Hogwarts House-Elves Housekeeping Files: vol. 1990s

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Bluestocking79, goat of abe (pokeystar), JackieJLH, Meltha, Pyjamapants, sylvanawood

Chapter Text

Prologue May 1998

No wizard or witch had ever said “I have a memory like a house-elf,” but none had ever paused to wonder why not.

And why would they? A house-elf is there to take care of a wizard's (or witch's) every need with an encyclopedic knowledge of that individual's preferences and dislikes. Regardless of an elf's ability to retain those facts. Which happened to be practically non-existent. House-elves' memory centres resemble a pea in both dimension and fact-holding capability.

So, how do they keep track of the flotsam and minutia that is every wizard's (or witch's) life?

No one really bothered to wonder until the aftermath of the Final Battle.

Until Ron Weasley tickled the pear to get a midnight snack and, in the shambles of the school's kitchens, found the closest kept secret in Hogwarts' long illustrious history.

The House-Elves' Housekeeping Files.

His first hint that the kitchens had not been exempt from the Battle was the pear portrait itself. Hanging off kilter, it wobbled on the cold stone wall when he tried to touch it, so he grasped the frame and cursed under his breath as it took him several tries to find the right spot on the pear to tickle. It never occurred to him to straighten the frame first.

The swearing became louder and more profuse when he saw the state of his home away from home, his Mecca, the once gleaming, once orderly font of sustenance he worshiped above all others, excepting his mother’s domain.

All those pies.

He slipped and slid across the floor, blueberries and treacle squishing under foot, heading for the maze of larders nested behind the far wall that he hoped beyond hope were mostly intact.

The first half dozen were unfortunately not. Shelves akimbo, walls dripping with pudding and roast beef, his eyes welled with tears as he remembered feasts savoured and meals devoured open-mouthed and fancy-free.

He passed through another doorway and curled his lip at the sight that met his eyes. It figures that the mushrooms would be just fine. Now eight rooms deep into the maze of storerooms, farther than he or George or Fred… Fred had ever been, he finally found bread. The room after that held chocolate, the scent of which nearly made him swoon. He was certain Harry and Hermione would appreciate it, considering the encounter with the Dementors.

And in the next room, there was a huge hunk of cheese.

His arms were overfull at this point, and he cast about for a basket or something to put his load in, but there was nothing at hand. Just as he was leaving the room, tracing his way back to his hungry friends, a box caught his attention. It had a hinged top, and an elaborate lock with an equally elaborate key was stuck in its mechanism. It was made of highly polished wood, teak perhaps—Hermione would know for sure—and had runes carved on its sides in bands that spanned its width. There was a brass plaque affixed to the lid that read Hogwarts House-Elves' Housekeeping Files. He held his breath and opened it up, wondering what treasures were locked away in the kitchen. He groaned.

It was full of parchment, some of it quite old-looking. If he emptied it out, filled it with the food and took it upstairs, Hermione would kill him. If he left it here, and she found out about it, and she always found out everything, she would kill him.

On the other hand, if he took it to her right away, chances were she’d kiss him again.

That was definitely worth having to haul the extra weight.

He pondered for a bit and took his jumper off, Transfiguring it into a basket to hold the food and the box. It was pretty cold in the larders, so he cast a warming charm on himself, too. Then he braced himself, hefting the basket up, and almost lost his load. The box had been terrifically heavy just a moment ago as he heaved it into the basket, but now it was featherlight. Weird. He must be really tired.

He got lost a few times on the way back to Gryffindor Tower—formerly helpful landmarks were damaged beyond recognition—so he was very grateful to hear Hermione’s shrill with worry voice lead him back to the common room where she, Harry and Ginny waited for him.

“What took you so long?” Harry got in before Hermione could draw a breath.

Ron grimaced at his mate and plunked the basket down on the floor in front of the sofa. “Wow, Ron,” he mimicked Harry perfectly. “Thanks for the food!”

Harry gave him a rueful look over the girls' heads as they emptied the basket, which Ron shrugged off. Hermione opened her beaded bag and dug out plates and a knife. She handed those to Ginny, who quickly sliced the bread and cheese while Hermione pulled out cups.

"Aguamenti!" she intoned. The cups filled with water.

Ron smacked his forehead. "Pumpkin juice!" He'd meant to grab some if he could.

"Water's okay, Ron," said Ginny. "We've all had it a lot worse."

They ate silently, the quiet somber at first, but gradually lightening to companionable as they filled their stomaches with bread, cheese and chocolate.

"You should see the kitchens—they're a right mess!" Ron exclaimed around a mouthful of chocolate. "Blueberry and treacle goo everywhere."

Harry's eyes glazed over. "Treacle?" He whimpered.

"Are the house-elves all right?" Hermione asked anxiously.

"Er... I didn't see any," Ron admitted, his ears red. "But look, I found that!" He pointed at the wooden box in the basket.

Hermione and Ginny both leaned over to look at the lid. Hermione gasped, but Ginny just shrugged.

"I thought it might be champagne."

Hermione gave her a hurt look. "But this is much better! I had no idea the house-elves kept files. It's not mentioned in Hogwarts: A History." She beamed at Ron.

Oh, yeah. Maybe even snogging. With tongue.

She opened the lid reverently, carefully easing the parchment rolls out of compartments one at a time until she had a small pyramid stacked in front of her. She peered into the box again. "This box must be Expansion-Charmed," she said in a near whisper. "It goes on forever!"

By my eightieth birthday. If I'm lucky.

She opened a few of them, frowning at what she saw. "These aren't in date order. Ab aeterno! Ad fundum!" Nothing happened.

"Was something supposed to happen?" Harry peered in the box.

Hermione rolled her eyes. "It's supposed to organize the scrolls by date, earliest first." Harry started to open his mouth. "And yes, I know it's the right spell, because I used it all the time to revise."

"Maybe the elves have it organized some other way?" Ron asked. "Like, by subject or type or... colour!"

They all looked at the uniformly yellow parchment.

"Maybe," said Harry, thinking of Dobby, "they just Summoned what they needed, and so it's not organized at all?"

"And the spell didn't work because?" Hermione looked put out with parchment on principle.

Harry frowned. "House-elf magic is pretty strong, right? It probably overrides our magic. It is their box."

Ron yawned hugely, and the others did, too. "I'm beat," he said. He stood up and stretched.

"Ronald?" Hermione looked up at him through her lashes. "Will you help me carry this up the stairs?"

Ginny snickered at her brother. He looked like a frozen troll. She led Harry up the stairs to the boy's dormitory.

"Er, yeah." He lifted the box, which felt incredibly heavy again, and followed her up the stairs to her old room. He hoped he wasn't grunting or sweating too much.

She opened her door, and he set the box down hard on the floor. The noise was deafening in the stillness.

"Oops. Sorry. Hey. The staircase didn't collapse! Why do you think—" He was babbling, she was so close. "—it didn't turn into a sli—" She grabbed his face and stood on tiptoe. "—de? Is it brok—mmphhh!"

Her lips pressed against his, and he gasped. It was even better this time. Her tongue slipped in his mouth and touched his tentatively. He groaned and lifted her off her feet, holding her closer as they kissed.

That box was pure genius.

~~~~~~~
Ab aeterno: from the beginning of time

Ad fundum: to the end (or bottom)

(source: http://www.yuni.com/library/latin.html)

author: pokeystar
beta: pyjamapants

Chapter Text

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
Staff Information Form

School Term: Spring 1996
Name: Firenze
Subject: Divination
Additional Duties: None

Location of Quarters: Ground Floor, next to Office & Classroom
Location of Office/Classroom: Ground Floor, Classroom Eleven
Best Cleaning Times: Early morning, while he is sleeping afters sunrise
Classroom Cleaning Notes: Keeps eyes on Mistletoe Trees for Nargles infestion
Office Cleaning Notes: Pile of leaves is chair, not mess to clean up
Quarters Cleaning Notes: Pile of leaves is bed, not mess to clean up; Horseyman is allergic to hay

Laundry Preferences: Not applicable
Items to treat CAREFULLY: Rocks are markers for stars and auspicious dates - do not move
Favourite Foods: Badger, Vole, Pumpkin juice
Disliked Foods: Carrots, Sugar lumps
Tea Preferences: Horseyman doesn't like tea

Typical Punishment: Sends away
Number of Punishments Administered: Five
Typical Causes for punishment: Offering carrots or sugar lumps; moving rocks
Number of Clothes Threats: None
When to Avoid: Mealtimes; during clear night skies or new moons

Additional Notes: Centaurs is really moody. If they is brooding, leaves them alone. Watch out for big rocks. You trips easy in his rooms, he moves them all the time. If you has a lot of work to do, don't ask him about the stars. Be careful around the big piles of leaves - he notices if they're not the same - he won't be able to sleep and that makes him grouchy. Scorch marks from cooking fires take two snaps, not one. He practices with bow and arrows a lot. Make sure you crack LOUD.

Updated: June 6, 1996

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author: pokeystar

Chapter Text

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
Inter-Castle Memo

Date: 3rd October 1994

To: House-elves
Cc: Albus Dumbledore
From: Rolanda Hooch
Subject: Chicken Tikka Masala

Dear House-elves,

As you know, I am very fond of your cooking, and I am hoping that your exemplary skills will be up to recreating the most fantastic dish that I encountered in Muggle Birmingham while I was on holiday there. I managed to pick up the closely-guarded recipe from the shop-keeper—after a bit of gentle persuasion—and have written it out for you. This dish is slightly spicy, and when eaten with rice, I am confident that it would be beneficial for providing Quidditch players with plenty of energy for their matches. The recipe is as follows:

Ingredients

4 skinless chicken breasts
60ml/2¼fl oz olive oil
2 medium onions, finely chopped
2 garlic cloves, finely chopped
5cm/2in piece fresh root ginger, grated
2 tsp chilli powder
1 tsp ground turmeric
1 tsp ground coriander seeds
1 tsp ground cumin
4 tbsp tomato purée
2 very ripe tomatoes, roughly chopped
100ml/3½fl oz plain full-fat yoghurt
100ml/3½fl oz double cream
½ tsp salt
½ lime, juice only
splash water or chicken stock (if necessary)
cooked basmati rice, to serve
few sprigs fresh coriander, chopped, for garnish

Method

1. Cut the chicken breasts into very thin slices and heat the oil in a large frying pan. Once the oil is smoking, add the chicken, onions and garlic and fry for 30 seconds over a fierce heat. Immediately add the ginger, chilli powder, turmeric, coriander and cumin and fry for a further minute.

2. Stir in the tomato purée and the chopped tomatoes and boil rapidly for five minutes. Allow to cool slightly.

3. Add the yoghurt and double cream. Return to a low heat, bring to a simmer and then stir in the salt and lime juice. If the curry is too thick at this stage, you can add a little water (or chicken stock) to get the correct consistency.

3. Serve the curry with cooked basmati rice and chopped coriander.

I have been told that this will serve 4 people, so the recipe will need some adjustments, which I will leave in your capable hands.

Headmaster Dumbledore,

I hope that you will give your permission for such a culinary experiment to take place at Hogwarts. It is my hope that the students will enjoy such fare, and if this proves popular among staff and students, I ask that this become a regular dish on the menu at Hogwarts.

Signed:

R. Hooch
Flying Instructor

~~~***~~~***~~~

author: kristoph

Chapter Text

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
Supply Request

Department: Headmaster's Office

Date: 21 July, 1991

Contact Elf: Peejy

Requestor: Albus Dumbledore

Supplier: Honeydukes in Hogsmeade village

Received by: Ophy

Stock# 221334

Description of item: lemon sherberts

Quantity: 20 kilograms

Stock# 145678

Description of item: pepper imps

Quantity: 10 kilograms

Stock# unknown

Description of item: That divine chocolate with the curry powder in it that Mrs. Honeyduke had me taste last week; I can't remember what the name of it was. I think it had toasted coconut as well. Whatever it's called, it was pure heaven.

Quantity: 15 kilograms

Stock# 9874

Description of item: sugar quills: assorted flavors – peppermint, raspberry, vanilla, beef, coffee, caramel, butterscotch

Quantity: 3 kilograms

Stock# 108906

Description of item: Cockroach Clusters

Qauntity: 5 kilograms

Stock# 908764

Description of item: Chocolate frogs – I still haven't found a Grindelwald card. Rupert, if I were paranoid, I'd think you were keeping it from me to keep my custom. Which is absurd, if you consider my sweet tooth.

Quantity: 30 packets

Stock# 889072

Description of item: Acid pops – Never mind what Poppy told you, the young bossy boots. They do not give me heartburn. Her fussing at me does. Lime, Chili, and Lava, if you please.

Quantity: 10 kilograms

~~~***~~~***~~~

author: pokeystar

Chapter Text

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
House-Elf Work Order

Date: 25 August, 1997

Time: 11:23 p.m.

Reporting Professor Name: Argus Filch

Location House-elf Needed: my office to pick up items, dungeons next

Action Required: shackle service

Magic Used, if Any: no magic allowed at all

Student(s) Involved: none yet, but plenty expected over the year

Additional Comments: New esteemed professors will join staff at Hogwarts. Good old times and true punishments will return with them.

House-Elves will prepare things the professors need and keep them in good condition over the year. Clean all shackles, clamps, whips and knives. Polish metals. Fix and grease joints. Lubricate leather strips.

Special attention: Ceiling in the dungeon needs refurbishment. Heavy weight will hang from the hooks. Tighten all screws.

House-elf or Elves Assigned: Neity

Time Completed: 4:58 next day

~~~***~~~***~~~

author: nata

Chapter Text

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
Inter-Castle Memo

Date: 29 November 1992

To: Rolanda Hooch

From: Albus Dumbledore

Subject: Bludger Incident & Insurance

Madam Hooch,

I've approved your requisition form. I'm told that you should receive the new Quidditch set via owl delivery within two business days, though if I remember correctly, our last order to Quality Quidditch ran a few days late, so I wouldn't advise recommencing the practice schedules until next week.

Hogwarts' property insurance already includes a Harry Potter clause, actually—after the incident last year, Professor McGonagall managed to convince me that it would only be prudent to have one added—but I will take into consideration requesting additional coverage for Bludgers as well. They have been rather troublesome things as of late, haven't they?

There's also an ongoing discussion about adding a Weasley clause—between just Fred and George Weasley alone, it'd probably be cost effective, and young Ron seems to have inherited his brothers' talent for getting into trouble, even if his is usually more to do with intense loyalty and bravery than actual mischief. I would like you to put together a risk assessment for having them on the Quidditch team again this year, preferably in time for next month's staff meeting, if possible, so Minerva can have it for her appointment with the insurance adjuster the next day—they're still arguing over the coverage for the girls' toilets the troll destroyed last year, so it's probably best to start the process for this request as soon as possible.

Thank you,

Signed:

Albus Dumbledore
Headmaster, Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry

~~~***~~~***~~~

author: JackieJLH

Chapter Text

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
Staff Meeting Agenda/Minutes

Meeting: 23rd September 1995
10:00 am to 11:00 am
Kitchens
Facilitator - Head Elf Jammy

What (agenda Item): Woolly hats
Who (which elf added it/presenting): Neity
How*: I-A
Action Taken (minutes notes): Neity says Badly Knitted hatses is being left hiding in Gryffindor common room, and is being founded by elveses. Fifty two has been found so far, and new ones is appearing daily. Ophy wants to burn them but Ady is saying she's a bad elf and is ironing handses. Instead we shoulds use magic to levytate them and then cleans up meses, leaving knitted hates in a pile.Ophy says leave them in a pile on top of the fire to burn. Dobby has volunteered to cleans room from now on.

What (agenda Item): Butterbeer
Who (which elf added it/presenting): Peejy
How*: D/P
Action Taken (minutes notes): Peejy wants to restrict amounts of butterbeer in kitchens, because Winky is drinking it all. Ady says that Winky not be give password to store. Dobby shakes his head and says that she might be a tricksy elf and gets password anyway. Voxy wonders why we dont's ward for the store, so if Winky goes near it, alarmses will goes off. Elvses has voted for alarm idea, so anti-Winky wards is being installed by Peejy, because she is good with wards. We is hoping that Winky is staying sober more often now.

What (agenda Item): Diggy shrine
Who (which elf added it/presenting): Voxy
How*: I-A
Action Taken (minutes notes): Voxy is remindsing us that Huffpuffs has a Diggy shrine in their common room, ands to keeps the golden egg shiny buts not open it (because it hurts ears), and to keeps the framed picture of Diggy polished with magic not wax, because hes allergic to bees. Voxy says to replace flowers every Friday and Tuesday, or theys start to smell funny.

What (agenda Item): School Broomstickses
Who (which elf added it/presenting): Ophy
How*: I-A
Action Taken (minutes notes): Opys says that there is being a woodworm infestations in the second broomstick shed on the right by the statue of St. Bartoke the Ugly. Woodwormses is eating brromsticks and they is unsafes. Shed needs to be fumigated and broomsticks replaced. Melthy has been asked to do this, and to put signs on door, so peoples know nots to use it.

*How code A -Action Item D/P -Discussion/Planning
I-A Information - Announcement I-H -Information – Handout

~~~***~~~***~~~

author: kristoph

Chapter Text

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
Staff Information Form

School Term: 1992 – 1993

Name: Rolanda Hooch

Subject: Flight Instructor

Additional Duties: Quidditch Referee

Location of Quarters: None

Location of Office/Classroom: Office, Locker Rooms, Quidditch Pitch

Best Cleaning Times: We is to be cleaning the office only when she is not listening to the Arrows game on the talky-box. Madam Hooch is being very angry when the Arrows is not playing well, and tries to dance with house-elves when Arrows is being good at playing. Should see attached Quidditch game and practice schedules before we is entering Pitch or locker rooms. Especially locker rooms!

Classroom Cleaning Notes: Stands and ground should be cleared of leaves and/or snow before all Quidditch games and practices, and again cleared of debris, confetti, etc. following games. We is to be staying off the field during games; very dangerous.

Office Cleaning Notes: Extra house-elves is needed after Quidditch games, especially on days when it is raining. Madam Hooch is requesting additional wards to keep out all students when she is off Hogwarts grounds.

Quarters Cleaning Notes: Madam Hooch is not living at Hogwarts.

Laundry Preferences: Quidditch robes have water-repelling charm. We is to be removing this before washing.

Items to treat CAREFULLY: VERY IMPORTANT: Fiddly and Peppy warns to not open large case stored underneath the desk in Madam Hooch's office. ESPECIALLY if it moves. Please to not be opening it.

Favourite Foods: Sugar quills, kept in a tin in the bottom drawer of Madam Hooch's desk. Meals not being taken at Hogwarts.

Disliked Foods: Madam Hooch is not liking bacon.

Tea Preferences: No creams and sugars. Madam Hooch is liking her tea plain.

Typical Punishment: Yelling and sending away

Number of Punishments Administered: 6

Typical causes for punishment: Madam Hooch is not liking to be bothered when she is listening to Quidditch games on the talky-box. Madam Hooch becomes very angry if elves is opening the box under her desk. Balls in box become very angry too.

Number of Clothes Threats: 1

When to Avoid: Directly before or after Quidditch games. Madam Hooch becomes very excited about Quidditch.

Additional Notes: Madam Hooch requests that elves is cleaning locker rooms five times a day now. Is to be watching for red-haired Gryffindor girl too. She was hiding in the locker room by herselfs. Madam Hooch is worrying she be causing trouble, because all Weasleys is usually troublemakers. Madam Hooch is requesting all elves be staying away from Quidditch equipment.

Updated: 29 September, 1992

~~~***~~~***~~~

author: JackieJLH

Chapter Text

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
Supply Request

Department: Care of Magical Creatures Office
Date: 30 August 1991
Contact Elf: Woody
Requestor: Professor Kettleburn

Received by: Blinksy

Stock# 234157
Description of item: Fresh halibut fillet.
Quantity: 50 kg
Elf note: Iz the yearly supply to get Giant Squid in a good mood.

Stock# 234158
Description of item: Red meat (beef, venison, pork), raw.
Quantity: 150 kg
Elf note: Must be very fresh, else Thestralses will bites the students.

Stock# 23100
Description of item: Ice, crushed
Quantity: 50 kg
Elf note: Iz better delivered in 1 kg packages. Professor needses ice crushed for keeping of lost limbs fresh, just in case.

~~~***~~~***~~~

author: sylvanawood

Chapter Text

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
Inter-Castle Memo

Date: 14 November, 1993
To: House-elves
From: Headmaster Dumbledore
Subject: By Pass Key Change

My friends,

Two days ago, Professor Trelawney discovered that some of her belongings had been removed from her personal quarters. Furthermore, most of them had been replaced with creative substitutes. The characters of the substitute items led us (Blinksey, Trelawney and me) to believe that the usual culprits have once again discovered the by-pass key to the teacher's quarters wards. Therefore, effective at midnight this evening, the new by-pass key will be “Incorrigible.”

Blinksey has also asked that this event, and the culprits involved be placed on the next House-Elf meeting agenda, in the hopes that your combined brainpower can come up with a way to, if not “stop ginger mischief,” then slow it down a bit. I heartily wish you luck with that, and if I or the teaching staff can help in any way, please let me know.

Signed:

Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore
Headmaster, Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry

~~~***~~~***~~~

author: pokeystar

Chapter Text

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
House Elf Work Order

Date: 12 September 1992

Time: 16:34:00

Reporting Professor Name: Rolanda Hooch

Location House-elf Needed: Madam Hooch's office.

Action Required: Repair of 87cracks in walls, ceiling and floors due to escaped Bludger. Replacement or repair of all furniture. Replacement of Madam Hooch's reading glasses. Replacement of doors to all offices. Reenforcement of wards on new door. Repair of 210 cracks in walls, ceiling and floor of adjoining hallway. Repair of three suits of armor. Repair of portrait of Kennelworthy Whisp. Replacement of south-facing window. Clearing of general debris including broken glass, clearing of broken furniture. Recapture of rogue Bludger, last seen in Forbidden Forest. May need to enlist Hagrid's help.

Magic Used, if Any: None

Student(s) Involved: None

Additional Comments: Do not dust, move, or even touch box beneath what is left of the desk.

House-elf or Elves Assigned: Crooky, Batty, Neemie

Time Completed: 21:17:00

~~~***~~~***~~~

author: JackieJLH

Chapter Text

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
Staff Meeting Agenda/Minutes

Meeting: 15 November 1991
10:00 am to 11:00 am
Kitchens
Facilitator - Head Elf Jammy

What (agenda Item): Professor Quirrell's turban
Who (which elf added it/presenting): Melthy
How*: D/P
Action Taken (minutes notes): We is discussing the problem of Prof. Quirell's hat, which is to be smelling most badly. This is suggesting to humans that elves are not doing their job of keeping things clean. Is most distressing and a sore point for elf pride. We is asking Prof. Quirrell for his hat, but he is turning odd shade of pink and refusing us. We is thinking one of us elves needs to sneak in his room when it is off and clean it before it becomes most stinkier.

What (agenda Item): Fluffy's dinnertime
Who (which elf added it/presenting): Ophy
How*: I-A
Action Taken (minutes notes): Fluffy is having difficulties with eating. Instead of him eating nice ground tripe, he is trying to eats the house-elf bringing it to him. We is thinking is better to Apparate food to Fluffy. Mister Hagrid's suggestion that Fluffy is lonely and needs company while eating for to be happy does not appear to have grounding in reality. In short, we is getting out of there with our ears still attached. Best not tell Hagrid. Would make him unhappy.

What (agenda Item): Snorkack Infestation in third floor broom cupboard
Who (which elf added it/presenting): Blinksey
How*: A
Action Taken (minutes notes): Is most huge number of Snorkacks in cupboard. One is to be biting Blinksey when she went in to get a mop to clean up after Miss Myrtle's latest mess. We must be bringing empty Butterbeer bottles into closet; smell will make their horns itchy and they is leaving then. Best do fast before they is eating the last of the floor polish.

