Clark squinted his eyes against the brilliant winter light stabbing through the blinds hung rather haphazardly in the dorm room window. He let himself drift in the hazy weight of semi-consciousness, enjoying the press of the warm body behind him, the possessive arm thrown over his waist, fingers gently brushing his hips. Nice.
He had a busy day ahead of him and he ran his schedule through his mind. First, he had to drop by his office at the college paper to pick up his paper for Existentialism 401. Silly of him to have left it there the night before. Clark smiled as the arm around him tightened a little. Well, he had been a little distracted.
Then, he had to run by the library to drop off several books and pick up a few more for that stupid O Chem project. And why the fuck had he decided to take that class again? Oh, yeah. Lex. Stupid, stupid, stupid. He'd promised to take it back when he was still 'considering' working for LexCorp instead of going into journalism. At this point, the class was nothing but a pain in the ass.
After the library, he had several classes, then two appointments with professors and finally he would need to go back to the paper's office to work on his article that was due tomorrow. Maybe, if he could crank out something really fast, he could have some time with Lex tonight.
A wet mouth kissed the back of his neck and moved to suck on his throat. His cock didn't mind at all, and glancing at the clock, yeah, if they hurried, there was time.
"God, you fucked me through the mattress last night. I don't think I'll be getting out of bed today."
Clark chuckled. "Hey, you were saying 'More' and 'Harder' and 'Faster'! I was just following your orders."
"Jesus. Yeah, you obey really well."
There was a pause in conversation as they shifted and stroked and kissed. Clark buried his face in Jason's neck and bit lightly. Jason wrapped lithe limbs around Clark's waist and arched, pressing their cocks together.
"I order you to suck me off."
Jason's voice was raspy with lust and from having yelled too much the night before. Clark lifted up on his elbows to look down into his boyfriend's face. He traced the ginger eyebrows with his tongue, licked over the eyelids and then kissed down his cheek to his lips, before slipping down further to comply with the order.
Jason's cock rose thick and hard from dark, auburn curls. Clark sucked the head into his mouth and rolled his tongue into the slit. Jason, always responsive, bucked and twisted and twined his hands in Clark's hair forcing him to take more.
Clark closed his eyes and let the fantasies take over. Someone else's cock in his mouth; someone else writhing under him and whimpering his name. Sometimes he felt guilty about letting his mind play these games, but it wasn't like Jason could know.
Besides, they were just dating, just fooling around, just friends with perks.
Jason kicked his heels up to Clark's shoulders, digging in, trying to force him to hurry. Clark peeked up at the clock and decided they didn't really have time for him to be indulging his imagination, not if he wanted to get off too.
Clark took a deep breath through his nose and deep-throated Jason's cock. Jason cried out and bucked up hard, clenching hands in Clark's hair and his legs slipping off Clark's shoulders with the force of his orgasm.
Clark pulled off with a grin and kissed his way up Jason's body to place a kiss on his lips.
"Fuck, Clark. I love you."
Clark froze, his cock shrinking almost instantly.
"What?" He hoped he didn't sound as freaked out as he felt.
"I...God, I don't know. I was just talking out my orgasm, man. Don't freak."
But Clark didn't miss the guilty flush or the flash of hurt in Jason's eyes.
"Clark, here, let me take care of..."
But Clark was off the bed and pulling on his sweats. "Um, it's late. I've got to shower. I'm good."
Clark grabbed his book bag with his overnight stuff in it and headed out the door for the dorm showers. It was only after he had already gone about five yards the he realized he'd been a prick. He didn't want to deal with this, this wasn't part of the deal, but...
He turned back to the room and poked his head in. Jason sat on the bed with his legs up, his arms across his knees and his head buried in his arms. Clark sighed.
"Jason? I'll, um...I'll call you later, okay?"
Jason looked up and smiled broadly, fakely. "Sure, man. Talk to you then. Have a good one."
Okay. Well, shit.
Clark nodded and shut the door again. He headed for the showers eager for as much distance from Jason as he could manage.
Lex took a bite of his half of the deli sandwich Clark had brought over to the penthouse and watched Clark pace the room on his cell phone.
"Jason, listen, I just..."
Lex shook his head. He'd tried to tell Clark that the friends-with-perks thing never worked out. But sometimes you just had to find out for yourself.
"No, it has nothing to do with him!" Clark snapped angrily.
Lex looked up at that and wondered to whom Jason was referring...Clark's last boyfriend?
"And, no, it has nothing to do with her, either! Will you leave them out of this?"
Her? Clark's last girlfriend? Or the one before that?
Jesus, in the last three years at Met U, Clark had gone through close to four girls a year and sometimes more guys. Lex had lectured him God knows how many times about safe sex and Clark had always promised he was being careful, but Lex still worried. It was hard to wrap his mind around Clark as a sexually active creature. A very sexually active creature.
"Yes, I've always liked you a lot and the sex is great...but I know I'll never feel..."
Clark stopped in his tracks and glared at the wall above Lex's head.
"I told you to leave him out of it! Yeah? Well, fuck you!"
Clark slammed the phone closed and lifted his arm to hurl it but then stopped short.
"Didn't go too well, huh?" Lex asked as he picked a bell pepper out of his sandwich.
