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Crossed Wires

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It starts with Cougar, of all people. Aisha thinks it's probably because he needs to occupy his hands and he can't continually clean his guns around Jennifer and Emily. Jolene's never seemed to mind, but Cougar's guns are never out when the baby or Emily are around.

He sits down with a pair of needles and starts knitting socks. It wouldn’t have been so weird if it had been anything else. A scarf, fine. Sweater, okay. Red and blue stripey socks? Granted, it's the yarn's fault, but it freaks her out just the same. Less so when he gives them to Emily (she had expected to see them on Jensen's feet), but still. Weird.

Pooch is the next in line. He and Cougar sit with their heads bent over a pair of needles, and when they emerge, Pooch is knitting a scarf in soft, baby blue yarn. She approves of this. Jolene's said loudly, and on numerous occasions, that she will not knit, and it's nice to see Pooch making an effort - one that produces something tangible, anyway.

Jensen starts out as a ball-winding, yarn-holding wannabe. Cougar puts the yarn around Jensen's hands and winds it into perfect little balls. He doesn't like loose skeins or improperly wound balls, and she has to admit, there's a meditative quality to it that she can appreciate. Jensen grins like a doofus the entire time. She thinks maybe Cougar isn't teaching him how to knit because he's afraid Jensen'll hurt himself on the needles.

She might be right, too. Cougar comes home one day with several skeins of dark red yarn and a crochet hook. They take an hour winding the skeins into balls, and then Cougar shows Jensen how to crochet in a circle. Aisha has no idea what he might be making, but the color matches his sister's kitchen perfectly.

Jensen's a fast learner. After a week, with pot holders coming out of every drawer and shelf, his sister begs for mercy. Cougar starts Jensen on something with a gorgeous dark purple yarn that is surprisingly delicate. Aisha watches the mysterious thing grow into something spiderwebby and beautiful, and when Jensen finishes and holds the shawl up for all of them to see, even Clay nods approvingly. Aisha likes it too; she'd wear it if she ever had occasion to wear something like that.

It's for Jennifer's birthday, and even though Jensen finishes it a week and a half early, he presents it to his sister that night. She laughs and cries and hugs him and hits him and finally makes him promise to take her out to dinner on her birthday so she can wear it.

The next day, Cougar sets Clay up with two of the smallest knitting needles she's ever seen and superfine ivory yarn. It takes a few days and three false starts, but eventually she can see the shape of the lace. Somehow, of all the Losers knitting, Clay with his tiny needles and delicate lace is the strangest. He gives his first piece, a beautiful oval tablecloth (okay, with a couple of flaws, but that's part of the charm) to Jennifer for being such a gracious hostess. She's not hosting all of them, exactly; they just spend a lot of time at her place because that's where Jensen and Cougar are being put up, and they like to be home with Emily in the evenings.

She loses track of all their projects by August. Cougar's working on something in a rusty red, Jensen's crocheting with the leftover yarn from Jennifer's shawl, Clay's got a bright blue lacy thing going on, and Pooch is working on several projects in purple, green, and yellow, having gotten a lecture from Jolene about gendering kids with pink and blue clothing.

She's gotten used to sitting around, making plans or just hanging out while everyone's hands are full of needles and yarn, but it's a little frustrating, because she can't clean her guns or sharpen her knives or do anything she normally does to keep her hands busy.

"Here," Cougar says one night, handing her a pair of needles and a ball of soft black yarn. "Helps you think."

He patiently shows her how to cast on, how to knit and how to purl, and how to create a pattern out of those two simple stitches. She's slow compared to everyone else, and it takes a while before it actually helps her think, but when she finishes her first piece - an uneven and very short scarf - the Losers all cheer and whistle.

Chapter Text

"You agreed to help host the party!" Jensen whined, in that way that everyone hated except Cougar, who just sat on the couch, smiling smugly and laughing on the inside. Clay hated him, sometimes.

"You didn't tell us we'd be playing dress up." Technically, Clay hadn't agreed to help host a Mardi Gras party for a bunch of ten-year-olds, because he thought spending Mardi Gras with a bunch of munchkins that couldn't drink seemed like a huge waste of an excellent not-quite-holiday. But Pooch had agreed, and Aisha too, and Clay was dragged into it because he had no one to drag him back out again.

