Chapter 1: For Your Entertainment
Luffy's self-control, always a tenuous attribute at best, finally snaps near the end of dinner. Giving no warning to his unsuspecting crewmates, he flings both arms across the table to where Zoro sits at the counter, his hands latching onto the back of the swordsman's shirt collar and haramaki.
A mighty heave and startled Straw Hats duck and dodge the mostly-empty dishes and half-full bowl of salad that fly in all directions as Luffy reels him in, slamming him down on his back. Zoro grunts as he impacts with the table top but doesn't fight back or look particularly surprised; in fact, he's grinning wickedly because he's been waiting all evening for the captain to finally make a move.
The others don't share his amusement.
"What the hell, Luffy?"
"Arrgh, my eyes, my eyes!" This from Usopp, whose face is dripping with the remnants of his soup.
Picking a lettuce leaf off his shirt, Sanji snarls briefly about shitty captains and marimos destroying the peace before refocusing his attention. "Nami-san! I shall fetch you a towel immediately!"
"Don't claw at it, Long Nose-kun," Robin admonishes, teasingly reverting to her old nickname for the sniper as a hand unfurls from Usopp's shoulder and takes up a napkin to gently wipe his face clean.
Nami, gratefully accepting a clean towel from the noodling cook at her side, does a double-take at the skeleton tucked into the chair across the table. There's a cherry tomato perched in one of Brook's eye sockets.
She stands to brush shredded carrots and radishes from her lap and something crunches under her foot. Her eyes narrow as she surveys the broken dishes scattered across the floor.
Sensing impending doom at the sight of Nami's clenched and shaking fists, Chopper flees the room with Usopp and Franky at his heels.
"What's wrong with you?" the furious navigator demands as she mops salad dressing off her arms. "Money doesn't grow on bloody trees, so why can't you two get through one day without breaking something? Now we'll have to buy another set of dishes!"
"Add it to what I already owe you," Zoro tells her dryly from his prone position, and she bristles, ready for a fight. Brook takes one look at her and races out the door, hollering for the shipwright, sniper and doctor to wait for him. The tomato falls out of his eye socket, bounces across the table and comes to rest next to Zoro's head.
Their captain's voice is low and husky and dead serious despite the enormous grin splitting his face below the shadow of his hat. He's maneuvered himself between Zoro's thighs, hands still fisted in the swordsman's clothing, and unselfconsciously rubs their groins together.
"LUFFY, YOU-" Nami's so perturbed she can barely speak, and Zoro takes advantage of her furious silence.
"Captain's orders," he shrugs apologetically. "Although I don't think Luffy really gives a shit if you stay or not. Me, I'd rather have some privacy. So get out!"
"Why don't you get out and go do that shit in the bunks?" Sanji growls.
Zoro grapples briefly with Luffy's hands, which have pulled his shirt loose from the haramaki so they can reach the bare skin underneath. It's not that he actually objects to Luffy touching him, but he draws the line at being stripped on the dining room in full view of his crewmates. "Shut up, ero-cook! Try telling him that!"
Exasperated, Nami flings both hands in the air. "For the love of- Robin, can you talk some sense into them?"
"I'm fairly sure that Captain-san is beyond reason at the moment."
"Oi, Luffy! Get your goddamn hands out of-"
Luffy silences Zoro's protests quite effectively with his open mouth, fingers pinching the struggling swordsman's nipples as he continues grinding. Zoro flails under his weight, back arching, and the sound that escapes him brings brilliant color to Nami's face as she realizes that he's right - Luffy really doesn't care. Thanks to his one-track mind and total lack of modesty, he'll likely finish what he's started right in front of them, protests or not.
She grabs Sanji by the arm and kicks broken tableware aside as she drags the fuming cook to the door. "Fine! But you're cleaning up this mess!"
As he's pulled away, Sanji realizes that Robin-chan's being left behind with the shitty perverts and seizes her hand. Nami bundles them both out the door before she slams it shut behind her. "I can't believe those idiots!"
