What, Like the Back of a Volkswagon?

by kho

Summary:

"She said we were retarded for each other, and then she said she knew that was harsh sounding but that I'd get it if I was a Kevin Smith fan. Then she said something about how it was really unfortunate that I wasn't a Kevin Smith fan, because if I was I'd also understand how you were Banky and I was Holden."

Notes:

This fic is to be blamed on my Inner Sap’s inability to shut up, and my love for Kevin Smith. Seriously, I invoke so much Kevin Smith in this fic I might as well call it a crossover. LOL. (But really? You may want to watch the Holden/Alyssa scene I reference first, because while you don’t need to know all of Chasing Amy to get this, you do need to know that scene

After John and Rodney have been fucking for around six months, which not coincidentally is the same amount of time that they've been back in Pegasus and Jennifer had decided to not join them there, Rodney tells John that Jennifer saw it coming well before he did.

"Huh," John says, and then bites Rodney's shoulder and starts tonguing his way up Rodney's neck to his ear, his hand slipping down Rodney’s pants. Rodney knew he would do this because every time he tries to talk about this to John, John gets a pinched look on his face and distracts Rodney with sex.

It works 99.9999% of the time, but this is that 0.0001%. "She said we were retarded for each other, and then she said she knew that was harsh sounding but that I'd get it if I was a Kevin Smith fan. Then she said something about how it was really unfortunate that I wasn't a Kevin Smith fan, because if I was I'd also understand how you were Banky and I was Holden."

John pulled back and extricated his hand from inside Rodney's pants. "What?"

"So I borrowed Chasing Amy," Rodney finished, holding up the burnt DVD.

So they watch, and they laugh, and Rodney maybe tears up a little bit, and John maybe doesn't make fun of him for it. At the end they look at each other and John says, "So was she trying to say she was bisexual?" and Rodney says, "No, I think she was trying to say that you got all sullen when we started dating because you were in love with me and she was taking up all of my time."

John says, "I did not get all sullen," and Rodney says, "You really kind of did."

"Maybe she was saying you were an idiot and could have had a threesome with me and her if you were paying attention," John says with a smirk and Rodney smacks him upside the head and kisses him and they do it on the couch and then again in the bed.

Later, when John's sleeping the sleep of the dead, sawing logs and drooling on Rodney's pillow, Rodney rewinds to the bit with Holden and Alyssa in the car and thinks, "God, who even talks like that!" He tears up again though, because it's lame and cheesy and overly-emotional and unrealistic, but it's a damned moving scene and it speaks to the way he feels about John in ways he’d never be able to voice.

No one makes flowery speeches and says I love you that poetically and sweepingly romantically except if you're in a movie.

But that's not entirely true. Sometimes it is flowery and poetic and sweepingly romantic. If...

1. You have a brain-cell killing/inhibiting parasite eating away in your brain:

"I love you. I have for some time now."

(Jennifer thought he was talking to her, and John never saw the tape.)

2. You have a concussion because you fell and hit your head on a rock while you and your team were running back to the gate:

"Hey, before I die, I just wanted to tell you that I love you, John," Rodney says, gripping John's hand tight in his as he's wheeled to the infirmary on top of the stretcher. "And sometimes I feel like I can't even breathe when I'm in the same room as you because you take my breath away, and I don't mean because you're pretty, though you are, and I don't mean because it's usually just after we've run away from villagers with pitchforks, but that does happen with alarming frequency, but because I love you and it's all so overwhelming I just can't seem to catch my breath."

John smiles down at him and pats his hand. "Okay buddy, you'll be all right."

(Rodney's lip is split and the knot on his head is growing in a scarily rapid manner and he's slurring, so this is what John actually hears: "Die, tell you... breathe... pitchforks, often. Like. You, overwhelming. Breath." And a whole lot of mumbling between.)

3. You drank a drink that was ruffie'd and intended for someone else entirely:

"I feel very strange, do you feel very strange? I think my tongue is covered in fuzz."

John frowned at him and peered into Rodney's eyes. "You're eyes are pretty dilated, how much have you had to drink?"

Rodney's eyelids droop and droop. "Um. One and a half beers. Beer. Beers. What's the plural?"

