“道明寺,” 花泽类 said with a serious face. “我们有事要和你谈.” His arms were crossed, and his posture was tense.
道明寺 was actually on the way out, and he was about to say so when he saw the equally serious expressions on both 美作 and 西門’s faces – it must be pretty serious, if all three were ganging up on him like this.
“在屋里谈,” 西門 added, and shut the door behind him.
“到底要谈什么啦?” 道明寺 asked as soon as the door closed. Had something happened? Some new threat to his and 杉菜’s happiness? Oh no, perhaps 花泽类 had been diagnosed with terminal cancer! Perhaps he’d been hiding his condition so it wouldn’t disturb his and 杉菜’s happiness, only now 花泽类 was set to die any day and wanted 道明寺 to deliver a eulogy at his funeral. 道明寺 looked at 花泽类 with concern – was he any paler than usual? Skinnier? “Of course I’ll speak at your funeral,” he burst out, just as 花泽类 opened his mouth.
All three of his friends blinked at him in confusion.
“什么?” 花泽类 asked, temporarily derailed.
“你不是有癌症吗?” 道明寺 asked, concerned.
“No! Why would you think that?”
“那你那么正颜厉色的叫我来干啥?” 道明寺 said matter-of-factly.
“We came to talk to you about 杉菜-” 花泽类 began, but he was interrupted by 道明寺 again.
“杉菜怎么了?” 道明寺 asked suspiciously. “你不是又想追她了吧?” Maybe 花泽类 had realized what a jewel he was passing up on and regretted his decision! Maybe he was here to declare a duel for 杉菜's affections! Maybe he learned that 杉菜 was the one with cancer, and they had the same blood type, and had called him here to offer up his eyes/heart/otherwise vital organ. Maybe 杉菜 was right and he should stop reading so many of the romance novels her mother left lying around.
“不是啦,” 美作 said, impatient, “we wanted to talk to you about sex!”
To nobody’s surprise, 道明寺 blushed tomato-red, and looked away in embarrassment.
“You do know what sex is, right?” 西門 asked wryly, “and how it works?”
“去你的,” 道明寺 scowled. “我当然知道了.” He tried his hand at false bravado – “我也有过-”
His three friends rolled their eyes simultaneously – it was creepy how in sync they were.
“Don’t even bother lying to us,” 美作 snorted. “We know you. You’re a virgin, and if we don’t put you on the right path right now, you’ll probably be one forever.”
“And that’s not something 杉菜 is pleased about,” 西門 said.
“杉菜 talked to you about this?” 道明寺 asked, mortified. He frowned at 花泽类. “To you?”
“No,” 花泽类 smiled. “That’s not the kind of thing we talk about.”
“She told 小優, who mentioned it to me,” 西門 said. “小優 was very hurtful about it, too. She asked me if the reputation of the F4 was inflated after all, asked if I 只動口，不動手.”
“I hope you told her that 在關鍵時刻，你口和手都用得上,” 美作 snickered.
“Anyway,” 花泽类 interjected, “that’s when we realized we’ve been remiss in our duties to you as your friends.”
“What are you talking about?” 道明寺 asked, eyes narrowed.
“As your friends,” 花泽类 said smoothly, eyes alight, “it’s high time we told you about the birds and the bees.”
“操你媽,” 道明寺 scowled. “I told you, I know what sex is, and you’re not the comedian you think you are.”
“I’m sure you know about sex,” 花泽类 said wryly. “It’s impossible not to know about it what with these two 花花公子 bragging about their conquests all the time.” He gestured to 西門 and 美作
“Hey!” both parties said in mock-offended tones at the same time.
“What we’re doubting,” 花泽类 continued as if they hadn’t spoken, is whether or not you really understand the intricacies of sex.”
“What intricacies?” 道明寺 blustered. “You stick your 雞巴 up her 屄. What else is there to it?”
“First of all,” 美作 said, “that would be more convincing if you weren’t so red with embarrassment, and if you hadn’t stumbled over the words ‘雞巴’ and ‘屄.’ You’re such a virgin!”
“That’s the whole reason we’re having this conversation, remember?” 西門 reminded 美作.
“Oh yeah,” 美作 said. “I’d forgotten because it’s unbelievable that one of us could still be a virgin.”
“Guys, there’s nothing wrong with saving yourself,” 花泽类 interrupted.
“Yeah, and how well did saving yourself for 藤堂静 go?” 美作 snorted.
“Very well, thank you for asking,” 花泽类 said, unperturbed. “She provided me with a valuable education.”
道明寺 boggled a little at the mental image.
“Which is good, because it is time we imparted some of that knowledge on you,” 花泽类 smoothly continued, giving 道明寺 a pointed look. “You need to learn more about sex, specifically the part where it comes to giving pleasure to the girl involved.”
“Which in this case is 杉菜,” 西門 smirked.
