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Sloganize Me - A Drabble Collection

Chapter Text

"Don't tell me."

"What?"

"You insisted on getting tested just because you wanted to..."

"Bareback?" Britt grinned. "Nah, dude, it's totally the smart thing to do anyway. I'm all about safety."

Kato covered his face with a hand. "Did you have to ask Lenore to book it? It was humiliating."

"Okay, let's wrap up this tangent and get back to my original question. Strawberry or chocolate flavor lube?"

"I don't know, what would Lenore say?"

"Hold on." Britt reached for his iPhone, got it knocked out of his hand and got wrestled down on the bed.

They went with strawberry.

Chapter Text

Lenore watched open-mouthed as the three little balls floated above the complicated table on air pressure vents and invisible string. "Guys, you can't keep this in the house."

"Why not?" Britt said, flicking controls. "It's awesome. Best table Quidditch game I've ever seen."

"You've seen others?"

"Well, Kato's Mark 1."

"Kato, you can't. People are going to see it and want to know why you're an executive assistant when you should be winning toy design awards." 

Kato shrugged, but looked pleased. 

"Apply for a patent and sell it. For now, put it away."

"Yes, Mom," Britt said, scoring 20 points.

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"What's a pretty lady like you going to do with a thing like this?" said Cee, giving the blonde behind the sunglasses one of his best smiles. Smiling helped when you were in the business of selling illegal things for heaps of money.

"Stick it up my ass," the woman snapped. "What do you think?"

Cee held up his hands in supplication. "None of my business. Might void the warranty it don't have anyway, but..."

"As long as it works." She slipped the electronic jammer into her purse and handed over the cash. His own fault for asking questions anyway.

Chapter Text

Maya had been patient. It had been, what, a day? Two? How long until they started raping her? 

The rope had burned grooves into her wrists. Sometimes she yanked her arms just to feel it sting, stop her mind wandering.

When the gunfire started in the next room, she broke down. Now she knew she was going to die.

It became quiet. 

Steps. The door opened. For a second she thought she recognized the shape at the door, the voice that whispered, "Jesus," but it was just another cartoon villain. Maya fainted.

She woke up hours later in the hospital.

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"Is it just me or are you up to something?" Britt asked Lenore after the fifth time she'd got him and Kato stranded alone together with just one blanket and a condom packet. It hadn't been easy getting off all those desert islands.

Lenore rubbed her temples. "Why isn't it working? You guys clearly want to do each other."

Britt was taken aback. "We do?"

"Desperately. I figured, not dating outside the group is a sensible security measure--"

"Him too?" Britt looked pleased.

Lenore pointed in the direction of the garage. "Go. Find out."

Britt went.

Lenore sighed. "Finally."

Chapter Text

Clean sheets enveloped Britt, but he wouldn't have known them from straw. His body was shutting down. It had been that kind of 48 hours. 

He was vaguely aware of someone's weight unbalancing the mattress, before all went dark. Consciousness returned for a short muddy moment to tell him his shoes were being pulled off. 

The next thing he knew, he was blinking away white morning light, still half-dressed from the day before. Kato was breathing evenly next to him, not two inches away.

Did we win? Britt asked himself. 

Yes. They had.

He closed his eyes. All right then.

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"Okay, god, take her!" Cee cried, covering his face with his arms. He was on his knees on the floor among broken glass.

"Her?" asked the Green Hornet.

His accomplice held a gun on Cee's head. "We're here because you sold counterfeit wares to our people. Weapons, heroin. Put us in danger."

"We should give him to the cops," said the Hornet conversationally. "There's enough here for 20 to life."

"Please."

"I'd rather shoot his brains out."

Pain exploded in the back of Cee's head.

"That should do." Britt watched the man sink unconscious on the floor. "Let's find her."

Chapter Text

Marcia squinted Kato's retreating back through the morning light. She'd just emerged from the bedroom to find the breakfast already set at the poolside. "What's he, a live-in servant?" 

Britt nearly spat out his coffee. "What, no! Kato's my, uh. Executive assistant?" 

"You have a live-in executive assistant?"

"More like a play-in. He likes to use the garage."

"And brings you coffee?" 

"He makes great coffee!"

"You're so weird." She sat in his lap and bit his ear lightly. "Is he why you haven't been inviting me over?"