Sanji fishes a cigarette from his shirt pocket and lights it. "So much for breakfast and lunch tomorrow."
At his words, cries of dismay erupt, and they realize that Usopp and Chopper have been hiding right outside the door. They're very close to the dining hall's porthole windows and Nami wonders if she should warn them before they glance behind them and get an eyeful. Now she really wishes Franky had mounted curtains over them when he'd built the ship. Ah well, maybe when they stop at the next port...
"What do you mean, no breakfast and no lunch?" demands Usopp.
"I refuse to set foot in my kitchen until that whole room's scrubbed ceiling to floor with some seriously harsh disinfectant," Sanji scowls, gesturing at the closed door. He frowns and does a quick mental calculation. "I do have enough pre-made snacks stored in the bar lounge for Nami-san and Robin-chan, of course, so the ladies won't go hungry."
"What about the rest of us?"
Sanji opens his mouth to tell the sniper that he and the other guys better go fishing if they intend to eat, but he's drowned out as Luffy's uproarious laughter suddenly escapes the structure behind them. Nami winces as the captain's voice dissolves into a throaty moan before once again breaking out in hysterical giggles.
"I'm seriously considering asking Franky to sound-proof every room in the ship. Zoro said he owed me; you all heard him."
"Nami-san, we already sound-proofed the look-out tower," Sanji says hesitantly, "And you know how that turned out."
The navigator sighs. "All because someone forgot to turn off that blasted megaphone. I swear, if I ever figure out who was responsible for that, I'll tie him to the anchor before we dock at the next port."
An hour and a half, she recalls irritably. Ninety minutes of Luffy making noises better suited to the privacy of a bedroom. And laughing continuously. Nami knows it was an hour and a half because she spent it staring at the log pose on her desk, counting the minutes and waiting for Zoro's shift to end. The swordsman couldn't look anyone in the eyes for nearly a week, and Luffy sulked for days after his crewmates told him he was banned from the look out tower during other people's shifts.
"How the hell does he do that?" Usopp wonders aloud, trying not to look as horribly fascinated as he feels. "It's like he doesn't need to breathe!"
"It's Luffy; he's not human." Nami rubs her temples. "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the library trying to forget this."
"At least it's just him," Sanji grumbles, taking a drag from his cigarette. In his agitation, he's smoked nearly three quarters of it already. "Although I swear the only time Marimo keeps quiet is when his mouth's full."
Nami rolls her eyes in exasperation, but Usopp and Chopper snigger loudly.
Sanji's smirking back at them with his cigarette clamped between his teeth, so he nearly swallows it at the sound of Zoro's bellowing, accompanied by thumping and crashing sounds.
"Damn it, Luffy, I told you no! Put down the fucking gravy already!"
"But it's warm!" Luffy protests just as loudly, blissfully unaware that their nakama are listening right outside, gaping at each other in confusion. "And Zoro told me I can't top without lube cause his ass doesn't stretch as much as mine!"
"Oh dear," Robin says cheerfully.
Her red-faced crewmates merely stare at her and each other in silence for a moment, and then Nami covers her face with both hands and wails, "Too much information!"
"My gravy..." Sanji moans, his voice full of such despair that Usopp bursts into laughter.
"Chopper, don't you dare! I don't care if gravy isn't a medically approved lubricant; you are not opening that door!"
Usopp collapses to the grass and simply rolls back and forth, clutching his gut. "Gravy lube! Bwahahhaha! Gravy lube!"
It is ridiculous, and Nami claps a hand over her mouth as a chuckle escapes her. Sanji snorts, and then everyone loses it.
"I know-" Nami gasps when she's able to catch her breath, "-that Luffy likes meat, but-"
Robin waits until the laughter finally dies down before she says, with all seriousness in her voice despite the small smile curving her lips, "I fear that things may not be sitting comfortably with Zoro tomorrow morning."
