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Three Sentence Alternate Universe Fics

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partytimexelent: Steve/Tony, Pretty Woman AU. Work your magic.

"Jesus Christ," Tony said. "I'd like to live long enough to actually get what I paid for from you."

"Hm?" Steve asked, from behind the wheel of the sports car.


tygermama: Steve/Tony, they each run their own food truck.

It began when the guy who owned Iron Man Health Smoothies asked to borrow one of his blenders, and returned it souped-up and chromed.

Steve, owner of All American Milkshakes, shook his head and stealthily crept across the parking lot one night to custom-paint the Iron Man Health Smoothies truck.

Really, the months of bickering followed by years of frantic sex should have been a foregone conclusion.


Quidam9: Steve/Tony, mermaid (merpeople?) AU!

"You know, I know you like to make fun of the suit," Tony said, "but do you know what a bitch it is getting plate armor to fit over a fish tail?"

"I'd like to get to know how to get the plate armor off the fish tail," Steve replied.

Tony's jaw dropped, and Steve reached for the lock-release button.


Sigmundite: Tony/Steve, at the Melting Pot.

"I never really understood what your dad meant when he said it was bread and cheese," Steve said, losing another cube of bread in the cheese sauce.

"While it may have been a tactical error to take you on a first date to a fondue restaurant, can we not discuss my father right now?" Tony asked.

"Date?" Steve asked, looking pleased, and Tony abruptly dropped a forkful of cheesy bread on his lap.


futilejubilee: Tony/Steve, Fight Club AU.

I love how you guys assume I have seen movies. I haven't seen movies!

"The first rule of fight club is that you don't talk about fight club," Steve said. "The second rule of fight club is that you don't talk about fight club."

"Can the third rule of fight club be that you don't punch people half your size like me?" Tony asked, and Steve gave him a feral grin.


Akatonbo: Tony/Steve, Baseball AU FTW!

Steve Rogers, starting pitcher for the New York Avengers, sipped his beer and regarded his teammate with concern as Tony Stark (lifetime batting average .375) visibly turned the problem in front of them over in his mind.

"So," Tony said, "How many pitcher-and-catcher jokes do you think we're gonna get when we come out as boyfriends? All of them, right?"


Shirokou: Tony/Steve. Tony's a cat burglar and Steve's like "not in my house" *finger wag*.

"What exactly were you hoping to get out of this?" Steve asked, as he handcuffed the burglar to the handy vertical iron bars of his headboard.

"Well, I was hoping for cash," the burglar said, "but honestly, I'm enjoying where this is going."

Steve flushed, but he didn't disagree.


antisock: Tony/Steve, living in Night Vale.

"Do you ever miss the outside world?" Steve asked, as they watched the lights dance over the Arby's.

"I miss wheat and wheat by-products sometimes," Tony said, "but the schools are just so much better here for the kids."

"It really is the only place to live if you want them to have proper firearms training by the time they're driving," Steve agreed, and settled an arm around Tony's shoulders, sighing happily.


Sarahlibrary: Tony/Steve as pawn shop owners.

"Look, I love mid-century Americana as much as the next guy provided the next guy isn't you," Tony said, "but I don't think giving an out-of-towner that much money for a set of Captain America trading cards was a good idea."

"It's a sound investment," Steve said firmly.

When a guy named Coulson walked in two months later and paid out twice what they'd given for the set, Steve was unbearably smug for days.


Ironfries: Tony/Steve wiggly toes.


When the man walked into his store, Tony started the usual speech -- "Welcome to Stark Boutique Athletic Shoes, the finest..." -- and then trailed off because this guy was unreal.

"My name is Steve Rogers," the man said, with a matinee-idol smile and a shoulder-to-waist ratio that blew even Tony Stark's mind, "and I'd like to wear your shoes to the Olympics in a few months."

"Well, my name is Tony Stark and," I'm going to marry you, "I'm sure we have something in your size."



Anonymous: Tony/Steve, cute Saturday morning in bed.

That is not a AU, anon! So I went with a SATURDAY MORNING CARTOON AU.

"Pizza Dog is the biggest thing in YA animation since Adventure Time, and your fans want to talk to you about how you invented it," Tony said, ruthlessly pulling the hotel bed's blankets back.

"Comic-con is scary; you do it, they really just want you to draw pictures for them," Steve insisted.

"Give you ten more minutes in bed and a blow job if you talk first," Tony offered, and Steve didn't even hesitate before nodding.


Anonymous: Tony/Steve, male model AU.

"Aren't you a little old to be modeling a youth line?" Steve asked.