"It's Mardi Gras. Of course it's dress up," Jensen whined some more. Cougar's smile got even smugger, the bastard. "Besides, I got everyone's costumes already, all you have to do is wear them."

No one else seemed to be putting up much of a fight. Aisha was excused, she didn't know Jensen well enough yet, but she wouldn't underestimate him after this. Pooch and Cougar were usually game for Jensen's stupid ideas, so he knew he couldn't count on them. He missed Roque like an ache sometimes. Clay hated to be the only one rolling his eyes at Jensen's ridiculous antics.

"Okay, so I went with the new Trek movie costumes," Jensen said, opening the huge box that had come to Jennifer's doorstep that afternoon, "but I had to add in some missing characters to get a full set."

This could not end well. There was no way making them the crew of the Starship Enterprise wasn't going to get Jensen killed by his sister or Aisha, or possibly Cougar. All Clay had to do is wait. Then he could go out drinking for Mardi Gras like regular people did.

"Sis, you get to be Number One." He handed her a package with a yellow costume in it. The sticker on the front showed a short yellow dress. "They forgot her in the movie, but I'm totally handwaving that. She was too awesome not to be there."

Damn, Clay thought. That's a good one. One near-death averted.

He pulled out a pair of costumes, a red shirt/black pants combo and a short blue dress and handed them to Pooch and Jolene. "Before you give me grief," Jensen said, putting up a finger in front of Pooch's mouth, already open to complain, "you should know I decided to make you Scotty instead of Sulu, because Scotty's girlfriend is Mira Romaine," he tilted his head toward Jolene, "and she's a total hottie."

Jolene smiled at Jensen, taking the plastic-wrapped short blue dress and tucking it into the diaper bag. "Thank you, Jensen."

Clay had to admit, so far, so good. Of course, if Jensen was half as smart as he pretended not to be, he'd leave Aisha until last and be ready to bolt for the door. Or maybe he hadn't ordered her a costume at all. She did seem to be exempt from most of Jensen's nonsense.

"Okay, Cougs," Jensen said, grinning his stupid grin, the one that meant he was likely to get shot at soon, "it's Uhura for you." He tossed a short red dress costume in Cougar's lap.

Aha! The smug smile had at last been wiped from Cougar's face, and everyone in the room sat back, to give room for Cougar to tackle Jensen and hopefully not break any furniture. Jennifer was already grimacing in anticipation.

Then the unthinkable happened. Cougar smiled, a blinding flash of teeth that said he actually liked the idea, and was going to play along. Jensen's smile got even bigger, and Clay hurt something in his eyeballs, he rolled them so hard.

"Really, Cougar?" Clay asked. "You're going to wear a dress?"

"Why not?" Cougar said, and Jensen followed it up with, "He's got the hair for it. And what, was I going to make Aisha Uhura? Of course not."

Jensen pulled two blue shirt/black pants combo packs out of the box and tossed them at Aisha and Clay. "Spock," he said, throwing Aisha a wig as well, "and crankypants McCoy for you, Clay."

Aisha looked positively delighted. She put the wig on her head and ripped into her plastic, pulling out the shirt and holding it up to show it off. "Brilliant."

"I'll help you tape yourself down if you let me borrow a bra," Cougar said, grinning salaciously. Jensen frowned and nodded at his sister, who was already halfway to cuffing Cougar, but gave it a little extra force for good measure.

Aisha finally rolled her eyes, but it was completely undermined when she said, "Of course you can borrow a bra."

"So who are you, then?" Pooch asked, finally curious. He seemed happy enough being Scotty, and with the baby sleeping in his arms, there was no room for him to actively complain anyway. Clay was still debating how he felt about being called crankypants.

"Captain Kirk, of course!" Jensen said, pulling out a final plastic-wrapped package.

"Wait a minute," Clay said. "I'm the captain of this…" He looked around. He wasn't really the leader of half these people, and this wasn't exactly a ship.

"Kirk is young and blond," Jensen shot back, clearly not even remotely sorry. "You're old, dark-haired, and cranky. That makes you McCoy."

"What?" Clay said, his voice low, the way that would register on Jensen's radar.

"I just meant," Jensen said, finally getting it and backing up to sit between his sister and Pooch on the couch, "you can probably do the accent."

