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We're All Doomed

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It all went wrong when Vriska decided not to put John to sleep.

It’s hard to say why she did so. Perhaps she felt a moment of doubt. Perhaps she thought that destiny might yet be changed. Perhaps she simply grew distracted. Most likely she simply made that decision because somewhere else she made a different one.

In any case, the doll dropped into the kernel.

Jack was the first to feel the brunt of Vriska’s decision, learning the hard way that the middle of a swordfight is not a good a good time or place to have your total number of arms and eyes reduced to zero. Even his amazing blue hair only kept his opponents at bay for seconds.

Jack Noir was dead.

And somewhere far away, The Knight Of Blood had something to say about it.

-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling ectoBiologist [EB] --
CG: WHAT DID YOU DO?!
EB: what?
CG: WHAT DID YOU FUCKING DO?!
EB: i don’t know. what did i do?
CG: JACK NOIR IS GONE, YOU UNBELIEAVABLE DUMBASS!
EB: oh cool.
CG: NO. NOT COOL. NOT FUCKING COOL AT ALL. JACK NOIR WAS SUPPOSED TO BE PROTOTYPED WITH JADE’S FREAK OF A LUSUS AND THEN GET SENT TO OUR WORLD AND KILL ALL OUR DREAM SELVES AND FLY AROUND A LOT WHILE WE HUDDLED IN THIS NOOKSUCKING METEOR.
EB: but now he’s gone.
CG: YES HE’S GONE. ONE SECOND HE’S FLYING AROUND AND THE NEXT SECOND HE’S NOT HERE AT ALL. BUT GUESS WHAT, FUCKASS?!
EB: what?
CG: WE’RE STILL IN THIS METEOR AND NOT RULING YOUR UNIVERSE LIKE WE FUCKING SHOULD BE. DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU DID?!
EB: no, tell me.
CG: YOU MADE THIS INTO A DOOMED TIMELINE, ASSHOLE.
CG: AND SOMEHOW YOU TOOK US WITH YOU.
CG: THAT MEANS WE WILL ALL DIE.
CG: ALL OF US.
CG: STUPID COOLKIDS
CG: PATHETIC NERDS
CG: AMAZING WARRIORS
CG: MURDEROUS BITCHES
CG: AND EVEN FUCKING STUPID CLOWNS.
CG: WE’RE ALL ABOARD THE GRIM REAPER EXPRESS, HEADING TO DEAD TOWN WITH NO STOPS AND YOU’RE THE FUCKING CONDUCTOR, PULLING THE FUCKING WHISTLE.
CG: CHOO CHOO!

EB: heh heh.
CG: OH GOD FUCKING DAMN IT.

-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling ectoBiologist [EB] --

 

CURRENT carcinoGeneticist [PCG] RIGHT NOW opened public transtimeline bulletin board WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~

CCG RIGHT NOW opened memo on board WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE.

CCG: EVERYONE GET YOUR ASSES IN HERE RIGHT FUCKING NOW!
CCG: AND I MEAN EVERYONE.
CCG: PATHETIC EARTH HUMANS INCLUDED.
CCG: AND GET IN HERE FROM THE PRESENT MOMENT.
CCG: MAYBE WE CAN GET THROUGH JUST ONE NORMAL CONVERSATION WITHOUT DEGENERATING INTO A FUCKING CARNIVAL.
CCG: I GUESS IT MAKES AS GOOD A LAST WISH AS ANY.

CURRENT gallowsCalibrator [CGC] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CGC: WH4T 1S TH1S 4LL 4BOUT, K4RK4T?
CCG: THIS IS ABOUT THE FACT THAT WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE HORRIBLY IS WHAT IT’S ABOUT.
CCG: LONG STORY SHORT, JOHN FUCKED UP AND PROTOTYPED WITH THE WRONG THING AND NOW WE’RE ALL DOOMED PARADOX CLONES.
CCG: I GUESS MAYBE THAT MAKES ANOTHER ARADIA TO ADD TO THE PILE OF DEAD ONES.

