“Dao Ming Si,” Hua Ze Lei said with a serious face. “We need to talk.” His arms were crossed, and his posture was tense.
Dao Ming Si was actually on his way out, and he was about to say so when he saw the equally serious expressions on both Mei Zuo and Xi Men’s faces – it must be pretty serious, if all three were ganging up on him like this.
“In private,” Xi Men added, and shut the door behind him.
“So what’s this all about?” Dao Ming Si asked as soon as the door closed. Had something happened? Some new threat to his and Shan Cai’s happiness? Oh no, perhaps Hua Ze Lei had been diagnosed with terminal cancer! Perhaps he’d been hiding his condition so it wouldn’t disturb his and Shan Cai’s happiness, only now Hua Ze Lei was set to die any day and wanted Dao Ming Si to deliver a eulogy at his funeral. Dao Ming Si looked at Hua Ze Lei with concern – was he any paler than usual? Skinnier? “Of course I’ll speak at your funeral,” he burst out, just as Hua Ze Lei opened his mouth.
All three of his friends blinked at him in confusion.
“What?” Hua Ze Lei asked, temporarily derailed.
“Don’t you have cancer?” Dao Ming Si asked, concerned.
“No! Why would you think that?”
“Why else would you call me in here with such serious faces?” Dao Ming Si said matter-of-factly.
“We came to talk to you about Shan Cai-” Hua Ze Lei began, but he was interrupted by Dao Ming Si again.
“What about Shan Cai?” Dao Ming Si asked suspiciously. “You’re not after her again, are you?” Maybe Hua Ze Lei had realized what a jewel he was passing up on and regretted his decision! Maybe he was here to declare a duel for Shan Cai's affections! Maybe he learned that Shan Cai was the one with cancer, and they had the same blood type, and had called him here to offer up his eyes/heart/otherwise vital organ. Maybe Shan Cai was right and he should stop reading so many of the romance novels her mother left lying around.
“No,” Mei Zuo said, impatient, “we wanted to talk to you about sex!”
To nobody’s surprise, Dao Ming Si blushed tomato-red, and looked away in embarrassment.
“You do know what sex is, right?” Xi Men asked wryly, “and how it works?”
“Fuck you,” Dao Ming Si scowled. “Of course I know what sex is.” He tried his hand at false bravado – “And I’ve had-”
His three friends rolled their eyes simultaneously – it was creepy how in sync they were.
“Don’t even bother lying to us,” Mei Zuo snorted. “We know you. You’re a virgin, and if we don’t put you on the right path right now, you’ll probably be one forever.”
“And that’s not something Shan Cai is pleased about,” Xi Men said.
“Shan Cai talked to you about this?” Dao Ming Si asked, mortified. He frowned at Hua Ze Lei. “To you?”
“No,” Hua Ze Lei smiled. “That’s not the kind of thing we talk about.”
“She toldXiao You, who mentioned it to me,” Xi Men said. “Xiao Youwas very hurtful about it, too. She insinuated that the reputation of the F4 was all bark and no bite, and asked if my reputation was equally inflated.” He narrowed his eyes – “Nobody questions my reputation.”
“I hope you told her you bark and bite on command,” Mei Zuo snickered.
“Anyway,” Hua Ze Lei interjected, “that’s when we realized we’ve been remiss in our duties to you as your friends.”
“What are you talking about?” Dao Ming Si asked, eyes narrowed.
“As your friends,” Hua Ze Lei said smoothly, eyes alight, “it’s high time we told you about the birds and the bees.”
“Up yours,” Dao Ming Si scowled. “I told you I know what sex is, and you’re not the comedian you think you are.”
“I’m sure you know about sex,” Hua Ze Lei said wryly. “It’s impossible not to know about it what with these two playboys bragging about their conquests all the time.” He gestured to Xi Men and Mei Zuo.
“Hey!” both parties said in mock-offended tones at the same time.
“What we’re doubting,” Hua Ze Lei continued as if they hadn’t spoken, is whether or not you really understand the intricacies of sex.”
“What intricacies?” Dao Ming Si blustered. “You stick your cock up her cunt. What else is there to it?”
“First of all,” Mei Zuo said, “that would be more convincing if you weren’t so red with embarrassment, and if you hadn’t stumbled over the words ‘cock’ and ‘cunt.’ You’re such a virgin!”
“That’s the whole reason we’re having this conversation, remember?” Xi Men reminded Mei Zuo.
“Oh yeah,” Mei Zuo said. “I’d forgotten because it’s unbelievable that one of us could still be a virgin.”
“Guys, there’s nothing wrong with saving yourself,” Hua Ze Lei interrupted.
“Yeah, and how well did saving yourself for Teng Tang Jing go?” Mei Zuo snorted.
“Very well, thank you for asking,” Hua Ze Lei said, unperturbed. “She provided me with a valuable education.”
Dao Ming Si boggled a little at the mental image.
“Which is good, because it is time we imparted some of that knowledge on you,” Hua Ze Lei smoothly continued, giving Dao Ming Si a pointed look. “You need to learn more about sex, specifically the part where it comes to giving pleasure to the girl involved.”