Jensen was definitely smarter than Clay generally gave him credit for. Between Pooch, who was holding the baby, and his sister, who was scary on the level of Cougar when pissed off, Clay didn't dare make more of a fuss. He sat back down and Aisha raised an eyebrow at him.

"What?"

Aisha shrugged. "Just practicing. Quinto has a mean quirked eyebrow."

"I hate you," Clay said, but ripped open his own package anyway. It came with a tricorder that had actual flashing lights.

"So who is Emily going as?" Jolene asked. "Wesley Crusher?"

"Oh, hell no," Jensen said. "She doesn't get Star Trek yet. She's going to be Astrid from How To Train Your Dragon. I think she liked the skull belt."

"And the axe," Jennifer said, and Clay just put his head in his hands.

Chapter Text

Cougar uses Jennifer's laptop when he wants to surf the internet. It's not that he couldn't use Jensen's, just that he doesn't want Jensen to know what he's looking at. He lets Jensen believe it's porn because it's easier.

"Okay, we're off to ballet," Jensen says, grabbing the keys off the counter. "Are you sure you don't want to come?" His eyes beg Cougar to come along and distract Jensen from the waiting room filled with ballet moms, but Jensen's got his crocheting now, and Cougar knows he secretly likes the attention. Besides, he and Jennifer have a surprise to work on.

"No?" Jensen sighs. "Fine. I suppose Emily can live with only one of her uncles supporting her extra-curricular activities."

Cougar smiles and tips his hat to Emily. "C'mon, Uncle Jake," she says, grabbing his hand. "I don't want to be late."

As soon as they're out the door, he turns the oven on preheat. "Jennifer," he calls, and she runs down the steps like a herd of elephants. He can't quite believe she's related to Jensen some days.

"All right," she says, pulling the crescent rolls out of the fridge. "You have the recipe?"

He pulls it up and starts reading. "Need a pizza pan and the Pam."

Jennifer works on the crescent rolls while Cougar makes up the filling. They work in tandem really well by now; he loves to bake and she loves to take credit. She's gotten better at it – apparently she couldn't bake box brownies when she and Jensen were younger.

This is their third attempt at a King Cake. The first one was so complicated they ended up throwing it out because Jensen and Emily came home in the middle. The next one was too dry. This is the best one he can find that they should be able to finish in time – they only have an hour and a half and he has to get ready for the party yet. It's going to take time for him to do his Uhura costume justice.

Aisha comes in as they're putting the cake in the oven, sticking her finger in the bowl of filling. "Yum," she says, and picks up the plastic baby sitting on the counter. "Forget something?"

Jennifer glares at the baby like it's committed murder, and she pulls the cake out of the oven with a vengeance. Cougar takes it away before she can ruin everything and gently pries up some of the crescent rolls to tuck the plastic baby in with the filling.

"There," he says, setting it gently back in the oven. "Just takes a little patience."

Aisha smirks at him. "Glad to hear it, because it's time to do your makeup."

Chapter Text

Cougar puts the stockings on first. He knows he should probably shave first, but he wants the stockings. He snaps the stockings into the garter belt and admires his ass in mirror. He's given a lot of thought to going panty-less, but the dress is too short for that. His dick is hanging out now, though, framed by the garters and stockings, and he likes the look of it. Jensen probably will too.

He got the stockings because he is most definitely not shaving his legs. The stockings are opaque; you can't even see his dark hair through them. He runs his hands over the silk on his thighs and hums with pleasure. As much as he loves Emily, he can't wait for the party to be over.

He takes a deep breath and leans forward, getting nice and close to the mirror. He trims his mustache and beard down with short little snips of the scissors, then takes the razor to the stubble that's left. It's been years since he was hairless; he looks like a new recruit. He washes his face and puts soothing lotion on it, letting it soak in as he wriggles into the bra and settles the water balloons in the cups. They're not perfect, but they didn't have enough time to get anything more realistic.

He puts on the satin panties as well and finally pulls the red dress over his head. It's short, but he can pull it down enough just to cover the top of his stockings. He'll have to be careful moving around and sitting. Having twelve kids running around the house isn't going to help.