What (agenda Item): Christmas Tree Decorations
Who (which elf added it/presenting): Ady
How*: D/P
Action Taken (minutes notes): Mr. Filch is wanting to ban Christmas trees this season as they is dropping needles, making him sneeze, and oozing sap onto floors. We is not happy with suggestion and Headmaster Dumbledore says to ignore Mr. Filch who, he says, is being "a bit of a Scrooge." We is to be enchanting trees not to ooze or shed this year; be cautious Weasley twins is not nearby or else we may be needing to deal with trees that is oozing and dripping worse than usual instead

What (agenda Item): Morning Porridge
Who (which elf added it/presenting): Beffey
How*: A
Action Taken (minutes notes): Mr. Draco Malfoy is to be complaining that his morning porridge is being "flavorless, disgustingly cold, possesses the consistency of wallpaper paste, and is otherwise generally unfit for pureblood wizarding deglution" for last three days. We is running to dictionary and is realizing that this is being bad. We has resolved all of us is to taste test Mr. Malfoy's porridge each morning, but we is suspecting sabotage from Gryffindors. Perhaps armed guard around porridge pot necessary?

*How code A -Action Item D/P -Discussion/Planning
I-A Information - Announcement I-H -Information – Handout

~~~***~~~***~~~

author: Meltha

Chapter Text

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
Staff Information Form

School Term: Autumn 1991

Name: Severus Snape

Subject: Potions

Additional Duties: Head of Slytherin House, brewing potions for infirmary,

harvesting Potions ingredients

Location of Quarters: Dungeon, behind portrait of Boris the Bloody-Minded

Location of Office/Classroom: Dungeon Four

Best Cleaning Times: During mealtimes, when he is in the Great Hall, or late night while he is making rounds

Classroom Cleaning Notes: Always use gloves; no touching Potions spills with bare fingers! (Professor Snape is yelling if you forgets your gloves, but gives you Burn Paste if you is needing it.)

Office Cleaning Notes: Keep specimen jars dusted and polished, and refill red ink as necessary. Fire must be kept burning in winter.

Quarters Cleaning Notes: Watch out for book piles on the floor. Keep bookshelves dusted, but don't rearrange.

Laundry Preferences: Stain Resist and Fireproofing Charms on all clothes and Billowing Charm on teaching robes. Keep white clothes and black clothes SEPARATE.

(Professor Snape is getting very angry when his white pants is coming back grey.)

All Potions ingredients is not to be touched without Professor Snape's permission.

Favourite Foods: Roast beef, Yorkshire pudding, Sticky Toffee Pudding, Elf-Made red wine.

Disliked Foods: Cabbage, beans on toast, pumpkin juice

Tea Preferences: Lapsang Souchong, no milk or sugar

Typical Punishment: Shouting, throwing jars of cockroaches, telling elves to get out.

Number of Punishments Administered: 1234

Typical causes for punishment: Touching Potions ingredients without gloves, losing his page in his books, washing black and white clothes together, cleaning too loud when Professor Snape has a headache.

Number of Clothes Threats: 752 (But he is never actually giving them.)

When to Avoid: Early morning, after classes, before he is drinking his tea, after he is talking to the Headmaster or Professor Trelawney.

Additional Notes: Professor Snape is especially hating Halloween, so elves is not to bother him then.

Updated: 15 August, 1991

~~~***~~~***~~~

author: bluestocking

Chapter Text

Interlude July 1998

Hermione slipped into her room, exhaustion permeating even the marrow in her bones. It had been a difficult couple of months since the Final Battle, but the Hogwarts rebuilding team's hard work had much to show for it.

The Castle's basic structure was completed, as were the Great Hall and many of the classrooms. Only the kitchens, the library—just some shelving repair and thorough organization needed there; protective spells had prevented damage to the tomes themselves—and the Headma-mistress's office needed to be done before the school could open again in September.

She crossed the room and collapsed onto her bed. Between long hours improving her construction and basic labour charms and Ron's insistent snogging, she hadn't had much time to herself since the Battle. Since Bill and Fleur's wedding at the Burrow last year, actually.

Thank Merlin George needs Ron to help at the shop now that he's decided to re-open in Diagon Alley.

Her eyes slid to look at the small carved chest resting on her desk and she flinched guiltily. She shouldn't be glad that her boyfriend was leaving. And she shouldn't have been rifling through the house-elves' chest without permission, no matter how exciting the discovery had been.

It was odd that reading about Mistress Hooch's request for Chicken Tiki Masala—one of her favourite meals—or the house-elves' opinion of her hats had just made her smile or wince, but that her conscience had only kicked in as she read Professor Snape's scroll. It was as if she was in the Potions classroom again, with him looming over her, sneering at the invasion of his privacy. Bloody interfering Know-It-All, he said scathingly in her head. I thought you some regard for house-elf rights.

She had cringed and dropped the scroll back into the box, not even glancing at it since. Even though her fingers and mind buzzed with an itch at the thought of exploring its secrets.

It was odder still that she had seen very few elves about while she was working... She frowned in thought. If only Dobby were here, alive. She swallowed a half-sob. As soon as the Battle was over, Kreacher had gone back to Grimmauld. Harry and Ron would both live there come September, when they started Auror training at the London-based Academy. By then, Lee Jordan would be fully recuperated and ready to partner George at the joke shop. Hermione was ashamed to admit, even to herself, that she didn't know any of the other elves well enough to feel comfortable asking them permission. Except.

She bit her lip and sat up. “Winky?” she murmured tentatively.

There was a small pop. “Yes, Miss?” Winky asked, standing before her in a neat, crisp tea towel featuring the Hogwarts crest.

“Hello. How are you?” Hermione replied uncertainly. She wondered what she should say—how she could ask—

Winky's head tilted and her eyes narrowed a bit. “Winky is being fine, Miss. We elves is knowing the files are here.”

“Oh!” Her cheeks heated as they flushed. “Um, do you think it would be all right if I read them?” Gah! She was beginning to sound like Ron.

“Elves is having voted. We is thinking Miss will be knowing elves and our ways better if Miss is reading files. You is being allowed. We is taking box if we's need it and popping it back.”

Hermione smiled wryly. “I've already learned I need to improve my knitting skills.”

Winky's ears wiggled. “Only hats for wizards. Not elves. Promise?”

“I promise.” She sighed.

She would find another way to help the elves. The next time, with their cooperation. Hopefully the files would—as the elves determined—aid her in understanding them first.

~~~***~~~***~~~

author: pokeystar

beta-ed by Bluestocking (((hugs)))

Chapter Text

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
Inter-Castle Memo

Date: 28 November 1992
To: Albus Dumbledore
From: Rolanda Hooch
Subject: Rogue Bludger

Headmaster,

Professors McGonagall, Snape, Flitwick and I have tested the rogue Bludger extensively and cannot find any evidence that it was tampered with using any known spells. While it is possible that a previously unknown spell was used, we have not found evidence that any wizard or witch, with the exception of myself, was in contact with the Bludger prior to the start of its odd behavior. It appears that it may have developed a defect, possibly owing to its escape and subsequent four days in the Forest at the beginning of term. I have submitted a requisition form for a new set of Quidditch balls, to be expedited so that practices can resume.

On a related note, perhaps Hogwarts should consider increasing its insurance coverage to cover property damage due to rogue Bludgers and/or Harry Potter.

Regards,

Rolanda Hooch

~~~***~~~***~~~

author: JackieJLH

Chapter Text

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
Supply Request

Department: Potions
Date: 31st January 1996
Contact Elf: Sennar
Requestor: Severus Snape, Master of Potions

Vendor/Supplier: Slug & Jiggers Apothecary; The Three Broomsticks
Received by: Dahler

Stock# 937210
Description of item: Powdered Moonstone
Quantity: 200g

Stock# 827461
Description of item: Dragon Liver
Quantity: 30g

Stock# 357295
Description of item: Essence of Murtlap - URGENT
Quantity: 5l

Stock# 954627
Description of item: Lacewing Flies
Quantity: 300

Stock# 385629
Description of item: Leech Juice
Quantity: 1l

Stock# 492761
Description of item: Stewed Troll Bogies
Quantity: 1 bottle

Stock# 987633
Description of item: Knotgrass
Quantity: 50g

Stock# 136924
Description of item: Salamander Blood - Temperature sensitive; to be kept under 10 degrees Celcius at all times.
Quantity: 4 phials

Stock# 908372
Description of item: Crushed Scarab
Quantity: 2 jars

Stock# 847204
Description of item: Tubeworms
Quantity: 1kg

Stock# 493629
Description of item: Jobberknoll Feathers
Quantity: 40

Stock# 837673
Description of item: Glumbumble Fluid - Degenerates in sunlight.
Quantity: 5x 500ml jars

Stock# 439021
Description of item: Ogden's Old Firewhisky - To be delivered straight to personal rooms
Quantity: 2 bottles

~~~***~~~***~~~

author: kristoph

Chapter Text

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
House Elf Work Order

Date: 1st July 1991

Time: Early morning

Reporting Professor Name: Pomona Sprout

Location House-elf Needed: Greenhouses One to Five

Action Required: Getting the greenhouses ready for summer, following plans for watering, airing, shading of plants. Preparing pots for seeds.

Magic Used, if Any: Levitation charms are to be used with care. The plants must not be shaken too much. Watering with Aguamenti or related spells is not acceptable.

Student(s) Involved: None.

Additional Comments: Keep away from Devil's Snare and Venomous Tentacula. They are both dormant during summer.

House-elf or Elves Assigned: Woody, Pernie, Pokey, Gooner

Time Completed: By late August when Professor Sprout returns from her vacation.

~~~***~~~***~~~

author: sylvanawood

Chapter Text

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
Staff Information Form

School Term: 1997-1998

Name: Amycus Carrow

Subject: Defense Against the Dark Arts

Additional Duties: Student Discipline

Location of Quarters: Behind Elisabeth Burke’s portrait in the west wing of dungeons. Passwords about bestest Slytherins – ask Sennar for updated list

Location of Office/Classroom: 3rd floor

Best Cleaning Times: Around midnight for classroom, morning classes for quarters, office hours for office

Classroom Cleaning Notes: Blood crusts must be removed quick after detentions – Bluey hands out Blood-Stain Removal Potion, ask Pokey for vomit removal tips for each dinner colour

Office Cleaning Notes: Warm-up needed before entry, cleaning while running between hexes

Quarters Cleaning Notes: Avoid cleaning at teatime on Thursdays at all costs. Prof. Alecto Carrow visiting. Hex cross-fire impossible to avoid

Laundry Preferences: Triple amount of softener

Items to treat CAREFULLY: Set of robes like Headmaster Snape’s, matching mask – never touch!

Favourite Foods: steak tartare

Disliked Foods: greens

Tea Preferences: cinnamon, five lumps of sugar dissolved beforehand

Typical Punishment: hanging by ears from Mr. Housekeeper’s shackles

Number of Punishments Administered: 38

Typical causes for punishment: laundry not soft, sugar in tea not dissolved

Number of Clothes Threats: 2

When to Avoid: Monday mornings

Additional Notes: Stay quiet when hexed, run faster

Updated: 23 October, 1997

~~~***~~~***~~~

author: nata

Chapter Text

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
Inter-Castle Memo

Date: 20 May 1993
To: Headmaster Dumbledore
From: Blinksey
Subject: Snakey in Chamber

Headmaster,

We elves is worried. We knows students won't knows to be getting into Chamber and Harry Potter is only student to be speaking Snakey Language. But students is always finding ways into places they shouldn't be goings—for snoggingses and fightings and meetings to be secret. So we is to be worried about the really big Snakey downs there. We knows it's to be dead now, but its fangs are still sharp and has stinging killies.

Are you sure, Headmaster, you don't wants us to be cleaning up the big dead Snakey monster? We elves is brave enough and the students is to be going soon. Bluey is thinking it should takes two suns to be taking it out of Hogwarts and burning it up, if all elves is helping.

Signed

Blinksey
Head elf of Wards

~~~***~~~***~~~

author: pokeystar

Chapter Text

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
Supply Request

Department: Defense Against the Dark Arts
Date: 12 December 1994
Contact Elf: Melthy
Requestor: Professor Moody

Vendor/Supplier: Various (see item descriptions); Castle storeroom
Received by: Crooky

Stock# 489-7522-6
Description of item: Is wanting spiders, large ones, alive, but not so big as creepy Aragog thing in woods
Quantity: Says three (3) is enough; we is thinking is more than enough

Description of item: Bottle of Perriweather's Magic Lubricating Oil; says eyeball is sticking
Quantity: One (1)

Description of item: Chalk for writing on blackboard; is going through much of it as is throwing it at students who is talking
Quantity: Three (3) boxes; prefers yellow

Description of item: Copy of Magical Waterplants of the Mediterranean; is to be found at Flourish & Blotts in Diagon Alley
Quantity: One (1)

Description of item: Dress shoe for Yule Ball; is wanting in size 10.5, wide, black, prefers wingtips
Quantity: One (1); Please to be noting wants one shoe, not one pair

Description of item: Pepper Imps from Honeyduke's, wrapped for Christmas, to be given as gift to Headmaster
Quantity: One (1) box

Description of item: Rope, extra strong, for to be binding bad creatures
Quantity: Seven (7) coils, 40 feet long; is needing this each month, but we is not knowing what is being used for; best not ask

~~~***~~~***~~~

author: Meltha

Chapter Text

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
Staff Information Form

School Term: 1997-98

Name: Alecto Carrow

Subject: Muggle Studies

Additional Duties: Student discipline

Location of Quarters: Dungeons, next to the screaming room

Location of Office/Classroom: 2nd floor

Best Cleaning Times: Class time, not viable because Mistress requires hex hunt

Classroom Cleaning Notes: Bring extra Blood-Removal on days when seventh years Gryffindor have Muggle Studies

Office Cleaning Notes: Remove all non-magical things as soon as they appear

Quarters Cleaning Notes: Hex hunt. Must clean quarters only when Mistress calls. She practices dueling on cleaning elves. Must run fast. Ask Neity for safety tips. No, she is often off work for injuries. Ask Fae.

Laundry Preferences: Polish belt buckles and buttons

Items to treat CAREFULLY: The robe and mask like Master Headmaster Snape's

Favourite Foods: Chocolate

Disliked Foods: Greens

Tea Preferences: Wine only

Typical Punishment: Pulling eyelashes (Really. Punishments are a relief after hex hunt.)

Number of Punishments Administered: 46

Typical causes for punishment: Cleaning when not requested for a hex hunt

Number of Clothes Threats: 7

When to Avoid: Always

Additional Notes: Cleaning equipment: Blood-Removal, Vomit-Removal, Urine-Removal, running shoes

Updated: 3 January, 1998

~~~***~~~***~~~

author: nata

Chapter Text

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
Inter-Castle Memo

Date: 27 December, 1991
To: House-elves
From: Irma Pince, Librarian, Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry
Subject: Nighttime Intruders

Elves,

Mr. Argus Filch, Caretaker of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, recently brought to my attention that certain students have been getting out of bed after hours and trespassing in the library, specifically in the Restricted Section. As this is quite obviously completely unacceptable behaviour, I have placed additional wards around the library and the Restricted Section. Should you discover any additional evidence of rule breaking in the library it is vital that such incidents be reported immediately to me. While the wards have been set to alert me to rule breaking, the determined shenaniganism of certain students will require utmost vigilance on the part of all castle inhabitants.

Additionally, as part of aforementioned rule breaking, a lantern was brought into the library and subsequently dropped. Needless to say, this could have been disastrous for both the castle and the school's irreplaceable book collection. Fire detection wards have also been placed on the library. Should a student dare generate fire or bring flame into the library they will immediately be trapped by strong wards. You should not release students for any reason, regardless of what they may say. Only the headmaster or I am to discipline students regarding this matter. Any elf found to be in violation of this new policy will be severely punished.

Signed

Irma Pince, Librarian,
Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry

~~~***~~~***~~~

author: slytherinlaurel

Chapter Text

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
Staff Meeting Agenda/Minutes

Meeting: 19 November, 1993
10:00 am to 11:00 am
Kitchens
Facilitator - Head Elf Jammy

What (agenda Item): Ear rotty
Who (which elf added it/presenting): Bluey
How*: I-A
Action Taken (minutes notes): Bluey is giving all elves vaccine charms for the ear rotty. Peppy came down with it; is why she's not at meeting. Bluey is reminding elves ear rotty is contagious, so we is to be washing hands before making food.

What (agenda Item): Safety
Who (which elf added it/presenting): Ady
How*: I-A
Action Taken (minutes notes): Ady is reminding us to use us'es determination to finds the staircases we needs to be ons.

One of uses house-elfs almost had a bad accident last week nots paying attention. He was looking at his new sockses.

What (agenda Item): Weasley Twins
Who (which elf added it/presenting): Blinksey
How*: D/P
Action Taken (minutes notes): Blinksey is to be trying to guides the discussions, but elfses are to be talkings all at once.

Neity says theys should be homeschooled. Blinksey thinks theys should be hanging by theirs thumbs Dobby says Blinksey is being around Filch too much Pokey is suggesting wes take that maps away

Bluey says theys gave it to Harry Potter

We alls thinks hard

Melthy says Blinksey should change wards with Dumbledore to detect mischief and puts elf in charge of catching thems

Blinksey is asking for volunteer. No one wants to be catching elf.

Dobby says Peppy should do it. Peppy doesn't object.

Peppy is to be voted the catching elf.

What (agenda Item): Peeves
Who (which elf added it/presenting): Peejy
How*: A
Action Taken (minutes notes): Peejy says Peeves is to be active agains.

Woody volunteers to be talking to Professor Snape abouts asking Blood Baron to watch hims closer.

Other elfs wants to be talking to Professor Snape

Peejy says Woody wases firsts.

Meeting is dismissed.

*How code: A -Action Item D/P -Discussion/Planning
I-A Information - Announcement I-H -Information – Handout

~~~***~~~***~~~

author: pokeystar

Chapter Text

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
Inter-Castle Memo

Date: 26 August, 1997
To: House-Elves, special notice: Neity
From: Headmaster
Subject: Mr. Filch's cleaning request.

Hogwarts’ House-Elves are reminded to heed instruction of staff and fulfill duties assigned to them by said staff without reservation. The decisions about validity of such duties are to be strictly left for consideration of staff. House-Elves are further prohibited from abusing their knowledge of wizards’ locations by disturbing them with trivial and redundant midnight memos.

This memo is to be considered an order of the same magnitude as the privacy statement. House-Elves are thus prohibited from mentioning or referring to it and the incident that preceded it.

Punishment for questioning authority will be cleaning second-floor girls' lavatory and keeping it flood-free for a week with the ghost in residence.

Signed

Severus Snape
Headmaster, Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry

~~~***~~~***~~~

author: nata

Chapter Text

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
Staff Information Form

School Term: Winter 1993
Name: Severus Snape
Subject: Potions
Additional Duties: Head of Slytherin House, Duelling Club Assistant, brewing potions for infirmary, harvesting Potions ingredients, healing curses
Location of Quarters: Dungeon, behind portrait of Boris the Bloody-Minded
Location of Office/Classroom: Dungeon Four

Best Cleaning Times: During mealtimes, when he is in the Great Hall, or late night while he is making rounds. (Note: he is staying later in his Potions lab this year.)

Classroom Cleaning Notes: Always use gloves; no touching Potions spills with bare fingers!

Office Cleaning Notes: Keep specimen jars dusted and polished, and refill red ink weekly. Fire must be kept burning in winter. NEW FOR THIS YEAR: Unless Professor Snape is requesting elves to help, we is not to enter or clean his lab. He is brewing Potions for the Hospital Wing, and he is not wanting his progress disturbed.

Quarters Cleaning Notes: Watch out for book piles on the floor. Keep bookshelves dusted, but don't rearrange.

Items to treat CAREFULLY: All books must be left as they is! Professor Snape is having a system for his bookshelves and piles, and he is not liking it when they is disturbed. (Ask Bluey and Voxy; they is understanding the system.) All Potions ingredients is not to be touched without Professor Snape's permission. Do not touch any cauldron that is containing Potions in progress!

Favourite Foods: Roast beef, Yorkshire pudding, sticky toffee pudding, Elf-made red wine.

Disliked Foods: Cabbage, beans on toast, pumpkin juice

Tea Preferences: Lapsang Souchong, no milk or sugar

Typical Punishment: Shouting, threatening to put elves in specimen jars, telling elves to get out.
Number of Punishments Administered: 1406

Typical causes for punishment: Mentioning Harry Potter, touching Potions ingredients without gloves, losing his page in his books, washing black and white clothes together, cleaning too loud when Professor Snape has a headache.

Number of Clothes Threats: 796 (But he is still not giving them.)

When to Avoid: Early morning, after classes, before he is drinking his tea, after he is talking to the Headmaster or Professor Trelawney or Professor Lockhart. Especially after he is talking to Professor Lockhart. Also after he is teaching classes with Harry Potter in them.

Additional Notes: Professor Snape is working very long hours in his lab to brew potions for Miss Granger's hairy face and the students who is Petrified, so he is sometimes missing meals. Woody is deciding that elves should bring a meal to his office or quarters when this is happening.

Updated: 16 January, 1993

~~~***~~~***~~~

author: bluestocking

Chapter Text

15 September, 1998

Dear Hermione,

We've started training at the Academy. It's really tough—especially the stealth and endurance drills. Me and Harry are dead tired every night. It's like camping, but with better food and less terror. Not that I didn't like your food. You did the best you could with what you had. And I'm sure you'll get better at cooking eventually. Next week we start survival and first-aid skills. Wish they had taught those at good ol' Hoggy. Speaking of, how's everyone? Neville wrote and said Malfoy is back at school too—he isn't bugging you, is he? You're not studying too much, are you? Ginny told Harry you practically live in the library. Try revising by the lake sometimes, will you? I can't wait to see—snog—you at Christmas. Maybe more? I think about you every night, us being together.

~Ron

Hermione put the letter down with a heavy sigh. Ron's letters since July had become increasingly hinty, making her uneasy. And being uneasy made her even more uneasy. It was clear to her that Harry and Ginny had been intimate, and Ginny reveled in it, missing Harry desperately. The calendar above her desk featured big red X's crossing off the days until Christmas hols, when they would be reunited.

Hermione's calendar featured large red X's too—that tracked the days until N.E.W.T.s. Ron's letters never caused her heart to go pitter-pat and to be perfectly honest, his snogging didn't either. Maybe Harry was just better at it? Both snogging and letter writing. She'd have to remember to ask Ginny.

As for Malfoy, well, he was a shadow of his former self. Literally. He was quiet and withdrawn; never strutting about or bragging. He nodded at her if they passed in the halls, and that was it. He and Goyle spent as much time in the library as she did. She suspected Malfoy was helping his slower friend to complete his homework. Occasionally, he would look up and catch her watching, his eyes filling with pain and regret before he turned away. They were all changed and changing because of the War.

She glanced at the rune-carved chest. Some of them more than others. Her biggest regret was not being able to save Professor Snape. He'd done so much for them all, especially Harry, and they'd misjudged him terribly in the end. Even if he had been evil, he'd not deserved to die the way he had. These days, the only time she went to Madam Pomfrey for Dreamless Sleep was when she had nightmares involving her last memories of the Shrieking Shack.

Hermione was jolted from her reverie when Ginny entered their room, clutching a parchment scroll to her chest. She crossed the room, and flung herself down on her bed, opening the scroll and devouring what was written on it with eager eyes. When she finished, she rolled onto her back and sighed dramatically.

“Ninety-six days to go!” she wailed.

Hermione got up from her desk and nudged her melancholy friend over. “Good letter?” she asked.

Ginny nodded wordlessly.

“Is Harry a good kisser, Gin?” Hermione murmured.

“The best.” Ginny emphasized her answer with another nod. “They make my toes curl.”

“Oh.” Hermione started to stand, but Ginny stopped her with a hand on her wrist.

“No toe curls?” she asked gently, tugging her down again.

“No,” Hermione replied, staring at the bed curtains.

“Me neither, with Michael,” said Ginny, twirling her hair with a finger. “At first, I thought we just need practice. But they didn't curl with Dean either.”