“Which in this case is Shan Cai,” Xi Men smirked.
“I don’t need sex advice,” Dao Ming Si said heatedly. “And!” He leveled his finger at Xi Men. “Stop thinking of her like that!”
“You don’t need sex advice?” Mei Zuo said skeptically. “Alright. Quick quiz. Where are Shan Cai’s erogenous zones?”
“I’m not telling you that!” Dao Ming Si hissed, glaring at all three friends. He couldn’t believe they were asking him this!
“It doesn’t have to be Shan Cai,” Hua Ze Lei said impatiently. “We’re not gossiping here. We’re testing your knowledge of the female anatomy. Where are the typical erogenous zones on any woman?”
Dao Ming Si looked for a way to escape, but it didn’t look like his friends were going to let him free.
“If you don’t cooperate,” Hua Ze Lei warned, “we won’t hesitate to get your sister involved. Do you want that?”
“No,” Dao Ming Si shuddered. “Fine. Whatever. Erogenous zones. Right. Well, uh … their lips, their breasts, uh …”
“We don’t mean the stereotypical erogenous zones,” Mei Zuo said impatiently. “Everyone knows about those. When you have sex-”
Dao Ming Si blushed violently.
“-it’s a good opportunity to find her other erogenous zones. These will vary from woman to woman, but I tend to find that a good place to start is the nape of the neck, or where the neck meets the collarbone. There’s a reason people end up with hickeys there.”
“I have found that the small of the back can be very effective,” Hua Ze Lei offered.
“Shan Cai has a thing for the inside of her elbow,” Xi Men said. “I can guarantee that a few well-placed caresses there will have her melting in your hands.”
“What- how do you know that?” Dao Ming Si demanded.
Xi Men rolled his eyes. “Anytime anyone takes her by her elbow, she gets this expression like a startled deer. It’s not hard to work out.”
“Is that why you always take her by her elbow?” Dao Ming Si demanded, burning hot with indignation.
“It was a hypothesis that I may have tested out once or twice,” Xi Men put up his hands, “just to see if it were true or not. I regularly seduce older women, Dao Ming Si. Older women know what they want and they know what good sex is like. To do what I do, you need to be able to pick up the small clues by observing how they react to the stimuli around them – and then correctly hypothesie how those reactions might play out in the bedroom.”
“So scientific,” Mei Zuo rolled his eyes. “You could just go with gut instinct.” Mei Zuo turned his eyes to Dao Ming Si. “And my gut instinct tells me Shan Cai’s no wilting flower when it comes to sex.”
“You don’t need gut instinct for that,” Hua Ze Lei observed. “Anyone who punches Dao Ming Si here at the drop of a hat can’t really be described as a wilting flower.”
“To be fair, I wouldn’t call it at the drop of a hat,” Xi Men said. “She was provoked.”
“Either way,” Mei Zuo said, “her strong personality is probably going to carry over into sex.
“What he’s trying to say,” Hua Ze Lei said, smiling (he was probably laughing inside, the bastard!), “is that presumably if Shan Cai is forward enough to express frustration regarding the sex, or lack thereof, in your relationship, then you can probably rely on her to be a fairly useful guide to her own pleasure.”
“Great,” Dao Ming Si said curtly. “I’ll ask her what makes her happy. Lecture over. Can I go now?”
“No,” Hua Ze Lei said firmly. “Just because she can guide you to her pleasure does not mean that should be the only strategy in your arsenal.”
“Arsenal? How is this a war?”
“You must understand,” Mei Zuo said, silky-smooth, all traces of humor gone. “When you sleep with Shan Cai, the reputation of the entire F4 is at stake. It’s not just you having sex with her, it’s all of us.” He paused, as all of his friends gave him a funny look. “Okay, that metaphor made more sense in my head.”
“What he’s trying to say,” Xi Men said, “is that to uphold the reputation of the F4, you shouldn’t be pleasuring Shan Cai, you should be blowing her mind.” He scowled. “And then, nobody will ever again question my- I mean, our reputation.”
“To be precise,” Hua Ze Lei said, “we’re talking about multiple orgasms, which is tricky enough until we consider that she’s virgin and her first time is bound to be less pleasant than usual.”
“Now,” Xi Men said clinically, “women who are more athletic often wear away at their hymen or something, but it can still be an uncomfortable experience the first time, so the key here is patience.”
“Stop,” Dao Ming Si said. “Just stop. This is my girlfriend we’re talking about here. I can’t just-”
“We’re not talking about your girlfriend,” Mei Zuo said patiently, “We’re talking about any girl you may have sex with that you want to please. Just because the only girl that will probably ever fall under that category is Shan Cai does not mean we’re talking about her. That just means that you’re thinking about her.”
“You should be grateful,” Xi Men added. “We’re giving you pointers here.”
“I don’t need any pointers!”
“Oh come on,” Mei Zuo said. “You don’t even watch porn-”
“What does that have-”
“- which is why I’ve even acquired visual aids,” he said triumphantly, holding up posterboard. “I’ve made diagrams! Now take note, Dao Ming Si. This is the clitoris and you should know-”
“Oh god,” Dao Ming Si said, burying his head in his hands. “This is never going to end.”