Soo Lin: I’m Asian so I’m doing a tea ceremony.
Museum Kid: Want to go out?
Soo Lin: I’m not a Geisha!
Museum Kid: In my fantasies you are.
Soo Lin: I’m Chinese!
--Creepin’ in the basement in the dark—
Soo Lin: OMG A STATUE!
Audience: Fuck this opener, we want Martin and Benedict!
Sherlock: Ask and you shall receive!
--INTRO SEQUENCE. Hey, we’re in London! You know… in case you forgot--
John: Just doin’ the shopping.
Sherlock: HOLY CRAP, SWORD FIGHT WITH A GENERIC ARAB GUY!
John: Doin’ shopping, check out!
Sherlock: HE HAS A HEADSCARF, COULD BE EGYPTIAN, I DON’T KNOW!
John: Want my shopping, stupid machine!
Sherlock: WHO GIVES A SHIT? I’M FUCKING WINNING!!!
John: Fuck you machine, give me my food before I break your face.
Sherlock: PUNCH, BITCH!
(Audience: umm… I think I could see where you didn’t actually hit him…
John: Oh, I’m poor, going home.
Sherlock: Totally nothing happened.
John: Is that a scratch on the table?
Sherlock: You miss the sword under my chair but you get the scratch on the table?
John: I didn’t get the shopping because the machine hated me.
John: I need money.
Sherlock: I am your sugary daddy.
John: Aw, sweet, thanks – wait, what?
Sherlock: Take the card and go get my food, woman!
--Time passes… apparently--
John: And I’m back with bags!
Sherlock: *stealing your computer to check e-mail from douche bag guy*
John: PRIVACY INVASION!
Sherlock: ‘blow me sherlock’ was an easy password to guess.
John: …that wasn’t my password.
Sherlock: It is now.
John: Soooo… can I borrow some mon-
Sherlock: BANK TIME!
John: So, are we here to get me money or are you just doing that thing where I follow you around for no reason?
Sherlock: Totally the second one.
Banker Asshole: Heeeeeeeeeeey, Sherlock, my old friend but not really at all.
Sherlock: Sup, fucker?
Banker Asshole: Oh my god, you have a boyfriend now?
John: *hits head against wall*
Banker Asshole: Dude, at university Sherlock was such a prick.
Sherlock: Kinda like you now.
Banker Asshole: He never got laid.
Sherlock: That’s not what your mom said.
Banker Asshole: HA – uh…
Sherlock: Did you bang any chicks on your around the world trips?
Banker Asshole: You cheeky fuck, checking out my arse again to find jizz stains?
John: Did he just say jizz!?
Sherlock: Nah, chatting up your secretary.
Banker Asshole: I’m pretty sure you like guys though…
Sherlock: So, what the fuck did you want?
Banker Asshole: There’s spray paint in this one office.
Sherlock: …spray paint.
Banker Asshole: Yeah, on this portrait.
Sherlock: …just spray paint?
Banker Asshole: Yeah, yellow spray paint.
Sherlock: You brought me here for fucking spray paint? What kind of shitty case is this?
Banker Asshole: Um… everything is locked so there is no way anyone could get in and there’s only like a minute gap in our video feed, totally mysterious.
Sherlock: More interested!
John: I am doing absolutely nothing right now.
Banker Asshole: So, figure it out and I’ll pay you.
Sherlock: I don’t give a shit about your money.
John: I DO! I DO!
Banker Asshole: So, I can keep my money?
Sherlock: Bitch, plz.
John: …I’m just going to hang on to that check, thanks.
Sherlock: *JUMP AROUND THE OFFICE LIKE A FREAK TIME*
Employees: …the fuck? …ooo nice ass.
Sherlock: It’s a message meant for China guy. I’m stealing his name plate.
John: So, wait… how did you know about banker guy’s trips and China dude’s spray paint show?
Sherlock: Yeeeees, feed my ego and I will do cheeky smiles!
Sherlock: Well, I thought about stealing douche bag’s watch so I saw the messed up date and the spray paint was left late at night so it’s for time difference China boy. Wins for me!
John: Did you ever get laid at uni?
Sherlock: SHUT UP, I’M GENIUSING! We’re going to his apartment.
John: You so didn’t.