“Hum,” Hermione murmured absently.

Ginny nudged her with her knee to get her full attention. “I realized you can't have that magic with just anybody.”

“I thought Ron wasn't just anybody,” she replied, getting up from Ginny's bed to sit at her desk.

“He isn't just anybody,” Ginny stated firmly. “But best friend doesn't necessarily mean boyfriend.”

Hermione shrugged. “Part of me wants everything settled. The sooner my life moves on, the sooner I can forget the War.”

In her mind's eye, she saw Professor Snape lying on that horrible, dusty floor in a pool of his own blood. Why hadn't she done anything for him? Despite his obvious disgust of her, he'd fixed her Polyjuice disaster and de-Petrified her as well.

“I don't think it works that way,” said Ginny, concern making her sit up to face her guilt-stricken friend. What was running through that brilliant yet stubborn head of hers?

“I know.” Hermione sighed. “And there is so much more I want to do besides that. I'm not really ready for a committed relationship.”

She absentmindedly opened the file box and chose a scroll at random. Winter 1993. Professor Snape's Information Form. What would he have to say about hasty decisions? About settling instead of striving? She smiled ruefully to herself. Something cutting and precisely to the point, she'd wager.

She wished very much that he was there to say it to her.

~~~***~~~***~~~

author: pokeystar
beta: bluestocking

Chapter Text

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
Inter-Castle Memo

Date: 24 May, 1990
To: House-elf staff
From: Professor Quirinius Quirrell
Subject: Upcoming Summer Holiday

As you are aware, I will soon be leaving for my trip to Africa, eastern Russia, and Albania, researching the Dark Arts due to my recent appointment as DADA professor and attempting to get more first-hand experience in the field prior to assuming my new duties in the autumn of 1991. I respectfully request that any mail I might receive, particularly the new texts for the class, be forwarded to the Wizarding International Embassy in Pequin, the county of Elbasan, in Albania until early August of 1991, when I intend to return.

There may be a lag between sending and response as I expect to be in very isolated areas and any large packages sent via owl would most likely not reach me without incident. Should my successor in Muggle Studies, Professor Burbage, have any questions for me, they may have to wait until my return. Until then, I remain respectfully yours.

Signed

Quirinius Quirrell

~~~***~~~***~~~

author: Meltha

Chapter Text

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
Supply Request

Department: Infirmary
Date: 25 September, 1998
Contact Elf: Hecher
Requestor: Poppy Pomfrey

Vendor/Supplier: St. Mungo's Dispensary
Received by: Bluey

Stock# RM-01AV-97
Description of item: Anti-venom class A magically enhanced ; special formula (the type used on case 95-43WA12)
Ministry clearance code: Phoenix—ALPHA
Quantity: 3 vials

Stock# MS-431XT-45
Description of item: Bezoars from Capara Aegagrus Pasong, free range. Ninety-day-cured for maximum absorption value
Qauntity: Box of 50

Stock# MS-431XT-45p
Description of item: Powdered Bezoars, water-soluble, from Capara Aegagrus Pasong, free range. 120 day-cured for maximum absorption value and extended time-release.
Quantity: 3 jars

Stock# RM-90B65-97
Description of item: Tears of Phoenix (Fawkes) Loyalty connection paramount concern. Ministry clearance code: Phoenix—FIRE
Quantity: 2 vials

Stock# MS-32317X-19
Description of item: Class-C grade 19 Dittany (whole leaf-cultivated growth); replenishing stores.
Quantity: 284 grams

Stock# RM-0001ZZ-96
Description of item: Dreamless Sleep. Justification: Needed for returning students and staff still suffering Post-Traumatic Stress due to Final Battle of Second War. Ministry clearance code: Phoenix—ALPHA
Quantity: 100- 1 liter bottles

Stock# RM-44W26X-B
Description of item: Wolfsbane draught. See registered victim file #LB02Ma98-15. Snape patent; variation sub Lupin desired
Quantity: 15 vials.

Elf note: Hecher says please to be asking Pomfrey how to store snakey potion and birdie tears.

~~~***~~~***~~~

author: pokeystar

Chapter Text

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
Inter-Castle Memo

Date: 14 November, 1993
To: House-elves
From: Blinksey
Subject: Thingses Missing

You is probably seeing Headmaster's memo or hearing abouts the goings-on in Professor Trelawney's roomses.

We is looking at the evidences and we is talking abouts it and we is pretty sure that the Weasley Twins has done a prank again.

We foundses: Charmed snow globes from Zonko's jokes shops (shaken, the scene is too naughty to be describing in memoses)

Several Exploding Snap jokers, spelled to blow up at dire predictions

PG Tips tea bags

Six bottles of Transfigured apple juice.

Headmaster Dumbledore is getting confessions, but poor Professor's things is still missing.

Professor Trelawney is to be looking for:

Four crystal balls, one is belonging to her great-grandmother

The badses cards in her tarot decks (death, doom, tower, hanged man)

Her loose teases (especially the Vervaine melange, being for her nerves)

Six bottles of Sainsbury's pale cream sherry (being for her inner eye)

If you is finding these things, please returning them to her quickies in a pop.

Signed

Blinksey
House-Elf of Wards

~~~***~~~***~~~

author: pokeystar

Chapter Text

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
Staff Information Form

School Term: Autumn 1992
Name: Professor Remus J. Lupin
Subject: Defense Against the Dark Arts
Additional Duties: NA
Location of Quarters: Staff Quarters, Chamber 53
Location of Office/Classroom: Floor 2, Room 56

Best Cleaning Times: Professor Lupin is being out of the way during full moons. Can do full clean-up of classroom then without interuption

Classroom Cleaning Notes: Elves is likely to run into strange creatures in classroom. Do not be opening wardrobe doors unless is wanting to be confronted with image of Headmaster Dumbledore handing you clotheses. Is most scary. Floors is needing mopping more often due to amount of dirt tracked in and students running around in classroom to learn defense.

Office Cleaning Notes: Professor Lupin's pet Grindylow's tank is needing to be emptied at least twice a week for cleaning. Is best to transfer Grindylow to large soup tureen while tank is washed. Pay no attentions to the faces he is be making at elf cleaning tank. Is most rude. Be sure tureen is washed extra careful in kitchens later.

Quarters Cleaning Notes: We is not, at any time, to be entering Prof. Lupin's personal quarters during full moon. Office, yes, classroom, yes, but not personal quarters. We is not knowing he is a werewolf since we is not supposed to know, but even though werewolves is not paying attention to other creatures, we is staying out of there. Please remember, we is not knowing he is a werewolf. Even though obviously is.

Laundry Preferences: Likes clotheses soft. Do not be using starch.

Items to treat CAREFULLY: All his clotheses are frayed, old, as most of his belongings is. Be particularly gentle with them since must last long time.

Favourite Foods: Rare meat and chocolate, but not together

Disliked Foods: Vegetables of any kind

Tea Preferences: Oolong, but prefers hot chocolate

Typical Punishment: When is not full moon, asks to leave please. During full moon, attempts eating elf.

Number of Punishments Administered: When not during full moon, is very rare. Usually happens when he is sad. During full moon, happens when elf is stupid enough to be in room.

Typical causes for punishment: During full moon, no cause needed. Not during full moon, would be because is sad or is around Halloween when friendses died or was sent to Azkibanzi. Respect privacy especially that time of year.

Number of Clothes Threats: None, but can be itchy, so is needing soft clotheses. Should check for fleas?

When to Avoid: Again, full moon. Stay far away. Apparate food for werewolf, even though is not a werewolf, except we know is.

Additional Notes: Is nice man when is a man. Wolf gets grumpy… except is not wolf, of course. (N.B. Is.)

Updated: June 1993

Elf note: Is sending baggages from Prof. Lupin's quarters to new house. Headmaster Dumbledore is asking elf to bring potion from Prof. Snape to Prof. Lupin three days of month to prevent mishaps. Is better to deliver it than owl it as is very tricksy potion. Also, is werewolf. Is in open now. We is all to be surprised by this as did not know. (N.B. Did.)

~~~***~~~***~~~

author: Meltha

Chapter Text

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
House-Elf Work Order

Date: 12 April 1996

Time: 7:42 p.m.

Reporting Professor Name: Irma Pince

Location House-elf Needed: Library, History of Magic Section

Action Required: Repair of table legs, mending of books as follows: "Great Warlock Alchemists of the 18th Century" (binding damaged by potion displaying mother-of-pearl sheen, smells of aging parchment, freshly washed wool and sauerkraut), "Summoning the Past: Enlightening Conversations with Famous Ghosts" (illustration of Stan Laurel stained with fushia ink), "A Brief History of Magical Law" (pages 1,100-1,124 torn), "Goblins Amongst Us: Historical Perspectives on the Regulation of Goblins in Commerce" (back cover bent, potentially from being sat upon)

Magic Used, if Any: Students attempted to use Reparo on table, which appears to have collapsed due to roughhousing

Student(s) Involved: Pansy Parkinson, Romilda Vane

Additional Comments: Students tried to evade discovery, but were apprehended leaving the library. When questioned, Ms. Vane indicated they were practicing potions. Ms. Parkinson appeared slightly dazed and overly enthusiastic about Ms. Vane's companionship.

House-elf or Elves Assigned: Tweeky

Time Completed: 5:28 a.m.

~~~***~~~***~~~

author: slytherinlaurel

Chapter Text

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
Staff Meeting Agenda/Minutes

MEETING: 5 November, 1992
10:00 – 11:00 a.m.
Kitchens
Facilitator - Head Elf Jammy

What (agenda Item): Potions Classroom
Who (which elf added it/presenting): Lippy, Bluey
How*: A
Action Taken (minutes notes): Longbottom splodies is extra hard cleaning. I’s need more helps. Theys get every where – in the stone crackses and under the deskses. On the ceiling.

And Snape is to be making him cleans up his messes and student cleaning spells is not being strong enough. So every thing dries up on surfaces. Or it is being to grow all by itself. A blobby thing tries to eats Lippy on Friday.

Bluey volunteers to help Lippy with Longbottom splodies.

What (agenda Item): Safety
Who (which elf added it/presenting): Blinksey
How*: I-H
Action Taken (minutes notes): Big scary snake is outies again. It’s being in the sewer pipes and service tunnelses. Be really really really carefulies in the tunnelses and pipes.

Blinksey is to be handing out magicked reflecto goggles that flashes shutsies when snakey looks elf’s way. Elf is to be using statue spell. Stone is tasting nasty to snakeses.

Blinksey also be Conjures snakey voice so elfes know what it is to be sounding like.

What (agenda Item): Supply Requests
Who (which elf added it/presenting): Dahler
How*: I-A
Action Taken (minutes notes): The Board of Governors is to be asking headmaster to make sure we is filling out supply requests right.

Elfs is to be remembering to sign the received bys.

And make sure the order matches what came.

And flash it to Melthy so she is notifying Gringotts for payes.

Master Malfoy is to wanting to look over every requestses.

*How code A -Action Item D/P -Discussion/Planning
I-A Information - Announcement I-H -Information – Handout

~~~***~~~***~~~

author: pokeystar

Chapter Text

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
Inter-Castle Memo

Date: 15 September 1992
To: Albus Dumbledore
cc: House-elves
From: Rolanda Hooch
Subject: Bludger incident

Headmaster,

After extensive testing by both myself and Professor McGonagall, it appears that it was not a student that released the Bludger after all. It seems to have been a house-elf that accidentally allowed it to escape while cleaning the office. I've had a lengthy, rather loud talk with the house-elf involved about following instructions, using common sense, and her desire to avoid clothing, and I don't think the problem should occur again. We've just about managed to talk Kennelworthy Whisp back into his own portrait, too. Finally. The great coward spent half his life writing about Quidditch, and he's been hiding in Violet's portrait for three days because of one out-of-control Bludger.

Anyway, as there's no longer any reason to suspect that students (or anyone else) has been tampering with things in my office, I've rescinded my requisition form for a biting ball case.

Best regards,

Rolanda Hooch

~~~***~~~***~~~

author: JackieJLH

Chapter Text

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
Staff Information Form

School Term: Spring 1995
Name: Irma Pince
Subject: Librarian
Additional Duties: Night corridor patrol second and fourth Thursdays of the month
Location of Quarters: Fifth Floor, next to Library
Location of Office/Classroom: Library

Best Cleaning Times: Clean library at night time, when Madam be sleeping. Clean quarters early morning when Madam first be going to library, but must be waiting until Master Karkaroff be leaving for breakfast.

Classroom Cleaning Notes: Clean dust from books but do not move books, do not touch books that bite

Office Cleaning Notes: Do not rearrange Madam's student misconduct reports

Quarters Cleaning Notes: Make bed very tight, Madam be liking sheets starched and ironed every day

Laundry Preferences: Heavy starch, is not to be shrinking Madam's wool knickers

Items to treat CAREFULLY: Books, tea set, special riding crop

Favourite Foods: Dry toast, cabbage, mastica

Disliked Foods: Chewing gum, chocolate, treacle, pumpkin juice

Tea Preferences: Earl Grey, no milk or sugar

Typical Punishment: Beating hands with ruler

Number of Punishments Administered: 25

Typical causes for punishment: Disturbing special tea time with Master Karkaroff, moving Madam's books, not putting enough starch in Madam's clothes

Number of Clothes Threats: 13

When to Avoid: When Master Karkaroff be visiting

Additional Notes: None

Updated: 31 March, 1995

~~~***~~~***~~~

author: slytherinlaurel

Chapter Text

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
Supply Request

Department: Kitchens

Date: 30 July 1991

Contact Elf: Woody

Requestor: Rubeus Hagrid

Received by: Ophy

Stock# 13
Description of item: Birthday cake for Harry Potter with Happy Birthday Harry in yellow icing on pink background. Make it a nice, big cake, the boy's still growing. I dunna care if there be candles or not. Pack it so I can take it on me bike. (The flying bike. You know the one.)
Quantity: 1

Stock# 22
Description of item: Sausages. Pack them so I can take them on the bike. Men need something to eat.
Quantity: 10

Stock# 1
Description of item: Tea - Teabags will do. To take with me.
Quantity: 10

~~~***~~~***~~~

author: sylvanawood

Chapter Text

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
House-Elf Work Order

Date: 18 August 1993

Time: 8:15 am

Reporting Professor Name: Albus Dumbledore

Location House-elf Needed: Hogsmeade Train Station

Action Required: Guide, carry, consult

Magic Used, if Any: As needed, without infringing on the International statute

Student(s) Involved: not applicable

Additional Comments: Dobby, please assist Mr. Filch in his assigned duty of purchasing chocolate in Muggle London. I feel you are the elf best suited to this task, my friend, as you have observed Muggle culture first hand.

Also, please be advised that Mr. Filch is even more sour than usual. He is very uncomfortable with this assignment, having never been among Muggles, and is likely to take out his anxieties and frustrations on you.

I order you to disregard any punishments he may impose on you. Mr. Filch has been advised of this order, but I do not expect him to resist temptation. I know you have dealt with more unsavoury characters than our cantankerous caretaker, but I trust you will not take his attitude personally.

p.s.: Dobby, I have a lovely pair of knitted woolly socks for you when you return.

House-elf or Elves Assigned: Dobby

House-elf or Elves Comments: Filch-sir is to be punishing Dobby seventeen times, Headmaster, but I be following your orders. He is being very cranky on train home, so I snapped him to be sleeping. He was being happier when he is waking up in Hogsmeade.

Time Completed: 22 August 1993

~~~***~~~***~~~

author: pokeystar

Chapter Text

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
Staff Information Form

School Term: Autumn 1993

Name: Severus Snape

Subject: Potions, Defence Against the Dark Arts (substitute for when Professor Lupin is having his wolfy times)

Additional Duties: Head of Slytherin House, brewing potions for infirmary, harvesting Potions ingredients, healing curses

Location of Quarters: Dungeon, behind portrait of Boris the Bloody-Minded

Location of Office/Classroom: Dungeon Four

Best Cleaning Times: Late night, while he is making rounds. (Note: he is making rounds every night now. Elves is thinking he is not sleeping enough.)

Classroom Cleaning Notes: Always use gloves; no touching potions spills with bare fingers!

Office Cleaning Notes: Keep specimen jars dusted and polished and refill red ink weekly. Fire must be kept burning in winter. Unless Professor Snape is requesting elves to help, we is not to enter or clean his lab. He is brewing a special Potion for Professor Lupin's wolfy times, and he is not wanting anything or anybody to disturb the brewing.

Quarters Cleaning Notes: Watch out for book piles on the floor. Keep bookshelves dusted, but don't rearrange. New for this year: Professor Snape is wanting fresh mistletoe hung over all the doors in his quarters. (Is not for kissing; is to keep out werewolves.) See note on pillows below.

Favourite Foods: Roast beef, Yorkshire pudding, sticky toffee pudding, Elf-made red wine. See note on chocolate below.

Disliked Foods: Cabbage, beans on toast, pumpkin juice

Tea Preferences: Lapsang Souchong, no milk or sugar

Typical Punishment: Shouting, threatening to put elves in specimen jars, telling elves to get out.

Number of Punishments Administered: 1575

Typical causes for punishment: Mentioning Harry Potter, mentioning Professor Lupin, mentioning Boggarts, touching Potions ingredients without gloves, losing his page in his books, washing black and white clothes together, cleaning too loud when Professor Snape has a headache. (NOTE: Dementors and Professor Lupin is making him extra grouchy this year. Be careful.)

Number of Clothes Threats: 796 (But he is still not giving them.)

When to Avoid: Early morning, after classes, before he is drinking his tea, after he is talking to the Headmaster or Professor Trelawney or Professor Lupin. Also after he is teaching classes with Harry Potter in them.

Additional Notes: Professor Snape is not having much sleep this year, and Neity is noticing that Dementors is giving him bad dreams when he does sleep. Elves is deciding to leave extra chocolate on his dinner trays and apply Sweet Dreams charms to his pillows. (Is needing two snaps.)

Updated: 17 November, 1993

~~~***~~~***~~~

author: bluestocking

Chapter Text

Interlude October 1998

Professor—Headmistress—McGonagall tapped a spoon against her tartan Limoges tea cup and peered at Hermione over the rim of her wire-framed glasses.

“Biscuit?” she offered, floating a tray of shortbread to the young lady situated in the other armchair before the fire.

Little had changed in the Headmistress's study since Dumbledore's time, simply because she wished it so, and the Castle agreed. Even Fawkes's perch remained, though the Phoenix only visited during his burning time. It was mostly a comfort to the returning students and staff, who appreciated something familiar, something constant after the unsettling upheaval of War. Hermione Granger, Minerva observed keenly, was no different in that respect.

“How are your studies coming along?” she asked, taking a sip of her perfectly brewed Scottish Breakfast. The lemon complimented it wonderfully.

Hermione swallowed a bit of shortbread and smiled. “Very well, thank you.”

They both paused to enjoy their tea, shortbread, and like-minded companionship.

“What do you plan to do after Hogwarts, Hermione?” Minerva reached for another piece of shortbread.

“I'm not precisely sure. I assume I can apply for apprenticeships.” She looked up at her mentor, who nodded her agreement.

“As long as your N.E.W.T. Scores are Exceeds Expectations or above.” The Headmistress smirked a little. Anything less would be a sign of the Apocalypse; right after Peeves doing something nice for Mr. Filch.

“I'd like to go to University, I think.” Hermione's forehead wrinkled. She supposed constantly evading death or disaster might excuse ignorance of her future, but she loathed not being informed, not to mention the lack of a plan. “Is that an option?”

“Why, of course it is. There are Magical colleges at Cambridge and Sorbonne. Oh, and the American University in Cairo, as well.” Minerva beamed at her. “The typical apprenticeship is seven years in length. With a University education, you will cut that in half. It also usually results in quicker promotions.”

Hermione bit her lip, picturing her planner in her head. “Do I still have time to apply?”

“Even if the deadline has passed, it would not be an issue, Miss Granger,” said Dumbledore. The former Headmaster had given up snoozing and sat forward in his portrait chair, eyes twinkling with interest.

“I would prefer to be admitted on my own merits, rather than my War status,” Hermione replied stiffly, avoiding the Headmaster's avid gaze. Several portraits sniffed in offense—the loudest of which was Phineas Nigellus. “With all due respect,” she added, reluctantly minding her manners.

“In any event,” Minerva interceded. “The application deadlines are in mid-December, so you do have some time.”

Hermione nodded, mentally compressing her revision schedule to clear a weekend in early November for her new task. The earlier the better, in case it took longer than she thought it would.

“What would be your preferred course of study, if I may be so bold to inquire?” the Headmaster asked, undaunted by his former student's icy civility.

Hermione was sorely tempted to ignore him, but Minerva looked interested in her answer as well. She gazed blankly into the fire, mulling over her subjects. Some hints at restlessness—muffled coughing, the rustling of robes; most of the more recent Headmasters and Mistresses were awake by this time—finally broke her reverie.

“It's so difficult to choose,” she almost wailed, her beseeching gaze finding Minerva looking back sympathetically. “I love most of my subjects, really. Ancient Runes is fascinating and Arithmancy is very challenging.” She sighed ruefully. “I don't think that would be practical, though, considering the ban.”

“Kingsley and Bill are very close to negotiating a repeal of the ban,” said Minerva. “Griphook recovered the sword of Gryffindor—that went a long way in mollifying the goblins. And Harry paid restitution for much of the damage done to the Gringotts vaults.”

“He did?” Hermione gasped. How did she not know that? Did Ron know?

Minerva nodded and waved it off. “A sign of good faith. You and I both know that money made him uncomfortable.” She sipped tea from her cup. “The goblins also acknowledged no harm came to their numbers through your actions—and that Voldemort would have been detrimental to business, to say the least.”

Dumbledore chuckled. Hermione frowned at him and then turned back to Minerva. “What if I want to change policy or law in the wizarding world?”

“You would need to study History of Magic and wizarding Rhetoric—your love of Ancient Runes and research skills would come in handy there,” Minerva replied, her eyes twinkling knowingly. “Perhaps with an emphasis in Care of Magical Creatures.”

Hermione blushed under her mentor's warm approbation and sipped her tea.

~~~**~~~**~~~

Later, she lay in bed, replaying their conversation in her head as Ginny, Lavender and Parvati gently slumbered. It was a bit funny neither one of them brought up Potions as a viable option, despite her high marks in the subject.

By the end of sixth year, she had finally accepted that her aptitude lay elsewhere. And the endless camping had driven that acceptance home. She was not an exemplary cook by anyone's standards, as Ronald had so kindly pointed out in his letters; Potions and cooking were very strongly related. She could follow a recipe perfectly and achieve passable results, but she lacked the innovation and desire, really, to produce a sumptuous feast. Of course, had she brought up the possibility, she was sure Headmaster Snape would have dismissed it immediately.

Hermione suddenly sat bolt upright in her bed, reaching for her wand—a gift from Mr. Ollivander before he retired to the country—on her bedside table. She couldn't remember seeing his portrait in the Headmistress's study.

“Lumos!” she whispered as she slipped out of bed, and plucked a well-worn copy of Hogwarts: A History from the bookshelves near her desk. Leafing through the pages as quietly as possible, she found the section on the Head's portraits.

A master wizarding artist is chosen in each generation to paint the portraits of passed Headmasters and Headmistresses who served Hogwarts regardless of their notoriety or achievement. A vial of the deceased's essence (obtained through the ritual of release occuring at the dissolution of the Headmaster's—or Mistress's—oath to the Castle [1]) is instantaneously transported to the artist's studio, where it binds to the paint used to complete the individual's portrait according to his or her specifications, as laid out in the contract of hire [2].

She scanned the bottom of the page for the corresponding footnotes.

1. See Infusing Portraiture, a translation of Eadwine the Scribe's treatise by Leonardo DaVinci.

2. See Appendix 12-p.

She made a note to visit the library, in order to check out a copy of Infusing Portraiture, and then flipped through the pages to find appendix 12-p.

Appendix 12-p

Regarding Contract of Hire, portrait clause:

If no specifications are made as to the individual's portrait, a generic background will be generated by the master artist. Refusal of a portrait is not optional.

She caught herself just in time before slamming the book shut. Thinking of the most recent information scroll she had read, she became even angrier. Clearly, the elves had more regard for the former Professor Snape than his mentor did.

She could only hope that he'd managed to find a way to avoid that nasty clause.

And Dumbledore had better pray that her aptitude in Potions remained mediocre, and that she stayed busy with planning her own future. Or he would soon find himself erased by a newly developed Magically-binding Turpentine Solution.

