The Naming of Cats is a difficult matter,
It isn't just one of your holiday games;
You may think at first I'm as mad as a hatter
-From The Naming of Cats by T.S. Eliot
It wasn't long after Jade and John left that the Guardians arrived. Mr Egbert, Mrs Lalonde and Mr Harley all stop and stared in wonder at the twelve new arrivals that the kids and trolls were handling with considerable caution. Dad and Mom looked at all the small wonders and reached out to hold each others hands.
Hass 'The Flame' Harley stalked over to Karkat, who hadn't noticed the parents' arrival and was busy messing with his little hybrid. The old man stopped behind Karkat and gave him an intense stare. Karkat froze like a preybeast caught in the gaze of a dread musclebeast. Kade just cooed and continued to reach out for Karkat's nubby horns.
Karkat slowly turned around and looked up at Grandpa Harley.
One of Hass' eyebrows twitched.
"What? I didn't cause this!
It was John that created all these...babies?...grubs?"
The glare continued unabated, only Grandpa now loomed over the poor troll who was cringing in fear - holding Kade in front of himself as a tiny shield.
"I swear Sir! I didn't do anything to Jade!
I'd never do anything like that to Jade!"
I don't need to make your granddaughter an 'honest woman'! Whatever that means"
Hass then took the small hybrid from Karkat and held her at arm's reach. The hybrid reached out for the large man.
"raa! raa ra RAA!"
The world stopped as everyone watched Grandpa Harley hold the small thing.
Then he smiled and started to laugh as he hugged his great-grandchild. Jade did her little happy dance and hugged her grandfather. John came out from behind his dad and Rose's mother and looked up at them.
"So...I guess this means we need to come up with some names - doesn't it?"
Dad and Mom looked at each other and smiled.
Later on, they had the twelve hybrids in a specially refurbished room. A safe place that would be great for them to crawl around and explore without any risk of real harm to the little monsters.
The twelve trolls, four kids and three guardians were also there. The trolls had organized themselves into groups with the kid they had a hybrid with.
Mrs Lalonde was sitting at a computer and brought up a strange website and brought up a holographic projection of it so everyone could see it.
"A baby name website? Why can't we just make stupid little portmanteaus of our names for these babies?
That would be easier."
"Because most of the results would be rather silly and inappropriate for our children."
"Wait, I did that to name Kade! Are you saying -"
'Kade' is a Scottish boy's name."
"How do you..."
"I have many hobbies Jade. Many hobbies."
John and Kanaya both looked at the now quiet blonde and smiled at her.
"Well, I guess this means we need to get started. We don't have all night."
And so the naming began...
"His name is Poe."
John looked at their hybrid and then into Vriska's intense glare.
"Guess that settles it."
Name picked for male hybrid of John Egbert and Vriska Sekret: Poe
"So Nepeta, have you already picked out a name for our hybrid?"
"X33 < Oh yes, our cub shall be known as the mighty Leo!
>:]] < You want to disagr33 with me John?"
"Nope, I like my kidneys right where they are."
Name picked for male hybrid of John Egbert and Nepeta Leijon: Leo
"Last one for me. Let me guess - you've already picked out a name for our hybrid."
Equius carefully held his sweating hybrid and stared at the floating list of names and their respective meanings.
"D--> Unfortunately, I had not put any thought into the naming of this abomination."
"D--> It is uncooth for a troll to associate with, let alone name, their progeny.
D--> This is so decadent. I need another towel."
Equius glanced at his hybrid and then back up at the list.
He suddenly pointed out a name.
"D--> That one. That is the appropriate name for our STRONG and MIGHTY child."
John looked up at the name as Dave started to laugh at how silly it looked.
"You sure? It's kinda silly."
Equius glared at John.
"Welp, I'm done for the night."
Name picked for male hybrid of John Egbert and Equius Zahhak: Maynard
"Oh FuCk, LoOk At AlL tHoSe NaMeS!
It'S a FuCkInG mIrAcLe YoU hUmAnS cAn EvEn PiCk OuT jUsT oNe FoR yOuR bAbIeS."
"Well, most of us have a middle name as well as a first name and our family names."
"ShIt, WhAt'S yOuR mIdDlE nAmEs My MoThErFuCkInG nEw FrIeNdS?"
Dave, John, Rose and Jade all glanced at each other in embarrassment.
"Gamzee, have you picked out a name for our daughter?"
"FuCk No, ThErE'S jUsT tOo MaNy. WhAt If I pIcK sOmEtHiNg ShE hAtEs?"
"That's always a risk.
But what about this name?
It means 'Rainbow'"
"Oh FuCkInG mIrAcLeS!"
Name picked for female hybrid of Rose Lalonde and Gamzee Makara: Iris
"I knoww, Roz. It's my turn to pick out a fuckin name for this thing."
Eridan glared at Rose as he carefully cradled their hybrid and let her play with his scarf. Rose just couldn't help smiling at how cute they were together.
"Have you picked one out Eridan?
Or do you need help?"
"Fuck that Roz. I have already picked the best name for our hybrid."
Eridan handed off the child to Rose and pointed out a girl's name on the list.
"Not bad Eridan, not bad.
The name does refer to a mutual interest."
Name picked for female hybrid of Rose Lalonde and Eridan Ampora: Sybil
Rose sat down next to Kanaya and their little one. Kanaya just stared at the girl in a mix of horror, love and confusion.
"I Never Wanted Anything Like This Rose.
I Am Not An Individual Who Seems To Get Along With Children It Seems."
"Give it a chance dear. I have a feeling that she'll grow on you."
Kanaya stared at Rose in horror.
"Oh..Oh My...Is That How These 'Babies' Grow? They Become Parasitic Growths Upon One Of Their Parents?
