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In Absentia

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Nikita’s not surprised the first time Alex tries to kiss her, there’s no question that the current of desire between them runs both ways. What startles her is how easily she gives in, drawing Alex closer and opening her mouth so they can taste each other. By the time their lips part, Nikita’s got one hand up Alex’s shirt and the other down the back of her shorts, so it’s not exactly surprising that her protest, “We shouldn’t,” isn’t taken seriously.

“I think we already are,” Alex grins, and it’s precisely because Nikita knows she could make her happy that she has to pull away.

Everything Alex chooses to do as they work together must be given freely, because she wants to help rather than because Nikita needs her to, and it’s probably difficult enough already for her to say no to someone who’s a friend and protector without adding sex to the mix. “It was a mistake,” she says, turning away and smoothing out her rumpled shirt. “I apologize. It won’t happen again.”

“We’ll see about that,” Alex says.

Nikita doesn’t rise to the challenge. “I’ve got an appointment,” she says, “need to meet someone down in Philadelphia. I probably won’t be back until late tonight.”

“Don’t worry about me, I’m sure I’ll find some way to amuse myself.”

When Nikita returns home, hours later, she’s got a nasty bruise across her cheek but also most of the information she set out looking for that afternoon, so she’s going to consider the outing a success. All she wants now is a hot shower before she curls up in bed and falls asleep, a simple ending to her day, but as soon as she steps into the loft she’s confronted by a whole new level of complicated. Alex is spread out on top of Nikita’s bed, naked, and she’s not alone.

The woman with her face between Alex’s thighs has hair dark as Nikita’s, and she knows, knows that’s why Alex chose the stranger, and it makes her heart race, to be wanted so much, to be loved, even if through a proxy.

Nikita drops her bag with a heavy thunk. Alex opens her eyes at the sound and looks directly at Nikita, no hiding, no pretending. She even purses her lips, sending Nikita a phantom kiss. Nikita heard nothing but white noise at first, the ocean rushing in her ears, but now, as her shock recedes, she’s aware of Alex panting. Nikita opens her mouth, but what is there to say? Alex’s eyes burn into her, waiting for her to speak, act. When she does neither, Alex’s eyes drift away. Licking her lips, Alex reaches a hand down to stroke the other woman’s cheek, a touch that makes Nikita’s own face flush. She’s got to get out of there.

She stumbles on her way to the stairs when she hears Alex scream. Her pussy is throbbing, and she’s torn between wanting to jerk off right the fuck now, and waiting until there’s some possibility she’ll be able to picture, fuck, anyone, Percy, for Christ’s sake, other than Alex when she does.

 

“This is gonna be so awkward,” Jaden says to Alex, after Amanda’s told them they’ll be playing girlfriends on their next assignment.

“Why? Because we’re both women?” Alex snaps.

“No,” Jaden says, raising her eyebrows, “because we hate each other’s guts.”

“Oh, I thought-” Alex shakes her head. “Never mind.”

“You’re blushing,” Jaden says. “Is it your first time? Don’t worry, I’ll take good care of you.”

“Shut up.”

“Make me, baby.”

It’s cute, when they’re on site, how Alex doesn’t leave her side, keeps taking her hand and interlacing their fingers together. Jaden thought Alex was hot the first time she saw her but, after their first altercation, defense took precedence over desire. The worst thing any recruit could do in Division was back down from a confrontation with a fellow trainee, and Jaden was determined to take twice as many swings at Alex as she ducked from her. She plays the same way tonight. Each time she leans in to kiss Alex, or tickles her fingertips at her waist, or cups her ass while they dance together, she intends it as a tease. She’s trying to win the game, make Alex want her more than Jaden wants her back in return, but it backfires. By the time they’ve finished their role as bait and the assignment is done, all Jaden can think of is getting Alex somewhere private. “It’s late, why don’t you come back to my place to crash, it’s closer,” she says, knowing it’s a lame excuse as she makes it, but confident the odds are good that Alex is feeling as hungry as she is. Jaden’s proven right, Alex is on her as soon as the apartment door closes behind them, shoving Jaden up against the wall and dropping to her knees in front of her.