~~~***~~~***~~~

author: pokeystar

beta: bluestocking

Chapter Text

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
Inter-Castle Memo

Date: 3rd September, 1991
To: House-elves
From: Rubeus Hagrid, Groundkeeper
Subject: Harvesting crew required

Mates,

I need a group of you to help me with harvesting stinging nettles, bless ye. Dunno why Professor Sprout and Professor Snape need so many of them, but there you are. I know a pretty little clearing next to the brook where the unicorns run about. If yer lucky, you get ta see some. We need 10 pounds fresh material. Far as I know, they want to brew nettle wine. Dunno what they want with it, but we prefer the better stuff, don't we, mates?

Dunna worry 'bout the centaurs, 'cause I told them to keep away. Oh, and if Bluey is afraid of Aragog, maybe next time she ought not be wandering off where she's got no business.

I'll bring rock cakes. You bring tea. We're gonna have a good time.

Signed

Rubeus Hagrid, Groundkeeper
Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry

~~~***~~~***~~~

author: sylvanawood

Chapter Text

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
Staff Meeting Agenda/Minutes

Meeting: 27 March, 1998
10:00 am to 11:00 am
Kitchens
Facilitator - Head Elf Jammy

What (agenda Item): Sick leave
Who (which elf added it/presenting): Neity
How*: I-A
Action Taken (minutes notes): Neity reports her return from hospital wing. She skipped work for two days for being too slow on a hex run in Mistress Carrow’s quarters. Fae does a happy dance and disrupts meeting. She cleaned instead of Neity.

What (agenda Item): New punishment
Who (which elf added it/presenting): Fae
How*: D/P
Action Taken (minutes notes): Fae says elves use cleaning at the Carrows as punishment. She got a slap from Tesher. Tesher says Fae is a bad elf, because cleaning is joy not punishment. Fae and Neity want to send Tesher to try Carrows and see for himself. Cullie suggests we sends elfkins to learn cleaning at the Carrows if it’s so hard. It’s good training. Elves all nod. Neity shrieks and throws herself at the door. She says that she is not letting us away, if we send elfkins to Carrows. Such a ruckus that elf makes. Bad elf. Trouble-maker. We were better off with her at hospital wing. Tesher says we should send Neity to Miss Hatmaker to ask for a hat. She is disgrace of house-elves.

*How code A -Action Item D/P -Discussion/Planning
I-A Information - Announcement I-H -Information – Handout

~~~***~~~***~~~

author: nata

Chapter Text

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
Inter-Castle Memo

Date: 1 May, 1998
To: House-elves
From: Irma Pince, Librarian, Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry
Subject: Missing Tomes

Elves,

In recent days it has become apparent that certain critical reference volumes have been pilfered from the school's collection. These particular works are ones that could be used for the subversion of the Ministry's important work in seeking out and detaining Muggle-borns not in compliance with Ministry regulations. Defence against the Dark Arts, Medicinal Potions and Advanced Transfiguration texts have all had tracking charms placed on them in order to capture the culprits and hand them over to the proper authorities.

The distinguished Headmaster Snape has been informed of this situation and any house-elf found assisting fugitives in any manner will be handed over to the Ministry. I certainly do not need to mention the severe measures the Ministry has imposed on magical creatures found to be disloyal to the interests of witches and wizards as defined by the Wizengamot.

Signed

Irma Pince, Librarian
Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry

~~~***~~~***~~~

author: slytherinlaurel

Chapter Text

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
Staff Information Form

School Term: Autumn 1991
Name: Quirinius Quirrell
Subject: Defense Against the Dark Arts
Additional Duties: NA
Location of Quarters: Staff Quarters, Chamber 53
Location of Office/Classroom: Floor 2, Room 56

Best Cleaning Times: Early morning hours classroom and office is free as likes to sleep in. Clean personal quarters during class hours

Classroom Cleaning Notes: Be sure to be putting things back exactly as was. Gets nervous when things in different places

Office Cleaning Notes: Is same. Office is somewhat disorganized, but seems to prefer this way.

Quarters Cleaning Notes: Same again. Also, not to be cleaned when in room. Has habit of talking to self and seems embarrassed when is caught doing so.

Laundry Preferences: Be careful. Is getting strange stains on clothes, silvery, along with dirts from forest. Is very hard to get out. Not sure what is.

Items to treat CAREFULLY: Turban. Is very protective. May contain garlic. Stinky.

Favourite Foods: Seems less happy with pork pie than last year, but is still eating it.

Disliked Foods: Is not seeming to like much anymore. Oddly, eating twice as much, though, so maybe food is still good.

Tea Preferences: Assam, extra strong

Typical Punishment: Is much more tempermental than last term. Is now taken to stunning spells and occasional hexes.

Number of Punishments Administered: Many. Elveses is best to be watching theyselves around him.

Typical causes for punishment: Anything seen as disrespect, but especially not being seen when in room. Takes offense to this. Will notice any infractions. Is like has eyes in back of head.

Number of Clothes Threats: Multiple for mentioning laundering of turban. Is touchy.

When to Avoid: More and more, any time when is in room. Seems to be getting worse.

Additional Notes:Is cranky. May need cheering up. Suggest Cheering Charm from Prof. Flitwick.

Updated:

November 1991: Administered Cheering Charm without his knowing. Seemed happier for while. Began singing "Cauldron Full of Hot, Strong Love," but is odd as seemed to be singing both lead vocal and back vocal at same time. Is both a tenor and rather high soprano.

June 1991: Is dead. Turban was stinky for reason. Note for future: humans is to be having only one singing voice at a time. Otherwise, is most suspicious.

~~~***~~~***~~~

author: Meltha

Chapter Text

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
Supply Request

Department: Headmaster's Office
Date: 13 August 1993
Contact Elf: Dazy
Requestor: Albus Dumbledore

Vendor/Supplier: Honeyduke's in Hogsmeade
Received by: not applicable- order refused

Stock# 23789
Description of item: White chocolate bars, 5 cm thick. Plain.
White chocolate bars, 5 cm thick. With Macadamia nuts.
White chocolate bars, 5 cm thick. With orange zest.
White chocolate bars, 5 cm thick. With raspberry filling.
Quantity: 50 bars each

Stock# 67423
Description of item: Semi-sweet chocolate bars 5 cm thick. Plain
Semi-sweet chocolate bars 5 cm thick. With Peanuts.
Semi-sweet chocolate bars 5 cm thick. Cadbury fruit and nuts
Semi-sweet chocolate bars 5 cm thick. With caramel
Quantity: 100 each; Cadbury 350

Stock# 4590
Description of item: Chocolate Frogs
Quantity: 600 packs

Stock# 90853
Description of item: Dark chocolate bars 5 cm thick. Plain.
Dark chocolate bars 5 cm thick. With almonds
Dark chocolate bars 7 cm thick. Coffee-flavoured
Quantity: 50 each; deliver coffee variety directly to S. Snape

Stock# 3000001
Description of item: Bittersweet chocolate bars 4 cm thick.
Quantity: 75

Stock# 70989-99
Description of item: Assorted chocolate bars 5 cm thick. Sugar Free.
Quantity: 20 each

Stock# 610-650
Description of item: Fudge, various flavors including: mocha, peanut butter, walnut, pecan, caramel, raspberry, vanilla, lavender, garlic, and dragon's blood.
Quantity: 5 kilograms each variety

Stock# 108906
Description of item: Cockroach clusters
Quantity: 15 kilograms

Stock# 340-1a
Description of item: Chocolate-covered sugar quills; semi, dark, milk
Quantity: 5 kilograms each variety

~~~***~~~***~~~

author: pokeystar

Chapter Text

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
Supply Request

Department: Hospital wing
Date: 12 August 1993
Contact Elf: Chivy
Requestor: Poppy Pomfrey

Vendor/Supplier: Honeyduke's in Hogsmeade
Received by: not applicable- order refused

Stock# V67-92
Description of item: Cocoa nibs
Quantity: 30 kilograms

Stock# 340-1a
Description of item: Chocolate-covered sugar quills; semi, dark, milk
Quantity: 5 kilograms each variety

Stock# 4590
Description of item: Chocolate Frogs
Quantity: 600 packs

Stock# 90853
Description of item: Dark chocolate bars 5 cm thick. Plain.
Dark chocolate bars 5 cm thick. With almonds
Dark chocolate bars 7 cm thick. Coffee-flavoured
Quantity: 70 each; deliver coffee variety directly to S. Snape

Stock# 3000001
Description of item: Bittersweet chocolate bars 4 cm thick.
Quantity: 75

Stock# 70989-99
Description of item: Assorted chocolate bars 5 cm thick. Sugar Free.
Quantity: 20 each

Stock# 108906
Description of item: Cockroach clusters
Quantity: 15 kilograms

~~~***~~~***~~~

author: pokeystar

Chapter Text

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
Supply Request

Department: Defense Against the Dark Arts
Date: 14 August 1993
Contact Elf: Chivy
Requestor: Remus J. Lupin

Vendor/Supplier: Honeyduke's in Hogsmeade
Received by: not applicable- order refused

Stock# 4590
Description of item: Chocolate Frogs
Quantity: 750 packs

Stock# 340-1a
Description of item: Chocolate-covered sugar quills; semi, dark, milk
Quantity: 5 kilograms each variety

Stock# 3000001
Description of item: Bittersweet chocolate bars 4 cm thick.
Quantity: 15; personal use

Stock# 70989-99
Description of item: Assorted chocolate bars 5 cm thick. Sugar Free.
Quantity: 20 each

note: Please make sure wrappers do not contain silver filaments – especially bars obtained for personal use. Thank you very much.

~~~***~~~***~~~

author: pokeystar

Chapter Text

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
Staff Information Form

School Term: Autumn 1996
Name: Horace E. F. Slughorn
Subject: Potions
Additional Duties: None official; head of the Slug Club
Location of Quarters: Second floor, off of the Great Hall
Location of Office/Classroom: Office is on Second floor; classroom is Dungeon Four

Best Cleaning Times: Mealtimes

Classroom Cleaning Notes: Clean messes and repair explosion damage as necessary.

Office Cleaning Notes: We is to be managing Professor's Slughorn's correspondence and sorting his letters in order of importance of the persons who is sending them.

Quarters Cleaning Notes: Fluff pillows and polish crystal collection weekly.

Laundry Preferences: Embroidered robes is needing hand washing and fezzes is needing to be brushed and have tassels untangled.

Items to treat CAREFULLY: Dust special photos, but don't move them; they is placed in specific order. Pernie is taking care of this.

Favourite Foods: Roast lamb, potatoes dauphinoise, candied pineapple, profiteroles, oak-matured mead

Disliked Foods: None

Tea Preferences: Darjeeling, Jungpana estates, first flush.

Typical Punishment: Looking very, very disappointed in elveses

Number of Punishments Administered: 45

Typical causes for punishment: Not allowing Professor Slughorn into Headmaster's wine cellar; misplacing letters that has Quidditch tickets in them.

Number of Clothes Threats: 5

When to Avoid: Early morning; after he is drinking with the Headmaster.

Additional Notes: Slug Club arrangements is to be made with elveses three weeks in advance.

Updated: October 15, 1996

~~~***~~~***~~~

author: bluestocking

Chapter Text

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
House Elf Work Order

Date: 15th October 1994

Time: 03:40

Reporting Professor Name: Professor Snape

Location House-elf Needed: Seventh-year Slytherin boys' dormitory - 3rd bed, next to window.

Action Required: Clear up of blood and dispose of dead fox levitating above bed. Also clear up residual magic surrounding bed including wards. DO NOT REPORT THIS TO HEADMASTER DUMBLEDORE.

Magic Used, if Any: Unknown, except for Levicorpus, Cruciatus and Entrail-Expelling Curse

Student(s) Involved: Rigel Rosternan

Additional Comments: Be careful not to physically touch the corpse, lest some of the curses transfer from Fox to elf. Please remove all traces of residual magic and eradicate smell. Please also contact me when finished, so that the boys can move back into their dormitory.

House-elf or Elves Assigned: Peppy, Voxy and Ophy

House-elf or Elves Comments: Messes is cleaned up. Smell was hard to remove, but Voxy performed the Febrezo charm to makes it smell nice again. This tooked a long time, but will be qwicker next time because we will use wee.

Time Completed: 06:10

Elf Notes: Peppy gots rid of wardses first, with Ophy as back-up. Voxy managed to reverse anti-gravity charmses on the ded foxy, but forgots to put something underneaths it, so it splattered on the bed, making more messes. Ophy gots rid of ded foxy, but getting rid of blood stainses is hard works, and Voxy said to try using dragonses wee mixed with Doxy venoms and a bit of tea tree oil. Peppy wents to the kitchens to makes the mixture, and when she broughts it back we tried it on the foxy blood and it worked. We hads to soak it in first, scrubs the mixture into everything what has touched the blood, and then banish both the blood and the wee mixture. Makes a note to try this first next time.

~~~***~~~***~~~

author: kristoph

Chapter Text

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
Inter-Castle Memo

Date: 2 January 1998
To: Headmaster Severus Snape
From: Neity
Subject: Supply request

Master Headmaster Snape,

Mistress Carrow asks Hogwarts elves a chair to Ravenclaw Tower. She is wants a Cushioning Charm from a costly Floo-shop. We elves thinks that Master Tinyman can cast a good Cushioning Charm and for no gallons. Mistress Carrow doesn’t wants Master Tinyman’s Charms, she wants Floo-shop Charms. She wants Hogwarts gallons wasted.

We elves thinks that Mistress Carrow hurts Hogwarts. We take punishments for thinking bad of Mistress, but we thinks she hurts Hogwarts also after slamming fingers with oven doors.

We also asks for that Alertness Potion for the chair that Master Headmaster received in Supply Request #23486. We needs that potion now, Master, or she will take our bandages from burnt fingers and makes us eat them.

With respects,

Melthy, writing for Neity, because she slammed fingers before finishing letter,

stupid elf.

~~~***~~~***~~~

author: nata

Chapter Text

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
Staff Information Form

School Term: Spring 1995

Name: Severus Snape

Subject: Potions

Additional Duties: Head of Slytherin House, brewing potions for infirmary, harvesting Potions ingredients,

healing curses

Location of Quarters: Dungeon, behind portrait of Boris the Bloody-Minded

Location of Office/Classroom: Dungeon Four

Best Cleaning Times: Late night, while he is making rounds. (Note: he is making rounds every night now. Elves is thinking he is not sleeping enough.)

Classroom Cleaning Notes: Always use gloves; no touching potions spills with bare fingers!

Office Cleaning Notes: Keep specimen jars dusted and polished and refill red ink daily. Fire must be kept burning in winter. Unless Professor Snape is requesting elves to help, we is not to enter or clean his lab or storage cupboard, and of course we is not to touch any supplies. (Note: THIS IS MEANING YOU, DOBBY.)

Quarters Cleaning Notes: Watch out for book piles on the floor. Keep bookshelves dusted, but don't rearrange. See note on pillows below.

Laundry Preferences: Stain Resist AND Fireproofing Charms (very important) on all clothes, including cloak; Billowing Charm on teaching robes. Keep white clothes and black clothes SEPARATE. NOTE: Is time for Professor Snape's nightshirt to be "lost" in the laundry. Is so old that elves is not able to snap it clean anymore, and he is needing a new one.

Items to treat CAREFULLY: All books must be left as they is! Professor Snape is having a system for his bookshelves and piles, and he is not liking it when they is disturbed. (Ask Bluey and Voxy; they is understanding the system.) Potions Storage Cupboard is now warded and off-limits even for elveses, except those who is knowing the password. Woody is handling this.

Favourite Foods: Roast beef, Yorkshire pudding, sticky toffee pudding, Elf-made red wine. (Note: He is drinking much more Firewhisky this year, and elves is concerned for this. Don't refill decanter more than once a week.)

Disliked Foods: Cabbage, beans on toast, pumpkin juice

Tea Preferences: Lapsang Souchong, no milk or sugar

Typical Punishment: Shouting, throwing things, threatening to put elves in specimen jars, telling elves to get out.

Number of Punishments Administered: 1834

Typical causes for punishment: Mentioning Harry Potter, mentioning Professor Moody, mentioning Boggarts, touching Potions ingredients without gloves, losing his page in his books, washing black and white clothes together, cleaning too loud when Professor Snape has a headache. (NOTE: He is even grouchier than last year.)

Number of Clothes Threats: 894 (But he is still not giving them.)

When to Avoid: Early morning, after classes, before he is drinking his tea, after he is talking to the Headmaster or Professors Moody and Karkaroff, after he is teaching classes with Harry Potter in them. ESPECIALLY avoid after he is rubbing his arm and making grouchy faces.

Additional Notes: Professor Snape is having even less sleep this year, even though Dementors is gone. Elves is deciding to continue adding Sweet Dreams charms to his pillows. (Is needing three snaps now.)

Updated: March 12, 1995

~~~***~~~***~~~

author: bluestocking

Chapter Text

Interlude December 1998

The Burrow was so quiet Hermione could almost hear a pin drop. It seemed to hold its breath in anticipation; an attitude of stillness that was previously unheard of in all its years of being.

“Ummm... when?” she asked weakly, wishing she was sitting down. Or in the loo. Maybe Peru. She suppressed the urge to giggle madly.

He was kneeling, one knee bent, before her. “I was thinking as soon as I graduate Academy.”

“In June?” Her voice ratcheted up so that garden gnomes three miles off could hear her. Unfortunately, it failed to penetrate her boyfriend's thick skull.

Boyfriend. That was the problem. She couldn't bear to break it off in a letter. She knew he would do it that way and think nothing of it, but then he was a boy. With the emotional range of a teaspoon. She'd decided to tell him at the Burrow over the hols, but since she'd arrived, Molly had kept them all busy, determined not to let her youngest two be alone with their significant others. Hermione hadn't pushed it, reluctant to spoil Ron's obvious happiness.

“Er, yes?” He was beginning to realise she hadn't used that particular word yet.

“But I've applied to University!” she practically wailed. In front of his whole family. He'd sent five measly letters since September. How was she supposed to know this was coming?

Ron was puzzled. “Why'd you do that?”

She just stared at him, waiting for the Knut to drop. She really wished she had written that letter.

George let out a sharp bark of laughter. “You sure can be dense, little brother.”

“What did we fight for, Ronald?” Hermione implored, as if George's comment finally gave her permission to speak plainly. “I want to learn as much as possible, so that I can help change our world for the better.”

“I fought for us, Herms. For our lives together. For the world we live in now. Don't you love me?” He looked up at her, his heart is his eyes.

“I do,” she whispered. His eyes lit up. She took a deep breath and pushed on. “You are a very dear friend to me. But I need time to develop my potential and find my place in this world. I'm not ready for marriage.”

Ron stood abruptly and dropped the ring box to the floor, clenching his fists. “A dear friend?” he choked out. A flush crept up his neck to his forehead, nearly the same tone as his freckles. “The way Krum is a dear friend? Or maybe Harry? I'm not sure I qualify as a dear friend, Herms. After all, I haven't been in your knickers yet!”

The room itself seemed to suck in its breath and she gaped at him: the words, the thoughts, the hurt, the rage, the sorrow piling up in her chest, making it nearly impossible to speak.

“Perhaps,” she pushed out on a sob, “you are right about that.”

His chin went up and his cheeks flushed a deeper shade of red. She could see him decide quite deliberately to misunderstand her.

“Lucky we had this chat, then,” he said, his voice as ugly as if he still wore the locket. “I'd hate to be bonded to an absolute slag.”

“What a pity,” she shot back, unable to stop herself. “That lets out all your former girlfriends.”

George let out another bark of laughter that sounded like a starter's pistol. It echoed loudly, propelling Hermione out the Burrow's front door into the garden, where she turned on her heel, intent only on escape. She popped away just as Ginny and Harry burst through the door, calling her name.

She opened her eyes moments later, tears spilling down her cheeks, to sit down blindly on a large rock. Shivering in her hand-knitted jumper, she cast a strong Warming Charm before checking herself for splinchage. When she was assured no body part had been left behind, she assessed her surroundings, eager for a distraction from Ronald's voice echoing endlessly in her head.

Slag.

Her eyes wandered over the clearing, taking in the frost on the fallen leaves, the ice-encrusted moss clinging to dark brown bark, the still pool of water near the rock she was seated upon.

Escape.

She was in the Forest of Dean. Sitting on the rock where Ron had destroyed the locket. Too bad his insecurities and jealousy hadn't been as easily conquered. She had hoped they could be friends—part of her had even hoped for more, one day.

She laughed bitterly, startling a rabbit out of some brush nearby, his thick winter white coat providing no camouflage on this crisp snow-less day.

It had been all too easy for her to forgive Ronald his petty outbursts in the past, chalking them up to immaturity and a lack of self-awareness. After all they had been through, the old excuses now seemed shop-worn and stretched too thin. She had assumed he was sorted into Gryffindor on the strength of his loyalty and bravery, but perhaps the Hat had seen his impetuousness most clearly.

A deer wandered into the clearing then, foraging at the edge of the trees for bits of moss and loose bark, unaware of the disconsolate girl across the pond. She held her breath until the deer withdrew to the depths of the forest, and then she hiked to the nearest dirt road, sticking out her wand. She was in no shape to Apparate back to Hogwarts.

~***~***~

The Knight Bus dropped her off in Hogsmeade several hours later, Ernie cheerfully acknowledging her promise to Owl the fare to him as soon as she could possibly do so. She trudged her way wearily to the Hogwarts gates and was enveloped at once in Professor Sprout's warm motherly embrace.

“We've been watching for you since Mr. Potter Flooed Minerva in a dither this morning,” she explained as they made their way to the Castle. “He thought you might come here. Aberforth signalled us as soon as you got off the Bus.”

Hermione burst into fresh tears, tired and overwhelmed at the show of concern her disappearance had caused.

“Oh, you poor dear. It has been a trying day, hasn't it?” She patted the crying girl on her shoulder. “There's soup waiting for you, and then off to bed, I think.” Professor Sprout hustled her into the Castle and toward the grand staircase. “We thought you might not want company just yet.” Hermione shook her head vehemently, and Pomona beamed a comforting smile at her. “It's all ready up in your room.”

The kindly professor gave her one last hug and bustled off, nearly running into Winky, who was floating a large covered tray toward the dungeon stairs. The tray rattled a bit, items under the cover tinkling ominously until the startled little elf recovered herself, sneaking a guilty glance at Hermione before continuing on her way.

The young witch hiccupped another sob and was delivered to Gryffindor Tower with minimum fuss by the moving staircases. She pulled on her favourite kitten print flannel pyjamas, and burrowed under the blankets on her bed, balancing the bowl of chicken soup in her lap.

After she swallowed the last bit of tender carrot, she placed the empty bowl on her nightstand and lay down.

Slag.

Her chin trembled and she rolled to her side, determinedly thinking of Winky’s odd behaviour. Why had the little elf looked guilty? And where had she been going with that tray?

