Perceptions Prologue: False Idol
Beta extraordinaire: thismaz Because this is the ficlet that sparked off the Perceptions series, it seemed appropriate to make it an kind of unofficial prologue to the series. I hope it gives an insight into Xander's state of mind and his relationship with Willow at the start of the series, and why he might just be a little bit receptive when a certain vamp comes to town
Stand up, dust down, don’t cry, don’t speak.
I hide, not wanting to be noticed, not wanting to be seen, because seeing leads to questions and questions lead to answers which float unnoticed above heads and clipboards and endless questionnaires. Why expend the effort if effort leads to red pens and report cards and ducking down back corridors and being late to class again.
Stupid, useless, pull your socks up boy.
Then out of the blue there’s Willow eyes,
Wanting to help, needing to correct and mend and tick the boxes of reassurance and normality. She lays the foundations for a future of egocentric altruism and hey maybe I do listen to Giles sometimes, but I have to follow the hints and the clues and the nudges because of course I wouldn’t work it out any other way.
Why does she think I’m stupid; have I given her so much reason with my jokes and my grins that she thinks I can’t see how screwed things are. Do I need this little trail of breadcrumbs to lure me into a beautiful shiny Willow light?
I feel my world shift and she sits there like the lure of a bird of prey, wanting my gratitude and my devotion. Perhaps this is my sacrifice and I have nothing else to give.
She whispers in my head. Let me heal you, let me take care of you and you can be like me and be with me. Isn’t that what you want. Please Xander, tell me that’s what you want.