"Aren't you a little 'roided up to be considered pretty?" Tony retorted.

"They'll be fucking by the end of the week," Bruce said to Rhodey, who nodded as he set up the camera.


Sarcasmandexplosions: Tony/Steve, finding fic of themselves.

"I've been keeping track since Steve found the RPF archive and traumatized himself," Tony announced, "and I'm pleased to say that we're winning."

"Who's winning, and winning what?" Steve asked, and then looked like he regretted asking.

"You and I are winning for most fanfics about us fucking," Tony said, and Steve dropped his coffee all over the floor.


Sigmundite: Rhodey/Tony/Steve, Greek Mythology.

"Oh man, we're so fucked," Tony yelled, as Steve grabbed him and hauled him towards the dubious cover of the forest.

"You're the one who said you could beat Hephaestus in an engineering contest and then actually did it," Rhodey said, a note of pride creeping in even as he dodged bolts of lightning from the sky.

"I think it's sweet that he enrages the gods in order to impress us," Steve said, and Rhodey rolled his eyes and prayed to Athena for intercession.


Sarospeaks: Tony/Steve/Bucky, Mafia AU.

"So what are you three, some kindsa queers?" their main rival asked, which was, Tony reflected, a mistake.

"Well...yeah," Steve said, eyebrows crinkling in confusion, as Bucky shot the man in the head from behind.

Tony tsked. "Honey, now we have to clean that up and take over his entire illegal gambling operation," he complained.


Agentpaxieamor: Tony/Steve/Pepper, adopting a puppy and/or kitten.

"We are never going to get all these animals adopted," Tony said, "and I don't know why I bother working for the humane society when I think cats are assholes; I think I just started working here to get into your pants."

"We adopted out most of them before you got here an hour late, and also working here has gotten you into my pants and Steve's pants, so you can quit whining and take the last unadopted kitten," Pepper said.

"Nooo, no no no, I am not -- " Tony stopped, sighing, as Steve placed the cat in his lap, " -- adopting this kitten, I'm adopting a kitten, aren't I?"


shrewreadings: Tony/Steve/Bruce, Philadelphia Story AU.

"It's sometimes so difficult to choose," Tony said pensively, even as the wedding guests shifted restlessly in their seats on the other side of the door.

"Well, this may be a little progressive," Bruce suggested, and Steve shot him a look that said while they might be rivals he was still listening, "but I have heard that threesomes solve everything."

Steve looked thoughtful, and finally said, "I hear eloping solves a lot of problems too..."


Demisemiquaver: Steve/Bucky, Steve is the winter soldier.

"I don't deserve forgiveness," Steve said in the darkness, fingers of his prosthetic arm flexing, eyes huge and sad.

"Don't care," Bucky said, catching the hand and bringing it to his lips. "You'll take it from me and like it, pal," he added, and Steve smiled.


Mageflower: Steve/Bucky, "paranormal investigators" AU!

"This is the most haunted place in all of New York," Steve said, as Bucky adjusted his camera.

"Look, all I do is film you looking terrified, your job is to be pretty while you do it," Bucky replied.

"Watch out. When I die I'm gonna haunt you," Steve answered, leaning around the camera for a kiss.


Elsajeni: Steve/Bucky, merpeople.

"Didn't you used to be smaller?" Bucky gasped, as Steve helped him out of Schmidt's lab.

"Yeah," Steve sighed. "I never used to have squid tentacles either."


Anonymous: Steve/Bucky, the Germans won the war.

"I want this Rogers character and his friend Barnes caught and executed!" Hitler said, and his rage was such that he didn't notice the tall, appropriately Aryan-looking officer leave his attache case behind as he walked out of the room.

"You're almost late," Bucky said when Steve came into the safe house a few minutes later, shedding the hated uniform quickly.

Outside, fire bloomed from the windows of the office of the Fuhrer.

The Nazis and their kind can never win. They can only ever get a temporary upper hand.


Anonymous: Steve/Bucky as famous singers.

"Look, the thing is, we both have great solo careers, I mean, I've got a Grammy and you just did a feature for Beyonce," Steve said, looking adorably confused. "Why would we want to form a boy band?"

"Oh my god nobody wants to form a boy band," Bucky yelled, "I'm trying to ask you on a date!"


Half-windsors: Steve/Bucky/Natasha, White Collar AU.

Steve had no right to them, no right at all; they'd been married for years before Agent Barnes took him out of prison and under his wing, and even with their permission it felt like a betrayal.

"Are you sure?" he asked, and Natasha silenced him with a finger on his lips.

