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Relax, it's Just Sex

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Chad’s been doing amateur gay porn for a little over eight months when Jared finds out about it.

Jared’s not sure if Chad would have come clean about it if Jared hadn’t hounded him about how he’d been able to afford the brand new Escalade sitting in the driveway.

“Okay, wait a fucking minute,” Jared says, standing in the doorway of the dilapidated house they’re renting.

Jared’s not yet fully awake though it’s the wrong side of noon and he has class in less than forty minutes. He’s standing shirtless in just a ratty pair of sweats, staring bleary eyed at the shiny black SUV with chrome rims.

Chad’s leaning against the hood, arms splayed. “What do you think?” he says with a wide, shit-eating grin.

“I think you'd better tell me what the fuck you’re involved in and whether or not I’m going to end up with busted kneecaps.” Jared pushes his hair out of his eyes and half-stumbles down the front steps, wincing as his bare feet come into contact with bits of gravel.

Chad’s still smiling wide; petting the shiny black paint like it’s a dog and not a fifty-thousand dollar car. “Why you always gotta be a buzzkill?” He says, teasing and light.

Jared walks around the car, looking in the tinted windows, opening doors. It’s a pretty fucking sweet car. Jared’s a little jealous; he’s been driving the same piece of shit Toyota since he got his license two years ago.

“Because I don’t trust you not to get both of our asses in trouble.” Jared bends down to spin the chrome rim on the front tire. He can see his fucking reflection in it. “I’m waiting for an explanation.”

Chad sighs; a weary, put-upon sound and Jared’s not buying it for a second.

Jared follows Chad into the house, letting the rusted screen door slam behind him.

“So,” Jared says, pulling the carton of orange juice from the fridge. “What is it? Mafia? Drugs? Child trafficking? What?” He takes a swig from the carton and passes it to Chad who takes a drink and sets it on the table.

“Hang on a fucking second and I’ll tell you.” He takes off through the living room and upstairs and reappears a few minutes later, laptop in hand. He straddles a chair at the table and fools around for a minute and then he’s sliding the computer across the table.

It takes Jared a second to fully register the fact that Chad’s face and half naked body are plastered across the screen; the splash page of what Jared can tell is an amateur porn site.

Jared clicks the “enter” link and, “Holy shit,” he half yells because now he’s staring at pictures of naked guys pressed up against each other in weird, “artistic” poses.

Chad’s sitting back in his chair, palms shoved into the pockets of his jeans.

Jared stares blankly at the screen for a few endless minutes. “Okay,” he says and his voice sounds distant. “I’ve uh, got class,” he says, pushing back from the table.

He takes a fast shower and doesn’t think about it so much as he thinks about not thinking about it.

He grabs his backpack and runs downstairs to throw together a sandwich. Chad’s nowhere to be seen which is just as well, Jared doesn’t know what to say to him.

 

* * *

 

Jared’s in his second semester of freshman year, a year behind Chad. They’ve lived together since Jared’s second week of school when he realized he was going to kill his roommate before the month was over and the waiting list for a single was a mile long.

They’ve been best friends for close to twelve years and until now, Jared figured he’d been the first to know anything and everything about Chad. It sort of stings.

Sandy's sitting on the front porch steps, a text book propped in her lap when Jared gets back from his four hour shift at the bookstore. She looks up and smiles. He’s always loved her smile.

“Hey, baby,” she says, looking thrilled to see him. She always does. He bends forward to kiss her and help her up.

“Did you get your psych midterm back yet?” She asks as he unlocks the front door. He should just get her a key so she doesn’t have to keep waiting for him out there but he keeps forgetting.

Jared grimaces. “Yeah, got an eighty-two.” He gets the door open and follows her inside. She sets her books down at the kitchen table. He’s pretty sure if it wasn’t for her and her diligent study habits, he’d have gotten a D. He should be happy with a B-.

It’s a little before eight when Chad and Sophia stumble downstairs, wrapped around each other so they look like one eight-limbed creature.

Sophia has never really liked Jared for reasons too vague for Jared to really get. Chad just shrugged and said, “I just think she’s jealous we spend so much time together,” which just seems like a pretty stupid reason not to like him.

Sophia’s got her hands tucked in Chad’s pockets and her face pressed into his neck and Chad’s sort of pushing them along.

“Hey,” Sandy says with a small smile.

“Hey, Sandy.”

Sandy’s auditioning for the theater department’s spring production of Pippin, so she takes off. Sophia disappears shortly after, to go do something with her sorority, something that Jared’s not at all interested in hearing about, which is why he tuned her out earlier when she insisted on telling them about it in great detail.

“So,” Chad says, leaning his hip against the counter, arms crossed after the girls have taken off. “Is it the gay thing?”

It’s completely blunt and sudden and absolutely the kind of thing Chad’s always doing.

Jared bristles at that. “No, asshole, it’s the ‘I’m your best fucking friend and you didn’t tell me’ thing.”

Chad’s face changes, the defensiveness drops and he’s more his real self.

“Yeah,” Chad says, shoving his hands in his pockets, shoulders hunched. He looks embarrassed. “Sorry about that,” he says, ducking his head.

“So. You didn’t tell me because?”

“Dude, it’s gay porn.”

Jared huffs a frustrated sound. “Dude. Best friend, remember? I don’t give a shit. Just don’t try to hump me in my sleep.”

Chad laughs then. “You wish. Your ass isn’t that great.”

Jared throws the dirty sponge sitting on the counter in Chad’s direction but it’s a lazy throw and it hits the wall behind him.

Chad reaches into the fridge, pulls out a couple of beers, hands one to Jared. He takes it, pops the top.

“Sorry,” Jared mumbles around the beer because he feels like he maybe should have acted a little cooler about the whole thing. Chad shrugs and just like that, it’s over, all’s well in the land of Chad and Jared.

“Wait,” Jared says, three beers later. The two of them are sprawled together on the sofa, ignoring papers and required reading in favor of hanging out, half heartedly watching the Spurs get their asses handed to them by the Mavericks. “Does Sophia know about it?”

Sophia and Chad have a tortured, on-again, off-again relationship that’s more drama than Jared can handle.

Chad grins and kicks his legs out in front of him, sinking lower into the sofa cushions. “Are you kidding me? She fucking loves it. I’m telling you, she’s dirty.” He takes a swallow of his beer, his eyes already a little glassy. “She likes to watch them, with me, and sometimes, I’ll fuck her from behind while one of the videos plays. I’ve never known a chick who gets off on it like she does.”

Huh. “Really?”

Chad grins, slow and dirty. “Hell, yeah.”

Getting drunk with Chad always means trouble’s around the corner. The first time Jared ever got his Daddy’s belt he was eight and Chad had talked him into sneaking two of his Daddy’s beers out to the garage.

Jared’s tongue gets loose and the drunker he gets, the more he asks Chad about the porn.

“So,” Jared says though it’s more a slur. “Do you. Uh, do you get fucked?”

Chad’s so wasted, pink cheeks and glassy eyes, sprawled in the corner of the sofa with his bare feet pushed into Jared’s thigh.

“Mm, sometimes. Bottoming pays more,” he says, head lolling back against the arm rest.

Jared knows he must be making a face, but that’s maybe more than he should know about his best friend.

“How did it start?” Jared wants to know, or rather, needs to know because all of a sudden his best friend is this stranger with this secret life he knew nothing about and Jared’s having enough trouble wrapping his head around the fact that Chad does porn, let alone gay porn. It’s just. It’s unexpected and it’s something Jared would have thought Chad would share with him. He’s pretty sure that at one point or another he’s shared every one of his secrets, tame and dirty and in between, with Chad and now he’s left wondering what else Chad’s been keeping from him.

Chad’s staring at the ceiling, one hand shoved up under his shirt resting on his stomach. “There was an ad in the student union, something about modeling, really discreet, just a professional ad looking for college guys, sounded harmless enough. So I called the number and went in for an interview. The dude was really fucking nice, real chill, not sleazy or anything, and told me up front about the website.”

Chad’s talking softly, slowly, like he’s telling a bedtime story. Jared’s kind of interested, not just in how Chad got into the whole thing but why. He wants to know if this was just something he missed, if there were clues that he wasn’t paying attention to.

“I did a solo video, made enough to pay tuition for the semester, just like that. That was fucking huge, JT, you have no idea. And it was easy money, just getting off in front of a couple cameras. So then, Jeff calls me a few weeks later, says the video was pretty popular, wanted to know if I’d be willing to do a scene with one of the other guys, just jerking off together. It just sort of progressed from there.”

“Huh,” Jared says intelligently. He’s out of beer and he’s gotta take a leak but he’s sort of melted into the sofa and doesn’t exactly feel like getting up.

Chad looks over then, a serious look on his face. “You know. You should think about doing it,” he says and Jared feels like now would be a good time to get up.

“Uh, gotta piss,” he says, getting unsteadily to his feet. Chad just watches him, silent, appraising. Jared uses the bathroom and stumbles into bed without getting undressed.

He’s mostly asleep, when the door opens and Chad nudges at him. “Shove over,” he grumbles and face plants into the bed, their bodies barely touching.

Jared falls asleep.

Jared’s alarm wakes him up at nine the next morning and he sits up with a jolt, mouth fuzzy and head pounding. He has class at nine-thirty.

“I was serious,” Chad says when Jared comes stumbling downstairs, shoes and backpack in hand.

“Coffee,” Jared mumbles. Chad shoves a mug into his hand and Jared takes a grateful sip.

“I know,” he says, after a few minutes. “Let me think about it.”

Chad nods. “It doesn’t have to lead to anything. You do a solo; get enough money to make it through the semester, the end.”

State school tuition is not excruciating, not like Jared’s first choice of Duke which he turned down because the scholarships failed to come through. But his parents can still only afford to pay for half and Jared’s been relying on student loans and a part time job in the student union book store.

The money would be nice to have. But the idea of not only jerking off on camera but doing a video that’s going to end up on a gay porn website makes his stomach feel heavy.

He chooses not to think about what his parents would say.

It takes Jared three days to decide that there’s no harm in at least meeting with the guy, so Chad sets up a meeting and gives him directions.

Jared drives to the other side of town, about twenty-minutes down a quiet road and turns onto a private drive with a large, sprawling house.

He rings the door bell and an older guy, maybe fifteen years older than Jared himself, much younger than he’d been anticipating, answers the door.

Jared had psyched himself up for a meeting with a fat, middle aged greasy guy with gold chains around his neck and a comb-over. Jeff is none of those things. He’s just a few inches shorter than Jared’s six feet four. He looks like he works out and he’s got a nice smile.

“Hey, you must be Jared,” he says, holding out his hand. “I’m Jeff, nice to meet you.”

Jared’s palms are sweaty. He rubs one on the thigh of his jeans before reaching out to shake Jeff’s. “Thanks for meeting me.”

“Well, Chad’s told me all about you. Said you were the kind of guy we were looking for.”

Jared follows Jeff into the house, which is immaculately decorated and gorgeous.

“Can I get you something to drink?”

Jared shakes his head and Jeff leads him to the back of the house and a huge home office.

“Have a seat,” Jeff says, taking his own behind the enormous cherry desk.

Jared sits. The walls are decorated with plaques and awards.

“This isn’t what I was expecting,” he says after a moment of quiet.

Jeff laughs. “Thank you, I’ll take that as a compliment.”

Jared laughs, ducking his head. “Well, this is just new to me.”

“Relax, it’s not as scary as it seems.”

Jeff reaches into a drawer and pulls out a folder, hands it over to Jared. “This is our mission statement, a copy of the contract we’d ask you to sign, and some testimonials of guys who’ve modeled for us in the past. If you do sign the contract, all it states is that you are over the age of eighteen and have not done any adult film work before this. You’re not locked into anything, understood? We don’t have you commit to a set number of films, it’s just an agreement that you’ll be on the JDM.com payroll.”

They talk for a little bit and then Jeff walks Jared back through the house to the door. “You have my number. If you decide you want to work with us, give me a call and we’ll schedule you for a shoot. You’re going to have to bring two forms of id proving you’re at least eighteen. If you decide this isn’t for you, well, it’s been real nice to meet you, Jared.”

Jared shakes Jeff’s hand. “Thanks for your time,” he says and Jeff smiles and claps him on the back. “Jared, I just want to say one more thing, I think you’d fit in real nicely with the other models. I think our viewers would really enjoy you. Something to think about.”

Jared nods, mouth dry. “Yes sir, thank you.”

Jared calls Chad as he's getting into his car. His twelve-year old, piece-of-crap with no working AC. So unlike Chad's nice, new, comfortable car. And yeah, he's definitely tempted by Jeff's offer.

“So, how’d it go?”

“He’s nice,” Jared says lamely.

“Dude, I told you. Did you decide?”

“No, I told him I’d think about it.”

Chad’s being pretty cool about letting Jared ask questions, questions about the other models, about what it’s like to work for Jeff. He even offers to show Jared his first solo video to which Jared says, “Fuck no, Chad. I don’t want to see you jerk off.”

Chad just shrugs, laughing. “Whatever,” he says; half-baked from some weed they scored from the crazy lady down the block.

 

* * *

 

Ten days after his initial meeting with Jeff, Jared calls him up.

He hasn’t stopped thinking about Jeff’s offer, about what doing a video for JDM.com would mean. The only person he’s talked to about it is Chad, and Chad’s a lot of things but helpful is not one of them.

The money Jeff quoted at him would pay for the rest of the semester. He’d be able to use his earnings at the bookstore to go out and not have to count every single penny. He’d be able to take Sandy out to dinner once in a while. He’s got a list of things in his head, of all the reasons he’s going to tell Jeff yes but it feels like a lie he’s telling himself. The money is important, things have been really tight for him and his parents especially but it’s not the deciding factor, not really.

It’s a little fucked up maybe but he feels like he got kicked out of an exclusive club and everyone’s on the inside and he’s left out in the cold, alone. It’s sort of melodramatic, it’s just Chad, but Jared and Chad have been step for step since they met and this is something that Chad’s doing on his own. Jared can’t help feeling a little left out.

He calls Jeff feeling like he’s closing his eyes and taking a step into total oblivion.

“Hey, uh, Jeff? This is Jared. Jared Padalecki.”

“Hey there, Jared, how are things?”

Jeff is just as friendly, just as welcoming on the phone and Jared feels like he’s making an okay decision when he says, “So, uh, I think I’d like to give it a shot.”

Jeff is pretty enthusiastic and encouraging about it, which Jared appreciates. They make plans for Jared to come out to the house to sign the contract and do the video sometime in the early part of next week.

Jared’s a pretty laid back guy, doesn’t waste time getting nervous or worrying but by the time Tuesday afternoon rolls around, he’s a nervous wreck. He almost turns back twice.

A guy who isn’t Jeff answers the door. He’s got short dark hair and a cocky grin.

“I’m Mike,” he says, letting Jared in.

Jared shakes his hand and follows him to a wing of the house that looks nothing like the rest of the place. There are no personal touches, nothing to say that anybody lives here. It’s nice in a really generic way, like a show room for Ethan Allen or Pier One.

Jeff and another guy, Tom, are setting up in one of the bedrooms. Jeff looks up when Jared comes in.

They shake hands and there’s some preliminary business stuff, signing the contract and making sure Jared doesn’t have any questions.

“So basically,” Jeff says a little while later, with Jared sitting fully clothed on the bed and Tom and Mike each behind one of the three cameras set up in the room. “The point is to be yourself. People like to get a feel for what you’re like; they like to pretend they know you. So just answer the questions as comfortably and honestly as you can and just relax.”

Jared thinks that’s much easier said than done. All the models use fake names and Jared’s gone with JT, the initials of his first and middle names because that's what Chad's always called him, and he’s most likely to respond to it if Jeff uses it while filming.

Jeff gets behind the main camera, nods reassuringly to Jared and flips it on.

Jared has never been less aroused in his life. It’s so sterile and un-sexy, sitting in this cookie cutter room with three cameras trained on him.

Jeff introduces Jared on camera. “Hi JT, welcome to JDM.com.”

Jared’s palms itch. He rubs them on his thighs. His mouth is dry when he says, “thanks.”

The first question Jeff asks is if he has a girlfriend.

“Yeah, we’ve been together about eight months.”

“Does she know you’re doing this?”

“Not yet,” Jared says on a nervous laugh. He should probably tell her.

Jeff asks a couple more questions and then tells Jared to “go for it.”

He takes his shirt off, feeling clumsy and huge and not at all in the mood. The room is warm, which is nice, and there’s sunlight streaming in through the gauzy curtains. Jared leans back against the pillows, closing his eyes. He presses the palm of his hand flat against his dick, rubbing against denim and cotton. He takes a few deep breaths and tries to pretend he’s at home, locked in his bedroom, alone. Tries to take his mind off the fact that thousands of people are going to see this.

He flicks open the snap of his jeans and slides his fingertips over the skin low on his belly. He thinks about Sandy, about her sweet smile and her perfect tits and her tiny waist, about the way she looks sitting on his dick, riding him slow and hard, her hair falling forward.

That does the trick, makes his face flush hot and his skin feel tight. He slides his hand into his underwear and just lays it flat, bare skin on skin, against his dick and shifts his hips up.

Sandy makes the sweetest noises when he fucks her and he thinks about the way her pink tongue comes out to wet her lips and the one time she let him fuck her tits, his dick sliding into her mouth on every pass.

He’s breathing harder, and the room feels too hot all of a sudden. He opens his eyes, blinks to adjust to the light and lifts his hips up off the bed to shimmy out of his jeans and underwear. He keeps his eyes open as he spreads his legs. He’s mostly hard, dick jutting up against his stomach. He reaches for the lube at the side of the bed, gets his hand slick with it and wraps his fingers around his dick.

He lets out a low sigh, head falling back against the pillows. He keeps his eyes open but unfocused, staring at the ceiling. It’s going to take a little while but this feels nice, the slow steady glide of his hand, the soft thousand-thread count sheets beneath his skin.

He’s starting to sweat a little, gathering at his hairline, slipping down his neck. He slides his free hand, palm flat against his stomach, up over his chest, trying to make it look good which is difficult - he’s not into guys, he doesn’t know what guys find attractive.

