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The Truth About Snuggling Divas

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His whole body ached. What the fuck had he done…? He tried to move. Oh.

His whole body ached in a very particular and unmistakable way. Who the fuck had he…?

He opened his eyes and saw an unfamiliar ceiling… and then he saw hair. Perfect hair. Perfect hair at 7 a.m.

Oh, no.

Oh, no, for fuck's sake. He couldn't have… he had dignity. He had had dignity, once. Now, he had lost it forever and ever.

Because only one person, no, only one being in the entire Universe had hair that perfect that early… and that being was Matsumoto Jun.

And he was Kamenashi Kazuya and the Kames of the world do not, by any means, fuck the Matsujuns of the world. They just don't.

How did that happen? How?

And now it was getting worse… because Matsujun, still half-asleep, had grabbed him and seemed to be intent on snuggling. With him.

He had accepted many things in his life. He could put up with shiny clothes, he could tolerate his five idiotic band mates, he could endure doing silly dances, he could even lie to the crazy fans and learn to like the sparkles! But even a Johnny had to draw the line somewhere and his somewhere, he had just found out, was 'Snuggling with a diva with way too much attitude for his talent', no matter how good in bed the diva turned out to be.

And Matsujun hadn't been that good, had he?

He pushed Matsujun away and sat angrily on the bed. That was a mistake, he thought the moment hangover caught up with him.

'You're way cuter when you're drunk.'

'Go to Hell.'

'That was exactly my point. You want breakfast?'


'You must be charming during tours.'

It was too early for idle chatter like that. He just wanted to have a shower and go home. 'Hanging around with a naked Matsujun' wasn't his idea of a fun day off.

'Where's the… where are we?'

'My apartment, actually. You were totally against the idea of a love hotel.'

'Then where's the shower?'

'You're an awfully rude guest. And you can find it on your own.'

He was half-expecting Matsujun to put on a red velvet robe but Matsujun, probably trying to annoy him further, just put on a pair of pajama trousers.

Finding the shower took him longer than expected but at least it had warm water and at least there was a wall between him and… well.

He tried to relax. Then he saw the hickeys. The bite marks. So relaxing wasn't going to work. He tried remembering… and to his utter dismay, he did.

So Matsujun was good. Very good. So good a part of him actually wanted a repeat.

He didn't know what was worse: the fact that he had kissed Matsujun first or the fact that the whole situation was, unsurprisingly, Akanishi's fault.

Judging from Kame's face, his extremely brilliant plan hadn't worked. He looked as grim and as angry as ever. In fact, he could even tell he was gnashing his teeth.

It made no sense. He was sure they had met and blind dates weren't that bad, weren't they? He always had fun at blind dates… why wouldn't Kame have fun too?

Again, it made no sense. Unless Matsujun had somehow lost his prowess in the last few months, it made no sense at all.

'So, did he want to snuggle? He always does.'

Kame threw the first punch.

Matsujun was sulking and everyone knew what it meant: screams for all.

Couldn't he control his temper? Sometimes? He didn't even ask for Zen-quality peace. He just wanted tranquility and silence.

So, OK, Aiba was there and Matsujun was sulking and Nino, of course, was poking him. Literally. At least Ohno was drawing and not adding to the chaos. For now.

'I should have stayed an economist.' He sighed… and then Matsujun did the puppy eyes thing he always did when he was sulking and needed to talk to him.

Why him? Hadn't he heard enough tales of all the amazing gay sex his colleagues had on a regular basis? He was growing so used to it it was kind of scary. It had to be stopped.

But the puppy eyes.

He sighed.

'What happened?'

'He left.'



Why was it always him?

'You didn't want him to leave?'

Matsujun nodded.

'So, you like him?'

'I don't know.'


'It's just… there was something.'


'OK, he annoyed me. He just left! He didn't even have breakfast. I know I'm great in bed.'

Sho just rolled his eyes.

'That's how he is. Akanishi…'

Matsujun looked at him oddly.

'I'm not talking about him.'

'Eh? But, last night, you said…'

'Oh, right. Akanishi didn't show up.'

'So what then? He sent a friend?'

'Well, I don't know if they're actually friends.'

'KAT-TUN member?'


'I thought Taguchi was straight…'

'Yeah, he is. I checked.'

'But you said…'

'It wasn't Taguchi, you idiot.'

'Then who? Nakamaru? Tanaka?'

'I don't want to fuck your cheap version. And who was Nakamaru again?'

'Oh, please, don't tell me you and Ueda… please not Ueda.'

'I'm into men, not women.'

'Then who…?'

It dawned on him.

'You must be fucking kidding.'


'Because it's Kame. Kame.'

'And so?'

'Well, you know. It's Kame.'

He's you, only thinner.

'He's actually quite cute when he's drunk.'

'When he's drunk… You got him drunk? You devil.'

'He got himself drunk and he came onto me. My charm works without me trying.'

'But he left.'

'Yeah, he left.'

'Look, Jun, he's an idiot. He was drunk and confused and well, he's an idiot. He's in KAT-TUN after all.'

Jun chuckled.

'Yeah, you're right.'

Sho hit him in the back of the head.

'Don't look that gloomy unless you're in love, you idiot.'

'It was Kame, apparently.'

'So he didn't stay long enough to snuggle?'

Sho looked at Nino without quite understanding.

'Jun likes to snuggle.' said Nino, nonchalantly.

'I won't even ask.'

'Oh, come on, you want to know what you missed!'

'I didn't miss anything.'

'You did pass on a unique opportunity. You know what they say about Jun.'

'No, I don't, Ninomiya, and I don't want to know, thank you very much.'

'But wasn't he meeting Akanishi?'

'There was a change of plans.'

'Really? And so Jun ended up with Kame. Interesting.'


'Well, if I were Akanishi…'

'Akanishi, thankfully, is not evil.'

'Kame is probably giving him a hard time, you know? So what would I do in his place? I'd give Kame a distraction.'

'Akanishi is not that stupid.'

The silence was ominous.

'Oh, fuck, he is that stupid. Didn't he realize that…?'

'Those two together will probably have ten fights a day? He was probably counting on it.'

'I don't think it'll end up being serious.'

'I don't know, maybe Jun has finally found his soul mate, the only other person in the world who can understand how hard it is to be pretty.'

Sho didn't laugh.

'Why so serious?'

'Well, if you are right (and only if you're right), we should better prepare.'

'Why? It's not like Jun can get worse.'

'Because Countdown? This year? It's gonna to be a bitch.'