"Bucky and I love you," she said, "and if you promise to stop conning us, we promise to make it worth your while."


Twillwrites: Steve/Bucky/Natasha, Call of Cthulu AU.

The statue Bucky placed before them was a squat, scaly, humanoid figure, but its head was huge and bulbous like an octopus, with tentacles drooping down over the shoulders and crude, underdeveloped wings.

"And you want to go find this thing, because that's definitely going to go well and not end up with us mad or dead," Steve said carefully.

"It's called the Incredible Hulk," Bucky said, as Nat rolled her eyes and began making a list of supplies they'd need, far too experienced with Bucky to bother questioning his death wish.


Redstarsoldier: Bucky/Natasha and Medieval Knights AU.

The Winter Knight's armor glittered in the chilly afternoon, one silver armored arm shining as he checked his shield and the sword at his belt.

"Sure I can't wear your colors into battle?" he asked the Black Widow.

"You act like we're not going into battle together," she said with a smirk, and he grinned back under his helmet.


Anonymous: Bucky/Natasha coffee shop AU.

"Tall soy latte for...Bucky," the barista called, and raised an eyebrow at him when he approached to collect it -- her nametag said Tasha, so it wasn't like she had much room to talk.

"Old nickname," he said, a little sheepish despite his best efforts.

"It's cute," she said, and it took him halfway down the block to realize there was a phone number written below his name.


peasantwitch: Bucky/Natasha, Russian epic novel.

A three sentence Russian epic novel. :D

"The Tsarevich will not be pleased, Natalia Romanova," the foreigner said, as she dressed for walking out, despite the cold.

"The Tsarevich knows I could ruin him with what I know," she answered, "even if he does also try to kill me for it."

"These are gloomy days for Russia," James mused, helping her on with her coat, "but at least Moscow is beautiful."


Weirdlet: Bucky/Natasha, Forgotten Realms AU.

Bucky carefully considered matters before lifting his battle axe and swinging it with all his might at the monster in front of him.

"Roll for damage," Natasha said from behind her screen, and Steve and Sam watched with interest as Bucky rattled the D12s around in his prosthetic (and therefore, he assured them, lucky) hand.

"Nuts," he said, when the dice came up a two and a three, "I'm gonna die early in this campaign, aren't I?"


Anonymous: Clint/Phil, being the victims in a horror movie.

"Let's go up the stairs, he says," Phil muttered, as they cowered in the closet.

"You have a better idea?" Clint demanded in a hushed whisper.

They both startled as an axe ripped a hole in the flimsy closet door, and one blue eye appeared briefly before a voice on the other side called, "Heeeeeeere's Tony!"


Anonymous: Clint/Phil antique book hunters.

"I can't believe you beat me to that Book of Hours," Clint said, dropping down across from Phil in the coffeeshop where he was recovering from haggling for a very nice Book of Hours and also a lovely illuminated Gospels that Clint apparently didn't know about yet.

"Well, I am older and more experienced," Phil replied without looking up from his research, "and you are impetuous and foolish."

"I could use some older and more experienced in my life," Clint pointed out, and Phil, startled, felt a hand on his thigh.


laylee-jones: Clint/Phil, intrepid adventurers in 1950's Morocco.

"Have you ever seen Casablanca?" Clint asked, shouldering the rucksack and his bow case.

"I promise you we will not be stalked or menaced by Nazis -- Captain America cleared them all out ten years ago," Coulson said absently, studying the facade of the hotel for weak points.

"Well, no, I'm sure we'll find something new and exciting to get stalked and menaced by," Clint said cheerfully, and followed Coulson inside.


a-hawk-and-her-bow: Clint/Phil Pride and Prejudice.

"I suppose I should marry," Mr. Barton said, rising and pulling on his dressing-gown. "It just seems so unpleasant, when one had ten thousand a year, to be in want of a wife as well."

"Well, I have only five thousand a year," Mr. Coulson replied, still wrapped in the sheets, "so if you took me you'd be marrying quite below your station."


tanyalokot: Clint/Phil, Harry Potter AU.

Phil always thought he'd been mis-sorted somehow; Clint, now, he was your typical proper Gryffindor, leaping off roofs to land on broomsticks and playing pranks on the rest of the Gryffindor boys (except Bruce, who was sensitive), but Phil preferred the library and the classroom and to nurse his crush on the other boy in secret -- and thus wasn't sure why Clint kept following him everywhere.

