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SOSburb

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The calls of seagulls echo across the sky. You wipe the sweat from your brow. The ruins of stone stand before you, once majestic but now crumbling, and you can smell the ancient dust.

They sure are ruins.

Yep.

...

You guess you're supposed to, like, investigate 'em or something? You figure the runes that are mentioned in the Land's title are inside the ruins?

Ruin runes. Heh.

God, is this really what you're going to be doing? This is so lame. Why can't you beat the crap out of something? Or just do something more like... running and jumping and defeating enemies and stuff? How exactly are you supposed to bring joy sifting through dusty ruins and tombs and shit?

Maybe you're just underestimating this game, though. Maybe there are mummies or something in there. That would be pretty cool, you guess. Ooh, and maybe there's an ancient curse! And maybe some traps, Indiana Jones style. Yeah that'd be awesome!

You don't know what you were thinking. This is totally gonna be cool! All right, let's do this thing!

LATER, NEAR THE END OF THE DAY

Nope, just some boring old ruins. God dammit.

Well, that's not totally true. There are some monsters in there that you have to kill. Well, actually, just more imps, but you know. Also, for some reason, dogs. You don't know why exactly there are dogs, but they've been very helpful, so there's no reason to look a gift dog in the mouth, you suppose.

But no mummies, no curses, not even any cool traps. Well, a couple of traps, but they were lame. You were hoping for something flashy, but there were just a lot of dead ends. There weren't even any like pits or rocks that would trap you inside a room. (Although you ought to be thankful for that, you suppose, since you can't really punch away rocks. Or maybe if you alchemized some turbo gloves or something, but you kind of left all the alchemy equipment behind. You made all sorts of random crap, but in retrospect you really should have tried to upgrade your weapon. Maybe later in the game you'll get a chance for that.)

Anyway, yeah. It's been really boring and lame and you're starting to think this game is stupid and dumb. You're so bored you actually decided to check in with Kyon. Even talking to him and hearing all about his boring crap in his boring land is sure to be more interesting than trying to translate more crappy runes that you don't understand.

-- ultraDirector [UD] began pestering ordinaryHuman [OH] --

UD: HEY, kyon! HOW are YOU doing?
UD: WHAT'S your LAND called AGAIN?

OH: the land of hills and fairies.
UD: I bet YOU'VE been HAVING lots OF fun!
OH: yeah, i've been having a fucking PEACHY time over here
OH: i just have to climb up and down these fucking hills
OH: (and lemme tell ya, it gets really tiring after a while!)
OH: and i have to deal with these stupid lightbulb imps that blind me
OH: plus the fairies, don't even get me started on them.

UD: WHAT'S wrong WITH fairies? THEY sound COOL! i LIKE fairies!
OH: that's because you've never met any.
OH: i mean, if you really read up on them, fairies are assholes.
OH: but what really seals the deal is... well
OH: they are basically little copies of you.

UD: ARE you SAYING that I'M an ASSHOLE? >:(
OH: no, i'm being literal.
OH: these are actual, factual copies of you or something.
OH: they all look exactly like you, they all act exactly like you
OH: and they all answer to the name haruhi, and they all apparently know who i am. they are basically you in every way.
OH: well, except they're also these... i dunno, they have a sort of caste system?
OH: they'll all refer to each other by number. you know, haruhi #413612 or something, but just the number for short
OH: and apparently there's like a "fairy queen" who's their boss, kinda like... bees i guess?
OH: only not really, more like sort of a totalitarian dictatorship or something
OH: or, that's not the right word...
OH: autocracy?

UD: KYON, i REALLY don't GIVE a SHIT about THE implications OF tiny FAIRY versions OF me ON political PHILOSOPHY!
UD: ANYWAY, what's THE problem WITH that? YOU'RE boring BY yourself, SO having ALL that EXTRA me AROUND you WILL make YOUR life LESS lame!

OH: they're annoying.
OH: they don't leave me alone.
OH: i mean i can deal with one of you pretty well. but times thousands? (and there really are thousands, i asked)
OH: it gets old veeeeery fast.

UD: LET me TALK to ONE!
OH: let me think about that no.
OH: no you cannot.
OH: so, how's your shit been?

UD: BOOOOORIIIIIIIIING!
UD: I thought THIS would BE cool, BUT it's JUST been BORING rune TRANSLATING and STUFF!
UD: WHY are YOU even ASKING? you CAN see ALL this!

OH: i just wanted to change the subject. not actually interested very much.
UD: UGH! you ARE so LAME.
UD: FORGET it. I'LL talk TO you LATER!

-- ultraDirector [UD] ceased pestering ordinaryHuman [OH] --

>Haruhi: Be Kyon.

You cannot be Kyon, because Kyon refuses to let you control him! Looks like you'll just have to push him around using your usual methods of intimidation and coercion.

>Haruhi: Be Fairy Haruhi #70707.

Sure, why not. You are now Fairy Haruhi #70707.

Whee! You're a fairy. Fairies are cool! This is so much fun! It's fun being a fairy and flying around. But now it's even more fun because there's someone to bother!

"Hey, listen up, stupid!" you say, flitting around in his face.

"Oh christ. What is it now?" Kyon looks mad. He's funny!

"I've got something important to tell you!"

"All right, fine." He sighs. "What do you need to tell me?"

"I'm telling you that you're super lame and boring. Seriously, what are you doing?"

"I'm making shelter, dumbass. What does it look like I'm doing?"

"You're supposed to be climbing hills and killing enemies!"

"Okay, first of all, I'm not climbing any more of those goddamn hills today. It's the most infuriatingly pointless thing I can think of and exhausting besides. I wish I hadn't started playing SOSburb. If I was living a normal life I'd never have to climb all these stupid goddamn hills all the time. And second, I've already killed plenty of enemies."

"Bah, you're so lame. Setting up your stupid shelters so you can just sleep."

"It's important for growing teenagers to get all the rest they need. It's a human thing. Not something you'd understand, being an annoying fairy."

"Bluh bluh bluh, I'm Kyon, I need my rest, I'm so lame and I don't do anything because I'm responsible whatever that means, I'm gonna lose at SOSburb 'cuz I do stupid things that are stupid and dumb and even though awesome fairies are giving me all kinds of good advice I won't take it 'cuz I'm so normal it's depressing, I smell like-"

SHOOSH!

"Hey! Don't you swat at me, I'm not a bug! You don't want me to unleash this can of magical whoop-ass on you!"

"Whatever. Anyway, you're not allowed to imitate me. I am adding that right now to the Things You're Not Allowed to Do List."

"You're stupid. That's stupid. I'm not gonna follow your stupid list of rules!"

"Nope, you are. Don't you want to meet the original Haruhi?"

"...Fine. I'll follow your rules. But only out of loyalty to the legendary Original One! Not because I'm answering to you or anything."

"Great. Good night!" Kyon gets into his little tent that he's been setting up and zips it up.

You fly right through the tent into his room.

"Oh, fuck! You're too bright!" He shields his eyes.

"What, you weren't lonely without me? Come on. I just wanted to use my musical fairy magic to sing you a lullaby!"

He sighs. "Fine, go for it."

You begin to sing.

Kyon doesn't even say anything. He just grabs you and throws you out of his tent.