The buildup is a slow burn, heat gathering slowly in his belly, shivers starting in his spine and spreading their way out to his fingertips. He arches up off the bed, hips working, pushing into his fist and throws one arm over his head to grip the head board. The stretch feels nice, intense, makes everything come up to the surface.

He doesn’t need the fantasy so much right now; he’s worked up enough that just the idea of coming is enough.

He’s not far off when something, curiosity, makes him open his eyes. He keeps the rhythm steady and his breathing is ragged. Jeff’s focused on the camera, watching the feedback. Mike’s doing the same at the side of the bed, head bent, watching Jared through the lens to make sure he’s getting everything. Jared turns his head and hisses unexpectedly, hips shoving harder into his grip. It's then that he notices that Tom’s not watching him through the camera; he’s got his eyes fixed on Jared. There’s a flush high on his cheeks and his stare is dark, intense. Jared closes his eyes and when he opens them his gaze locks on Tom’s and he arches and comes, just like that.

He’s panting, come cooling on his stomach and sticky on his fingers and now he’s a little embarrassed because he just came in front of three guys he doesn’t know.

Apparently, and this is so left of center it knocks Jared off his feet, he’s got an exhibitionist streak. Who the fuck would have thought?

Jeff turns the camera off and Tom makes himself look busy as Mike hands Jared a wet washcloth.

“Very nicely done, Jared,” Jeff says. “Go ahead and hit the shower and come back to the office when you’re done.”

The guys leave Jared alone in the room and Jared just stays where he is for a few minutes, trying to catch his breath and figure out what the hell is going on.

He feels like curling up and passing out, like he always does right after he’s come his brains out but that would be awkward. Or rather, more awkward then jerking off in front of strangers.

The shower is some weird glass and chrome monstrosity with three shower heads and enough room for an orgy. It weirds Jared out, he’s not at all comfortable with the porn thing, hopes he never gets comfortable with it. He showers as quickly as he can, dries himself off and gets dressed so he can go find Jeff.

“Hey,” Jeff says when Jared knocks on the office door. “Come on in.”

“Thanks,” Jared says awkwardly and takes a seat.

Jeff hands Jared an envelope. “Here you go, kid, job well-done.”

Jared mumbles a thank you and pockets the envelope.

“So, the video will probably be up on the site for next Tuesday’s solo update,” Jeff tells him, leaning back in his chair. “Let’s see how it goes, and if there’s some interest, I’ll give you a call and we’ll see about getting you back in here for another video.”

 

* * *

 

Telling Sandy about the video is not something Jared’s really looking forward to but they’ve been honest with each other so far in their relationship, and he doesn't see why that has to change.

He invites her over the day the video goes live on the website and sits down at his computer desk with Sandy perched on his lap. “I have something to tell you,” he says and pulls up the website to the page with the introduction for his video.

She lets out a gasp and goes still. He watches her face as she reads the blurb Jeff wrote.

“When did you do this?” She asks softly, getting up from his knee. She doesn’t move away though, just looks down at him questioningly.

“Last week,” he tells her.

“I wish you’d talked to me about it.”

“Yeah, I should have. I’m sorry. The money was good. And I don’t know, it’s not something to be proud of.”

She doesn’t say anything for a few minutes. She turns to stare at the computer screen, quiet, eyes taking in the photographs of Jared naked on the bed, hand wrapped around his dick.

“You look good,” she says after a few minutes of heavy silence. Her voice has a kind of dreamy quality to it, and Jared looks up to see her mouth curving slightly in the hint of a smile.

“Yeah?” He reaches out, hand on her hip.

“Mm.” It’s a soft sound, a low hum.

She turns to face Jared, throws one leg over his lap so that she’s straddling his thighs. She kisses his cheek and presses her lips to his ear. “Can we watch it?”

Jared huffs, startled and his hands come up to cup her ass, pulling her more firmly so she’s pressed up hot against his dick.

They end up reclined in the chair, her leaning back against him, his hand high up on her thigh.

“That’s sexy,” she mumbles, when he throws his head back and arches into his fist. She puts her hand on his and moves it up higher, to cup her where she’s already hot and slightly wet.

“You really like this?” he whispers into her ear and she nods and moans when he pushes his finger under the leg of her panties.

He slips a finger inside wet heat and she squeezes her thighs around his hand and mumbles “more.”

He pushes her skirt up, pulls her panties down and she straddles his thighs and helps him get his jeans and underwear down his hips.

They fumble in his desk for a condom and Sandy slides it on, kisses him wet and open and pushes down on him.

By the end of it she’s riding him hard, head tossed back, mouth wet and open.

 

* * *

 

Jared hasn’t forgotten about the video but between school and work and Sandy, he’s sort of just let it push to the back of his mind. And then he gets a call, early morning as he’s heading to campus for a short shift in the store.

“Hey, Jared. This is Jeff Morgan.” Jeff says when Jared answers his cell.

It doesn’t make Jared nervous, but the call startles him. He hadn’t been expecting to hear anything from Jeff for a while, if ever again.

“Hey, Jeff, how’s it going?” Jared presses the phone to his ear and walks a little faster.

“Not complaining. Listen, Jared, I’m just calling to talk to you about coming out and doing another video for us.”

Jared doesn’t say anything, not for a few beats. And then, “really?”

Jeff laughs, “Yes really, you were a big hit on the website, people really loved you and we were bombarded with emails asking to see you come back. What do you say?”

Jared doesn’t know what to say. “Um, what kind of video?”

“Well, actually, what do you say about doing another jerking off video, but this time with Chad? You two have been best friends for a while and our members love to see friends being comfortable enough with each other to get off together.”

Jared has to concentrate on not walking into trees or dropping his phone. “Uh. Wow. That’s a little more than what I wanted to get into,” he says. “Can I think about it and let you know?”

“Absolutely, take your time. I’ll call you at the end of the week just to check in, but take some time to think about it and let me know. Good talking to you.”

Jared says goodbye to Jeff just as he gets to the bookstore.

Thirty minutes into his shift he gets a text message from Chad.

jeff says he talked to u about a vid 2gether. r u in?

Jared quickly sends a message back to Chad, all it says is don’t know.

 

* * *

 

Chad’s in the living room on the couch when Jared gets home in the early afternoon. Chad’s been smoking weed, Jared can smell it in the room, can tell from the fuzzy look in Chad’s eyes.

“So are you going to do it?” Chad says, slow and lazy.

Jared grabs a coke from the fridge and a bag of chips, throws his backpack to the foot of the steps and sits down in the arm chair. “I don’t know, probably not.”

Jared’s spent the whole fucking day thinking about it, about whether or not he really wants to do another video for JDM.com, especially one that would require him and Chad to be naked together, jerking off.

They’ve been through twelve years together. They’ve done a lot of shit, more than most best friends. They’ve never had secrets or things that were too embarrassing to talk about and Jared’s older brother Jeff used to tease them about being “careful of how much time you spend together, people are going to start thinking you’re dating.”

None of it ever bothered Jared but he’s pretty sure there are some lines you’re not supposed to cross.

Chad was there when Jared lost his virginity, though, when he was fifteen and Chad was sixteen in the hotel suite of a senior on prom night.

They never talked about it afterwards but it wasn’t a shameful thing and Chad has brought it up every now and then.

Jared’s been following Chad since he was five years old and Chad’s family moved down the block. Chad was a year older and at five, six, seven years of age, that seemed like a cool thing.

By the time college rolled around, Jared had been following Chad for so long that it just made sense to follow him to A&M.

 

* * *

 

“JT, I think you should do it. It’s no big deal, it’s not like we’re getting married.” Chad says later, after Jared’s had some time to let the idea sink in.

Jared wonders if doing porn, even amateur every once in a while, fucks you up and trivializes things that should be a bigger deal.

“Do you think doing porn fucked you up?” Jared says in response because it’s the first thing that pops into his head and he’s curious.

They’re in Chad’s room, lying in his bed. It’s five in the morning and they haven’t slept and they’re stoned.

“I think,” Chad says slowly, like he’s counting his words, “I was fucked up before.”

Jared turns his head into Chad’s shoulder and breathes, presses his open mouth against the bone and skin there. Chad’s always said shit like that, just come out with it like he’s not ashamed or trying to flaunt it, just left it there like it’s fact.

Jared’s not sure Chad’s fucked up, but maybe a little lost.

“Have you ever done porn with someone you knew?”

Chad shakes his head. “Jeff flies in most of the models from schools like Oklahoma and Tennessee. This guy, Ross, I’d seen him around campus when he fucked me on camera; I think he’s a grad student. But I didn’t know him.”

They haven’t talked about the fact Chad’s been fucked, on a pretty regular basis it turns out, not since the first night Jared found out about the website. But he’s thought about it. He’s not going to pretend he isn’t curious; he’s an eighteen year old guy with a healthy sexual appetite. He and Chad have spent a good portion of their friendship talking about sex, but finding the words to ask Chad what it’s like to get fucked in the ass is foreign territory.

Jared stares at the ceiling and takes a breath. “What was that like?” He says after a few minutes, when he’s not sure if Chad’s still awake.

He feels Chad stir slightly. “What was what like? Getting fucked?” Chad’s voice is kind of rough, a little hoarse.

“Yeah,” Jared mumbles, cheeks flushing weirdly. He doesn’t get embarrassed around Chad, not anymore, not since middle school.

Chad takes a breath, like he’s thinking it over and then he says quietly, “the guy, Ross. Fuck, he really knew what he was doing, you know? He fucking worked me over, like everywhere, like I was a girl he was trying to seduce. He was all attentive and shit, like he really got off on sucking my dick and making me moan.”

Chad’s voice gets softer, and Jared can feel him breathing a little harder, a little faster. “He had these lips, the definition of cocksucking, and I’ve never had anyone deepthroat me before. It was intense and Jeff had to stop Ross cause I thought I was going to blow my load before we even got to the fucking.”

Jared’s staring at the ceiling, listening and trying really fucking hard to not picture any of it. He has no desire to see Chad like that and he’s got an over-active imagination.

“Sophia likes to finger me when she’s sucking my dick, and it’s okay, I don’t get off on it but it’s not terrible. But when he fingered me it was like he knew everything about my body and how to make it good, and fuck JT, I swear I almost came a few fucking times, just from his fingers in my ass.”

“It didn’t hurt?” Jared says then, turning to look at Chad. Jared’s never had fingers in his ass and he’s never had any desire to try it out. It’s weird to him that Chad’s into it. And it kind of looks like he is, he’s got his eyes closed and his bottom lip between his teeth. He’s also kind of flushed.

Chad smiles, a slight quirk of his lips like he doesn’t realize he’s doing it and mumbles, “mmm, no.”

Jared looks back up at the ceiling and counts the beats between Chad’s breaths.

“The fucking, though. That was. I didn’t expect it to feel like that, like I was going to come any second. I fucking swear, Jared, I was on the edge the whole time, no matter what position we were in, I felt like I was going to come.”

Jared has questions, like “what positions” and “did you come with his dick in your ass” but he doesn’t ask any of them, he lets the silence build and listens to the quiet sound of Chad breathing. There’s pale muted light creeping in through the curtains, the sun just barely beginning to rise. It’s Saturday. They’ll probably fall asleep, get up for lunch at the diner on Waverly, and try to make it to the basketball game. Jared likes Saturdays.

 

* * *

 

Chad brings it up again a couple of days later as they’re driving over to get groceries since Chad ate his cereal this morning with water.

“It’s weird,” Jared says, picking at a thumbnail.

“Jared,” Chad says with a sound like a scoff. “It’s not that weird. Remember eighth grade?”

Yeah, Jared remembers eighth grade, when he and Chad discovered their dicks and jerking off and how much better it was when it was someone else’s hand.

And then ninth grade rolled around and all of a sudden it was gay and something they weren’t ever going to talk about.

Apparently, they were talking about it now, however vaguely.

“This is different,” Jared says, kicking his feet up on the dashboard.

“Get your fucking feet off the dash,” Chad says slapping at Jared’s legs. “And fuck yeah this is different, this time we’re not jerking each other off.”

Jared lets out a snort of laughter. “Fuck off. This time we know better. This time, people are going to see it.”

Chad turns his head against the couch cushions to look at Jared. “Look, you’re my best friend. If you’re not into it, I’m not going to push you.”

He drops it after that, turns the radio on and drowns out the silence but in the end, it’s the reason Jared ends up saying yes.

Chad’s a selfish asshole a lot of the time but he’s never more selfless than when it comes to Jared.

Jared figures it’s just one more crazy fucked up thing he and Chad are going to do together in a long list of ill-advised adventures with varying results.

 

* * *

 

Saturday afternoon is rainy and uncharacteristically cool for Dallas in March. They drive over to the compound together, Jared riding shotgun in Chad’s new truck. Jared has to admit, if only to himself, it’s a pretty sweet ride. The seats are a soft, supple leather and the sound system is pretty fucking perfect.

They don’t talk much. The stereo plays some hard driving metal rock Jared’s not familiar with and Chad drums his hands on the steering wheel, doing a little head banging at the red lights. It’s not an awkward ride, just the two of them in their own heads. Who the fuck knows what Chad’s thinking; he seems pretty relaxed, a little amped up maybe. Jared’s all jittery legs and sweaty palms. He keeps picking at his thumbnail, teeth catching on the torn skin around the nail. He glances at the dashboard clock every few seconds, watching the minutes tick slowly by. The drive feels twice as long as normal.

Jared shoves his hands under his thighs and closes his eyes. He’s pretty sure he looks like a wreck, but Chad’s not paying him any mind.

When they get to the house, they walk in together. Jeff gets them a couple beers, a handful of skin magazines and directs them to the back room.

“Why don’t you strip to your underwear and t-shirts,” Mike says from the corner of the room by the window when they walk in. He’s wearing a t-shirt that says “You’re hot” and jeans that hang off his ass. Chad goes over, gives him a handshake and half a hug and Jared watches awkwardly.

He’s maybe a little surprised, Chad’s told him he’s done over twenty videos for the site, but it hadn’t really sunk in. But now, watching him talk to Mike, smiling, heads bent close together, it’s apparent in a way it never was before just how big a deal Chad is for the website and how long he’s been doing this.

It shouldn’t make Jared uncomfortable. And he’s not so much uncomfortable as he is kind of unable to get over the dull hurt low in his stomach that this, this huge part of Chad’s life was a secret until a month ago.

Jared promised Chad, a drunken slurred promise, but a promise, that this wasn’t going to change anything.

It was a promise he shouldn’t have made because he’s learning now he has no control whether or not things change. They’ve already started to.

Jared downs his beer and sets the empty bottle in the bin by the door and strips out of his sweatshirt.

Tom comes into the room. “Hey Jared,” he says, holding out his hand. “Good to see you again.”

Jared shakes Tom’s hand. “You too, man.”

“It’s not too cool in here, is it? I just turned the heat up a bit.”

Jared shakes his head, “no, it’s good.” It’s a little warm which Jared appreciates if he’s going to be naked in less than fifteen minutes.

Tom goes to fiddle with the video camera at the side of the bed. Jared toes off his shoes, pulls his socks off and stuffs them in the pockets of his sweatshirt and yanks off his jeans. When he climbs onto the bed, Chad’s sitting, legs out in front of him in his grey boxer-briefs and red t-shirt.

He gives Jared a bright smile and says, “what do you say, JT? You ready to do this?”

“Damn straight.” Jared rubs his thighs, a nervous habit he picked up a while ago and Chad catches it, eyebrow raised. Jared shrugs. Chad wraps his fingers around Jared’s neck and pulls him close until their foreheads are touching.

“Relax. Just pretend it’s you and me, it’ll be fine.”

Jeff comes in, says “are you two ready?”

“Yes sir,” Jared mumbles and Chad laughs, pushing at Jared’s face. “Such a sweet polite boy you are, JT.”

“Fuck off,” Jared says and starts to relax a little bit. It’s more comfortable this time around, not so much because it’s not new and frightening as it is because Chad’s with him, next to him, smiling and joking like it’s just the two of them all over again.

“Alright, then let’s get to it,” Jeff says, switching on the camera.

“Hey guys, welcome back to both of you.”

“Hey,” they say to the camera in unison. “Thanks.”

“So, you two are pretty good friends, is what I hear. How long have you known each other?”

Chad drapes his arm across the headboard. “Since we were five and six. We grew up down the street from each other and pretty much lived in each other’s pockets.”

“And you decided to go to college together?”

“Yep,” Jared says, turning to grin at Chad. “I followed him.”

“He couldn’t stay away,” Chad says, nodding and grinning.

Jeff asks them a couple more questions and then says, “Okay, boys, I’ll leave you to it.”

They’ve got the magazines spread out on their laps and Jared has a brief sense of déjà vu, of being thirteen and reading the Playboy his brother bought for them, hiding under a fort of blankets in Jared’s bed.

This is a little different than that but not so much because Chad still leans over his shoulder and touches the glossy pages, pointing out the girls he likes, talking low in Jared’s ear about what they would be like.

They’ve always shared close space. They’ve never been good about distance and boundaries and this isn’t any different, their thighs touching, Chad’s chin resting on Jared’s shoulder, breath hot against his skin.

“She looks a little like So-. Uh, you’re girlfriend,” Jared breathes, catching himself at the last second.

Chad nods. “She’s got her lips. Nicer tits though,” and Jared laughs. He doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with Sophia’s tits. But the girl in the magazine is all silicone and plastic and airbrushing so there’s really no comparing the two.

Jared’s getting hard but he’s not sure if it’s the porn or the way Chad’s leaning against him, skin warm where they’re pressed together.

Jared shifts a little, restless. “You hard yet?” Chad says, low and quiet but loud enough that Jared knows the cameras caught it.

“Getting there,” he says, grinning.

Chad pushes the magazines to the foot of the bed and settles back against the pillows. Jared can see that Chad’s already sped up ahead of him, his dick hard and pushing against the worn cotton of his underwear.

Chad gives him a slow lazy grin and rubs himself, palm sliding over his cock.

Heat flares up quick and low in Jared’s stomach. He can feel it in his face, his cheeks warm. He feels like he’s giving himself away and even if the cameras don’t see it, Jared knows Chad catches it from the way his grin changes to something knowing. He lets his eyes slide down, slow and deliberate and Jared thinks, fucking tease.

