Work Header

Chapter Text

UC: Thijs, Peter is doing something cool right now and I want in.
AD: what can i do for you?
UC: There’s this thing called a punch designix.
UC: can you deploy it please?

AD: sure
AD: no, wait, you dont have the glass for it.

UC: What?
UC: oh man, you mean i have to kill monsters with this weak ass toy scythe?

AD: sure looks like it.
AD: let me know when you get it, okay?
AD: I’m going to tell Willow what to do.

UC: Do you have to?
AD: Nope, she pretty much already knows.
AD: But that just means she’s really cooperative

UC: You are such a lucky client player.
AD: i know right
AD: anyway ill talk to you later.

-- annoyingDutchie [AD] ceased pestering unorthodoxCreation [UC] at ??:?? --

You might as well get rid of the time function on this thing if it’s only going to be annoying.

Now you have to think of ways to kill imps with just your toy scythe. That’s going to be a very productive endeavor, you’re sure.

Your eyes fall on your hatched Raviolisprite. Maybe you don’t have to do this all alone after all.

You still have to give it something to make it talk, though and you are so definitely going to feed it a book. There’s just no way that isn’t what you’re going to do.

But which one? You just have so many, many choices. Are you going to choose Good Omens and create a demon or the Antichrist or whatever? Or one of the Wild Magic books and give your plushie magic? Or Dragonsbane and do exactly what Peter neglected to do? Or maybe...

Oh yes.

This is totally going to happen.

You throw in the assorted works of Shakespeare.

After a bright flash that seems to be the go-to special effect of this game, you find yourself facing floating ghost-Ravioli again. It doesn’t look like much has changed.
“Can you talk now, Ravioli?”
“My speech’s, indeed, come t’me, m’lady Kyri,” he replies.
“Wow,” you say. “That’s actually really cool.”
“Amaz’d, I see, by my ability?”
“Yes, I am.”

He opens his mouth to speak again, but you beat him to it. “Listen, I’m sure you’d like to give me all kinds of riddles already, but I’m doing science and I need your help to kill some monsters, okay?”
“The slaying of monsters is not my forte, I’d say.
Nevertheless, I shall do my best anyway.”
“Thank you.”

You hear something break in one of the nearby rooms and you immediately equip your scythe and beckon Raviolisprite to follow you. You edge closer to the door, very conscious of every step you take, which would usually only cause you to make more noise, but apparently the universe is willing to let you catch a break. Yet you still find the effort wasted as several imps run out on their own accord, catching you by surprise just as much as they surprise themselves by seeing you.

They’re not like the bird-imps you saw at Peter’s place, though, which you suppose makes sense. These bear a striking resemblance to the plush dog now floating behind you, aside from the fact that they look like they’re made of cloth.

The game helpfully informs you that these are Cloth Imps.

After recovering from your surprise you hit the nearest imp over the head with your scythe. The scythe leaves a small dent in the clothes, but otherwise the imp remains thoroughly unimpressed. Its health bar seems to agree, since you barely left a mark on it.

It grins and swipes back at you, but finds its claws blocked by Raviolisprite.
“My strength does not lie in the supernatural,
But pure dedication is th’power for all.”
A dagger appears in his hand and he stabs the imp once, killing it instantly.

A smile forms on your face. You just can’t help it. With that kind of badass next to you, you feel nigh invincible. You flip your scythe around and whack the second imp upside the head as hard as you possibly can with what is essentially just a stick now. It isn’t exactly the most impressive of actions, but you manage to deal more damage and you daze the imp.

By the time it comes back to its senses, you’ve already given it another blow and suddenly there’s a large chunk of its health bar missing. As expected, it’s none too pleased with this development and it jumps at you.

You try to get out of the way, but you aren’t fast enough and its claws scratch your arm. Wow, that hurts a lot... less than you expected it to, really. Apparently being made out of cloth doesn’t only make them damage-resistant, but also less effective in dealing out damage themselves. Hooray!

