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Perseverance

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She was looking for her shoes when she noticed the crouched figure in the corner--head in hands, knees drawn up, shoulders slouched. The very picture of depression. The dark head looked familiar, so she called out, "Hey! What's wrong?"

The head lifted, revealing a red, uncomfortable face. "Nase-san?"

"Is that you, Miyano? What are you doing there?"

The insei got up to her feet awkwardly, looking rather embarrassed. "Nothing. I thought no one would come by this floor."

"Well, I was dropping by the kifu library to do some research." Nase tilted her head as she studied the younger girl. "Pro exam blues?"

Miyano nodded. "I lost again today. It puts me out of the running unless the top three start messing up."

"You never know what might happen. Don't lose hope yet."

"Nase-san? Have you ever--"

"Hm?"

"Has anyone ever told you that girls can't play go?"

"Many times," Nase said, with a little laugh. "Best way to shut them up is to win against them."

Miyano said in a rush, "Sometimes I worry that I'm just not good enough. That I won't get any stronger. That even if I become a pro, it won't mean anything because I'll never play go like Touya Akira."

Nase bit her lip and made no reply.

"How do you know when it's time to give up?"


(black's turn. place a stone.)





 

3-3: "How can you make such an elementary mistake?!" Sensei scolds her. "Is this really the best you can do?"

"I'm sorry," she says and puts away the goke.

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3-5: She's matched up against Kadowaki in the pro exam, and he immediately proceeds to leer at her. "Female insei are the cutest!" She scowls, and he takes it as an invitation to ask, "If I win, will you go on a date with me?"

She's especially angry with herself for losing that game by four and a half moku.

← back to board

 

3-6: She's almost eighteen. The last year of being an insei. She comes in fourth on the pro exam, her best record yet, but still not good enough to pass. She skips out on studying with her sensei that week, reluctant to face his disappointment.

Instead, she signs up for the women's special exam. It's a round-robin, and she wins every game. Her opponents are strong, but it's different when you're only competing against half the usual number of opponents. After five years, she finally passes, though not in the way that she imagined she would. Still, the members of her study group throw her a party to celebrate.

"It's about time you joined us," says Waya, when he hears the news.

She grins, relieved to hear him say "us". No matter what the route she took to get there, she's a pro now. That's all that counts, she tells herself and tries to believe it.

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3-7: She overhears Ochi and Komiya talking in the hallway. "Nase? Why should I be worried about her?"

"Why, you little brat!" she exclaims in mock-anger, laughing. Ochi squirms as she ruffles his hair and glares.

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4-3: "I can't," she tells her classmates. "I have plans for Sunday."

"But Asumi-chan! You never have time to hang out with us."

She shakes her head and tries not to feel left out as she watches the rest of them leave without her.

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4-4: When Iijima-san quits the insei and doesn't return, she calls him up, and they end up going to a bar. She's still technically underage, but no one seems to mind.

It's her first time really drinking beer, and after the first few bitter swallows, she's gotten accustomed to the taste. Iijima-san is as morose as ever and downs a whole glass in a few quick gulps.

"You see, I just knew. I just knew. I wasn't getting anywhere. And it all seemed so pointless."

She stared at her own glass, still half-full.

"I mean, it's just a game. You don't realize when you're in the middle of it all, but it's really just a meaningless game."

She said sharply, "You don't really mean that, Iijima-san."

He sighed and poured himself another glass. "No, I don't. But it would be so much easier if I could believe it."

← back to board

 

4-7: Her parents sit her down halfway through junior year, right after she's failed the pro exam for the third time. "Asumi-chan, maybe you should consider leaving the insei program. Isn't it time to start thinking about the university entrance exams?"

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4-8: "Ojisan! Long time no see!" she calls out cheerfully as she enters the salon.

"Ah, Asumi-chan! We've missed you. When are you going to pass the pro exam? We're all cheering for you."

She grimaces but covers it up with chatter about the latest title match; Fukuzawa-ojisan doesn't notice.

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5-4: She's been an insei for nearly a month now and hasn't won a single game. She stares at the board--her tenth straight loss--and tells herself not to cry. After all, she won't get stronger by crying.

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5-7: She's only eight years old when she gets to the final round of the children's Meijin tournament. Her opponent is a boy older by three years; he's a head taller and wears glasses. She's a little frightened by the fierce expression on his face. Anyone can tell that he's determined to win.

They lay out the fuseki cautiously. Neither of them are speed players. She plays a bold hand, and he studies it for a long while, his hand pausing over the bowl. The shapes grow complex and tangled, not nearly as neat as the life-or-death problems in her tsumego books. She breathes slowly, in and out, waiting for his response. It's this calm between the moves that she likes the most, even more so than the excitement of capturing stones.

In the end, she loses the game by one and a half moku. She bows with clenched fists and says, "Thank you," in a muffled voice.

Her opponent says, "That was a really great game, Asumi-chan." He sounds completely sincere.

She looks again at the board, as her hands uncurl in her lap. He's right, it was her best game yet, even if she lost.

"Let's play again sometime," he calls out just before their mothers bundle them up in coats and rush them out of the room.

"Sure! Next time, I'm going to win," she answers back cheerfully.

That night, she records the game in her notebook--her first kifu.

→ to the end

 

5-8: She goes to watch the Hokuto cup. Her mouth goes dry as she watches Shindou play against Ko Yeongha. So that's how far he's come since she last played against him. She wonders if he would be able to say the same of her.

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6-3: When Honda passes, she musters up her best smile and tells him, "I'm really happy for you." She almost means it.

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6-4: Her first game as shodan is with Ogata-Juudan, who blows cigarette smoke in her face and looks her up and down while they pose for photos. The game is much more difficult than she imagined, even with the advantage of the reverse komi, and Ogata-sensei barely glances at the board at all before placing his stones. She feels a little insulted and tries to challenge him with a trap that ends up backfiring on her. Ogata-sensei gives an amused snort, and after a few more valiant attempts to save her territory, she resigns.

She's surprised to see him pull up in his flashy red car when she's about to leave the building. He rolls down the window and asks, "Shall I drive you home?"

"Only if you intend to play go," she retorts, feeling her cheeks grow hot.

He smiles sardonically. "I don't have the time or energy to tutor little girls. Even pretty ones like you."

She doesn't know what to say, just stands there mute and mortified until he drives away.

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6-5: Within six months of becoming pro, she makes it to the third rounds of the preliminaries for women's Honinbou and women's Meijin, but she's quickly knocked out of every tournament open to both genders. Mashiba doesn't fail to point this out and complains loudly, "Isn't it unfair how female pros get their own tournaments? I wish I was a woman. I bet I'd have a chance at a title then."

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6-7: Just when she advances to the first insei class, she falls sick with a bronchial infection and stays at home for two weeks. When she gets back, her ranking has dropped again with all the losses by default, and she doesn't win enough times to avoid getting demoted back to the second class. It's the first time she considers dropping out.

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6-8: At her first tutoring job, the client takes one incredulous look at her and exclaims, "But I wanted to learn from a pro!"

"Please, Kikuchi-san, let me reassure you that I'm a shodan registered with the Kiin," she says as politely as she can.

She convinces him to sit down and play a game of shidougo. It ends with her two-moku win, and he eyes her skeptically. "Is this all? The strength of a pro player?"

She's a pro, which means behaving like a professional, she reminds herself. "That was a tutoring game, Kikuchi-san, played with a handicap."

He scowls. "Tell the Kiin to send a real pro next time."

← back to board



"I won't lie to you, the doubts aren't going to go away. No matter how strong you are. And there will be people who won't take you seriously even if you're a pro, or even if you're a title-holder.

"But there's a reason why you're here. Why you keep playing, no matter how many times you lose, and why you want to get stronger. Isn't there?"

There was a long pause. Then, "Yeah. I guess you're right."