"No. It didn't." Clark flounced onto the sofa next to Lex and bit into his sandwich with a ferociousness that made Lex wonder if Clark was imagining it was Jason's head.
"So, want to talk about it?"
"Okay." Lex took another bite and then wiped his lips with his napkin. He waited. Any second now...
"Well, see, the thing is, I think -- no, I know-- Jason has feelings for me beyond just friendship. And I'll never return them. Ever. He told me he loved me this morning. I don't want that. That isn't what we agreed on."
"And then, just now, he starts saying all this shit that isn't even really related to the issue. I mean, accusing me of not being over people and living in a fantasy world and stuff. He's fucking crazy!"
"And, you know? I think I met the person I was supposed to be with a long time ago, but I can never be with that person and I've been resigned to that for years. I'm over it. I mean, I have completely accepted the fact that I'll never have that kind of love in my life, but I don't want to be lonely."
Lex nodded and opened his mouth to ask about the person Clark couldn't be with, but...
"And you know, there isn't anything wrong with that. There isn't anything wrong with wanting companionship and, hey! Sex is important. Sex is good. I mean, I don't think there is anything wrong with admitting that I want and need sex."
Lex swallowed and nodded again.
"Don't you agree, Lex? I mean it isn't wrong for me to want to have sex, right? And, yeah, I mean at first it was really novel that people wanted to do that with me and so maybe I over did it a little, but now, I think I've got my head on straight about it. Don't you?"
Lex opened his mouth. But no, not yet...
"I mean, you have tons of sex, right? I know we don't talk about it a lot, but you do. I've seen the girls you keep around and the women who leave this place. I've found at least three pairs of panties under the couch this year alone. You need a better maid, by the way. So I know you can relate."
Lex took another big bite of his sandwich. Clark didn't continue. Oh. Okay, now Clark wants Lex to talk. He chewed and swallowed as fast as he could.
"Well, Clark, no. There is nothing wrong with wanting or needing sex and companionship. I agree with you. But I am a little worried by your statement that you have already missed out on the one person for you. That's just limiting yourself. There are many great women, or men, who could possibly be a good match for you."
Clark smirked. "Give me a break, Lex. You know that isn't true."
Lex shrugged. He had to admit that it wasn't entirely true. Clark had secrets. He had big secrets. Lex knew what some of them were and they were pretty damn big. Not many people would put up with their spouse keeping things from them of that kind of magnitude. He was pretty sure that is what had happened with Lana.
"Clark, Lana may not have been able to deal with your need to be...private...but..."
"Not you, too! God. Why does everyone have to bring her up like I still use her as some kind of measuring stick. She has nothing to do with this."
She has nothing to do with this.
"Well, then what about 'him'? The one that you told Jason also has nothing to do with this? Are you measuring people against him?"
Clark's face went strangely blank but his eyes flashed. Finally he whispered, "Yes. Yes, I am."
Lex leaned back on the sofa and took a deep breath to offset the familiar tightening in his chest always associated with thoughts of Clark and his lovers. As Lex considered his response, the familiar mantra started in his head: Coward, coward, coward.
"So, you're saying you were in love with this guy?"
Lex shook his head and slid his arm along the back of the couch, stomach knotting painfully. "I have to admit, Clark, I'm sitting here running through the last six to nine boyfriends you've had and I can't think of one that you were even remotely in love with. What happened? Did you realize it later?"
Clark shook his head. "No. It's none of those people. Listen, let's not talk about this anymore."
Lex opened his mouth to protest but Clark cut him off.
"Hey! I just went through a nasty break-up! Aren't you supposed to be trying to make me feel better? Plying me with alcohol or porn or something?"
Lex stood and grinned as he gestured toward the wet bar. "Go for it. I'm going to go change into something more appropriate for consoling the broken hearted."
Clark laughed. "Cool. I'll set up the PlayStation. I can't believe you actually think your staff doesn't know about it, just because you hide it!"
Lex called over his shoulder as he started down the hall to his room, "Well, considering they've been known to leave panties under the couch for several weeks, you have to admit that they aren't very observant."
Lex's joke must have fallen flat, because no laughter followed him down the hall.
Clark watched Lex on the dance floor with Sylvia. They looked great together. Their bodies moved in graceful synchronicity and their long limbs entwined like parts of a whole.
Sylvia was gorgeous. Big, green eyes and beautiful, high cheekbones were the highlights of her face. Although her mouth was ample, it was a little crooked and not her best feature. Still, she managed to do something with lipstick that made it look entirely kissable. Like maybe if you could kiss her just right once or twice, her mouth would straighten itself out. And then there was her body, lithe and long and tall. In her heels she was barely shorter than Lex.
Clark could hear her laughing from the table where he sat drinking post-midnight New Year's champagne. Lex was grinning and twirling her easily, his crooked little smile that made Clark's stomach twist.
She was a physicist and the daughter of some huge corporate mogul that Clark had pretended to know when Lex mentioned his name. She was smart and nice and seemed to make Lex laugh.
Clark hated her. Clark wanted her to die or drop off the face of the earth or get kidnapped by a Smallville meteor mutant, and, really, there weren't enough of those around Metropolis. Maybe he should talk to Lex about importing some.
But Clark was generous, he'd settle for Sylvia getting poisoned from the fish she'd eaten earlier and puking all over herself so that Lex would send her home in the limo. That wasn't too much to ask, was it?
Apparently, yes, because Sylvia was staying frustratingly healthy.
Clark downed the champagne and grabbed another glass from a passing waiter. New Year's Eve and he was here at LexCorp's annual bash alone. Again. For the third year in a row.
Why did he always end up breaking up with his boyfriend or girlfriend right before New Year's Eve?
Clark chuckled to himself. Well, if he were honest, he'd have to admit it was because he was a hopeless romantic and a fool. Somewhere in the back of his mind he was still hoping for a New Year's kiss from a certain someone. God, he was fucked in the head.
"Clark!" Lex's breathless voice called out to him from the dance floor.
He looked up and watched Lex dip Sylvia as they both dissolved into giggles. Clark lifted his glass in a wordless toast to them and Lex grinned at him.
Well, okay, seeing that smile might be worth it. Might be. Maybe.
No. No, it wasn't worth it if he was going to have to watch them kiss. Fuck.
Clark stood up and sought out an exit close to the bathrooms. If Lex saw him moving in the direction of the bathroom, he'd be less likely to try to stop him.
He reached the exit door and gasped with relief when ice-cold air smacked his face. He felt like he might be able to breathe again.
Clark started to walk home. Slowly. No super-speed tonight.
Lex had been bored with Sylvia before the countdown to midnight had even begun. He would've had much more fun if he had attended with just Clark. But the idea of what would be in the gossip columns if he not only failed to appear with an heiress, but did appear with his best friend -- about whom there was already plenty of speculation -- well, he'd not wanted to read that copy.
He'd asked Sylvia to attend the party because she was mildly entertaining and really good in bed. She did this thing with her tongue that he'd tried to explain to Clark once, but his friend had just changed the subject. Lex supposed it probably was too much information to be sharing, anyway. But, damn, it was really fucking amazing.
He lifted his eyes from Sylvia's to look for Clark. His gaze scrambled from the empty table to search the room. No where. Gone. Another disappearing act.
Every year he made a resolution that he would stop having feelings for Clark. Every year he failed. Instead, the feelings grew and the energy it took to deny them was beginning to wear him down. Sometimes he would wake up from dreams of Clark so happy that he almost believed he would roll over to find him in bed next to him. Just the thought of those dreams was enough to make him hard and he shifted his hold on Sylvia to prevent grinding his cock into her.
The music slowed even further and as Sylvia wrapped herself around him, there was no way to hide his arousal. Lex nearly shuddered when she whispered in his ear that she could take care of that if he wanted to leave now. He nodded his assent. She really was beautiful with a tight pussy and that talented tongue, quite a lot to recommend her.
As he allowed her to lead him from the dance floor, he phoned for the limo to pull around. Clark was long gone and had probably found his own way home by now. He might even be showered and in bed. If he'd run home, he'd possibly already be asleep.
That was one secret Lex knew about, the speed. Sometimes Lex wished he could tell Clark that he knew, but he didn't want to see the look on his face. Didn't want to see him try to deny it. Wasn't interested in being treated to more lies.
Clark checked the caller ID on his cell.
He let the phone ring until the answering service picked up. He didn't want to talk to Lex right now. He glanced over at Jason next to him in bed.
Oh God, that had been a mistake.
He closed his eyes and remembered showing up at Jason's dorm room, wet from the rain and still sick from watching Lex with Sylvia. He'd asked Jason for forgiveness, told him that he wanted to see if they could have something together. Clark had fucked his brains out and then Jason had cried in his arms.
And in the cold light of morning? Well, shit. It was a really fucking bad mistake.
"Who's it?" Jason mumbled into Clark's armpit, shifting to get a little more room in the narrow bed.
Jason tensed but remained silent for a few moments. "Don't want to talk to him?"
"Did you have a fight?" Jason's voice was quiet, but his body hadn't relaxed since hearing Lex's name.
"Some things are really none of your business." Clark rolled out of bed and his feet hit the floor. Fuck. That had been a real asshole thing to say.
"Jesus. You're...you're really a prick." Jason's voice vibrated with hurt and Clark didn't look at him as he slid his clothes on.
"Listen, I made a mistake. I'm sorry. I really am." But he didn't meet Jason's eyes as he buttoned his crumpled shirt and searched for his socks.
Clark felt shame like he hadn't in years creeping through every nerve ending and brain cell.
"When you leave this time, don't come back."
Clark paused in his search to brush the hair out his eyes, looking Jason in the face, the least he could do. "Okay. That's fair."
Jason snorted in disgust and moved gingerly to prop his back against the wall beside the bed. It had been a rough night, Clark hadn't been as careful as he could have been. Clark winced as he realized that Jason was going to have a physical reminder of this humiliation for several days to come.
He finally found one of his socks and was still looking for the other when Jason finally said, "While I've got you here, let me just tell you that you're a mother-fucking, selfish piece of shit who's in love with his best friend but is too scared to tell him."
Clark pulled the one sock on, gave up on finding the other and started putting on his shoes. It was true, all all true and the shame twisted into anger.
"Lex is straight. He's straight. Do you fucking understand that? Jesus."
"Yeah, he's straight like a fucking circle."
Clark shook his head. "Listen, I know him. He's never been with a guy in his life, okay?" Clark grabbed his keys and straightened his collar before pulling on his coat. He needed to get away and try to redeem himself. He didn't even know where to begin.
"Yeah, well, here's my parting gift and then I never want to see you again. You don't have to have been with a guy to want to be with a guy. Think about it."
Clark nodded and looked Jason in the eye. "I really am sorry. I never wanted to hurt you. I feel like shit about this. I'm sorry. Really sorry."
Jason just looked away and Clark closed the door gently behind him on his way out.
Lex smiled as Sylvia entered the dining room dressed in his purple pajama bottoms and a t-shirt. Clark would look better in that particular attire, but since she was here and Clark wasn't...
"You look lovely this morning," Lex purred.
"Thank you, and last night? Well, Alexander, I think you may have put your prior performances to shame."
Lex smirked and pushed back any guilt at the fantasies that had fueled his passion.
"Did you reach Clark?"
"No, not yet." Lex sighed and poured more orange juice and indicated that Sylvia should choose from the various pastries and fruit the cook had set out for breakfast.
"I think you should try to go to his dorm. What if something happened to him? There are so many drunk drivers on New Year's Eve." Sylvia sounded genuinely concerned and Lex studied her more closely. "I feel a little guilty that we didn't try locate to him last night. I'm afraid I'd had too much to drink."
Lex smiled at her. "Clark can take care of himself."
Sylvia's eyes remained trained on her long nails ripping apart the orange in her hand. She cleared her throat and continued, "I hope I'm not stating anything that I shouldn't, but you do realize that Clark is in love with you, don't you, Lex?"
Lex scoffed. "Clark? He's my best friend."
"Yes. Clark. In love with you."
"That's insane." Lex laughed a little too brightly. "He's my best friend."
Sylvia shrugged. "Okay, well, I just wanted to warn you so that you could take precautions. I didn't want you to be too surprised when he comes onto you one day." Sylvia looked up to meet his eyes, the green depths shimmering with laughter. "Don't get me wrong, I know what he sees in you. But I'd hate for you to ruin your friendship with an overly aggressive rebuff."
Lex sipped his orange juice and slowed his breathing before replying in a steady voice, "Sylvia, I thank you for your concern, but I think you may have overstepped your boundaries."
She smiled brightly, her crooked mouth somehow more evident without lipstick. "All right, Lex. I apologize. Let's just stick to the fucking. We do that much better than the talking."
Lex laughed. "I agree."
He sat down in a chair and indicated that she should do the same. "Let's finish breakfast and then I'll have a car take you home."
Sylvia grinned. "Perfect."
Clark arrived back at his dorm room to messages from his mom and dad, Chloe, Pete, Lana and several ex-girlfriends who just wanted to wish him a happy New Year.
He quickly peeled off his rumpled clothes and threw on a towel. He needed to get the scent of sex off his body if he was going to stop feeling as if he'd been swallowed by guilt. He almost laughed at that. It seemed like there hadn't been a time since he was fifteen when he hadn't felt guilty for something.
But this was something else.
This -- what had happened with Jason -- had been careless and cruel. Clark didn't want to be that person. But he was. There was no getting around that now.
The warm shower pelted his skin and he took his time sudsing everywhere, careful to get rid of every stray bit of Jason. Clark tried not to remember how good it had felt to sink into Jason's pliant body, or the way Jason always came first, ass clenching around his cock. Shit. He was getting hard. He started working O Chem equations in his mind but that only brought to mind the way he had blurred his eyes and pretended it was Lex underneath him. Lex with red hair and freckles on his nose. Lex if there'd never been a meteor shower. Never been an alien named Clark.
He shook his head as his cock rose, Lex's name whispering through his mind. He had to stop this. It was killing him. Lex was straight. Clark tried to will his erection away, but it steadfastly bobbed between the rivulets running down his legs. He tried to think of things that horrified him, massive blood-sucking spiders and twenty-foot snakes and too many dead bodies. But instead he kept seeing Lex dancing with Sylvia, imagining Lex fucking Sylvia, picturing that beautiful, pale ass pumping and grinding between her legs.
Oh fuck. His cock twitched violently.
He slammed his hand against his forehead with all of his strength and didn't feel any pain and didn't jar the images from his mind. He was so hard his teeth ached and so sick that he was going to vomit. Although he didn't even think he could vomit.
He turned to face the shower nozzle and turned the water to full-on cold. Nothing. No effect. Again.
Clark wanted to sob but instead he gripped his cock and stroked to thoughts of Lex.
He came hard enough to see rainbows.
Lex shouldn't have gone into Clark's dorm room, but the door was open and, well, Clark waltzed into Lex's home whenever he wanted, so, fair is fair.
Still, he couldn't help but question his choice when Clark burst into the room in nothing but a faded green towel, his entire body flushed and wet from the shower.
"Hi." He smiled and swallowed hard.
He had to stop looking. He'd seen Clark's body before. He'd been swimming with him, he'd played Marco Polo even, grabbed those muscled arms in pathetic games at pool parties in Smallville. This was no different.
Only it was. Because it was four years later and he wanted Clark more than ever and he had never denied himself something he wanted for so long.
Lex could barely breathe. He stared at Clark's chest and his eyes slid down to the path of dark hair to large, beautiful hands holding the towel firmly in place.
"Lex?" Clark's voice was thick and a little confused.
Lex forced his eyes up to Clark's. "Hey. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have just come in, but the door was open. Should I go?"
"No. Just, uh, just let me put on some clothes."
Lex made a move toward the door. "Let me give you some privacy then."
Clark chuckled. "It's okay, Lex. You've seen it all before."
Lex almost whimpered at the memories plowing through his brain. "Yes. Well..."
Lex turned and made his way over to the tiny window across from Clark's messy desk. He looked out seeing nothing and everything. A red car parked illegally, an overturned trashcan, a bicycle with missing wheels. It was a shitty little view.
His whole body focused on Clark though, each nerve attuned to the sounds of drawers opening and closing and cloth rustling over skin. He leaned forward and gripped the windowsill as his cock responded to the imagery his excellent imagination was providing him at each scrape of denim on cotton or the zip that could have been his undoing.
Lex wished he could find something to say. It felt awkward to be standing there, silent and hard, looking out at an overturned trashcan and mindlessly cataloguing fast food logos on old containers spilling onto the pavement.
"I'm done. You can turn around now."
Lex slowly turned away from the window, licking his lips and frantically trying to remember what he'd come over to talk to Clark about.
Clark was indeed clothed. Thank God. Flannel and jeans. Not one of those new, sexy, tight t-shirts that he'd been buying since he got to college. Thank fucking God.
"So. You never come here, Lex. Remember when you helped me move in? You said that the thought of me living here made you ill and you would never forgive me for not letting you pay for an apartment and as proof of said grudge, you would never visit me here again. Remember?"
Lex nodded, looking up to meet Clark's eyes. "I remember."
He also remembered that he hadn't been totally honest that day. He remembered how Clark had been flirting with the guy next door, bright eyed and eager, fresh from Smallville and ready to experience all that life had to offer. Boys, girls, fucking aliens if he could find them, Lex had thought.
The guy who had lived next door that first year was Clark's first boyfriend. The first person he ever had sex with, even before any girls. It still made Lex's hands shake to remember that guy. Blond, blue eyes, killer smile. Lex still remembered his name. Eric. Eric Overholt.
Eric had shown Clark about sex. Shown him things that Lex didn't know and had never done. Done things with Clark that Lex had always wanted to do but had been too -- yeah, well, just spit it out -- afraid to risk it.
And Lex had seen it all on that first day, he'd known how it was all going happen and he'd hated the dorm and he'd hated that guy and he'd even hated Clark for about two days.
"Yes. I remember."
Clark shrugged and glanced around the room and Lex followed his eyes. All surfaces were covered with library books or computer disks or CDs, even the two chairs were laden with notebooks.
"Um, here." Clark gestured. "Let's sit on the bed. It's really the only place."
Lex looked at the narrow little mattress and couldn't seem to move.
"God, Lex. You're freaking me out. You come over here, break a vow you've kept for three years and then you don't talk. What's going on? Are you mad at me?"
Lex looked back up at Clark's face and blinked at the eyebrows crinkled in confusion. He took a breath to say something, but instead found that he was walking to the bed and sitting down. Fuck. He was apparently operating on some kind of lag.
Clark sat down next to him, but not too close. "I'm sorry, I left last night. I know you hate it when I do that. But I...the champagne was getting to me and I just needed some fresh air."
Lex concentrated on Clark's huge socked feet shuffling against the tile floor and finally managed to speak.
"I'm not angry, Clark. I was just worried. I tried to call you last night when we got back and then I tried to call you this morning." He shifted and looked up to find Clark's head cocked and looking at him with a tender smile playing on his lips.
"I'm okay, see?"
"I know. I knew you would be. Sylvia suggested I come over, actually." Lex noticed something he hadn't really been looking for before: Clark's face shaded darker at the mention of Sylvia, just the barest mask containing another emotion. "Do you like her, Clark?"
Clark shrugged. "She's okay. I like her better than some of the others."
Suddenly Clark's face swept through an expression that could only be called panic. "Why? Are you going to marry her or something? Is that why you're here?"
Lex bit back a laugh and shook his head firmly. "No. No, I can't say that I really enjoy her company."
"Well, I know you enjoy her tongue," Clark murmured petulantly.
Lex took a deep breath. Coward. Now or never. Take the plunge. Do it.
"Clark, you almost sound jealous."
The telltale blush spread up Clark's neck and over his cheeks. "No. No, I just..."
Clark's eyes met his, held for a moment in a strange search and then turned challenging.
"Fuck it, Lex. Yeah. Yeah, okay? I'm jealous."
Lex swallowed and tried to speak but couldn't find any words.
"So, go ahead and tell me how straight you are, okay? And if I've freaked you out enough, go ahead and leave, just forget I said anything and let's stay friends." Clark's voice hitched into panic notes. "I'm sorry. I can't help how I feel. I've tried. I've tried for years."
Clark stood up and started pacing. Lex opened his mouth to speak but Clark cut him off.
"What am I supposed to do? I've been in love with you since I was a kid. I mean for-fucking-ever I've loved you and you're straight. How do you think that makes me feel? I have to move on. I've got to stop thinking about you."
Clark tore at his hair. Lex took a breath, ready to tell Clark everything, but...
"And then you date these women, who don't even see you the way you really are! And I try to date these people who are nothing like you and never could be and will never mean anything close to what you mean to me. And I just keep on hurting inside. How am I supposed to live this way?"
Lex started to tell him that he didn't have to, that things weren't what they seemed. But no, not yet.
"I'm sorry. I should never have told you. You'll hate me now. You'll think that we can't be friends. You'll avoid me and now I've lost you for good. I love you, Lex. I do. If I can't have you the way I want you, then I need you as my friend. I need you. Okay?"
Clark stopped moving and covered his face with his hands, his entire body shaking. Lex stared at him. He willed his body to move but it didn't. He willed his voice to speak but he could barely even catch his breath.
Clark looked up, finally, eyes shiny and bright. "You should see your face, Lex. It's like you've had the whole world ripped out from under you, not just some puny rug." Clark's voice was odd. Hurt and scared and empty. "I'm sorry. I guess I'm not the friend you thought I was." He let out a choked laugh. "And if you want more honesty, that isn't even the half of it."
Lex licked his lips and said, "Maybe I just had the whole world handed to me and I don't know if I'm strong enough to accept it. Maybe you are more than the friend I thought you were. Maybe I know more than the half of it."
Clark shook his head and rolled his eyes. "Give me a break, Lex. I know you are probably disgusted right now."
Lex pushed himself up to his feet and crossed to stand in front of Clark, stared up into hazel eyes that still swam with dampness. "I'm not disgusted."
His heart beating in his throat, Lex reached out and took one of Clark's hands in his own and gently pried the curled fist open.
"I've never been honest with you about how I feel." He slipped his fingers through Clark's and looked up again. Clark stared at their entwined hands with an expression of disbelief.
"How do you feel?" Clark's voice sounded young and frightened.
"Right now? Scared shitless." Lex laughed nervously.
Clark's eyebrows crinkled in impatience and he opened his mouth, but, this time, Lex cut him off.
"I know, I know. How do I feel about you, right?" Lex's stomach moved into his throat and he wasn't sure he could continue, but he forced the words out, small and choppy. "I've had feelings for you for at least three years -- maybe for five or more."
"Lex, you might care for me as a friend, but you're not gay." Clark held his hands tightly, as though unwilling to give him up despite his words. "You're not even bi."
"I'm definitely bisexual, Clark."
Clark shook his head. "No."
"I've never been with a man before."
Clark nodded. "Right."
"And yet I've always wanted to be with you." Lex smiled tenderly. "This is no joke, Clark."
"Why are you telling me now?" Clark whispered.
"I'm telling you for the same reason you told me. I -- I didn't come here to tell you. I came here because I needed to be near you. Do you understand?"
Clark shook his head. "No. I don't understand. Because what I'm hearing is that you told me now just because I told you that other stuff. Why? Because now, it's suddenly safe? Now that you know how much control you have over me?"
"God, Clark. Is that really what you think of me?"
Clark continued as though he hadn't heard Lex, "I can't act on my feelings for you, Lex. You mean too much to me and I know I don't mean as much to you. I don't want to be some weird sex experiment to you."
"No. You're wrong. I would never do this if I thought it was casual."
"You...you..." Clark started to back away but Lex grasped his hand tightly.
"Please don't pull away from me, Clark. I'm telling you something that is really hard for me to say."
Clark stopped his retreat and Lex stepped even closer, until he could feel the heat of Clark's body just inches away from him.
"I've hated everyone who ever touched you, everyone I ever thought you might care for more than you cared for me. But--" Lex took a shaky breath. Clark seemed to recognize his need, because a strong hand lifted to cup the back of Lex's neck, tracing soothing circles with his thumb. "But, I didn't say anything because I didn't want to risk everything."
"Risk what exactly?" Clark whispered.
"Our friendship. And, my career." Lex looked away. "My political aspirations."
He looked back to Clark's face and was relieved to find understanding there.
"And, I didn't...I hadn't...ever." Lex cleared his throat, took a deep breath and started over. "I have never been with a man and I was afraid -- am afraid." He voice was a challenge and he looked up at Clark almost angrily.
Clark nodded. "It's pretty scary."
"Never, ever tell anyone I said that. No matter what happens."
Clark chuckled. "I won't."
The thumb on Lex's neck still stroked circles and pressure on the back of his neck dragged him forward until his lips were millimeters from Clark's.
"Do you want me, Lex?"
Lex felt dizzy with fear and want and need. "Yes. But I -- I don't know how."
"It starts out just like with a girl," Clark whispered, eyes lowered and focused on Lex's mouth.
And then Clark kissed him. Lex was shocked by the scrape of stubble across his chin and the strange angle of tilting his head up and then he was lost. His hands twined in Clark's hair and he pressed against his body, reveling in the heat of Clark's mouth, the taste of his tongue and the soft caress of his lips.
Clark cradled Lex's bare skull in the palm of his hand, his fingers stroking softly in time with the kiss. And, damn, Lex kissed better than anyone he'd ever been with. He shivered as the tip of Lex's tongue trailed over the roof of his mouth and stroked his tongue with determination.
He pressed his leg between Lex's thighs and moaned at Lex's tiny buck. Lex's hands seemed to have knotted into his hair. He pulled back from the kiss to look down into Lex's eyes, shards of light glinting there in the dark depths. Lex stared back at him, ship wrecked and wanton, lips swollen and hands not letting go.
