Work Text:
"What the hell is that?"
"That's a baby."
Troy likes that Abed answers his obvious questions without making fun of him, but sometimes he's not asking obvious questions because he's confused. Sometimes he asks just because whatever he's looking at is messing him up on the inside and asking stupid questions is easier than facing whatever insane stuff his brain is trying to process. This is one of those times.
"Dude, I know it's a baby," Troy says. "I mean, tiny little human-shaped thing, it's not exactly a mystery."
"Then why did you as--"
Troy holds up his hand. "It was more 'why is it here, where did you get it from, and will I have to give any statements to the police later?'"
"I couldn't leave it alone, it was left in front of my dorm room, and possibly." Abed shrugs. "I don't know how abandoned babies work."
"Is it --" Troy can't even believe he's asking this. "Is it your baby?"
"Well, if you mean is it in my possession, then yes," Abed answers, "but if you mean is it my biological child, then no. That would be a statistical impossibility, though I did once catch an episode of Passions where one of the characters was caught stealing the sperm of her ex-husband. Though even in that case, it was from a frozen sperm sample, so that's out, too."
Troy pauses. "That was a no, right?"
"Yep," Abed confirms. "Definite no." The baby in his arms starts fussing, and Abed starts bouncing and cooing at it to get it to quiet down. Against his own wishes, Troy thinks it's pretty adorable.
"Did you call the police and tell them that you found a baby?" Troy asks as soon as Abed stops singing to the baby in Polish.
"Yes, and they'll be here soon." Abed hands the baby off to Troy. "So do you want to have a three men and a baby montage with one less man while we wait? Or we can call Jeff, your choice."
The idea of Jeff and a baby is even more ridiculous than Abed with one. "Let's do this alone."
"Awesome. I'd high five you, but my hands are kind of full."
+
In the hour that follows, Troy and Abed learn to change a diaper, quiet a crying jag, heat up one of the bottles that was tucked in with his bassinet, change another diaper, and coo at each other when the baby grasps one of Abed's fingers. Troy eventually falls asleep on Abed's couch with the baby napping on his chest. No one ever told him taking care of a baby was such hard work.
Troy wakes up to a police officer knocking on Abed's door. Once the cop has the baby's things gathered and is ready to leave, Abed says, "Wait, there's one more thing we have to do."
Abed and Troy exchange a meaningful glance and sing in unison:
"Troy and Abed with a baaaaby!"
Neither of them seems to notice the weird look that the cop throws their way.
+
"I miss little Janek," Abed declares midway through Kick Puncher 3: This Time It's Kick Personal.
"You named him?" Troy asks.
Abed shrugs. "Seemed easier than referring to him as it the whole time."
Troy reaches over and pats Abed's knee. "I'm sure little Janek misses you, too. You made a huge impression in the hour that he knew you."
"We were good parents, weren't we?"
"The best."
And that's the end of that caper, until Abed introduces Troy to his new puppy, Janek Jr.