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All The Ships

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Jade fluttered around her apartment trying to get ready for tonight. She had big plans and she had to get everything prepped before her date showed up.

There was a knock at the door. Oh god, they arrived early.

Jade ran up to the door and opened it.
"Hey there babe, did I keep you waiting?"
Dave gave Jade one of his trademarked smiles and handed her a bouquet of flowers.
"Oh hey Dave...what are you up to?"
Dave gave Jade a confused look.
"Isn't it obvious?"
"Dave...I already hav-"

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE YOU DOUCHEBAG?"
Jade looked past Dave at the angry troll stalking up the walkway to her place.
"Karkat?"
Dave spun around to block Karkat's path.
"Isn't it obvious shortstuff?"
"What are you doing here Karkat?"
Karkat glanced past Dave at Jade and blushed.
"Hey Jade...I was in the neighborhood...and I realized I was passing your apartment...
...so I thought 'Hey, why don't I pick up Jade and we could grab some dinner'.
"
Jade sighed.
"I'm sorry Karkat, but I've already got plans for tonight."
"With me."
"No. It's with-"

Jade was interrupted by a strange noise from coming from above.
Everyone looked up to see a gray streak smash into the ground.
"TAVROS! Are you alright?"
The crashed brown blood propped himself up and smiled sheepishly at the green-eyed girl.
"Oh, hey there Jade. uh, Nice to see you here...
...at your place...
"
"Bizarre that."
Both Dave and Karkat crossed their arms and glared at Tavros. He stood up and brushed himself off.
"Yeah, I also just happened to have stopped by one of those florists and pick up some...
oh drat, I crushed them.
"
Tavros leaned down and picked up a pathetic looking cluster of flowers, and that was before they got crushed underneath him.
Jade took his flowers and looked at the three suitors.
"Guys. I've been trying to tell you. I've already got plans with...
John?
"
Everyone looked at her quizzically and then back down the walkway. The Heir of Breath was walking up to them with a grin on his face.

He waved to them.
"Hey there guys, looks like we've got a party starting up."
"No, I was just-"
Dave glanced over his shades at John.
"What brings you here?"
"Exactly, why the fuck are any of you here?"

John reached them and stood next to Jade. He sighed and put an arm around the confused girl.
"Well, I just wanted to admit something to Jade."
Everyone looked at him in growing horror.
"Jade, I can't deny my feelings any longer."
"Oh fuck John, what the hell is wrong with you."
John put a finger to her lips.
"I know my love. We can discuss our feelings later."
"WHAT THE HELL. I THOUGHT YOU HUMANS WERE FREAKED OUT BY INCEST."
John glanced at Karkat while clutching Jade.
"I did too. But I recently came to the realization that I should keep it in the family."
Jade looked terrified.
"That's fucking sick bro."

John gave everyone a huge shit-eating grin.
"You got me, I just needed to recharge my prankster's gambit. Thanks to this, I'm maxed out for the next two months."
He let go of Jade. She stood there and shivered for a moment.

Then she managed to get ahold of her composure and glared at the four boys gathered at her door.
"Alright. This is it. Everyone inside. I'm not gonna have a 'Who Gets Jade' discussion out here in the open. My neighbor is a nosy shit."

Everyone went into her living room and took seats.
"I'm sorry guys. I can't do anything with any of you.
I've already got plans tonight with...
"
There was a knock at the door.
"Oh sweet fucking jegus."

Jade stalked over to the door and opened it.

"HeY tHeRe JaDe."
"Gamzee? What are you doing here?"
"I hEaRd ThAt ThErE wAs A fUcKiNg PaRtY bEiNg ThRoWn HeRe. So I dEcIdEd To StOp By WiTh SoMe WiCkEd FuCkInG eLiXiRs."
Gamzee held up a case of Faygo. Jade gave him an exasperated look and pointed to the growing crowd in her apartment.
"Living room."
"FuCkInG hElLs YeAh!"

Jade followed the troll clown into the living room and started to sit down.

But not before there was another knock at her door.

She stomped over to the door and threw it open.
"WHO NOW?"
Eridan shrank under the fearsome roar from the exasperated girl.
"I...I...I...I wwas just..."
Jade stopped and gave Eridan a genuinely confused look.
"Uh...What are you doing here Eridan? I've didn't know you had feelings for me..."
Both the hipster troll and the small cluster of flowers he was holding wilted.
"I knoww...I wwas just lonely..."

Jade rolled her eyes and indicated that the whiny troll should join the others in her living room.

He joined the five other suitors in Jade's apartment.

"Guys...I appreciate your intentions, but as I was trying to say earlier. I've already got plans tonight with someone else. They should be here at any moment and I wanted to be ready before they got-"

There was yet another knock at the door.

Jade sighed and looked up at her ceiling and muttered a small prayer to the Horrorterrors for patience.

The guys watched her disappear down the entry hall and heard the door open.

"Oh hey, you're here! Just wait in the living room and I'll be ready in just a moment."

Jade ran through her apartment to her bedroom and closed the door.
The guys turned around to see who the newcomer was.

A huge smile made its way across John's face.
"Oh come on."
"Fucking fuck fuck fuckity fuck."
"oh...it's you..."
Gamzee gave the newcomer a friendly wave and offered up a wicked elixir.
Eridan just curled up into a small ball in the the chair he was sitting in and started to quietly sob.

The newcomer looked at them all and asked them,":33 < So what brings you all to Jade's apurrtment?"