CURRENT apocalypseArisen [CAA] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CAA: that was unkind
CCG: SHUT THE HELL UP.
CURRENT centaursTesticle [CCT] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CCT: D --> You will not speak to Aradia in that manner
CCG: YOU SHUT UP TOO, ASSHOLE.
CCG: ALL OF YOU STOP YOUR BLATHERING FOR ONE GODDAMN MINUTE AND FOCUS ON OUR IMPENDING DEMISE.
CCG: IS THAT SO HARD?

CURRENT terminallyCapricious [CTC] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
PTC: I’m NoT MoThErFuCkInG FoLlOwInG AnY Of ThIs.
PTC: WeReN’t We AlReAdY MoThErFuCkInG DoOmEd?

CURRENT arachnidsGrip [CAG] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CAG: Yeah!
CAG: Weren’t you always telling us how we were all doomed 8ecause John prototyped his kernel with the First Guardian?
CAG: And now you’re telling us we’re doomed 8ecause he didn’t?

CCG: IT’S NOT THE SAME FUCKING THING AND YOU KNOW IT, SERKET!
CCG: BEFORE WE WERE ONLY DOOMED BECAUSE THERE WAS AN UBEATABLE BOSS FLYING AROUND OUT THERE TRYING TO KILL US ALL.
CCG: BUT NOW WE’RE DOOMED ON AN EXISTENTIAL LEVEL.
CCG: WHICH IS LIKE TEN FUCKING TIMES MORE DOOMED.

CURRENT adiosToreador [CAT] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CAT: uHHHH, mAYBE THIS ISN’T SO BAD,
CAA: n0 he is right
CAA: in the main timeline jack n0ir was pr0t0typed with the guardian
CAA: we are in a d00med 0ffsh00t

CAT: oH,
CCG: YEAH, oH. OH IS RIGHT. FINALLY SOMEONE FUCKING GETS IT.
CURRENT twinArmageddons [CTA] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CTA: KK, ii thiink you need two relax.
CTA: even iif we are all doomed, you can’t expect us 2 2pend all our remaiiniing tiime freakiing out about how doomed we are.

CURRENT grimAuxiliatrix [CGA] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CGA: Indeed Existential Threats Notwithstanding
CGA: In Purely Physical Terms We Are Now Safer Than We Have Been In A Long Time
CGA: I Believe This Calls For A Judicious Plan

CURRENT TentacleTherapist [CTT] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CTT: I was already creating a plan to subvert one destiny.
CTT: I suppose another will do just as well.

CCG: OH HEY LOOK WHO SHOWED UP.
CCG: IT’S THE SNARKY BROAD OF THE HUMAN PERSUASION.
CCG: AND NO, FOR THE RECORD, THAT IS NOT HOW WE’RE DOING THIS.
CCG: NOW IS NOT THE TIME FOR MAKING PLANS.
CCG: NOW IS THE TIME FOR ASSIGNING BLAME.

CURRENT gardenGnostic [CGG] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CGG: leave john alone!
CGG: he didn’t do anything wrong!!

CCG: OH AND NOW THE HUMANS ARE POPPING OUT OF THE WOODWORK.
CCG: THAT’S JUST GREAT.
CCG: YOU ALL CHOOSE NOW TO BE AVAILABLE AND NOT DISTRACTED BY SOMETHING OVERWHELMINGLY STUPID.

CURRENT ectoBiologist [CEB] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CEB: i still don’t understand what i did or didn’t do
CCG: SHUT THE FUCK UP EGGBERT.
CAT: uHHHH, dIDN’T YOU JUST SAY IT WAS TIME FOR ASSIGNING BLAME,
CCG: YEAH, SO WHAT?
CAT: bUT HOW CAN WE ASSIGN BLAME TO HIM IF YOU DON’T TELL HIM WHAT HE DID WRONG,
CCG: THAT IS THE STUPIDEST THING I HAVE EVER HEARD.
CGC: NO, H3’S R1GHT. CR1M1N4LS H4V3 TO B3 1NFORM3D OF 4LL CH4RG3S L3V13D 4G41NST TH3M
CGC: SO TH4T TH3Y C4N F33L TH3 FULL FORC3 OF R1GHT3OUS JUST1C3.

