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A Letter From Your Old Man

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Hey Beth!

How's it hangin', kiddo? Wait, that's probably not really appropriate for me to say to you, is it? Sorry about that. Don't take it personally, okay? I talk to everybody like this.

Anyway, I just wanted to send you a letter so you can get to know your dad a little bit. That's so weird to say, you know? I never thought I'd be a dad. Especially not as young as I am. But it's okay. I'm bummed that I can't see you all the time, but at least your MILF of a mom is cool enough to let me be part of your life like this. Um, is it okay to say MILF to a baby? Probably not, right? Sorry about that, too.

You should probably know right now that I'm gonna be apologizing a lot for the stuff I say. I don't always think first, and sometimes this stuff just comes outta my mouth, and it surprises me, too. Hopefully, your mom will train out that trait if you got it from me. And if you did get it from me, I apologize for that, too. But trust me, eventually you'll get used to the taste of Ivory soap. I did. Unless your mom uses something else, like some girly frou-frou scented stuff. I can't help you there.

But you've got time before you'll even be able to start spouting the Puckerisms. And I bet right now your mom is thanking G-d for that, right?

So, anyway, I realize that you're still just a baby and all, but I wanted you to start getting an idea of your old man's life. And the first thing you should know is that you're half-Jewish. I don't know what religion your mom is raising you as, but as long as you have something you can believe in, I'm totally down with that. But I hope you have the chance to learn about what your other mom and I believe in. You can choose what you want to believe, just promise me you'll give every option a chance first, okay?

So one of the things about being Jewish is celebrating Purim, and a big part of Purim that you'll understand as a kid is giving gifts. It's called mishloach manot, but you can worry about the details later, okay? So that's what the package is for you. And since your birthday was before Purim this year, I'm sending you a combined birthday and Purim present. When you're older, we'll separate them out, but right now I just wanted you to have something from your old man.

So I'll be the first person to admit that I really don't know a whole lot about babies. I just walked into Walmart and looked in the baby section and guessed. If there's something that's not appropriate for you, I hope your mom will find someone who could use that stuff.

And yes, I included a little football for you. I know you're a girl, but your old man is the bomb on the football field, and you share some of those genes. Besides, this is the twenty-first century, and nobody should be able to say that a girl can't play football. My girlfriend's on the wrestling team and beating the crap outta guys. Um, sorry...

Anyway, I also put in a CD of some songs that I've been working on lately. It even has the song that I sang with my boys that got your other mom to agree to calling you Beth. I hope you like the music. I tried really hard not to put anything on the CD that has bad language or anything like that.

I suppose I should get this out in the mail to you, so I'll just say that I'm really happy that your mom is letting me be part of your life. You changed me in a lot of ways, Beth, and I'm glad that you're in this world. I'm working on saving up some money to come out and see you. Maybe this summer sometime, but I hear it gets pretty hot in Vegas in the summer. I'll see what your other mom and I can figure out, then we'll work out those details with your mom.

I love you, Beth, and don't you ever forget it.

Love you,
Your old man



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