Lex nodded and took his mouth again in a kiss both aggressive and possessive. Clark trembled with the sensations racing through him. Lex pressed tight to his body, urgently grinding his erection against Clark's thigh. He started on Lex's buttons and found them coming off in his hands, so long since he'd been too excited to be careful, never been so excited he didn't even care. Some part of his mind screamed at him about the danger of getting too carried away, but he pushed it away, he knew that he would never hurt Lex, no matter how good he was feeling, no matter how hard he came.
It took forever with Lex's hands twisted into his hair, but he managed to get their clothes off and to guide Lex onto the bed. He covered Lex with his body, pressing skin on skin, and like permission was granted, Lex's hands left his hair and slid over him. Lex's fingers, made of small calluses and sharp nails, skimmed over his back, down his arms and over his ass.
Clark buried his face in Lex's neck and sucked hard, wanting to mark and claim. Wanting to make sure that there would be evidence of this, of them, hours from now, tomorrow, next week. Lex squirmed beneath him, hips bucking up and grinding their erections together.
The glide of their bodies rocking together hit him harder than any down and dirty sex Clark had ever tried to drown himself in. Passion amped with love and lust had never played his heart, his soul, like this before. No fantasy had ever been this real.
Lex was amazing, openly aggressive and vibrantly sexy. Yet, Clark quivered inside at the shyness and fear lingering beneath the surface of Lex's eyes. He couldn't believe this was real: Lex, open and vulnerable for him, only him. God, unbelievable.
"Are you okay?"
Lex nodded. "Nervous."
"Yeah, we'll go slow."
Lex shook his head. "No, please, Clark, I've wanted you so long." Shivers erupted over Clark as Lex dug his fingers into his back and pressed his hips up to emphasize his words.
He pulled back to look into Lex face, the blue eyes moved over his features hungrily. "Tell me. What do you want? We can do it any way you want."
Lex shook his head. "Not this time. This time, you show me." Lex's voice was gravelly and broken, his eyes nervous and sketchy, the offer of control obviously costing him as much as his admission of fear.
"Okay. I..." Clark closed his eyes looking for courage. When he found it, he opened them again to see Lex gazing at him full of trust. "I want to be inside of you. But I can wait, if -- if you don't want that."
Lex tensed and he swallowed hard. "It will hurt?"
Clark kissed him gently, soothing him, rocking against his body. "Yeah. Yeah, it will."
Lex closed his eyes and whispered, "Okay."
Clark traced Lex's eyebrows and down his cheekbone with one finger. Beautiful -- and his. "Are you sure?"
"Say it again."
"Yes. I want you to fuck me."
Clark shuddered and crushed his lips to Lex's forcefully and ground down with hips. Lex whimpered and Clark pulled away.
"Let me get the things."
He reluctantly disentangled himself from Lex's body in a fog, because this couldn't be real, and stumbled over to his desk drawer. He knocked over a stack of library books in his haste and the sound of Lex's chuckle from the bed brought a breath of reality to the moment. He found the condom and lubricant easily and tried not to think about why the items were so close to the front of the drawer.
He turned back to Lex and froze.
Fuck. So fucking beautiful. Pale and stretched out on dingy white sheets, cock dark and straining against his stomach, face flushed, mouth red and tender, stubble burns along his chin. Oh God. Lex.
"Everything okay, Clark?"
Lex's voice. That body, that face. That voice. Clark grabbed his own cock and squeezed for a moment trying to gain equilibrium.
"Jesus, Lex. You should see yourself. So hot."
"No. That's you."
Clark grinned and crawled onto the bed. Lex's hands followed his progression, sliding down to rest on his hips.
Lex chuckled tensely. "I -- I can't believe we're actually doing this."
"We're skipping some pretty big steps here, Lex." Clark murmured against Lex's scarred lips.
"Which ones?" Lex asked, nuzzling against Clark's face, obviously enjoying scraping the stubble over his cheeks and scalp.
"Like blowjobs and handjobs, for starters."
"Fuck those. I've had them before." Lex smirked, shyness still glimmering underneath. "This is you, our first time. I want it to be something new."
Clark's smile faded a little.
"What?" Lex's body tensed and his voice sounded like high-wire.
"Nothing. I just realized I don't have anything new to give you."
Lex licked his lips, voice warm again, comforting. "Fuck, Clark. I didn't mean it like that. Jesus. Having you here. And -- you said you loved me. It's your first time with someone you love."
Lex continued, "For me, too."
Heat rushed through Clark's veins and a lump formed in his throat. He blinked his eyes rapidly and nodded before Lex's hands were in his hair again, pulling him down to suck on his lips.
Frenzied moments later Clark was lost with his tongue in Lex's mouth and two slick fingers in that tight ass. Lex whimpered and gripped his hair like reins. Kissing Lex, touching him, breathing him in - Clark ached to fill Lex's body, ached to fuck him until he cried out his name. Clark pulled his head free of Lex's hands, despite the groan of protest. Shaking with need and unable to wait any longer, he negotiated himself between Lex's thighs and sat back on his heels. Clark rolled the condom on his cock and slicked it liberally. He leaned to grab his boxers from the floor and wiped his fingers off.
"There are more comfortable ways of doing this, but I want to see your face so that I know I'm not hurting you, okay?" Clark couldn't be sure how he'd managed to say all of that.