Jared pushes his palm inside his underwear, curls his fingers around his dick and lets out a quiet hushed sound.

There’s not a lot Jared doesn’t know about Chad. He even knows what this looks like, this isn’t new. And Chad’s a show-off, always has been, in everything he does. Apparently in this too, from the way he licks his lips and lowers his lashes, stares at the camera like he plans on fucking it through the wall.

Competition with Chad, that’s familiar, that’s something he knows how to do and well.

He shoves his underwear down his hips, just enough for his cock to spring free, hard and jutting up against his belly.

When they were younger, thirteen and fourteen, they used to sit side by side and try to figure out whose dick was bigger. Jared looks over at Chad, raises his eyebrow and Chad gets it, shoves his own underwear down his thighs and kicks them to the floor.

Chad’s dick is not as long as Jared’s but it’s thicker around. Jared holds Chad’s stare as he licks his palm and wraps it around his dick. Chad’s eyes widen and he growls and pushes his hips into his palm.

It’s become a two-man show, just Chad and Jared, ignoring the cameras and playing to each other. Jared lets himself look, looks at the line of Chad’s throat, golden and exposed when he lets his head fall back against the wall, at the smooth expanse of skin, the scar on his belly, the way his fingers curl and slide up and down his cock.

It doesn’t do much for Jared but it’s familiar, safe, and Jared appreciates that.

Jared comes all over his fist, come landing white all over his belly. It’s so sudden it knocks the breath from him.

He tries to catch his breath, looks over at Chad to find him pressed back against the pillows, eyes closed, fist working quickly.

Jared reaches over, smears the pad of his thumb over the wet head of Chad’s cock. Chad’s eyes fly open, locking on Jared’s and he arches and comes five seconds later.

“Fuck,” Chad mutters, wiping his hand on the sheets.

“Mm,” Jared arches his back and stretches, feeling lazy and sleepy and really fucking nice.

“Naptime?” Chad mumbles, laughing.

Jared hears Jeff switch the camera off and looks over.

“Nicely done, boys,” Mike says, handing them both wet washcloths.

“Thanks.” Jared takes the washcloth, runs it over his thighs and belly, getting rid of the stickiness.

“You boys hit the showers, thanks for a good shoot.” Jeff’s grinning, a slow easy grin, palms shoved flat in his pockets looking pleased as punch.

Chad wipes his come covered hand on Jared’s belly, laughing when Jared punches him in the shoulder and they wrestle each other off the bed.

Chad beats Jared to the shower. “Fuck you,” Jared says and Chad just grabs Jared’s wrist and hauls him in. It’s huge and they can stand under separate sprays and not have to touch but it doesn’t matter because that awkwardness that Jared was worried about is not there.

The water is just the right side of too hot and Jared and Chad jostle to get underneath the spray. They’re both a mess, covered in come and sweat and it’s fucking weird that it’s not weird.

Chad’s belly and thighs are sticky and white with come and he’s completely unabashed, comfortable to be like this with Jared. Jared doesn’t know if that’s due to all the gay porn Chad’s done or if it’s because they’re best friends and this is just one more thing they did together, one more thing to solidify their closeness.

Jared soaps himself up, hands on his stomach and thighs and watches Chad wash the come off his skin. Jared feels this surge of adrenaline, something like heat in his belly, because fuck, he did that. He’s the reason Chad came hard, all over himself and there’s something hot and heavy that comes with that thought, something more smug than pride, a rush of power, maybe.

It’s sort of addictive, that feeling that he made Chad fall apart like that, with just the touch of his hand.

He wants to try it again.

 

* * *

 

The video goes up two Tuesdays later and within twenty-four hours it’s the most-watched video in JDM.com history.

Jared’s coming out of his early morning Nineteenth Century British Lit class when his cell phone rings.

“Hey Jared, this is Jeff. What do you say you swing by the house later this week?”

Jared agrees to drive out late afternoon on Friday. Jeff says he wants to talk to him about some more video possibilities.

“So did you watch it?” Chad asks when Jared climbs into his truck later that evening. Sophia’s sorority is having some kind of huge excuse to get wasted and laid and yeah, Jared has morning classes tomorrow, so that’s going to be interesting.

“Watch what?” Jared throws his backpack in the back.

Chad pulls out into traffic. “The video. The one we did.”

Jared laughs. “No. Why the fuck would I do that?”

Chad shrugs. “Cause it’s pretty hot.”

Jared looks over at Chad, startled. “You watched it?”

“Yep. I watch all my videos.”

“That’s cause you’re an egotistical fuck.”

Chad nods. “True. And I’m damn fine.”

 

* * *

 

The party is a chaotic mess of people, girls half-dressed in poor excuses for clothing, stumbling drunkenly over each other.

Sophia’s already wasted when she greets Chad with a kiss that’s all tongue and no finesse.

“You seen Sandy?” Jared hollers at her over the noise.

Sophia stares, glassy-eyed and blitzed, like she didn’t hear the question.

“Never mind,” Jared mutters, and side-steps Chad to go in search of something to make this a little more interesting.

Sandy’s nowhere to be seen. The party’s a weird mix of sorority girls and grad students. Chad says Sophia’s sorority has a thing for the grad men and throws most of their parties in an attempt to get them over here.

Jared grabs a beer from the bucket by the kitchen and wanders out back. He’s got his cell phone out, texting Sandy, asking where she is when he bumps into someone, shorter than him, familiar.

“Hey, Jared,” Mike says and Jared blanches for a second and then reaches out to shake his hand. He’s not entirely comfortable with these two parts of his life, school and his recent foray into gay porn, intersecting like this, but he’s not an asshole.

“What are you doing here?” Jared says, moving out of the crush of people.

Mike’s got a red party cup in his hand and he looks like any number of guys Jared’s seen around campus. He fits in. “I go to school here; I’m in the film program.”

Oh. That’s unexpected, Jared doesn’t know why. Of course it makes sense that Mike would have a life outside of porn, that being one of the cameramen for JDM.com isn’t the only thing he does.

“Let me introduce you to my friend, he’s in the MBA program.”

Mike introduces Jared to a good looking guy with hair cut short and stunning green eyes and freckles.

“Jared, this is Jensen,” Mike says. Jared holds out his hand and Jensen takes it with a smile that’s all perfectly white teeth, kind of dazzling in its brightness.

“Hey Jared, good to meet you,” Jensen says, and he’s not exactly hanging on to Jared’s hand but he’s slow in letting go.

It unnerves Jared a little, that and the way Jensen’s looking at him, with an amused glint in his eyes, like he knows something Jared doesn’t know and it’s unsettling.

It’s noisy as fuck and Jared’s feeling slightly claustrophobic, with Jensen standing close and the crush of people around them.

His palms are damp and he rubs them on his thighs, feeling awkward like he hasn’t felt since puberty.

Jensen doesn’t seem to be anything but perfectly comfortable with standing there, not three feet from Jared, drinking whatever it is out of his cup and looking at Jared like he’s never found anything quite so amusing.

“Um,” Jared says and it comes out soundlessly. He clears his throat, shifts his feet and says, “Do you want to go outside?” feeling kind of lame.

Jensen just smiles wider, brighter and holds out an arm. “Lead the way.”

Jared detours through the kitchen for a couple more beers and then leads Jensen to the backyard where the patio is mostly empty save for a couple making out behind a bush.

They sit across from each other on lounge chairs and Jensen says something about last night’s basketball game that spurs Jared on and they get into a heated discussion over San Antonio’s chance at another championship.

Jared’s always made friends easily and talking to Jensen is mostly as comfortable as hanging out with Chad, though every now and then Jared catches Jensen looking at him in a way Jared’s never been looked at before, something dark and thrilling sliding down his skin briefly and then it’s back to normal.

It’s close to three am when there’s a lull in the conversation and Jared realizes the party’s started to die down.

“Well, I'd better go,” Jensen says, getting up and holding out his hand. Jared shakes it and wants to say something like “can I have your number” but he doesn't know how to without giving the wrong impression so he doesn’t say anything and kicks himself for it on the way home.

 

* * *

 

Jared drives out to Jeff’s place on Friday afternoon. He spends the drive completely in his head, replaying last night on a loop.

Jared’s a confident guy, usually pretty comfortable in his own skin. Last night, though, he’d felt completely out of his element. And he’d enjoyed every second of it. Every time Jensen held his gaze a little too long, or let his eyes slide down Jared’s body or leaned in a little close like he was sharing a secret, he liked it all. Especially the way Jensen looked at him, like he was looking for something, like he couldn’t get enough.

Jared almost misses the turn for Jeff’s he’s so caught up in his head. He careens into the driveway, kills the engine and takes a minute to get himself together. He’s not used to being preoccupied with thoughts of guys and their pretty green eyes and ridiculously long lashes and the freckles on their cheeks. It’s kind of freaking him out and a meeting with Jeff is not the best time to be freaked out.

Jeff answers the door with a handshake and a compliment about how popular the video is. Jared shoves his hands into his pockets to keep from fidgeting and nods absently, not really hearing a word Jeff’s saying.

They sit in the living room, drinking iced tea and Jared drifts in and out, trying to look like he’s paying attention.

“So,” Jeff says, setting down his glass on the coffee table and leaning forward, like he’s getting down to business. Jared feels his heart beating faster and keeps his face polite and open.

“You’re pretty popular here, Jared,” Jeff says. Jared doesn’t know how to respond to that. Is it a good thing that there seems to be a lot of guys getting off to Jared getting off? He’s not sure. Maybe he should be insulted, except this is the nature of the gig. He swallows and says, “Uh, thanks, thank you.”

“The next logical step here would be to try doing a scene with another guy, not Chad, getting a blow job from one of our regular models.”

Jared must stare unblinkingly at Jeff beat too long because Jeff just laughs and holds up his hands. “Yeah, I know it’s a pretty big step, especially being that you’ve never done anything with another guy before.”

Jared nods but doesn’t say anything which seems to be fine with Jeff because all he says is, “why don’t you take a week or so to think about it, maybe talk to Chad, and get back to me. No pressure, Jared.”

Jeff makes small talk for a little while longer, asking about how school’s going and how Sandy’s doing before he stands up and sees Jared out.

Jared drives home feeling shell shocked and he’s not entirely sure why. It’s not like he wasn’t expecting something like this, but it’s different being asked flat out to get his dick sucked on camera by another guy.

Jared thinks maybe this is getting a little out of hand. He did the first one with the intention of earning enough to pay for the semester but then he said yes to the video with Chad and now he’s wondering if this is how Chad started out. It feels like a slippery slope, like saying yes to this video means he’s one step from getting fucked in the ass for hundreds of thousands of people on the internet.

He should have just told Jeff flat out no, instead of promising to think about it. Because chances are Jared’s not going to be able to think of much else.

Considering Jared has a million things running around in his head, it’s a miracle he makes it home in one piece.

It’s still pretty light out, not yet dinner time and there are kids riding their bikes and playing in the sprinklers when he turns onto his street.

Chad’s in the kitchen eating uncooked spaghettios out of a can when Jared gets home.

He throws his keys on the table by the door and grabs a Dr. Pepper out of the fridge.

“Dude, that’s fucking disgusting. I know how much money you make, why do you insist on eating that shit?”

“Hello to you too, asshole,” Chad says, mouth wide around a mouthful of mashed noodles.

“How did it go?” Chad says, throwing the can in the garbage and grabbing Jared’s soda from him.

Jared shrugs. “He asked me to do another video.”

“I figured.” Chad hands Jared back his soda and Jared follows him into the living room. “Did you say yes?” Chad asks, flopping down onto the sofa, taking up the whole thing and kicking out when Jared sits down on his feet.

“Said I’d think about it,” Jared mumbles, reaching for the remote.

“What’s there to think about, dude, it’s fucking more money than you could make working for an entire semester at the damn bookstore.”

“I don’t know, getting your dick sucked by another fucking guy? Kind of not my thing” Jared says it with a little more bite than he means to, and he grimaces apologetically in Chad’s direction.

“Look, J,” Chad says, shoving his feet into Jared’s lap, “I don’t think it’s that big a deal, you don’t fall into some kind of gay black hole if you do this video. It’s fun, you get off and you get paid. Don’t hurt yourself thinking so hard about it.”

Jared rolls his eyes at the TV and switches to ESPN.

They watch the first half of the Celtics play Cleveland and Jared’s getting up to grab a couple of beers when his phone rings.

He doesn’t recognize the number but he answers anyway. “Hello?”

It takes less than a second for Jared to recognize the voice on the other end. “Hey, Jared, this is Jensen.” There’s a warmth in Jared’s stomach at the sound of that slow drawl, like dark honey the way it slides down his spine.

Jared’s palms are sweaty but he manages to hold onto his phone. He has no idea how Jensen got his number, though the possibility that Mike gave it to him thrills Jared a little.

“Hey, man, what’s up?” He closes his eyes and says a silent prayer of thanks that his voice didn’t crack and he managed to not stutter. He hasn’t felt this out of his depth in a long time, and never around another guy.

“I don’t know if you have plans tonight but do you want to grab a beer later?”

Jared opens his mouth, closes it, opens it again and nothing comes out. He clears his throat and says, “Um, yeah. Yeah I do, thanks.”

A beer with Jensen. Shit.

“Great, man. Do you know Nick’s Place on University Avenue?”

Jared’s heard of it but he’s never been. “Yeah, I know where it is.”

“Why don’t you meet me there at say, nine?”

Jared swallows and nods and says, “Yeah, okay, sounds good.” It sounds dangerous and reckless, actually, and the fact that Jared’s stomach feels slightly like he just did a loop on a rollercoaster tells him he should have said no, that he should run as far in the opposite direction of Jensen as he can.

Instead he’s agreeing to meet Jensen at a dive bar, just the two of them, and looking at his watch.

“See you then,” Jensen says and Jared mumbles something, goodbye maybe, and hangs up.

Jared wanders back into the living room and Chad’s passed out, mouth open, breathing loudly. Jared sits in the arm chair and tries to watch the game but he’s not having much luck focusing.

He keeps drifting in and out, replaying bits of his conversation, both last night and the brief five minutes they were on the phone together. He keeps thinking about Jensen’s smile, the way his eyes crinkled at the corners when he laughed and the way he looked at Jared, open and unabashed, like he didn’t care if he got caught mentally undressing Jared.

Jared makes it through the end of the game and an episode of King of the Hill before he gives it up and goes to take a shower.

Afterwards, he throws on the cleanest pair of jeans he can find and an old Madison High t-shirt. He towels his hair dry, pulls on his shoes and he’s still got twenty minutes before he needs to leave.

He checks his email, his voicemail and his Facebook, eats two bowls of Cap’n Crunch and scribbles a note to Chad and leaves it taped to his forehead.

He makes it to Nick’s two minutes before nine and when he walks in, Jensen’s already there, waiting for him.

Jared’s not sure how Jensen manages to simultaneously look a) perfect and b) like he didn’t try at all.

He’s at the bar, leaning against it, hip cocked, drinking a beer.

He looks up and smiles when he sees Jared, a slow smile like the sun coming up and there’s something about it that makes Jared feel like it’s meant only for him, warm and kind of intimate.

“Hey, Jared,” Jensen says, a slow drawl that’s like San Antonio in July. Jared swallows and manages a “hey” and slaps hands with Jensen.

“What are you drinking?” Jensen asks and Jared says, “Uh, I’ll have a Corona.”

The bartender asks for Jared’s ID and Jared hands over the fake he bought for a hundred bucks his first week of college.

Jensen ducks his head and Jared can see his smirk but he doesn’t say anything.

The bartender hands Jared his beer and Jared perches on the edge of the stool, feeling huge and fumbly.

Jensen, on the other hand, looks completely unruffled. Jared drinks his beer, watches a few seconds of a baseball game on the TV reflected in the mirror behind the bar, and tries to keep his leg from jittering.

Jensen seems content to just sit there and watch Jared, taking a casual sip of his beer but never looking away.

“So,” Jensen says after five minutes, “how long have you and Chad known each other?”

That’s sort of out of nowhere and, wait, what? Jared coughs, splutters, and damn near chokes to death and after he’s caught his breath, eyes watering, he says, “you know Chad? How do you know Chad?”

Jensen looks amused, and not at all put off by Jared’s reaction. “Mike introduced us a while back, spent five minutes talking to him and he mentioned you six times. Sort of put two and two together last night.”

Oh. Well, that makes sense. Mike and Jensen are friends, Mike and Chad see a lot of each other at Jeff’s.

Jared realizes he’s strung way too tight and takes a deep breath trying to calm the butterflies.

He picks at the label on his beer bottle, hair falling damply in his eyes and looks at Jensen, tries to focus on holding his gaze instead of constantly looking away. “Um, thirteen years? Yeah, he moved to my block when I was five, so thirteen years.”

“You guys are pretty close, then, huh? The two of you ending up here, at A&M, together.”

Jared shrugs. “Yeah, I guess so. He’s been there for so long, we were practically one person when we were younger, I’ve never really thought about it.”

“Yeah, I know how that is,” Jensen says with a faint smile curving his lips and his eyes going soft. “I’ve got one of those.”

“Yeah?” Jared says, throat feeling tight and dry.

“Mmm,” Jensen agrees, signaling to the bartender. “You want another?” Jensen gestures to Jared’s Corona and Jared nods.

“College wasn’t for him but he moved to Houston to try the music scene and comes out here damn near every weekend. My first semester of college my mama would say, “‘how d’you expect to meet new friends if Christian’s there all the time?’”

Jared’s nodding, his parents came to visit during Homecoming weekend and his mama said the same thing when she found out he’d moved out of the dorms and into off-campus housing with Chad.

The bartender drops off their second beers and Jared nods his thanks.

“Uh, so do you play music too?” Jared asks, bringing his beer to his lips.

Jensen gives him a wry smile. “Sometimes, if Christian’s in town or if I’m in Houston and he’s got a gig, I go up and fuck around, but that’s always been his thing.”

“So what’s your thing?” Jared says, sprawling his legs a little to get more comfortable on the wooden stool.

“Writing,” Jensen says and it’s the first time Jared’s seen him not completely sure of himself. There’s a faint pink flush on his cheeks, Jared’s not sure if it’s the lighting or the beers but it wasn’t there a few minutes ago.

