She clubs them

by Anonymous

Summary:

Captchalogue Prompt: A troll auspistices hate between a troll and a kid
So in my headcanon, an auspistice can do any of three things for a couple:
1. Keep their platonic hate from boiling into a kismesissitude, probably because one or both caliginous parties already have a kismesis
2. Prevent an otherwise healthy kismesissitude from becoming too violent and thus dangerous to the caliginous parties or others
3. Stabilize a relationship that toggles from red to black
...and those are the only duties an auspistice will typically take on. But the current situation is not typical, so I'd like to see an auspistice trying to facilitate troll/human kismesis. This could also work with a human auspistice, but I think it'd be interesting to see a troll auspistice trying to deal with a nontraditional clubbed situation in order to handle a nontraditional spades situation. I mean, for a human, it would be trying to handle and advise their friend and one of those crazy trolls, but for a troll, it would be a corner of their own romantic life on the line - more intimate, more personal. I think it'd be cool to see.

Unsurprisingly, her morning starts with shouting. She is used to it by now, but she still sinks into her recuperacoon in an attempt to fall asleep again. It does nothing however, and so she finds herself quickly putting her clothes on, feeling around for her glasses and stumbling out of her room in an attempt to find the two criminals idiots responsible for her awakening. Sometimes, she hates them, despises them, but she lets go of these feeling quickly. She is the auspistice after all. She pities. And as Terezi walks down the dimly lit hall of the laboratory, she feels her pity for them growing, her mind focused only on pity, pity, pity, pity, so when she arrives at the crime scene, the tapping of her cane announcing her presence before she even takes the last turn, she already has a big toothy grin dripping with malice on her face. It gets even wider when she slings one of her arms around each of them and licks Karkat's cheek ignoring his shouts and sputtering, her mind screaming pity, pity, pity, pitiful. It is easy to pity Karkat, because his hate-crush is John, a human, incapable of the emotion Karkat desires. It is easy to pity John, because he loves Karkat, the incredible douchebag that hates him. And so she pities, pities them both when she pulls at John's cheek, bites Karkat's fingers and tells them to be a nice couple and stop fighting. She pities Karkat because he starts shouting at her to keep her nose out of their business, even though the same nose tells her he is happy that she's there. And she pities John for the grin he gives her, she can tell by the milky white smell, and the cheerful apology he gives her. Her head is spinning, she needs to sit down, and her smile is even wider now, splitting her face in two. Who is she kidding. They need her, those pitiful fools. They need her to have a stable relationship, because Gog, they can't do it alone. And she needs them. She pities them, with her whole heart, and as she smells them go off who knows where, Karkat still swearing, but calmer and John giggling and by the smell of it ruffling Karkat's hair, she knows that they're happy, and so is she. Even though their relationship is just a mockery of auspisticing, she loves it. Even though all three of them are messed up, she's so full of pity her heart could burst. This is the best job ever.