It’s not until round three that they even get all their clothes off and make it to the bed. They haven’t said anything more to each other than harder, yeah, that’s so good, right there, come on, do it, fuck me, and as Jaden licks deeper inside Alex, she suddenly wants to hear more. She slows the pace of her fingers stroking over Alex’s clit, reluctantly draws her mouth away from the hot slick of her pussy. “Tell me how much you want this.”

“What?” Alex gasps, cracks open her eyes. “Why- don’t stop,” she whines. “I’m so close.”

“I know,” Jaden says, “so beg me for it.”

“Are you serious?”

“You know I am.”

“Whatever, it’s not like I can’t get myself off.” Alex slides a hand down her body, but Jaden grabs her wrist, pins it to her side. “Should have known I wouldn’t get out of this without you making me fight for it.”

“No, no fighting.” Jaden leans down and flicks her tongue back and forth over the nub of Alex’s nipple until she’s whimpering. “Just say it,” she says, makes her voice a little bit sweeter than sharp, tries to ask rather than demand. “Come on, Alex, just say please, and I’ll finish you off so good, you know I will.” She doesn’t look up, knows it’ll be easier for Alex to give in if she isn’t being watched.

“Please.” It’s just a wisp of a whisper.

“What was that? Didn’t quiet hear you.” Jaden can’t help smirking.

“Please, Jaden, please.”

This time the words sends a shiver up Jaden’s spine. She pushes her fingers deep inside Alex, sucks at her clit until she comes.

“That was,” Alex sighs after she’s caught her breath again, “really nice.”

“I’ve had better,” Jaden says, rolling over on her back, but she makes sure Alex catches her wink. She feels wrung out, satisfied, but also a little bit sad, like something’s missing. “Dude, if Thom could have watched this? Jerk-off material for the rest of his life!” Jaden snickers until she notices Alex’s wet eyes. “Sorry,” she says, tracing Alex’s collarbone with her index finger. “It’s bad for me, too, still, but it’s easier, somehow, if I can talk like it’s not, like I’m over it. It’s just how I deal, you know?”

“No, it’s ok, I get it. You’re probably right. It’s just, when I think about him, there’s so many things I wish were different. So many things that went wrong.”

“Hey,” Jaden says, knocking her fist up underneath Alex’s jaw, a pretend punch, “take it easy.”

“Yeah.” Alex slides out of bed and collects her dress from the floor. “I should probably go.”

“No kidding,” says Jaden. She knows if Alex stays, one or both of them may end up wanting more and that would be a problem in a way a one-time fuck and run is not. Sexual contact between agents is not forbidden but it’s discouraged, and only an idiot would let the higher ups in Division get any kind of emotional leverage, like a relationship, over them, anyway. She turns over on her side, watches Alex shimmy into her clothes. “You looked really hot tonight.”

“So did you.”

“I always look hot.”

Alex grins so pretty that Jaden wishes things were different, too. “Yeah, you do.”

 

“Nikita.”

“Alex?” Nikita murmurs, recognizing her by voice before she’s even opened her eyes.

“Yeah, it’s me.” Alex sits down on the side of the bed, facing Nikita, reaches out a hand to brush silky hair away from her face.

Nikita jerks at the touch and sits up, puts her own hands on Alex’s shoulders, staring into her eyes. “What’s happened? Are you hurt?”

“No, I’m ok. It was just, it was a really bad night and I needed-” Alex swallows, drops her eyes. “I wanted to see you.”

Nikita takes Alex’s hand into her own. “You’re freezing,” she says, and pulls Alex in, so that their torsos press together. Alex leans her head on Nikita’s shoulder, closes her eyes and breathes in her familiar scent. “What happened? Tell me.”