Sherlock: Hey, girl, can I climb over your balcony?
Flat Girl: Is that a euphemism?
Sherlock: I’m making cute faces.
Flat Girl: Get up here, baby.
Sherlock: *breaking into an apartment* Found a dead guy! Let’s break out some of this excessive amount of champagne!
John: So, suicide?
Sherlock: More like not suicide!
John: It looks like suicide.
Sherlock: It wasn’t last time and it won’t be this time.
Sherlock: You’re not French!
Not!Lestrade: What the fuck are you doing?
Sherlock: Who the fuck you are? Where is my police chief punching bag?
Not!Lestrade: Not coming, so you can shut the fuck up.
Sherlock: I am going to dress you down so fast.
John: I assume you don’t mean literally?
Not!Lestrade: So… suicide?
John: Been there done that.
Sherlock: Not fucking suicide, uh duh.
Not!Lestrade: It so is, stop being a bitch.
Sherlock: Uh, head wound on the right!
Not!Lestrade & John: …uh…
Sherlock: He’s left handed.
Not!Lestrade & John: …uh…
Sherlock: Fucking Christ you retards! Literally everything in here is on the left. I would list them all but I just can’t be fucking bothered.
John: Oh, I’m sure you can.
Sherlock: Coffee table, coffee mug, electric sockets, phone, pen, butter knife, BITCH PLEASE!
Not!Lestrade: I really don’t like you.
Sherlock: Bullet went out the window, baby.
Not!Lestrade: I like you even less.
Sherlock: Why don’t you go do your fucking job, DRAMA WALK OUTTA HERE!
Sherlock: Dude, your China Van Coon guy was murdered!
Banker Asshole: He so totally wasn’t.
John: Yeah, we think he was.
Banker Asshole: I hear it was suicide.
Sherlock: *breaks mirror*
Banker Asshole: I’m gonna go with that, you just stick to the break in spray paint shit.
John: Awww, can we keep him?
Sherlock: I am going to kill someone!
Random Bald Dude: OMG I AM RUNNING FROM SOMETHING WITH FEAR!
--In house, up stairs, close door, SAFE!—
Random Bald Dude: OMG I’M TOTALLY NOT SAFE!
Museum Kid: Where did Geisha girl go?
Museum Boss: Totally gone.
Museum Kid: But there are all these reasons why she wouldn’t have left and she still hasn’t gone on a date with me.
Museum Boss: Die in a fire.
Museum Kid: *investigate*
--Oh wow, look, China town! How stereotypical…--
Museum Kid: LEAVING A NOTE!
John: Yes, a woman in my life!
Sarah: You’re a hot solider guy, work for me!
John: Yes, please.
--Home is where the heart is… *cough*--
Sherlock: PEN, BITCH.
John: Uh… huh?
Sherlock: *catch without looking*
John: Show off.
Sherlock: Have a nice job interview?
John: There was a HOT girl.
John: We have more plot exposition?
Sherlock: Dead guy #2
Not!Lestrade: I hate my job…
Sherlock: FLAT INVESTIGATION PART 2!
John: Not breaking in this time…
Sherlock: Black lotus flower, I wonder if that’s a trend?
John: Uh… I forget if we saw one with the first dead guy. Whoops. WHATEVER!
Sherlock: Killer can climb!
John: I think that might be your only good line in this episode.
Sherlock: LET’S GO LIBRARY… cause I like this book randomly.
John: Yes! I finally did something, spray paint behind the books!
Sherlock: Sooooooo… we should figure out this code.
John: What you don’t know it already, Mr. Smart as Fuck?
Sherlock: TIME FOR ADVICE!
Sherlock: From a vandal.
Spray Paint Annoying Kid: Like my cop painting?
Sherlock: Check out my fancy phone photography!
Spray Paint Annoying Kid: What the fuck is this shit?
Sherlock: OMG THERE IS MURDER, IT’S IMPORTANT!
Spray Paint Annoying Kid: Yeah, right, okay, jeeze… meanie face.
Sherlock & Spray Paint Annoying Kid: SHIT THE FUZZ! CHEESE IT!
Cops: You are so arrested.
John: Fucking shit, I’m the patsy!
Museum Kid: I’m sad.