~~~***~~~***~~~

author: pokeystar

beta: bluestocking

Chapter Text

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
Supply Request

Department: Library
Date: 3 December 1994
Contact Elf: Tweeky
Requestor: Irma Pince

Vendor/Supplier: Scrivenshaft's
Received by: Tesher

Stock# 2349738B
Description of item: Filing cabinet, gray, suitable for storing student misconduct reports
Quantity: 2

Stock# 53C40234
Description of item: Parchment squares, tan, pre-printed with lines for recording book check outs
Quantity: 5 boxes

Stock# 63923T39
Description of item: Red ink, permanent, compatible with endura-parchment used for student permanent records
Quantity: 4 bottles

Stock# 650239S
Description of item: Quill, standard size, standard color
Quantity: 2

Stock# 3495W93
Description of item: Dragon hide gloves, women's size small, approved for handling of Grade B Dark Arts volumes
Quantity: 1

Stock# 72343Q32
Description of item: Ever-rapping ruler, reinforced hardwood, draconian punishment model
Quantity: 3

~~~***~~~***~~~

author: slytherinlaurel

Chapter Text

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
House Elf Work Order

Date: October 31, 1991

Time: 07:15:00 PM

Reporting Professor Name: Minerva McGonagall

Location House-elf Needed: Second floor girl's bathroom

Action Required: total remodel

Magic Used, if Any: Wingardium Leviosa

Student(s) Involved: Harry Potter, Ronald Weasley, Hermione Granger

Additional Comments: Several sinks irretrievably damaged by troll's club; art deco floor tiles shattered by troll's fall and calcified troll bogies are smeared over most of the north wall, which are notoriously difficult to get rid of, once hardened. May require a Potion-based cleanser of some sort – please consult Professor Snape.

House-elf or Elves Assigned: Woody, Ophy

Time Completed: 11:35:00 PM

~~~***~~~***~~~

author: pokeystar

Chapter Text

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
Staff Meeting Agenda/Minutes

Meeting: 15 September, 1997
10:00 am to 11:00 am
Kitchens
Facilitator- Head Elf Jammy

What (agenda Item): Smears in the Headmaster’s Office
Who (which elf added it/presenting): Beffey
How*: A
Action Taken (minutes notes): Beffey informs Bluey that he found black smears on the floor of Master Headmaster’s Office close to opposing walls. Bluey is to clean better. Dirty floor is a disgrace to Hogwarts.

What (agenda Item): Headmaster’s shoes
Who (which elf added it/presenting): Bluey
How*: A
Action Taken (minutes notes): Bluey informs Beffey that the black smears are shoe polish, and she cleaned them just this morning. Beffey should polish the vamp not the sole.

What (agenda Item): Grammar
Who (which elf added it/presenting): Jammy
How*: I-A
Action Taken (minutes notes): Jammy says that Master Headmaster needs not his soles polished. The smears on his soul cause the pacing that makes smears on his floor.

What (agenda Item): Discussion
Who (which elf added it/presenting): Wordie
How*: D/P
Action Taken (minutes notes): Wordie suggests we move bickering to discussion. We says no. Master Headmaster is Action.

What (agenda Item): Master Headmaster’s soul
Who (which elf added it/presenting): Neity
How*: A
Action Taken (minutes notes): Neity suggests elves bring Master Headmaster nice cup of tea, so he thinks up nicer punishments for students than Masters Carrows.

*How code A -Action Item D/P -Discussion/Planning
I-A Information - Announcement I-H -Information – Handout

~~~***~~~***~~~

author: nata

Chapter Text

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
Staff Information Form

School Term: Winter 1991
Name: Pomona Sprout
Subject: Herbology
Additional Duties: Head of House Hufflepuff
Location of Quarters: Dungeon 1
Location of Office/Classroom: Greenhouse One

Best Cleaning Times: at night

Classroom Cleaning Notes: see work order for Greenhouses

Office Cleaning Notes: Keep mud-remover well stocked

Quarters Cleaning Notes: Don't remove bottles with stinking liquid, could be special fertilizer mix.

Laundry Preferences: Extra strength detergent with added mud remover

Items to treat CAREFULLY: The plants. All of them. Even the onses that look dead. Especially those.

Favourite Foods: Apple pie, steamed vegetables, potatoes

Disliked Foods: seafood

Tea Preferences: Darjeeling Jungpana, 2nd flush

Typical Punishment: lecturing on the delicacy of tender shoots

Number of Punishments Administered: 247

Typical causes for punishment: Watering the plants too much or too little, refusing to retrieve fertilizer

Number of Clothes Threats: 0

When to Avoid: The night before school starts, during Mandrake potting and harvesting time, when the Venomous Tentacula gets pollinated

Additional Notes: Needs Firewhisky after Quidditch games, needs hot cocoa on standby during first months of term

Updated: 26 August 1991

~~~***~~~***~~~

author: sylvanawood

Chapter Text

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
Inter-Castle Memo

Date: 25 January 1999
To: House-elves
cc: Other staff
From: Headmistress Minerva McGonagall
Subject: Elf Labour Contract

Hogwarts Staff and House-elves:

It has come to my attention that certain members of the staff have been issuing orders and punishments outside the parameters set in the newly-arbitrated elf labour contract. I am requesting that all staff members (including elves) review their copies of said contract; particularly sections IV and VII, subsection A-8.

Further violations of said contract will be treated as grounds for dismissal.

In other words, pick up your packages of crystallized pineapple on your own time, or have them delivered by Owl. Also, please remember to treat your colleagues with respect, human or not. We are all magical beings, and therefore worthy of consideration and manners.

Finally, I would like to remind the elves to disregard orders or invectives issued from individuals in the Castle in cases where my explicit wishes contradict them. If you have any questions about this or any other issue, my door is open at your request (via Owl, Floo or Inter-Castle Memo).

Signed

Minerva McGonagall
Headmistress, Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry

~~~***~~~***~~~

author: pokeystar

Chapter Text

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
Supply Request

Department: Housekeeping
Date: 3 December, 1991
Contact Elf: Woody
Requestor: Rubeus Hagrid

Received by: Neity

Stock# 34353678
Description of item: Sportsman's Broomstick De-icing Charm Powder
Quantity: 5 kg

Elf Note: Neity still holds her bet with Faller that Hagrid iz using more powder on Gryffindor broomsticks than the others.

Stock# 13412
Description of item: Gift wrap. With stars. And icicles. And fairy lights.
Quantity: 3 rolls

Elf Note: Woody is saying that Master Hagrid wants something extra nice. He is having a gift for Harry Potter.

Stock# 13413
Description of item: Nice sparkly bow.
Quantity: 50 yds

Elf Note: Woody is advising against stretch loop. Last year Master Hagrid was having his beard caught in the stretch loop.

~~~***~~~***~~~

author: sylvanawood

Chapter Text

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
Staff Information Form

School Term: Autumn 1994
Name: Alistor Moody
Subject: Defense Against the Dark Arts
Additional Duties: NA
Location of Quarters: Staff Quarters, chamber 53
Location of Office/Classroom: Floor two, room 56

Best Cleaning Times: Do not clean! Cannot be stated strongly enough! You is likely to be hexed very bad.

Classroom Cleaning Notes: Do not clean! This is most important. Touching anything will cause injury, death or other bad things.

Office Cleaning Notes: Do not clean! This cannot be repeated too often. Professor Moody is most adamant.

Quarters Cleaning Notes: If you is not getting the point yet, you is getting what you deserves. Make out will first.

Laundry Preferences: Does own laundry. Claims possibility of assassination through laundry soap.

Items to treat CAREFULLY: Everything. Dustbins may kill you if you tries to empty them. Melthy was nearly killed by a dust bunny. Melthy is fairly certain there is a dragon chained up in his chest.

Favourite Foods: Nothing that Melthy can find. He sniffs everything like is poisoned.

Disliked Foods: Everything. Nothing. Hard to tell.

Tea Preferences: No tea. Drinks bad things from flask.

Typical Punishment: If we is going into his rooms while he is sleeping, we is getting jinxed, hexed, and hit over heads with frying pans, boot (he is having only one), and chamber pot into the bargain. This is being on a good day. Is not smart idea to make Professor Moody upset.

Number of Punishments Administered: We has stopped counting after sixteen dozen. We is learning, when Professor Moody says he does not want our help, he is meaning it, not being modest or nice.

Typical causes for punishment: Upsetting Professor Moody is most easy. We is doing it by being visible, by not being visible, by being in room at all, moving things, dusting… He is most creative in reasons for punishment.

Number of Clothes Threats: Is many. We is not arguing. We is not stupid.

When to Avoid: At all times. Is never safe to approach. Give very wide berth if you is knowing what is good for you.

Additional Notes: Professor Moody is sometimes smelling funny and has weird thing he does with tongue licking his teeth. He may be needing to see Madame Pomfrey for chapped lips. We is thinking this be best suggested only through note. Do not be attempting direct contact or you is winding up keeping company with Miss Moaning Myrtle.

Updated:

Spring 1995: Oops. Most embarassing not to be catching this. We was in favor of throwing ourselves down the stairs from Gryffindor Tower, but Headmaster Dumbledore is saying we is not to be doing this as he didn't catch it either and would have to do the same thing.

He adds he is too old to be bouncing about on his backside. Please to be noting that all new professors' belongings is to be checked upon arrival for imprisoned wizards or witches and that funny smell is Polyjuice Potion and is needing to be reported.

~~~***~~~***~~~

author: Meltha

Chapter Text

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
Inter-Castle Memo

Date: 25 May 1996
To: House-elves
From: Flitty
Subject: Professor Umbridge

Attention elveses:

Headmaster Dumbledore says we is to be packing Professor Umbridge's things. Alls of them, even the blood quillses and the hair bows and mean kitties plates. And then we is to be sending the trunks on the Hogmeade train. Theys is to be picked up in London by Ministry wizards.

Horseymen be taking Toad Lady and now she never to be coming backs. No more extra starchses and ironing fingers. No more mean kitties scratching us when we is dusting. No more Fudge-dear Flooing and gettings his ashes everywhere. And no more Weasley Twins to be cleaning up after anymore either.

Peejy says butterbeer for all elves in kitchens after students be boarding the train.

Yayses!

Pink Toad Lady is gone for goods!

Signed

Flitty

~~~***~~~***~~~

author: pokeystar

Chapter Text

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
House Elf Work Order

Date: 18 March 1994

Time: 3:00 a.m.

Reporting Professor Name: Professor Lupin

Location House-elf Needed: Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom

Action Required: Furniture to be moved, specifically wardrobe

Magic Used, if Any: Anti-Boggart charms, locking spell

Student(s) Involved: Second Years

Additional Comments: Professor Lupin is to be done using Boggart for his lessons and needs it returned to safe keeping in Ministry's place for bad creatures. Is necessary to do now as student Neville Longbottom was caught sneaking in room, wanting to try again and accidentally released Boggart, which floated to Hufflepuff dormitory and scared three Firsties, who thoughts they was seeing a vampire, a rabid tiger, and something called a Freddy Kruger. Rug is needing cleaning as well.

House-elf or Elves Assigned: Melthy, Cullie, Dahler, and Wandy

House-elf or Elves Comments: Boggart is extra cranky from being in wardrobe so long; suggest needs to stretch non-legs more often

Time Completed: 4:30 p.m.

~~~***~~~***~~~

author: Meltha

Chapter Text

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
Inter-Castle Memo

Date: 10 July 1991
To: Hogwarts Staff
cc: House-elves
From: Headmaster Dumbledore
Subject: Lemon…er thingies

It has come to my… er…attention. It has come to my attention that the lemon sherberts I keep in my… room. Office. In my office have been… messed with. Compromised.

Deputy Headmistress Scottish Lady suspects a Forgetfulness drink. Er, potion. Potions master Sev… Big Nose… Snape! Severus, I will have a … short, big-eared helper deliver a sample of yellow doohickies for you to whatumacallit? Analyze! Do not eat the yellow doohickies. Wait. You don’t like the yellow doohickies, do you? Well. Do not injest the doohickies. The yellow ones. The black ones are okay, as long as they don’t bite you first.

Minerva suspects they have been soaked in, er… Forgetfulness potion. Er, drink. No—potion! Forgetfulness potion. The yellow ones—the lemon doohickies. Right. That’s it. The lemon sher…There was something else though. What was it? Owls. Don’t feed the lemon sherberts to the owls. No, that’s silly. They don’t like lemon sherberts either. Like Big Nose. And if they ate the yellow doohickies, they’d forget to deliver the student letters. Student letters!

I must send out the student letters. Harry Potter will be at Hogwarts this year. No lemon doohickies for him. They’re soaked in Forgetfulness potion. Severus, I will have a … short, big-eared … Elf! deliver a sample of yellow doohickies for you to whatumacallit? Analyze! Do not eat the yellow doohickies. Wait. You don’t like the yellow doohickies, do you? Well. Do not lick the doohickies. The yellow ones. The black ones are okay, as long as they don’t bite you first.

Signed

Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore
Headmaster, Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry

~~~***~~~***~~~

author: pokeystar

Chapter Text

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
Staff Information Form

School Term: Spring 1996

Name: Severus Snape

Subject: Potions

Additional Duties: Head of Slytherin House, brewing potions for infirmary, harvesting Potions ingredients, healing curses

Location of Quarters: Dungeon, behind portrait of Boris the Bloody-Minded

Location of Office/Classroom: Dungeon Four

Best Cleaning Times: Late night, while he is making rounds or sneaking out of the castle.

Classroom Cleaning Notes: Always use gloves; no touching potions spills with bare fingers!

Office Cleaning Notes: Keep specimen jars dusted and polished and refill red ink daily. Fire must be kept burning in winter. NOTE: Potions Storage Cupboard is warded against Mistress Umbridge, so if she is requesting Potions, we is NOT to be fetching them for her. Tell Professor Snape; he is having special potions set aside for her.

Quarters Cleaning Notes: Watch out for book piles on the floor. Keep bookshelves dusted, but don't rearrange. See note on pillows below.

Laundry Preferences: Stain Resist AND Fireproofing Charms (very important) on all clothes, including cloak; Billowing Charm on teaching robes. Keep white clothes and black clothes SEPARATE. NOTE: Special robes is made of different black fabric, very heavy, and they is often needing special handling, especially blood removal. We is to pretend to not notice these robes or what they is for. Never mention them to Professor Snape.

Items to treat CAREFULLY: All books must be left as they is! Shiny silver bowl in office is not to be touched, ever; is full of private thoughts and memories. We is not to spill or share them! Also, NEVER touch shiny mask in wardrobe or mention it to anybody. We is to pretend we is not seeing it.

Favourite Foods: Roast beef, Yorkshire pudding, sticky toffee pudding, Elf-made red wine. (Note: He is drinking even more Firewhisky this year, especially when he is coming back very late after sneaking off the grounds. Don't refill decanter more than once a week.)

Disliked Foods: Cabbage, beans on toast, pumpkin juice

Tea Preferences: Lapsang Souchong, no milk or sugar. (When he is coming back late at night, add five drops Calming Compound to pot. He is not noticing, and then he is relaxing more.)

Typical Punishment: Shouting, throwing things, threatening to put elves in specimen jars, telling elves to get out.

Number of Punishments Administered: 2006

Typical causes for punishment: Mentioning Harry Potter or Remedial Potions, mentioning Mistress Umbridge, touching Potions ingredients without gloves, losing his page in his books, washing black and white clothes together, cleaning or breathing too loud when Professor Snape has been out late the night before. (NOTE: He is grouchiest he has ever been. Proceed with caution.)

Number of Clothes Threats: 925 (But he is still not giving them.)

When to Avoid: Early morning, after classes, before he is drinking his tea, after he is talking to the Headmaster or Mistress Umbridge, after he is teaching classes with Harry Potter in them. ESPECIALLY avoid after he is rubbing his arm and making grouchy faces, or else after he has been giving Harry Potter Remedial Potions lessons.

Additional Notes: We is to continue adding Sweet Dreams charms to his pillows, and also to his blanket. (Is needing three snaps each.) When he is coming back late at night from off the grounds, we is to be watching him carefully and alerting Matron if robes is bloody. If robes is clean, bring him pot of tea, prepared as above, and fetch Potions if he is needing them.

Updated: April 2, 1996

~~~***~~~***~~~

author: bluestocking

Chapter Text

Interlude February 1999

Bah, Hermione thought and smiled wryly to herself. She sounded just like Professor Snape. Valentine's Day. A crass commercial exploitation of sentiment guaranteed to send the lonely into a tailspin of self-pity. Except she wasn't lonely. She had plenty of lovely friends and a full plate of revision besides. It hardly mattered that nothing had come in the post for her that day.

She turned her attention back to the advanced text on Charms open on her desk, barely registering Ginny's dreamy entrance into their shared dorm room. The redhead clutched a pink envelope and poorly wrapped parchment box to her chest as she wandered over to Hermione's bed and collapsed in a boneless heap onto the bright red duvet embroidered with griffins in shiny gold thread.

“That good, hmmm?” Hermione murmured, most of her attention focused on mastering the wand movement of an intricate healing charm.

Ginny sighed and waved a bit of parchment at her. “Harry sent this for you.”

“What does it say?” Hermione asked, practising a complicated figure eight in the air in front of her, using just her hand.

“That he misses you and that Ronald is still upset.” Ginny frowned up at the parchment she held over her face.

“Good for him.” Hermione sniffed. He could be upset until Crumple-Horned Snorkacks were discovered, for all she cared. “I miss Harry, too. I'll write him tonight.”

Ginny sat up and eyed her stubborn friend. “He'll be sorry as soon as his senses kick back in.”

“He always is,” she replied lightly.

Ginny wasn't fooled. “You're not forgiving him this time,” she stated.

“I might. Because it will be awkward otherwise, especially with you and Harry,” said Hermione. “But I won't forget. I don't think we'll ever be true close friends again.”

“That's more than he deserves,” said Ginny with a shrug. “Mum says you're invited to come to Easter.”

“I think my parents are visiting from Australia,” Hermione said, closing the Charms text.

Thanks to a refined Locator Charm, it had been easy to find her parents and reunite with them once their memories were restored. She just hadn't counted on them falling in love with the laid-back country they now called home. In truth, the distance made maintaining a loving familial relationship possible. She explained everything to them before sending them away, but they were still understandably upset that she had remained behind, after inferring that she would be travelling with them. It promised to be a tense Easter.

“You can bring them with,” replied Ginny. She noticed the file box was open on Hermione's desk. “Read anything interesting lately?”

“Hmm?” Hermione murmured, distracted from her train of thought. She saw that Ginny was looking at the file box. “Oh. Just this memo from a couple of weeks ago.” She joined Ginny on her bed and passed her the scroll of parchment.

Ginny read it quickly and giggled. “Looks like McGonagall is peeved at ol' Sluggy,” she commented, handing the scroll back.

“But did you read that weird bit about her explicit wishes? Wouldn't that be covered in the labour contract?” Hermione asked, pointing to the scroll and tilting it so that Ginny could see.

“Not necessarily. The elves take an oath to the household they serve, right? And the Headmistress is the head of this particular household. So the new contract probably confused the elves if it conflicts with that oath,” Ginny said, tapping the parchment thoughtfully.

“Or someone found a way to bend the oath,” said Hermione. “Like Slughorn.”

“I don't think it's him,” replied Ginny. Her forehead wrinkled. “I mean, there's a direct reference to him already. Unless she's just emphasising is twice.”

“Or closing a loophole,” said Hermione, peering at the parchment closely. “I think I'll ask Winky about it.”

“Why Winky?”

“Because she gave me permission to look at the files...” Hermione's voice trailed off as she lapsed into thought, a spark niggling at the back of her brain. “I saw her at Christmas with a covered tray, going to the dungeons. She looked guilty.”

“Slughorn's rooms are down there, aren't they?” asked Ginny, tossing the parchment aside.

“Yes.” Hermione sighed. “Maybe that was why.” But then she remembered that crystallized pineapple didn't tinkle.

~**~~**~~**~

“Why is Missy to be asking Winky?” The elf peered up at the young witch facing her, eyes opening extra-wide.

“I am trying to understand elf culture,” replied Hermione patiently, almost cajoling.

She had been standing next to the painting of the bowl of fruit for nearly an hour before Winky came out, floating another covered tray in front of her. After two weeks of evasion on the little elf's part, any time Hermione had tried calling Winky to her dorm room. And now she was purposefully playing dumb—Hermione was sure of it—widening her eyes in mock innocence.

Winky nodded her approval. “Elves is to be obeying all orders, unless Headmissy is saying not to.”

“But who is giving orders that contradict the Headmistress's wishes?” Hermione persisted, an edge shading her tone of voice.

The elf just looked up at her, lips set in a straight line, eyes even wider than before.

Hermione wanted to stamp her foot in frustration.

Winky's ears quivered and her frame relaxed as her upper lip curved upwards. “I is being called, Missy. We is talking later.”

Before Hermione could say a word, Winky disappeared with a slight pop.

Damn and blast!

There was definitely something afoot in the Castle, and if the elves were being sneaky...

Hermione bit her lip, deep in thought.

~~~***~~~***~~~

author: pokeystar

beta: bluestocking

Chapter Text

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
Inter-Castle Memo

Date: 18 August, 1993
To: Mr. Argus Filch
cc: House-elves; Dobby
From: Albus Dumbledore
Subject: Chocolate shortage

Mr. Filch,

It has come to my attention that all of Scotland—and magical London as well—is experiencing a chocolate shortage. With the increase in Dementor activity, this should not be a surprise. Nonetheless, it has caught Hogwarts slightly off-guard. As a result, Argus, I require you to venture into Muggle London to fill our various supply requests.

Dobby will accompany you to the Tesco. He is familiar with Muggle culture and can guide you through the intricacies of your mission. You will also be provided with Muggle money and charmed feather-light bottomless bags to carry the chocolate back to Hogwarts.

I have given Dobby a HEWO for the task; keeping your various other duties in mind, this assignment should be completed as soon as possible. Especially as I am sure this source of chocolate will occur to other wizarding folk soon.

Thank you for your cooperation, Argus. You are a highly valued member of the Hogwarts team.

Signed

Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore
Headmaster, Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry

~~~***~~~***~~~

author: pokeystar

Chapter Text

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
Supply Request

Department: Kitchens
Date: 10 September, 1991
Contact Elf: Woody
Requestor: Rubeus Hagrid
Received by: Cullie

Stock# 1322456
Description of item: Dog food. I need a bit more this year, can't tell yeh why.
Quantity: 150 pounds

Stock# 223
Description of item: Flour. Invited Harry over. Want to make rock cakes. Do yeh want some?
Quantity: 5 pounds

Elf note: Cullie haz tried one when we haz harvested nettles. Elves do not want.

Stock# 1b
Description of item: Tea - the loose variety
Quantity: 1 tin

Stock# 224
Description of item: Sugar. For the rock cakes. And the tea.
Quantity: 1 pound

Stock# 225
Description of item: Eggs. For the rock cakes.
Quantity: 10 % - nah, make that a dozen. Got yeh there for a moment, didn't I?

Elf note: Hagrid iz a funny man.

~~~***~~~***~~~

author: sylvanawood

Chapter Text

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
Staff Information Form

School Term: 1991 – 1992

Name: Rolanda Hooch

Subject: Flight Instructor

Additional Duties: Quidditch Referee

Location of Quarters: None

Location of Office/Classroom: Office, Locker Rooms, Quidditch Pitch

Quarters Cleaning Notes: Madam Hooch is not living at Hogwarts.

Laundry Preferences: Quidditch robes have water-repelling charm. We is to be removing this before washing.

Items to treat CAREFULLY: VERY IMPORTANT: Fiddly warns to not open large case Madam Hooch is keeping underneath her desk. Especially if it moves.

Favourite Foods: Sugar quills, kept in a tin in the bottom drawer of Madam Hooch's desk. Meals not being taken at Hogwarts.

Disliked Foods: Madam Hooch is not liking bacon.

Tea Preferences: No creams and sugars. Madam Hooch is liking her tea plain.

Typical Punishment: Yelling and sending away

Number of Punishments Administered: 2

Typical causes for punishment: Madam Hooch is not liking to be bothered when she is listening to Quidditch games that are being on the talky-box.

Number of Clothes Threats: 0

When to Avoid: Directly before or after Quidditch games. Madam Hooch becomes very excited about Quidditch.

Additional Notes: Madam Hooch requests cleaning times of locker rooms be staggered. We is to be deterring students from using space for things students is not supposed to be doing until they are older.