John grabs Rodney's chin and snaps his fingers in Rodney's face. "Hey, buddy, snap out of it, you're starting to freak me out here. Are you sure you only had one and a half?"

"Mmm," Rodney says, nodding. "M'certain. Also? You're pretty."

John nods, scanning the bar with his eyes. There's a very drunk girl sitting next to a very agitated, gropey guy and John feels cold anger rip through him. "Stay here," he says to Rodney.

"Okay, I’m’a take a nap," Rodney says, and slumps over the bar and puts his head down to do just that.

John grabs the kid by the scruff of the neck and yells at him to tell him what he put in Rodney's drink, and the kid says he's sorry it wasn't meant for Rodney, and John tells the bartender to call the girl a cab and not let the boy ride with her.

He comes back over to Rodney and hauls him up and manages to crabwalk him out to his car. "Sorry, Rodney, you got someone else's date rape."

"You can rape me if you want to," Rodney slurs, grinning at John as he pours him into the passenger seat. "Won't be rape though 'cause of how I want you to."

John frowns over at Rodney and reaches over to buckle him in. Rodney clasps John's head in his hands and kisses him, and says, "I love you so much, John, I always have."

(Rodney will never remember this happened.)

4. You have a really bad cold with a really high fever:

"Hey, don't leave me."

Rodney covers him up with a blanket and tucks it around him, feeling his forehead and frowning. "Okay when do you know it's time to go to the hospital?"

"There's nothing they could do for him there that I can't do for him here," Jennifer says, sitting next to John and pressing a cold compress to John's head. "Go boil some chicken broth."

"Rodney, Rodney, don't leave me here," John says, hand flying out to catch Rodney's hand. "Your eyes are red and glowy."

"No, but your eyes are, seriously are the whites supposed to be all pink like that?"

Jennifer stood and patted Rodney's shoulder. "Here, you stay with him and I'll make the chicken broth."

Rodney sits down on the couch next to John and is shocked when John curls his arms around his waist and folds himself around Rodney's torso like a cat. "Okay," he says, stroking his hand down John's back. "Oh, I am so going to catch this damn cold."

"I'm glad that I get to die in your arms. You're so warm," John says, shivering and trembling, voice low and quiet.

"Jesus, you're not going to die," Rodney says, laughing. He tugs the blanket more securely around John's body. "It's a cold, you big baby."

John presses his face into Rodney's belly and kisses him, and Rodney stares down in shock at John's lips on his bare skin. "Love you, McKay," John whispers, and it sends a shiver down Rodney's spine.

(Rodney will lie awake for months, wondering if John really meant it or if it was just the fever talking.)

5. You're really, very, incredibly drunk:

"Rodney, Rodney, hey," John says, slurring badly and drooling a little on Rodney's shoulder. "Hi Rodney."

"Yes, hello, John, if you're going to puke could you please point that way when you do so?"

John grins and hugs Rodney across the neck tight tight tight, until Rodney gags and he realizes he's choking him. "I love you, man. You know that? I love you."

"Well, okay then," Rodney says. "And I feel similarly."

"No," John whines, slithering to the floor and landing in a pile of shitfaced Lieutenant Colonel in Jennifer's kitchen at 2am. "God, Rodney, you don't get it."

Rodney bends down and hooks his hands under John's arms and hauls him up. "Okay, you're way too heavy for this."

"I love you like, like waves, Rodney," John says, turning Rodney to face him and giving him a Very Stern Look. "Like the sky and the salty air and the waves, all free and... bouncy and... and can I have an omelet? I am starving."

Rodney steers him over to the table and sits him down. "I can fry you up some eggs but I've never been good at omelets."

John props his head in his hand and stares at Rodney's ass for a minute, and then looks back at his face. "I love you like 11G's in an F-16, Rodney."

"And you are my very good friend as well, John, now hush, Jennifer is sleeping," Rodney says, stirring the eggs hurriedly with a fork and not looking over his shoulder in time to see John's desperate look.

"Like ferris wheels," John says dejectedly, frowning and sighing heavily.

(Rodney was more than a little drunk himself and was more concerned with not waking up Jennifer than he was paying attention to John's drunken ramblings.)

6. The man you're in love with has been accidentally ruffie'd and has just confessed that he loves you:

"I love you so, much John, I always have," Rodney says as he kisses him.