Now that you no longer have to worry about getting significantly injured yourself, you might as well just keep wailing on it until it collapses into a bunch of grist. It doesn’t look very happy with the fact that you’ve realised this, right up to the point where you knock off the last part of its health bar.

Build Grist and Cloth. You wonder what the second one is used for?

Before you can worry about that, though, you level up! You have climbed your Echeladder to the esteemed rung of Ferny Falooting, with all the benefits this implies.

You collect all your hard-earned Grist and discover that you’re still severely lacking in the ‘Glass’ department.

Fortunately, a short expedition provides you with a solution to this problem. There’s a Glass Imp in your house, too. This one is unlike the ones you’ve seen anywhere, so far, although that isn’t saying much, since your experience with imps was nonexistent until a little while ago. It has Petey’s wings, but Ravioli’s head, and it looks a lot cooler than the two you just fought. It also looks a lot more vicious.

You’re going to have to kill it regardless of its looks, though. You really need that grist. You have science to do, damnit!

You want to just rush in and hit it, but the battle you had with your mom a little while ago (although it feels like ages) reminds you that that isn’t a good idea at all.

Your opponent disagrees with you, though, charges at you and manages to run straight into your scythe.
“These things aren’t all too bright, are they?” you ask.
“They pose a greater threat in swarms, it’s true,” Raviolisprite answers.

The imp bares its teeth and growls at you, which you can’t help but think is actually kind of adorable.
“Have at, thee!” Yeah, you’re not really taking this seriously, but, whatever, this is a game and games are supposed to be fun, so you’ll take any enjoyment you can get out of it.

This one isn’t nearly as much of a pushover as the other were though, despite your hit doing actual damage, and when it scratches you, it really does hurt. It hurts quite a lot, actually.
“Can I get a little help?” you ask.
“Some trials need t’be faced alone, although,” Raviolisprite once again steps in and kills the imp in one go. “‘Tis not a true requirement for all.”
“Ravioli, you’re the best!”
He bows, his face still entirely serious. You know it’s easy to get bows wrong and make them look ridiculous, but he nailed it. You bow back, looking entirely less impressive than he did, and go collect your grist. There’s enough glass in there this time.

-- unorthodoxCreation [UC] began pestering annoyingDutchie [AD] --

UC: Thijs, I got the glass
AD: cool
AD: device is somewhere

UC: Where?
AD: somewhere
AD: no time

UC: What are you doing?
AD: trying not to die
UC: Okay, good luck
AD: thank you

-- annoyingDutchie [AD] ceased pestering unorthodoxCreation [UC] --

Well, that was entirely not all too helpful. Fortunately, your house isn’t all that big, so you’re pretty sure you can find it fast enough. You’ll check up on Peter first.

It looks like he’s made himself a lot of empty sylladex cards, which seems weird, but you guess he knows what he’s doing?

Their purpose soon becomes clear, as he uses them to apparently create new items. Well, time to create a few of them yourself.

It turns out Thijs put the Punch Designix in the middle of your sister’s room. There are less inconvenient places it could’ve gone, you guess. Like the roof.

It hits you that you probably won’t ever see her again. That’s... really depressing. You won’t see any of your family ever again. Just, wow. That’s really not something you’re going to want to think about a lot.

You create the cards in silence. Not a single imp bothers you and not even Raviolisprite enters as a few tears roll down your cheeks.

You leave the room with a sigh, and return to your computer, still quiet. Peter has been messaging you. Well, no need to bother him with this, he’s not having a good day either.

ES: So here’s the short version of what I discovered.
ES: Basically, punching a card lets you copy the item whose code you punched the card with.
ES: This alone is only useful to exchange interesting items we’ve found the code of, or to make more of something we desperately need.
ES: Like food, I guess.
ES: Do we even have to eat?
ES: I’m not feeling very hungry.

UC: You haven’t been there for very long.
UC: and you’ve been running on adrenaline most of the time.
UC: so I guess my answer is, maybe?