“Really? You’re a writer?” That’s kind of. Unexpected.

“You sound surprised,” Jensen says with a bemused smile and just like that the awkwardness is gone.

“No, sorry, no, it’s just. That’s awesome. I’m an English major, or I will be when I declare next year, but I’m thinking of a concentration in Twentieth Century American lit.” Much to his parents' annoyance. His dad wants him to be a history major with a focus on pre-law. His mother wants him to major in Education. Jared just wants to make it through college with his liver intact and some sort of degree.

Jared watches the interest visibly cross Jensen’s face, his eyes lighting up.

“Who’s your favorite author?” Jensen says, leaning forward to hear better over the noise that has been climbing since they got here.

“Easy,” Jared says, shifting closer, “Kurt Vonnegut.”

“No shit? Breakfast of Champions is one of my favorite books.”

Jared feels a grin spread across his face, uncontained. “Get the fuck out, that was the first book I read that made me go, okay this is what I love, this is what I wanna do.”

Jensen’s smiling and shaking his head. “Who would have thought? A pretty boy like you, into Vonnegut.”

Jared’s face flames hot for a second but he doesn’t look away. “Pretty boy? Me? Have you looked in a mirror lately?”

Jensen laughs, shoulders shaking, and he’s nodding. “Yeah, I get that a lot, people expect someone who looks like me to be dumb as a box of rocks.”

Jared laughs harder because he’s spent less than a few combined hours with Jensen but one thing he knows Jensen isn’t, is dumb.

“My ass is falling asleep,” Jared says when he’s stopped laughing.

“Yeah, these stools are uncomfortable as hell. What do you say we move to a table?”

Jared’s nodding and slipping off the stool before Jensen’s finished his sentence.

Jensen just smiles and leads Jared to a smoky corner near the back with a corner booth.

Now that Jared’s on his feet he can feel the beer in him, a pleasant hum in his blood, and a slight buzz in his head.

Jensen slides into the booth, legs sprawled and one arm casually draped across the cracked vinyl seats. Jared slips in next to him, kicks his legs out and leans his head against the back of the booth.

Jensen signals the waitress for a couple more beers and the conversation lulls, Jared drumming his fingers absently on the table and pretending not to notice the way Jensen’s just looking at him, open and honest and much more than just friendly.

The waitress drops off their beers and Jared’s trying not to stare at Jensen’s mouth but he’s pretty sure Jensen catches him, though Jared’s quick to look away.

“So, tell me about your girlfriend, what’s her name?”

Jared starts, blanches a little, because he’s been out with Jensen for the past couple of hours and he hasn’t thought once about Sandy.

“Uh, Sandy, her name’s Sandy,” Jared mumbles, looking down at the scarred wood on the table.

“She cute?” Jensen says with a smile that makes Jared flush, skin hot.

Jared nods. He clears his throat and tries to think of something to say about his girlfriend of six months and he can’t think of anything beyond “she’s into theater.” He grimaces when he says it out loud because there are a thousand things to say about Sandy and her involvement in the drama department is probably not what Jensen was asking about.

Jensen looks like he thinks this is way more amusing than it really is and Jared feels awkward again.

Sometime in the last ten minutes or so, and Jared’s not entirely sure how, they’ve moved slightly closer together, just close enough that when Jared arches his back, stretching his neck, he can feel Jensen’s fingers on his skin where his arm is still stretched out across the seat.

It’s just brief; Jared straightens up and shifts away, as subtly as possible but his skin still buzzes where Jensen touched him.

Jared changes the subject, asks Jensen about his lovelife. “You seeing anyone?” He asks because he’s not going to come out and ask Jensen if he has a boyfriend, even if Jensen’s been making it clear since they met that he’s not into girls.

Jensen doesn’t smile but the look he gives Jared makes Jared’s stomach fall to the floor. His voice is pitched low, low enough that Jared has to strain to hear and it slides over Jared’s skin like syrup. “Not at the moment,” is all he says before he brings his bottle to his lips, looking straight at Jared, and drains it.

Jensen sets the empty bottle on the table and looks at his watch. It’s a nice watch, platinum, from what Jared can tell. Jared knows nothing about Jensen’s family, but they must be well off if Jensen, who’s still in grad school, can afford a sweet watch like that.

“I have to be up early tomorrow,” Jensen says and Jared doesn’t know whether or not he imagines the disappointment on Jensen’s face, but it’s nice nonetheless.

“Okay, I should, uh, probably get home too,” Jared says even though he can’t think of a reason why. He reaches digs out his wallet and Jensen puts a hand on Jared’s.

“It’s on me, Jared,” Jensen says, pulling out his own wallet.

“No, that’s real nice of you but - “

“But nothing, J, I invited you out, let me get this.” Jensen pulls a couple bills out of his wallet and Jared should probably protest more but he’s busy focusing on the fact that Jensen called him J.

Jensen pays the bill and stands up and Jared follows. “Thanks, Jensen,” Jared says and Jensen just grins and says, “you can pay next time.”

Jared absolutely doesn’t stumble over his feet at the thought of doing this again with Jensen.

“You’re good to drive, right?” Jensen puts a hand on Jared’s shoulder and Jared nods.

“Yeah, thanks, I’m fine. Promise.”

Jensen looks at Jared like he’s thinking of calling bullshit but he just holds out his hand and Jared shakes it and thanks him again.

Jensen’s apparently parked in the small lot behind the bar so he leaves Jared at his car.

“See you soon, Jared,” Jensen says quietly.

Jared climbs into his car and waits until Jensen’s disappeared to start it up and pull into the street.

 

* * *

 

It takes three days for Jared to come to a decision regarding another video for Jeff.

The money Jeff quoted him is a big draw, he won’t have to worry about next year’s tuition, but that’s not what he’s thinking about. He’s thinking about the rush he got every time Jensen held his gaze a little too long or smiled at him, and wondering if maybe there’s something to be said for giving sex with a guy a shot. He kinda wants to know whether he can do it, or whether he's more likely to run away screaming.

When Jared calls Jeff on Tuesday morning, Jeff sounds like he knew all along what Jared’s answer would be.

“Excellent, I’m glad to hear that, Jared,” Jeff says, after Jared’s told him yes. “I know your schedule’s tight with school and work but how does Friday afternoon work for you?”

It’s a little, fuck - a lot, sooner than Jared was thinking but he’s got the time then so he says, “that’d be fine.”

And then Jared has three days to freak out and think about changing his mind.

 

* * *

 

On Friday afternoon Jared’s stomach is a mess. He can’t get out of his head, didn’t sleep at all last night and he’s done nothing but second-guess this decision.

Jeff sent him an email yesterday telling Jared he’d be doing his scene with Ross. It doesn’t escape Jared’s notice that this is the guy who fucked Chad, the guy who’s apparently the most popular model on JDM.com and the guy Jeff goes to for “breaking in” his new models.

Jared thinks this information is supposed to set him at ease but it does the opposite, just makes him more antsy because this guy Ross is supposed to be some kind of stud, an expert at “de-virginizing” Jeff’s straight newbie models.

Jared’s a little freaked out.

Jared gets to Jeff’s around four and he can tell by the brand new F150 in the circular driveway that Ross must already be inside.
Mike answers the door with a grin and an enthusiastic, “Jared! How’s it going?”

“Um, good, I’m good,” Jared says, nodding, aware that he’s lying and thinking it’s probably pretty fucking obvious how nervous he is.

Jared follows Mike into the living room and it’s laughably like a scene from a movie, everything crawling to slow-motion as Jared recognizes the voice before he sees the face.

“Hey, Jared, good to see you, come meet Ross, or as he prefers to be called, Jensen Ackles.”

Jared loses his footing and trips against the cream sectional. He feels like he stumbled into some sort of huge practical joke, like he’s the last one in on some big secret.

He’s staring at Jensen, this guy who’s crawled under his skin and lived in his head since they met a week ago, and he goes cold all over.

Jeff’s standing between Jared and Jensen, seemingly oblivious and Mike’s conveniently slipped out of the room.

“Jensen, this is our newest model, Jared Padalecki,” Jeff says.

Jensen’s face is impassive, Jared can’t read a thing on him, but he’s never been that skilled a liar and he can tell by Jeff’s concern that his own feelings are written all over his face.

Jensen holds out his hand. “Nice to meet you, Jared.”

Jared has a couple of options here. He can turn around and get the fuck out of here and try to forget Jensen ever existed, or he can play nice and do his best to get through the next few hours.

Jared grits his teeth and shakes Jensen’s hand and if his grip is a little too tight or he shakes a little too hard, well, he can’t help it.

“So,” Jeff says, clearly fumbling for a reason to leave them alone, “We’ve got some setting up to do so I’ll just give you boys a few minutes to get to know each other.” Jeff gives Jared a worried look and all but runs out of the room.

“You asshole,” Jared spits out, dropping Jensen’s hand and putting enough space between the two of them so he can get a handle on his urge to bury his fist in Jensen’s pretty face.

From a safe distance away Jared takes a good look at Jensen. He looks good, he’s dressed in jeans and a button-down and he looks the same as the last time Jared saw him only now he’s gone pale and he’s looking less confident and sure of himself than Jared remembers.

“Look, Jared, I didn’t know until yesterday that you were the model I was shooting with today.”

Jared has to give Jensen credit; he’s looking right at him, eyes on him as he talks.

“I know you’re pissed, you deserve to be, I should have told you about this, but. I just.” He pauses to take a breath and he looks away for a minute. When he looks back he says, “I like you. I knew about you modeling for Jeff, that you were one of his straight recruits but I wanted to see if maybe you were into me, outside of all this bullshit.”

Jared’s relaxed a fraction, he’s not quite as tense but he’s finding it difficult to ignore the feeling of being duped. He’s sitting on the edge of the love seat, completely rigid and watching Jensen who’s standing in the middle of the room, doing this pacing thing that looks completely out of character on him.

“Look,” Jensen says, sighing, “if you want to back out, I’ll talk to Jeff and get you out of the shoot. I’m sorry; I didn’t want you to find out like this.”

“Can you just. Sit down? You’re fucking making me nervous.” Jared has to dig his fingers into his jeans to keep from fidgeting as it is.

Jensen exhales sharply, suddenly and he moves to the adjoining sofa and sits down, not quite as rigidly as Jared but not the relaxed sprawl Jared remembers from Friday.

“Can I ask you something?” Jensen says after a few minutes of terse silence.

Jared looks at him and nods.

“Why’d you agree to do this video? Is it just for the money?”

Jared thinks about lying, about saying yes. He shrugs instead and says, “I guess, I don’t know, I guess I was curious. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I make next to nothing working at the book store. I need the money. But it’s not just the money.”

Jared looks at Jensen and says, “My turn. How long have you been doing this? I know about you and Chad so it has to be at least a little while, then.”

“Five years,” is all Jensen says. He says it quietly, unapologetically but soft.

“Oh.” Jared can’t think of anything else to say.

Jensen says, “So, Jared, do you want out? I can tell Jeff something, anything, if you want to leave.”

Jared’s still here. He hasn’t made up his mind about anything but he’s still here and they’re still talking. “Do you want me to?”

“Jared. You already know the answer to that,” Jensen says softly and Jensen’s right but Jared wants to hear it.

“Tell me anyway,” he says stubbornly.

Jensen smiles then, a small tilt of his lips and he says, “No, I don’t want you to go.”

Jared’s about to say something but Jeff comes back into the room, a concerned look on his face. “Everything alright here?”

“It’s fine,” Jared mumbles, not looking at Jensen.

“Great,” Jeff says with something that sounds a lot like disbelief. “Well, let’s get started.” He ushers them into the bedroom where he’s got everything set up.

“Have a seat on the bed,” Jeff says absently, fiddling with the camera.

Jensen leans back against the headboard, legs spread, knees bent, looking as casual as can be.

Jared sits up at the headboard but at the opposite side on the edge of the bed, like if he freaks out he’ll have the quickest exit.

“So JT,” Jeff says, turning on the camera for the introduction. “This is your first time with another guy, is that right?”

Jared flushes but he does his best to look relaxed. “Yeah,” he says, giving a small smile for the camera.

“We paired you up with Ross, one of our most popular models to help ease you into the experience.”

Jared can feel Jensen’s eyes on him but he concentrates on staring into the camera. He feels like he’s a second away from losing it and he needs to focus on something, anything to keep from bolting.

He feels Jensen shift barely, minutely, but then there’s Jensen’s body heat against him and it’s sort of reassuring. He doesn’t know Ross, but he knows Jensen, he’s comfortable with Jensen.

“Well, alright, I’ll let you two get to it,” Jeff says, giving them the cue.

Jensen doesn’t bother sitting up. He reaches across the bed to grab Jared’s wrist and pulls, yanks until Jared falls sideways and has to twist himself so he’s leaning over Jensen, holding himself up on his elbow, his palm braced flat against the bed above Jensen’s head.

Jensen hooks his finger in the neck of Jared’s t-shirt, doesn’t lift his head, just tugs and makes Jared come to him.

Jensen doesn’t kiss him, not right away. He lifts his chin to press his lips against Jared’s ear and whispers, “relax, J, we’re going to have so much fun.”

Jared’s whole body floods with heat at that. He doesn’t say anything, just adjusts the space between them and presses his mouth, lips dry and closed, against Jensen’s. Jensen has very soft lips. It’s a shocking thing, but Jared doesn’t know what he was expecting, he has nothing to compare this to.

Jensen parts his lips, slides his tongue out to lick along Jared’s lower lip. He moves his hand around to the back of Jared’s neck, fingers pushing into Jared’s hair and his hold is firm and kind of reassuring, not so much dominating as it is guiding.

Jared’s hyper aware of the whir of the cameras, the three pairs of eyes watching, of Jensen’s hand on him. Everything feels awkward, heavy. Jensen places his palm flat on Jared’s chest and pushes, just firm enough that Jared gets the hint and rolls to his back. Jensen follows in a seamless, smooth motion that reminds Jared, in a sudden and slightly overwhelming way, just why he’s here with Jensen. Because he’s the best at this.

Jensen’s sort of on his side, sprawled over Jared in a way Jared gets is meant to give the cameras the best possible view and angles.

Jared’s trying to shut everything out and forget that he’s making porn but it’s not working all that well.

Jensen slides his mouth over Jared’s, tongue licking at the seam of Jared’s lips. Jared’s vaguely aware that Jensen’s going deliberately slow, like this is a seduction. In a way Jared supposes it sort of is but it’s weird to be on this end of it, with Jensen focusing all this energy and attention on Jared.

Jared thinks if he could stop fucking thinking so much he might be able to enjoy the way Jensen feels against him, the slow deliberate way he kisses, the way he tastes, sweet and sharp.

Jensen untangles his fingers from Jared’s t-shirt and slides his palm flat up Jared’s chest to cup his cheek. Jared huffs a breath of air, hot against Jensen’s lips, startled. It’s incredibly intimate somehow; more-so than the kissing and Jared reacts to it with his whole body, hips pushing up against Jensen, back arching slightly.

“Why don’t you take this off?” Jensen says, teasing and light, tugging at Jared’s t-shirt and shifting to his knees. His hands slip underneath the worn cotton, palms hot against Jared’s skin and he drags it up Jared’s chest until he can half sit up and let Jensen tug the t-shirt off.

Jared falls back against the pillows and Jensen follows, pushing a thigh between Jared’s legs. This time the kiss isn’t so innocent, Jensen’s mouth opening the second it touches Jared’s, sliding his tongue between Jared’s lips like it just belongs there.

Jared doesn’t mind it, thinks he actually kind of likes it because Jensen can fucking kiss. It’s somewhere between lethargic and frantic and it’s got Jared’s skin prickling with shivers and his face heating up.

Jared’s not sure what to do with his hands so he rests them at Jensen’s waist. Jensen breaks the kiss to lick the corner of Jared’s mouth, sliding slow and lazy down his jaw until his lips close over the hollow of Jared’s throat. Jared groans, can’t help it when Jensen sucks the skin there, pulls it between his teeth. Jared shifts, arches his hips up into Jensen and digs fingers into his skin. Jensen bites, just a little, just enough that Jared’s going to have a bruise to explain away later. He licks repeatedly at the marred skin and Jared can feel it all the way down to his toes.

Jensen pulls back suddenly, whips his t-shirt over his head and then he’s back and he’s not giving any distance, not giving Jared any chance to panic or second-guess. They’re touching everywhere, pressed skin to skin. Jensen’s palm is back, cupping Jared’s jaw, thumb stroking along Jared’s clean shaven skin, kind of gentle but making little points of pleasure pop up.

He pushes his fingers past the waist of Jensen’s jeans, inside his underwear and digs in. Jensen’s hips push hard into Jared’s knee, twisting and hunching down and then Jensen’s scrambling back, fingers yanking at the buttons on Jared’s jeans.

Jared watches Jensen’s face as Jensen works Jared’s jeans and underwear down his hips, tossing them to the side of the bed. Jensen’s looking a little sweaty, a little flushed. Jared can’t help feeling smug. He folds his arms underneath his head and waits.

Jared’s half hard, his dick lying against his thigh. Jensen kneels between Jared’s legs, wraps his fingers around Jared’s dick and licks the head. And Jared stops feeling so smug because Jensen apparently majored in dick-sucking in college and Jared’s going to come in less than two minutes from the firm, steady pressure of Jensen’s mouth on him, sucking him hard.

Jared pushes his hand through Jensen’s hair, and because Jared’s a nice, polite guy he mutters, “Is this okay?” He figures Jeff can edit that out later. There’s no script, no lines to say, no guidelines really. Jared figures going with it, doing what comes naturally, is the best way to go.

Jensen pulls off with a slow, obscene, sucking sound. He looks up, eyes smiling, and licks his lips which are pink and slightly bruised looking. “More than okay,” he says; voice like leather, kind of gravelly.

Jared sighs, shaky, and Jensen goes back down, takes Jared in. Jared twists his fingers in Jensen’s hair. He tugs, just slightly, just enough and there’s a hitch in Jensen’s breathing that stutters over Jared’s dick.

Either Jensen’s a really fucking good actor or else he gets off on having a dick in his mouth. Jared’s having trouble paying attention to anything other than the wet slide of Jensen’s tongue on his dick, the hot suction when he closes his lips over the head, but it’s hard to ignore the way Jensen pushes his hips into the mattress, hard and deliberate and swallows around Jared’s cock like he’s actually getting off on it.