"You're welcome in our house anytime, Marsh."

Our. 

Marcia grinned. She loved gossip. This would be fun.

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If there was one thing Britt could do, it was unzip a dress while inebriated. When Kato's third attempt failed, Britt pushed his hands aside and showed him. Lenore just giggled and looked over her shoulder at them. Britt could swear she was as sober as the day she was born.

He kissed her shoulder, then her neck, and felt Kato start tugging at his belt. His legs felt like melted butter. No idea how come he was still standing. Lenore. Kato. This was way more hotness than any one man deserved.

Turned out Kato was better with pants buttons.

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Lenore swallowed and told herself not to jump into conclusions. "Okay," she said slowly. "What happened?"

"Drinking compeshun," the masked Green Hornet slurred. He was propped up on Kato's arm. "Won."

"It's taken care of," Kato said, dumping Britt on the rec room couch. "I got the goods while Britt was drinking with the bikers."

"Dare I ask why?"

"Challensh," Britt said crankily, and fell over on the couch. 

"Right. Okay. Because getting drunk on the job is such a great idea."

"He only got this way on the way back," said Kato, mystified. "Was fine before."

Britt grinned. "Life of excess. Good for something, eh?"

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They were at a lunch café when Britt suddenly found himself with a lapful of blonde. "Haven't seen you in ages, dickweed," she said.

"Hey Caro," Britt said. Lenore raised an eyebrow. Kato just kept eating. "Let me introduce--"

"Whatever." Caro made a face. "Why don't you ditch mom and Yoko here and come party with me?"

"Oh," Britt said regretfully. Kato had stopped eating. "Sorry about this, beautiful." He stood up, picked her up and deposited her protesting outside the café.

"Kato might still kill you," Lenore said when he came back. 

"'Yoko'?"

"What, Yoko's great!" 

Britt still got a taco thrown at him.

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Lenore took her time waking up, rolling around in the mass of bedding and making her bedmates mutter and shift too. When she finally opened her eyes to the shadowed bedroom, she collapsed into giggles almost immediately. 

Britt squeezed his eyes shut tighter and threw an arm over his ears. The process knocked off Lenore's bra, which had somehow got entangled in his curls during the night. Who knew where her panties would show up?

Kato threw a sleepy arm around her, as if to hold her still, and Lenore forced her giggles to subside. They could use another fifteen minutes.

Chapter Text

Lenore loved watching her boys. If pressed, she might admit that it had been a major factor in why she'd loosened that no-sex-with-your-employees rule. With everything going on, there had been hardly any time for dating, and there were only so many times a red-blooded woman could walk in on a steamy make-out session before wanting to join in, especially when Britt kept asking. Dammit, she was only human. And now she had the best seat in the house. 

She rested her chin on her hand and watched the things Britt could do to Kato with chocolate sauce and his tongue.

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It had taken Warsaw Jack's crew a lot to get that monster of a fighter down. He didn't seem so tough now, handcuffed to a streetlight, his left leg bent at a weird angle. If that wasn't broken, Jack was the Queen of Belgium.

"One down, one to go," said Jack and pointed his gun at the monster's head. "Spill it. Where is he?"

The man smiled, a lopsided smile. "Right behind you."

"Huh, sure." Jack flicked the safety off, and slumped to the ground, his neck broken. His boys were already down.

Green smoke wafted around the Hornet's feet.

Chapter Text

Kato kept his eyes nailed to the brightly lit house across the street, because he was Kato and he could do that even with Britt's hand massaging him through his trousers.

This was why Britt should sit in the back on stakeout. Kato shouldn't have let him argue the point this time. He ought to stop him, but Britt had already moved to nibble his neck and then he'd undone his pants and his hand was slipping in to grasp him and was it really so bad?

Kato's mouth fell open gasping, but he kept his eyes on the house.

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"I'm not saying he deserved one, but a Kato might have been a good influence."

"President Bush?" Lenore said skeptically. "I'm not sure how much you know about politics..."

"Not much, but I know about party animals," Britt insisted. "It worked for me."

"Britt, when you started hanging out with Kato, you basically declared war on anyone who you considered criminal--" Lenore's eyes glazed over. "Holy shit. That's what he did."

Britt frowned. "So am I right or--"

"I don't know, but you may be a metaphor for U.S. politics for the last decade."

Britt settled for that.