Updated: 25 October 1991

~~~***~~~***~~~

author: JackieJLH

Chapter Text

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
House Elf Work Order

Date: 5 January 1999

Time: 9:35 a.m.

Reporting Professor Name: Poppy Pomfrey

Location House-elf Needed: Bntanc tqrzsna, Udepnfeb

Action Required: Bvtxaffz udcl – bnzv-gnazrenec. Crbxb vetydun; znry unyvinal, snuuvep tqrepnb, jrazvep tqrazb, yvzs nknatvbnb, ruzvevbcnavep entnbbral gfcvfeb reu zfevcfavep tqrazb. Rynacvep zn reu cqn Qnruzvbcanbb cf tqrepnb ve grcvnec'b tfeuvcvfe.

Magic Used, if Any: As needed, see above.

Student(s) Involved: NONE

Additional Comments: Nyinb ran cf uvbanprau rel faunab fa veintcvinb vbbdnu oafz grcvnec.

House-elf or Elves Assigned: Winky, Bluey

House-elf or Elves Comments: Grcvnec vb cf bdppnbcvep cqvepbnb ofa nyinb cf uf cqrc sn vzgfbbvsyn, nine ofa nyinb, sdc jn vb vpefavep qvz.

Time Completed: On going

Elf Notes: Efj cqrc grcvnec vb rjrxbnl, cqnan vb zfan cf sn ufvep ofab reu cf qvzb. Jn vb anhdnbcvep refcqna nyo cf qnyg jvcqb cqn znry unyvinal reu snuuvep tqrepnb. Zrlsn Jfful? Bqn vb cf sn xnngvep hdvncb reu vb pffu nyo. Rybf, jn vb cqvexvep yfcb fo sffxb reu wfdaeryb, reu zrlsn r tqnbb bnc tqraznu cf gyrl fen-bvunbnb. Grcvnec vb rybf jrecvep cf gyrl Tavssrpn, sdc jn vb efc cqvexvep r srsl jvyy yvxn ryy cqn lnyyvep.

~~~***~~~***~~~

author: pokeystar

Decoder found at: http://www.thunk.com/index.cgi

(Hey. I could have been really ebil and not posted the link. Or the actual code.)

Chapter Text

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
Supply Request

Department: Kitchen
Date: 1 December, 1991
Contact Elf: Woody
Requestor: Rubeus Hagrid

Received by: Melthy

Stock# 1322456
Description of item: Dog food. Just like last month, can't tell yeh why.
Quantity: 150 pounds

Elf note: Melthy has seen Fang the other day. He is not pregnant. He is not fat, no more than usual. What is Hagrid doing with all that dog food?

Stock# 2456
Description of item: Owl kibbles. I've a few of the poor blighters injured and wi' ruffled feathers. Need ta nurse 'em back ta health. Helps when I coddle 'em a bit.
Quantity: 5 pounds

Elf note: Hagrid iz being taking on Professor Kettleburn's duties, other than teaching. The professor has not enough fingers left to be pecked at by owlses.

~~~***~~~***~~~

author: sylvanawood

Chapter Text

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
Inter-Castle Memo

Date: 17 August 1993
To: Headmaster Dumbledore
From: Peacher
Subject: Honeyduke's Supply Requests Denied

Dear Headmaster,

Honeyduke's is to be informing us that there is no chocolate to be selling to Hogwarts. They is sold out. Their suppliers is not be having chocolate either. The villagers be stocking up since the Soul Suckies is to be coming because of the crazy-scary Black wizard. They says they is been looking all over Scotland and can'ts find anymore chocolate, so we's elves is thinking and we's decided Filch-sir needs to be on the Hogsmeade train to London and gets the chocolate at Tesco.

Dobby says there be plenty of chocolate there; he saw it whens he be following Harry Potter and the Pinch-Faced Lady last year. We is making feather-light bottomless bags for Filch-sir to be bringing the chocolate back in. Ands Bookie has to be owling Gringott's for the Muggle moneys. This is to be the only ways, Headmaster.

Signed

Peacher the house-elf

~~~***~~~***~~~

author: pokeystar

Chapter Text

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
Staff Information Form

School Term: 1995-1996

Name: Dolores Jane Umbridge

Subject: Defence Against the Dark Arts

Additional Duties: Ministry liason, High Inquistor

Location of Quarters: Third floor, forbidden corridor.

Location of Office/Classroom: Second floor, near Girl's bathroom.

Best Cleaning Times: When's she's to be teaching or ons rounds or consulting with the bad kids squad and Filch-sir or making reports to her Fudge-dear, So's anytime excepting 2 am to 6 am.

Classroom Cleaning Notes: Makes sure you dusts everydays; be extra careful around Professor's chair so's not to be triggering Twins booby traps.

Office Cleaning Notes: Watch out for the plates; kitties are scratchy mean.

Quarters Cleaning Notes: Makes sure everything is lined up perfectly straights and level.

Laundry Preferences: Starches. Lots of starches on everything.

Items to treat CAREFULLY: Mean kitties plates, clothes, underthings, blood quillses, hair bowses.

Favourite Foods: Sauerkraut, liver and onions, lima beans, cockroach clusters.

Disliked Foods: Fish and chips, pizza, hamburgers, grilled cheese, ham butty.

Tea Preferences: Earl Grey with lemon.

Typical Punishment: Iron hands with starch, hangs by ears, sharpens blood quillses with teeth.

Number of Punishments Administered: 712

Typical causes for punishment: Beings in her rooms while she is to be getting Fudge-dear Floos, not lining up things correctly, scolding kitties.

Number of Clothes Threats: 436; but Headmaster is vanishing thems right aways.

When to Avoid: As much as elves can.

Additional Notes: If Fudge-dear Floos when she is to be on rounds, be sure to take a message. Headmaster is reminding elves that Niffler removal is not to be elves' duties.

Updated: 30 October 1995

~~~***~~~***~~~

author: pokeystar

Chapter Text

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
House Elf Work Order

Date: 2 September, 1997

Time: 17:47

Reporting Professor Name: Alecto Carrow

Location House-elf Needed: My quarters

Action Required: Setting up cleaning conditions

Magic Used, if Any: Assortment of dueling jinxes and hexes

Student(s) Involved: None

Additional Comments: My quarters will be cleaned only and exclusively at times when I request service. No cleaning, dusting, washing, laundry is to be done when I am not present at my quarters. I require a sturdy elf with good endurance. The elf will serve me best as a dueling dummy.

Consider it an honour and treat that a creature like you could help hone my skills and as extension will better Hogwarts by providing additional inspiration for student punishments and improve their behaviour and by extension help our Lord fix the wizarding world and - Yes, just make sure you turn up when I say so.

House-elf or Elves Assigned: Neity

Time Completed: 18:01

~~~***~~~***~~~

author: nata

Chapter Text

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
Inter-Castle Memo

Date: 25 May, 1992
To: House-elves
From: Hagrid
Subject: Chicken

Mates,

Your idea that I keep me own chicken for the eggs was great. The hen I bought was doing her job and now the chicks have arrived. Will have ta do it again soon, though. In this bunch, I had 5 roosters. Five! That's not giving us many eggs, with only three little hens there. But the little buggers are very cute. They follow me around wherever I go. I better get some wire for a chicken coop.

Or maybe three hens are enough? I don't need so many eggs no more. Nor so much meat. Are you wanting eggs for the kitchens? I'm not gonna give you those roosters for Sunday roast. They're my friends.

Signed

Rubeus Hagrid, Groundskeeper
Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry

~~~***~~~***~~~

author: sylvanawood

Chapter Text

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
Supply Request

Department: Defense Against the Dark Arts
Date: 1 September, 1993
Contact Elf: Melthy
Requestor: Professor R. J. Lupin

Received by: Voxy

Stock# 48219
Description of item: Honeydukes chocolate to be used for Dementor curative
Qauntity: Thirty-seven (37) cases, at twenty (20) bars per case, coming to total of 7400 bars of chocolate

Description of item: steaks, prefers Angus, cooked medium rare
Quantity: Three (3) per week excepting week of full moon when six required

Description of item: Grindylow Chow, both crunchy and moist varieties
Quantity: he will be needing one (1) bag per week; most important as hungry Grindylows become cranky and start eyeing elves in inappropriately hungry manner

Description of item: candles in the shape of human vertebraes
Quantity: four dozen (48); we is not asking why, Prof. Lupin's decorating tastes is his own affair

Description of item: large wardrobe; please to be noting that this should be checked to be sure is not vanishing cabinet or passage to strange country with talking lion. One of the fifteen wardrobes left by Professor Lockhart most likely suitable
Quantity: one (1)

Description of item: fingerless gloves, better knit, for to be keeping handses warm while working with dark or slimey creatures, prefers grey
Quantity: Two (2) pairs so when one is in wash other still available

Description of item: phonograph for to be playing Muggle jazz records on; nice side benefit, when Professor Lupin is out, music can be put on and makes good beat for cleaning to
Quantity: one (1)

~~~***~~~***~~~

author: Meltha

Chapter Text

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
Staff Information Form

School Term: Winter 1997

Name: Severus Snape

Subject: Defence Against the Dark Arts

Additional Duties: Head of Slytherin House, brewing potions for infirmary, harvesting Potions ingredients, healing curses

Location of Quarters: Dungeon, behind portrait of Boris the Bloody-Minded

Location of Office/Classroom: Classroom 427, Fourth Floor, East Wing; office is unchanged, in Dungeon 4.

Best Cleaning Times: Late night, while he is making rounds or sneaking out of the castle.

Classroom Cleaning Notes: Put desks back in straight lines if they has been moved for duelling practice. Straighten yucky pictures on walls and dust Wyvern skeleton regularly. Keep drapes closed.

Office Cleaning Notes: Keep specimen jars dusted and polished (he is still keeping them) and refill red ink daily. Fire must be kept burning in winter.

Quarters Cleaning Notes: Watch out for book piles on the floor. Keep bookshelves dusted, but don't rearrange.

Laundry Preferences: Billowing Charm on teaching robes. Keep white clothes and black clothes SEPARATE. Also, clothes is getting flappy because Professor Snape is not eating enough; use Resizing Charms when necessary. NOTE: Special robes is made of different black fabric, very heavy, and they is often needing special handling, especially blood removal. We is to pretend to not notice these robes or what they is for. Never mention them to Professor Snape.

Items to treat CAREFULLY: All books must be left as they is! Also, NEVER touch shiny mask in wardrobe or mention it to anybody. We is to pretend we is not seeing it.

Favourite Foods: Roast beef, Yorkshire pudding, sticky toffee pudding, Elf-made red wine. (Note: He is drinking too much Firewhisky this year, especially when he is talking to the Headmaster. Don't refill decanter more than once a week.) (Note 2: He is only picking at his foods, so we is bringing trays to office and quarters to encourage him.)

Disliked Foods: Cabbage, beans on toast, pumpkin juice

Tea Preferences: Lapsang Souchong, no milk or sugar. (When he is coming back late at night, add eight drops Calming Compound to pot. He is not noticing, and then he is relaxing more. NOTE: higher dose this year.)

Typical Punishment: Shouting, throwing things, telling elves to get out.

Number of Punishments Administered: 2321

Typical causes for punishment: Mentioning Harry Potter or Draco Malfoy, mentioning the Headmaster, losing his page in his books, washing black and white clothes together, cleaning or breathing too loud when Professor Snape has been out late the night before. (NOTE: He is too grouchy and sad. Proceed with caution!)

Number of Clothes Threats: 1054 (But he is still not giving them, except to Dobby, who is wanting them. See memo.)

When to Avoid: Early morning, after classes, before he is drinking his tea, after he is teaching classes with Harry Potter in them. ESPECIALLY avoid after he is rubbing his arm and making grouchy faces, or else after he is talking with the Headmaster or Draco Malfoy.

Additional Notes: When he is coming back late at night from off the grounds, we is to be watching him carefully and alerting Matron if robes is bloody. If robes is clean, bring him pot of tea, prepared as above, and fetch Potions if he is needing them. Sweet Dreams Charms is no longer working, but Voxy is thinking of alternatives. Also, Professor Snape is treating the Headmaster's sickness, so we is to summon him whenever the Headmaster is needing assistance.

Updated: February 22, 1997

~~~***~~~***~~~

author: bluestocking

Chapter Text

Interlude April 1999

“Granger,” Draco greeted her neutrally, a hint of curiosity in his voice, when she sat across from him in the library.

Hermione gave him a distracted smile. “Malfoy.” Pulling parchment, quills, ink, and books from her bag, she arranged them to her satisfaction in the space in front of her and got down to work.

Draco glanced around the large, tome-filled room. As usual, it was empty and quiet on this bright, sunny Saturday morning. He looked back at Granger, wondering if they were about to have the conversation he had been dreading since August. She was flicking the feather of her quill against her cheek, tongue peeping out from between her slightly chapped lips, staring intently at the scroll in front of her.

Maybe she just wanted to make sure she wouldn't be interrupted while writing her essay.

He mentally shrugged and went back to reading his copy of Advanced Potions-Making. He was still virtually persona non grata around the Castle. His own House maintained their distance so as not to acquire that Death Eater taint, and the other students regarded him with suspicion, anger, fear or downright loathing. He deserved far worse, he supposed. Only Goyle ever sat with him in the library or the Great Hall, these days.

On the other hand, he had noticed a distinct rise in Granger's popularity since late February's Hogsmeade weekend, when a third year Hufflepuff had spotted the Weasel snogging Lavender Brown. As soon as it got out that Granger was unattached, she could hardly bat an eyelash without some Ravenclaw or Hufflepuff offering up his prized collection of chocolate frog cards. Even Blaise Zabini looked interested.

And as busy as she was, he couldn't begrudge her seeking respite by sitting across from the school pariah. Only his finely honed Slytherin instincts told him that particular motive wasn't on her colour-coded agenda. After all, if she wanted to escape attention, a simple Cloaking Charm would suffice. He'd seen her use one before.

Returning his attention to his work, he made a few notations on the scroll containing his N.E.W.T. revision outline, and shut the book in front of him, stretching his back and shoulders, arms overhead, before reaching for his Arithmancy text. He froze when Granger softly cleared her throat.

“Malfoy,” she murmured, still staring at the scroll in front of her. “Have you been in the Headmistress's office at all this year?”

Not the question—or accusation, really—he was expecting, but he stiffened nonetheless, thinking she was accusing him of misbehaviour, until the 'at all' penetrated his brain.

“No.” He almost forgot to whisper his response. “Why do you ask?”

Hermione sighed. “Because I have, and there's no portrait of Headmaster Snape.” She gazed at him, keenly awaiting his reply.

He shrugged indifferently, pessimism infusing the slight lift in his shoulders. “Why do you expect there to be one? He wasn't a true Headmaster.”

Her snort was indignant. That surprised him a bit. Potter's loathing for the man hadn't been a secret, after all.

“The Castle and the elves say differently,” she retorted in a hiss.

“How do you know that?” Draco asked, bewildered. Gryffindor's princess was defending the Greasy Git of the dungeons? He had to be dreaming. “You weren't even here last year.”

Her mouth got that prim look it always assumed before she blurted out a correct answer. Up until the Yule Ball, he had yearned to sock it off her face whenever it appeared, despite being brought up not to hit or hex girls. After the ball, he frequently had to suppress the urge to suck it off, revulsion demanding he deny his attraction to any Muggleborn witch. He didn't feel revulsion now. Just flabbergasted fascination.

“For one thing, the Castle allowed him into the Headmaster's Tower. Remember how it blocked Umbridge our fifth year?” He nodded, his eyes glazed as he stared at her mouth. “And, well.” She paused, considering her options and whether he would tell anyone about what she would reveal next. She rather thought not. “Ronald found a file box in the kitchens after the battle. It has all sorts of memos and work orders and things that the elves and staff write. The elves cared for Snape very much.”

“Elves can write?” His utterly monotonous morning was turning more bizarre by the minute.

She frowned. “Yes. They must all use dict-o-quills, I think. The writing is uniformly legible.”

“They could be using a Scripting Spell,” he offered bemusedly.

She nodded absently, and then sharpened her gaze again, waving the thought off with a flick of her wrist. “That's beside the point.”

“Which is?” He was almost ashamed to admit he'd lost track of the conversation.

Hermione huffed in exasperation. “That Snape was a true Headmaster. And all Headmasters get portraits when they die, whether they want them or not, according to my research.” She rushed on, barely pausing to take a breath. “Unless he found a way around that—it means Snape might be alive. I thought maybe you or your father found him in the Shrieking Shack and healed him somehow. Hid him in the Manor or France or a villa in Italy. You could have even shipped him off to America or Australia.”

Bizarre was an understatement.

He had the strangest feeling that his jaw was hanging open.

“But then I read this last night,” she whispered urgently, sliding the scroll across the table to him. “You aced Patterns in Arithmancy, right? It's coded. I couldn't figure it out on my own. I thought we could try together.” He stared down at the jumbled letters, transfixed. “And I checked several layers in the file box, as well, looking for the key. There's lots of coded scrolls, all dated after the first of May last year.”

“It could be about something else,” the sceptic in Draco felt compelled to point out.

The gleam in her eyes was almost unholy. “Two of them were files I'd read before. Uncoded.”

Her gaze was mesmerizing. “What were they?”

“A memo from McGonagall reminding the elves to disregard orders that contradict her wishes.” Her mouth was prim again. “And a supply request for the Infirmary that includes dittany, anti-venom and Phoenix tears.”

Draco sucked in his breath and clenched his chair to keep himself from jumping over the table and kissing her.

He didn't fancy getting slapped again.

~~~***~~~***~~~

author: pokeystar

beta: bluestocking

Chapter Text

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
Inter-Castle Memo

Date: 21 May 1993
To: House-elves
cc: Blinksey
From: Headmaster Dumbledore
Subject: Basilisk

My Friends:

I understand your concern. It is a credit to elves everywhere that you display such conscientious care of the students and staff at Hogwarts.

However, the Basilisk must stay at rest in the Chamber of Secrets. It is, after all, a historical artifact of Salazar Slytherin. In addition to the Parseltongue saftey guard, I will assure that stronger wards will block the Chamber from discovery for now.

Please be assured that no unwary student shall encounter its admittedly dangerous remains until they are needed.

And thank you for reminding, my friends—I need to fill out a work order for the appropriate time.

Signed

Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore
Headmaster, Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry

~~~***~~~***~~~

author: pokeystar

Chapter Text

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
House Elf Work Order

Date: 21 May 1993

Time: 3 pm

Reporting Professor Name: Former Headmaster Dumbledore

Location House-elf Needed: Second floor Girls' bathroom

Action Required: With Headmaster Snape's assistance, on 30 April 1998, please re-ward the snake faucet sink to respond only to Ronald B. Weasley's voice (sample attached). Also, please strip Parseltongue safeguard.

Magic Used, if Any: Ward magic; Disillusionment , if needed. Muffliato might be necessary as well

Student(s) Involved: not applicable

Additional Comments: If Professor Snape questions the validity of this HEWO, give him the Headmaster-Elf password. This HEWO has been imbued with a self-enacting remind set to 29 April 1998.

House-elf or Elves Assigned: Lippy

House-elf or Elves Comments: We is needed Disillusion and Muffliato, but it being done. Headmaster mutters bad words while he is being working. Lippy's ears is hurting.

Time Completed: 30 April 1998, 3 am

~~~***~~~***~~~

author: pokeystar

Chapter Text

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
Supply Request

Department: Kitchens
Date: 20 April, 1992
Contact Elf: Woody
Requestor: Rubeus Hagrid

Received by: Lissie

Stock# 13
Description of item: Brandy
Quantity: 50 L

Elf Note: Master Hagrid must have lost his mind

Stock# 25
Description of item: eggs
Quantity: 12 dozens

Elf Note: Woody suspects that Hagrid makes seekrit magical egg liquor and sells it.

Department: House Keeping
Date: 20 April, 1992
Contact Elf: Woody
Requestor: Rubeus Hagrid

Received by: Dragger

Stock# 2537
Description of item: Oven gloves, XXXXXXL
Quantity: 5 pairs

Elf Note: Woody is not knowing what Hagrid wants with 5 pairs. Woody is calling a meeting. Master Hagrid is not looking well.

~~~***~~~***~~~

author: sylvanawood

Chapter Text

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
Staff Information Form

School Term: Winter 1991

Name: Obadiah Kettleburn

Subject: Care of Magical Creatures

Additional Duties: None

Location of Quarters: 2nd floor North Wing

Location of Office/Classroom: Classroom 3, Ground Floor, West Section

Best Cleaning Times: At night.

Classroom Cleaning Notes: Make sure that he is taking all the creatures with him. If you is finding limbs lying around, immediately pack on ice (see supply request Kettleburn 1) and bring to hospital wing. Quickly.

Office Cleaning Notes: Normal routine. Watch out for missing limbs.

Quarters Cleaning Notes: Normal routine.

Laundry Preferences: Stock up on blood remover.

Items to treat CAREFULLY: Anything that moves or looks suspicious, is in a cage, has eyes, has teeth or makes a sound. Anything.

Favourite Foods: Steak, red.

Disliked Foods: Cakes and pasta.

Tea Preferences: 3 fingers Old Ogdens, 1 finger tea, no matter which kind. No milk. Take own fingers for measuring, not his. He isn't having enough left.

Typical Punishment: He wants to feed you to the Thestrals.

Number of Punishments Administered: None

Typical causes for punishment: Not enough Firewhisky in his tea

Number of Clothes Threats: None

When to Avoid: When he feeds his creatures, when he goes into the forest to collect creatures, after classes, after meetings with Hagrid

Additional Notes: When he is calling us as 'material' for his class, we's don't have to do it. It's not part of our duties.

Updated: 1 September, 1991

~~~***~~~***~~~

author: sylvanawood

Chapter Text

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
Inter-Castle Memo

Date: 25 August, 1997
To: Headmaster Severus Snape, pacing seventh floor corridor
From: Neity
Subject: Shackles cleaning.

Dear Headmaster,

We is concerned that Mr. Housekeeper plans to hurt kiddies. We is to clean his shackles. He is wants to give it to the new teachers. We, the house-elves, plead you to stop the greedy man from having fun hurting kiddies. I is to polish clamps and knives and them is scary. Good house-elves take our punishments banging the Entrance Hall door on our fingers or ironing our ears, but them kiddies draw lines. Write lines, I means. We, Neity and friends, wants to save little kiddies.

Signed

Neity

~~~***~~~***~~~
author: nata

Chapter Text

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
Staff Meeting Agenda/Minutes

Meeting: 15 July 1991
10:00 am to 11:00 am
Kitchens
Facilitator - Head Elf Jammy

What (agenda Item): Sherbert Lemons sabotaged
Who (which elf added it/presenting): Blinksey
How*: I-A
Action Taken (minutes notes): Blinksey is announcing someone snuck into Headmaster’s office and soaked his sherbert lemons in Forgetty Potion. Woody snickers and Blinksey gets mad. His ears are red.

He says elves need to remember Harry Potter is coming and wes need to be vigiliant. He sounds like the rolly-eye wizard that visits deputy Headmissy sometimes.

Blinksey also says wes should check the Twinseys pockets whens they get here for the Forgetty Potion. Peejy says it’s summer, and how can the Twinseys be doing pranksies if they’re not here now.

Blinksey just grumbles.

What (agenda Item): Wards
Who (which elf added it/presenting): Blinksey
How*: I-A
Action Taken (minutes notes): Blinksey is saying wes need to strengthen wards for when Harry Potter is here. All elves is to join Headmaster whens he remembers who he is, to magic the wards stronger. Blinksey thinks the Potion is to be wearing off next week.

What (agenda Item): Sorting Hat
Who (which elf added it/presenting): Batty
How*: I-H
Action Taken (minutes notes): Batty says the Sorting Hat is to be complaining abouts how he is dusted. So she is making a diagram to shows Elves how to be dusting Sorting Hats properly. Batty is not drawing very good.

What (agenda Item): Professor Snape
Who (which elf added it/presenting): Bluey
How*: I-A
Action Taken (minutes notes): Bluey is very worried about Professor Snape. She is seeing him near Headmaster’s office a few days ago and he is laughing so hard, he is crying. She says he is never doing that before. She wants know if any Elf sees him eat strawberries recently? She thinks maybe he is being allergic.

*How code A -Action Item D/P -Discussion/Planning
I-A Information - Announcement I-H -Information – Handout

~~~***~~~***~~~

author: pokeystar

Chapter Text

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
Staff Information Form

School Term: Fall 1996

Name: Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore

Subject: Headmaster

Additional Duties: Liaison to Board of Governors; Liaison to Ministry; Is plotting to save wizarding world from You Know Who

Location of Quarters: Headmaster Tower, aboves office

Location of Office/Classroom: Headmaster Tower, remembers to greet gargoyle-theys is easily offended

Best Cleaning Times: During meals; When Headmaster is aways (he is being aways too much)

Classroom Cleaning Notes: Not applicable

Office Cleaning Notes: Bes sure to dust portraits or theys complain about allergies; footprints in carpet where Headmaster is to be pacing requires 5 snaps to Banish. Fire Birdie is singing if elves is feeling lonely, especially befores Poof time. Sorting Hat is always asking for rhyme to orange; is not being rhyme, tell hims elfs jokes to shut hims up.

