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"Good news everyone!" said Professor Farnsworth "I've got a very dangerous package that needs to be delivered by New Years Day. Oh yes, very dangerous. Why, so dangerous that Fry, Leela and Bender will have to deliver it wearing cotton gloves".
"Will the cotton gloves protect us?" asked Leela.
"No, but they will make you look good in your coffin" said the Professor "I've been reading Occupational Health and Safety weekly".
He showed them the cover which said 'Send your employees off in style' and showed a hapless worker lying in a casket.
"Come on losers, lets take this package" said Bender, grabbing the box from the table.
"Don't forget to be back in time for Zoidberg's New Years Party!" said Zoidberg.
"No one wants to spend the New Year with you, you incompetent sea creature!" said Hermes.
***********
The trio got into the Planet Express ship.
"Hmm, Scotland" said Fry "That's not too far".
"It's Scotland, Omma Beta Persi Zeta, you dumbass" said Bender "That's in one of the furthest galaxies known to man and robot. Oh man, this is going to take forever, and I was going to spend New Years at a Hooker Bots resort".
"So what's so dangerous about Scotland?" asked Fry.
"The Professor didn't say" said Leela "He did ask us to fill in these forms though".
She passed over a form which read "Songs for my funeral".
"Awww, mine's going to be a bigger funeral than you two losers, and I won't be around to gloat" said Bender.
Bender wasn't exaggerating about the length of time to get to Scotland. He and Fry entertained themselves by playing soccer with Zoidberg's Xmas present; using postage tube parcels as lightsabers; and by playing with All My Circuits figurines.
************
"Richard Nixon" said Fry.
"Morbo" said Bender.
"Would you guys shut up?" said Leela. It had been a very long trip and she just wanted to sleep.
"We're playing Death Pool for next year" said Bender "If one of the people on your list dies, you win money".
Bender took his To Do list out of his chest. He wrote "Kill Morbo" on it, and crossed out "Kill Richard Nixon".
"Haha, sucker" said Bender under his breath.
"Well, if you two don't shut up, then I'm going to put Bender Bending Rodríguez and Phillip J. Fry at the top of my list".
"Phillip K. Fry?" said Fry, confused "But he's the world's best blernsball player".
Bender was prevented from making a cutting remark by the sound of bagpipes.
"What the hell is that?" asked Bender.
"Sounds like bagpipes" said Fry "You know, my great-grandfather was Scottish".
"I thought you were your great-grandfather?" asked Bender.
"No, that was my grandfather" said Fry.
"Well, there's still time" said Bender "Maybe we can ask the Professor to send you back to your great-grand daddy's time so you can have some hot loving with your great grandmother. And by hot loving, I mean disturbing and squicky relations".
"Guys, quit squabbling" said Leela. "I've parked the ship. Let's go hurry up and deliver this package".
The trio disembarked.
**************
"Awww, this planet looks normal" said Bender "Where's the fun in that?".
Indeed, the planet of Scotland did look very normal. It was covered in lush green trees. In the centre, not far away, was a city that looked much like New New York.
They walked into the city.
"Can you please tell us the way to the centre of the city?" asked Leela of a passer-by.
"Sure, five miles that way" said a woman, in a Earthican accent. She was wearing a purple tracksuit.
"Awww, you don't even have the accent" said Fry "Can you say "Acch, my hearties, Ey'll be eating haggis ne winter?".
"Fry, one, that's the wrong Scotland. Two, I've never been to the other Scotland but I know what you just said is more pirate than Scottish. " said Leela, shaking her head.
She turned to the woman "I'm sorry, Fry is sweet but dumb."
"That's okay" said the woman "Beware the calendars!".
"Beware the what what?" said Bender.
"The Calendars?" said Fry "Calenders are pretty scary. Like the time it reminded me I missed my mother's birthday. Or the time it reminded me I missed my father's birthday".
"And you forgot my birthday was today!" said Bender.
"Really?" said Fry "I'm so sorry Bender. Here, have this present" he said, reaching into his back pocket.
"Thanks" said Bender.
"Fry, Bender's birthday is in Feb-" began Leela.
