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Five Times Hit-Girl Sent Fan Mail to Natasha Romanov

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To: BlackWidowFanMail@starkmail.com
From: therealhitgirl@hammermail.com
Subject: Hi

Dear Black Widow,

You are my favorite Avenger. I saw you on TV in front of Congress and I went on the computer to look you up. There are lots of files on you. I know people say that you used to be bad, but I am very impressed by your skill set and your kill rate. You are the best!!!!

Best wishes,
Hit-Girl

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To: BlackWidowFanMail@starkmail.com
From: therealhitgirl@hammermail.com
Subject: Hey

Dear Black Widow,

I saw you on TV again. You saved some people at a State Dinner by taking out six gunmen using a chair and pencil. Your half-pivot hook kick was AWESOME. I really liked your wheel kick too. Also, I like the purple dress you were wearing, it was cool, and the fabric really flowed when you were throwing that last asswipe out the window.

You’re my favorite superhero.

Peace out,
Hit-Girl

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To: BlackWidowFanMail@starkmail.com
From: therealhitgirl@hammermail.com
Subject: in town?

Hey,

I saw on the news that a bunch of bad guys in HYDRA were taken down right on Staten Island. Did you do that?

That’s right near where I live. Next time you’re in town, you can come see me if you’re not too busy or whatever. I can meet you wherever. I’m a superhero too, so we can meet and take down bad guys together or we go for frozen yogurt or whatever. But I know you’re like super busy so no problem if you can’t or whatever.

If you don’t believe that I’m a superhero, you can check me out on youtube. The name of the video is “Psycho Little Girl Laughs While Stabbing People,” but I am not a little girl and I am not psycho. I am 12 years old, and those people fucking had it coming. I know that you understand, because you kill bad people too.

See you maybe,
Hit-Girl

 

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To: BlackWidowFanMail@starkmail.com
From: therealhitgirl@hammermail.com
Subject: hey again

Hey, Black Widow,

I saw the profile on you in the Daily Bugle. That was total bullshit. You’re a hero, and those fuckers can fucking eat their own fucking shitballs.

I know you probably don’t care what they think. I try not to care about what people think either.

I read about how you grew up too. They said you were trained to fight since you were little. So was I. People think that’s not good, but my Dad trained me to kill and take bullets and stuff so I would be strong. He loved me a lot, so he helped me learn to fight.

It doesn’t sound like the people who trained you loved you as much as my Dad loved me. I don’t mean to be an asshole by bringing it up or anything. I just thought it was cool that you started training when you were young too. And you turned out really awesome.

Hearts,
Hit-Girl

P.S. My name is Mindy.

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To: BlackWidowFanMail@starkmail.com
From: therealhitgirl@hammermail.com
Subject: questions

Hey Black Widow,

I am doing a report on the alien invasion of New York for school. I am looking over lots and lots of footage. If you have time, do you think you could answer just a couple questions?

1) What was that glowing stick thing?

2) What do you think the best way to kill an alien is? This question is not for the report. It’s just in case they come back and you’re out of town.

BTW when you took over that flying skijet thing, it was so awesome.

Not to sound like the most fucking cheesy person in the world, but you’re really really inspiring. My dad’s friend Marcus who takes care of me now keeps trying to get me to stop being a hero, but I don’t want to. I want to be like you.

If you have any tips for me, please let me know. I am excellent at taking criticism and being held to high standards with regard to combat readiness.

Thanks a lot,
Hit-Girl

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To: therealhitgirl@hammermail.com
From: BlackWidowFanMail@starkmail.com
Subject: Hi

Dear Hit-Girl,

Sorry it’s taken me so long to respond. I’ve been travelling a lot.

I’m sorry about what happened to your dad.

I did watch that youtube video. Your knife skills are very impressive. Your wig is really cool too.

The answers to your questions are:

1) That’s classified.

2) It depends on the species, but for most, get a good sharp object or bullet in the joint between the shoulder and neck. That’ll get past the exoskeleton. Large explosions work too.

It sounds like you have a good home and someone who cares about you. I think it would be okay if you took a break. When I switched sides, I took a long break in between. Most of it was so they could do lots of psych tests on me, but I think the break did me good. I know you are probably afraid of losing your skills, but I think it’s like riding a bike. You’ll be fine if you stop for a while. And you can leave me a note if you are threatened by a bad guy. If I can’t show up, I’ll send someone.

You already have good moves, so I only have a few tips. Feel free to take them or leave them:

-You leave your left flank vulnerable when you do a roundhouse kick.
-For your tactical style, you might actually do better with a lower caliber weapon.
-Try not to kill anyone unless they are about to kill you or someone else. I know this sounds like total bullshit. It sounded like total bullshit to me too for a really long time. But blood is a hard habit to break, and it’ll be easier later if you work on it now. I know you’ve got no reason to believe me, but I think you’ll be glad someday if you do. I hope you trust me.
-Keep an eye on your footwork when you’re punching to the side.

Anyway, I might be in town in a couple of months – don’t tell anyone. Maybe we can get frozen yogurt like you said. Meanwhile, enjoy your life.

Best of luck,
Black Widow

P.S. In a few years, it is very likely that several agencies will try to recruit you. They will all tell you that they are on the right side. Don’t trust any of them unless they use the code word “Budapest.” Even then, it is totally okay if you decide to do something else instead.