John feels his heart flip over in his chest and he puts his hands on either side of Rodney's face and allows himself to kiss Rodney back for no longer than twenty seconds. Then he leans back and presses his forehead to Rodney's and says, "And I love you more than you'll ever know, and that's why I can't let you do this. You're drugged, Rodney, and you don’t mean this."

(John will lie awake at night for months, wondering if it was the ruffie talking or if Rodney really did feel like that.)

7. You've just had (or are having) a mindblowingly incredible orgasm:

"Yes, right-- oh, God, Rodney-- yes, please, I love you, oh God I love you so much, nuhhhhh," John's saying, doubling over as the orgasm rocks him, shakes him and shakes him and shakes him, leaves him trembling from head to toe, exhausted and spent and out of his head stupid.

"Oh wow," Rodney says, panting and falling back to the bed. "That's our best time yet. That whole tantric sex thing is so worth it."

"Mmmmmm."

(Neither one of them actually heard John say it because they were both too busy coming.)

--

Actually, what really happens is this…

Rodney shuts off the DVD and sits in the dark long enough to almost start to doze on the couch. As he settles back into bed John rolls over and buries his face in Rodney's neck.

Just as Rodney's about to drowse off John runs his hand over Rodney's stomach and says, very softly, "Rodney? I'd never need a stupid painting of birds either."

(What Rodney hears is, "I love you, Rodney.")

Rodney tightens his grip on John and says, "Me either."

(What John hears is "I love you too, John.")

Notes:

1. I know, I know, calling someone retarded is wrong and offensive, but dude if you’ve seen Mallrats you will understand why I call any two people head over heels stupid in love with each other “retarded for each other.”

[Brodie Bruce speaking of T.S. and Brandi's love]
Brodie: You two are retarded for each other.

Watch the scene..

2. The title of the fic also comes from Mallrats:

Shannon Hamilton: You see, Bruce, I like to pick up girls on the rebound from a disappointing relationship. They're much more in need of solace and they're fairly open to suggestion. And, I use that to fuck them some place very uncomfortable.
Brodie: What, like the back of a Volkswagen?

Wherein that “uncomfortable” place is, ya know, anal sex. And… well. It fits, yo. It's a running gag throughout the movie and is actually quite funny, not just creepy as it may come across in this quote.

3. Chasing Amy: Seriously, no lie, this is all one five minute bit spoken entirely by Ben Affleck without interruption, and it never ever fails to bring me to tears. Go watch the video, I linked you to it, but, here’s the speech in text. It is very, very easy for me to imagine that this could be, exactly, word for word, a speech that Rodney would give to John.

Holden: I love you. And not, not in a friendly way, although I think we're great friends. And not in a misplaced affection, puppy-dog way, although I'm sure that's what you'll call it. I love you. Very, very simple, very truly. You are the-the epitome of everything I have ever looked for in another human being. And I know that you think of me as just a friend, and crossing that line is-is-is the furthest thing from an option you would ever consider. But I had to say it. I just, I can't take this anymore. I can't stand next to you without wanting to hold you. I can't-I can't look into your eyes without feeling that-that longing you only read about in trashy romance novels. I can't talk to you without wanting to express my love for everything you are. And I know this will probably queer our friendship - no pun intended - but I had to say it, 'cause I've never felt this way before, and I-I don't care. I like who I am because of it. And if bringing this to light means we can't hang out anymore, then that hurts me. But God, I just, I couldn't allow another day to go by without just getting it out there, regardless of the outcome, which by the look on your face is to be the inevitable shoot-down. And, you know, I'll accept that. But I know, I know that some part of you is hesitating for a moment, and if there's a moment of hesitation, then that means you feel something too. And all I ask, please, is that you just - you just not dismiss that, and try to dwell in it for just ten seconds. Alyssa, there isn't another soul on this fucking planet who has ever made me half the person I am when I'm with you, and I would risk this friendship for the chance to take it to the next plateau. Because it is there between you and me. You can't deny that. Even if, you know, even if we never talk again after tonight, please know that I am forever changed because of who you are and what you've meant to me, which - while I do appreciate it - I'd never need a painting of birds bought at a diner to remind me of.