"Do the Orders say: March on?"

by automaticdoor

Summary:

Soren knew he was different, and he despaired.

You blind god of erotic love! You who see in secret, will you disclose it to me?

Soren knew he was different.

The other boys whispered in secret about the forms of the female figure, about secret shameful things they would love to do to a woman, and he felt nothing. Wonderingly, he looked at his fellow men, and he also felt nothing. What did this mean? What was he supposed to do?

So, he became as Saint Paul instructed, and used his nothingness, his absence, his lack, in the service of God.

 

How often I have been close to setting her love on fire, not to a sinful love, but I need merely have said to her that I loved her, and everything would have been set in motion to end my young life.

Then, he met Regine. She wanted and she told him so and he kissed her and felt nothing. He loved her with all his heart, but he felt nothing that he knew he was supposed to in that way, and he couldn't let this continue like this. He had to end it for her... and for him.

 

My relationship to her was always kept so ambiguous that I had it in my power to give it any interpretation I wanted to.

So, he drove her away. He was cold. He told her he felt nothing when instead he felt everything. Everything but that.

 

My sin is that I did not have faith, faith that for God all things are possible, but where is the borderline between that and tempting God; but my sin has never been that I did not love her.

He loved her. He knew he did. But he had to drive her away because he just wasn't faithful enough. He didn't believe. In God all things were supposed to be possible, but they weren't here, and he despaired. What if he'd asked harder? What if he'd tried more? What if? What if? He was haunted by what ifs. How could God do this to him?

 

How strange, I had never really thought of getting married, but I never believed that it would turn out this way and leave so deep a wound.

He wrote in his journals and cried himself to sleep every night, wondering what could have been had he just been like everyone else.