Sherlock: Where have you been?
John: I AM SO PISSED AT YOU!
Sherlock: More investigation time!
John: You are never getting laid, ever.
Sherlock: Wait, what?
PA Girl: Uh, he did stuff and things… and stuff… and went places… *shifty eyes*
Sherlock: Oooo, China town!
John: Yo, I found the shop in Bald Guy’s diary.
Sherlock: … easy method? Does not compute…
John: Hey, the spray paint symbol is on this cup thingy.
Sherlock: …easy find? Does not compute…
John: Maybe it’s –
Sherlock: STOP SHOWING ME UP, IT’S NUMBERS! NUMBERS, I TELL YOU!
Black Lotus Bitch: Do de do, taking your picture…
Sherlock: SMUGGLING! This is so James Bond.
John: …No Russians?
Sherlock: China is the new Russia.
John: So, why are our two guys dead?
Sherlock: Cause they stole shit, duh.
John: Those bitches.
Sherlock: LOOK, SIGNIFICANT APARTMENT!
John: Seriously, how do you know it matters to this case? Because of a wet phone book? That’s reaching…
Sherlock: House breaking, take 2!
John: Uh… I’ll wait down here?
Sherlock: Aw, cute flat! There’s beads and stuff!
John: Hey, let me in.
Sherlock: I wonder if there’s danger here…
John: Leeeeeeeeeeeeet me in! *whines*
Sherlock: The window was open… does that mean – OH SHIT, CHOKING!
John: Let. Me. In.
Sherlock: Being choked! John help!
John: I haaaaaaate you!
Sherlock: *gurgle* Not quite dead. Aw, I get a black lotus flower too.
Sherlock: Hey, sorry, *GASP* she’s not here.
John: Were you just being choked?
Museum Kid: Find my Geisha?
Sherlock: Where did you put her?
Musuem Kid: She has stuff in the basement.
John: I bet she does.
Sherlock & John: OMG SPRAY PAINT ON THE STATUE!
Soo Lin: Now you see why I was freakin’
Spray Paint Annoying Kid: Hey, me again, I found your paint.
John: I haaaaaaaate you!
Black Lotus Bitch: Creepin’ in your shadow.
John: This is a shit ton of spray paint.
Spray Paint Annoying Kid: Look, yellow.
Sherlock: I LOVE CLUUUUUUUUES! Let’s go walk in the dark… just around… you know, look for paint in like… places…
John: Found it on a wall, I win!
Sherlock: Bitch, why didn’t I get to find it? Stop showing me up!
John: I’m like a sniffer dog.
Sherlock: I TOUCH YOUR HEAD THEN SPIN YOU AROUND!
Audience: OMG, touchy close proximity, my brain!
John: Uh, I took a picture because I have common sense, thanks.
John: I. Am. So. Tired.
Museum Kid: She had tea pots.
Sherlock: She is so hiding in the museum.
Soo Lin: Oh, my tea pots, my babies, I have no life!
Sherlock: Got your tea pot.
Soo Lin: CREEPER!
John: Sorry, he’s got a drama streak. *mutters* fucking diva.
Soo Lin: Here is all this back story and plot thickyness about this Chinese crime mob and me being a drug smuggler and how I escaped and it’s a big sob story and my brother is called a spider now and cry cry, sad sad, look I have a tattoo.
John: This is taking like a full ten minutes of the show… *YAWN*
Soo Lin: *EMO FACE*
Black Lotus Bitch: Paper flower time, uh oh!
Sherlock: Okay, enough emo time, can you translate?
Soo Lin: Those are numbers!
Sherlock: Yeah, I know, dumb ass. What do they say?
Soo Lin: Well, there’s this book -
Soo Lin: That was a convenient interruption.
Sherlock: RUNNING AROUND!
John: Shit, I probably shouldn’t leave you alone since you’re the one they want to kill…
Sherlock: STILL RUNNING AROUND, OMG GUN SHOTS!
John: Shit… I have to save my totally not boyfriend, don’t die while I’m gone!
Sherlock: DON’T BREAK THE HISTORICAL ARTIFACTS!
John: NOW I’M RUNNING!
Soo Lin: Oh Shit, dramatic suspenseful music is playing. I’m going to die aren’t I?