Sanji and Nami snicker. Usopp goes off again, and Chopper joins him this time, both of them slapping their hands into the grass and kicking their heels in the air.
"Hey, what's going on?" Franky calls as he comes trotting across the lawn, tilting his head to peer down at the gyrating sniper and doctor. Then, in all innocence. "Oi, Nami, is Luffy still being a pain in the butt?"
He's very confused when his crewmates start howling with laughter.
Chapter 2: Hear You Loud And Clear
Here's the megaphone incident mentioned in For Your Entertainment.
Luffy scales the look out tower's rope ladders and scrambles through the open hatch to find Zoro dozing in his customary watch position. The swordsman sits with his arms crossed on his bare chest, propped up against the wall by his elbow and the side of his face. When he jerks awake at the surprise of Luffy dropping ass-first into his lap, the captain's greatly amused to see sleep lines from the wood engrained on his cheek and temple.
"Oi, Luffy," Zoro grumbles, "I thought I told you not to do that. You keep crushing my goddamn balls."
His captain grins cheekily and squirms around, drawing another muffled curse, until he's facing Zoro and wraps his arms around the swordsman's neck. "Does Zoro want me to kiss 'em better?"
"Ah, so that's why you're up here," his nakama smirks, resting his hands on either side of Luffy's waist and sliding them under his vest, stroking callused thumbs against warm exposed skin. "Sorry but my watch doesn't end for another hour or so."
Luffy pouts, leaning away a bit so he can lay both hands on the broad chest in front of him. "Zoro was sleeping on watch."
He duplicates the touch on his waist, rubbing his thumbs lightly over the swordsman's nipples and grinning wider as Zoro shivers, a noise of pleasure rumbling low in his throat as his flesh goes taut under his captain's touch. His hands tighten reflexively on Luffy's waist, and he lifts the younger pirate a bit higher to take the pressure off his groin.
"Wow, Zoro got hard fast," Luffy observes, dropping one hand to inspect the lump prodding against his leg. He snickers when it twitches under his touch, and then suddenly gives the nipple between his fingers a vicious twist and pinch. "Don't sleep on watch!"
"Ow! Owowow!" Zoro yelps, writhing under him. "Luffy, that fucking hurts!"
Thankfully the abusive fingers release him and retreat, replaced by a moist pair of lips that kiss and nibble in silent apology. The swordsman sighs as his captain's mouth takes the sting away. "Good grief…"
He scoots backward until his spine meets the wall again and lifts his hips to help Luffy, who is tugging insistently and impatiently at his haramaki and the waistband of his pants. When he's finally worked them down around the swordsman's ankles, Luffy bounds to his feet and stands straddling Zoro's thighs as he drops and kicks off his shorts, freeing an erection that bobs enthusiastically.
Zoro snorts; Luffy almost never wears underwear, and the swordsman isn't sure he even owns any - maybe he just borrows a pair now and then from one of his unsuspecting male crewmates. He grasps a hip in each hand as he flicks his tongue out to lap over the tip of the cock nearly poking him in the nose.
Luffy's whimper eases into a full-throated moan when he's slowly but fully enveloped, and he leans his forehead against the wall over Zoro's head, burying his fingers in scruffy green hair. The swordsman lets him thrust forward a few times, and then he feels one hand leave his hip as fingers are suddenly and mercilessly tickling his balls. The other hand slides around to grip his back and hold him fast so he can't escape.
Luffy shrieks with laughter, pounding on Zoro's head and shoulders as he struggles to free himself. His frantic wriggling nearly chokes the swordsman, who's forced to swallow convulsively and breathe through his nose to get any air.
They scuffle for a few moments, Luffy trying desperately to clamp his legs shut on the tormenting fingers and failing miserably because the mouth working around his cock completely destroys his coordination. He finally squeezes a foot between them, braces it on Zoro's chest and pushes hard.
There's a comical wet popping sound when he pulls out of the swordsman's mouth. Losing his balance, he falls on his ass at Zoro's feet and promptly flops over backwards, giggling hysterically as he rolls around clutching his balls.