CURRENT caligulasAquarium [CCA] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CCA: more importantly that is not wwhat wwe are doin right noww
CCA: kan had the right idea
CCA: i don’t care howw doomed wwe are
CCA: for the first time in wwho knowws howw long
CCA: i feel hope

CURRENT cuttlefishCuller [CCC] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CCC: T)(at’s t)(e spirit ---ERIDAN! 38D
CCT: D --> I agree
CCT: D --> To bend in the face of difficulty would be ine%cusable
CCT: D --> We are STRONGER than that

CCG: OKAY, NO. YOU SHUT UP ABOUT STRONGNESS, YOU FREAK.
CCC: -Equius, you are )(ereby ordered to keep talking about STRONGN---ESS!
CCT: D --> Yes, my Empress
CCT: D --> But first I must go find a towel

CCG: NO, SHE’S NOT YOUR LEADER.
CCG: SHE’S NOT THE BOSS OF YOU.
CCG: I AM THE BOSS OF YOU.
CCG: ACTUALLY, NEVER MIND. FORGET I SAID ANYTHING. JUST GO FIND YOUR TOWEL.
CCG: I HOPE YOU CHOKE ON IT.

CURRENT turntechGodhead [CTG] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CTG: oh god this is so sad
CGA: I Am Quickly Becoming Skeptical Of This Conversations Continued Utility
CGA: As Such I Would Suggest We Abandon This Track Of Thought And Return Our Attention To The Making Of Plans

CURRENT arsenicCatnip [CAC] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CAC: :33 <*ac agr33s!*
CAC: :33 <*ac says that we can’t just give up*

CAT: i ALSO AGREE, aCTUALLY,
CAC: :33 <*ac would also like to take a moment to compliment tavros’s handle*
CAT: tHANKS,
CCG: OKAY, NO.
CCG: NONE OF YOU GET IT.
CCG: THERE CAN’T BE ANY PLANS.
CCG: WE ARE DOOMED.
CCG: DO ANY OF YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT THAT WORD MEANS?
CCG: BECAUSE IT DOESN’T MEAN ‘IN A PERFECTLY SALVAGEABLE SITUATION’.
CCG: DOOMED MEANS DOOMED.

CTG: eh i don’t buy it
CTG: we can still get out of this
CTG: after all we’ve got two kickass time masters over here

CURRENT turntechGodhead [CTG] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CTG: make that three
CCG: YOU STAY OUT OF THIS, FEATHERY ASSHOLE.
CCG: THIS DOES NOT CONCERN YOU.
CCG: YOU WERE ALREADY DOOMED.
CCG: SO I GUESS YOU ARE NOW DOUBLY DOOMED.
CCG: THAT IS SUCH A PREPOSTEROUS DEGREE OF DOOMED I’M SURPRISED YOU AREN’T BEING SQUISHED BY A FALLING SAFE AT THIS EXACT MOMENT.
CCG: OKAY, SINCE NONE OF YOU STILL GET IT, I AM MAKING A VOW RIGHT NOW THAT WHEN I INEVITABLY DIE, I WILL USE THE LAST OF MY STRENGTH TO CRAWL OVER TO A COMPUTER, LOG INTO THIS MEMO, AND TELL YOU ALL EXACTLY HOW LONG WE HAVE LEFT TO LIVE.
CCG: AND ALSO HOW STUPID YOU ALL ARE, I GUESS.

FUTURE apocalypseArisen [FAA] AT ?:?? responded to memo.
FAA: that is f0rbidden
FAA banned FCG from responding to memo.
CCG: AND NOW THAT IS ALSO HAPPENING I GUESS.
CCG: THAT’S JUST FUCKING GREAT.

CTT: So it is agreed then: we abandon fatalism in favor of planning.
CCG: NO THAT IS NOT AGREED NO-ONE HAS AGREED TO THAT.
CCT: D --> Am I too late to continue talking about STRONGNESS?
CCG: I HATE ALL OF YOU.


CCG closed memo.