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We Are Six -- in Space (The Department Six Remix)

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Spaceman Spiff peers around the corner. Another mission for Department Six and failure is not an option. No Zogs. Good. He pulls his Atomic Blaster out of it's holster just in case, and carefully makes his way down the corridor. This spaceship is huge and Skiff knows there are Zogs lurking around every corner.

He pushes open a door marked in a funny alien script and scrambles up the stairs on his stomach, blaster at the ready. The control panel is on the eleventh level and he has to get there before he is spotted or else the Zogs will kill him horribly. He hopes his companion has made it this far, but fears the worst.

Creeping through the door, he spots a girl Zog. Ick.

"Hello I am me ELOISE"

He doesn't understand her language at all. So he calls his companion on the space-radio to warn him. "Valiant Spaceman Spiff has been spotted by a Zog!"

But the Zog girl pulls out her own Atomic Blaster and motions him to follow, so he decides she must be a fellow Department Six operative in a clever disguise. He follows her down the long corridor, shooting at stray Zogs.

She knows all the best hiding places, store rooms and trolleys. Fleeing an unexpected attack, they take the space elevator down and she leads him through rooms with mysterious purposes. One strange alien named Bill (not a Zog but maybe one of their co-conspirators) threatens them with his weapon. They run through a door seeking a place to rest and recover before the Zogs find them again, but it is not to be.

ELOISE knows where there is a space communicator device, so Spaceman Spiff follows her to the lowest level. It doesn't work. But Spaceman Spiff knows how to repair it with paper cups and string, so all would have been well if the Martians would just answer their phone.

Instead they raid the galley seeking food, but there is only food for Zogs there, not Spacemen or their assistants. And it's been a long time since Spaceman Spiff has heard from his partner.

He tries to call him on the space-radio but there's no answer, but ELOISE has contacts on the ship and she says she'll check with them. Spaceman Spiff can't because he doesn't speak their language. But it's clear from the way ELOISE is shaking her head that his partner has not been seen.

This is good, because it means that so far he's escaped capture.

ELOISE leads Spaceman Spiff into the deepest dungeons to see if his partner is there, but their blasters are no use against the locks on the door. Even Stupendous Man is no help, possibly because his cape and cowl were stolen by the Zogs.

Spaceman Spiff decides that to find Hobbes he needs to turn into a detective. So he does.

He tries out his interview techniques on ELOISE. "Are there any cats in the building?" But she is silly and doesn't know that tigers are cats and goes on and on about this dog named Weenie that looks like a cat and Detective Spiff gets bored and wanders off to look for clues but ELOISE follows him and turns out to be very good at looking in plants and under rugs and peering through open doors. But she also insists that they're orphans and asks everyone for fruit. Detective Spiff doesn't understand ELOISE, but he supposes that's what dames are like. In detective stories girls are all dames.

He decides that Hobbes must be on the seventh floor after finding a clue under the rug that looks sort of like a seven, so they go up in the elevator and he starts banging on doors and asking everyone who answers if they've seen a tiger. For some reason people start yelling at them.

After several threats to call the authorities, Detective Spiff and ELOISE decide that it would be better if they left, so Detective Spiff suggests they start at the top and work their way down.

And there Hobbes is. While they've been starving to death, he's been sitting in the lap of luxury having tea and raisins with Nanny and Weenie and a turtle called Skipperdee (who are clearly Department Six support staff), which Detective Skiff doesn't think is fair. At least until he gets some of the pastries and a big mug of chocolate milk.

Then there are backs to scratch and the tiger song to sing. All eight verses and another for good luck.

"We tried to buy a Siberian Tiger in Moscow," ELOISE tells Hobbes, "but they were sold out."

She was doing it wrong. "You were doing it wrong. You can't buy tigers." Spiff glares at her warningly. Hobbes could be mean when he got angry.

"Why not, please and thank you?" She's still speaking that strange dialect, but he's starting to pick it up.

"You have to capture them, with rope and bait."

"Tigers like tuna fish," Hobbes offers. He looks hungry.

To Spiff's relief, ELOISE gets on the communicator. "Hello, this is me ELOISE and would you kindly send two dozen fresh dolphin-friendly tuna fish sandwiches on white not rye and a napkin to the top floor and charge it please. Thank you very much."

Spiff doesn't get all of that, but as long as there are tuna fish sandwiches coming, everything will be okay. "What's that pigeon doing there?"

"It's a stooge for the Zogs." Eloise draws her atomic blaster and Spaceman Spiff does the same. With Hobbes' (and Nanny's and Weenie's but not Skipperdee's) help, they finally manage to scare Stooge away. Who knew what he'd overheard.

But it takes a very long time and it isn't helped by Hobbes deserting them when the tuna fish sandwiches arrive. Spaceman Spiff is going to have to have a talk with his partner about priorities. Again.

To punish him, Spaceman Spiff builds a Brain-Displace-a-Tron out of spare parts and switches Hobbes brain with ELOISE's. Suddenly ELOISE can roar really loud, but Nanny isn't happy about the loudness, so Spaceman Spiff swaps Hobbes brain with Nanny's instead. This surprises Nanny, but she says she likes stripes, and Hobbes likes his corset (whatever that is) so all is well.

"CALVIN!" A woman yells in the corridor. It takes Spaceman Spiff a moment to remember that that's his secret identity.

"That's my mom." Spaceman Spiff frowns.

"CALVIN!" This time it's a man's voice.

"That's my dad."

"CALVIN!" That sounds like more than two people. That isn't good at all.

"That's me." Spaceman Spiff glares at the door. Why do they have to spoil everything?

"How do you do?" ELOISE says and then, "Au revoir."

Spaceman Spiff still doesn't understand her language but she's been a good ally in the war against the Zogs. "See ya." And then he and Hobbes are dragged off to the elevator.

It isn't until he's back in the hotel room being lectured that he remembers that he never swapped Hobbes and Nanny's brains back. But at least the effects only last a half hour.

Spaceman Spiff wonders if ELOISE will still be around tomorrow. They never did get the Zogs.