Actions

Work Header

Prize

Work Text:

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB]

CG: JOHN.
CG: WHAT THE HELL
EB: hey, karkat!
CG: WHAT THE HELL DID YOU JUST DO.
EB: oh, right.... i forgot about the viewport.
EB: i was going to talk to you about this later!
EB: i didn't really get it at first,
EB: but i was thinking about what you said, and i decided that you were right!
CG: WHAT THE FUCK DID I SAY.
CG: WAS IT, HEY JOHN, YOU KNOW WHAT WE'VE BEEN MISSING AROUND HERE?
CG: ASSHOLES LOSING THEIR SHIT AND GOING ON MURDER SPREES
CG: DO YOU THINK THAT YOU CAN HELP ME WITH THIS PROBLEM.
CG: OH MY GOD.
EB: noooooo.....
EB: it was the last conversation we had before meeting up.
EB: or i guess the first one, for you.
EB: about being tyrants, remember?
EB: you were going to be gods, and have an entire universe as your plaything.
EB: that does sound pretty sweet!
CG: OH MAN
CG: OH GOD
CG: WHY IS PAST ME SUCH A GRUBFUCKING IDIOT.
CG: IF I EVER MEET HIM I AM GOING TO SHOVE MY SICKLE THROUGH HIS BRAIN SPONGE.
EB: karkat! i think you need to stop being so hard on yourself.
EB: you're a pretty great guy!
CG: NO
CG: NO NO NO NO
CG: I DON'T WANT TO HEAR THIS FROM YOU.
EB: oh. because you still haaate me?
CG: NO.
CG: I MEAN YES, I HATE YOU.
CG: EVERY TIME I THINK YOU ARE THE BIGGEST PIECE OF SHIT POSSIBLE,
CG: IT TURNS OUT GOD TOOK ANOTHER DUMP SO BIG EVEN HE COULDN'T FLUSH IT
CG: AND ADDED IT TO THE JOHN EGBERT PILE
CG: YOU ARE A SHIT SINGULARITY SET TO SWALLOW ALL OF PARADOX SPACE
CG: AND I'M TRAPPED CIRCLING THE EVENT HORIZON TO THE LOAD GAPER OF YOUR EXISTENCE.
EB: ew!
CG: BUT IN THIS CASE YOU NEED TO SHUT THE HELL UP BECAUSE YOU ARE SHITHIVE MAGGOTS.
CG: IN RETROSPECT, YOUR WEIRD INFATUATION WITH ME TROLLING YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN A WARNING THAT SOMETHING IS SERIOUSLY WRONG WITH YOU.
CG: FUCK.
EB: but i told you, bro! i'm not infatuated with you.
EB: we're just buddies!
CG: FUCK THAT.
CG: AND FUCK YOU FOR TYPING THAT.
CG: AND FUCK ME FOR NOT UNDERSTANDING THE DEFINITION OF EARTH HUMAN BUDDIES.
CG: I GUESS I MISSED THE SMALL PRINT ON THE SHITTY EARTH HUMAN LABEL.
CG: WARNING: HAVING EARTH HUMAN BUDDIES MAY LEAD TO YOUR OXYGEN PROCESSING SACKS EXPLODING FROM YOUR TORSO.
CG: DO NOT USE IF YOU SUSPECT YOUR EARTH HUMAN BUDDY MAY FLIP OUT AND SPLATTER YOUR MUTANT COLOURED ORGAN MEATS ALL OVER THE ABANDONED LAB YOU'RE HIDING IN.
EB: siiiiiigh.
EB: yeah, i feel bad about how messy that was.
EB: but i had to do it quick! if he escaped, it's really hard to predict what would have happened!
CG: WHY WOULD YOU EVEN WANT TO KILL YOUR TIME PLAYER.
CG: I DON'T GET IT.
CG: PROBABLY BECAUSE I HAVEN'T GONE INSANE.
CG: DID YOU THINK THE EXTRA CHANCES WOULD MAKE FACING DOWN AN OMNIPOTENT INDESTRUCTIBLE DEMON TOO BORING OR SOMETHING?
EB: but we still have a time player. aradia!
EB: and she's god tier- that's way higher than dave is.
EB: ooops.
EB: "was."
EB: hehehe!
CG: OH GOD OH GOD
EB: sorry dude. this is why i wanted to talk to you later. it's kind of hard to explain!
EB: but rose figured out why we can't enter the new universe jade made.
EB: it's because the game is supposed be won by a single session.
EB: we have all these players with the same powers, so it doesn't know what to make of us.
EB: but once we only have one of each, we should finally be able to claim our prize!
EB: it's going to be great!
CG: BUT WHY TIME. WE'VE GOT OTHER DUPLICATES.
CG: WHY NOT START WITH THE PSYCHO LIGHT BITCHES.
CG: I NOTICE ROSE IS STILL IN THE FARTHEST RING DOING HER CREEPY GOTH THING, AND VRISKA
CG: ...
CG: JUST A MINUTE
CG: I NEED TO
CG: ...OH FUCK. SHE'S NOT ANSWERING.
EB: yeaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh........
CG: OH GOD.
CG: I THOUGHT YOU LIKED HER. YOU WERE THE ONLY FUCKING ONE.
CG: I THOUGHT YOU WERE BUGFUCK NUTS BECAUSE YOU LIKED HER.
CG: HA HA HA HA HA
CG: JOKE'S ON ME.
CG: YOUR PRANKSTER'S GAMBIT MUST BE SHATTERING ITS METER.
CG: PURPLE RECTANGLES CARVED FROM PUREST BULLSHIT FLYING EVERYWHERE.
EB: hehehehe! yeah, it's pretty full right now.
EB: anyway, i did like her!
EB: but rose has more useful talents, even if she's not god tier.
