Background: It’s late 2007 or early 2008. Matt Damon and Ben Affleck’s new movie is coming out (a legal drama from Touchstone). House, MD is still a smash hit, and Saturday Night Live has talked Hugh Laurie into hosting. About three sketches in or so we see the following:
*Lights come up. Matt, Ben, Hugh, and Stephen Fry are standing on the empty stage.*
BEN: Hello, everyone. I’m Ben Affleck.
MATT: I’m Matt Damon.
HUGH: *startled* Oh, my turn? Well, I’ve already introduced myself in the monologue, Hugh Laurie, it’s a pleasure. Many of you know my good friend Stephen Fry, writer, comedian, actor.
STEPHEN: I’m a bit of a narrator as well. Did Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy and the Harry Potter movies.
MATT: Oh, yeah, that’s why your voice sounded familiar!
BEN: So, Matt and I have a movie coming out soon: In Pursuit of Justice from Touchstone. This is the first movie we’ve starred in together in, wow, a long while.
MATT: Really, Dogma was the last, in 1999.
BEN: One of the things that happened in the late ‘90s, when we were working together a lot, was that there was a lot of innuendo, and rumors started going around that we were actually gay.
MATT: People thought we were together, you know, as a couple.
BEN: Totally not true.
STEPHEN: Really? Pity.
BEN: Not true. So, we’ve been a little worried that maybe those rumors might start floating again. Then one day, I was talking with my good friend Hugh here – *gesturing to audience* Wait, you all know Hugh and I are good friends, right?
HUGH: Bosom chums. Tea every Sunday.
BEN: Right. Talking with Hugh, I found out that he and Stephen had run into a similar kind of issue over in England in the ‘80s and ‘90s, when their series A Bit of Fry and Laurie and Jeeves and Wooster were out.
HUGH: Too right.
STEPHEN: Mmm, yes.
BEN: So we decided that since Hugh was going to be hosting SNL anyway, that we’d take this opportunity to set the record straight.
STEPHEN: So to speak.
MATT: Ben and I are not now, and never have been, in a sexual or romantic relationship with each other.
HUGH: Same for Stephen and myself.
BEN: We are unequivocally not gay.
HUGH: Except Stephen.
MATT: Stephen’s gay?
STEPHEN: Mmm, quite.
BEN: Oh yeah, that’s right. Well, you’re gay, but it’s the witty, amusing, non-threatening kind of gay.
MATT: Go, girlfriend!
BEN: *Rolls eyes* Not the “has actual sex with other men” kind of gay.
STEPHEN: Well, thank you. “Appeal to the widest possible audience” has always been my credo.
HUGH: Yes, so Stephen’s witty, but the rest of us are completely straight.
BEN: Yep. Except Matty’s name is kind of gay. You know, with that “e” sound at the end.
BEN: And, Hugh, you’re British, so over here in the States, you might as well be gay.
HUGH: I beg your pardon?
MATT: It’s true. British men are seen as kind of light in the loafers. Wait, I take that back.
HUGH: Thank you!
MATT: Ireland and Scotland, they’re part of Great Britain, too, right? Irish guys are OK – your Colin Farrells and so forth. And Scottish guys, even with the skirts, they come off as butch. It’s really just your snooty Englishmen who seem gay.
HUGH: I’m not snooty! Stephen! Don’t you have anything to say about this?
STEPHEN: Hugh, m’colleague, you are a paragon of the masculine virtues.
HUGH: Thank you.
STEPHEN: With long lovely artist's fingers and the eyelashes of an angel.
HUGH: *huffy, slight glare at Stephen*
MATT: And, you know, Ben, Gigli was kind of gay.
BEN: Hey, don’t go there.
STEPHEN: Matthew, I’m disappointed in you. Calling Gigli gay is an insult to the homosexual community.
MATT: *contritely* Stephen, you’re right. I apologize. That was thoughtless and rude of me.
STEPHEN: Because we all know that Pearl Harbor is clearly the gayest film in Ben’s oeuvre.
STEPHEN: It’s true. The flowered shirts, the soft focus filters–in a war movie, no less–and Danny and Rafe spending the night together in that car…
MATT: What about Daredevil? Ben’s wearing the tight red leather pants, leering at Colin, practically no heat with Jennifer Garner at all.
BEN: That’s my wife, Matty. Back off.
STEPHEN: Your wife? Hmm.
HUGH: In Mallrats, Ben admits to preferring backdoor love.
BEN: With girls! And that was my character!
STEPHEN: Least gay performance for Mr. Affleck? Holden in Chasing Amy.
MATT: Oh, for sure.
HUGH: That kiss with Jason Lee was forced and uncomfortable.
STEPHEN: No chemistry whatsoever. Pity, really. Holden and Banky would’ve made a nice couple.
BEN: Ahem, getting back to the real us!
HUGH: What were we talking about?
BEN: How we are heterosexual men, except witty, celibate Stephen, who do heterosexual things and have heterosexual relationships.
HUGH: Yes, just some heterosexual-
BEN: *holds up a hand* Stop.
MATT: *shaking his head, looking at Hugh* Dude, not helping us.
HUGH: I’m just repeating what you said.
BEN: That was the gayest reading of the word “heterosexual” ever.
HUGH: What? *looks at Stephen*
STEPHEN: *raises eyebrows and shrugs*
BEN: Here. Listen to Matt say it.
MATT: *deep voice* Heterosexual.
BEN: Much better.
STEPHEN: If you say so.
BEN: Anyway, Matt and I, and Hugh and Stephen, are just regular guys who are friends.
HUGH: Nothing more.
MATT: In any way.
BEN: Glad we’ve cleared that up. Thanks and good night.
*The lighting changes. The four men all relax.*
HUGH: Well, I think that went extraordinarily well.
STEPHEN: I’m glad to have done it.
MATT: It should definitely have reached our audience. *indicating Ben and himself* Maybe not yours as much?
STEPHEN: There’s always YouTube.com. Someone’s bound to post it.
HUGH: Maybe “FryLover22” will?
STEPHEN: Don’t give away all my secrets, diddums.
BEN: *laughs and claps Matt on the shoulder* Good job. *crosses to Stephen and slips an arm around him* Ready to go, Papa Bear?
HUGH: *starts leering at Matt with a mischievous grin*
MATT: *looking back at Hugh, million watt smile*
STEPHEN: Any time you are, darling. *grabs Ben and licks his neck slowly*
HUGH: *grabs at Matt’s ass, tickling him*
MATT: *jumps* Hugh! Hugh! *trying to push Hugh’s hand away but laughing at the same time*
HUGH: *chases Matt toward the wings, trying to tickle his ass*
MATT: Hugh! Save it for the dressing room!
*Ben & Stephen are still wrapped around each other mid-stage as Hugh and Matt run off.*