ES: Yeah, you’re probably right.
UC: But you also made something else entirely
UC: What was that?

ES: Well, that retarded guitar thing I made by punching in a random code.
ES: So don’t do that.
ES: It doesn’t get anyone anywhere.
ES: The other I got with the brilliant idea of punching a card twice, with different codes.
ES: You apparently create a combination of the two items.
ES: Granted, what I chose to use turned out to be pretty much useless, but if you find the right items, you can create all kinds of things.

UC: That sounds pretty cool.
UC: Although that gives me another idea.

ES: What idea?
UC: i’m not telling you
UC: i’ll discover it myself.
UC: Don’t think you get to hog all the glory here

ES: Alright, fine.
ES: Just remember to cite me in your research paper, will you?
ES: As a serious scientist I demand some credit in these major breakthroughs.

UC: Why don’t you start working on a first draft as a reference guide for our friends?
UC: and then i can add to it!

ES: That sounds like a good idea.
ES: Make sure you make some empty captchalogue cards, though.
ES: Those things come in really handy.

UC: Actually, I already did.
ES: Foresight.
ES: I like it.

UC: Also, you’ll never guess what I prototyped Raviolisprite with.
ES: Well, then, I probably won’t, will I?
UC: I won’t tell you if you don’t guess
ES: Damnit.
ES: The Eiffel Tower.

UC: What?
UC: That’s not a real guess!

ES: The guess is absolutely legitimate in every way and you will now tell me what it actually was, as per our agreement.
UC: alright, fine.
UC: You’re such a spoilsport.

ES: I cannot argue with that without delaying your telling.
UC: I prototyped with the assorted works of Shakespeare.
ES: …
ES: Wow.
ES: You’re right, I wouldn’t’ve guessed that.

UC: what do you think?
ES: Well, that’s going to be either really annoying or really awesome.
ES: Possibly both, although I wouldn’t be sure how that works.

UC: Raviolisprite is the best sprite.
UC: There’s just no contest.

ES: Fuck you I have a harpy.
ES: And we don’t even know what the rest of them are going to make.
ES: What would Thijs prototype with?

UC: Why do you want to know?
ES: Well, he’s next.
UC: It’ll probably be something dumb.
ES: And he can be surprisingly stupid.
ES: Shit, what if he does something really stupid?
ES: Like prototype with a black hole or something?
ES: That would mess up the entire game.

UC: how would that even work?
ES: He’d find a way!
ES: I have to stop him.

-- eccentricStyle [ES] ceased pestering unorthodoxCreation [UC] --

You suppose you had better leave him to it, then. He’ll tell you just how stupid that thought was after he talks to Thijs.

In the meantime, you’ll start working on your idea. If you can punch a card twice, then maybe you can also overlap two punched cards and create a different totem altogether. You’re going to try that with your weapon first, because you really need something that’s actually worth a damn.

But you need something sharp to combine your scythe with. A kitchen knife is the obvious choice, but your mom managed to bake cookies that got stuck in the wall. They should be pretty sharp, if that’s the case. Maybe you’ll try and see which one you like best?

Of course, you’ll double-punch both of those combinations too, just to be sure.

You spend a lot of time running around to get everything in order. So much time, in fact, that there isn’t enough time to describe all of it.

You have placed the knife/scythe double-punched totem on the Alchemiter and are ready to press the button, with the appropriate slow-motion effects and dramatic music in the background.

You create a plastic toy knife.


The double-punched cookie combination fares little better, as you make a plastic cookie that, nevertheless, tastes really good.

Next is the knife/scythe overlapped totem, which you are really looking forward to. It costs you a bit of Glass next to the usual Build Grist, but you’re willing to spend it on this.

You make the Lethal Chef, an actual sharp scythe.

This is more like it.

Last, but hopefully not least, although for it to be worse than the first two would be quite amazing, the cookie/scythe overlapped totem.

You make...

You make....

The Cookie Cutter of Death!

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a winner!