Asian Brother: Yep.
Soo Lin: I’m going to speak in Chinese because it’s all… meaningful… and stuff…
Asian Brother: I’m going to shoot you. Buh bang.
John: Wow, we didn’t protect the girl who could have helped us move the plot along because we were running around doing nothing. FAIL.
Sherlock: Whatever, another black flower for my collection!
John: OMG, MY CONSCIENCE!
Sherlock: Dude, Chinese mob!
Not!Lestrade: What are you talking about, crazy?
Sherlock: Hey, Molly, can I look at corpses?
Molly: Omg, hi, omg…. Hi… *whisper* I want to jump you.
Sherlock: *smile* Your hair is nice. *frown*
Molly: Let’s go see bodies!
Sherlock: Look, tattoos!
Not!Lestrade: …uh huh.
John: Has this really all been in just one night!?
Sherlock: Look! Chinese antiques!
John: And we finally have the last plot connection.
Mrs. Hudson: Token appearance in episode!
Sherlock: Time for book fun!
John: I. Hate. You.
Not!Lestrade: I do nothing in this episode.
Sherlock: Still awake!
John: Oh shit, hot girl job time!
Sarah: What the hell is with this line?
Secretary: Your new cute doctor sucks ass.
John: *sleeps adorably*
Sarah: *wants to bang him*
John: Uh… sorry for sucking.
Sarah: So, up late with your girlfriend?
John: LET’S GO ON A DATE!
Sherlock: So. Many. Books.
John: What’s up? I was showing my straightness today!
Sherlock: You. Me. Date, tonight.
John: Sorry, I’ve got a straight date.
Sherlock: FUCKING CHEATER!
Sherlock: Take her to the Chinese circus.
John: Uh. No.
Sarah: Wow! A Chinese circus!
John: Fun date!
Ticket Guy: Three tickets?
Sherlock: Hey, gurl, hey.
John & Sarah: Date bombed!
Sherlock: Hey, I’m your date’s boyfriend.
John: Please, God, no, spare me!
Sherlock: It’s connected to the case, no date night for you.
John: I want date night.
Sherlock: No, case night. Chinese circus? All the Chinese stuff is connected, duh!
John: I WANT DATE NIGHT!
Sherlock: That’s not what you said before.
John: I want GIRL date night.
John: I WANT TO GET LAID!
Sherlock: *GLARE OF DEATH*
--Time for circus stuff--
Black Lotus Bitch: Recognize me in my fancy get up?
Sherlock: Man, I’ve seen this one. Laaaaaaaame.
John: This sequence with the sand and the arrow and stuff is taking FOREVER!
Sarah: Am I necessary to this scene?
Sherlock: Aww, he escaped. *pouts* I wanted more death.
John: I wonder if this is going to be significant later in the episode…
Sherlock: *creepin back stage*
John & Sarah: Ooooo, swinging stuff. *snuggle*
Sherlock: I found spray paint!
Random Chinese Guy: I KILL YOUR FACE!
Sherlock: AHHHHH! FIGHT SCENE AGAIN!
Curtain: Bitch, get off me!
John: HOLY SHIT SHERLOCK IN TROUBLE, RESCUE TIME!
Sherlock & John: Owie, we’re losing!
Sarah: GET OFF MY DATE! *bitch smack*
Not!Lestrade: This is really annoying.
Sherlock: Hmm… need a way to move the plot along.
Sarah: Uh… is this boyfriend time?
Sherlock: Leave, bitch!
John: I’ll find food… or not…
Sarah: So, your spray paint pictures are code numbers that mean words?
Sherlock: Well, duh… wait, how…
Sarah: See, on picture, translating. HA! In your face.
Sherlock: Shit, I hate when idiotic people act useful.
Sherlock: Soo Lin was useful too! Going to the museum, BUH BYE!
German Tourists: OWIE!
Sherlock: Wait, I just ran into my plot device!
German Tourists: You can’t steal our book!
Sherlock: I speak German, yes I can.
John: Sooooo, you want to get take away?
Sarah: This kitchen is disgusting.
Sherlock: Translating takes up screen time!
John: Ooo, early knock at the door, this can’t be trouble or anything.