EB: we need a seer more than a thief,
EB: and vriska was kind of untrustworthy, even when she tried not to be.
EB: no offense!
CG: WHAT THE HELL.
CG: ARE YOU EVEN READING WHAT YOU'RE TYPING.
CG: OR IS THAT A THING BATSHIT PSYCHO MURDERERS GET TO OPT OUT OF NOW.
CG: WAIT.
CG: "A SEER."
CG: OH GOD
CG: OH MAN
EB: what?
CG: JOHN.
CG: I NEED TO
CG: JUST TELL ME. ARE YOU CULLING OUR DUPLICATE CLASSES AS WELL AS ASPECTS?
EB: hahaha! don't worry, bro, there's only one knight left in this game.
EB: but no, rose didn't say anything about the classes.
EB: i guess i will ask her later, when i tell her what i am up to!
CG: OKAY.
CG: THAT'S NOT ACTUALLY REASSURING.
CG: BUT OKAY FOR NOW.
CG: LET'S WAIT FOR ROSE TO COME BACK.
CG: PRESS THE PAUSE BUTTON FOR THE KILLING RAMPAGE AND COME BACK TO IT LATER.
CG: HAVE AN INTERMISSION
CG: GIVE ME A CHANCE TO USE THE LOAD GAPER
CG: AND GET A GRUBSAUCE REFILL
CG: AND CURL UP IN THE CORNER
CG: AND FLIP THE FUCK OUT SO BADLY I CAN'T EVEN COME UP WITH A SHITTY METAPHOR FOR IT.
EB: oh, yeah, i can feel that you're hyperventilating a bit.
EB: here! i can help you with that!
CG: NO DON'T
CG: DSF;LKHAS
CG: ARRGHHH
EB: wow, troll lungs sure are different from human ones.
CG: WHAT ARE YOU DOING
CG: STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT
CG: FUCK
CG: PLEASE
CG: STOP
EB: are you feeling better yet, buddy?
CG: IF I SAY YES WILL YOU STOP
EB: of course! i was just getting a little concerned.
EB: it would really suck if you passed out from lack of oxygen.
EB: but don't worry, you've got the heir of breath looking out for you!
EB: hehehehe!
CG: OH GOD
EB: anyway, i'm about three minutes from your room, so maybe we should continue this conversation in person?
CG: YOU ARE?
CG: FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
EB: well, yeah, karkat. we had plans to watch movies tonight.
EB: i know you didn't forget, because you were messaging me all day about how shitty my movies always are!
CG: RIGHT. UH.
CG: YOU KNOW WHAT
CG: SOMETHING CAME UP.
CG: THERE'S AN EMERGENCY.
CG: TONIGHT IS REALLY BAD FOR ME AFTER ALL.
CG: CAN WE CANCEL?
EB: i guess...
EB: i just think it would be a bad idea!
EB: i brought failure to launch, with matthew mcconaughey. i think you'll like this one!
EB: and we need to talk about our space player.
CG: OH FUCK KANAYA AND JADE.
CG: WHICH ONE DID YOU
CG: FUCK I CAN'T EVEN TYPE THIS.
EB: yeah, that's what we need to talk about!
EB: like, jade is really smart, and she's my best friend and sort of my sister.
EB: but kanaya is an alien vampire, which is totally cool, and i guess she is also sort of your girlfriend?
EB: and maybe rose's as well?
EB: bluh, i still don't understand how your alien romance works.
CG: I DON'T GIVE A RANCID HOOFBEAST ASSFUCK ABOUT OUR ALIEN ROMANCE RIGHT NOW.
CG: AND THIS IS ME YOU'RE TALKING TO,
CG: SO IT MUST REALLY NOT MATTER NUBGRINDING SQUAT.
EB: whatever! i'm just saying i don't know enough about kanaya.
EB: but you do, and you're pretty great friends with jade too.
EB: so it's probably better if you decide between them!
CG: OH GOD
CG: I CAN'T FUCKING
CG: OH GOD
CG: MY BRAIN HAS JUST MELTED
CG: IT'S POOLING IN MY AURICULAR SPONGE CLOTS
CG: THE ROOM IS SPINNING
CG: I GUESS BECAUSE IT'S ON THIS PIECE OF SHIT METEOR HA HA HA HA
EB: um, are you alright? it feels like you're starting to hyperventilate again.
CG: NO NO I'M FINE NO NO NO FUCK YOU FUCK NO
EB: look, karkat, i'm not saying you need to tell me right now.
EB: i know it's a big decision!
EB: so we can watch failure to launch and then one of your weird troll movies that don't make any sense!
EB: and we can talk about which one is better.
EB: uh, out of jade and kanaya...
EB: but i guess we can talk about the movies too!
CG: NO. I CAN'T DO THIS.
EB: sorry, but you kind of don't have a choice!
CG: NO.
EB: and i brought popcorn!
CG: I HATE YOU.
EB: suuuure you do, karkat.
EB: oh man! when we get our new universe, we need to track down its version of matthew mcconaughey and enslave him!
EB: force him to star in sooo many movies!
EB: i can't wait!
EB: this is going to be so awesome!!!

ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG]