CURRENT carcinoGeneticist [CCG] RIGHT NOW opened memo on board TEAM ADORABLOODTHIRSTY.
CCG: ALL RIGHT TEAM, IT'S TIME TO STOP FIDDLING WITH YOUR SHAMEGLOBES AND LISTEN UP.
CCG: THIS IS IT!
CCG: IN T-MINUS TWENTY MINUTES WE WILL BE RENDEZVOUSING WITH THE HUMANS.
CCG: THAT, OR EXPERIENCING A CRITICAL EXISTENCE FAILURE.
CCG: EITHER WAY, IF ANY OF YOU WIGGLERS HAVE EVER TOYED WITH THE IDEA OF GROWING THE FUCK UP AND LEARNING TO CONDUCT YOURSELVES WITH A LITTLE DIGNITY, NOW WOULD BE THE TIME TO GET ON THAT.
CCG: FOR EXAMPLE, KANAYA!
CCG: I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE THE ONE I'M CALLING OUT.
CCG: BUT ARE YOU HAVING A WARDROBIFIER MALFUNCTION OVER THERE OR WHAT?
Kanaya, who had been cycling through her equipable outfits and awkwardly twisting her body this way and that to get a look at them in the ghost of a reflection on her computer screen, gradually became aware that everyone was staring at her. Vriska, actually, she had been aware was staring at her almost since she'd begun the exercise. But then, Vriska had been doing that on and off for a couple hours, and while Kanaya could not think of a reason for her sporadic scrutiny, she was quite certain that, whatever it was, she was not in the mood to deal with it. Really, she was not in the mood to deal with Karkat, either, but in that matter she did not appear to have much of a choice.
CURRENT grimAuxiliatrix [CGA] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CGA: If Incineration Qualifies As A Malfunction Then Yes I Would Say That My Wardrobifier Is Malfunctioning
CGA: If However I Wished To Eschew Equivocation I Would Simply Say That It Is No Longer Extant
CGA: Surely You Remember That The Demon Destroyed Our Homes
CGA: Incidentally Would Anyone Happen To Know Where In This Facility I Might Find A Wide Reflective Surface
CGA: A Mirror Would Be Ideal
CGA: But I Will Not Be Overparticular
CCG: OH MY GOD, IS THAT REALLY YOUR PRIORITY RIGHT NOW?
CCG: WEREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO BE THE NOT-COMPLETELY-INSENSIBLE ONE?
CURRENT caligulasAquarium [CCA] RIGHT NOW responded to memo
CCA: oh yeah she wwas real fuckin sensible wwhen her last ladylovve wwent for a guy instead
CCA: that didnt end in blood and tears and a fuckin abdication of her social responsibilities
CCG: COME ON MAN, WE'VE BEEN OVER THIS.
CCG: I CAN'T BLAME YOU FOR STILL BEING PISSED OFF ABOUT THAT WHOLE SHITSTORM. I WOULD BE TOO IF SOMEONE ELSE KILLED THE PERSON I WAS CALIGINOUS FOR BEHIND MY BACK.
CCG: BUT IT WASN'T KANAYA'S FAULT.
CGA: Youve Been Over This
CGA: Why Precisely Have You Been Over This
CCA: oh shut up kan
CCA: im lookin at you right noww rememberin all the times you called my romantic ovvertures indecent
CCA: and here you are flushed as a crispfruit for somethin wwhat doesnt even havve horns
CGA: What Are You Insinuating
CCA: nothin really
CCA: i just hope you and your grotesque cute wwizard girl are happy together
CCA banned himself from responding to memo.
CGA: That Was Unwarrantedly Histrionic
CCG: NO, YOU THINK?
CCG: YOU MIGHT AS WELL SAY,
CCG: "WELL, THAT WAS ERIDAN."
CCG: ANYWAY, ON TO THE BUSINESS OF NOT FUCKING DYING.
CURRENT centaursTesticle [CCT] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CCT: D --> No
CCT: D --> It is too disgraceful
CCT: D --> To po100t the b100d of the last remnants of the once great Troll Empire with that of a race which in our prime we would have rightfully ground into the mud
CCT: D --> I will not allow it
CCG: HEY, SWEAT-FOR-BRAINS!
CCG: GUESS WHAT I WON'T ALLOW?
CCG banned CCT from responding to memo.
CGA: Thank You Karkat
CCG: MY PLEASURE.
PAST arsenicCatnip [PAC] 3:06 HOURS AGO responded to memo.
PAC: :33 < *ac scampurrs up to kanaya*
CCG: OH GOD, WHAT NOW?
PAC: :33 < *there is something hanging out of her mouth! you wonder what it could be!*
PAC: :33 < *when she gets to you she drops it in your lap and you s33 that it is her treasured hood!*
PAC: :33 < *she looks up at you with big sad kitty eyes and says sorry about my mean stuffy moirail*
PAC: :33 < please accept this as an apawlogy
PAC: :33 < *is what ac says*
CGA: That Is Very Sweet Of You Nepeta
CGA: But What Am I Supposed To Do With This Odd Virtual Headdress
PAC: :33 < it isn’t virtual!!
PAC: :33 < im giving it to you now so in thr33 hours you can come up to me and ask to borrow it
PAC: :33 < and then i will give it to you fur real
CGA: I Am Going To Pretend That I Understand The Logic Behind Your Chosen Method Of Conveyance
CGA: And Return To The Question Of How I Am Meant To Utilize Your Admittedly Munificent Gift
PAC: :33 < youre trying to find something nice to wear fur rose right?
PAC: :33 < well rose likes kitties
PAC: :33 < so maybe you should dress up as a kitty!
PAC: :33 < i think you would make a purrfectly majestic feline kanaya!
CCG: MY THINK PAN NO LONGER EXISTS.
CCG: YOU JUST OBLITERATED IT AS THOROUGHLY AS THE DEMON OBLITERATED PROSPIT.
CCG: IT HAS BEEN CHARBROILED BY THE GREEN-HOT FLAME OF YOUR RETARDATION.
CGA: Karkat Dont Be Cruel To Her
CGA: It Is A Lovely Present Nepeta
CGA: You Are Too Kind
CGA: Far Far Too Kind
PAC: :33 < *ac purrs contentedly and nuzzles kanayas leg*
PAC: :33 < *she smirks with one mouth and with the other she sticks out a delicate pink kitty tongue at karkat*
CCG: KARKAT ROLLS HIS EYES AND DOESN'T GIVE A SHIT
PAC: :33 < so kanaya should i go ahead and put you and rose together in the matesprit quadrant on my shipping bulletin?
PAC: :33 < or is it purrhaps something different because shes human and humans have that one-quadrant system?
PAC: :33 < interspecies romance sure is confusing!
CCG: SHIPPING BULLETIN.
CCG: YOU HAVE A SHIPPING BULLETIN.
PAC: :33 < yes!!
PAC: :33 < it is on a purrivate board though so dont bother to go looking fur it!
CCG: LET ME SEE IF I'VE GOT THIS STRAIGHT.
CCG: YOU HAVE BEEN USING OUR CUTTING-EDGE TIMELINE-SCANNING TECHNOLOGY TO GOSSIP WITH YOURSELF IN THE PAST ABOUT WHO IS HOOKING UP WITH WHO IN THE FUTURE.
PAC: :33 < uh huh! its a lot more efficient than my old shipping wall!
PAC: :33 < though not as much fun to update
CCG: OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT?
CCG: DAY AFTER DAY I HAVE WORKED MY BULGE OFF TRYING TO IMPOSE A LITTLE ORDER AND DISCIPLINE ON THIS MOTLEY CREW OF NOOKSUCKERS SO THAT WE DON'T ALL DIE HORRIBLY.
CCG: BUT NO, APPARENTLY ALL YOU HORMONE-ADDLED NYMPHBRAINS CARE ABOUT IS SHIPPING.
CCG: I'M DONE.
CCG: IF WE FUCK THIS UP AND THE RIFT MINCES US ALL INTO BITE-SIZED DEMON CHOW KIBBLES, THAT IS OFFICIALLY NO LONGER MY RESPONSIBILITY.
CCG: HAVE FUN WITH YOUR SHINY NEW CHATBOARD, KIDDOS.
CCG banned himself from responding to memo.
CGA: Wait No
CGA: Karkat Get Back Here
CURRENT terminallyCapricious [CTC] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CTC: WhAt Is Up My MoThErFuCkErs?
CTC: We TaLkInG aBoUt LoVe NoW?
CGA: Oh Hell No
PAC: :33 < *ac nods furryously*
PAC: :33 < gamzee what do you think about troll/human pairings?
PAC: :33 < on the one claw I am intrigued by the pawsibilities
PAC: :33 < but they make everything so much more complicated!
CTC: NaW mAn, ThIs RiFt ShIt Is WhAt'S cOmPlIcAtEd.
CTC: FuCk Me If I uNdErStAnD a WoRd Of It.
CTC: LoVe Is SiMpLe.
CTC: YoU jUsT gOtTa FoLlOw WhErE yOuR hEaRt Is At.
CTC: AnD mY sIsTeR oVeR hErE?
CTC: hEr HeArT iS aLl Up On ThIs HuMaN cHiCk.
CTC: Am I rIgHt?
CGA: Have I At Any Point Stated For The Record That Hearts Have Anything To Do With The Alliance Rose And I Have Forged
CGA: The Answer Is No
CGA: Why Must You All Jump To That Conclusion With An Enthusiasm Comparable To That With Which A Man On Fire Might Jump Into A Lake
CTC: My BaD, mY bAd.
CTC: I hAvEn'T bEeN fOlLoWiNg ThIs CoNvErSaTiOn ToO gOoD.
CTC: mY mInD iS sTiLl ToO fUcKiNg BlOwN bY aLl ThIs PaSt AnD FuTuRe ShIt.
CTC: BuT mAn, If YoU gOt ThE rEdS fOr ThIs GiRl, DoN't SwEaT iT.
CTC: JuSt ChIlL oUt AnD lEt It FlOw.
CGA: I Can Hardly Believe I Am Asking This But
CGA: Hypothetically Speaking
CGA: If Someone Were To Harbor Mating Fondness For Another Someone
CGA: And The Former Party Wished To Make Those Sentiments Known To The Latter
CGA: What Circumstances Would Be Most Conducive To This Flow Of Which You Speak
CGA: Please Provide An Answer That Does Not Involve Beverages Or Baked Goods
CTC: WeLl ShIt, My SiStEr, It IsN't A fEdErAl FuCkInG iSsUe.
CTC: AlL yOu GoT tO dO iS bElIeVe In MiRaClEs.
CTC: AnD tHeY wIlL kNoW hOw YoU fEeL.
CGA: Gamzee While I Appreciate Your Optimism And Earnest Desire To Help
CGA: And Quite Frankly Find It Rather Refreshing At This Point
CGA: I Must Say That That Is Probably The Worst Advice For Dealing With My Predicament I Have Yet To Receive
PAST arachnidsGrip [PAG] 2:12 HOURS AGO responded to memo
PAG: Uuuuuuuugh, stop being so cagey! Just grab her and kiss her when she walks in! >::::)
CGA: And Now It Isnt
CGA: Hello Vriska
PAG: Hello Kanaya!
PAG: Is it true? Are you really flushed for one of those squishy pink things?
CGA: Yes That Is Definitely A Conclusion You All Have Just Now Drawn
CGA: Although When I Think About It That Line Doesnt Really Work Here
CGA: Given That The Concept Of Just Now Is At Present Lacking In Pertinence
PAG: You know, with you and Eridan drooling over the Rose human, and Karkat seeing spades for John, and Terezi and the Dave human swapping 8orderline pornographic drawings like Fiduspawn cards, I think I may 8e the only one here who isn't engaging in illicit interspecies shenanigans.
PAG: Now I'm the normal one! How do you like that?
CGA: As Is The Concept Of At Present
PAC: :33 < *ac is furly certain there are seven other people purresent that the spider lady has not accounted fur!*
PAC: :33 < *she also notes ags afursion to using the phrase "the john human" and glances furtively at her shipping bulletin*
PAG: AG 8inds up all of AC's stupid 8a8y kittens in nasty sticky we8 and 8ites their fluffy little necks and sucks their tiny helpless 8odies dry!!!!!!!!
CGA: I Had Thought That Once I Mastered The Art Of Tense I Would Be Able To Discuss Our Anomalous Temporal Situation In A Meaningful And Coherent Fashion
PAC: :33 < oh noooooooooo!
PAC: :33 < you cant do that!
PAG: I just diiiiiiiid!
CCG unbanned himself from responding to memo.
CCG: CG HAS HAD IT UP TO HIS NOOK WITH THIS FURRY BULLSHIT AND BRUTALLY EVISCERATES ALL THE RETARDED WIGGLERS PRETENDING TO BE ANIMALS WITH HIS TRUSTY BANSICKLE.
CCG banned PAC from responding to memo.
CCG banned PAG from responding to memo.
CCG: FUCK YEAH OPPOSABLE THUMBS.
CCG banned himself from responding to memo.
CGA: But It Would Seem That My Entire Lexicon Is In Need Of Adjustment
PAST arachnidsGrip 2 [PAG2] 2:11 HOURS AGO responded to memo
PAG2: Hey dummy, I'm trying to insult you! Stop ignoring me!
CGA: Very Well
CGA: Since You Have Advised Me To Be Less Cagey I Will Take This Opportunity To Express That You Vriska Are The Last Person In This Or Any Other Universe With Whom I Would Wish To Consult On Matters Of The Heart
CGA: There Is That Direct Enough For You
PAG2: Aaaaaaaaw, don't 8e like that! )::::
PAG2: I was just joking around!
PAG2: Kanaya, I think I've figured out why you're 8eing all icy and 8itchy all of a sudden!
CGA: Have You Now
PAG2: Yep! At first I thought it was 8ecause of Tavros.
PAG2: 8ut now I'm pretty sure it was actually 8ecause of me!
In that moment, Kanaya Maryam's heart went as still as a rainbow drinker's.
PAG2: So what's new? As usual, everything is aaaaaaaaall Vriska's fault!
CGA: No Thats Not Right
CGA: I Should Have Told You
PAG2: Pffffffff, like that would have helped! I wasn't listening to anything you told me! That was the whole pro8lem!
PAG2: I ignored you and got murdered like the worst, dum8est moirail ever.
PAG2: And to get 8ack at me, you're ignoring me now.
PAG2: 8ut to make up for it I have decided that from this point on I am going to 8e the 8est moirail I can 8e!
PAG2: And this is what moirails do, right? We fuss and we meddle and we stick our noses in where they don't 8elong!
CGA banned herself from responding to memo.
PAG2: What the Hell????????
Well, Kanaya reflected, pulling away from the keyboard to give her thoughts a chance to calm and coalesce into something remotely coherent, that could have been less of a complete and unqualified disaster.
But, she reminded herself, it's the sort of disaster that doesn't end with anyone dead or maimed, so it could also have been more of one. Maybe. I suppose.
It really wasn't fair that Vriska would pick now of all times to try to patch things up. But that was how Eridan would think; after having played Sgrub, she ought to have known better than to expect the multiverse to be fair, or to complain when it wasn't on such a trivial matter.
Kanaya knew what she had to do. Really, she had known for a while.
grimAuxiliatrix [GA] started trolling arachnidsGrip [AG]
GA: I Apologize For Terminating Our Previous Discourse Prematurely
GA: And So Abruptly
GA: But I Felt That It Was Best To Continue In Private
AG: Oh, you mean Karkat's memo?
AG: Yeah, that was ages ago! I am totally over it!
GA: I Now Understand Why You Have Spent The Last Two Hours Intermittently Glaring At Me
GA: I Would Have Contacted You Sooner
GA: Were It Possible To Act Sooner Than Immediately Within My Own Subjective Timeline.
AG: Yeah, yeah, weird time shit sucks. Old news!
AG: Just tell me, what's the 8ig scary secret you couldn't share with anyone else????????
GA: It Isnt Precisely A Secret
GA: It Is Simply That At This Point In Time
GA: I Feel Obligated To Inform You
AG: Spit it out, Kanaya!
AG: I have other irons in the fire, you know!
AG: So many irons!
AG: Including ones that are much hotter and not all coy and melodramatic!
"Kanaya!" She was jolted out of staring vacantly at her screen by a light punch to the shoulder. "Alternia to Kanaya! Come in, Kanaya!"
This, Kanaya realized, was absurd. Taking a deep breath, she leaned toward Vriska, brushed her long lovely hair to the side, and, trying not to think about the way she smelled as she drew close to her, whispered in her ear, "We aren't moirails, Vriska."
Vriska shoved her away. "What?!"
Kanaya still wanted to keep this as private as possible, if only for Vriska's sake, so she went back to typing, but remained facing her friend and only looked at the screen out of the corner of her eye. Vriska did the same.
GA: I Said We Arent Moirails
GA: Im Not Sure We Ever Were
AG: Of course we're moirails!
AG: You stopped everyone else from killing me!
AG: And me from killing them!
AG: You're alw8ys fussing and nagging and meddling and fussing!
AG: You CLEANED UP MY RESPITE8LOCK!!!!!!!!
AG: Is this really h8ppening?
AG: Am I really 8eing dumped 8y my fucking MOIRAIL?
AG: AM I AS PATH8TIC AS ERIDAN????????
GA: Vriska Please Calm Down
AG: FUCK TH8T!
AG: This is 8ECAUSE I've calmed down, isn't it????????
AG: I'm not interesting enough for you 8nymore!
AG: Not so much like your 8right and mysterious rain8ow drinkers!
GA: It Isnt About That At All
GA: Vriska I Care For You Deeply
GA: More Deeply Than You Will Perhaps Ever Know
GA: But You Deserve A Better Moirail Than I Have Been To You
GA: You Deserve Someone With No Ulterior Motives
GA: Someone Who Brings Out The Best In You Rather Than Merely Stifling The Worst Like An Auspitice Would
GA: Someone In Whom You In Turn Bring Out The Best
GA: Someone Like Tavros
"Oh," Vriska said, sounding suddenly more surprised than upset, and momentarily broke eye contact to glance past Kanaya at the boy sitting to her other side.
AG: I am still going to meddle with you!!!!!!!!
AG: 8ecause you have 8een meddling with me for years and damn it, it is my turrrrrrrrn!
Kanaya rolled her eyes, but smiled with relief — and maybe just a touch of affection.
GA: Go On Then
GA: Meddle To Your Hearts Content
GA: Miss Fussyfangs
AG: Well, if you want my advice (and you should!!!!!!!!), don't dress up at all!
AG: If she doesn't like you, nothing you wear is going to change that.
AG: Not even if it's the most perfect, 8eautiful outfit that you picked just for her and you look a8bsolutely stunning in it.
AG: Some people are just massively ungr8ful like that!
AG: And then you'll feel like a moron for going through all that trou8le for such a hopeless looooooooser!
AG: Just be natural. Wear that red skirt you always have on in your down time. It's kind of cute, and also the 8est color.
AG: And for the love of God, don't roleplay!
GA: That Is Actually Good Advice
AG: It is?
AG: Pfffffffft, who am I kidding?
AG: Of course it is!
AG: I am the 8est at rel8ionship counseling!
AG: I am the 8est at everything!!!!!!!!
GA: Thank You Vriska
GA: Good Luck
AG: Who needs luck when you're the 8est? :::;)
AG: 8esides, I have all of the luck!
AG: All of…
AG: Shouldn't I 8e the one saying that to you?
grimAuxiliatrix [GA] ceased trolling arachnidsGrip [AG]
AG: Whatever, weirdo.
Kanaya suddenly understood everything. Vriska was right: either Rose would return her feelings, or she wouldn't. In either case, there was only one way to find out. After all, if she had been wrong to expect Vriska to be able to read her mind, she would be even more wrong to expect that of someone who was not, in fact, a telepath. And if she was strong enough to let her first love go, she was strong enough to let the second one in.
Actually, that letting-Vriska-go bit wasn't as difficult she had feared it would be. Not taking-down-the-Black King difficult, anyway. Not quite.
Congratulations, Sylph of Space, she thought wryly when she caught herself making that comparison. You have scaled your REDROM ECHELADDER to the new rung, ASSERTIVE RUBESCENCE.
She toggled over to the humans' timelines and scanned Rose's for the last viable point for conversation before it dropped off. She could let herself be shell-shocked by the breakup, or she could use it as momentum.
grimAuxiliatrix [GA] started trolling tentacleTherapist [TT]
The human girl flashed her a dry little smirk through the viewport. There really was something infuriating about Rose's detached coolness, Kanaya thought as she watched drops of liquid rainbow run down her winter-bright hair — infuriatingly beguiling.
