The imminent risk of losing her had been the reason why she found herself sitting on her couch late at night while staring into space until she couldn't bear being away from her any longer.
That's how she found herself knocking at her door half an hour later with a racing heart and tears in her eyes once Emily opened the door for her and looked at her with concern edging her features.
"I would have missed you." The words slip past her lips in a rush but barely above a whisper and she's desperate, hoping she would understand the real meaning of her sentence.
And she did because all those months they had been dancing around each other with their feelings for each other threatening to suffocate them while neither dared to make the final move.
But there she was, standing on her doorstep in the middle of the night, ready to pour her heart out because she kept replaying the moment she had almost lost her.
Emily had once told her that she had nothing to lose, nobody would miss her, but JJ knew it wasn't true because the pain she felt upon hearing her say this told her otherwise. She would miss her and as the thoughts kept coming a few tears managed to escape and roll down her cheeks.
At this Emily carefully lead her into her apartment and closed the door behind them before fully taking in JJ's distraught form and she was sure she had never seen her like this before.
JJ was always guarded and barely showed anyone her true emotions but in this very moment her walls seemed to come down with a crash and it scared Emily to see her like this.
Being at loss for words she gently ushered JJ into her arms and wrapped her arms around her waist as she felt her body start to tremble and heard small sobs coming from where her head rested against her shoulder.
They were still standing in the dark hall when the tears ran dry and JJ quietly spoke up, her voice hoarse from all the crying she had done.
"I can't lose you Em." She was still clinging onto her but slightly pulled back to look Emily in the eyes. In this moment all the emotions she was unable to express were displayed in her eyes and it was what made JJ lean up and gently press her lips against Emily's.
At first Emily didn't react, there was just so much to process, but soon enough she started kissing her back and she could still taste the saltiness of her tears on her lips when she started tracing her lower lip with her tongue.
It didn't take them long to deepen their kiss while Emily tangled her hands in JJ's sunkissed hair to pull her even closer and soon enough she found herself leading her towards her bedroom and gently lying her down on her bed.
The air around them was heavy with passion and despair and it dazed their minds and let their hearts rest on the tip of their tongues.
The sight of JJ lying on her bed took Emily's breath away because even with tear streaks still visible and her hair a unruly mess it was still the most beautiful thing she had ever seen.
She was pulled out of her musings when she felt JJ pulling her on top of her to undo the buttons of the blouse she was still wearing despite the late hour.
It wasn't until she arrived at the last button though that she was stopped by Emily who gently spoke up.
"Are you sure you really want this?" Her voice was soft and even though she had a hard time thinking straight she just had to know that this was what she wanted too.
"I'm sure Em." JJ replied but the way she bit her lower lip told Emily that something else was on her mind and she had every intention of finding out what exactly it was.
"But?" Her eyes held a questioning look and she noticed how JJ's gaze dropped to the side before she was able to answer.
"I've never done this with a woman before." Her voice almost got caught in her throat at the confession and her cheeks blushed ever so slightly, something that didn't go unnoticed by Emily, even with the moon being the only source of light in the room.
"It's ok JJ. Do you trust me?" A small smile appeared on her lips and she slowly brushed a stray strand of hair from JJ's face before cupping her cheek with one hand.
When JJ nodded she leaned in for another kiss, this one being soft and conveying their love for each other.
It was only then that Emily began working on JJ's clothes too and soon enough they lay next to hers strewn across the floor.
Kissing her way down JJ's neck and chest she felt her arching her back towards her touch as she slowly descended before making her way back to capture her lips in a passionate kiss while her fingers traveled towards her stomach and her already wet center.
"Relax." Emily eventually murmured into her ear as she gently slipped two of her fingers into her and let her adjust to the new situation. Hearing her moan and feeling her lifting her hips towards her fingers ever so slightly she began moving in and out of her in a steady rhythm until JJ had difficulties keep her breathing steady.
Sensing that she was close she started flicking her thumb over her sensitive clit, causing JJ to let out a surprised gasp and pull Emily even closer to her.
With her clinging onto Emily she let the climax take her over as her muscles tightened around Emily's fingers and her body bucked uncontrollably at the new sensations.
When she felt JJ's body going limp underneath her she gently pulled her fingers out of her and moved so she could cradle her into her arms.
Once JJ was able to catch her breath she spoke up again, still overwhelmed by what she had just experienced.
"I love you, Em." She looked up from where her head was resting on Emily's chest and found the brunette contently smiling at her. The confession had come out so effortlessly and for the first time Emily wasn't scared to admit her feelings towards JJ.
"I love you too." She replied and softly kissed her forehead before continuing to run her fingers through the blonde's hair.
"Don't leave me Em." JJ whispered a while, the previous fear creeping back into her voice and the hold she had on the brunette tightening.
"I won't ever leave you JJ." Emily reassured her and kissed the top of her head to give point to her words.
Her promise made JJ calm down and she was finally able to let her eyes drift shut as the warmth of Emily's body lulled her in. She knew they still had a lot to talk about and figure out but feeling safe in Emily's arms she let sleep take her over, knowing that when she woke up again Emily would still be with her because they loved each other after all.