Quarters Cleaning Notes: Headmaster to be preferring flannel sheets washed in lavender water; bathroom is to bes cleaned daily- especially beard hairs from Trimming Charms

Laundry Preferences: Bathers washed separately- watch outs for lake weeds; robes is to bes steam cleaned – reattach looses spanglies.

Items to treat CAREFULLY: Family pictures; dust under perch is Birdie Ash – do not Banish. If elves is smelling evil on objects, we is not to be touching

Favourite Foods: Sweets, biscuits, pudding

Disliked Foods: Porridge, mushy peas, calamari

Tea Preferences: Earl Grey; Chamomile for bedtime

Typical Punishment: Makes elves listen to jokes; Makes elves takes days off

Number of Punishments Administered: 43

Typical causes for punishment: Banishing Birdie Ash; Serving mushy peas or calamari; moving “special” sweets befores Potions Master is coming to give reports.

Number of Clothes Threats: None; But he is to be leaving sockses everywhere – have Dobby check for thems.

When to Avoid: If Headmaster is making footprints in carpet; when he is looking at family pictures or he is smelling like goats and old mead.

Additional Notes: Headmaster's hand is smelly like bad objects and it is hurting a lot. Changes fasteners on robes so is easier to puts on. Also; bes watching out for Malfoy boy - he is ordered to kill Headmaster. Don't let him.

Updated: 15 November 1996

~~~***~~~***~~~

author: pokeystar

Chapter Text

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
Supply Request

Department: Charms
Date: 31 August 1993
Contact Elf: Dozie
Requestor: Filius Flitwick

Vendor/Supplier: Castle stores, Owlery
Received by: Peejy

Stock# FA-123
Description of item: Clean, fluffy owl feathers – approximately 30 cm in length. For first years Wingardium Leviosa lesson
Quantity: Eighty

Stock# 4566
Description of item: Plump bullfrogs, greyish-green skinned males only. - Do not substitute Toads – for fifth year Silencio lessons
Quantity: Forty-five

Stock# 3217
Description of item: Ravens – gathered in moonlight. Must be extra-talkative; for fifth years Silencio lessons
Quantity: Thirty-six

Stock# 24-508
Description of item: Pillow, down-stuffed. Extra-large with thick firmness. For second year Rictusempra lessons; third year Accio lessons.
Quantity: One hundred and forty

Stock# 10-640
Description of item: Unbreakable glasses; to hold ½ liter liquid. For third year Aguamenti lessons.
Quantity: Eighty

Stock# 32-111
Description of item: Unbreakable bell jars; 8 mm thickness, 15 cm diameter. Fire-proof. For sixth year bluebell flames lessons.
Quantity: Sixty

Elf note: We is having all items in stock except bullfrogs and ravens. Minty, Peejy, and Woody is to be catching them this week.

~~~***~~~***~~~

author: pokeystar

Chapter Text

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
Inter-Castle Memo

Date: 15 October 1995
To: Headmaster Dumbledore
From: Appy
Subject: Come and Go Room

Headmaster,

We elves is noticing there is big increase in using of Come and Go Room.

We is trying to get the Potty Room back, since you is leaving your favourite woolly sockies there by mistake, but someone is being always there now.

Harry Potter and his friends is using it to practise duelling spellses. Professor Trelawney is going to be leaving her empty Sherry bottles in the Room of Lost Things (and she is giving Winky Butterbeer to sneaks her more). We elves has even seen the Pink Toad Lady and her Fudgey-Dear going in there.

We elves is not wanting to know what she is doing in there.

Blinksey is wanting to knows if wes should be doing anything to keeps them all outses?

Signed

Appy the house-elf

~~~***~~~***~~~

author: pokeystar

Chapter Text

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
House Elf Work Order

Date: 6 June, 1994

Time: 23:48

Reporting Professor Name: Albus Dumbledore

Location House-elf Needed: Hogwarts castle and grounds

Action Required: Preventing Professor Sybill Trelawney from leaving Hogwarts for duration of her life unless previously cleared by Albus Dumbledore in form of a written note personally handed to current Head Elf.

Magic Used, if Any: Range of Restriction Charms, Sleep Inducer, Distraction Charms, House-Elf Apparition, or any other means a situation would warrant.

Identity Authorisation on the note; note must be validated each time.

Student(s) Involved: N/A

Additional Comments: This HEWO expands on HEWO #139/1979. Note that Minerva McGonagall and Kingsley Shacklebolt may not issue clearance for Sybill Trelawney from this date onwards and only written note to Head Elf is valid. HEWO #140/1979 pertaining following Sybill Trelawney on her off-Hogwarts activities under Disillusionment Charm remains in effect without changes. Punishment for failing to follow this order is clothes to the whole group of responsible Elves.

House-elf or Elves Assigned: About a dozen elves, to be assigned by internal negotiation. Identities may change with time.

Time Completed: Ongoing project.

~~~***~~~***~~~

author: nata

Chapter Text

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
Staff Information Form

School Term: Autumn 1997

Name: Severus Snape

Subject: Headmaster of Hogwarts

Location of Quarters: Dungeon, behind portrait of Boris the Bloody-Minded (Headmaster Snape is choosing not to be staying in Headmaster's Suite above office.)

Location of Office: Headmaster's Tower (Access from Seventh Floor, behind Gryffin statue. Password is being 'Dumbledore.')

Best Cleaning Times: Late night, while he is making rounds, or when he is away in meetings.

Office Cleaning Notes: Dust all silver thingymabobs and books. Dust portraits of Headmasters and Headmisstresses, but be careful with Headmaster Dippet's portrait (he is liking the tickle of the feather duster in a way elveses is finding disturbing). Polish fake sword weekly. Be careful when dusting Sorting Hat, as it is sometimes biting.

Quarters Cleaning Notes: Watch out for book piles on the floor. Keep bookshelves dusted, but don't rearrange. Make sure box with letters and pictures of pretty red-haired girl is always returned and hidden inside the Headmaster's trunk, just in case.

Laundry Preferences: Billowing Charm on robes and cloak. Keep white clothes and black clothes SEPARATE. Use Resizing Charms when necessary, as Professor Snape is not eating enough and Headmaster is not to be having flappy clothes.

Items to treat CAREFULLY: All things is to be left EXACTLY as they was when Professor Dumbledore was using Headmaster's office, except for books Headmaster Snape is adding to collection. Never touch pensieve or silvery stuff inside; is private. And never, never be revealing location of real Sword of Gryffindor to anybody but Harry Potter, Hermione Granger or Ronald Weasley. (Is behind Professor Dumbledore's portrait.)

Favourite Foods: Roast beef, Yorkshire pudding, sticky toffee pudding, Elf-made red wine. (Note: He is still drinking too much Firewhisky. Don't refill decanter more than once a week.) (Note 2: He is still only picking at his foods, so we is bringing trays to office and quarters to encourage him.)

Disliked Foods: Cabbage, beans on toast, pumpkin juice

Tea Preferences: Lapsang Souchong, no milk or sugar. (In evening, add ten drops Calming Compound to pot. He is not noticing, and then he is relaxing more. NOTE: still higher dose this year.)

Typical Punishment: Shouting, telling elves to get out, putting head in hands and groaning.

Number of Punishments Administered: 2514

Typical causes for punishment: Mentioning Professors Carrow, mentioning the last Headmaster, interrupting him when he is talking to portraits, mentioning things all the other professors is saying about him, losing his page in his books. (Note: he is not actually yelling much at all this year, only looking sad and staring. Elves is scared for him.)

Number of Clothes Threats: 1068 (But he is still not giving them.)

When to Avoid: Early morning, after he is talking to Minister of Magic or Board of Governors, after he is holding staff meetings or talking with Professor McGonagall, while he is looking at letters and pictures of red-haired girl from his special box.

Additional Notes: Bring Migraine Mender potion whenever Headmaster Snape is pinching his nose and making frowny faces; if possible, send Headmaster to bed and snap blankets and pillow with Sweet Dreams Charms (4 snaps each). Also, under Headmaster's orders, elves is not to allow anybody (even teachers) to enter Headmaster's office without his permission, except for Harry Potter, Hermione Granger or Ronald Weasley. The Professors Carrow is NOT to be told the password.

Additional Additional Notes: Special Safe Quarters in Dungeon Four is being prepared without Headmaster's orders. Castle is agreeing to only let in people who is loyal to the Headmaster of Hogwarts; nobody else is entering. Make sure room is being prepared for long residence, with clothes, bed linens, books and medical supplies. (Bluey, Woody and Neity is handling this.) According to Matron, room is needing to have ready supply of bezoars, Blood Replenishing Potion, birdie tears and antivenom; she is having complete list to be followed. (Hecher is in charge of this.) We is having to be prepared to move Headmaster in at any time.

Updated: 28 September 1997

~~~***~~~***~~~

author: bluestocking

Chapter Text

Interlude June 1999, Part One

"We're doing this all wrong," said Draco, as he pushed the stack of parchment aside.

"What do you mean?" asked Hermione, blowing a bit of hair out of her eyes. She looked up from the text she was reading, a finger marking her place on the page.

They were utterly exhausted, having spent most of their "free" evenings chasing down possible locations where the elves might have hidden Snape.

Hermione had even borrowed the Marauder's map, to no avail. The elves didn't show on it; they never had. Additionally, she and Draco had figured out through the process of elimination, that it hadn’t registered any substantial changes to the Castle since 1977. She found it both frustrating and something of a relief that the Map obviously had limits to its abilities.

Draco sighed and ran his hands through his hair. "I mean, even if we do figure out where they stashed him, Snape is not going to be gracious when we barge in on him."

She hated to admit it, but Draco was right. She’d been so wrapped up in the mystery that she forgot to consider the consequences. Somehow, she couldn’t picture the former Headmaster inviting them in for tea.

This called for plotting.

“What should we do?” she asked, squashing the urge to nibble on her lip.

He stared into the middle distance for a few moments and then inhaled deeply before saying, “I think it might be time to cash in on your war-hero status.”

*******

“I suppose you’re wondering why I called you here, Minister?” Headmistress McGonagall asked. At Kingsley’s confused nod, she continued, “Well, I must confess, I am wondering too. It was Miss Granger’s request that we meet—”

She was interrupted by a knock on her study door. Headmaster Dumbledore’s eyes snapped open when Hermione entered the room and sat next to Kingsley, facing his portrait. Her mouth had a distinctly prim and determined look about it.

“Sorry I’m late,” she said. “Harry's on his way.”

Portrait Dumbledore's eyes went from twinkling to laser sharp in a single blink. Headmistress McGonagall looked from the painting of her mentor to the vibrating figure of her protege and back again. She opened her mouth to speak just as the fire flared bright green and Harry stepped out onto the hearth.

“Mr. Potter, welcome,” she said, and Conjured a chair next to Hermione, facing her desk.

“Headmistress, Minister.” He nodded at them and turned to give Hermione a hug before sitting down. “Sir,” he said, acknowledging the fully alert Headmaster.

Dumbledore pursed his lips and steepled his fingers, but remained silent, watching the group gathered with interest.

Hermione cleared her throat nervously. “Thank you all for coming,” she said. “I requested this meeting to discuss Severus Snape.”

Harry and Kingsley looked confused at this announcement; Minerva was startled by it; Dumbledore's demeanour did not change one whit.

Noting their various reactions, she continued, “I realise the Ministry has been busy with reparations, catching fugitive Death Eaters, and rebuilding wizarding England, but it occurred to me the other day that Snape has not been pardoned. Nor has he been rightfully declared a hero for his actions during the War.”

The others gazed at Hermione for long seconds, jaws agape and expressions shamefaced. Except for Dumbledore, who merely looked pleased.

Harry spoke first. “I talked about him in my interview with the Proph—”

“Yes, and we're grateful for that, Harry,” Hermione replied. “That went a long way in changing public opinion. I'd just like for it to be official.”

“I suppose we could remedy the oversight,” rumbled Kingsley in his deep voice, “though I'm not sure what difference it will make to Snape.”

“It would restore some honour and pride to the house of Slytherin,” said Minerva in a quiet, subdued brogue. “There needs to be more unification in our world if we hope to avoid repeating our mistakes in the future.”

Hermione beamed at her. “I agree. We all need to heal and leave divisiveness in the past.”

“May I remind everyone that Slytherin house evacuated entirely rather than stay and fight?” Dumbledore put in mildly.

“And what choice did we give them, Albus?” Minerva returned with heat, before Hermione could open her mouth. “Personally, I must confess I am ashamed of what I said during the Battle.”

“Had you said it any differently, the results would have been the same,” consoled Hermione. She stared at Dumbledore, a spark of accusation in her eyes. “Hogwarts hasn't been fair to the Slytherins for a very long time.”

“It could be argued, Miss Granger,” replied Dumbledore, “that the battle for their allegiance was lost long before you were born.”

“So why bother, right?” Harry growled. “Why give each child in the Castle the benefit of the doubt, kind words, or a fair playing field, when it's obvious they are bad from the start because some moth-eaten bit of centuries-old wool says they are?” His words dripped with disgust as he stood up and started pacing, thoroughly agitated. “What about Peter Pettigrew? Sirius's whole family had been Slytherins—and that stunt he pulled, throwing Snape to the wolves, literally! My own father was a sneaky, malicious bully.” He stopped suddenly and faced Dumbledore's painting. “I told you once, sir, that the Sorting Hat tried to put me in Slytherin. What if I hadn't met Malfoy before the Feast? Would you have written me off as a lost cause, then?”

“No, Harry.” The former Headmaster's voice was laced with pain and protest.

“Why should a prophecy mean different treatment for me?” Harry retorted, unrelenting. “You said that our choices show who we truly are. How could you decide not to offer every child that chance at a choice, to not show them how things could be different, from the start?”

“Young man,” drawled Phineas Nigellus. “There is truth in your words, certainly, harsh as they are.” His gaze encompassed both Harry and Hermione, pinning them to the spot. “But you both need reminding that your Headmaster was merely mortal. And thus, as fallible as yourselves. Furthermore, recriminations do little good, at this point,” he pronounced and smirked down at them with mischievous glee. “It's up to your lot now to make a difference to the future.”

*******

“I solemnly swear I am up to no good.” Draco tapped the Map with his wand, and grinned when ink filled the blank parchment, reflecting the recently reconstructed Castle.

Who knew hanging around builder-elves at the Manor could come in handy?

He felt a twinge or remorse at deceiving Hermione. He considered her a friend now, and even fancied her a bit, hopeless as it was to do so. For one thing, he suspected she was infatuated with Severus Snape. And for another, he liked being rich far too much to risk being disowned for a witch, no matter how beguiling.

Draco turned his attention to the improved map; spotting the name he was looking for, he tracked her movements while eating the ham butty he'd smuggled into his room for lunch.

The meeting was obviously over—Shacklebolt's and Potter's names disappeared from the map; they must've used the Floo—and Hermione 's footprints led to the library. Draco almost laughed out loud. So predictable. She was needlessly worried about her N.E.W.T. scores. He was supposed to meet her there at three to revise for the Arithmancy exam together.

His eye was caught by an unusual sighting in the dungeons. The level four corridor. His quarry was performing exactly as expected. Draco did laugh then, thoroughly pleased with himself. Headmistress McGonagall must have good news indeed, to be visiting his former protector under such risky circumstances. He watched her disappear through what he knew to be a blank stretch of wall near a portrait of the Bloody Baron and smirked.

Well, wasn't that lucky?

He'd cultivated a friendly relationship with all the dungeon portraits and statues while on prefect patrols during his fifth year. It certainly made his duties lighter with several pairs of eyes on watch duty. He'd maintained those relationships through his insomnia-riddled sixth and seventh years to his current eighth year. It had been comforting to find that someone in the Castle besides Goyle was still willing to talk to him after all the horrible things he'd done. Even if the someones were made from oils or slabs of marble. And then Granger had been an unexpected, but pleasant surprise.

He waited until the Headmistress returned to her office, and then slipped out of the Slytherin common room, down a flight of stairs to face the painting he sought.

“Excuse me, sir,” Draco said respectfully, knowing he had one chance to word his request correctly. “Is there a set of unoccupied rooms along this corridor I could use? My roommate's snoring is intolerable.”

The Bloody Baron eyed his young charge with concerned sympathy. All the dungeon portraits were long acquainted with the younger Malfoy's poor sleep patterns. “Unfortunately not unoccupied at present—but maybe in a few days...”

Draco's eyes glinted with mischief. “I don't suppose I could have the password now?”

“There isn't a password to be had, young snake,” returned the Baron, with proud affection. “Come back in a few days, and I'll see what I can do.”

“Thank you, Baron,” said Draco and he walked off, turning a corner to duck out of sight.

Stumped, he paced a little back and forth, until he remembered with a start that McGonagall had done the same. Raising his wand, Draco Disillusioned himself and waited impatiently for the Baron to fall into his usual whistling snooze.

It didn't take long, though it seemed a lifetime passed before he heard the familiar “eeeeeeeeeieeeeee-hoooooo-hoo” he had been waiting for. He crept around the corner and paced along the cut-stone hallway, thinking of nothing save Severus Snape, and his desire to talk with him. After the third pass, a door formed on the wall near the portrait and he slipped through it silently, closing it gently behind him.

~~~***~~~***~~~

author: pokeystar

beta: bluestocking

Chapter Text

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
Inter-Castle Memo

Date: 13 March, 1996
To: Hogwarts House-Elves
From: Headmaster Dumbledore
Subject: Professor Trelawney

Dear House Elves,

Please note that my HEWO #132/1979 as updated in HEWO #6 Jun/1994 is still valid and Hogwarts House-Elves are all subject to this order. This is my personal order not pertaining to my position as Headmaster of Hogwarts nor Professor of Hogwarts. Professor Trelawney needs a special pass to leave Hogwarts personally from me and only me to be handed over to the Head Elf, and unless presented, the House Elves are to detain her on Hogwarts grounds under any circumstances. The incident must be reported immediately.

The punishment for failing to follow this order remains the same. In case, I’m not available to hand out clothes for any reason, use the box under my bed to pick an item yourself.

This order will remain in effect until Professor Trelawney’s death, Tom Riddle’s death or my explicit refutation of the order.

Sincerely yours,

Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore
Headmaster, Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry

~~~***~~~***~~~

author: nata

Chapter Text

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
Staff Meeting Agenda/Minutes

Meeting: 15 March, 1994
10:00 am to 11:00 am
Kitchens
Facilitator - Head Elf Jammy

What (agenda Item): Chorus Toads
Who (which elf added it/presenting): Cera
How*: I/A
Action Taken (minutes notes): Cera is reminding elves that chorus toads is to be eating doxies, not flies. Some elf is to be feeding them flies and flies is bad for magicked toads. They is losing croaks. No, Cera says they is almost croaked.

What (agenda Item): Fluffy
Who (which elf added it/presenting): Melthy
How*: D/P
Action Taken (minutes notes): Melthy is telling elves that Hagrid is trying to be keeping Fluffy on school grounds. In the Castles, since Fluffy is not liking cold or rain. This is being too dangerous for elves and kittys. Mrs. Norris is almost being eaten last night. Voxy is being assigned to find good magical zoo for Fluffy to go live at.

What (agenda Item): Orange squashed-faced kitty
Who (which elf added it/presenting): Bluey
How*: I/A
Action Taken (minutes notes): Bluey is showing elves memo from Filch-sir. He is being very upset because orange squashed-faced kitty is keeping to sniffing after his Mrs. Norris. We elves is not sure how to be keeping Kneazle aways from kitty. We is asking Hagrid and then we talks about it next meeting.

What (agenda Item): Doggy-man
Who (which elf added it/presenting): Neity
How*: I/A
Action Taken (minutes notes): Neity is asking elves that next time we is seeing doggy-man in Castle, we is giving him flea-bath and asking him to be using grass for potties, not the Potion Master's storeroom.

What (agenda Item): Rat-man
Who (which elf added it/presenting): Appy
How*: I/A
Action Taken (minutes notes): Appy is telling Headmaster Dumbledore about bitey rat-man, but he is not listening goods. We is to catch him if we sees him again. Rats isn't allowed in the Castle.

What (agenda Item): Dementors
Who (which elf added it/presenting): Jammy
How*: I/H
Action Taken (minutes notes): Jammy is handing out chocolate and reminding elves to eat some every day. Dobby is forgetting and Blinksey is finding hims fainted on the Quidditch pitch.

Blinksey is saying bes careful out there.

*How code A -Action Item D/P -Discussion/Planning
I-A Information - Announcement I-H -Information – Handout

~~~***~~~***~~~

author: pokeystar

Chapter Text

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
Staff Information Form

School Term: Autumn 1991

Name: Minerva McGonagall

Subject: Transfiguration

Additional Duties: Deputy Headmistress, Head of Gryffindor House

Location of Quarters: Seventh floor, just outside of Gryffindor Tower

Location of Office/Classroom: First floor, west wing, off the main staircase

Best Cleaning Times: Afternoon, after class, while she is taking kitty naps.

Classroom Cleaning Notes: Be careful with improperly Transfigured things, because sometimes they still has teeth! Make sure no writing desks is actually ravens.

Office Cleaning Notes: Refill biscuit tin on desk weekly. (Professor McGonagall is preferring shortbread and Ginger Newts.) Dust mantel and polish Quidditch Cup as needed. Make sure there is always a chair in front of the fire for kitty naps.

Quarters Cleaning Notes: Keep tartan throws on furniture. Keep baskets in bedroom and sitting room for kitty naps. Scoop kitty box in corner when needed, but we is not to be mentioning this directly.

Laundry Preferences: Make sure any kitty hairs is thoroughly removed, and take care that different tartans is not to be mixed when washing.

Items to treat CAREFULLY: Quidditch Cup is to be polished regularly, especially before Professor McGonagall is having a meeting with Professor Snape in her office.

Favourite Foods: Smoked salmon, kippers, haggis, mushy peas, Gillywater

Disliked Foods: Tripe

Tea Preferences: Scottish Breakfast, with lemon during daytime and with single malt whisky at night.

Typical Punishment: Sends away or scolds

Number of Punishments Administered: 197

Typical causes for punishment: Mentioning kitty box

Number of Clothes Threats: None

When to Avoid: After she is speaking to Professor Trelawney, after Gryffindor is losing Quidditch game, when she is a hissy kitty and her tail is twitching.

Additional Notes: When Professor McGonagall is being a kitty, she is liking a plate of kippers and a bowl of cream.