"Well, I fancy you, don't I?" Clint said, as if it should be obvious, when Phil confronted him about it in their fifth year. "Come on, let's go rob the kitchen," he added, and kissed Phil before he took off down the hallway.


Youneedtolookatthis: Clint/Natasha, on a Reality game show.

"You know eventually it'll be just you and me," Clint said to her, and she nodded, too tired from the day's fights to do more. "When it does come down to us, I'll make sure you get out."

"I'm going to end the Hunger Games, and avenge you tenfold," Natasha murmured, but Clint was already asleep.

Oh man that was awful but honestly one should always specify which reality game show...


Ivylaughed: Clint/Natasha - rival theater troupes.

"The King's Men are doing Romeo and Juliet," Clint said, curled up with Natasha in a nest of old blankets in one of the costumers' storerooms.

"Seem's fitting, given our current situation," she replied.

"You'll never leave the Admiral's Men, not even for me?" he asked, and -- to be honest -- he would have been sad if she hadn't shaken her head.


Archwrites: Rhodey/Tony, buddy cops.

"Why don't I ever get to drive?" Rhodey asked, as they sped down the freeway in pursuit of the killer.

"Because I built this car with my own two hands, and when I build you a car with my own two hands then you can drive," Tony retorted.

"I'm holding you to that if we survive this," Rhodey yelled, as they went flying off an overpass and landed on top of the car they were chasing.


Post-and-out: Rhodey/Tony, Rhodey is an incubus.

"Look, this is very flattering," Tony said, the third time Rhodey showed up, "but you know you don't have to paralyze me or wait until I'm asleep. You're cute and, no pun intended, a total demon in bed, and I would do you wide awake and in control of all my own limbs."

Rhodey blinked a few times, and then Tony woke up, and the only difference from usual was that there was a smokin' hot demon still hanging around for breakfast.


Anonymous: Rhodey/Tony, AU wedding planning.

"How did this become my life?" Rhodey asked, from underneath a giant pile of tulle.

"It's probably my fault, I'm the one who opened a wedding planning boutique," Tony replied, shifting the tulle enough to offer him a piece of cake from a new bakery that desperately wanted their business.

"Well, you did offer me cake and adventure, and it's hard to deny you'd be lost without my military discipline," Rhodey sniffed.


Anarialm: Tony/Pepper/Rhodey, Bill Nye-esque science show.

"Do you suppose the millions of children you've taught to love science would be horrified to learn the two of you are working on an actual science-based aphrodisiac in your spare time?" Pepper asked, sitting on the lab table between them.

"Children's science shows pay the bills," Tony grunted, engrossed in his work, "and allow us to keep you in the style to which you've become accustomed."

"They'll thank us when they turn eighteen," Rhodey added, and kissed her lightly before returning to his bunsen burner.


Rielrolling: Tony/Pepper, Space Dystopia.

"How many humans do you imagine are left in the galaxy?" Pepper asked wistfully, staring out the one window in the cramped ship Tony had salvaged together with his bare hands.

"Could just be us," he said, holding her from behind, his prosthetic scraping lightly against the replacement leg he'd managed to build her after the last attack.

"Well, that'd mean three at least," she murmured, and had the small pleasure of hearing Tony fake a heart attack behind her.


Anonymous: Tony/Bruce, Harry Potter AU.

Bruce and Tony met, of course, in the Ravenclaw common room the night they were sorted; their beds were next to each other, and Tony prattled away at him while Bruce nodded without listening and wondered how he was going to get through the next full moon.

They didn't become friends until Bruce blew up a simple Calming Cordial in Potions class and Tony blew his up bigger in order to distract Snape.

But they didn't realize they were meant to be together until the night Tony, with a wide grin, announced he had perfected the Animagus transformation that would help Bruce survive the full moons, and promptly transformed into an enormous black dog.


Anonymous: Tony/Clint first date AU.

A first date is not an AU, anon, I'm wise to you tricks! I SHALL DO....A FANDOM BNF AU.

"Bull shit you are tonystarknaked," Clint said to the short, admittedly attractive guy who'd come to the con's cosplay meetup in a flawless Movie Sherlock Holmes costume.

"Um excuse you, I think I am," the guy said, and held up his phone: a photo of Clint in his Witch Hunter Hansel outfit, looking skeptical, was already posted to tonystarknaked's tumblr account, and Clint's jaw dropped.

"So are you going to let me buy you dinner or do I have to write you a fanfic first or what?" tonystarknaked asked.


Bookworm221b: Steve/Wonder Woman, DC Crossover AU.

"So you were raised on an island of Amazons who derive their power from Greek goddesses?" Steve asked. "Gosh, that's a less complicated backstory than mine."