"Ready," he says, twisting the doorknob and opening the door. Jennifer and Aisha are struggling to get Aisha's ace bandage on tight, and Cougar clucks his tongue and shoos Jennifer away. He's wrapped cracked ribs hundreds of times, and Aisha's small enough that it's not even that different from Jensen or Pooch's big-ass pecs. It takes five minutes to get her tucked in tight and she throws a towel over her shoulders while they work on Cougar's makeup and hair. Jennifer's doing the ponytail, pulling his hair on top of his head, so tight it hurts his temples. It feels funny to have a ponytail sitting on top of his head, but with all the brushing Jennifer does, his hair is soft and straight, with just a touch of a curl on the end.

Aisha grabs the bag of makeup they bought specifically for Cougar. It's got a couple hundred dollar's worth of junk, from eyeliner to foundation, and he's thankful for that when she finishes putting the foundation on and he puts a hand to his skin. It feels smooth, something he can honestly say he's never felt before.

Aisha slaps his hand away and goes to work on his eyes, telling him to look up, look down, close his eyes, open his eyes, all while attacking him with eyeliner and mascara and eye shadow. She even tweezes his eyebrows – he hadn't expected that, and has a vague worry he may regret it in the morning.

He's most nervous about this part – he doesn't really expect them to make him look like a woman; he knows his face is angular and not feminine. He just hopes they can do something that won't look horrendous, and that it doesn't spoil the overall package – he's looking forward to seeing how Jensen reacts to the garter belt.

After Aisha's done with his eyes, she starts on his lips. Open your mouth, close your mouth, smack your lips together, blot your lipstick. She finally proclaims him finished and shoves him out of Jennifer's room so she can finish getting herself ready. A glance in the mirror says she's done more than a good job, she's somehow made his face look less angular and made his eyes stand out, especially under the elegantly shaped eyebrows.

Perfect timing – he can hear the truck pull in and Emily's excited chatter as she runs for the front door. Cougar heads downstairs to meet them, since he's the only one in the house who's ready for the festivities. He hovers midway down the stairs. He wasn't nervous at all while doing all this, but now that Jensen and Emily are home, he worries about how it looks, if it's too weird, if it'll put off Emily's friends. They're just kids, kids in a small town no less.

"…braid my hair, right, Uncle Jake? Mom doesn't know how to do the double –"

Emily comes around the corner and stops, gaping at Cougar.

"Of course I'll braid your hair, just go get changed. They're going to be here in half an –"

Jensen, at least, recovers himself and closes his mouth. Emily's is still hanging open. "Wow, Cougs, I really wasn't expecting… that."

"You look like a real girl," Emily says, and Jensen cuffs her lightly.

"Go get ready, Em." He stretches a hand out to Cougar and Emily ducks under it and up the stairs. Cougar puts his hand in Jensen's and lets himself be drawn down the steps and into a pirouette. He's just using a pair of his own boots – not real Star Trek, but they'll have to do – and he's glad because there's no way he'd even try walking around in anything with a heel.

"You clean up nice," Jensen says, eyes roaming up and down. "I'd try to kiss you but I have a feeling Aisha'd kill me if I messed up your makeup."

"Damn straight," Aisha says from the top of the stairs. "Get up here and change – I need your help with my wig before you braid Emily's hair."

"No rest for a captain," Jensen says, grinning, and kissing Cougar's hand. "Until later, mi amor."

Chapter Text

The party, while fun enough with fourteen ten-year-olds, is also a form of torture. Cougar looks incredible and Jensen can't stop looking at him. Every once in a while, he'll shift and the top of a stocking will peek out from under his dress and Jensen will have to excuse himself to the kitchen for a while.

Pooch looks good in red, Jolene is rocking her short blue dress, and how Clay did that thing with his hair to actually make it look like McCoy's, Jensen will never know. They're all clean-shaven for a change; Jensen had planned to shave to be Kirk, but he hadn't really expected Cougar to shave, or Clay, either, as it's a semi-weekly hit or miss thing for him.

Aisha's costume is perfect; he's got an inkling that Cougar helped her strap in, because there's no way his sister could have wrapped her tight enough to make her look almost completely flat-chested. She's done wonders with the Vulcan eyebrows, too, and while the wig is pretty cheap and looks obviously fake, he can't fault her for not wanting to cut her hair.

Em looks remarkably like Astrid, and the kids, all sugared out after the faux-King cake, decide to sit down with How To Train Your Dragon. Or maybe Jen decided they should sit down with it. Either way, they're watching quietly, munching on popcorn and chips and the leftover bits of cake, and he and Cougar are standing guard at the entryway to the kitchen, making sure none of the little monsters sneak off for his sister's stash of caffeinated soda in the breezeway.