“I don’t need sex advice,” 道明寺 said heatedly. “And!” He leveled his finger at 西門. “Stop thinking of her like that!”
“You don’t need sex advice?” 美作 said skeptically. “Alright. Quick quiz. Where are 杉菜的欲動區?”
“I’m not telling you that!” 道明寺 hissed, glaring at all three friends. He couldn’t believe they were asking him this!
“It doesn’t have to be 杉菜,” 花泽类 said impatiently. “We’re not gossiping here. We’re testing your knowledge of the female anatomy. Where are the typical 欲動區 on any woman?”
道明寺 looked for a way to escape, but it didn’t look like his friends were going to let him free.
“If you don’t cooperate,” 花泽类 warned, “we won’t hesitate to get your sister involved. Do you want that?”
“No,” 道明寺 shuddered. “Fine. Whatever. Typical 欲動區. Right. Well, uh … their lips, their breasts, uh …”
“We don’t mean the stereotypical 欲動區,” 美作 said impatiently. “Everyone knows about those. When you have sex-”
道明寺 blushed violently.
“-it’s a good opportunity to find her other 欲動區. These will vary from woman to woman, but I tend to find that a good place to start is the nape of the neck, or where the neck meets the collarbone. There’s a reason people end up with 吻痕 there.”
“I have found that the small of the back can be very effective,” 花泽类 offered.
“杉菜 has a thing for the inside of her elbow,” 西門 said. “I can guarantee that a few well-placed caresses there will have her melting in your hands.”
“What- how do you know that?” 道明寺 demanded.
西門 rolled his eyes. “Anytime anyone takes her by her elbow, she gets a specific expression. It’s not hard to work out.”
“Is that why you always take her by her elbow?” 道明寺 demanded, burning hot with indignation.
“It was a hypothesis that I may have tested out once or twice,” 西門 put up his hands, “just to see if it were true or not. I regularly seduce older women, 道明寺. Older women know what they want and they know what good sex is like. To do what I do, you need to be able to pick up the small clues by observing how they react to the stimuli around them – and then correctly hypothesize how those reactions might play out in the bedroom.”
“So scientific,” 美作 rolled his eyes. “You could just go with gut instinct.” 美作 turned his eyes to 道明寺. “And my gut instinct tells me 杉菜’s no wilting flower when it comes to sex.”
“You don’t need gut instinct for that,” 花泽类 observed. “Anyone who punches 道明寺 here at the drop of a hat can’t really be described as a wilting flower.”
“To be fair, I wouldn’t call it at the drop of a hat,” 西門 said. “She was provoked.”
“Either way,” 美作 said, “her strong personality is probably going to carry over into sex.
“What he’s trying to say,” 花泽类 said, smiling (he was probably laughing inside, the bastard!), “is that presumably if 杉菜 is forward enough to express frustration regarding the sex, or lack thereof, in your relationship, then you can probably rely on her to be a fairly useful guide to her own pleasure.”
“Great,” 道明寺 said curtly. “I’ll ask her what makes her happy. Lecture over. Can I go now?”
“No,” 花泽类 said firmly. “Just because she can guide you to her pleasure does not mean that should be the only strategy in your arsenal.”
“Arsenal? How is this a war?”
“You must understand,” 美作 said, silky-smooth, all traces of humor gone. “When you sleep with 杉菜, the reputation of the entire F4 is at stake. It’s not just you having sex with her, it’s all of us.” He paused, as all of his friends gave him a funny look. “Okay, that metaphor made more sense in my head.”
“What he’s trying to say,” 西門 said, “is that to uphold the reputation of the F4, you shouldn’t be pleasuring 杉菜, you should be blowing her mind.” He scowled. “And then, nobody will ever again question my- I mean, our reputation.”
“To be precise,” 花泽类 said, “we’re talking about multiple orgasms, which is tricky enough until we consider that she’s virgin and her first time is bound to be less pleasant than usual.”
“Now,” 西門 said clinically, “women who are more athletic often wear away at their hymen or something, but it can still be an uncomfortable experience the first time, so the key here is patience.”
“Stop,” 道明寺 said. “Just stop. This is my girlfriend we’re talking about here. I can’t just-”
“We’re not talking about your girlfriend,” 美作 said patiently, “We’re giving you important tools for any girl you may choose to have sex with. That nobody besides 杉菜 will ever fall in that category still doesn’t mean we’re talking about her. That just means that you’re thinking about her.”
“You should be grateful,” 西門 added. “We’re giving you pointers here.”
“I don’t need any pointers!”
“Oh come on,” 美作 said. “You don’t even watch 黄片-”
“What does that have-”
“- which is why I’ve even acquired visual aids,” he said triumphantly, holding up posterboard. “I’ve made diagrams! Now take note, 道明寺. This is the 阴核 and you should know-”
“Oh god,” 道明寺 said, burying his head in his hands. “This is never going to end.”