"Can we stop swapping backstories and get to the fun part now?" Diana asked, and pinned him to the wall so she could kiss him.


Theodinspire: Steve/Logan, fashion shoot.

"I promise, this is going to make your name as a model, and possibly mine as a photographer," Steve said, setting up the camera.

"Where's the outfit I'm supposed to wear?" Logan asked, resigned.

"You're wearing it," Steve said, and Logan looked down at the tight white Calvin Klein boxer-briefs, horrified, while Steve snapped his first test shots.


Anonymous: Steve/Clint, Roman Holiday AU.

"It's called the Boca Della Verita, and if you tell a lie it'll bite your hand off," Clint said, taking Steve's hand and placing it in the carving's mouth.

Steve, eyebrow lifted, replied, "You're a punk."

Both men looked at the carving, and then Clint started laughing.


Pollyq: Hawkeye/Hawkeye, presidential election.

"Look, I'm not trying to be insulting," Kate said, "but the polls show that your best method of helping is to look pretty and not talk."

"Aw, polls," Clint complained, "what do they know -- I have a degree in history and philosophy!"

"Sweetie, I love you, but if you want to be first husband, I need you to be sexy and silent," Kate told him.


Pollyq: Rhodey/Carol, Pi day.

"How can you hate Pi day?" Carol asked, gesturing at the plate in front of her. "It's math and pie!"

"I have my reasons," Rhodey said sullenly, but he did let her kiss him while she still tasted like rhubarb pie.


Anonymous: Loki/Natasha, college AU.

"I don't think it's that people don't find your thesis on the history of magic in norse literature sexy," Natasha said, "but more that you're usually an offputting twit."

"Well, for the right person, I would put in at least some effort," Loki sighed.

"Is that a promise?" Natasha asked, and Loki realized that, senior or not, he was in way over his head.


Anonymous: Jane/Thor, Aristocats AU.

Thor was like no cat Jane had ever known; a big, shaggy Maine Coon, larger than life, he'd dragged her all over New York before taking her back to an abandoned warehouse to meet his pals -- who consisted mainly of a pair of sleek, silent black cats, a Persian longhair who never shut up, a bulldog who insisted he was a cat, and a yellow tabby with a flag-patterned collar.

"Do you like my friends?" he asked, as they curled up together in a warm nook of the warehouse.

"No, they're weirdos," she said, but she was purring, and he laughed and wrapped his tail around her warmly.


Cornwankies: Natasha/Pepper, organic produce shop.

"You know, I used to work in the corporate world, years ago," Pepper said, as Natasha hauled her crates of carrots and potatoes into the stockroom. "I can't imagine the kind of nervous wreck I'd be now if I'd kept working for Tony Stark."

Natasha just smiled, and didn't mention her brief tenure at SHIELD.


bluepard: Quentin/Evan, competitive baking reality show AU.

"Hey, anyone ever tell you that you look like -- " Quentin began, and Evan yelled Yes, okay, Apocalypse, I know as he took his muffins from the oven.

"I was gonna say Emeril Lagasse," Quentin said, without looking up from the orange glaze he was making, and Evan hesitated.

"Well, you sound kinda like Gordon Ramsay," he offered, and Quentin's face broke into a broad grin.


Historymiss: Quinn Quire :D

"Okay, here's the deal, we need you to be our lookout when we break into the cafeteria tonight and also not to ogle us or make fucking male-gazey lesbian jokes," Quinn said, and Trevor "Eye Boy" Hawkins blinked his entire body at once, which was a) creepy and b) cool.

"I'm not going to dignify the lesbian jokes thing with a reply, but I do actually need to know why you're breaking into the cafeteria," Trevor said as Idie approached.

"Stealing supplies for the secret midnight ice cream party," Quinn said, twining an arm around Idie, "and also it's not a real date unless you break the law."


Morgrimmoon: Fury & Hill, wedding planners.

"I understand you've chosen orange and green as your wedding colors," Nick said, "but as it is a stupid-ass choice I've elected to ignore it."

"What about cream and silver?" Maria offered the couple with a strained smile.

They looked from her to the enraged man in the eyepatch behind her, and nodded; Hill did love making good use of Nick Fury's rage.


Paxfelis: Mjolnir and JARVIS, drinking buddies.

"See, that's what I like about you," JARVIS said, as the glass next to Mjolnir slowly drained. JARVIS could not, of course, actually drink, but the hammer apparently could, even if it couldn't talk. "You're such a good listener, Mjolnir."