“I was on assignment. I had to - the target wasn’t giving up the information Division needed. We were at her place and her little six year old boy was in the other room. They sent me to him and they told me to make him cry. They used the kid. As leverage. To make her talk.”

“Did you - how far did you have to go?”

“I hit him. He started wailing as soon as I struck him. And after a minute, or however long it was, when he stopped to catch his breath, I hit him again, and he started screaming again, and after that happened four times, she talked. I don’t know what she thought I was doing to him, what the other agent told her, something sick, I mean sicker, than what I - shit, Nikita, I don’t even know what I’m saying. I mean, that was torture. I tortured a little kid.”

“God, Alex. I wish I could have spared you from that.”

“I know.”

“You just - I understand how horrible it was for you, I do, but - Jesus, can you imagine if it’d been some other agent, someone who didn’t care as much as you do? It could have been tragic.”

“That’s what - when I got home, I tried to tell myself that. But it just made me feel worse, a bullshit rationalization and that’s why I - I just wanted to see you.”

“Do you want to stay here?” Nikita’s hands roam up and down Alex’s back.

“Yeah.” Alex reluctantly pulls apart from Nikita to take off her jacket, strips down to a t-shirt and her underwear and ducks under the covers Nikita holds up for her. They lie side by side, on their backs, stare up at the ceiling and watch the shadows slipping across it. When Alex sniffles, Nikita rolls in towards her, covers her. “I love you,” Alex says, shielded and safe beneath Nikita’s body. “I could never get through this if I didn’t. I can do anything, if I think of you, if I think it will help you.” She waits, but Nikita doesn’t say anything, just watches her. “I love you. So much. More than I could ever love anyone else.” Nikita smiles, then, kisses across Alex’s breasts before beginning to move down her body. “No, wait,” Alex says, tracing her fingertips around Nikita’s lips. “I want to kiss you. I want to come with your fingers inside me and your tongue in my mouth. I want to come with your lips at my ear, whispering to me.”

“What do you want me to say?”

“That you love me, that you want me.”

“You know I do.” Nikita slides back up, nuzzles across Alex’s brow, along her hairline. “Don’t you?”

“Please, say the words.”

“I love you. I want you.”

“Look at me and say them, please.”

Nikita pulls back enough so that Alex can see her. “I love you, Alex. I want you,” she says, while Alex stares at her, takes her in, all this beauty she prays no grief can ever alter.

“Tell me, tell me there’s nothing I can do that would change how you feel about me.”

Nikita strokes her thumb across Alex’s cheekbone. “Is that really what you want from me?”

“Is there something wrong with that?”

“No, but it’s not what I want from you. If I did things you couldn’t forgive, I’d want you to leave me. I don’t want a free pass, not ever.”

“Yeah, I get that, I do, and that’s what makes this so good, that we don’t compromise ourselves to be together. But, just for tonight-”

“You’re right. I understand.”

Alex lets Nikita roll her onto her side, drag her in close, hold her so tight, just enough space between them for Nikita’s hand to curl around her pussy. Their bodies rock together and Nikita says everything Alex needs to hear: love you, want you, nothing can make me stop, long as I’m breathing, I’ll be here for you.

In the morning, all Alex can do is hope that they’ll be many more nights like the last one, but when has anything ever been promised to either of them? “I want you to pick a tattoo for me, ok?” Alex says, as they lounge in bed, neither willing to leave its comfort just yet. “And then, whenever I look at it, even when I can’t be with you, something of you will still be there, you know?”

“I like that,” Nikita says. “I know exactly what you need.” She circles her palm over the soft swell of Alex’s flesh between her hip point and her belly button. “And then you’ll pick one for me, yeah?”

“No.”

“No? Why not?”

“Because you don’t have any, so don’t get one. And then, all your skin’s for me. It’ll be like, rather than having my name written once on your body, it will be written everywhere, all over you.”

Nikita takes her hand. “Already is,” she whispers.