully, "any of you actually screw him?"

"That's a terribly personal..." the Doctor began, his voice squeaking. He was cut off by Leela's sniff.

"He was always very much interested is such activity," she said, "but I sleep with my knife in my hand."

"You can all stop looking at me," said Peri.

"And me too," put in Rose, a moment later.

"I think we can all safely assume the reason we were brought here today, then?" asked Sarah Jane.

"It doesn't take a rocket scientist," said Zoe, rather sadly. "The Doctor I knew never gave up, no matter the odds."

"S'not even a very good seduction, is it? All this booze just lying around," said Ace, eying an untouched beer bottle with distaste. "You used to be subtle, Professor."

"And a gentleman," put in Ian, sharing a look with Barbara as they both shook their heads. "When it suited you, at any rate."

"I don't think you'll get many of us to fall in with your little plan, Doctor," said Ben. "You don't get us all out of our clothes that easy."

"Now we're all here, though," said Jack, winking at Jo, "it seems a pity to let a perfectly good orgy go to waste."

There was a moment of silence, during which the assembled companions considered Jack's perfectly sensible statement, and the Doctor perked up considerably. "In that case..."

"You're not staying, Doctor," says Steven.

"Certainly not," agreed Romana.

"You can't very well stay while I'm here, Grandfather," said Susan, reasonably. "And anyway, you owe me this one. Always trying to steal my boyfriends back on Gallifrey, and scaring them all away. You run along and have a nice little nap, you must need it at your age. I promise, I'll be a wonderful hostess to all your friends."

"But..." spluttered the Doctor.

"Hands off the braces, Doctor," said Jamie, severely. "I'll thank ye to keep those trousers on for once."

"But..." said the Doctor again.

"Kamelion, take care of him, won't you?" asked Vicki, sweetly.

It was difficult to say precisely what Kamelion transformed himself into. It was certainly something very large, with hands to match, more than capable of lifting the Doctor by the scruff of his neck and carying him off down the nearest corridor. The occasional "But!" sounded ever more faintly, until the door closed behind them.

An enormous number of half-empty tumblers, bottles, glasses, mugs and steins appeared suddenly from behind a multitude of backs. "And here he'll even be thinking it was all his idea," said River, reaching up to clink glasses with the Ponds, and managing a quick grope at Rory's backside in the very same movement. "Bless."

"We should make a regular event of these little gatherings," announced Nyssa, already pulling off her shirt. "Do alternate Thursdays work for everyone?"

"I think it would be wise to slow down a bit, Nyssa," said Adric, over his shoulder, as he watched Jack successfully undressing two Romanas at once. "Why don't we see how this...gathering goes, first."

"Do us all a favor, mate," said Mickey, leaning his elbow on Adric's shoulder, and watching as Nyssa reached behind her for the clasp of her bra, "don't tell the lady to slow down at a moment like this, yeah?"

"Moved and seconded," put in Mel, smiling down at Dodo, who was pulling at her boots.

"I have a feeling," said Liz, smiling at Martha as she slipped an arm around her waist, "that this is going to be a wonderful night."