1. ...none of these factors are likely to make you feel anything but fucking miserable.
Leonard had engaged in coitus with yet another woman. He violated the roommate agreement. He forced Sheldon into a position where he had to keep a secret. He wasted all Sheldon's hard work creating a perfect alibi. All for Priya, a woman he had seen twice in five years. Sheldon wasn't jealous. He was above feelings like jealousy. And lust. And love.
If Leonard were more observant, he would have noticed the grinder labeled "insects only". Sheldon washed the catepillars before grinding them, he didn't want Leonard to get sick. After all, Leonard was his very best friend in the world.
2. I hadn't thought of that.
"Apples and oranges, Sheldon!"
Okay, she had sent Leonard to retrieve her tv from Kurt but that was totally different. She had felt an immediate kinship with Leonard. He was kind, and sweet and ridiculously intelligent. She looked into his eyes and saw a man she could trust.
Yes, he had been obviously attracted to her and eager to get to know her. Even Sheldon had given her some serious bedroom eyes when she admired his whiteboard.
Now Sheldon's blue eyes were focused on the History channel.
"Chinese is on me tonight."
Sheldon's eyes lit up. Fuck Alicia. Penny loved her boys.
3. I was the only one that didn't have a college degree.
The problem wasn't that Zach was stupid. The real problem was two-fold. One, he didn't realize Penny was smarter than him. Two, Penny didn't feel smart when she was with him. She felt like an idiot. The kind of idiot that went on a date with someone who thought "appiteaser" was clever.
She should have stayed on the roof playing Wendy to her lost boys. Among those mental giants, she felt ill-educated and stupid but never small. They understood how the universe began but they sat at her feet to hear how the world worked. She knocked on Leonard's door.
4. I mean, you should have seen him.
Sheldon reminds me of my younger brother, Tim. They're both so smart and really so sweet when you get to know them. They just don't connect with other people. I try to imagine if Timmy had played on a Christian bowling team. Maybe he'd have become a real chemist. And what if Sheldon had started drinking and smoking pot when he was 12? Maybe he'd be mixing meth in a bathtub.
So I love my little whackadoodle. I took him shopping for a suit because I wanted to see him looking handsome and grown-up, not sexy. Never sexy. Bad Penny.
5. "Yeah. Or I really will kill myself..."
Leonard took him to buy a new toothbrush but still...
How many times had he used that toothbrush after it had been in Raj's mouth? There was the UV but still...
Sheldon spent the evening gargling and flossing but he could feel those foreign germs. Hadn't Raj said there were frequent outbreaks of cholera in India?
He took his temperature, measured his urine output.
"When did it happen, Leonard? I need to know!"
"Forget it, Sheldon! It happened, you survived! He washed it off. You didn't get cooties."
"But it's my toothbrush..."
"You fed me fucking bugs! Now shuuuut up!"
6. "Fuck off."
"Nice pants, do they come in men's sizes?" giggled the beautiful blonde.
She was out of Howard's league, he had no business hitting on her. Still, Penny didn't see any need to be mean.
The worst part was, she was really getting to Howard. He tried to laugh it off but Penny could see the tension in his jaw.
Raj stared at his popcorn. Sheldon twitched and looked to Leonard for guidance. Leonard stared at the blonde with big sad eyes, willing her to experience empathy for someone she could only see as a loser.
Penny said, "Back off my boyfriend, bitch!"
7. So anyway.
"I have not been with 32 men! Not even close. Where did you get that number?"
"I thought I made the math clear..."
"Did you take into account I was with Leonard for almost a year? And Kurt for four years?"
"I did but you've described the relationship with Kurt as being 'on and off' so..."
"32? That's ridiculous. And offensive."
"How can a mathematical extrapolation be offensive?"
"Well, let me extrapolate how many women you've been with. Carry the one, divide by the square root... That's right! Zero!"
"Logical but incorrect."
"That would make 5."
8. And JJ gave him some things to say, as if he were an actor and we were in a soap.
"The next time you speak to Amy Farrah Fowler's mother, you might want to avoid words like coitus and vagina."
"But, Leonard, how else can we convey the false premise that we are in a romantic relationship?"
"Say things like, 'I really like your daughter. She makes me happy.'"
"Transparently fallacious. Amy doesn't make people happy. She's not a clown at a children's hospital. She shares my aversion to sick people."
"What do you like about Amy?"
"She shares many of my aversions. She makes amusing puns. She plays my games."
"Why do you like her more than me?"
9. "Are you two going out?"
"Are you two going out?" he asked incredulously.
Penny was glad it was Sheldon, this time, and not Leonard. She hated the look in his eyes every time they got this reaction. They never talked about it but it hung between them. She was beautiful and desirable and all Leonard had to offer was his brilliance, his kindness and a glimpse into a world most people never saw.
She wound herself up to tell this handsome jock that she was proud to be out with Sheldon Cooper because he was brilliant and special...
"We're already outside," his blue eyes registering nothing but confusion.
10. And yet, Jess had come the closest of all of us to going over.
It was easy to live with Sheldon. He came with a manual. Everything was written out in the roommate agreement. He had no filter between his brain and his mouth. He loathed physical contact and found the emotions of others to be disturbing and frightening. It was like being home. As much as Leonard longed for a different life, he was comfortable with rules and boundaries.
Leonard made Sheldon pull out the roommate agreement and wrote in rules about performing experiments without informed consent and tampering with foodstuffs.
He put his hand on Sheldon's shoulder. Sheldon never flinched.