He sneaks a hand up the back of Cougar's skirt, and there's no knowing whether or not it's a surprise because Cougar wouldn't have reacted either way. He shifts slightly, though, fitting his ass into Jensen's hand, and Jensen closes his eyes and says a little prayer of thanks. When he opens them, Jennifer's giving him the not-quite-glare she always gets because she likes Cougar too much to really disapprove, and nods her head at the stairs.

Jensen's not so sure about leaving the party, but Cougar doesn't think twice, grabbing his hand and pulling him up the stairs. They go quietly, skipping the fourth step because it creaks, and Jensen's just inside the door of their bedroom when Cougar shuts it with a definitive click and pushes him back against it, "Fuck," Jensen says, pulling Cougar in, kissing his not-quite-red lips, "I have been wanting to do this all night."

He pulls Cougar against him hard and does a quick about face, pressing Cougar against the door. He goes to his knees, his hands trailing down Cougar's dress, and when he lifts the hem, he realizes Cougar's put his panties on over the garters. It looks strange, but when he pulls them down he immediately sees the reasoning. He lets them drop on top of Cougar's boots and takes a minute to stare at Cougar's junk framed by the garters.

"I knew you'd like that," Cougar says, stepping out of the panties and kicking them aside. Jensen doesn't answer, just leans forward to take Cougar into his mouth, his hands roaming up and down the stockings and their garters. He loves sucking cock, sucking Cougar's cock especially, and it doesn't take much to take him to the edge, so he spares a hand for himself - the back of his brain is still concerned with the kids downstairs and getting back to them as soon as possible.

Cougar has other plans, apparently, because he puts one booted foot on Jensen's wrist, trapping it against his thigh. "No."

Jensen has an automatic tendency to obey short, direct orders; it makes him a good soldier and it's something Cougar takes advantage of all the time. Jensen would have stopped regardless, but Cougar's boot on his arm is even hotter than hot, and it's a good thing he didn't get to touching himself because he would've gone off like a rocket.

Cougar raises his boot to Jensen's chest and gives him a kick that sends him on his ass. Jensen goes with it because when Cougar has a plan, you sit back and shut up and do whatever he tells you to do. He waits, watching Cougar walk slowly around him to the foot of the bed. He flips his skirt up before leaning forward on straight arms and says, "Fuck me like this."

Jensen doesn't even blink, he just scrambles to his feet, grabbing a condom and the lube out of the nightstand. He takes time to say a longer prayer of thanks while he's fumbling the condom on, just enough to cool him down so he can burn the memory of Cougar presenting himself in a dress and garters into his brain forever.

Cougar doesn't like to be fucked often, and Jensen's always a little nervous about it. It's tough to tell if he wants it slow and smooth or fast and hard unless he says something, and he's notoriously tight-lipped about it. Jensen preps him quickly, Cougar's never liked a lot of playing around, and when the slides in, his hands on Cougar's hips and fingers under the garters, he hears Cougar moan. Softly, but Jensen knows to listen for things like that, so he hears it, and that's enough for him. Slowly, then.

He takes his time, appreciating the view more than anything, watching the dress as it pulls over Cougar's shoulders, the garters as they make perfect lines down his ass, the way he holds himself as still as he can (not very still, not for Cougar) by locking his elbows and pressing back against Jensen as he slides in.

Another moan, that means Cougar's ready, or almost, so Jensen shifts forward a little to reach around for Cougar's cock. He's dripping, and as soon as Jensen touches him, he comes with a stuttering movement, his shoulders hunching inward jerkily.

"Fuck, Cougs," Jensen says, and takes his hand to his mouth, licking the dribble of come off it - he doesn't want to get any on the dress. Once his hand is clean, he puts it on Cougar's hip and drives into him, four strokes and he's gone.

There's nothing Jensen would like more than to strip Cougar naked and lie around on the bed for a while, but they still have the party to attend to and besides, the bedspread's a complete loss. He strips the bed while Cougar checks himself out in the mirror. The makeup's survived okay, all except his lipstick.

"Here," Jensen says, grabbing the lipstick and taking Cougar's chin in his hand. "I can fix that for you."