Lex nodded and his eyes glinted with fear, wiry arms shaking with nerves. Clark stroked soothingly down his legs and then gently kissed the inside of each thigh as he lifted Lex's legs onto his shoulders. He wondered at the lump that came back to his throat as he positioned himself against Lex's hole.
"We can still stop."
Lex shook his head, his speeding pulse giving him away.
"Take a deep breath, Lex."
Lex closed his eyes and took a breath.
Clark bit down on his lip and pushed the head of his cock past the tight ring of muscle. Lex let out a strangled yelp and his eyes flew open, shock and pain on his face. Clark ran his hands up and down the back of Lex's thighs to calm him.
"Shhh. Relax. Do you want me to stop?"
Lex growled, "No."
"Okay. Breathe, baby, breathe."
Lex nodded and took a shaky breath. Clark stroked soothing hands up Lex's stomach, chest and down his arms, gripping his hands in reassurance.
He pressed in again with each of Lex's indrawn breaths. He was relieved to feel tension leaving Lex's body with each exhale. He kept his eyes on Lex's face, the eyes fluttering shut and the lips twisting occasionally. He thrust harder and slid home. Lex gasped and bucked up to meet him, settling him deeper inside.
God. Inside Lex. Oh fuck. The clenching around his cock was Lex's ass and the pulse thrumming on the bottom of his cock was Lex's pulse. Clark took deep breaths and tried not to come.
"Please, Clark." Lex opened his eyes and whimpered, "Don't hold back, fuck me like you've wanted."
Clark shuddered hard and started to thrust slowly. "I'm not going to last long, I'm sorry."
Lex shook his head. "It's okay....fuck!"
Clark stopped mid-thrust.
"Oh fucking God," Lex babbled, head back, eyelids fluttering. "Do that again."
Clark laughed. "Prostate."
Lex nodded, words gone.
Clark angled his thrusts and Lex bucked up hard and screamed. Clark found his rhythm as Lex writhed beneath him. He watched Lex's face with fascination bordering on obsession, each eye flutter, each facial twist and each lip curl. Clark lifted onto one arm to grasp Lex's cock and stroked hard and quickly.
Lex's face collapsed and his free hand scrambled up to Clark's head, grasping his hair and pulling him down for a kiss as he came. Clark felt come hit the bottom of his chin as he rode out Lex's convulsions.
He closed his eyes and let go. He pounded into Lex's tight, sweet body, the strong legs wrapping around his waist and encouraging him, heels pressing into his sides.
When Lex grunted, "I fucking love you, you alien freak," Clark came hard, ass clenched and straining to go deeper, stars and colors crowding through his body and out his cock.
Lex had never been so sore in his life. His ass screamed every time he moved. But he didn't fucking care, because Clark's cock had been inside him. Clark had come with his name on his lips. Clark loved him. Clark wanted to figure out how to make this work.
Okay, so he was scared shitless and he was aching and freaking out a little, but, all in all, this was the best thing that had ever happened to him.
Clark paced the room blabbering. Lex listened patiently and waited for his cue.
"Fuck, Lex! How long have you known? I've been scared shitless to tell you all these years and then you just scream it while I'm fucking you! Do you have any clue how much I wish you'd told me?"
Lex opened his mouth to speak but Clark interrupted him.
"I'm serious, Lex. This is serious stuff. This is the sort of thing that could get me killed. But you know that. I know you'd never let them hurt me. I guess, I should've just told you years ago, just like the other thing. But I wasn't allowed to tell anyone. You have to believe me, Lex."
Lex opened his mouth to say that it really wasn't wise to tell anyone at all, even him. But Clark kept talking.
"Well, except for Pete. I told Pete. You won't hate me for telling him, will you? Because I had to tell him. Well, I didn't have to tell him, but I was sixteen and I thought I should tell him. And I'd only known you one year by then, you know? So, I didn't tell you, but I told Pete. And then when I told Pete, I saw how dangerous it can be for anyone to know my secret. He almost got killed so many times. I can't even tell you. So, yeah. I told Pete."
Lex tried to tell Clark that it was okay. But, no, not yet...
"And, shit. My parents are going to freak to know that you figured it out. They are going to wonder who else knows. Who else does know, Lex? Do you think anyone else has figured it out? I've been so good since I came to Metropolis, so careful. What do you think?"
Clark stopped and looked at him.
"I think my ass hurts."
Clark stared at him a moment and then instantly landed next to him on the bed. "Let me look. Did I hurt you? My God, Lex..."
Lex laughed, pain shooting through him as his body shook with it. "No. Stop. You don't have to look. I'm fine. I was just trying to calm you down. You were freaking out."
Clark stared at him, giving him a very strange, long and detailed once-over.
"What are you doing?"
"Checking for internal injuries. You're okay."
Lex nodded. "I know I'm okay. What? You have X-ray vision?"
Clark blushed. "Uh, yeah?"
"Lay down next to me. Calm the fuck down and tell me everything. This is pretty cool."
Clark laughed and snuggled against him, resting his head on Lex's chest.
Lex stroked the soft curls and said, "This won't be easy, Clark. But I promise, we'll figure it out."
They'd better, Lex decided, because he couldn't go back to life without Clark's cock.
He couldn't go back to life without Clark's love.