Sandy’s never been all that crazy about giving head, and Jared’s never had it like this, like he’s actually going to come from it. But he’s never seen anyone be so into it either. Jensen keeps sliding his eyes up, deliberately, like he wants Jared to see him do it. He takes his time, mouth full, sliding wetly over Jared’s dick and lets his eyes move up, over Jared’s belly where the muscles are pulled taut, trying to rein himself in, up Jared’s chest where he’s flushed pink and slightly sweaty, and when they lock on Jared’s it’s fucking intense, and Jensen just watches him as he sucks on the head of Jared’s dick.

Jared pushes at Jensen’s head, forcing him to pull off, and looks over at Jeff.

“You’re close?” Jeff asks from behind the camera.

Jared tries to say something but he’s having trouble catching his breath so he just nods, trying not to look at Jensen or he’s going to come before Jeff has a chance to set up the shot.

“Okay,” Jeff says, “So, Jensen, why doesn’t Jared come on your face,” Jeff says, like he’s suggesting they work on a car together or something.

Jensen just nods, all professional and agreeable and Jared’s got his hand wrapped firm around the base to keep from coming.

Jensen scoots up against the pillows. He’s in just his boxer-briefs and Jared can tell he’s hard. That’s. Unexpected. And really fucking hot.

“Come up here and fuck my mouth.” Jensen’s grinning, a slow, sexy as hell grin that makes Jared think Jensen actually wants it. He says it low, like he’s not at all concerned if the cameras pick it up, like maybe it’s meant just for Jared.

Jared’s never had any desire to put a dick in his mouth. The way Jensen’s looking at Jared, a slight pink flush on his cheeks and eyes a little squinty at the corners makes Jared think about what Jensen would look like, having his dick sucked. And, frighteningly, makes him think about what it would be like to be the one doing the sucking.

Jared straddles Jensen’s chest and shudders a little when Jensen palms his ass, fingers digging in just slightly, pulling him forward.

Jared can hear Tom and Mike shuffling to get the shot but he tunes them out and focuses on the wet push of his cock between Jensen’s lips. It’s all wet heat and this impossibly perfect pressure that’s slowly intensifying, making Jared shudder slightly and arch up into it. When he looks down to take it all in he has to dig his teeth into his bottom lip because the added visual brings Jared way too close to the edge. Jensen has the pinkest mouth, and his lips are a little bruised, swollen and wet and Jared can’t tear his eyes from the slow glide of Jensen’s mouth working him deeper, getting him wetter, slicker, until it’s this sticky mix of saliva and pre-come and Jensen’s wrapping his hand around the base and jerking Jared in rhythm with his mouth. It’s obscene, the way Jensen’s lips stretch around him. Jared keeps getting tiny glimpses of pink tongue, just the tip, slipping past Jensen’s lips. It’s compelling and hot and it's impossible for Jared to look away.

Jared curls his fingers in Jensen’s hair, braces his other hand palm flat against the wall behind Jensen’s head and tilts his hips up, hissing as the head of his dick shoves against the roof of Jensen’s mouth.

Jared does it again, and Jensen’s palm, slick and wet, wraps tighter around the base of Jared’s dick.

“‘M close,” Jared mumbles and Jensen lets Jared slip out of his mouth with a slick wet sound and jerks him, quick and steady.

Jared groans when the first bit of come lands at the corner of Jensen’s mouth. Jensen tilts his head back and the rest lands on his throat.

Jared’s barely aware of Jensen’s hand wrapped around his own cock, doesn’t realize he’s coming until Jensen’s fingers dig in tighter and Jensen digs his teeth into his bottom lip.

Jared scrambles off of Jensen, panting, trying to catch his breath and he stares at Jensen’s belly, covered in come. It’s shocking, fucking shocking, that Jensen came like that, with Jared’s come landing on his skin like it wasn’t repulsive or disgusting, like it was what pushed him over the edge.

Shocking, and more than a little bit hot.

“Well, boys,” Jeff says, turning the camera off, “good work.” Jared feels weird, like he did a good job at something when all he was doing was getting off.

Jared doesn’t look at Jensen as he rolls off the bed and takes the wet washcloth from Tom. He does look after he’s grabbed his clothes and is at the door and then it's a mistake, because Jensen’s got his arms above his head, up against the pillows in the most “come over here and fuck me” pose Jared has ever seen on anyone. Ever. His dick is lying against his belly, his boxer briefs pushed barely off his hips. Jensen catches Jared’s eye, catches him looking and he doesn’t smirk but he does give him a sleepy, satisfied smile which is as dirty as a smile gets, especially with come still cooling on his jaw.

Jeff, Tom and Mike leave the room, pointedly giving Jared and Jensen space and privacy to clean themselves off which strikes Jared as weird given what they just watched them do.

Jared’s kneeling naked on the bed and he’s aware of how sweaty and sticky he is and slightly chilly. He moves to get up, find his clothes and hopefully take a long hot shower before Jeff needs to see him, but Jensen reaches out and catches him by the wrist.

“C’mere,” he mumbles and pulls Jared toward him and leans forward to meet him halfway. He’s got Jared’s come on him and he’s flushed and slightly sweaty. He’s fucking gorgeous.

The sound Jared makes when Jensen kisses him, a sweet brief brush of lips against his, is this embarrassingly needy whimper that comes out of nowhere. Normally, he'd be able to control himself, but Jared’s defenses are down. Apparently, coming your brains out will do that to you.

Jared’s freaking out. He realizes this on some level and he’s probably pretty fucking transparent. When Jensen pulls away, he says, “I’ll see you later,” and it’s quiet and soft and leaves no room for doubt that Jensen has no intention of letting Jared forget about this.

Not that there’s any chance in Hell of that happening. Jared could live a thousand years and never forget the feel of Jensen’s mouth on him, the way his lips looked, swollen and wrapped around his dick like they were made for it.

Jared mumbles something, maybe “shower” or “cold” or something, he’s not sure, and scrambles off the bed, grabbing blindly at his clothes.

He takes a very long time in the shower, underneath the spray of water as hot as he can stand. He comes out feeling clean and sleepy.

He doesn’t run into Jensen as he’s grabbing his check from Jeff though his truck’s still in the driveway when Jared gets into his car.

Jeff pays him and promises to call soon. Jared’s afraid of what he’ll let himself get talked into next.

 

* * *

 

Jared goes home after the video shoot and gets wasted with Chad and Sophia. He spends all day Saturday working, spends Saturday night with Sandy and her theater group at some artsy gathering and Sunday is spent catching up on school work.

In between, he jerks off seven times. And only one time does he not think of Jensen.

By Monday, as he’s heading to the bookstore for his morning shift, he’s pretty annoyed at himself for being annoyed that Jensen hasn’t called.

Jared’s sitting on a stool behind the counter, a textbook open in front of him, when the bell on the door rings and he looks up to see Jensen coming in.

He looks sort of soft, his hair tousled, his jeans authentically frayed, a few days worth of stubble shadowing his jaw. It’s a good look for him.

Jared’s stomach starts doing somersaults and he scowls, pissed off at himself for being swayed by Jensen and his stupid green eyes and the soft smile he gives Jared when he catches his eye.

“Hey, J.” It’s an honest to God drawl, drawn out to more syllables than needed and Jared flushes as it hits low and hard in his gut.

“Hey, Jensen,” he says, unfolding himself from his stool to reach out and shake Jensen’s hand because Jensen’s standing there waiting.

“How you been?” Jensen says, one hand in his pocket.

“Good. You?”

Jensen makes an affirmative sound and says, “Listen, I came to see if I could talk you into having a beer with me later this week.”

That’s a bad idea. Jared can’t think of a worse idea in the history of bad ideas. And instead of saying so, instead of telling Jensen that seeing him again is the shittiest idea Jared’s ever heard, he opens his big mouth and says, “oh uh. Yes, sure, that sounds. Good. That’s good.” Like the biggest fucking moron who ever lived.

 

* * *

 

Jared’s still mentally banging his head over seeing Jensen when Jeff calls that afternoon. The video hasn’t even gone live yet so Jared figures Jeff must have liked what he saw when he was doing the edits.

Jeff makes some small talk and Jared rolls his eyes as he walks across the green to his last class of the day, wishing Jeff would just get on with whatever it is he wants to say.

And then what Jeff says is, “How would you feel about doing another video with Jensen, only this time he’d fuck you,” and Jared wishes he could take it back. He wishes he hadn’t answered his phone, or that he hadn’t just seen Jensen earlier looking better than anyone really had a right to look.

Jared’s heart is hammering in his throat and he opens his mouth to say something but all that comes out is this weird sort of choking sound. Jeff doubles the fee from the last video, laying it on the table.

“I need to think about it,” Jared mumbles. “I’ll call you later tonight and let you know.” He barely hears Jeff’s response before he hangs up. He thumbs his phone to vibrate and makes it to class in time to spend the entire hour and a half thinking about Jensen naked.

The money is really good but it doesn’t even register with Jared. In his mind he was asked how he felt about letting Jensen fuck him. And in his mind, Jared’s very fucking for it.

Jared tells Jeff yes as he’s driving home and Jeff sounds pleased and not at all surprised.

“How does Thursday afternoon sound?” Jeff wants to know and Jared practically squeaks when he says, “this Thursday?”

Jeff laughs, “yes, this Thursday” and Jared just mumbles “okay, that’s, yes that’s fine.”

 

* * *

 

Jensen calls Jared up the day before the video shoot.

“Hey, Jared, do you want a lift out there tomorrow?” Jensen says, when Jared answers the phone.

Jared’s palms are sweaty. He’s twelve all over again and he should just back out now.

He should say no, because he’s nervous and confused enough as it is and a twenty-minute car ride with Jensen is the last thing he needs. But, “yeah, okay thanks,” is out of his mouth before he can stop himself and Jared fools himself into thinking he can hear Jensen smiling over the phone.

 

* * *

 

“Dude,” Chad says, standing in the doorway, shirtless in his underwear. “I can hear you thinking from my bedroom.”

Jared’s staring at the ceiling, arms folded underneath his head. Chad’s leaning against the doorjamb, eyes sleepy, hair mussed.

“Are you having some sort of gay crisis or something?” There’s no heat or accusation in Chad’s voice, it’s sleepy-soft and as sweet and sincere as Chad gets.

Jared doesn’t want to talk about it. Well, he maybe does.

“JT,” Chad says on a sigh. “You’re thinking way too much about this.” The room is mostly dark but for the small lamp on the desk in the corner.

Jared doesn’t make room but Chad climbs into the bed anyway, pressing himself up against the wall on his side, leaning over Jared.

“It’s sex. You like sex. I don’t get why you’re freaking out.”

Jared opens his mouth to say he’s not freaking out, but a) it would be a lie and b) Chad knows better. Chad always knows better.

And the thing is, Jared likes sex. He hasn’t been having much of it for all that long but he likes it. He likes sex with Sandy and he fucking loved what he and Jensen did. But it's not just sex. If it was just the sex, he wouldn’t be this fucked up about it; he wouldn’t be lying awake at three in the morning with sweating palms and his heart in his throat, thinking about Jensen with his freckles and his laughing green eyes.

It’s not just sex.

But Jared’s not ready to say that out loud.

“So what,” Chad says after a few minutes. “You like this guy? Is that it?” Jared continues to ignore Chad and stare at the ceiling. It’s not going to get Chad to go away, because Chad’s not going to give up until he’s ready.

“When did you start liking it?” Jared says when it’s been long enough that Chad could be asleep.

He’s not though, but his voice is slow and far away sounding when he says, “Gay sex? I don’t know. The first time I got fucked. The guy really fucking knew what he was doing.” Chad sounds a little dreamy.

They don’t say anything else for a while and Jared’s nearly asleep, his body heavy and warm, Chad’s breathing soothing in his ear, when Chad says, “it doesn’t always have to mean something big and earth shaking, JT.”

Jared doesn’t know what to say to that so he doesn’t say anything.

 

* * *

 

Jared skips his Thursday morning class in favor of staying in bed and quietly freaking out. That doesn’t work out so well so he goes for a run instead, hoping to calm the nervous energy and the urge to puke all over his shoes.

He showers and shaves and tries to make himself look halfway normal but he’s still a jittery mess when Jensen picks him up in the early afternoon.

Jared answers the door and Jensen’s waiting on the other side looking relaxed.

“Hey,” Jared mumbles and it’s like this automatic reaction at this point for his face to get hot when Jensen look at him and smiles that half smile that seems to hold a thousand dirty promises if Jared just had the nerve.

“Hey.” Jared still hasn’t figured out how Jensen manages to make it sound suggestive and inviting just with the way he says it, slow and drawn out.

Jared thinks Jensen means to shake his hand or give him a hug and Jared sidesteps it as casually as he can because Jensen touching him right now is not a good idea. Jared’s so tightly strung he feels like he’s going to shatter in any given moment.

“You ready to head out?” Jensen says and he must notice how keyed up Jared is but he’s nice enough not to say anything.

Jared straightens up and shoves his hands in his pockets. “Yeah, let’s go,” he says, stepping out to the stoop and turning to lock the door.

He can feel Jensen beside him, all that raw heat and energy that Jared’s noticed is always right under the surface with Jensen.

The ride over to Jeff’s is quiet, not all that comfortable though that’s mostly Jared’s fault. And Jensen’s, for smelling good and smiling privately to himself and singing along with the radio in a voice that makes Jared pleasantly warm all over.

Jeff gives a Jared a tumbler of whiskey, hands it to him with a pat on the back. “Just to help you relax a little,” and Jared takes it with a thankful nod.

“Okay, guys,” Jeff says before he turns the camera on. “Jared, Jensen knows what he’s doing, so just relax and go with it. I’m going to just let the cameras roll. I’ll stop you if I need to but I just want this to be as natural as possible, so there won’t be much directing. Sound good?”

Jared nods and Jensen smiles.

There’s a formula to these kinds of videos, it’s been broken down for him by Tom, but he also knows that “Ross” is notorious for messing with the formula or ignoring it all together.

It’s somewhat startling when Jensen leans over and presses his mouth to the curve of Jared’s ear, his breath warm, and whispers, “gonna make you feel so good, J, you have no idea.”

Jared’s whole body floods with heat and he and Jensen are barely touching but it almost feels like too much, the bare press of Jensen’s lips against his jaw. He smells really fucking good and Jared’s heart is beating way too fast in his chest.

Jared takes a shaky breath and turns his head just enough so he and Jensen are pressed together, forehead to forehead and he can feel Jensen’s breath against his cheek. Jensen’s shifted so he’s sitting up, facing Jared.

Jared swings his legs up and mimics Jensen so they’re face to face cross legged on the bed, barely touching.

Jensen cups Jared’s cheek and leans forward and Jared barely catches his breath before Jensen brushes his lips against Jared’s.

Jared’s never been kissed so gently before, not tentative just soft and sweet, like he would kiss if he were seducing a girl. Only now he’s the one being seduced.

Jensen’s lips are soft against Jared’s and when Jensen’s lips part, Jared can taste him, the faint hint of something sweet and sharp on his lips.

Jared makes a noise and reaches up to palm the back of Jensen’s neck where his hair is soft and downy. The kiss gets gradually deeper, slightly parted mouths, and then tongues touching and then Jensen’s surging to his knees, Jared rising to meet him and it’s a wet slide of lips and tongues.

Jensen wraps an arm around Jared’s shoulders and tips himself backward to lie on the bed and brings Jared with him.

Jared lets out a startled breath and braces himself over Jensen, vaguely aware of the whir of three cameras and the proper angles.

“That was smooth,” Jared breathes out against Jensen’s lips and Jensen laughs, startled and pleased.

“I’ve got moves,” he says breathlessly, grinning into Jared’s mouth.

Jensen has one arm draped loosely around Jared’s waist and he tugs, forcing Jared firmly against him, hips pressed together.

“Yeah, like that,” Jensen hisses and Jared’s breath catches when Jensen pushes up into the press of Jared’s dick against his.

Jensen’s got his hands splayed low across Jared’s back now and it’s nice to have Jensen touching him like this. Jensen’s mouth opens underneath his and they kiss, slow and lethargic but it gets more frantic in gradual increments, Jensen tightening his grip on Jared’s back, his hips shifting and pushing up, ratcheting up the intensity until Jared’s hard, pushing into Jensen’s thigh. He can feel Jensen against him, just as hard and Jensen’s breathing is a little uneven.

Jensen rolls them so Jared’s on his back and slides down so he’s kneeling between Jared’s spread thighs. He pushes Jared’s t-shirt up his chest so it’s rucked up under his arms and presses open mouthed kisses up his belly.

“Let me see you,” Jensen whispers into Jared’s mouth and sits back pulling Jared up so he can yank his t-shirt over his head.

Jensen stretches out over Jared and kisses him hard, all swollen lips and tongue and Jared groans and pushes up into it, running his palms down Jensen’s back, his skin warm through his thin t-shirt.

Jared feels the intensity ratcheting up in increments, this frantic feeling building up in his bones, like he’s going to come any second and it’s just made worse when Jensen grinds down and surges up and mumbles hot against Jared’s skin, “Can't wait to fuck you.”

“Je- Jesus,” Jared bites out. He digs his fingers into Jensen’s waist and gets a knee between Jensen’s thighs and oh god, that’s this perfect combination of friction and pressure and rhythm and Jared throws back his head on the pillow and just pants, gasping for breath and praying he doesn’t come.

Jared feels Jensen slow down, hips still working but like he’s trying to keep them from tripping over the edge. Jared opens his eyes and bites his lip at the way Jensen’s looking at him.

“God, J, you have no idea how gorgeous you are,” Jensen breathes, just barely a whisper. Jared prays that Jeff knows enough to edit this stuff out, the parts where they forget themselves.

Jared feels this sense of urgency, this need to get closer to Jensen, to feel as much of him as he can. He pushes Jensen’s t-shirt up, and Jensen pulls back enough to take it off. Jensen leans down to lick at him, which Jared really likes, likes the gentle way Jensen’s mouth trails down his stomach, the feel of his tongue darting out to lick Jared’s skin.