Sherlock: I’m still translating…
Random Chinese Guy: You got the shit? I got the money.
John: Wait… you don’t look like take out… maybe this is…
Random Chinese Guy: *club in face*
John: Not good. *falls*
Sherlock: Finally done translating after forever. Hey, John, I’m crazy smart and figured it out before I even got to the museum!
--SPRAY PAINT OF DOOM ON WINDOWS--
Sherlock: Oh shit, they stole my boyfriend… Rescue time!
John: Oh god, my head really hurts…
Black Lotus Bitch: I’m saying some stupid proverb.
John: HOLY SHIT CREEPY CHINESE LADY IN A CAVE!
Sarah: Urk… I’m gagged.
John: Oh, shit bags.
Black Lotus Bitch: So, you’re Sherlock Holmes.
John: Uh, no.
Black Lotus Bitch: Debit card.
Black Lotus Bitch: Check!
John: Holding! …until I cash it.
Black Lotus Bitch: Circus Tickets.
John: Stop looking through my stuff!
Black Lotus Bitch: You said it yourself in that one scene!
John: Fuck my life!
Black Lotus Bitch: Fake shoot you, ha ha.
John: I almost pissed myself, you cunt!
Sherlock: omg omg omg omg where are they, need a map, omg!!!!
Black Lotus Bitch: Check out my biker gloves.
John: …I need to stop following Sherlock around so I don’t end up in these situations.
Black Lotus Bitch: Where is my fucking expensive hairpin?
John: I DUH KNO!!!!!
Sarah: Can I leave now?
Black Lotus Bitch: I will kill your girlfriend.
John: How is the Chinese bitch the only one who thinks I’m straight!?
Sarah: OMG THE SPEAR THING CAME BACK!
Black Lotus Bitch: I learned this kill scene from James Bond!
Sherlock: My taxi is slow.
Black Lotus Bitch: I’m being dramatic.
Sarah: I’m being scared.
John: I’m being panicked!
Black Lotus Bitch: Flower for the girl.
John & Sarah: *whimper*
Sherlock: Here I come to save the day!!!
Black Lotus Bitch: Buzh!?
John: WHERE THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN!?
Black Lotus Bitch: Wait… who are you?
Sherlock: Ho, I’m Sherlock Holmes.
Sherlock: John doesn’t look anything like me.
Sherlock: He’s totally short.
Sherlock: I’m sure he’s a great shag and all, but he’s not me.
John: Yeah – wait… what?
Black Lotus Bitch: I’ll shoot you!
Sherlock: You’ll shoot the wall!
Sarah: Um. Still in mortal danger here!
Sherlock: *kick some ass*
John: *chair wiggle*
Black Lotus Bitch: *flee*
Sherlock: *being choked… again*
John: *more chair wiggle and fall*
Sarah: Seriously? I’m going to die by Chinese spear?
Sherlock: *breathing… not happening*
John: *kick that spear thing and stab the random Chinese guy!!!* I win! Win for John!
Sherlock: Damn it, stop up staging me!!!
Sarah: Worst. Date. Ever.
Not!Lestrade: I still did absolutely nothing in this episode.
Sherlock: It’s because no one cares about you and you’re not Lestrade. See, it’s even your speech name label.
Not!Lestrade: …fuck me.
John: Why didn’t we have any of our normal police force again?
Sherlock: So, you were having an affair?
PA girl: Yeah.
Sherlock: And he got you a present that’s in your hair right now?
PA girl: Yeah.
Sherlock: It’s worth like a gazillion pounds, FYI.
PA girl: FUCK THIS SHIT HOLE, GOOD BYE PEOPLE! I AM A RICH BITCH!
John: So, alls well that ends well?
Sherlock: What is this, Dickens?!
John: But yeah, the police will totally get that crime mob and it will be all okay! Optimism, I haz it.
John: It’s kind of cute we’re eating breakfast together.
Black Lotus Bitch: Uh, sorry we fucked up. We didn’t know this Sherlock guy was so bad ass.
Text!Moriarty: Bitch, you are so fired!
Black Lotus Bitch: Sorry! I swear I won’t be a loose end dangerous to your anonymity!
Text!Moriarty: Not after my hit man is done, you won’t
Black Lotus Bitch: Wait, what?