"You're lucky I didn't pinch 'em," the swordsman smirks, yawning to pop his jaw back in place. He watches in amusement as his captain undulates on the floor; Luffy hasn't lost his erection, and it's flopping around with him as he convulses. He also can't seem to stop laughing, although he moans every time his cock slaps against his thigh or lower belly.
Zoro leans back against the wall and closes his eyes, wrapping rough fingers around his own length and tugging hard enough to send heat flashing through his groin. He stifles a groan and starts working his hand up and down at an almost torturously slow pace.
After a little while - he's not exactly sure how long, but there's a good amount of moisture collecting under his thumb so it's probably been a few minutes - he realizes that the laughing's stopped. He opens his eyes to find his captain watching him and furiously jerking off. One of Luffy's arms is behind his back, the muscles in his forearm and bicep flexing, and Zoro gasps sharply as he accidentally squeezes himself a little too hard at the sight.
They stare at each other for a moment through half-lidded eyes, hearts pounding, and then Luffy scrambles over and throws himself into Zoro's lap, forcing the swordsman to let go of his cock. He tenses and grabs Luffy's hips with both hands as the captain fidgets into position, and he nearly stops breathing when he's abruptly buried to the hilt in one smooth motion.
Benefits, he thinks incoherently; there are definitely benefits to a stretchy, rubber body.
Luffy doesn't even wait for him to recover before he starts moving, because hedoesn't need to recover, and the swordsman nearly loses control. He tightens his grip and forces his overenthusiastic partner down, holding him still as he struggles to catch his breath and hold off the orgasm threatening to overtake him.
"Why'd we stop?" Luffy whines, still fisting himself because Zoro doesn't have an extra hand to stop him. How he can speak without sounding winded or even shaky is a complete mystery; just one of those weird Luffy attributes.
"S-slow down, you bastard! I nearly came already!"
Zoro squeezes his eyes shut and tries to ignore the pulsing heat he's buried in. He certainly doesn't think of himself as having a hair trigger, but the rubber man uses the same kind of reckless impetuosity for sex as he does for fighting. He strokes Luffy's sides, his hands trembling. "You don't need to rush - it's not a freaking race!"
His captain looks confused. "Doesn't Zoro wanna get off?"
I'm going to hit him, the swordsman vows silently. He's relieved to find that he can breathe a little easier and his balls don't feel like they're going to explode at any moment. "I do. I just-"
He reconsiders and tries a different, more Luffy-friendly tactic. "Okay, so it is a race. But the one who lasts longer is the winner."
Luffy's brow furrows and Zoro wonders if he should just give up and resign himself to quickies again. At least Luffy's impossibly fast recovery time usually makes up for his need to rush straight to the end.
"Ah!" Luffy exclaims, letting go of his cock so he can smack fist to palm in understanding. "You mean like endurance training!"
"Eh, close enough. Yeah, like endurance training."
"Mmmkay," his captain laughs, wrapping both arms around Zoro's neck and leaning forward so he's almost crushing himself between their abdomens. He wriggles to make himself more comfortable, grinning as the swordsman grunts and involuntarily bucks his hips against Luffy's rump.
Zoro breathes a sigh of relief as they find a much slower rhythm. He runs his hands up and down Luffy's back, dipping lower now and then to explore the junction where their bodies join. His touch makes Luffy giggle, which makes them both arch their backs and groan as the laughter tenses sensitive muscles.
Their mouths meet, tongues dueling lazily, and Luffy exhales sharply as Zoro tugs his lower lip gently between his teeth, overwhelmed by the slow slide of flesh on flesh.
"See," Zoro murmurs against his lips as he rolls his hips, pressing a little more insistently as he searches for the right angle. "Isn't this- better?"
"F-Feels really good," Luffy agrees, and then he cries out as his lover finds that spot inside that sends fire blossoming through his belly. He tugs at Zoro's shoulders, trying to urge him to move faster, but the swordsman refuses to relinquish his slow pace and keeps a firm grip on his hips to prevent him from speeding up.