Jensen reaches for the waist of Jared’s jeans, gets them open and undone and doesn’t bother pulling them off, just pulls Jared’s dick out and gets his lips around it.

Jared lets himself touch, he likes the way Jensen feels under his hands, he likes the way his hair feels, all soft and free of product, like he just doesn’t have to try that hard. Jared lets himself watch as he trails his fingers down Jensen’s cheek, to touch briefly at the place where the skin is pulled tight around Jared’s dick. Jared trails his thumb to Jensen’s lips, wet and pink and touches them briefly before letting go. It’s safer to keep his hands to himself, clenched in the sheets, and to watch.

Jared thinks he’s not that far from coming and he’s about to say something but Jensen pulls his mouth, slow and tight off Jared so there’s a slight pop and then he’s doing this incredibly smooth, ridiculous hot slide up Jared’s body, sliding his jean-clad leg between Jared’s thighs and rubbing for just that perfect amount of friction.

“Feel like returning the favor?” Jensen breathes the words, hot and wet into Jared’s ear.

There’s no pressure or taunting when Jared pulls back to look at Jensen, just a genuine question.

The idea of putting Jensen’s dick in his mouth, of trying to make Jensen come apart the way Jared feels like he’s going to any time Jensen touches him or so much as looks at him? Makes Jared’s breath stutter in his chest.

He takes a second, presses his forehead to Jensen’s shoulder and tries to steady himself.

“Hey, J,” Jensen mumbles just low enough that it’s meant only for Jared, “you alright?”
Jensen’s got his palm flat on Jared’s chest and Jared knows Jensen can feel just how out of control his heart is beating right now.

Jared takes a breath that feels shaky and nods. Jensen smells amazing, slightly musky and sweaty and fresh and Jared would be okay with just staying right here with his face pressed to the warm, sweat-damp skin of his neck, breathing him in and anchoring himself in this.

“I’m good,” Jared says and can’t help pressing his lips to the soft skin below Jensen’s ear, sucking a kiss there briefly before shifting up to his knees and pushing Jensen to his back.

Jensen doesn’t wear particularly tight jeans but Jared has no problem seeing how hard he is. Jared’s fingers feel clumsy as he fumbles the snap on Jensen’s jeans, pulling down the zipper. Jared looks up and Jensen’s lying against the pillows, chest rising and falling rapidly, skin flushed and damp with sweat.

Whoa. Jared has a physical reaction, his stomach swooping like the floor dropped out from beneath his feet, at seeing Jensen frayed around the edges like this. It’s a dangerous dangerous thing, the effect Jensen has on Jared.

Chad’s was the first dick Jared touched other than his own but this, reaching into wrap his fingers around Jensen, is nothing like that. This is thrilling and terrifying and hot beyond words, the way Jensen hisses, a sharp intake of breath like he wasn’t quite expecting Jared to touch him like this. It comes with the realization that Jared has power he didn’t quite understand until just now, the power to make Jensen as nerve-wracked and needy and overwhelmed as Jared’s been feeling since they met.

Jared watches Jensen as he pulls his jeans and boxer briefs down his hips to his thighs and Jensen’s dick pushes up against the golden skin of his own belly. Jensen’s eyes are dark, mostly pupil, and heavy lidded, and his lower lip is caught between his teeth. He’s watching Jared like he can’t look away.

Jared gives him a small, shaky smile that feels a lot like “I have no idea what I’m doing wish me luck” and bends down to take Jensen between his lips.

Jared knows less than nothing about giving a blowjob, but he knows what he loves, what feels good. He concentrates on that part of it, on flattening his tongue, covering his teeth and hollowing his cheeks. He sucks on just the head, lips sealed around the skin. He’s never had much of an oral fixation but the pressure of having his mouth filled like this sends a thrill racing down his spine.

He makes a low groan of approval low in the back of his throat because there’s just something about this, Jensen in his mouth, the muscles in his thighs quivering under the press of Jared’s hands that Jared fears he might not be able to get enough of.

His bangs are hanging messily in his eyes but he looks up just to see if this is any good for Jensen.

Jensen is essentially an actor, getting paid to look like he loves fucking on camera, but Jared doesn’t give a shit about that because Jensen’s got his head back against the pillows, throat stretched taut, shiny with sweat. His chest is rising and falling rapidly and his fingers are clenched in the blankets, like he’s trying to keep from flying off the bed.

Oh god. Jared shifts, his hips pushing hard into the mattress and pleasure shoots straight up his spine, curls low and hot in his stomach and this is getting entirely out of hand.

He pulls off with a slick sound, licks his lips and looks over at the cameras. Jeff nods, doesn’t say anything but Jared gets the message. It takes Jensen slightly longer to catch his breath and remember himself and then he’s the star again, smoothly flipping Jared over to his back and kissing him, licking into his mouth and making encouraging noises.

When Jensen pulls away to finish getting undressed, Jared takes a moment to move just slightly out of reach so he can calm himself down just enough that he doesn’t feel like he’s going to lose it any second. He doesn’t watch Jensen get naked, just focuses on getting out of his own clothes, pushing his jeans and underwear to the floor.

They face each other again, completely naked and Jared doesn’t look down, doesn’t look anywhere but at Jensen’s face. He can’t.

“Get on your front,” Jensen says, voice scratchy and rough. Jared does, unfolds himself to lie face down on the sheets. This part, however attracted to Jensen Jared is, is the part he’s been dreading. Everything’s just so clinical. Jensen moves them both up the bed, gets Jared on his front, his cheek resting on the cool cotton of a pillow, his arms folded and tucked beneath the pillow.

Jared doesn’t look as Jensen reaches for the bottle of lube lined up on the bedside table. He tries not to pay attention to the sound of the cap being opened. He moves, startled at the first press of cool, slick gel on his skin. Not there, not yet, just wet fingers touching his balls. Jared really likes that, he likes how confident and sure Jensen’s fingers feel, it’s sending pleasant feelings humming through Jared and he’ll take as much of that as he can get.

He’s mostly relaxed, not so high strung when he feels Jensen move his fingers back and down and then one’s pressing at Jared’s hole, gentle and sure.

Jared gasps, he really can’t fucking help it and the first instinct is to squeeze his ass and resist anything trying to get in.

And then, so sweet and unexpected, he feels Jensen’s mouth press briefly to the small of his back. It’s warm, slightly open and wet and it’s oddly reassuring. It gets Jared to take a deep breath and melt a little into the bed and then the tip of Jensen’s finger pushes, not hard enough to push in just resting there, letting Jared feel it. It’s a fucking good strategy because Jensen just moves the tip of his finger over that spot a few times and it’s feeling pretty okay, okay enough for Jared to start pushing back into it and letting himself loosen up a little, fucking literally.

Jensen breathes hot air into the really sensitive skin low on Jared’s back and pushes, a very slight amount of pressure and the tip of his finger slides inside. Jared has never had anything in his body and this is all different kinds of weird and maybe a little uncomfortable. Jared focuses on the feel of the soft cotton against his cheek and the reassuring solid feel of the mattress beneath him, anchoring him and grounding him and giving him a feeling that’s oddly safe, like he can just lay here and let Jensen do his thing and when it’s over he can disappear into the shower and get on with forgetting any of it ever happened.

Jensen slides his slick finger slowly into Jared’s ass and it’s not getting better really, but it doesn’t hurt for now, and that’s nice at least. Jensen moves his finger, crooks it forward, pushing against something that feels fucking amazing and that’s so sudden and unexpected. “Jesus,” Jared breathes into the pillow, shifting because it’s a really fucking good feeling but it’s intense and Jared has a moment of panic where he thinks he might come all over himself, just like that.

“Mmm,” Jensen breathes against the curve of Jared’s hip, “you’re so tight, J. So fucking hot and tight around my finger. I can’t wait to feel you on my dick.”

Jensen needs to stop talking right the fuck now because Jared’s going to embarrass himself in a second if he doesn’t.

Jensen works a second finger inside and lets Jared get used to the way it feels, shifting and twisting them and that’s nice and pleasant but not really the same intensity.

Jared feels actually a little sleepy and having fingers in his ass is not necessarily a comfortable or relaxing thing but he closes his eyes and pays attention.

He’s vaguely aware of Jensen reaching for the condom, of lube being generously applied to his ass, and then Jared panics because that’s Jensen’s dick pushing at his asshole and that’s a lot more frightening in reality than he was ready for.

Jared thinks the best thing to do is to take it, just grit his teeth against the fucking painful stretch and wait for Jeff to tell Jensen it’s okay to come.

It’s difficult to detach himself, especially when Jensen presses a kiss to the back of Jared’s neck, lips soft, breath hot and mumbles, “breathe, J, it gets good, I promise,” and he nudges forward just slightly and Jared presses his cheek to the pillow and groans.

He reaches behind awkwardly, feeling for Jensen, gets a hand on his hip and pulls, waiting for Jensen to get the picture and just push all the way in. But Jensen’s apparently doing this on his own schedule. He pulls Jared’s hand off but curls his fingers around Jared’s and just rests their entwined hands on the bed.

Jensen leans forward, starts trailing small brief kisses up Jared’s spine. Jensen presses his chest to Jared’s back and kisses the side of his neck, licks the skin beneath Jared’s ear, which makes Jared a little frantic, and pushes all the way in.

Jared groans and bites his lip, tries to stifle the sound out of embarrassment. Jensen starts to move, slow steady thrusts in and out, pulling out most of the way and then thrusting in, gentle and firm and Jared’s grateful for the slow pace because there’s a definite burn that’s not really going away. Jared can feel every inch of Jensen against him, where he’s lying on top of Jared essentially and it’s a warm welcome weight.

Jensen pulls out; a hand on Jared’s hip and nudges him to his back. “Bend your legs,” he says, hoarse and flushed and Jared braces his feet flat against the mattress, knees bent.

Jensen gets more lube on his dick and pushes slowly back in. The angle is different, nice.

Jared comes almost as an afterthought, not really thinking about it but Jensen touches his dick, curls his fingers around him, strokes him a couple of times and Jared comes on his own stomach, warm and wet on his skin.

Jensen pulls out seconds later like it’s all too much. He pulls the condom off, tosses it to the side and falls carelessly to his back. Jared’s still lying there kind of dazed. He looks over to catch Jensen jerking himself off, eyes closed and head back, throat pale and stretched taut.

Jensen comes not a minute later with a sharp groan, all over his own stomach. Jared rolls over - He’s so blissfully exhausted, his brain completely offline and he’s sure it’s a terrible idea but Jensen’s belly is all golden skin and taut muscles and there’s come dotting his skin. Jared lifts his head and darts out his tongue to pick up the strand of come just beneath Jensen's belly button. It’s heavy and salty bitter on his tongue and not particularly appealing except for the fact that Jensen goes completely still, eyes flying open, and he makes this low shuddering sigh that makes Jared do it again, licking the taste off Jensen’s sweaty skin.

And then, Jared gets half hard all over again when Jensen curls his fingers in the sweat damp hair at the nape of Jared’s neck and hauls him up the bed, until Jared’s on his side, looming over Jensen. Jensen’s eyes are sleepy around the corners and still dark and wanting when he brings their mouths together, pressure steady on Jared’s head, tongue sliding along the seam of Jared’s lips. It takes Jared a minute to realize that Jensen wants Jared to open his mouth, that it’s not a gross thing to have his come on Jared’s tongue.

Jared can’t help the tiny startled sound he makes and he opens his mouth, takes Jensen’s tongue between his lips. Jensen licks at Jared’s tongue like he licked Jared’s dick, taking the taste of his own come from Jared’s mouth.

They’re still kissing, slow and sticky and messy, when Jeff clears his throat and says, “Well, that went well.”

Jared breaks the kiss but Jensen doesn’t let him pull too far away, keeping his hand curled in Jared’s hair so that when Jared looks across the bed at Jeff, his nose is pressed against Jensen’s cheek, his lips against Jensen’s jaw.

Jeff’s grinning and shaking his head. “We’ll just leave the two of you to get dressed,” he says and he ushers Tom and Mike out of the room.

Jared stares at the empty doorway, unwilling to move, unwilling to look at Jensen.

He startles a little when Jensen says quietly, vibration against Jared’s skin, “you alright?”

Jared just hums, like that’s an answer and takes a deep breath. When he turns his head, he and Jensen are inches apart. Jensen’s just watching him, this steady, unnerving gaze that makes Jared feel like all of his thoughts are showing. Though he’s not entirely sure what his thoughts are.

He feels pleasantly like his bones have dissolved and he’d be content to lie here until he falls asleep but his head’s racing and there’s this slight feeling of dread sitting heavily in his stomach.

“J,” Jensen says softly, “stop thinking so much.”

Jared pulls away then, sits up enough to get some space between the two of them.

“I’m just, I’m going to go shower,” he mumbles. It’s making him think things he doesn’t want to be thinking, being here on this messy, rumpled bed with Jensen so unashamedly naked, relaxed and sated and letting off this energy like he wouldn’t mind pushing Jared over and doing it all over again.

Jared himself doesn’t think he’d mind it and that in itself is way more than he can handle at the moment. He gets to his feet and nearly stumbles into the wall because his legs are shaky and that has never happened to him.

Jensen catches him, sitting up suddenly and steadying him with a palm on his hip. “Hey, easy,” Jensen says in this ridiculously low, soothing voice that is doing nothing to calm Jared. “That happens sometimes, after getting fucked,” Jensen tells him quietly.

Jared steps away, skin buzzing everywhere, Jensen’s hand print burning into his skin. “Thanks, I’m fine,” he says but it’s hoarse and he doesn’t sound anything like fine.

Jared gathers up his things and takes off for the bathroom without looking back at Jensen.

Jared manages to make it to the bathroom without anymore stumbling though when he climbs into the shower he has to lean against the wall as the water washes over him.

He leans his forehead against the tile and the water falls down his back. His head is racing, a million images flashing in bits and pieces all of them a replay, all of them of Jensen. And every memory brings a physical reaction, his stomach swooping like he’s on a roller coaster, his face flushing, his pulse hammering.

If Jensen wasn’t waiting to take him home, Jared thinks he’d stay here forever, until the water ran cold and his heart stopped racing. As it is, he forces himself to shower quickly, ignoring the fact that he’s half hard.

Jensen’s out by the car when Jared comes out after grabbing his check from Jeff and he’s leaning against the hood, hair wet, cheeks pink from the shower.

“You have a good shower?” It doesn’t feel like an innocent question, though it’s spoken like one but it’s impossible when Jensen’s looking at him like that, eyes dark like he’s remembering exactly how Jared looks underneath the clothes.

Jared mumbles something that might be a yes and moves to climb into the truck but he stops, one hand on the door. He feels like maybe he should clear the air first, the memory of Jensen's come on his tongue making him hot all over and also like maybe Jensen’s got an impression of him that isn’t accurate.

“Hey,” he says, turning to look at Jensen who’s still fucking leaning like everything is easy and normal.

Jensen looks at him expectantly and when Jared doesn’t say anything he straightens, steps away from the truck and closer to Jared.

“I’m not. I’m not usually like that,” Jared says, looking at Jensen’s throat. There’s a tiny dark purple bruise below his jaw. Shit, Jared thinks. Shit, he did that, and the memory of the way Jensen tasted and smelled is almost overpowering.

Jensen doesn’t look like he notices. “You’re not like what?”

“Um,” Jared fumbles, “I’m not usually that. That dirty,” he says, forcing the words out in a rush like he just can’t hold onto them.

Jensen’s face changes, his eyes getting darker, a look on his face that makes Jared think about things like falling to his knees right now, getting his mouth on Jensen all over again. Fuck. Jared needs to get the hell out of here, the hell away from Jensen, back to Sandy, his fucking girlfriend, the one he hasn’t thought about all day.

Jensen shifts closer, close enough that Jared can feel Jensen’s breath against his skin. “That? Jared, that’s nothing, that’s just some vanilla fucking.” Jared hisses, a sharp intake of breath and he tries to take a step back, to put some distance between them because he can’t quite breathe and Jensen is making it worse, the way he smells, the feel of him when his thigh brushes against Jared’s.

Jensen tucks a thumb in the waist of Jared’s jeans and fucking pulls, and Jared bites his lip against a sob because Jensen’s not playing fair and their hips are mostly lined up, Jensen’s thigh pushing between Jared’s.

“If you want to know what dirty is,” Jensen breathes, looking right at Jared, eyes hot and dark, “I mean, really fucking dirty, J, you’re welcome to come home with me.”

Jared moans then, a low caught sound he can’t quite stifle and sort of sags against Jensen for a moment, trying to get his bearings.

He pulls back and says nothing because what the hell is he supposed to say. Yes please, take me home and show me please please please.

It’s fucking tempting beyond words.

He steps away and immediately misses Jensen’s heat, his smell, the feel of his breath against Jared’s skin.

It takes him three tries to get the handle open on the door and only then because Jensen finally steps away and moves around to the driver’s side to get in.

He hisses, a loud, shocked sound when he sits. “Shit,” he mumbles, face flushed hot. He ducks his head and tries to be as discreet as possible about the fact that this really intense pleasure just shot up his spine. He wasn’t expecting it but he’s not sure that would make it any less overwhelming, this fucking sense memory of having Jensen in him, of being fucked so openly, of being completely filled.

“J,” Jensen says and Jared looks over sharply because he has never heard Jensen sound like that, voice rough and sort of wrecked. There’s this pink flush high on his cheek bones and his eyes have gone mostly black.

“M fine,” Jared mumbles though he’s not, not really, he’s ready to come again from the feeling in his ass and the way Jensen’s just staring at him.

He slumps down in his seat and that eases the tension in his spine a little.

Jared stares at the floor and Jensen starts the car. The two of them don’t say anything on the drive back; it’s just the sound of some alt country station filling the truck.

Jensen pulls into the driveway of Jared’s place and idles.

“Thanks for the ride,” Jared says and climbs out of the truck.

“You could call me,” is all Jensen says before he takes off.

Jared watches Jensen’s truck disappear around the corner and goes into the house to shower.

He showered less than an hour ago but that was perfunctory and necessary. He locks the bathroom, shucks his clothes and turns the water on as hot as he can stand.