That Explains Why There Is No Longer A Mr Lalonde or Mrs Egbert or Harley"
Rose started to laugh uncontrollably. The jade-blooded troll gave the girl a sullen, hurt look.
"Oh god, I'm sorry about that Kanaya. No, that's not how humans work. Well, at least not until we're well into our teenage years."
Rose looked at the glowing list and pointed to a name.
"How about that one Kanaya?"
"It Means 'All Gifts'? I Guess That Is An Appropriate Name."
"Just wait until I show you the legend it comes from..."
Name picked for female hybrid of Rose Lalonde and Kanaya Maryam: Pandora
Dave and Sollux glared at each other. They both wondered why the fuck either John or the Ectobiological Machinery choose to combine them.
Maybe something out there had a horrible sense of humor.
"So, have you decided on a name yet?"
"No, II'm thtiill lookiing. There are tho many nameth.
And II don't want to giive thiith kid a thtupiid name."
"Well then, let me choose one liithpy."
"Fuck you athhole."
Dave didn't listen to the angry troll, he had gotten up and was staring at the list of names.
"That'th an iincrediibly thtupiid name you thhiithead.
Iit'th almotht ath bad ath the one Equiiuth piicked out for hiith hybriid."
Dave turned around and shrugged at Sollux.
"It's ironic. Besides, it means 'bright intellect'.
I kinda figure anything that's made from a combination of us would at least have some brains."
Sollux looked at his hybrid who was still cringing from the onslaught of curses his troll parent had just unleashed at Dave.
"Well, okay then."
"Pity that's all the kid will have going for him."
Name picked for male hybrid of Dave Strider and Sollux Captor: Hubert
Aradia stared at what should not exist that currently sat on the ground in front of her.
The baby stared back.
"So...are you going to hold our baby?"
"Well...have you picked a name for the boy?"
The robot girl handed Dave a slip of paper with the name and meaning written down upon it.
"Huh, that's a good choice.
I like it."
Name picked for male hybrid of Dave Strider and Aradia Megido: Horace
"So, 1t's my turn now D4v3?"
"Had to save the best for last."
"You s4y such fl4tt3r1ng th1ngs D4v3.
Just so you know, 1 h4v3 4lr34dy p1ck3d 4 n4m3 for our ch1ld."
"Actually, I wanted to name him 'Ambrose'. It was my bro's name.
I think it's a fitting tribute."
Terezi and the hybrid glared at Dave. Dave still couldn't figure out how the blind girl could do that so well.
"Th4t n4m3 sucks 4ss D4v3."
"But it was Bro's name!"
"D1d your Bro 3v3r go by th4t n4m3?"
"3x4ctly, b3c4us3 1t's 4 stup1d n4m3.
M34nwh1l3, 1 h4v3 4 p3rf3ctly d3c4d3nt n4m3 for our b4by."
"What is it?"
Terezi whispered the name into Dave's ear. He pinched the bridge of his nose and cradled his head.
That crazy girl and her obsessions.
Name picked for male hybrid of Dave Strider and Terezi Pyrope: Red
"So there's no way I can convince you to change the name?"
"Why? It's not like there's anyone else here to judge her."
"Come on Karkat! It's silly to give a girl a boy's name.
It's something those wackos back on Earth would do to feel self-important and would end up burdening their child for the rest of their life."
"You humans are fucking insane with your obsessions about sex, gender and all of that."
"This comes from a member of a race obsessed with the color of their blood and playing romantic four-square."
Karkat cringed at that jab.
"Well okay. But I still like the name. It's a combination of our own names, just like the baby is a combination of us."
Jade sighed and glared at the silly troll boy. He was so hard to resist when he dropped the angry asshole persona.
"Well, okay. Let's just change how you've been pronouncing the name at least."
"I'm fine with that. How about you kid?"
Name picked for female hybrid of Jade Harley and Karkat Vantas: Kade
"It's pronounced 'Kay-dee'' you fucking shit-hive maggots!"
"Um, I've already picked out a name Jade."
"You mean 'Wendy'?"
"Is it, uh, a bad name? I picked it from the 'Peter Pan' story from your world."
Jade smiled at Tavros and picked up their kid.
"Actually, I like 'Wendy' myself.
Besides, it also means 'friend' according to the list Mrs Lalonde has up."
Name picked for female hybrid of Jade Harley and Tavros Nitram: Wendy
"O)( glub Jade. There are SO MANY NAM-ES to cull from!"
"Well, I find it easier to just narrow down the list to a theme you like."
Feferi beamed at Jade as she bounced around the room holding her little giggling hybrid.
"O)( MY COD! THAT MAK-ES THIS SO MUC)( -EASI-ER!"
"It does, as long as it's not a fishy pun I'm fine with anything you pick Feferi."
Feferi puffed up her cheeks at Jade and gave her a dirty look.
Wait! That one! That one! That's the perfect name!"
Jade looked at the name Feferi was excitedly pointing at and then its meaning. She then glanced at the beaming hybrid that giggled excitedly at her troll mother danced around with her.
"You know, that's rather appropriate."
Name picked for female hybrid of Jade Harley and Feferi Peixes: Meryl
The naming was complete. Mrs Lalonde entered the twelve choices into the computer network. John glanced over her shoulder and saw that she had been working on custom nameplates for various bits of furniture that the children would need.
Once she was done with that, Mrs Lalonde took ahold of her love's hand. The kids and trolls left the room and went to their respective dorms, leaving the hybrids with the adults to watch over them. Dad and Mom looked at their twelve grandchildren and smiled while they held each other.
Life was going to be wonderful.
There was nothing that could spoil it now.