It doesn't take many more strokes before Luffy is downright desperate, clutching at his shoulders forcefully enough to draw blood as he moans and cajoles and squirms in his arms. His skin is slick with sweat under Zoro's fingers, and the swordsman strokes every exposed inch of skin within reach, periodically blocking his captain's frantic attempts to grab and finish himself off.
Only when Luffy's protests dissolve into a whimpering mantra, begging for release, does Zoro roll over and pin him against the floor, sending them both over the edge with a flurry of fast, hard thrusts.
Luffy wails as he comes, keening Zoro's name, and immediately starts laughing in relief. The swordsman throws back his head, straining so hard that tendons stand out in his neck as a low groan escapes him. He's dimly aware that he's gripping his captain hard enough to leave bruises before he collapses next to Luffy and they both lay there panting.
"Did I die?" Luffy finally asks, and Zoro chuckles breathlessly.
He throws one arm over his eyes and uses the other to pull Luffy closer, smiling tiredly as his captain cuddles into his side. "I think we both did."
He's actually dozing off when there's a sudden pounding on the look out tower floor beneath them.
"Ah, shit!" He scrambles for his pants, grabbing a towel from the dirty laundry bin to wipe Luffy's mess off his chest and stomach. He tosses it unceremoniously on the captain's prone body as he crosses to the hatch. "Oi, Luffy, get your ass up and put your shorts back on."
There's more banging, and he starts losing his temper. "Hold on, goddamnit!"
Nami is hanging on the ropes glaring at him when he opens the hatch and pops his head outside, hoping Luffy's getting dressed behind him. The navigator's face is a brilliant shade of purple that he's never seen before, and she's tapping her foot.
"What?" He demands.
"Your watch shift is over," she snarls as she shoves past him and clambers into the look out tower. "Ugh, it smells like a zooin here."
She ignores Luffy, who is now sitting up - still wearing his vest but not his shorts - and marches over to the megaphone. Zoro follows, wondering what the hell she's so pissed about. Not that she ever needs an excuse, but- maybe she's on the rag?
Nami reaches for the megaphone and for the first time since his shift started, Zoro notices that there's a red light glowing on the unit's side. Nami flicks the on-off switch and the light goes out. She whirls around and jabs a finger in Zoro's face. "The entire fucking ship could hear you!"
She's immensely pleased - but still angry - when he goes pale, his expression one of absolute horror.
"Wh-what? Why the hell didn't somebody tell us?"
"Hi, Nami!" Luffy chirps, and the navigator finally looks at him for the first time. He's still sans shorts and has the towel Zoro dropped on him draped around his shoulders. She hits him in the head.
"Because listening was bad enough!" she shrieks, raising a fist to clobber Zoro but abruptly recoiling without touching him. "Nobody wanted to see it too!"
Zoro glances down, following her disgusted gaze, and realizes that he's missed a wet spot.
Not wanting to touch him - not with -that- on him - but still intent on causing bodily harm, Nami grabs a small weight off the nearest rack and smacks him with it mercilessly, punctuating each word with a blow. "Get out of here and go get cleaned up so Sanji can cover his shift!"
"Ow! FUCK! You mean that ero-cook heard too?"
"Everyone heard," Nami reiterates, grinding her teeth as she stomps towards the door. "The laughing and the moaning and-"
Halfway across the room, she steps on a wet spot and slips, windmills her arms frantically to keep from falling, and then freezes in place. Zoro nearly laughs out loud at the pinched expression on her face but decides he'd rather live. Luffy isn't quite so bright about it, and Nami bounces the weight - which she's forgotten to put back - off his forehead, knocking him over.
She eyes her shoes with despair, vowing to throw them overboard because they'll probably never come clean again, and turns rage-filled eyes on the swordsman who's studiously looking everywhere but directly at her. "AND GO GET A MOP!"