He lets it fall over his skin, sharp and just the right side of painful but it’s a cleansing and Jared’s grateful for it. He stands there until his skin is red. He reaches behind himself, forehead braced against the tiled wall, and touches just the tip of a finger to his hole. It’s really tender and sore but that same intense pleasure shoots up his spine and he groans and wraps his hand around his half hard dick.

He braces a palm flat against the wall, water falling down his back and jerks himself slow and hard, thinking about Jensen’s face when he came, about that explosion of intense pleasure when Jensen pushed his hips hard, his cock sliding all the way in. What makes Jared come, though; hot and sudden over his fist is the memory of leaning over Jensen and licking come from Jensen’s taut skin, the sounds Jensen made and the way it felt on his tongue.

Jared stays against the wall, catching his breath until the water’s washed his come down the drain. He soaps himself up afterward, rinses his skin and steadfastly ignores the urge to touch his ass again.

Chad’s in Jared’s room, straddling the desk chair, waiting when Jared gets out of the shower.

Jared ignores him in favor of throwing on a clean pair of sweat pants and an old t-shirt.

“So?” Chad says when Jared’s dressed and sitting gingerly on the edge of the bed.

“My ass hurts.” It’s this dull sort of ache and the thing of it is, it’s sort of turning him on. Again.

Chad snorts a laugh. “Yeah, that happens. It goes away after a while.”

“It’s intense,” Jared says and Chad nods.

“Dude. Do you ever. Uh. Do you ever get fucked when it’s not for Jeff?” Jared doesn’t know if he should be asking. Probably not.

Chad doesn’t look offended though. “Sure, once or twice. I like it, it’s good, right?” Chad looks at Jared and Jared just shrugs. It was more than good but he doesn’t feel like talking about that. Not now.

“But I like Sophia,” Chad continues. “I like being with her. Though, she does, every now and then, she fucks me with a strap-on. And that’s. Holy shit, that’s amazing. And she really gets off on it which just makes the whole thing that much hotter.”

Jared chokes a little. That’s a lot of information about Sophia that he didn’t need or want to have. He tries to picture Sandy doing that to him but it doesn’t work. What he liked about getting fucked by Jensen was a whole lot less about having a dick in his ass and way more about the way Jensen looked at him, and kissed him and felt against him.

“Jared,” Chad says slowly, “are you. What are you thinking?”

Jared gets up abruptly and goes to his closet like there’s suddenly something very important he needs to find. “Nothing,” he mumbles, pushing through clothes.

“Bullshit,” Chad says, and Chad’s not his best friend for nothing.

“Leave it alone, Chad,” Jared says. “It’s nothing.”

Chad looks like he’s getting ready to argue but Jared ignores him and heads for the kitchen. Chad doesn’t follow.

 

* * *

 

Jared spends that night at a frat party with Sandy, drinking himself stupid and watching the door, waiting for Jensen to magically appear.

Sandy keeps asking him if he’s alright. Jared does his best to ignore her without looking like he’s ignoring her.

He ends up in the back of Chad’s car at three am and he’s not sure how he got there.

“Where’s Sandy?” He slurs, sitting up. It doesn’t quite work, his body feels like jello and his head feels like it’s about to fall off, like he can’t hold it up.

Chad’s in the front, alone. He looks at Jared in the rearview mirror. “She went home. She called and asked me to make sure you got home alive.”

“Oh shit,” Jared says and falls over, landing sideways on the seat, as Chad makes a turn. He doesn’t bother moving.

“She was pissed, wasn’t she?” Jared’s voice sounds loud in his ears and his tongue feels heavy, pushing against his teeth and slurring the words.

“That’s my boy, JT, the fucking genius.” Chad doesn’t sound upset, maybe a little annoyed. In the morning, Jared’ll have to apologize. If he remembers any of this in the morning.

When they get home, Chad drags Jared up to his room. It takes a good twenty minutes since Jared’s vision is blurry and he keeps tripping over his feet and stumbling into walls and doors.

“Fuck, you’re heavy,” Chad hisses as he falls through Jared’s bedroom doorway with Jared leaning on his back.

“You’re my BFF,” Jared sighs, drooling on Chad’s neck.

“And you’re disgusting, get the fuck off.” Chad dumps Jared on his bed and helps Jared get his shoes off.

Jared nearly falls off the bed trying to get his t-shirt off and he’s breathing hard and sweating when he finally gets under the sheets in just his boxers.

Chad sits down on the edge of the bed and looks hard at him. Jared closes his eyes.

“You’re freaking out about something,” Chad says quietly.

Jared falls asleep thinking of the right thing to say to that.

 

* * *

 

He wakes up Saturday morning with the worst hangover he can remember ever having.

Chad’s in the kitchen, cooking hot dogs in the microwave when Jared stumbles downstairs, wincing against the sunlight and the noise of a basketball game on the television and Chad’s stupid grinning face when he sees Jared.

Jared’s being punished. He’s being punished for Jensen, for lying to Sandy by not telling her, for everything. “I hate karma,” he mumblewhispers, as he leans over the sink and waits for the inevitable vomiting to begin.

It comes a little while later when he’s sleeping on the bathroom floor, his cheek pressed against the cool tile and when it’s finished, he feels slightly human.

He takes a shower and four aspirin and he’s mostly naked, a towel around his waist, dripping water everywhere when his phone rings.

It’s not Sandy, he’s going to have to be the one to call her. It’s Jensen. Jared stares blankly at the read out on his phone, his heart racing, and he answers right before voicemail kicks in.

“Hey, Jared, how’s it going?” Jensen’s voice is low, familiar, but still new, still unexpected in the way it slides down Jared’s skin and makes him flush all over.

“Hey,” Jared croaks. “It’s uh, shit, it’s fine. I’m just. I’m a little hungover.”

Jensen makes a sympathetic sound. “I was calling to see if you wanted to grab that second beer we never got around to, but if you’re hungover, we should do it another time.”

“Or you could come over,” Jared says before he can make himself shut up. “Tonight,” he says as an afterthought, just in case Jensen needed clarification. “I could order a pizza, we could watch the game.”

Jensen doesn’t hesitate. “Sure, that sounds good, I’ll come over, say, around eight?”

“Eight’s good,” Jared says.

When they hang up, Jared feels guilty for being excited about pizza with Jensen when he should be buying Sandy flowers and dinner and groveling at her feet.

Jared leaves a message on her home phone, knowing she’s not in, instead of calling her cell. He makes an apology that sounds insincere and promises to see her tomorrow.

He spends the afternoon on the sofa, napping and watching TV, Chad coming in and out and Jared doing his best to ignore him in hopes of putting off the questions he knows Chad has.

Jensen arrives a little after eight, a few minutes after the pizza. He’s in jeans that look like he’s had them forever, falling off his hips, clinging to his thighs, and an old threadbare cotton t-shirt that is two sizes too small.

He looks amazing, of course he looks amazing, and Jared feels huge and awkward.

“Hey,” Jensen says, slow soft smile lighting up his eyes. “I figured beer was out so I brought cream soda and root beer.” Jensen holds up a six pack of each, the old fashioned kind in bottles and Jared grins.

“I love cream soda,” he says, and Jensen’s smile gets brighter, wider.

They take everything into the living room and spread out, food on the coffee table and Jensen and Jared on opposite ends of the sofa.

They make it through the pizza and the first half of a basketball game and it’s companionable, a couple of guys hanging out but there’s this tension between them, at least on Jared’s end. Or maybe it’s just the fact that he keeps glancing over at Jensen and getting caught up in the set of his mouth, the way his lashes brush against his cheeks, how relaxed and at ease he seems to be.

Jared gets up to go to the bathroom and when he comes back, he has to slide past Jensen to get to his seat. He stumbles a little when Jensen looks up and catches his wrist.

“Hey, J,” he says but it’s just a slow blur of syllables, this honey smooth drawl that melts through Jared and makes him shiver.

Jared stands there, caught, unable to move because Jensen’s staring up at him and Jared can’t look away.

“C’mere,” Jensen breathes, just a bare hint of sound. He pulls and Jared stumbles and goes, falls to the sofa, one leg caught between Jensen’s, hooked over Jensen’s knee, and Jared lets out a startled whoosh of air that gets lost in Jensen’s mouth, his lips brushing Jared’s, opening right away.

Jared groans and digs his fingers into the back of Jensen’s neck, holding him close. They have pizza and root beer and cream soda breath but it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t make any difference, not when Jensen’s tongue touches Jared’s, licks the corner of Jared’s mouth, pushes back in and makes Jared feel inside out, mixed up and breathless and out of sorts.

Jared can’t get enough of this, of the way Jensen kisses and how different it is, but still Jensen, than the videos. Jensen’s not putting on a show and he’s not being deliberate about it, it’s this mix of sweet and intense and soft and messy and Jared’s never been kissed like this, like this is the part worth working for.

Jared cups his fingers around Jensen’s jaw and Jensen pushes into it, into the kiss and into Jared. Jared’s other hand presses against the base of Jensen’s skull, holding him close and Jared falls to his back, unfolding along the length of the sofa, bringing Jensen with him.

Jared arches his back, pushes his hips up and makes a choked off sobbing sound when Jensen grinds down hard into him.

“Jesus, Jared,” Jensen mutters, mouth open against Jared’s.

Jared spreads his thighs and sinks down further into the sofa cushions; spine braced so he can lift his hips and wrap his leg around Jensen’s waist.

“Oh my god,” Jared means to say but it comes out a frantic breath and a jumble of meaningless sound.

Jared wants to strip naked, get Jensen naked, and feel all that skin against him, feel Jensen’s solid warm body bare against his. He pushes his palms under Jensen’s t-shirt, tries to get it up over his head and Jensen pulls back, panting. His eyes are dark, his lips swollen pink.

“What. Why are you stopping?” Jared gasps, trying to catch his breath and trying to keep Jensen’s heat and weight on him, reassuring and solid.

“I think we should slow down,” Jensen says but he’s breathing hard and Jared doesn’t believe him, not from the way Jensen’s looking at him, the way he’s touching him.

“I don’t. I want you to fuck me.” Jared kisses Jensen’s jaw, licks along the stubble there and feels Jensen’s reaction, the press of his hips against Jared’s, the race of his pulse under Jared’s palm where it’s pressed flat against Jensen’s chest, the skin hot beneath the thin cotton.

“I’m not going to fuck you now.”

“Why not?” Jared says breathlessly, trying to pull Jensen back to him. “It’s not like you haven’t already.”

“J,” Jensen says chidingly, “come on. This isn’t the same. This isn’t fucking for the sake of fucking.” He touches his thumb to the corner of Jared’s mouth in this impossibly sweet gesture that makes Jared’s breath catch. “You don’t know what you want,” Jensen says, eyes soft, voice low and gentle.

Jared opens his mouth to say something but there’s nothing to argue with. Jensen’s right. Jared’s head is a mess over this and in the back there’s Sandy who never deserved to be treated the way he’s been treating her.

Jared tucks his face in against the warm, sweet smelling skin of Jensen’s neck and breathes. He can feel Jensen shiver and he clings to him for a second.

Jensen pulls away gradually. “I should go,” he says quietly.

Jared doesn’t want him to but he nods. “Okay.”

They unfold themselves from the sofa and it’s obvious they’re both hard and neither wants to say goodbye. Jared walks Jensen to the door.

“I’m serious,” Jensen says, “I want you to call me when you know what you want.” He looks like he’s thinking of kissing Jared, but if that happens Jared’s pretty sure he won’t let Jensen pull away so Jared says, “good night,” and closes the door.

It’s still pretty early for a Saturday night, not yet eleven, and Jared’s restless and horny and all he wants is for Jensen to come back.

He wanders upstairs to check his email and maybe think about getting started on the assignments that are due for class on Monday.

What happens instead is he ends up on JDM.com. His newest video isn’t up yet, of course, but his last one with Jensen is a “featured” update.

He clicks on it and enters into “full screen” mode.

It’s not even a close second, having Jensen on video in front of him but it’s better than nothing and Jared’s so hard he’ll probably come in just a few minutes of watching himself with Jensen and jerking off. He unzips his pants and pulls them and his underwear down his thighs, his dick springing up hard and wet at the tip. He curls his fingers around his dick as he watches Jensen kiss the onscreen version of himself. It’s this insane, out-of-body thing, watching himself but he’s focusing on the pink glide of Jensen’s lips, the ripple of muscle in his back, the curl of his fingers around Jared’s wrist.

Jared’s close to falling apart by the time Jensen opens his mouth and takes Jared’s dick between his slightly swollen, kiss-bruised lips. Jared works his hand faster and watches Jensen’s mouth and when the camera pans up to his own face, flushed and sweaty; he jerks up hard and comes all over his fist.

He watches the rest of the video and by the time he crawls into bed and falls asleep, he’s come a little closer to figuring out what he wants.

 

* * *

 

He wakes up with a heavy sense of dread in his stomach on Sunday.

He’s not sure what he wants from Jensen, if it’s fucking around or something more than that, but he knows he wants more than hanging out and being “friends.”

He doesn’t have a choice, not really. He has to tell Sandy. And there’s nothing to do but let her yell at him and cry and try not to be a coward about this. He’s done a lot of damage already and the best thing to do, for her, is to tell her the truth. Which is why he feels hungover all over again, his stomach flipping and his palms sweating as he drives over to her dorm.

He parks in student parking and walks to her building, his brain racing, all the worst-case scenarios running around in his head.

He calls her when he gets to the circle of brick buildings on the far edge of campus. “Hey,” he says when she answers, “I’m outside.”

She hesitates for a second and then says, “Okay, I’m coming down.”

He sits on the steps fidgeting and he doesn’t hear her until she sits down next to him.

He can tell from the way she’s sitting, back straight, shoulders rigid, that she’s still mad.

“I’m sorry,” he says, turning to look at her. “I was an asshole. I’ve been an asshole for a while now.”

“You never talk to me anymore, Jared,” she says quietly. “I don’t know what’s going on with you.”

He takes a deep breath. This is the part he’s been dreading. The part where he has to see that look on her face, in her eyes, that he let her down, that he hurt her.

It comes out slowly, bits and pieces, about meeting Jensen at the party and the video shoots. He can’t look at her as he talks; he stares at his hands, at the cracks in the sidewalk.

There’s nothing but quiet when he’s done, and he hunches in on himself, waiting.

She takes a deep breath and he turns to look at her. She’s got tears in her eyes when she says on a choked whisper, “Are you gay?”

It’s a question he doesn’t know the answer to, the question he’s been dreading. “I don’t know,” he says honestly. “I just. I want to be with him.”

“I just wish you hadn’t pushed me away. I wanted you to let me in, tell me what was going on with you.”

“Would that have made this any easier?”

She shrugs and gives him a weak smile. “No, probably not.”

When they say goodbye there’s no promise to be friends but Jared leaves feeling like the weight in his stomach’s been lifted.

 

* * *

 

Chad’s still in bed when Jared gets home. Jared doesn’t bother knocking and he doesn’t worry about waking him up, he just kicks off his shoes and climbs into the bed, hollering, “Move your fat ass over.”

“Fuck off and die,” Chad mumbles, pulling the pillow over his head.

“You’re such a lazy asshole,” Jared says, grinning.

“Hey, dickhead,” Chad says, opening one eye to glare at Jared, “I was fucking sleeping.”

Chad’s not much on advice but he’s always been good at listening, even if he’s sometimes an insensitive asshole later about it.

Jared listens to Chad’s breathing, counts the beats in between and when he’s ready he says, quietly so that he can pretend it never happened, “I think I’m having a gay crisis.”

Chad doesn’t move but he opens his eyes so Jared knows he’s listening.

“I broke up with Sandy. I cheated on her,” he admits, “with Jensen. Um, Ross.” He tells Chad the whole story, all of it, how he really fucking loved the sex with Jensen and now he’s a little fucked in the head about it and Chad listens and doesn’t say anything for a bit.

There’s some silence and then Chad rolls to his side and looks Jared square in the eye. “Do you think it makes you less somehow? JT, I don’t think it’s a big deal if you’re into guys. Are you?”

Jared shrugs. He still doesn’t know the answer to that question. Saying he’s gay for Jensen seems like a cop out.

The thing about Chad is he’s fiercely loyal and Jared knows it wouldn’t matter to him if Jared was suddenly into goats. But Jared can’t help feeling like this changes things somehow.

“Damn it, JT,” Chad says suddenly, throwing an arm around Jared and tugging so Jared’s head is pressed against Chad’s sweaty armpit.

“You’re a fucking idiot, and I love you and you should stop thinking so loudly so I can get some fucking sleep.”

Jared snorts and pushes at Chad. “Get the fuck off, you reek,” and when Chad rolls over and puts Jared in a headlock, Jared thinks maybe nothing’s really changed.

 

* * *

 

It’s after midnight when Jared drives over to Jensen’s house. He sits in his car for close to forty minutes in front of his building and talks himself into a frantic indecision. It’s a little before one am when he gets out of his car and rings Jensen’s doorbell.

He’s got anxious butterflies in his stomach and a low hum of anticipation throbbing in his veins but he’s still not ready for it when Jensen opens the door. He’s wearing sleep pants that practically fall off his hips, and Jared can’t help but notice the trail of hair beneath his belly button that disappears into the waistband of his pants. Can't help but notice the groove of his hipbones. Jensen’s hair is mussed, like he’d been in bed but he doesn’t look like Jared woke him up.

“Hi,” Jared says and his first instinct is to look anywhere but at Jensen but he drove all the way over here and he’s not that much of a coward.

Jensen tilts his head, questioningly, but he doesn’t say anything. He steps aside and lets Jared into the house. Jared follows him into the kitchen, says thank you when Jensen grabs him a beer.

“What are you doing here, Jared?” Jensen says quietly after some awkward silence. Jensen knows exactly why Jared’s here but Jared doesn’t think he’s going to be let off the hook that easily.

Jared shifts closer to him and says, “I’m a little fucked up about this.” It’s mumbled, pushed out between the two of them before he can take it back, re-think it. Jensen is radiating warmth and Jared just wants to wrap himself around him and forget all the shit swimming around in his head and making him freak out. He touches Jensen’s arm and says, “But I want it.”

