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Trans*itions (the Lizandra Hairis remix)

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1. Boobs

Okay, let's face it: Xander's a guy. Even if his body is a girl now -- stupid demon rituals -- he's still a guy inside, where it counts. Mostly, at least. It's a bit confusing.

(Not that he regrets interfering with the ritual. Well maybe he does a little, because unexpected and irreversible changes can *suck* beyond the telling of it, and he does find himself missing his dick, and really his whole male body and everything that went with it; but he also knows things could have been so much worse if it had succeeded. The point of the ritual was to make Buffy male, which would have mucked the Slayer thing up, and all things considered, Xander would rather be a girl than live in a Hellmouthy place with no proper Slayer.)

But still: he's a guy, at least in his head. A relatively normal, and 100% heterosexual guy. (Maybe 90%, whatever, that's not the point.) And boobs are the *best thing ever*.

And now he has a set of his very own, 24/7.

The thrill will probably wear off eventually, but for now it's great.

 

2. Clothes

Things just don't fit the same way they used to, and it drives him a bit crazy.

All his clothes are too big, in all the wrong places, except for the ones that somehow manage to be too big (especially in the shoulders) *and* too small (especially through the bust) all at the same time.

Trying to shop for new stuff, to find things that appeal to him? Next to impossible. Especially when nothing is ever the same size even if it's labelled that way, and nothing fits right, and dear God in heaven trying to find a good pair of *jeans* has him almost ready to sell his soul, except not literally.

(And let us never speak of the arcane horror that is shopping for bras.)

At least he has some help navigating this new world. Buffy is great for the first emergency bout of shopping, especially if it means Xander stops borrowing her clothes and stretching them out funny. (He seems to be a bit more -- endowed -- than she is.) But it's Cordelia who's the most help.

Of course, it's not really surprising that she knows clothes. More surprising that she's talking to him, *and* being nice and even helpful.

Plus, once he does find stuff, he's surprised at how *pretty* he is.

 

3. Social life

Some things are the same. He still hangs out with Buffy and Willow (because once a Scooby Gang, always a Scooby Gang), and when they go to the Bronze he still dances like he's got no coordination.

But a lot changes.

One thing is that Willow, once she comes out as gay -- which privately Xander thought was about as surprising as him turning into a girl, but he'd never say that to her face; he values his life too much, and anyway, she and Tara are adorable together -- drags him to a meeting of the LGBT society on campus, and Xander unexpectedly enjoys their company.

It helps that he fits in twice over: once for being technically gay (because as male as he feels on the inside, he's still a girl on the outside, and there isn't really a good concise term for what he is any more or for who he likes but he does the best he can with society's limitations) and once, he comes very slowly to realize, for being basically transgender. Maybe it's not the usual trans narrative (and Willow giggles at him when he says that to her, and points out how much he's changed for even knowing those terms), though Xander bets he's not the only person who's become transgender through demonic or supernatural or generally hinky means.

But most of the people he meets there seem able to accept him as he is. Not as a girl (the way Buffy is determined to), not as a boy (the way Giles keeps absently doing and then correcting himself in a stammer), not as he used to be or as he should be, but as he is.

4. Sex

He also gets a lot of advice from them about, well, other matters.

Dating is okay, because it's pretty much the same. It would be easier if Buffy didn't practically throw guys at him in hopes that he will spontaneously become a "normal" girl, but really it boils down to the same basics: find attractive girl, use cheesy pick-up lines that make her laugh or edge away, pursue as appropriate.

He does have to turn down more guys than he expects, but maybe that's just part of being a girl, he hasn't decided yet.

But the actual physical mechanics of sex leave him a bit baffled.

It's fairly straightforward as a guy, because as a guy he had a dick, and dicks get happy when they're touched or go in things. Sure, he knows about things like dildoes and strap-ons (he does have access to the internet, and he's not totally naive), which provides him with something to insert, but it's not the same.

Also, what he feels isn't the same.

And it's really awkward to talk to his friends, to someone like Willow, because he just starts babbling nonsensically and she stares at him with a frown and he decides it's better to go away. (Not that he tried that ... well, more than the once, anyway.)

But then eventually he meets this chick Amie at one of the LGBT society meetings, and she is for one thing attractive, for another attracted *to him*, and for a third is willing to experiment and also show Xander some stuff.

Several times.

You know, just for practice.

 

6. Friendships

Xander never expected to be a girl, and he certainly never expected to *stay* a girl. But the cost of changing back -- risking turning several of his friends into goo puddles just for the *chance* of *maybe* getting him back as a him -- is too high, and so he stays a girl.

Things change.

But his friends are still his friends, and, hell, even his *exes* seem to be his friends, and with all that strength around him --

Xander can think of way worse fates.