Actions

Work Header

Random Plot Twists

Chapter Text

"What do you mean, the Hellmouth is missing?"

"Checked the basement," said Buffy. "Nothing there. No sigil, no creepiness, nada."

"Extraordinary," Giles said, several minutes later. "Also completely impossible. It's a complete mystery to me."

A silver portal irised from nowhere, spat two teenagers into the library, and disappeared. The girl waved a badge. "We're here to get your Hellmouth back."

Buffy blinked. "And we'd want it back why?"

"Hey, wait," Xander said suddenly. "You're Ivy and Zack, right? From the Acme Detective Agency?"

"That's us," Zack confirmed.

"But that means--"

Ivy nodded. "Carmen Sandiego has stolen the Hellmouth."

Chapter Text

Abby looked down in horror. "But I totally didn't mean to!"

"You have to be really careful with magic," Willow told her. "Spells are like computer code; they do exactly what you tell them to."

"I thought you said magic was all about intent -- as I will, so mote it be and like that."

Willow frowned. "Sometimes. But the words matter most. Besides, you have to admit he looks kinda cute."

"In a nine-inch-tall fully poseable kind of way, I guess. But you still have to change him back!"

Willow grinned. "What, you don't want to keep your rubber Ducky?"

Chapter Text

Caritas' other patrons were giving her table a wide berth. When Lorne delivered her tea and scones, he realized why.

"J. B. Fletcher, isn't it?"

"Guilty," she admitted. "Your clientele is...distinctive."

"As are -- wait, you're human?"

"Shouldn't I be?"

"Half the paranormal grapevine is convinced you're demonic. All those corpses...."

Jessica sighed. "I wish I could explain it."

"Perhaps I can. Sing for me?"

Five teacups later, she reluctantly complied, her voice rich yet wistful:

"Dancing bears, painted wings,
Things I almost remember--
And a song someone sings,
Once upon a December."*

When she finished, she rejoined Lorne. "Well?"

"Fascinating. Just -- fascinating."

"Do tell."

"You don't attract corpses, my dear, you attract innocence -- of a particular kind. There's a touch of precognition in it, and of empathy. All those friends of yours? They're nice in exactly the way that makes other people frame them for murders."

"That makes them sound like doormats, " Jessica objected. "They're not -- not all of them, anyway."

Lorne set one green-skinned hand on hers. "I know, and they do need you -- as much as you need them. Trust me, I know from alone."

Jessica smiled faintly. "I don't doubt it. More tea?"

"Of course."

Chapter Text

Spike had almost totally forgotten the incident until the night Dawn talked him into watching a Looney Tunes marathon. "Those characters really exist, you know," he told her.

Dawn snorted. "I'm not five."

"'S'truth," Spike insisted. "Been there. Bloke in Hollywood had this sodding ray-gun--"

"And zapped you into cartoonland? No way."

"Took a week to get back. Chicken with glasses had to hotwire the Martian's space whoozie-whatsis."

"Iludium Q-36 Explosive Space Modulator? You've gotta be kidding."

"S'truth!"

The television abruptly squawked. They both stared at the duster-clad figure stalking across the screen:

"Be vewy vewy qwiet. I'm hunting Swayews!"

Chapter Text

Dr. Oliver stared, shocked. "You're not Kira!"

The powered-down Yellow Ranger shrugged. "I kinda -- borrowed her compact-thing when she wasn't looking. Then that monster showed up, it bleeped, I opened it, and POW!, I went all Spandex and super."

"Impossible. Or it should be, unless you're bonded to a dino-gem."

"Dino-gem? Don't think so. But there's this Key thing...."

Dr. Oliver blinked. "O-kay. And your name is?"

"Dawn Summers. We moved to Reefside last month." She sighed. "I guess you'll want this back?"

"'Fraid so. Kira needs it."

"Rats!"

"But this one...." He produced a green morpher.

"Cool!"

"Welcome aboard."

Chapter Text

Illyria stared into the mist. "The view is spectacular."

"Brings back memories," Spike said.

"Oh? Good ones, I hope."

"Not hardly. Lost a colleague last time I was here -- hundred and eighteen years ago today -- and the bloody git who staked him escaped."

"Escaped? From you?"

"James stationed me 'way the Hell up there." Spike waved toward the clifftop behind them. "Git scarpered before I could get down."

Illyria frowned. "That sounds...familiar. Have you told the story before?"

Spike snorted. "No -- bloody Conan Doyle did. Got it all wrong, mind."

"I see," Illyria said, still admiring the Reichenbach Falls.

Chapter Text

“Twenty-five dollars a box? That’s awfully expensive.”

“I know, Miz Rodgers, but it’s for an important cause, and we use only the most authentic ingredients.”

“Most authentic? You don’t mean...?”

“Oh, yes; our cookies are made with genuine Girl Scouts, right here in Sunnydale.”

“We’ll pass, thank you. Good day, Miss Madison.”

Amy was halfway down the block when the youngster caught up. “I’ll take a box.”

“Coconut, oatmeal raisin, or double Scout?”

“Double Scout, of course.” He produced money.

“Enjoy.”

“I’m sure I will.”

The toe Rick found in the first cookie made its way into his second novel.

Chapter Text

Giles handed back the form.  “We need a name.”

“It’s all anyone calls him!”

“Another secondary contact, then.”

Jade considered.  “Captain Black’s number’s classif-, um, unlisted, Tohru squashes phones, SuperMoose?  Cartoon character.  I’m good with this.”

“A relationship is insufficient.  If it is a relationship.”  Giles’ eyebrow rose.

“Look, just call him.”

Giles sighed and dialed.

“Uncle’s Rare Finds, Uncle speaking.”

“Jade Chan’s uncle?”

“No, Liberace’s uncle!  Who calling?”

“Rupert Giles, Summers Academy.”

“Jade in trouble?”

“Ah, no...”

“Then do not waste Uncle’s time!”

 “Er, whose-?”

“One more thing: Watchers nosy!”  The line clicked.

Jade grinned.  “So?”

“Uncle it is.”

Chapter Text

“So,” said the woman, “your victims sing and dance themselves into a frenzy, then spontaneously combust.”

“Shwooof!” Sweet said, gesturing.

“Perfect. Since these jokers already sing and dance incessantly, it shouldn’t even take long.”

“Trained performers?” Sweet frowned. “They have stronger self-discipline; the spell might not take.”

“Damn. There must be a way—”

“I can supply a host of invisible backup singers.”

“Can you have them sing deliberately off-key?”

The demon grimaced. “It’ll cost you.”

“But it will drive my enemies completely and utterly insane. And then, shwooof!”

Sweet grinned. “Diabolical.”

“Aren’t I, though?” Sue Sylvester grinned back. “Deal?”

“Showtime!”

Chapter Text


“Sue, you tried to have my students flambéed!”

“I did no such—”

“Don’t bother. Your invisible choir squawked.”

“How could you—?”

“They sang, we triangulated.”

“They’re trained professionals, Will. They had a fair chance to beat the spell.”

“Performers in training. And under torture. Did you hear your singing saboteurs mangling South Pacific?”

“Did anyone actually combust?”

“Well...no.”

“See? No harm done.”

“You’re not getting away with this.”

“Actually, I just did.”

Will smiled...and raised his hands. “Note?”

The empty office answered. “Laaaaaa.....”

“All together now: It’s a small world after all....”

Unseen, in the corridor, Sweet grinned.