Jensen looks wary, but like he’s listening and he doesn’t move away so that’s a good sign, like Jared didn’t fuck this up before he had a chance to figure out what this is. “What do you want?” Jensen’s voice is low and a little rough. It makes Jared shiver and want to hear what it sounds like when it’s just them in bed together.

“You,” Jared breathes and steps forward, closes the space between them. Jensen’s hands immediately come up, framing Jared’s face, and they’re pressed up hot against each other, breathing each other’s air. Jensen’s tongue slides into Jared’s mouth and Jared sort of just sags into Jensen, clinging against him, arms wrapped around his shoulders, hips and thighs pressed together.

Eventually they stumble up the stairs to Jensen’s bedroom.

They’ve done this once, before, and Jared wasn’t prepared for how different this is, how uninhibited Jensen is. The differences are subtle but shocking nonetheless, Jared can feel how Jensen’s not holding himself back, he’s not putting on a show for any cameras or anyone but Jared, it’s like he’s focused just on this between them and that’s a heady thing to be on the receiving end of.

They get naked slowly and quietly, pieces of clothing disappearing a little at a time.

Jared stands naked in the dark room, the light from the moon and streetlights filtering in through the blinds and Jensen’s just looking at him, eyes moving over Jared like he’s drinking in the sight of him, memorizing every inch of him.

Jensen takes a step forward, runs his hand down Jared’s chest, and says, “God, you’re gorgeous.”

There’s so much naked skin in front of him Jared doesn’t know where to look first, where to touch but it doesn’t matter, Jensen’s pushing him to the bed, sliding up his body to kiss him, mouth open, tongue pushing into Jared’s mouth, swallowing Jared’s groan.

Jensen pushes Jared’s hands up over his head, pins them to the mattress, fingers wrapped around Jared’s wrists.

“You’re going to love this,” Jensen breathes into Jared’s mouth and Jensen drops his hips and their cocks line up, sliding together in the hot space of their bellies.

Jared arches up into it, the pull of his muscles stinging in a good way, arms trapped over his head and Jensen’s dick slides against his.

Jensen does something, a hard twist of hips that makes his dick slide up hard against Jared’s and Jared nearly bites through his lip and comes all over himself and Jensen.

“Oh God. Fuck.” Jared’s never been more embarrassed. He turns his cheek into the pillow like he can hide or get away but Jensen’s still gripping his arms and won’t let him go even when Jared starts pulling.

“Hey,” Jensen says quietly, “stop. Look at me.”

It’s not a demand but Jared does it anyway, turns his head first, then opens his eyes at the last second.

Jensen’s watching him, eyes dark but this soft expression on his face. “You have no idea how hot you are, do you?” He says it gently, disbelieving.

Jared looks away, ducks his head because it’s overwhelming to have all that attention focused on him, all that awe.

Jensen’s straddling Jared’s thighs, his dick pushing up hard and red against his own stomach. He changes his grip on Jared’s wrist, uses one hand to keep them both pressed to the mattress and trails his other down Jared’s chest, in the mess low on Jared’s skin. It’s the slightest touch and Jared shivers, bone deep, feeling his toes curl slightly and his palms start to sweat.

Jensen pushes his fingers through Jared’s come and wraps them around Jared’s dick which is way too over sensitized and mostly soft.

When Jared comes again, not that much later, it’s with Jensen’s cock in his mouth, Jensen’s palms framing his face, fucking Jared’s mouth like he knows Jared can take it.

Jared’s got one hand on his own dick and the other flat against Jensen’s stomach, feeling the muscles shift and bunch under his hand. Jensen’s looking down at him, all eyelashes. He’s flushed and sweaty and Jared wonders if he’ll ever get enough of Jensen looking at him like that, like Jared’s all that matters. Jared likes it; he just never expected he’d get so addicted to it.

Jensen’s dick slides out of Jared’s mouth, smears against the corner, his jaw, up by his cheek before Jensen wraps his hand around the base and pushes it against Jared’s chin.

“Jensen,” Jared mumbles and opens his mouth, tilts his head back all submissive and pleading and pushes his tongue out.

When Jensen comes, it’s hot on Jared’s tongue; on his jaw and his neck and Jared’s so surprised by it he comes again, over his own fist.

Jensen’s panting hard when he moves down to lie over Jared. Jared thinks Jensen’s going to kiss him but when he moves it’s to lick Jared’s throat and jaw and chin, where there’s come wet and sticky on his skin.

When Jensen does finally kiss Jared, it’s all tongue and wet, pushing his come back into Jared’s mouth and Jared wraps his arms around Jensen’s shoulders, clinging to it and listening to the sound of Jensen’s breathing.

Jensen pulls Jared into the shower, shoves him against the tile and sucks his cock until Jared comes and comes himself over his fist, kneeling there with water falling down his skin, looking up at Jared.

They towel off and fall into bed naked, lying on their sides facing each other, kissing slowly, a lazy, slick slide of tongues. Jared’s touching Jensen’s face, fingertips brushing his jaw and pulling back every so often to just look, look at the pink flush of his skin, the heaviness in his eyes, the curve of his mouth.

Jared’s almost asleep, forehead pressed against Jensen’s, feeling miles away, eyes closed, when he mumbles, “it’s not just sex.”

He falls asleep before Jensen says anything.

In the morning there’s coffee in Jensen’s kitchen and lazy kissing by the door and Jared rubbing himself against Jensen’s hip as Jensen leans against the wall, hands on Jared’s waist and smiling into the kiss.

Jared makes it through a day of classes and work and when he’s done he’s sitting in his car, thinking about whether or not to call Jensen but it doesn’t matter because Jensen sends him a text that just says, “come over?” and Jared goes.

They eat pizza in the living room and later, they make out lazily on Jensen’s couch, touching each other everywhere they can, Jared’s t-shirt pushed up his belly, Jensen’s fingers slipping over his skin. Jensen touches him like he can’t get enough, like he can’t help himself and it’s intoxicating, addictive.

Jensen doesn’t push Jared further, and Jared doesn’t push Jensen for what he really wants. They watch basketball and drink beer and fall asleep on the sofa.

 

* * *

 

Jared comes over to Jensen’s every day after class; they do their studying together on the living room floor, taking ridiculously long breaks to make out. Jared hasn’t felt this way, excited and giddy and so constantly horny, since he was a teenager. He and Sandy had a brief phase when they couldn’t keep their hands off each other, but it was never like this, like just being in the same room as Jensen was too much.

 

* * *

 

It’s raining and last night was the full moon and Jared’s just felt something in the air for the last few days, like his skin doesn’t feel quite right, a little like maybe there’s anticipation in the air. Anticipation for what, Jared’s not sure, but he’s feeling restless when he gets to Jensen’s house on Saturday afternoon. The sky is almost black, there’s thunder booming off in the distance, the lightening striking erratically.

Jared’s soaking wet by the time he gets in the house and Jensen’s been napping or something because his eyes are soft at the corners and his hair’s falling in his eyes, mussed.

“Hey,” Jared breathes, trying to catch his breath from the run through the heavy rain.

Jensen makes a low rumbly sound, a sound like a growl and pushes Jared up against the door, holding him there with his hips and chest. Jensen shivers and Jared apologizes, “sorry, I’m really wet.”

“Naked then,” Jensen mumbles, shoving Jared’s t-shirt up and over, letting it fall by the door. Jared’s heart is hammering in his chest. He fucking loves Jensen like this, when his control slips a little and Jared can see the way he affects him in every movement, every touch.

They get Jared out of his wet clothes and Jared thinks they’re going to go upstairs but Jensen just pushes Jared to the floor, on his stomach.

Jensen pushes Jared’s arms up over his head. “Keep them there,” Jensen breathes, demanding and hot in Jared’s ear and Jared sighs in acquiescence.

It’s déjà vu, Jensen pressing tiny kisses to Jared’s back, trailing them lower only this time it’s different, foreign because Jensen doesn’t stop, just keeps going lower.

Chad mentioned this, said it was one of his favorite things, but Jared just always thought it was dirty and not all that sexy. He’s ready to change his mind though because it’s Jensen kissing open mouthed against his skin and Jared’s cold from the rain but he feels hot all over too.

Jared braces himself for the first touch of Jensen’s tongue to his ass but it doesn’t come, instead Jensen presses his tongue flat to Jared’s lower back and drags it up Jared’s spine.

Jared groans and pushes his ass up in the air. Jensen places his palm flat on Jared’s back and pushes him back down. He’s all teasing and light when he says, “be good,” but his hand is firm, strong, not allowing any room to move.

Jensen licks again, starts at Jared’s neck beneath his hairline and trails slow and steady down his spine and Jared can’t help but shiver all over, feel it in his bones and underneath his skin.

Jared thinks Jensen’s trying to drive him crazy and if that’s the plan, it’s working because Jared’s hard and it’s not exactly comfortable, his dick trapped between his belly and the hard floor but it doesn’t matter because Jensen’s working his tongue lower again, over the swell of Jared’s ass, down the crack and Jared just wants him to do it, to cut with the teasing.

“Jensen,” he breathes out, and it’s a plea, he’s aware of the way it sounds. Jensen hums, a content sound that vibrates against Jared’s skin, shoots sparks up his spine but he just keeps licking along the line of Jared’s ass, avoiding his hole.

Jared’s going to open his mouth to say something and then he feels Jensen’s palms cupping his ass, using his thumbs to pulls his cheeks apart, exposing his asshole. Jared almost comes when Jensen blows on it, a brush of cool wet air and Jared’s never felt anything like that.

Jared tenses when Jensen does it again. “Shh, relax,” Jensen whispers and vibrations whip up Jared’s spine.

And then, Jensen licks him, licks once across his hole, his tongue flat and Jared moves his arms then, just to fold under his head so he has some sort of support. Jensen does it again, repeated flicks of his tongue across Jared’s skin and then, he pushes into him, pushes his tongue in and Jared can’t help it, he has to push back into it, looking for something more than just that slippery touch, looking for more friction and maybe that slow burn from last time, the feel of something inside him, stretching him open.

Jensen pulls away and Jared’s about to protest when Jensen reaches up to slip his fingers, two of them, between Jared’s lips.

“Get them wet,” Jensen says hot against Jared’s back and Jared moans around them, licks between Jensen’s fingers. He knows what’s coming and he fucking wants it, wants it more than he can remember wanting anything.

The first touch is just the tip of Jensen’s wet finger, circling and then pushing slow and insistent and gentle. Jared sighs and concentrates on relaxing his muscles, concentrates on the wet push of Jensen’s finger. The first one’s only in to the first knuckle when Jensen adds the second, pushing them apart, stretching Jared open. And then, Jared feels the wet slide of Jensen’s tongue again, pushing into him, licking between his fingers.

Jared’s panting and making low pitched moans that probably sound ridiculous but he doesn’t care because Jensen’s slowly making him fall apart and it’s amazing.

Jensen pulls out and Jared makes this needy, embarrassingly whiny sound of protest. Jensen chuckles, dark and dirty and crawls up over Jared.

“You make the fucking sexiest sounds,” Jensen breathes, pressing his lips to the hot skin of Jared’s back where he’s flushed and sweaty all over. Jensen fits himself against Jared, his dick sliding in the slick line of his ass and he thrusts a little and they groan together, a low vibration that moves through Jared as he humps the floor, looking for more friction.

“Don’t hold back, Jared. I know how much you want this.” Jensen moves back between Jared’s thighs, slides his fingers back inside Jared, slowly, stretching him more.

Jensen pulls his fingers out and grips Jared’s hip. “Get on your hands and knees,” he says gruffly and Jared does, gets shakily up, resting his weight on his palms, braced against the floor. Jared’s confused for a second and then Jensen’s on his back underneath him.

“Fuck my mouth,” Jensen mutters a split second before he takes Jared’s dick between his lips.

“Jensen, oh fuck,” Jared gasps as his cock pushes into Jensen’s mouth, all heat and suction and Jared forces himself still, tries not to fuck too deeply into Jensen’s mouth.

Jensen’s fingers curl around his thigh and then, oh Jesus fuck, his fingers are pushing, two at a time, back inside, not slow and gentle but wet and slick, speeding up and making a squelching, slapping sound as Jensen finger fucks him hard, holds him tight with the hand gripping his thigh and he just sucks harder.

Jared hunches down, can’t resist thrusting once into Jensen’s mouth. Jensen chokes, a wet gasping sound and that’s it, Jared comes so hard he loses his balance and falls to his elbows, still fucking Jensen’s mouth, the fingers in his ass making him feel overstimulated.

Jared rolls to his back, still breathing hard. Jensen moves up over him and kisses him, opens his mouth to push his tongue between Jared’s lips and Jared gasps and clutches at Jensen as Jensen pushes Jared’s come into his mouth, heavy and bitter on his tongue.

He’s mostly blissed out when Jensen moves up to kiss him and he only registers the come on Jensen’s tongue when Jensen’s pushing it between them, sliding it into Jared’s mouth. Jared groans and opens his mouth wider and sucks on Jensen’s tongue, taking it all back into him.

They haven’t fucked since that video for whatever reason. Jared doesn’t think it’s a conscious thing on either of their parts, but it’s there.

Jensen pulls Jared to his feet and Jared feels shaky, his knees a little wobbly but they make it up to the bedroom.

The room is dark though its barely late afternoon and the sound of raindrops on the windowpanes is soothing and steady.

“I’m going to fuck you,” Jensen says, a hand flat on Jared’s chest, pushing him gently until he sits at the edge of the bed and lies back, scoots up to the pillows. Jared’s ready to fall apart from the words alone and he shivers, wanting.

Jared’s completely naked and Jensen’s still in his sweats and t-shirt. Jared can see the hard outline of Jensen’s dick and he reaches for the waist of Jensen’s pants.

Jensen catches Jared’s wrist in his hand, doesn’t push him away just holds him there. “Yeah, you want it,” he says quietly, and he guides Jared’s hand, curls Jared’s fingers around his dick and strokes, shows him how to touch.

Jared’s not hard, it’s way too soon, but he wonders if maybe that was the plan.

Jensen’s pushing into their hands, thrusting his hips and watching Jared, eyes locked on his.

After a few minutes he pushes his hand away and gets abruptly off the bed. He strips naked and he’s watching Jared.

He comes back to the bed with a small bottle of lube and a handful of condoms.

“Someday,” Jensen mutters against Jared’s mouth, "I’m going to fuck you bareback. I’m going to come in your ass, your fucking perfect, tight ass, and when you’re so strung out and too tired to go again I’m gonna suck my come out of you, lick your ass until you scream.”

“Oh god,” Jared groans and arches up into Jensen, shuddering all over just from the dirty filthy sound of Jensen’s words on his skin.

Jensen grabs Jared’s ankles, pushes his knees up until his feet are flat on the bed, his thighs spread as far as possible. Jensen reaches for Jared’s hand, pours lube over his fingers and pushes his hand down between Jared’s spread legs.

“Show me,” Jensen whispers, kneeling between Jared’s legs. “Show me how much you want this.”

Jared’s never had his own fingers in his ass so it’s fumbly and feels ridiculous, poking and prodding because he really has no idea what to do. But Jensen wants a show.

He’s still slightly loosened up from Jensen’s fingers and tongue and the lube makes the first slide of his own finger a lot easier. Jared adds another and twists his fingers and “fuck,” he hisses when he crooks his finger and presses against that spot that makes his toes fucking curl.

Jensen’s watching Jared’s face, which Jared really fucking loves. He loves the way Jensen looks at him, it's like he can't get enough of it.

Jensen lies down next to Jared, head and shoulders propped against the pillows so he’s half reclined. He leans over, a hand on Jared’s waist and says, hot and low, “Come here and sit on my dick.”

Jared shivers and thinks, fuck yeah. There’s a little bit of maneuvering and fumbling, and Jared’s not a small guy so he has to figure out how to get his knees underneath him without kicking Jensen and how to hold his weight so he’s not too heavy.

Jensen fists his dick, rubs the head against Jared’s hole and Jared shivers and lifts up, pushes slowly down onto it.

It burns. Not as much as last time, but there's still a stretch that makes Jared grit his teeth.

He focuses on Jensen’s face, on his eyes, the pink curve of his mouth, the freckles dusting the bridge of his nose.

Jared moans through it, shivering and shaking and when he’s all the way down, Jensen’s dick in his ass he just sits for a minute, getting used to the feel of being so completely stretched. It’s different, the angle is different, and it’s different being able to control it.

He rocks his hips just a little and Jensen arches up, “fuck yeah, ride me,” he says through gritted teeth. Jared grins and does it again, twisting his hips and hissing at the stretch and burn.

He rocks, lifting up and down, twisting, everything, until he gets tired and falls forward to lay on top of Jensen, to kiss him. Jensen holds him, arms wrapped around his shoulders, and pushes up, takes some of the work for himself.

Jared comes between the two of them, his dick sliding in the sweat on their stomachs, and Jensen comes not that long after.

They fall asleep, sticky and sweaty.

Later, when he wakes up, Jensen rolls him over and fucks him from behind and Jared doesn’t come that time, too tired and exhausted and sensitive but he fucking loves it, the burn and stretch, the feel of Jensen pressed fully against him, touching him everywhere, rocking into him and pressing kisses behind his ear.

Jensen pulls out, tosses the condom to the side of the bed, jerks himself a couple of times and comes all over Jared’s lower back. Jared moans as Jensen’s come splashes his skin and Jensen smears it over his back, pushes it deeper into his skin then reaches around to push his fingers into Jared’s open mouth.

 

* * *

 

The last video Jared makes is the first one that really matters, the only one that counts.

It’s Jensen’s idea, and he doesn’t bring it up until Jared’s too turned on to say anything but “oh God, fine okay, yes.”

Jensen turns the camera on. It’s the first time they’ve done it this way; the first time Jared’s fucked Jensen.

It’s dirty and sweaty and messy and imperfect, all the things porn never is and Jared soaks in every second of it, every sound out of Jensen’s mouth, every slide of their tongues, every touch.

They start with Jensen on his stomach and then later when they’re both panting and close, Jensen breathes, “let me sit on your dick” and Jared rolls to his back, watches as Jensen rides him, slow and dirty, rolling his hips and arching his back and looking like fantasies Jared didn’t know he had until this moment, until Jensen.

When Jensen comes, they’re kissing through it, panting and sweating and it’s a mess and Jared loves it.

 

[ the end ]