Chapter Text
Struggling with page 89, John had read the third paragraph for the fifth time when his door slid open again. He hadn't meant to, but he looked up right away. This time the adrenaline pulsed out in a rush - it was Rodney.
"Hey," he said softly, standing just inside the door as it closed behind him. "Can I, uh…" He pointed to the chair beside the bed.
John closed War and Peace and nodded. He watched Rodney walk over, haltingly; like he wasn't sure he wanted to be there. John eyed him as he sat down.
"Hey," Rodney said again.
"Hey."
Rodney stared back for a moment, then down at his hands. "I, uhm, wanted to come by and say… sorry. You know, for my attitude the, uhm…"
Apologies weren't things Rodney McKay did easily. Normally, John would get a kick out of watching Rodney squirm, but not this time. It was painful for no other reason than John knew he really meant it.
"What attitude?" John tried hard to school his expression and body language into complete indifference, and that wasn't easy to do since he was used to being relaxed with Rodney, even comfortable. But this was hard. It felt foreign to him and somehow that made John even sadder.
"You know, it's just that… I wasn't expecting you… you caught me a bit off guard is all."
I caught you all right. "Oh. Well, we had discussed checking out the far side of the planet, and I just thought--"
Rodney's eyes widened. "Oh Jesus, John. I--I forgot. Shit, why didn't you say something?"
John thumbed the edge of his book, thinking a moment before he responded. "Would it have made a difference?"
Rodney didn't say anything.
"For that matter, Rodney, if it had been Dr. Tanaka's team doing the follow-up, would you have volunteered?"
Rodney turned away from him, eyes darting around the room.
John took a deep breath. "So, you have… intentions with Keller?"
Rodney's head snapped around, his chin jutting reflexively in the air. "Oh, I see. You've already spoken to Ronon. That figures. I suppose you're on his side in--"
"Side?" John sat up straighter, his face reddening.
"What? I can't be interested in Jennifer? You don't think someone like her could find me… irresistible?"
John's stomach knotted. Jesus, of course, she could. That was the problem. "I never said that."
"You didn't have to. Are you jealous? Have designs on her yourself?"
John tossed his book aside and stood up. Eight tiny crescents dug into his palms as he tried to think how far he'd have to count to keep his anger in check.
"So, the kinder, gentler Rodney McKay…" he said instead. "How's that working out for you?"
Rodney actually looked surprised that he wasn't flat on the floor. "Fine, fine. What? Now I can't change?"
"I didn't say that either. It's…"
Rodney looked up at him. "What? It's what?"
John sat down on the edge of the bed. "I just think you should be yourself. I've never had a problem with the old McKay. And if you're changing just to impress Keller--"
"Did I say that?"
"You didn't have to, Rodney." He sighed heavily. "Look, I'm just sayin' if things are gonna work out for you two… I mean, she should fall for the real McKay, right?"
Rodney rolled his eyes. "Ronon brought the kid's doll back," he said, waving his hand in a dismissive gesture. "I didn't even think of that."
John leaned forward, arms crossed over his knees. "No, Rodney, you were busy trying to think of a way out. That's what you do, and I just think if Keller can't see--"
"Yeah, well, he racked up a few points with that one."
Rodney's words hit him like a kidney punch. "So this thing with Keller is a game… is this a contest?"
"Well, of course it is," Rodney blurted out, then straightened his back and continued. "We have a gentleman's agreement. I told him… I wasn't going to fight him, but I wasn't stepping--"
John stood up quickly and began to pace.
"Sheppard? What is it… what's--"
He took a deep breath, stopped his pacing and looked down at Rodney, heart drumming in his chest. This was one of the hardest things he'd ever had to do and he hoped to God Rodney would understand. It took a few moments for him to find the words. "I'm not sure how to say this, Rodney, but… I have no choice. I'll have to ask you to leave the team."
Rodney's mouth fell open, and Jesus, his bottom lip might have quivered a bit. "Are you crazy? What the hell does that mean?"
"Means just what I said. You're off the team. I'll give you a week to give me a few candidates for your replacement."
Rodney stood, although it didn't look like he'd done so under his own power. He looked shaken and it took every ounce of John's control not to take him in his arms. "John, I--are you, do I get an explanation for this lunacy?"
"Sure." He nodded, then looked Rodney in the eye. "When we're on a mission, we're a team. That means Ronon is ready to sacrifice for you or for Teyla or for me. That also means that you're ready to sacrifice for Teyla, for me and for Ronon." He fought the urge to grab onto Rodney's shoulders. "You've just told me that you can no longer be objective when it comes to Ronon. If he's in trouble, you've got a split second to make a decision, Rodney, and I can't trust you to act without thinking anymore."
"Are you serious?"
"By the same token, if you're in trouble, Ronon has that same split second. And just so we're clear this is not just about you… I can't trust Ronon to act without thinking either."
"Then why don't you throw him off the team?" Rodney shot back, pointing to the door.
John dropped his gaze and bent forward a little against the roiling in his stomach. He really didn't have anything to say to that. Rodney would never understand. Whatever John did, Rodney would still be around. They'd still have to work together and at some time or another John would have to witness this competition. He scrubbed his hand over his face, wondering how everything had gotten so fucked up and if it could possibly be anyone else's fault other than his own.
"That's my decision, Rodney." He tried to face him, he really did, but he had to watch from beneath a shock of hair as Rodney walked to the door without a word. When the door opened--
"Just so you know," John said, looking up. He took another deep breath and tried to keep his face impassive, tried not to emphasize any single word. "I'm not jealous of you."
Rodney's brows crinkled and one side of his mouth fell into a frown, like he didn't understand. Then he turned and walked out of John's quarters.
"Fuck!" John raked a hand through his hair as the door whispered shut.