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The Minion Verse

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"Wait, wait, wait…we’re not doing this," the girl says, clapping her hands together. 

The minions grumble and disperse around Steve. The last one side eyeing the girl and poking his ribs with a mop handle. Another minion siddles up to the one with the mop  and smacks him upside the head. The minions argue over the mop, gloved hands slapping at each other until the mop clatters to the floor.

Steve grunts in pain but makes no other move keeping his hands held high above his head. “We need to stop meeting like this,” he says with mouth twisting up in a crooked smile. You're an idiot, he thinks. Steve isn't entirely sure what's going on here. One minute he was headed home still in his suit,  a small skirmish with Doombots that wrecked a Starbucks, the next he was on a cluttered van surrounded by warm yellow bodies that smelled of play-doh, and jabbered in a language he couldn't fathom. He could still smell the burnt coffee that seeped into his boots. The left one squished when he shifted his feet.

"Isn’t that rather cliche, Captain?" she asks, batting away one of the minions tugging at the soft folds of her fluffy robe. It’s blue covered in sleepy clouds with a yawning sun peering out from the pocket. Under the robe he can see one fuzzy pink slipper with a spiralling golden horn, long curly eyelashes, and dull plastic eyes staring vacantly into his soul. "You know we're not the bad guys, right?"

"Steve," he says, lowering his hands to his sides. He's more than a little relieved that she didn't comment on his stumbling line. 

"Okay, Steve, how did you get in here?” 

Steve lowers his gaze to the minion gripping her robe. She looks at him blankly and he arches his left brow. 

"Oh. Oh, no," she sights running a hand through her loose hair. "No, you did not bring the real Captain America home. Why did you bring him here, Fred?"

"Para tú," the minion, Fred, says wringing his small gloved  hands together. "Darcy."

"For me? Why would you bring him here? Dad’s gonna kill me,"  Darcy says crossing her arms over her chest. The unicorn slipper stamping on the ground. Steve’s not sure if its meant to be impressive or not but the minions around the edges of the room make an ‘oooh’ sound and shuffle around.

"La boda," pipes up a smaller minion. A single eye in the middle of his yellow forehead. The minion points from Darcy to Steve. Her eyes go wide and pink warms her cheeks. Steve thought she was beautiful before, when he thought she was a villain and it turned out she wasn’t quite what she seemed to be, but now? Now with the blush on her cheeks and he blue eyes wide and bright she was gorgeous. Even dressed in ridiculous unicorn slippers. 

"No, Dave, no," Darcy says shaking her head and carefully avoiding Steve’s eyes. The minions all begin to babble at once. One keeps saying ‘potato’ over and over again and the rest keep pointing back and forth between Steve and Darcy. "No."

"Da," says Fred. The rest of the minions nod, broad smiles on their faces.

"No," she repeats. 

"No, what?" Steve gives in and asks. Really he has no idea what’s going since he woke up in a sea of yellow limbs and blue denim. 

"Da, da, da, da," chorus the minions. 

"Cap," says Fred pointing at Steve and tugging on Darcy’s hand.  The minions start repeating ‘Cap’ and ‘Darcy’ over and over.

One minion starts blowing raspberries. There are hands on Steve’s back, shoving him forward to meet Darcy in the middle of the room. His left boot squishes unpleasantly. 

"I’m not marrying him," Darcy says waving her hand about and smacking Steve in the chest. Her nose wrinkles and he's pretty sure she can smell the coffee that's soaked into the lower half of his uniform. He really should have gone back to the tower instead of taking the train home.

Oh, Steve thinks. “Is that what—”  

"Da," the minions cheer. "Date, date, date."

"I don’t think," he starts and Darcy levels her gaze at him. She’s tiny standing there in her silly slippers and wild hair. He’d be lying to himself if he didn’t admit he wanted to push back the strands of dark hair covering her left eye. Or kiss her. His eyes drop down to the curve of her berry pink lips. "You know what? Yeah, okay, a date." 


"I’d like to date a girl before I marry her," Steve says. It’s probably the smoothest line he has ever said and still he can hear the echo of Bucky’s laughter in his head.

"M’kay," Darcy says softly. She doesn't look entirely convinced, and he isn't entirely sure either.

The minions titter and cheer, clustering close around Darcy and hugging her. Small hands pat him on the back and one pinches his ass and starts giggling saying ‘bottom’ over and over.

He’s pretty sure he’s going to owe Fury another ten dollars after tonight, but at least he has a date.