Updated: 3 November, 1992

~~~***~~~***~~~

author: bluestocking

Chapter Text

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
Supply Request

Department: Potions Research
Date: 11 October, 2001
Contact Elf: Acer
Requestor: Associate Professor Draco Malfoy

Vendor/Supplier: various; see each entry
Received by: Winky

Stock# n/a
Description of item: Exceptionally powerful cellular microscope; consult Miss Hermione Granger c/o Cambridge University for supplier and equipment specifications
Quantity: one

Stock# n/a
Description of item: samples of stem cells; magically extruded from following populations: house-elves, healthy wizards, and nerve-damaged patients at the long-term ward, St Mungo's (St. Mungo's will supply all – agreement stipulates privacy and provision of successful potion)
Quantity: four samples each per subject equaling one gram x 200 individuals

Stock#100-45-Ti
Description of item: Titanium-clad cauldrons size thirty centimeters diameter, grade twelve centimeter thickness; treated with full-strength Containment Charms (supplier: Boise's Cauldrons Imported, on Diagon Alley)
Quantity: ten

Stock# 100-45-Ti-sA
Description of item: Titanium-clad stirring rods; treated with auto-pilot charms and pause feature.
Quantity: twenty

Stock# n/a
Description of item: Flexeril; a Muggle pain management medication that relaxes muscles; consult squib pharmacist Neils Gaimany at Tesco Pharmacy in Notting Hill, London.
Quantity: 120 doses

~~~***~~~***~~~

author: pokeystar

Chapter Text

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
Inter-Castle Memo

Date: January 11, 1997
To: Dobby the house-elf
From: Professor Severus Snape
Subject: Socks

Due to Headmaster Dumbledore's persistent generosity over the years and his penchant for presenting me with gifts of luridly patterned footwear, I now find myself in possession of a large collection of unspeakably ugly woolen socks. Though the collection has grown for some years, I have recently come to the realization that I had been keeping them out of some misguided notions and no longer feel any desire to keep them. They are certainly of no use to me, and I wish to have them removed from my quarters and my life.

I am aware that you possess a singularly perverse temperament for a house-elf where the matter of clothing is concerned, and that you furthermore evince such dubious taste in said clothing that you appreciate even the results of the Granger girl's execrable experiments in knitting. As such, you will no doubt be appropriately suited to removing the socks in question from my quarters, assessing their merits (if indeed they can be said to possess any) and sorting them for appropriate use.

Bin them, burn them, keep them for your personal collection, weave a quilt with the blasted things—I care not. Simply remove all of them from my sight, and I will be satisfied.

Signed

Severus Snape
Professor, Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry

~~~***~~~***~~~

author: bluestocking

Chapter Text

Hopeful grey eyes roamed over the cozy room, observing rumpled bedclothes and a nightstand covered in potion bottles, the thick woven wool rug underfoot and the full floor to ceiling bookshelves lining one wall; the dining table topped with a tray that held the remains of a noontime meal and the fire blazing warmly in its slate-faced hearth; to the figure resting in a overstuffed club chair, bundled in a quilt that appeared to be made of sewn together socks. Brightly-coloured woolly socks. Each blighted by the most hideous patterns known to man.

A nose of considerable size and two snapping coal-black eyes peered at him over the edge of the ugly blanket; Draco's knees nearly collapsed in relief at the sight. His mouth dropped open. She'd been right. Sweet Circe's naughty knickers. She was right about everything.

“Do sit, Mr. Malfoy,” Severus Snape croaked, tilting his head at the chair opposite him. “I have some questions for you.”

“You're alive,” Draco managed to utter as he fell into the chair. He thrust his shaking hands toward the fire.

“Obviously,” Severus growled. “Why did Miss Granger seek a pardon for me?”

“I told her to,” admitted Draco. “I owe you a life debt, sir, and it seemed the best way to flush you out of the woodwork. We've been trying to find you for months.” The shock was wearing off, so he stopped babbling.

“Everyone is remarkably solicitous of me as of late,” Severus muttered in a suspicious tone. “Minerva offered me leave to stay as long as I like. I may even have my position back.”

“You're going to be declared a hero. With an Order of Merlin, even.” Draco shrugged at Severus's sharp look of astonishment. “Potter's already given interviews praising your actions during the War.”

Severus snorted, then coughed, hard and long, wheezing for breath as he struggled to recover. He picked up a cup and took a sip of tea, before setting it down again beside a book on the small table to the right of his chair.

“How did you find out I survived?” he asked roughly.

“Granger's been reading the house-elf files.” Draco grinned at Severus's frown of disapproval. “With their permission, of course.”

“Interfering, namby-pamby, cheerful, bat-eared watchdogs...” Severus grumbled and rolled his eyes. “I suppose I'll have to thank her.”

Draco nodded slowly, his eyes turning serious. “Please go careful there, sir. She's been a good friend to me lately.”

“You must be joking,” Severus wheezed out, looking a little panicked. The thought of that bushy-haired buck-toothed menace admiring him. And Draco Malfoy, protecting her. It was inconceivable.

The younger Malfoy merely grinned at him in answer.

*******

When she returned to her room that evening after dinner, Winky was waiting for her.

“Young Miss is to come with me,” the little elf squeaked, holding out her hand for Hermione to clasp.

Draco was right!

She put a trembling hand in the little elf's and closed her eyes, holding her breath.

When she opened them, she was standing in front of a living, breathing, scowling Severus Snape. Seated in a club chair and covered in the ugliest quilt she'd ever seen.

And those elves dared to complain about her knitting skills!

“Hello, sir.” Her voice was soft, almost musical to his ears.

His scowl lessened marginally. “Thank you for the pardon, Miss Granger,” he grumbled. “I suppose I owe you a life debt, now.”

“Do you really think so?” she asked, dismay filling her whisky-coloured eyes with tears. “That wasn't my intention at all, sir. I wanted repay you, somehow—”

He raised an eyebrow and she ceased babbling abruptly.

“I'm sorry, Miss Granger. Gratitude is not a familiar state for me. I merely meant to ask if there is any way I can repay your thoughtfulness. I'm uncomfortable being beholden to people, you see,” he explained quietly.

“Of course!” she cried. “I wouldn't want you feeling that way.” she bit her lip to keep from saying 'anymore'. “Only—” She paused to look at him earnestly. “What do you intend to do once you've recovered, sir?”

“Professor Slughorn is retiring again next year. I am considering taking my old position back on the condition that Draco serves as my apprentice, so that I may have time for research.”

Her eyes lit up at his last uttered word. He found himself amused rather than annoyed by it. Which was something to ponder. She seemed less tenacious, somehow. More accepting and courteous. He shoved aside his thoughts as she began to speak.

“Do you have a specific project in mind?”

“Not at present,” he replied with a hint of curiosity. He could practically see the wheels spinning in her brain.

“I wonder if a cure for the aftereffects of the Cruciatus might be possible,” she murmured, almost to herself.

“That is a most worthy course of experimentation,” he said. “I'm sure that Draco would be willing to assist, as well.”

She smiled brightly. She could write Draco, and offer her help, if she wasn't too busy with school...

“And I understand you'll be attending University,” he commented, looking pleased. “I'd be glad to have access to Muggle medical research.”

She beamed at him, the pleasure transforming her face so completely it almost took his breath away. When had she grown up so?

“I'd like to help, sir,” Hermione replied.

~~~***~~~***~~~

author: pokeystar

beta: bluestocking

Chapter Text

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
House Elf Work Order

Date: 5 September, 1999

Time: 11 a.m.

Reporting Professor Name: Associate Professor Draco Malfoy

Location House-elf Needed: Dungeons - Potions Classroom

Action Required: Exploded cauldron (AGAIN); full room Scourgify required (AGAIN); please pay special attention to cracks in stone floor and the undersides of students' desks (AGAIN). Old chewing gum wads are especially frisky (AGAIN). Use of dragon hide gloves advised.

Magic Used, if Any: None previously known to wizardingkind. Even Snape is in awe and just a little terrified. I nearly pissed my pants. Must remember to project Penseive memories at the next staff meeting (AGAIN).

Student(s) Involved: Marshall Blixby (AGAIN), first year Ravenclaw who makes Neville Longbottom look competent. No. Strike that. Marshall Blixby, who makes Neville Longbottom look gifted in Potions.

Additional Comments: Do not Banish vials full of rainbow-coloured glop. They are samples of Mr. Blixby's work and need to be analysed for posterity's sake. Or if wizardingkind has hopes of surviving Mr. Blixby's learning curve.

House-elf or Elves Assigned: Booky, Blinksey, Fae, Goner

Time Completed: 9 p.m.

Elf Notes: Elves is suggesting a permanent containment field is being cast on Mr. Blixby, (AGAIN).

~~~***~~~***~~~

author: pokeystar

Chapter Text

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
Staff Information Form

School Term: Autumn 1995

Name: Sibyll Patricia Trelawney

Subject: Divination

Additional Duties: None

Location of Quarters: North Tower

Location of Office/Classroom: Office in the North Tower; classroom 11 on ground floor - not used

Best Cleaning Times: Throughout the day except class-time.

Classroom Cleaning Notes: Soggy tea leaves is class material. Search for mucky hankies between chair cushions

Office Cleaning Notes: Never air

Quarters Cleaning Notes: Polish spectacles nightly, use silk cloth and Anti-Refraction Potion. But don’t tell Mistress Seer about Potions! She says she knows but she doesn’t. Mucky hankies under pillows, stack fresh ones.

Laundry Preferences: Shawls must be hand-washed. Mend loose beads. Gitty has extra beads and threads.

Items to treat CAREFULLY: Crystal balls. Heavy and breakable. Mist leaking out meanses you messed up, Elf. Skip to Punishment section.

Favourite Foods: Shepherd’s pie, Yorkshire pudding, bring chocolate biscuits and sherry after class inspected by Mistress Pinkie

Disliked Foods: Steak and kidney pie

Tea Preferences: Orange, jasmine, anise. Leftover black teas for classroom to be delivered with schedule planner. Always leave loose leaves in cup. Ask Lissie for schedule.

Typical Punishment: Shrieking and throwing card decks at elfses and sending us away before we done cleaning

Number of Punishments Administered: 354

Typical causes for punishment: Cleaning tea cups at daytime, letting mist out of crystal balls, losing shinies in laundry

Number of Clothes Threats: 0

When to Avoid: After third-year Gryffindors class (not valid since spring 1994)

Additional Notes: Report to Master Headmaster when she goes glassy-eyed and talks clear. Do not report death reports in misty voice. Gives hugs, when we brings sherry. Withstand.

Updated: 17 November, 1995

~~~***~~~***~~~

author: nata

Chapter Text

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
Inter-Castle Memo

Date: 24 June, 2003
To: Hogwarts staff
cc: house-elves
From: Deputy Headmaster Severus Snape
Subject: Nerve Regeneration Potion; Cruciatus relief

Colleagues,

I am very pleased to announce that after nearly four years of experimentation and many, many, many long hours spent both in laboratory and libraries, Mr. Malfoy and I are ready to begin clinical trials for the Cruciatus Relief Potion.

It cannot go without saying that we owe a tremendous debt of gratitude to you all; from Miss Granger's and Irma Pince's invaluable research to Headmistress McGonagall's generous provision of funding and space; to expert consultation in the fields of Charms, Defense Against the Dark Arts, Arithmancy, Ancient Runes, Herbology and Care of Magical Creatures. We could not hope to have come this far without all of you.

As we speak, Mr. Malfoy is compiling a list of possible test subjects; both victims of the Cruciatus and a healthy control group are needed. If you know of any viable candidates or volunteers wishing to be included in the trials, please notify him via Owl or Floo.

Thank you again, and have a pleasant summer holiday,

Signed

Severus Snape
Deputy Headmaster, Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry

Draco Malfoy
Associate Professor, Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry

~~~***~~~***~~~

author: pokeystar

Chapter Text

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
Staff Meeting Agenda/Minutes

Meeting: 3 September, 1994
10:00 am to 11:00 am
Kitchens
Facilitator - Head Elf Jammy

What (agenda Item): Lake/ Giant Squid – Annual charms
Who (which elf added it/presenting): Dragger
How*: A
Action Taken (minutes notes): Dragger says we is forgetting to put Do Not Notice Charms on Lake for when Headmaster is "swimming”. Several students is to be treated for shocks and is having Obliviates administered. Also, Merfolks is being concerned with the Grindylows population. They is eating all the weedies on lake bottomses. We is to be asking Snape for birth controls potion for Giant Squid's fishstickses.

What (agenda Item): DADA check for Badness
Who (which elf added it/presenting): Lippy
How*: I-A
Action Taken (minutes notes): We elves- Bluey, Melthy and Peejy- is checking new DADA Professor from list we's made last meeting. He has no smelly turbans, or possessed books. He doesn't likes mirrors much, doesn't howl at moons or change into a rats. We's should be okay this year.

What (agenda Item): Professor McGonagall's Laundry
Who (which elf added it/presenting): Irie
How*: A
Action Taken (minutes notes): Professor McGonagall is to be requesting anti-theft charmses to be renewed on her knickers in laundry – especially the tartan plaids. Make sure the charmses is extra-strong. Headmaster-proof, says Deputy Headmissy.

What (agenda Item): Triwizard Tournament Preparations
Who (which elf added it/presenting): Blinksey
How*: D/P
Action Taken (minutes notes): We is needing to prepare the Meadow for Abraxan horsies and really big carriage. (Abraxan horsies is being pretty big too). We is also needing to put up Warded corrals for dragonses.

What (agenda Item): Triwizard Tournament Preparations
Who (which elf added it/presenting): Gitty
How*: A
Action Taken (minutes notes): We is needing to polish the Triwizard Trophy and take it to Professor Moody for curses checking before we is delivering it to Headmaster for Warding and Age Line.

*How code A -Action Item D/P -Discussion/Planning
I-A Information - Announcement I-H -Information – Handout

~~~***~~~***~~~

author: pokeystar

agenda items one & three were inspired by the “Stop Torturing Sybill Trelawney” and “Tartan Underwear” chapters in “Memos” (found on The On-Line Wizarding Library - OWL archive)

written by the The McGonagrrrls – thanks for the inspiration, grrrls.

Chapter Text

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
Staff Information Form

School Term: 1992-1993

Name: Gilderoy Lockhart

Subject: Defence Against the Dark Arts

Additional Duties: Duelling Club supervisor

Location of Quarters: 2nd Floor, North of Entrance Hall. Portrait of Gwendolyn the Imposter is being near the door.

Location of Office/Classroom: Office is on 2nd Floor, North of Entrance Hall. Classroom is on 1st Floor, North of Entrance Hall.

Best Cleaning Times: During class. Otherwise he is following you around with his shiny teeth and talking about possessed house-elves in Romania. Poor Ophy says you is not wanting to hear these stories. She is still crying whenever she is seeing him.

Classroom Cleaning Notes: We must be keeping the mirrors polished and the portrait of Professor Lockhart dusted. He is angry if his portrait is dusty! Otherwise, he is not caring what his classroom is looking like.

Office Cleaning Notes: We must be dusting his books and keeping his photos and mirrors clean and his chair comfy. His desk photo is being at 45 degrees, facing door. Ask Peejy. She is knowing maths.

Quarters Cleaning Notes: Be very careful with his clothes, and always spell the mirror to be saying nice things or he is pouting.

Laundry Preferences: Clothes is hand-washed with rose-scented soap, air-dried, and pressed. He will be talking to you for hours if there is wrinkles. Shoes is spit-shined.

Items to treat CAREFULLY: Portraits, his books (the others he is not caring so much about), clothes, autographed portrait from Celestina Warbeck.

Favourite Foods: Roast duck, Pate, Belgian (ONLY) chocolate mousse

Disliked Foods: Onions, Fish, anything that is giving him bad breath.

Tea Preferences: He is not wanting normal tea. He is wanting herbal tea, especially the minty kind. He is wanting it very weak, too.

Typical Punishment: Reading his books to you, blinding you with his smile, promising to clean up with charms, talking about adventures

Number of Punishments Administered: Twenty-three, until Pokey is figuring out to clean during class. Now we is having none!

Typical causes for punishment: Not getting his photo signature right, failing to give him compliments, mirrors not shined every 30 minutes.

Number of Clothes Threats: Zero. He is liking his clothes too much.

Additional Notes: Do not be telling the Professor if you's knowing how to write with joined up letters. Then he is wanting you to sign autographs. Poor, poor Bluey. Her wrist is still hurty.

If you is running into Professor Lockhart while you is doing other things, he will be asking for your helps anyways. We is having permission to tell him we is doing chores for the headmaster, even if we isn't.

If Professors Snape and Lockhart is being in the same room, we is getting a work order soon.

Updated: November 3, 1992

~~~***~~~***~~~

author: Pyjamarama

Chapter Text

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
House Elf Work Order

Date: 19 August, 2006

Time: 8 a.m.

Reporting Professor Name: Deputy Headmaster Severus Snape

Location House-elf Needed: Personal quarters

Action Required: Please expand my rooms to accomodate another individual. We shall require a larger kitchenette, with a separate dining room to start. Also, a second study, lined with bookshelves on three walls (a picture window on the fourth, please), a second sink in the master bath, a powder room for guests, and a second wardrobe in the master bedroom.

This work needs to be completed one week before school starts.

Magic Used, if Any: whatever construction charms are deemed necessary

Student(s) Involved: n/a

Additional Comments: Never you mind why or who, you bat-eared hooligans. Do not pester me or my associate professor about this matter during work hours.

House-elf or Elves Assigned: Peppy, Acer, Bluey, Winky

Time Completed: 24 August, 2006

Elf Notes: We is adding extra bedroom, just in case. Can be using for guests, or hobbies or a nursery.

~~~***~~~***~~~

author: pokeystar

Chapter Text

“Did you hears? Did you hears?” Peppy shouted excitedly as she skidded to a halt in the kitchens.

The house-elves’ weekly staff meeting had started ten minutes ago, and as usual, she was late.

“Peppy is not being on agenda,” Jammy scolded. “She is needing to waits for others item, before she is speaking.”

The spirited elf subsided, properly shamed, for a full thirty seconds. She then proceeded to wriggle, sigh, and fidget as several boring agenda items were discussed, dissected, argued, resolved or tabled for future review.

As soon as Jammy announced the others item, her hand shot into the air faster than Weasley's Wizarding Wheezes Fizzbang Firework, and her ears wiggled in anticipation.

“What is you having to say, Peppy?” asked Jammy.

“Professor Snape is requesting his room to be expanded!” Peppy crowed breathlessly, waving the work order over her head as proof.

The room was silent for a split-second and then it exploded in a cacophony of sound that subsided only after Blinksey employed his excellent imitation of a banshee wail. Most of the elves tried to cover their ears, looking miserable. Nodding in a satisfied manner, Blinksey ceded the floor to Jammy.

“Who is wanting to be speaking next?” Jammy inquired. Several hands shot up into the air, vying for her attention. “Winky, you is to be talking now.”

“Missy Granger is to be the new librarian,” Winky said, her ears wiggling happily. “Headmissy is having Winky Owl the offer to her.”

“And Woody is taking Headmissy the answer!” Woody called out. Her ears drooped as several elves frowned at her outburst, until the information she imparted sank in.

Winky nodded. “Missy Granger is to be writing a book, too. Abouts elves. Us Hogwarts elves! She is using files and is wanting to interview elves, too.”

The elves began to whisper amongst themselves, until Jammy realised that Bluey's hand was still in the air. The little elf looked a bit smug.

“Quiet, elves!” she called out in her most authoritarian voice. “Bluey is having something to say.”

“She is not being Miss Granger anymore,” pronounced Bluey. She lifted one ear and paused for dramatic effect. Her neatly pressed tea towel even billowed a bit. “She is being Madame Snape soon!”

“We is having butterbeer toast!” proclaimed Jammy.

When all the house-elves held their elf-sized bottles aloft, she said, “Best wishes being to the new couple and we elves is hoping theres are lots of wizzy babies for elves to looks after.”

“Hear, hear!” cried all the house-elves as one. Their ears wiggled when they felt their wish magic begin to work.

Looking over the HEWO with an expert eye, Winky squeaked, “We elves is best adding a wizzy baby room soon.”

******

Severus looked up from his journal when the fire flared green, and rose up to meet his beloved. She stepped over the hearth gracefully, Banishing Floo ash with a flick of her wand, into the welcoming circle of his arms, to rest her forehead against his chest. He propped his chin on her bushy-haired head and stroked her back with gentle hands from nape to hips.

“Is your Mr. Creevey settled in properly, now?” he asked. The rumble in his chest tickled her nose agreeably.

“Yes, he is. The elves all seem to like Dennis very much,” she replied, and then yawned. “Has Crookshanks come out from under the bed yet?”

“Not as yet,” Severus admitted wryly. “Bluey is going to try opening a tin of kippers next.”

“He'll come out when he's hungry, I'm sure.” Hermione sighed as she tipped her face up for a kiss.

Several moments later, Severus reluctantly let her bottom lip slip from between his teeth with one last nibble, and placed a peck on her upturned nose. “Was it difficult, your last day as chief liaison in the Department for Magical Creature Relations?”

“Not as hard as I thought it might be,” she said in return, stepping away to look around curiously at their newly expanded quarters. “After all, I had coming home to you to look forward to.”

“Shall I give you the tour, Madame Snape?” he asked, holding out a hand to lead her by.

He still wasn't quite used to calling her that yet, delicious as the words felt tripping off his tongue.

Madame Snape.

His own fault, he supposed. Neither he nor Hermione relished a fuss, and had gladly given over the wedding preparations into her mother's capable hands. With a legion of house-elves and enthusiastic colleagues at her disposal, they had been married beautifully and simply in front of friends and family at Hogwarts Castle in under a week.

A newly-engaged Harry Potter, facing a solid year of planning for his wedding to Ginny Weasley at the Burrow, was understandably envious. To Severus, that was better than the cinnamon-tinged buttercream frosting on their red velvet reception cake.

Hermione clasped hands with him, pulling Severus gently back to the present, even as she literally tugged him down the hall.

“Oh, that's the kitchen,” she said, wrinkling her nose at the spacious room that lay beyond the first doorway off the living room.

She wasn't much of a cook, which he considered a bonus, since he already thought of the bright, clean, modern space as his domain; an edible extension of his laboratory, so to speak.

“And the dining room,” he said, gesturing to the next door over.

She turned to face the opposite wall, opening the first door. “Powder room. It's lovely.”

He blocked the next door with his body. “Close your eyes.” She obeyed without comment, and he opened the door, guiding her into the room. “Open, now.”

She caught her breath, then let out a squeal of delight. “My study!” she cried, spotting the elves' file box sitting atop a low credenza. It was situated beneath a large picture window behind her desk. Her books filled most of the shelves lining the other walls, but there was still room for more. “It's better than I dreamed it would be.”

“Bluey and Winky will be pleased,” he said. “They worked on it personally.”

Hermione left the room reluctantly, Severus following behind to appreciate the view.

“My study,” he said when they opened the next door.

Which left two doors unopened.

She paused before the closest one. “What's this?” she asked as she opened it to reveal a room done in soft creams and minty green stripes, a crib placed in the centre of the floor on a plush, fuzzy lion-shaped rug. Hermione turned to raise an eyebrow at her blushing husband.

“Bat-eared, meddling, jolly, undersized hooligans,” he muttered under his breath.

She took pity on him. “Not your idea?”

“No,” he admitted, shaking his head slowly. He couldn't mask the glint of hope and longing in his eyes, though.

“Come on,” said Hermione, tugging Severus through the last door. “I feel like practising.”

~fin~******

On behalf of Slytherin house, thank you for reading and reviewing Hogwarts House-Elves Housekeeping Files. It's been a blast to write, and to read your reviews.

A bit of credit and acknowledgements are due. HHEHF was pokeystar's plot bunny, born from a spark of inspiration she had while reading sc010f's “He Who Walks by Himself.”

Why not have a series of ficlets from the elves' point of view, instead of Crookshanks?

Bluestocking and Pyjamarama fed the bunny vitamin-enriched carrots, encouraging it to grow to Bunnizilla-like proportions until it evolved into a round robin of sorts. Sylvanawood, Slytherinlaurel, kristoph, JackieJLH, nata, pyjamarama, Meltha, Bluestocking and pokeystar all contributed entries.

Finally, an extra-huge thank you to the OWL staff, for tolerating our silliness, and especially Annie, head of Slytherin House, for cheering us on.

If you would like a copy of Hogwarts House-elves' Housekeeping Files in a handy graphic-enchanced pdf version (converted by femmequixotic) please feel free to message pokeystar.

~~~***~~~***~~~

author: pokeystar

beta: Bluestocking

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