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Odds & Ends

by Rita Skeeter

13th August, 2011

 

Wonder no more! Pansy Smith has indeed had work done on her nose ... and other parts we won't mention in a family publication.

Elective Healer Jonas Galt analyzed two pictures of Mrs Smith; one from last year and one taken last week. According to him, there's been an "obvious slimming of the nostrils; the nose is now longer, more refined-looking but still retains some of its former shape. It's excellent work."

Alas, not good enough to go unnoticed.

***

A little birdy has assured us that Wendell Watson, the handsome owner of the Holyhead Harpies, will definitely be attending Ginny Potter's 30th birthday party this weekend. Such devotion from a former employer!

Watson sent tongues wagging twelve years ago when he backed out of a lengthy deal to sign Gretchen Weiss - then star Chaser for the Heidelberg Harriers - to his Harpies and instead chose the fresh-out-of-Hogwarts schoolgirl for the position. Many were surprised by the choice as it seemed then that the only thing that Mrs Potter had on Miss Weiss was looks. We at the Prophet are certain that it was the same natural charisma that made Mrs Potter so popular in school that led to her being chosen over the more experienced Miss Weiss.

***

As if Harry Potter didn't have enough to worry about, Warlock Sextus Pigg has reintroduced a measure to bar mothers of young children from serving as Aurors or Hit Wizards and used Potter's godson's mother as an example.

'Harsh but true, if Mrs Lupin had stayed at home, rather than running off to fight, then her son might still have a mother. While Mrs Lupin's intentions were surely noble, as the intentions of all witches who serve in Law Enforcement are noble, they need to remember that motherhood is the highest calling of all. Be mothers first, Aurors second."




Odds & Ends

by Rita Skeeter

20th August, 2011

In an interview to be released in the Daily Prophet's Sunday Morning Edition, Draco Malfoy, hinted at a new potion to be released at the end of the month that could make the management of Lycanthropy easier for all those afflicted by the devastating disease. Sources close to the Potioneer say there is an even more ambitious plan in work to find a cure. Is this his repentance for his youthful transgressions? Or another cynical stunt by the Malfoy family? Only time will tell. If he is successful, it could lead to him being awarded the Order of Merlin. Is the wizarding public ready to bestow our highest honor on a former Death Eater?

His wife, Astoria Malfoy, a former Healer for St. Mungo's and author of Politics & Potions: Eradicating Lycanthropy In Our Time, is said to be assisting with both projects.

***

Further details are emerging about the alleged assault that took place during the Quidditch Cup involving the Keeper for England's National Team, Merwyn Finwick, and the part-Veela dancer for the French National Team, Gabrielle Delacour.

A witness tells us that Miss Delacour joined several of her fellow dancers for a party after the game. While there, the scantily-clad dancers did another rendition of their provocative pre-match dance to the delight of the crowd. This same witness asserts that Miss Delacour was later seen outside the same tent where the assault was said to have taken place, 'talking to Finwick and having a grand time from the looks of it.'

***

Everyone's been talking about Luna Scamander's unconventional approach to child-rearing but now Healer Fanny Collymoddle, author of Seven Simple Steps To Raising Happy Children has her say.

'What some might call "natural" and "imaginative play" can actually be harmful and serve to humiliate the child later. This isn't a one-time event where Lysander has decided to wear mummy's shoes or even has a favorite dolly he took from his sister. This is a young boy of four, right at the age when we're first beginning to understand what the differences are between male and female, wearing dresses and skirts outside. In some pictures, if it weren't for his short hair - which looks to be getting longer by the day, might I add - he would be completely indistinguishable from his sister, Lorcan. This isn't play, this is the warping of his identity as a young boy.'

'What we have here is an extreme example of the sort of overinvolvement and overindulgence that many mothers are prone to, especially with their sons. This happens when they refuse to let go and let the natural process of the boy identifying with his father begin. Usually it results in a "mummy's boy" but here, she's gone so far, that it might be more correct to say we have a "mummy's girl!"'


 



Odds & Ends

by Rita Skeeter

27th August, 2011

Padma Patil has been chosen as the new Head of the International Magical Office of Law and will make her debut on the world stage at next month's meeting of the International Confederation of Wizards. While some grumble that the young witch is more "fashion model than diplomat" others, like Warlock Kendall Yates, were quite happy to hear about Miss Patil's promotion. "If I have to sit through a three hour speech I'd rather look at her than [Quentin] Colmes."

Unfortunately for any wizards who may feel similar, they have yet to create a wireless that can transmit pictures as well as sound.

***

Witches, I have some bad news: Neville Longbottom is officially off the market. The dashing hero-turned-professor proposed to his long-time girlfriend, Hannah Abbott, last week. We weren't even aware they were dating! Miss Abbott, the sturdy but sweet-faced landlady of The Leaky Cauldron may seem like an odd choice for England's Most Eligible Bachelor since Ginny Weasley snagged Harry Potter but sources tell us that it was her simple charm and unassuming nature that attracted Longbottom.

While this news will undoubtedly create many broken hearts, witches of the world should rejoice that out of all the flashier women who tried to catch his eye, Longbottom went for someone a little more down-to-earth. If she can do it, so can you!

***

Correction: In last week's edition, we misspelled Mrs Asteria Malfoy's name. Our sincerest apologies for the mistake.




Odds & Ends

by Rita Skeeter

3rd September, 2011

Is it time for Minerva McGonagall to retire from her post as Headmistress of Hogwarts?

That's what some readers think after two students wandered into the Forbidden Forest and were accosted by a centaur. While the students were unharmed some parents believe that Miss McGonagall, who will turn 85 in October, is no longer up to the task of keeping Hogwarts safe.

This is the second such incident that has occurred during Miss McGonagall's tenure as Headmistress.

***

Everyone agrees that Hermione Granger-Weasley will need help if she wants to pass her Azkaban Reform Act through the Wizengamot but Vivian Lake, editor of Witch Weekly might have the most ingenious advice yet: a makeover!

'Like a lot of witches who are married and have young children, [Ms] Weasley-Granger has let her appearance fall to the wayside. The bushy, unkempt hair, the boxy pantsuits, and the lack of jewelry or make-up all lend credence to this perception of her as the harsh, shrill, and unfeminine. It's a shame.'

'My advice to her would be to find a stylist who could help. Wearing skirts, wearing heels, wearing a little make-up, possibly straightening her hair if it's too much for her to handle as it is now, could go a long way for both her image and her career. Remember, the Wizengamot is still 70% male. By dressing in a more feminine way and changing her manner so she seems more more like a peer and a friend than a nagging mother urging them to eat their vegetables, they might be more receptive to her and to her ideas."

The End.