She was interrupted by the sound of thuds.
"What's that?" asked Fry, nervously.
"I don't know, but I'm getting out of here" said Bender, starting to run.
"We have to deliver this package" said Leela.
"Well, I'm not waiting to be attacked" said Bender, running.
Fry and Leela continued to walk into the city, despite the thuds becoming louder.
"Leela?" asked Fry.
"Fry, we've travelled all this way, we might as well deliver the package".
"No, I mean Leela" said Fry "They're coming straight at us".
Leela watched us the giant calendars ran up to them, then watched horrified as one of them hit Fry.
"Fry!" she called.
She threw the package at the creatures and then they ran away.
"Fry, you okay?" she asked, running up to him.
"Yeah, just a paper cut" he said, before his eyes rolled in his head.
"Should auld acquaintance be forgot, And never brought to mind?" he started to sing.
******************
"We'll take a cup o' kindness yet, For auld lang syne." Fry continued to be sing.
"He's been doing this all the way back" said Leela.
"Stop with the singing, I say" said Zoidberg "Its hurting my ears, I tell you ".
"Professor, what's wrong with him?" asked Leela.
"Fry is suffering from Calenderitiss, a condition that will cause him to sing Auld Lang Syne continuously until he dies" said the Professor.
Leela gasped "Is there any cure?".
"Yes, but it will be very hard to find, sadly" said the Professor "We need to find someone who has kept their New Years Resolution all year. Thankfully, I have this New Years Resolution Keepometer" he said, whipping out a small machine.
"ME!" said Bender "I made a resolution to keep being awesome as I always am".
The Professor turned his probe toward Bender. It beeped and then made a whirring noise.
"No" said Professor "Apparently you haven't been completely awesome".
"Hey, a robot's got to have a few hours of non awesomeness a year" said Bender.
"....We'll tak' a right good willie-waught,,For auld lang syne..." sang Fry.
"Oooh, pick me!" said Amy "I made a resolution to be even cuter".
The Professor tried pointing the probe toward Amy, but got the same result.
"No, again, I'm afraid" said the Professor.
"Don't ask me" said Zoidberg, sadly "I made a resolution to earn lots of money and be wildly popular".
"Well, that was never going to work" said Bender.
"I refuse to make resolutions" said Leela "They're only made by pathetic people who want to believe that they can completely change themselves, oh, and you guys".
"I don't make resolutions either" said Hermes. "Bureaucrats are forbidden to by the Central Bureaucracy".
"Professor, what resolutions did you make?" asked Amy.
"I can't remember" said the Professor.
"Well, maybe you kept them anyway" said Bender.
The Professor tried the machine on him, but again it was a failure.
***************
Two days later, the team were getting desperate.
"We've wandered mony a weary foot, Sin' auld lang syne." sang Fry weakly .
Assorted members of the public - alien, human, and mutant- had walked through the Planet Express building, to be tested by the Professor. None had kept their resolutions.
"It's no use" said Bender "We'll never save Fry. No one keeps their New Year's Resolutions".
Scruffy the Janitor walked in.
"Furnace is fixed, like I promised" said Scruffy.
"Hey Scruffy, we don't care, Fry is dying here, so move it, old bag" said Bender.
"Scruffy, you didn't happen to make a resolution, did you?" asked Leela
"Sure did" said Scruffy "Scruffy said he'd get a new tattoo, and he did".
He pulled up his shirt, and showed off a giant tattoo reading Janitor Power.
"I'll just need to take some of your blood" said the Professer, taking out a hammer and a nail.
"Shouldn't you be using a needle?" said Leela.
"A what?" asked the Professor.
**************
"Well, I'm glad that all went well" said Fry, as he laid in bed, recovering from the blood transfusion from Scruffy.
Leela nodded "I'm so pleased to see you healthy again".
"Yeah, Fry's healthy, but what about the rest of us?" said Bender "I can't get that damn song out of my head. It will be haunting me until I die".
He smiled at Fry "Glad to see you not singing again, meat bag".
The rest of the crew nodded.
"And now we can all go to Zoidberg's party!" said Zoidberg.
Everyone groaned.