GA: Rose I Am Going To Ramble At You Again
GA: I Hope You Are Amenable To That
TT: If I weren't, I would not continue to respond to your messages.
GA: I Perceive Some Subtle Scorn In That Comment But I Think It Is The Friendly Kind So All Right
GA: Rose Its Hard
GA: Being A Kid And Growing Up
GA: Its Hard Because You Dont Know Anything To Start And The Only Way To Learn Is By Making Mistakes And Getting Hurt
GA: And Your Friends Will All Be Making Mistakes Too And Sometimes You Can Learn From Those As Well
GA: But Actually That Just Makes Things Even More Complicated
TT: I suppose I can take some comfort in the knowledge that I will be sparing myself from having to endure such mundane catastrophes.
TT: By not growing up.
GA: Oh Rose No
TT: It's almost time, isn't it?
TT: I imagine this is the last chance we will have to speak like this, so you might as well tell me.
GA: Its Almost Time
GA: It Gets Better
GA: I Mean
GA: It Gets Worse
GA: A Lot Worse
GA: But Then It Gets Better
GA: I Think
GA: Unless It Gets Worse Again Afterward
TT: I see. That's immensely reassuring.
TT: I mean that sincerely.
TT: I find the simple fact of there being an "afterward" heartening, and your uncertainty regarding its nature even more so.
GA: You Are Heartened By Uncertainty
GA: That Is
GA: You Feel Reassured By My Inability To Assure You Of Anything
TT: I'm more than a bit sick of determinism by now, aren't you?
GA: Oh God Yes
GA: That Is A Good Point
GA: But To Return To The Topic On Which I Originally Meant To Speak With You
GA: Or Rather I Suppose To Properly Broach It For The First Time
GA: I Think That There Are Some Things You Would Probably Prefer I Did Not Spring On You Without Due Warning
TT: Such as?
GA: For Example
GA: Hypothetically Speaking If We Were Through Some Bizarre And Unforeseen Circumstance Hours In Your Future And Minutes In Mine To Find Ourselves On The Same Physical Plane
GA: I Doubt You Would Take Too Kindly To
GA: For Example
GA: Me Trying To Kiss You
Rose's usually ethereally pale skin turned her namesake color. It was oddly lovely, and did nothing to ease Kanaya's own blushing. Not for the first time she was glad that the viewport only worked one-way.
TT: Would be somewhat less than welcome, yes.
The heat beneath Kanaya's skin dissipated instantly. It left her cold enough that she felt the need to wrap her arms around herself, requiring her to remove her hands from the keyboard. "Oh," she whispered out loud.
TT: However, I might not be averse to,
TT: for example,
TT: holding hands?
TT: I mean, as long as we're speaking hypothetically.
The human girl's blush faded, and her tight-lipped smirk returned. The smile that suddenly broke across Kanaya's face was a good deal less restrained.
GA: And What If We Are Not
TT: Aren't we?
TT: Oh well, I suppose my answer is the same.
TT: And with that, I am afraid I really must go.
TT: I'll see you in a few minutes, Kanaya.
GA: I Will See You In A Few Hours Rose
tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA]
That, Kanaya decided, was more than good enough. If Rose wanted to take it slow, that just made her all the more determined to fight to ensure they had all the time they needed. They would have a future. She would see to that. And who could say what that future would hold?
Her thoughts were interrupted by the sounds of squeals and snickers. She looked behind her to find a simpering cat-girl and a very smug spider-lady crowded over her shoulder.
"AC came to bring you her hood!" said Nepeta, pressing the knuckles of her balled-up hands to her chin and wriggling her whole upper body back and forth exuberantly. "But it looks like maybe you don't need it after all? I still think you would look cute in it, though!"
"Way to go, Fussyfangs!" said Vriska. "Can you get back to me in like a month on what humans taste like? Think that will be long enough?"
Kanaya, with a serene smile, summoned a chainsaw from her strife portfolio, and the two meddling troll girls quickly found other places to be. Humming innocently, she turned back to her reflection in the computer screen and fixed her lipstick.